Bourbon Boys Blog

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week XIV

2011-12-02T19:38:00.000-06:00

El Gran Mono
Well, its been a fun ride. Thanks for reading. Last week’s game has left me numb to the world of football. I’m ready for basketball season. I will now take my talents to twitter. Follow me @elgranmono1865.

Brew of the week:
BDA IPA – This custom ale was passed into my hands directly from the master brewer himself. I highly recommend getting your hands on some. If you are more of a “Hefeweisen guy” then I would stay away.

Malt Licker
Well sports fans, it’s that time, the final swan-song for your beloved Bourbon Boys. I must say it has been a pleasure collaborating with two of my best friends and fellow SEC football/bourbon enthusiasts. It’s an end of another era, as single Malt Licker will be extinct. I figure its good timing, since I already have to beat off the throngs of female supporters each week. Maybe now that they know I’m off the market, they will back off. I only wish we could end it with our Gators on top of the country. I try to tell myself that these lean years will make us appreciate our return to success even more.

Cuzzin Bailey
This is the final Bourbon Boys Pick Week! I know this came as a huge shock to all of you, but it was a mutual decision we all came to in the past few weeks. One thing you absolutely do not have to worry about: we will not UN-retire in a year a join another picks group. Last week I talked about the origins of this blog/newsletter, and this week I am going to give yall a sneak preview of what to expect in the future. Basically you will not be getting a week to week selection of games but more an editorial blog that pretty much talks about the current issues in the sport of college football, or anything that a bourbon boy would like to contribute. I think redundancy was an issue that we hoped to avoid, but after almost 10 years of talking about the same 12 programs it was inevitable. From now on, you can look to the blog to discuss games of course, but also players, teams, controversies, etc throughout the SEC and the NCAA in general. Anyways, I would like to thank the loyal readers of the Bourbon Boys and I look forward to entertaining you in the future. Also, keep an eye on www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey as well as the other Bboys accounts to find out when you can expect new material. Thanks again.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

4:00pm

14 Georgia vs. 1 LSU (+13.5)
EGM
As for the game, Georgia is not a good football team and they haven’t beat a good team all year. Aaron Murray is not accurate and his numbers have been inflated by a down SEC.

LSU, on the other hand, is the real deal. They will get at least two picks and Georgia’s average defense will not be able to handle their big offensive line and power running game. JJeff still sucks but the rest of the Bayou Bengals are legit. I think this game will be ugly before the half.

Cotton Bowl Bound 9
National Title Bound 45

ML
UGA has gotten fat off the putrid SEC East and the dregs of the SEC West. LSU has blown out everyone (other than Bama) they’ve faced. Is this game an anti-climax? It really feels like it. I can’t remember being less excited about an SEC title game. I’ve never been less engaged in a football season in my life. However, my hatred for Georgia never subsides. I guess America wants to see a rematch, and Les Miles, Mathieu and Co. are going to give them one. Overrated Aaron Murray will be exposed as a farce, and the Bayou Bengals will roll into New Orleans for the BCS Title game.

UGA 10
LSU 40

CB
I know we are all writing about this game, so (as is my nature) I am NOT looking to wow you with statistics, correct players names (or numbers for that matter). Here’s what you are looking at: UGA started off the year in an 0-2 hole and it was a serious possibility that Richt could be fired before the Cocktail Party, but then something extraordinary happened…Georgia ran into the easiest SEC schedule that I have seen in a LONG LONG time. But look, that isn’t going to take away from what they have accomplished. The Dawgs have won 10 straight games! Sure at times they looked beatable, but after trouncing Ga-Tech, UGA looks as sharp as they have all season (def looking past Kentucky) and if they can limit the big plays by LSU, this is going to be a very interesting game. LSU is pretty much already in the National Championship game so this outcome may not be as important to them. However, when was the last time a team lost its way into the NC game?...Anyone? Yea, Nebraska in 2000/2001. Remember that year? Everyone was in an uproar b/c if Nebraska had beaten Miami, they would have had a claim on the National Title without winning their conference. Well guess what, if LSU loses to UGA and still makes it to the title game, it will be guaranteed that the winner of the BCS crown will not have won their conference. Look at it this way, it isn’t guaranteed that a conference winner will win the college basketball title, and that is the epitome of a playoff scenario. I used to let that conference winner thing get me all riled up, but then I realized that the Big East is an AQ conference, and if there’s a play off situation with just conference winners, not the “best teams” then we gotsa problem. Hell if UCLA wins on Saturday, they will be the Pac-12 Champs and possibly the worst champions ever. Wow, that’s a psycho tangent for ya. Anyways, I think this game is going to be close for a while (see: LSU/Arkansas) but eventually the Tigers are going to close this out. It’s a good matchup, but the final score won’t shock anyone…

Jawga 17
LSU 40

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC - Week XIII

2011-11-23T17:25:00.000-06:00

Cuzzin Bailey
By 2002, a good majority of our Gator friends had graduated or were on the same track within the year. Three friends took it upon themselves to make sure that, even though many of us were separated by hundreds of miles, the same lively football discussions we once had were not a thing of the past. Well, now they are a thing of the past haha! Oh well, had to happen sooner or later. Anyways, next week, the Bourbon Boys will do a victory lap for the SEC Championship game as we reminisce on all the wonderful moments, crazy guest writers, and controversial moments over the past years…Alright I’m full of shit about the sappy stuff, but be prepared for a bridge burning, sacrilegious, curse-word-laden final edition of THE BOURBON BOYS PICKIN’ THE SEC! But until then, relish in this Thanksgiving, UF/FSU week smacktalk special! Oh yea, FSU SUCKS and Urban Meyer is one step away from being a liar and off my friendly radar!! Don’t forget about me on twitter: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

El Gran Mono
Good thing its Thankgiving week because I think turkey and fellowship are the only thing that can right the Gator nation. Furman is a terrible team and the Gators made them look like world beaters. I’d love to focus on the “improvements” and “discipline” that Mr Muschamp has instilled in this team but it just doesn’t exist. Perhaps I could put my hopes in the “talent” but outside of DeBose and the linebacking core I don’t see anything to get excited about. Mr Muschamp has two strikes in my book and an FSU loss would be strike three. There is no sense in paying millions to a guy that just doesn’t have what it takes so I hope he proves me wrong. This is where we are at Gator fans, counting on hope. It makes me want to puke. I’ll be locked in on Saturday night, I just hope the Gators are too because this is an average-at-best FSU team and losing at home to them would be embarrassing.

On a separate note, I would like to announce my retirement along with the rest of the Bourbon Boys. I won’t list a litany of shitty excuses but instead focus on the positives of this last decade. I’ve enjoyed the banter stirred up by this blog (formerly newsletter) and appreciate all of the people who have read and participated.

Brew of the week: Shiner Bock. My personal favorite. Easily the best combination of taste and drinkability on the market. Scrap the Coors light and spend two extra bucks, you’ll thank yourself.

Malt Licker
Will this season ever end? Thankfully, I stayed true to my word and refused to watch a down of our latest embarrassment, the 54-32 “win” over the Purple Paladins. So much for getting Jacoby Brissett additional snaps. The only bright side to this season has been my stellar performance picking games against the spread. I’m sure I’ve jinxed myself. The last time I tooted my horn I ended up with a 2-7 week. Thankfully, we are coming up on my favorite holiday of the year, and we have a good slate of games on the docket.

Friday, November 25, 2011

2:30pm

Arkansas at LSU (-12.5)
ML
Is the SEC West that great or is the rest of the country that bad? Numbers 1, 2 & 3 all from the same division is pretty amazing. If the Hogs can pull off the upset, we may see the same thing next week. Is it too late to hire Petrino? The battle for the Golden Boot always seems to be a crazy game. With two of the last four games ending in overtime and one on a last second 4th down touchdown, expectations are high for another barn burner. LSU’s defense has handled better offenses, but I think Petrino will put a few scores up to cover the spread.

Ark. 17
LSU 24

CB
Arks 22
LSU 28

EGM
Arky 21
LSU 22

Saturday, November 26, 2011

12:00pm

Georgia at Georgia Tech (+6)
ML
Even if Georgia can make it from their bus to the locker room without getting shot, they may still leave Atlanta battered and bloodied after this matchup of Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate. They will have to face coach Paul Johnson’s triple option and the Ramblin’ Wreck’s second ranked rushing attack. Somehow, Georgia has managed to win nine in a row. This is more of an indictment of the SEC East and UGA’s favorable scheduling against the west than a testament to the talent and coaching of this team. Because I hate Georgia, and I think their record is inflated by a ridiculously easy schedule, I’m taking Coach Johnson’s boys in an upset.
GA 21
GA Tech 24

CB
Go to Hell 27
Tech 24

EGM
UGA 28
Tech 31

12:15pm

Tennessee at Kentucky (+7.5)
CB
The game formerly known as the Battle for the Beer Barrel, now just the “Battle for the Barrel.” Over my tenure as a respected blog contributor, I have seen a lot of things, and most of them relate to the wussification of society. If you honestly think that the word “beer” is gonna cause anyone harm in this world, then the person who gets harmed and the person who is doing the censoring should be drown in an oaken bucket. Look, games like this are a reason this can get boring. These two teams are a combined 2-12 in the SEC and Kentucky is eliminated from going bowling. The Vols are in a position the Gators were in last week, in which they are desperately looking for a win to get invited to a second class postseason game. If this game and a few others work out, the SEC is looking to send 10 teams to bowl games and may have 5 teams with double digit wins. These two ‘bottom of the barrel’ teams (if you’ll pardon the pun) are terrible, but coming off a “huge” win against Vandy and the fact that Kentucky is just terrible you have to give the nod to the Vuls.

UT 24
Kentucky 10

EGM
Vols 21
KY 10

ML
Orange Beer 23
Blue Beer 10

3:30pm

Alabama at Auburn (+21)
EGM
The Iron Bowl seems to be right back where it was two years ago. Bama en route to a Nat’l Championship game and Auburn on their way to the Crap Bowl. I’m sure Auburn fans are still giddy from sandwiching a Nat’l Championship of their own in there, however, I doubt that championship dulls their passion for this game. Bama is clearly the better team and Auburn’s weak defense plays right into their conservative offensive gameplan. But the game from 2009 is still in the back of my mind and Gus Malzahn had Bama fans pretty nervous that day. I think Auburn will put together a similar performance with the best crowd in CFB behind them. Unfortunately for the Plainsmen and the rest of college football (who doesn’t want a rematch), they just don’t have enough in the tank to take down the king of grayshirting, Nick Saban.

Tide 17
Plainsmen 13

ML
Tide 24
Tigers 14

CB
Bama 35
Burned 17

Vanderbilt at Wake Forest (+1.5)
EGM
This game is actually intriguing because more often than not both teams seem to be pretty decent these days. For Wake Forest its harder to tell because they play in the hyper-average ACC, but still they have a great coach and a good scheme. As for Vandy, they have the best QB in the SEC and a semblance of an offense. In fact, this game might actually be a better matchup than UF-FSU…how the mighty have fallen.

Dores 24
Deacs 21

ML
Vanderdork 30
Wake 17

CB
Vander’s belt 26
Vake Foressht 21

7:00pm

Florida State at Florida (+2.5)
CB
The Bourbon Boys aren’t going away completely but, this rigid, structured, precise, serious selection and analysis of games is coming to an end; that being said, it is my pleasure to write about the last Gators game in this format…and what a game this can be! There is a nickname for this game but I don’t use it. Not because I don’t like it or whatever, but because I had never heard of it until the EA Sports video game “introduced me.” Anyways, I’m sure as you all know, records can be meaningless in this game unless there is some dynamic talent on the field (See: Charlie Ward/Warrick Dunn – 92, 93; Tebow et al – 06-09), but the beauty part of this year’s edition is that neither team looks like a seriously dominant foe. That means that regardless how shitty UF has looked, pretty much all year, they still have a chance because Newsflash: FSU is NOT back! The Criminoles lost at home to Virginia last week…I shouldn’t have to say anymore, but you know I will. Their QB is spastic and I am not impressed with the running game. However, their defense of course scares me and that’s where this game may be decided. The UF D has shown flashes of potential this year, but other times they look like their head coach is NOT a defensive guy. Someone please explain to me how Janoris Jenkins could have covered the entire defensive backfield if he wasn’t kicked off the team? He is one guy and we have plenty of craptastic play for which couldn’t be made up. I mean what the hell was Meyer doing when recruiting for our secondary? You’d think the least he could do was not recruit shitbox players even though he knew he was bouncing…Screw him. It would take longer than this little blurb for me to go into all the ups and (mostly) downs our offense has had this year…JB and Chris Demps (sic) are going to have to be ON this week as we can never rely on our WRs to make plays, however we did see a few touches of brilliance from Dre Debose (even thought apparently he sent out his cell number on a tweet last week). Anyways, this game has yet another Home Underdog this week, and you know what, sometimes you just have to say, what the fuck…

I Hate U 21
FLORIDA 24

EGM
Noles 31
Gators 10

ML
Noles 24
Gators 10

Ole Miss at Mississippi State (-17.5)
CB
Another name game, the Golden Egg. Its painfully obvious to anyone who doesn’t enjoy Ole Miss playing poorly…hell its obvious to everyone that Ole Miss shouldn’t stand a chance in this game. Houston Nutt, as opposed to getting his kids rally around him and the school during his lame duck second half of the season, has decided to mail it in like the horse’s ass he is. Scum. A conspiracy theorist could conclude that it was in fact Nutt’s firing that has caused the implosion of the Bourbon Boys as two of them have an unhealthy obsession with him…I’ll give you a hint, I AIN’T one of them.

Ole Miss 17
Mess State 24

EGM
Rebs 3
Dawgs 45

ML
Ole Piss 10
Piss St 31

7:45pm

Clemson at South Carolina (-4)
EGM
As usual, these teams are almost dead even. Neither one ever seems to get too much of talent advantage and more often than not the better team doesn’t win. That’s why I’m baffled by the 4+ points that the Cocks are favored by. Only one thing can explain it, Vegas likes Spurrier better than Clown Boy Dabo. Even with better QB play from Clemson, I happen to agree.

Tigers 17
Cocks 24

ML
Clemzzon 19
SC 17

CB
Clemzon 30
Sorth Cackalacky 31

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week XII

2011-11-19T07:53:00.001-06:00

El Gran Mono
What a wonderful week of games to return to, and by wonderful, I mean terrible. Miss state v. Arkansas is the game of the week and that says it all.

Brew of the week:
Smithwick’s, best enjoyed in its hometown of Kilkenny.

Malt Licker
This week’s edition of the picks are being mailed in on a third class stamp. Third class like this week’s slate of games, or if you prefer, the Gators offense.

Cuzzin Bailey
I’ll be honest, I haven’t even thought about these games since we distributed the list, and look at them, can you blame me? Naw, I have been wrapped up in outside stuff: Sons of Anarchy, Thanksgiving, LEAVING Facebook…you know the usual. Yea, I took the reverse plunge on that one and it feels great. I hate how much exposure I have to people I haven’t seen in 10 years! That’s why I love the anonymity of twitter! Anyways look, this is the least exciting SEC week and that includes the usually interesting Ole Miss – LSU game. My cable is acting funny so I may not even see much of the Gators game this weekend until Breakfast with the Gators on Sunday morning. Alright, that is probably bullshit but it the fact that it’s a possibility should show you how little I care about these games. Do yourself a favor and root for the USA in the President’s Cup, show your freaking national pride! www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

12:00pm

Citadel at South Carolina (OFF)
ML
Whoooo!! What a Matchup!!! Militaristic rednecks vs. regular rednecks! If the Citadel can manage to do something the Gators couldn’t, contain the amazing running ability of Connor Shaw, then they might be able to keep this game within 50

The Fortress 3
Cocks 40

CB
Citadelettes 13
Sorth Cackalacky 33

EGM
Citadel 0
USC 55

12:21pm

Kentucky at Georgia (-30.5)
CB
Got one of the few all SEC matchups this weekend here! Here’s the rub…if UGA wins (likely) the scumbags from Athens are on their way to Atlanta. Let’s just talk about it like its inevitable because it freaking is, damnit. This makes me mad and happy at the same time, let me essplain: Mad b/c, shit, its our arch-rival who is “succeeding” in this bullshit terrible Division; I am happy though b/c of that same shittiness, it’s a pretty good damn guarantee that the Dawgs are gonna lose in the SECCG so that will be nice watching them get humiliated!

Kensucky 14
Jawja 34

EGM
KY 3
UGA 45

ML
UK 7
UGA 50

1:00pm

Furman at Florida (OFF)
CB
I was involved in a very interesting debate this week about what to do with Johnny Brantley for this game and the rest of the season. Do we keep riding the great Gator fan who stuck around through thick and thin (all kinds of weather etc), or is it a good idea to perhaps look to the future, see how Brissett handles a shitty team on our home turf? I was on the side of the future…I mean hell, let JB toss it around in the first quarter, but then plug in the kids to see what they can do and get their confidence up for FSU next weekend. This game sucks, as do they all…

Furman 7
FLORIDA 27

EGM
Palladins 2
Gators 3

ML
Purple Paladins 13
Gators 14

Georgia Southern at Alabama (OFF)
EGM
Thank goodness the NCAA permitted a 12th game for everyone. Otherwise this matchup would only take place in our head.

Georgia of the South 0
Bama 80

ML
GaSawth 0
Bama 60

CB
Ga Suthun 0
Bama 40

Samford at Auburn (OFF)
ML
I’m really glad the NCAA decided to add this extra week of games. It is so enthralling! Maybe they should do away with this week of games and spend the extra week monitoring each football programs anti-child rape safeguards. I don’t even know what Samford’s mascot is, and frankly, I don’t care. Let’s call them the Samford Smegma. I’d rather watch Jack and Jill in a theatre full of 8 year olds (as long as Sandusky isn’t lurking).

Go Smegs! 3
War Tigers 55

CB
Samford 10
Auburn 29

EGM
Terry Bowden Part I 10
Terry Bowden Part II 48

3:30pm

Mississippi State at Arkansas (-13)
EGM
Remember when everyone was calling Dan Mullen a genius and touting Miss State as a darkhorse conference contender? Those people should probably stop thinking of Florida as a major win and more of something that happens often. Because, oh yes, that pronouncement was based on the Miss State’s asswhooping of Mr Mom and the Non-talent Assclowns.

As for the game, Petrino would never allow a loss in this situation and smells an opportunity to tie for the conference title next week. I smell the hammer of Thor coming out.

Miss State 10
Arky 42

ML
MSU 14
Arkansas 31

CB
Miss Stizz 13
Arkansar 27

7:00pm

LSU at Ole Miss (+30)
ML
My one non “OFF Line” game of the week and it is this pile of drivel? I wouldn’t watch this game at gunpoint. You know your program is in trouble if the most well known person in your program is your currently-fired-yet-still-coaching head coach. If this were a lynching contest Ole Miss might be favored.

Tigers 34
Rebs 7

CB
LSU 32
Ole Miss 10

EGM
Tigers 35
Rebs 0

Vanderbilt at Tennessee (+1.5)
EGM
And this is what we have come to, Vandy being favored over Tennessee. The Dores have possibly the best QB in the league and he’s going to be around for awhile. As for Derek Dooley…not so much. How long before those orange pants are on a rack at Goodwill?

Dores 24
Vols 17

ML
Vandurp 24
Vowlz 20

CB
Vandersexxx (Eurotrip Reference) 20
InbredSexxx (Tennessee Reference) 17

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week XI

2011-11-11T13:04:00.003-06:00

Malt Licker
So there are football programs out there with more reason to be embarrassed than the Gators? I like to think of myself as a contrarian. I make light of devastating tornados, hurricanes, tsunamis, black holes, gamma ray bursts and other catastrophes in this crazy universe. But sexual abuse of little boys is something that even I will not joke about. However, I am always interested in the reaction of the Facebook/Twitter-verse. Especially folks calling for everyone’s head, including those, like Joe-Pa, who are not subject to a criminal indictment. None of us know how McQueary framed the alleged incident to Paterno, yet the vast majority of people are unwilling to extend Joe-Pa the benefit of the doubt. I’ve seen some people even suggest that Penn State should cancel this week’s game, or the rest of the season. What would that accomplish? Do we need to take drastic measures to prove that we all think raping little boys is bad? I get the impression that some people will not be satisfied unless PSU revokes every football scholarship Paterno granted and tears down Beaver Stadium brick-by-brick. However, I would like to congratulate the OWS crowd for no longer being considered the stupidest protesters of the year.

Cuzzin Bailey
Look, I know what’s going on, I’m watching that movie “Devil” right now and it has inspired me to take responsibility for what I’m doing. I SUCK at picking games. I am the reason they invented the phrase “for entertainment purposes only.” No one should ever take my advice (not that yall did in the first place). In the spirit of Tommy Boy, let me give you the reasons why I suck as a handicapper: 1) I don’t do any research: everything I say is off the cuff and all of my facts are made up, butchered from another source, or half observed, which leads to my next point; 2) I watch most games in a drunken stupor: These facts or tidbits are just things I have heard Gary Daniels, Verne Lundquist, or (gasp) Andre Ware say and should be taken with a grain of salt; 3) I am a huge homer: not only do I blindly root for the Gators, but I have other teams in my arsenal that would like to do well. I have an agenda ladies and gentlemen and that clouds my judgment, a lot. 4) I usually write this thing while neck deep in a movie or a TV show. I think one year I actually picked a few teams to “push.” While this is entirely possible, it can be a long shot when you're picking against the spread like us.

Anyways, I went to Gainesville last weekend with my wife and we had a great time watching the Gators snap that losing streak, but were disappointed by the LSU victory.  Homer statement.

Oh yea, I got through this entire opening without talking about Penn State. Annnnnnd since I just ruined that, I might as well say my piece: Kid’s getting “abused” like that is horrific; JoePa had very little to do with it, but b/c he didn’t do absolutely everything he could and the fact that the Board of Trustees had it out for him, the decision to fire him in the season was easy for them; finally, if guilty, Jerry Sandusky will rot in hell, and if prison justice is an actual thing, we’ll be hearing about it. That’s about it, I actually don’t have an agenda here, it’s a tragedy and I hope those students who “rioted” don’t get jobs b/c they are sheep-lemmings looking for attention. Oh, shit! I almost forgot to plug my twitter account: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

El Gran Mono
Hello, from the Southwest Coast of Ireland. I managed to see 1Q of the “game of the century” and it was exactly as expected. Two shite offenses getting shut downs by dominant defenses. I was glad to see the Gators didn’t lose to Vandy. I’m also glad I didn’t see it.

Brew of the Week: Steinlager Pure, enjoyed a number of these at a Kiwi restaurant on the Antrim Coast. It needs to come back to the US soon, if only for me to enjoy.

12:00pm

Florida at South Carolina (-3.5)
CB
In sticking with the fine tradition of famous homers, I would like to tell you how the Gators are gonna kick some serious ass this weekend! We haven’t won back to back games since Tennessee and Kentucky. Don’t let their 1-9 combined SEC records fool you, those were tough teams with a lot to prove (of course they failed at that whole-heartedly). South Cackalacky needs to win this weekend and hope that the trashbag Georgia Bulldogs can at least split their last two SEC games. If the Gators win this week, USC will have 3 conference losses and the Cocks will need Jawja to lose both. So in true homer fashion, let me explain that while we have touched bottom this year, having Johnny Brantley back is such a breath of fresh air. Our defense has been playing poorly late (perfect, I know), but without a QB that’s 100% and their best RB USCe is very vulnerable. Oh yea, I would like to say “Thank you” and “Screw you” to Spurrier. If you know me at all, you’ll know why. Huge Gators win here, lock it up!

FLORIDA 24
Cawks 21

EGM
Cocks 28
Gators 17

ML
Spurrier 24
Muschamp 14

12:21pm

Kentucky at Vanderbilt (-13)
CB
With El Gran Mono doing the bare minimum, we are getting stuck with this gutter trash. I love both towns these teams come from so I can’t be a total hater this week. The Wildcats are going to lose this game. That’s a fact, but by how much is what you’re really wondering. I think Aaron Rodgers lil’ brother is going to completely decimate this Kentucky team. Book it.

Kensuck 13
Vander 49

EGM
KY 10
Vandy 31

ML
Wildcats 10
Commodores 28

3:30pm

Auburn at Georgia (-13)
ML
I saw the ESPN documentary Roll Tide/War Eagle this week. Is there a bigger loser than Harvey Updyke? (Any questions like this implicitly contain the preface “other than Jerry Sandusky”). Way to go with that tree poisoning redneck. Anyway, I did not know that Auburn and ‘Bama refused to play for decades due to some petty grievance. It is nice to know that some things never change. Speaking of things never changing, Georgia still sucks, but could still be the Eastern sacrificial lamb in Atlanta this December. It’s difficult to believe that both of these teams are ranked. Is it me or is the level of play in college football this year a lot worse than in year’s past? Maybe I should start watching more games that don’t involve the Gators. It is clouding my judgment. I know Auburn stinks, but should they really be a 13 point underdog? I feel like they will pick off a couple Murray passes to keep this game close.

Kittys 19
Puppys 27

CB
Aubarn 14
Georgah 24

EGM
Plainsmen 10
UGA 21

6:00pm

Tennessee at Arkansas (-14)
ML
Speaking of child molesters, Bobby Petrino has his Hawgs stealthily in the hunt for a BCS bid. The matchup against LSU looms large as Arkansas makes its way through the underporkbelly of their schedule. Without Tyler Bray, Tennessee has no chance.

Vols 13
Hawgs 34

CB
Vuls 16
Arkansas 33

EGM
Vols 13
Arky 34

7:00pm

Western Kentucky at LSU (-41.5)
EGM
Team of the Century with Jarrett Lee and JJeff at the helm? The pundits might want to think that through.

WKU 0
LSU 58

ML
Hilltoppers 0
Tigers 38

CB
WKU 3
LSU 48

7:30pm

Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss (+2)
ML
When you are a home underdog against Louisiana Tech and it is not against the Lady Techsters, it might be time to fire your coach. Ole Miss took care of this last week and will send Nutt packing at the end of the year. It’s hard to believe that such a dynamic personality and handsome southern gent is not a better recruiter. If Ole Miss could fuse Ed Orgeron and Houston Nutt into one coach named Edston Nuteron, they would be unstoppable! At least they have a lame mascot.

Techsters 10
Nutters 11

CB
La-Tech 14
Ole Miss 17

EGM
Lady Techsters 10
Ole Miss 13

7:45pm

Alabama at Mississippi State (+18)
CB
Ugh, what an awful way/place to come back after such a devastating loss. I really over estimated Bama’s ability to move the ball on LSU last week. In fact that pick of mine has sent me in a tailspin of emotional trauma. The freaking final was 9-6 in OVERTIME and while it was the Tide’s game to lose (they missed 4 FGs), it wasn’t like they were going to kill the Tigers. I guess the only cure for such heart break is playing a team like Mississippi State. But like I said, the environment is going to be tough to get up for here. Most of the kids in the SEC have only seen stadiums smaller in high school, and that can be a real shock. Hopefully for Bama’s sake this won’t keep them down for too long, I’m sure they just want to get back on the field and regroup.

Bama 38
Miss Stizzle 10

EGM
Bama 41
Miss State 7

ML
‘Bama 30
MSU 10

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week X

2011-11-04T16:00:00.000-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
Look, I was right to have a good feeling last week, regardless of the outcome. In every way, it seemed as though the gods wanted us to win, yet somehow the Gators pulled a Jawga and came up lame. I get that we only score one offensive TD and gave up 3, but other than two perfectly placed 4th down touchdown passes…alright, I’ll stop. Basically we suck this year, and here is my plea: If you are at all close to jumping off the bandwagon, complete the jump. As I saw on twitter this week, this will be a good year to “trim the fat” of the folks that jumped on during our heyday (06-09). As frustrated with Gators as I have been, I’m still positive about the future and the direction that Muschamp is planning on taking us; those who are ‘done’ with UF aren’t welcome anyways. Look, if the football team isn’t one of the top 2 reasons you are applying to or want your kid to go to Florida, do us all a favor and send him/her to Harvard (they will accept our scraps). This made sense when I started writing it a few days ago. Anyways, this weekend the Bourbon wife and I are heading up to Gainesville for the Vandy game thanks to some friends of ours who recently got engaged (in Jacksonville last weekend, hardcore Gators), and Gator Growl courtesy of past BBOYS contributor the Dinner Cruise Gambler. Heed my warnings, if you only peripherally care about the Gators do yourself and everyone here a favor get a haircut and dust off your FSU shirt you wore in the 90s. For more nonsense: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

Malt Licker
I must say I am quite envious of El Gran Mono. Not only is he currently basking in the overcast skies of the Emerald Isle, he is virtually assured of missing this week’s throttling of his alma mater by the Vanderbilt Commodores. It should be considered an act of war to allow broadcasts featuring this pathetic Gators football team to cross into foreign airwaves. This year’s team makes last year’s team look semi-competent . I’d rather spend three hours watching Kirstie Alley and Roseanne Barr try to shoehorn themselves into Charlie Weis’ coaching gear, than witness another illegal-procedure-riddled debacle. Did you know we lead the country in penalties per game? Does John Brantley know that letting the play clock run own to “0” equals a five yard penalty? Unfortunately, because I’m a fan, I will be forced to subject myself to the torture scheduled for 12:20. There are only two interesting SEC matchups this week, one of them being the latest game of the century. Remember when we played in those? Naturally, the other interesting game, USC/Arky is on at just about the same time. At least the dial will be clear for the thrilling matchup between Ole Miss and Kentucky!

El Gran Mono
Greetings from Dublin! If you guessed that I am writing this at my hotel bar that overlooks a medieval cathedral then you are right. I might be the only college football fan in the universe that probably won’t be watching the game of the century tomorrow. However, chances are I will still be awake at midnight and taking down a pint with the Antrim Coast in the background so maybe it will be on. My take on the game, Nick Saban runs a more disciplined ship than Les Miles. In a game of equals, I’ll take the team that doesn’t try something stupid. Advantage Bama. As for the Gators, losing to a bad Georgia team is strike two for Will Muschamp and you only get three strikes in my world.

Brew of the week: Kilkenny Irish Ale. Goes down great with nice piece of roasted lamb. Cheers!

12:21pm

Vanderbilt at Florida (-13.5)
ML
I hope Gator Growl is fun and the weather is nice, everything else that weekend will suck. For those of you who haven’t been to Gville in a while (ahem CB) you might notice that the quality of our co-eds is beginning to look positively Duke-ian. Some in the media are wondering why our student section is not filling up like in year’s past. The answer is simple. More and more of our students are named Mei, Li, Ting and Monsoor and would rather spend a Saturday afternoon at Chem Lab than getting drunk and watching sub-par football. Job well done Bernie! You used to be able to differentiate between Vanderdorks and UF students. Now they are one and the same. Can you believe we are almost a two touchdown favorite? Has anyone watched this team play? We’re a joke. We have no identity on offense and no one that can catch the football on either side of the ball. Let’s continue to play 5th year seniors with no talent instead of our young guys. That is quite a recipe for success and improvement. I’d like to thank Urban Meyer for recruiting a bunch of no-talent ass clowns on offense. Is there anyone on that side of the ball, other than a healthy Demps, who would see regular playing time on a top 10 team? What a disgrace. Why would Urban recruit a lead footed drop back QB for his spread offense anyway? Vanderbilt is actually sort of not terrible this year. I wouldn’t bet on these Gators if we were getting two TDs. Take the Commodores to the bank!

Vander-dork 24
Gators 4

EGM
Florida 21
Vandy 17

CB
Nerds 13
GATORS 28

12:30pm

New Mexico State at Georgia (-32.5)
ML
Oh wow we’re Georgia!!! Congratulations!!! Tremendous victory! You beat the worst UF football team since Galen Hall, barely. If we had cornerbacks who could find and knock down a football, Mark pRicht would have “For Sale” signs on his front lawn. This may end up working out. Hopefully, Machen’s cohort in temperance, Mike Adams, will lock him in for another five years, which will allow the coach who replaces Muschamp a chance to get a couple easy wins.

NMSU 3
Fuck GA 50

EGM
NMSU 3
UGA 51

CB
Old Mehico 13
Cheaters 44

3:30pm

Ole Miss at Kentucky (+1.5)
CB
Just read that one of these teams has the worst defense in the SEC and the other has the worst offense in the league. It would probably help to know which was which huh? Well let’s just use some logic here. Kentucky can’t score, therefore they lose a lot. Ole Miss can’t stop anyone, therefore they lose a lot. But the rebs CAN put points on the board. This is a no-brainer…ish

Ole Miss 22
Ol’ Kats 13

ML
Ole Piss 14
Ole Bluegrass 17

EGM
Black Bears 17
KY 10

7:00pm

Middle Tennessee State at Tennessee (-20.5)
EGM
I really enjoy the name “Blue Raiders”. With a name like that MTSU needs a better mascot. Maybe a crazy alien or something. Their team sucks so they should probably think outside the box.

UT took the redshirt off their stud recruit last week and the result was 3 points. I’d say that’s a disappointing start but as a Gator fan I don’t have any room to talk. This game breaks down as a bad team against a worse team. Watch at gunpoint only.

MTSU 10
Vols 34

CB
MTSU 13
UT 35

ML
MTSU 0
UT 40

7:15pm

South Carolina at Arkansas (-5)
EGM
This game is getting no coverage despite both teams sporting high rankings. However, I think everyone knows both teams are a little overrated and are due for a loss at any moment. Arkansas continues to play catchup constantly and the Cocks don’t have a capable QB or RB on their roster. Sounds like a clash of two top ten teams right?

I like the Arkansas offense a lot more than the Cock defense so I’ll take the Hawgs to cover and win.

Cocks 20
Hawgs 27

CB
Cawks 17
Hawgs 27

ML
Cocks 20
Hawgs 30

7:30pm

UT-Martin at Mississippi State (OFF)
CB
This is curse of having the first pick during a week with an uneven amount of games. This game not only means a little to me as possible, but it also has zero implications on anything. If I were an MSU Dawg alum, I would prefer my “Homecoming game” was played away.

UT- MAHTIN! 2
Dirty West Dogs 40

ML
UT-M 6
MSU 50

EGM
UT Martin 3
Miss State 49

8:00pm

LSU at Alabama (-4.5)
CB
I’m not going to bore you as to why this is the game of the week, because this is more like the game of the year. Both teams: are highly ranked in offensive and defensive categories nationally; both coaches have won a national championship in the last 4 years; both coaches have won national championships AT LSU; the game will definitively decide who is Number 1 come Monday. The only thing we as humble SEC second class citizens can hope is that whoever wins this game is the true team b/c a loss down the road by the winner could send the South into a tailspin of pain having to watch another conference hold up the BCS trophy. LSU’s defense is great they are only matched by Alabama. Alabama’s offense (especially late, when it matters) is matched by the Tigers. If we’re talking QBs, LSU’s two headed monster of Jefferson and Lee (sounds like some snooty college up in the Sorth (sic)), would probably have the advantage, but the thing about Nick Saban’s offenses aren’t that he has some superstar quarterback running the show, but that he has a capable dude back there who doesn’t screw up. That’s what Bama has in AJ McCarron, and aside from that ‘God’-awful tattoo he has on his chest, he displays pretty good judgment. (Now speaking as a Gator fan, I certainly didn’t enjoy his crowd-mocking gestures at the swamp all those weeks ago, but shit, we have bigger things to worry about). But this is all beating around the bush now. The big deal is whether or not Bama can unleash Trent “For Real Man” Richardson. Behind that huge offensive line, the Tide’s leading rusher has put up Heisman like numbers and he big question is whether or not he can continue the trend against the crawfish-fed coonasses of LSU. I think a combination of Bama’s defense and the fact that TR will be able to find holes Saturday night with enough frequency to pull (slightly) away late in the game. Look, LSU hasn’t had to rely on any of its tricks/luck of the past, I call for that to change, Les is gonna get crazy for some reason but watch for it NOT be the difference. After the game I predict a full on meltdown by the Grasseater. Get him OUTTA HERE!

L-Es-U 19
Bama 24

ML
Katrina Refugees 16
Tornado Refugees 14

EGM
LSU 13
Bama 14

Auburn – BYE WEEK

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week IX

2011-10-28T15:21:00.001-05:00

Malt Licker
Wasn’t it nice to have a stress-free Saturday? I’m going to shift gears and take a more tolerant and civil tone. Hopefully, it will lead to better results for our Gators and the much-maligned new coaching staff. Is the name DJ Durkin officially a punch line? Please bear in mind, that if we lose to Georgia this week, all bets are off. The last two weeks will seem like a second grade book report about pandas. This week’s slate of games is rather mundane. Everyone is gearing up for LSU/BAMA two weeks from now. I suppose there is some interest in A&M/Mizzou, from whom I’m not terribly sure.

El Gran Mono
For some reason I feel exceptionally good this Friday. Perhaps it’s the nip in the air or my forthcoming trip to the land of shamrocks and Guinness…or maybe it’s the hourly chants and bucket drums of Occupy DC. No matter the reason, I’m hoping my good vibes can infect the Gators. It appears that JB3’s ankle is feeling better and Chuck Weis has prepared all of the QBs so we are off to good start. UGA is always ripe for the taking and there is no doubt that Dawg fans have piss running down their leg as we speak (and not just because of too many brews at the Landing). JB3 has a chance to sweep the Dawgs as a starter and Muschamp has a chance to revive this trainwreck of a season. Let’s like this firecracker!

Brew of the week: Staropramen. Great hoppy flavor with a clean pilsner finish. Goes great with a World Series Game 7.

Cuzzin Bailey
For those of you keeping score, this is the first “Cocktail Party” I have missed in four years; of course it didn’t hurt that I was living in Jacksonville during that time. Anyways, I saw 2 complete blowouts and last year’s thrilling OT victory. If there is one thing I learned during my lifetime is that it doesn’t matter how overhyped Georgia is, or how many awesome players they have, or how big a’underdogs we are, there is ALWAYS a pretty good chance we’ll beat the Dawgs. Take 2008 for instance: the year before, UGA beat UF and jumped all over the endzone like a bunch of psychopaths; the next year (08), Georgia fans bought so many tickets and were talking SO much smack (come to think of it, that’s their MO every year) and what happened? Huge blowout and well before the 4th quarter their side of the field was practically empty. 09, same thing. Last year, the first half domination by the Gators saw many of their hate-filled fans heading for the exits early enough to miss their comeback and eventual loss. It was outstanding. Just thinking about all the wins I have seen in Jacksonville makes me so happy. I love how obnoxious the Dawgs fans are before the game and how completely humiliated they become when they realize its no longer the 70s/80s. Note to Georgia fans: Hershel Walker is gone and ain’t never coming back, no matter how much money you offer him (again, GD cheaters). Anyways, I hate Vince Dooley more today than I did when I first learned that he is the one that turned UF in to the NCAA in the 80s to cover up their own illegal recruiting and other violations. Anyways, I’m sure Malt Licker will appreciate that I’m filling up with hate, only for now its directed at my enemies. For more of this nonsense, I’ll see you on twitter, www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

12:00 PM

Missouri at Texas A&M -10
ML
The Aggies are looking to “gig” the Tigers (so we will now have 3 different Tigers in the conference?) and end a two game losing streak. I will be watching this game to see who I can hate the most when they join our conference. A&M sports a jerk-off head coach in Mike “put a jersey on” Sherman, who I will always remember for confronting Warren Sapp for an imminently clean block on Chad Clifton during a Bucs/Packers game. It looks like the Packers decision to can him worked out pretty well for them. Nevertheless, Sherman’s Aggies are on a roll offensively and the Tigers can’t stop anyone. Lay the points.

Tigers Part 3 28
Agriculturals 45

EGM
Mizzou 27
Tejas A&M 28

CB
SEC? 17
Already In 43

12:21 PM

Arkansas at Vanderbilt +10
EGM
I’m not sure what to think about Arkansas after their lackluster performance against the Black Bears. Bobby Petrino’s offense never seems to be out of any game but his defense is certainly suspect (giving up more than 14 points to Ole Miss will do that). However, the cure for any defense is the Vanderbilt offense. Only giving 10 points to Vandy is crazy talk.

Hawgs 38
Vandy 10

CB
Arkansas 30
Vandie 7

ML
‘Backs 31
‘Dores 20

3:30 PM

Florida vs. Georgia -3 (at Jacksonville)
ML
I just reviewed my first post of the season, where I expressed reservations about having to rely on Johnny B. Little did I know that the offense would totally fall apart without him and our coaching staff would be totally inept and dealing with his absence? Needless to say, this game will go a long way toward determining the direction of the Will Muschamp era. Right now it is feeling a little Zookian. An objective analysis of this game clearly shows that Georgia should be favored. However, they have been favored against the Gators in the past, and typically find a way to blow it. Clearly a loss to this Gators squad would sound the death knell for pRicht’s tenure in Athens, and may lead to an ingestion of hemlock. I’d love to pick us to win, but I Durkin’s hapless special teams will cost us another victory.

Gators 20
Dawgs 22

EGM
Gators 28
Dawgs 17

CB
GATORS 20
SlimeDogs 19

7:00 PM

Ole Miss at Auburn -12
EGM
Ole Miss should really be focused on this game because it is likely their only chance at victory in the SEC. Auburn is just sluggish enough to allow the Rebbears to hang around with their “don’t try to score” offense. However, given this game is at Jerden Hare and at night, the Plainsmen should eventually pull away. I’d discuss the nightmarish haircuts that will be prevalent at this game but that would be a tired take on my part. Whoops…

Rebs 10
Plainsmen 24

CB
Ole Miss 17
Auburn 21

ML
Ole Piss 11
Auburn 31

Mississippi St. at Kentucky +10
CB
I would give Vandy a better shot at beating MSU than the Kats, like anyone in Lexington really cares, (don’t worry, its almost basketball season). SEC east is just so pathetic this year that I am blindly confident that any SEC west team could beat this squad. I was so wrong last week about Ole Miss that I don’t even know if I should complete this sentence.

Mess St 17
Kensucky 3

ML
MSU 13
Wildcats 2

EGM
Miss State 31
KY 7

7:15 PM

South Carolina at Tennessee +4
CB
The Cocks need a little help to get back to the SECCG. Obviously not losing to UT would be a step in the right direction. The spread in this game directly reflects the loss of Marcus Lattimore for the season. Considering how uncertain the games between the mortal teams have been this year and how awful the gamecocks looked on the road last week, I am gonna go crazy for a minute and call for the upset of the week here…

Cocks 17
Tennessee 20

ML
Cocks 17
Vols 19

EGM
Cocks 13
Vols 14

Alabama – BYE WEEK

LSU – BYE WEEK

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week VIII

2011-10-21T21:05:00.001-05:00

El Gran Mono
The best thing part about this week, the Gators aren’t playing. I’m taking all of Saturday off for mental health purposes. I recommend you do the same. After all, the game to end all games isn’t for two more weeks. I highly doubt there will be any synthetic drug suspensions between then and now. But perhaps that’s the conspiracy theorist in me.

Brew of the week: Widmer Brothers Bourbon Barrel Ale. Great flavor, easy finish and mixes well with tears and anger. Hopefully someone from Portland will bring you some. Thanks @joemorganfan.

Malt Licker
Whooohooo!!! It’s the third Saturday in October!!! Ohhh the pageantry!!! I thought I may have been a bit…harsh…last week, but the feedback on twitter led me to believe that the people love anger and insensitivity. I honestly don’t know how anyone could watch the Gators this year and feel anything but anger. Anger at Coach Boom for the penalties and pathetic special teams play….Anger at Urban for leaving us with no playmakers….Anger at Charlie Weis and his fat upper pussy area. We could honestly lose to fucking Vanderbilt this year. I just read that Missouri’s curators have given the chancellor authority to move to the SEC. It’s nice because UF will have a new partner in suck. The only thing I have to look forward this month is the premiere of Beavis & Butthead. Book your tickets for Shreveport! I hear it is lovely in late December.

Cuzzin Bailey
Another three game skid. Another year of getting owned by the SEC West. This is turning into a terrible trend. As pissed as most of you probably are…Oh great, my apathy for this season has been compounded by the fact that this is a bye week and is trying to take over this post. Let me see if I can fight the boredom: We really need to beat UGA next week and my wife and I are going to the Vandy game in two weeks, so my lack of enthusiasm is tempered by the near future. The Johnny Brantley scenario is in full on controversy mode. Coach Boom says he should be back by Monday etc, but unnamed sources are saying the injury is far worse than is being reported. I’m sorry, but to even imply that a school would be less than honest about the health of one of its players is incredibly NOT shocking. I think it would be great to get JBIII back but we’re still gonna need to run the ball effectively against decent defenses, which has vexed us as of late. I wouldn’t blame you if you stopped reading by now. Hell, I’m just mailing this part in anyways. Me, twitter, follow (figure out the order): www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

12:00pm

Jacksonville State at Kentucky (OFF)
ML
I’d rather drink lemon-scented Mr. Clean than watch this abortion of a game. I’d rather watch a fart dissipate in the wind

JSU 3
UK 40

CB
Jax Stizzle 13
Kensucky 30

EGM
Jax State 10
KY 20

12:21pm

Arkansas at Ole Miss (+16)
CB
While I’m certainly not “rooting” for Arkansas in this game, I am not a fan of Houston Nutt, so the expected result is probably what’s best for everyone. The other Bourbon Boys used to “s” Nutt’s “d” when he was the coach at the Razorbacks from some unknown reason while I always shit on him. Given the fact that he’s a second rate coach and (aside from two decent years at Murray State), he has lost 3 or more games in every year of his coaching career, I have no clue why anyone would defend this sack of shit. (Btw, that stat includes going 10-4 in 2006 and winning the then down SEC West). Not saying that Ole Miss needs a world class coach, but everyone deserves someone better than him. I pretty much hate the guy. In regards to the game, it seems that the Ole Miss party factory is in for yet another disappointing game. Arkansas is probably gonna throw all over the Rebs and given the way Ole Miss is playing this year, I would take this spread all day, like I give a shit.

Arky 40
Ole Miss 14

EGM
Hawgs 38
Ole mIss 0

ML
Arky 40
Ole Piss 10

3:30pm

Auburn at LSU (-21.5)
EGM
I just can’t believe that the team of 21st century (Part II) would have guys that are using synthetic drugs. What makes it even harder to believe is the fact that one of the dudes has the fun nickname “honey badger”? Maybe he should just stick to eating grass.

I’d give Auburn half a chance if this game was on the Plains. But since they are playing in the shithole otherwise known as Death Valley they will probably get smoked. However, with Jarrett Lee at the helm 21.5 is just too much to ask for… even with synthetic drugs at your disposal.

Plainsmen 10
Tigers 24

ML
War Eagle Shit Droppings 10
Bayou Shit Bengals 40

CB
Trashbin Tigers 16
Dirttrash Tigers 30

7:00pm

Army at Vanderbilt (-10.5)
EGM
Any team that is getting 11 points against Vandy is absolutely awful. Do not watch this game.

Knights 13
Vandy 28

ML
Cadets 20
Dabney Colemans 17

CB
Army 17
Vandy 27

7:15pm

Tennessee at Alabama (29.5)
ML
Is there a river route from Knoxville to Tuscaloosa? We all know that the Tornado Freeway empties there. Unfortunately for the inbred mountain clowns from Knoxville, I do not believe the Vol Navy has anywhere to disembark. This will be another epic slaughter for Saban. Alabama might not lose another game for the rest of our lives. By that time, they might have rebuilt their town, which was decimated by that hurricane.

Orange Pukes 7
Crimson Jerks 40

CB
Smokey Sucks 7
Bama 40

EGM
Vols 3
Bama 24

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week VII

2011-10-14T20:00:00.000-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
Another game, another loss. Eh, what are you gonna do? I could go on and on about how these aren’t Muschamp’s ideal players, how they are smaller (and fast yes, I get it) than he prefers, but I’m not going to waste your time. All I know is its dumb luck coincidence that we played the No. 2 team and then the No. 1 team two weeks in a row, so I’m not giving any credence to that “worst back to back losses” in a while or whatever talk. We are NOT in the same class as LSU and Bama at the moment and would probably finished 4th in SEC West, same potential result as last year. Teams go through this…step back from the ledge my friend, I have faith Muschamp will figure this out. One more thing, until his coaches start coaching the way he wants, and his players start playing his way, I have NO problem with him giving them the business even if it is on national television. People who are criticizing Coach Boom this early are either trying to sell something, or were never going to give him a chance from the beginning. This week we are playing yet another SEC team that our HC has a connection to, joy. Auburn is the scum of the SEC it would be nice to silence that hell hole known as Jordan-Hare Stadium. After last week’s game, I am going to get away from the computer during the games as some of my outbursts were criticized by fellow tweeters; drama I was hoping avoid by boycotting Facebook, but alas it follows you everywhere…anyways, if you want to read lucent, well thought out tweets, follow someone else. www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

El Gran Mono
I’d love to be positive about last week but I’m still pretty pissed off. Getting juked by Jarrett Lee will do that to you. However, don’t misunderstand my anger, its not losing to the #1 team that pisses me off. Rather, the anger stems from the manner of losing and the confusion that is apparent among players and coaches. The new coach smell has worn off Mssrs. Muschamp and Weis. I mistakenly gave them the benefit of the doubt. Now, its time for them to earn my trust. There is no better place for that to start happening than Jerden-Hare. Let’s light this firecracker. (I would have discussed other good games this week but there aren’t any)

Brew of the week: Oskar Blues – Mama’s Little Yella Pils (Sorry bourgeois readers, its only available in a can)

Malt Licker
Those of you who are fans of South Park can sympathize with the way I felt last weekend. Watching the Gators get destroyed by Les Miles and an Australian punter turned me into cynical Stan. Everything I saw was shit. Our O Line was shit. Our D Line was shit. Our play-calling was shit. Our tackling was shit. The way Coach Boom (or is it Coach Durp?) stomped and scowled was shit. The way his stupid hair fluttered in the Louisiana breeze was shit. The use of various iterations of the “wildcat” was shit. Our refusal to give the ball to Mike Gilleslee until trailing by 30 is shit. Our inability to play “Kick return safe” on every special teams play by the Mad Hatter was shit. Even Chuck Weis’ normally statuesque physique was shit.

Contrary to the South Park season premiere, the purported cure of cynicism (copious amounts of Jameson) did not work for me. I tried to drink the shit away, only to see it become smellier and more disgusting Stephen Garcia’s liver. As an aside, I spoke with a friend who knows Garcia’s older brother, who is a Harvard grad, and according to legend, Garcia actually failed a class called “Wine Tasting” at USC. When asked why he said, “what does it matter? I’m going to the NFL.” Even that awesome anecdote could not get the shit out of my eyes. Those of you who are Bucs fans, only saw the shit stack higher and deeper on Sunday. When does basketball season start? You are now witnessing the birth of Ultra Negative Malt Licker. If I recommended or brewed a beer of the week, it would be called Ultra Negative IPA. On to this shitty slate of games.

This post is not recommended for children or those with a conscience.

12:21pm

South Carolina at Mississippi State (+2.5)
EGM
The first of a full docket of home dawgs. Both teams need this game badly to salvage a modicum of success after having high expectations. Professional rounder Stephen Garcia will not be participating in this game or any game in the future because he just can’t resist a brew during the week. Thus, Connor Shaw will be guiding the offense from here on out (or until Spurdog finds a walk on of his liking). Despite limited playing time Shaw would easily start for Miss State and that is the difference in the game. Chris Relf is bad and just bad enough to lose this game. I expect lots of running and very little scoring.

Cocks 17
Miss State 16

ML
Cocksuckers 23
Shiteaters 21

CB
Cocks 23
Dicks 13

3:30pm

LSU at Tennessee (+16)
EGM
I just can’t believe the line is this low. The Vols were struggling against a very average UGA defense last week and they still had Tyler Bray in the lineup at the time. LSU seems to be hitting on all cylinders with Jarrett Lee having few hard throws to make. That’s exactly the way Miles likes it and judging by the way other teams have lit up the Vols (See Florida) I think this will be ugly early. I’m so glad that CBS picked up this game because now I don’t have to listen to Verne and Gary gloat about whatever team they bonded with during the week. I’m sure “Jarrett” will be their best friend this week too.

Tigers 38
Vols 10

ML
Coonass inbred backward Cajun fucks 40
Squirrel eating inbred backward mountain fucks 10

CB
Tigres 30
Tennesseans 0

6:00pm

Alabama at Ole Miss (+25.5)
ML
Ohhh look its Alabama!!!! They are so devastatingly amazing that they should form their own conference. It will be called the Awesome Conference and no other teams will be allowed. They can win their conference championship every year and shake their stupid pom poms like the easily amused morons they are. They would have intra-squad scrimmage games that would command $100 a minute on pay-per-view. Alabamaamamaians just discovered this thing called cable, and they can’t wait to spend their confederate dollars on something other than tornado early-warning systems. That’s right, I went there, and will continue to go there until the Gators beat a ranked opponent. As for Ole Miss, well, they are a joke without a punch line. There only saving grace is……nothing. Even the Grove everyone speaks so highly of is overrated. Take your faux-genteel disheveled haircuts and sundresses and shove them up your ass.

Crimson tornados 50
RedNex 10

CB
Bama 41
Ole Miss 6

EGM
Bamer 41
Ole Miss 0

7:00pm

Florida at Auburn (+2)
CB
Some of you have been reading us for years and so what I’m about to say won’t come as a huge shock so I will keep it brief. To all those Gators fans traveling to Auburn this weekend, prepare yourself for, among other things, faux humility. You know, when a hick from the plains saunters up to you and says, “hey bro, don’t beat us too bad!” I hate that shit. Look, Auburn’s QB situation ain’t looking great and their defense, while improved is still bad. Their running back is a badass and that may just be the key for this game. UF will be starting Jacoby Brissett for the second weekend and while that scares me, our Defense is much more frightening. For some crazy reason we are favored in this game, and that means that Auburn might be worse that I suspect….let’s hope for that.

GATORS 21
Scumbags from the Plains 20

EGM
Gators 24
Auburn 27

ML
The University of we’ll never be relevant in football again 9
War Eagle Plainsman Tigers Dead Tree pick a mascot U 31

Georgia at Vanderbilt (+11)
CB
Incredibly enough, all games here this week feature home underdogs. Less surprisingly, Vandy is one of the homedogs. All I know is, Georgia is gonna be the first SEC team to sweep the state of Tennessee and Mississippi….haha naw, I can’t even make up that stat. I mean sure, I have the capabilities, but I just don’t care. (apathy is contagious here) UGA needs to win shitty games like this to be sure they walk into the SECCG in December. UGA plays UF and then Auburn which they can totally win, while the Cocks are absolutely going to lose to Arkansas later in the year. That’s why games like this are so important…haha why am I trying to sell this game, I don’t work for espn. Pick who ever you want damnit…

Jawga 30
Van Der Bilt 17

EGM
UGA 28
Vandy 7

ML
No matter how bad the Gators are, we’ll be worse 24
Vanderdorknerddweebspazwasteoftime 3.14

Kentucky – BYE week - Big deal

Arkansas – BYE week - Who cares

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week VI

2011-10-07T22:05:00.002-05:00

Malt Licker
Back to reality. That phrase has echoed through my mind throughout the week as I think back to last week’s game against Alabama. The Crimson Tide is a fitting nickname for Saban’s boys. As I watched that game from the packed Swamp on a perfect night, I could see their momentum slowly build. First they came back and tied it up, then their defense gave them the lead, and then they took out our QB. It all culminated in the most predictable of crescendos, Trent Richardson shaking off a tackle and running untouched through our battered defense for a long touchdown run. It was as certain as high tide.

Cuzzin Bailey
Well, as most of us suspected, the Gators got beat last weekend to the Tide. As some of us did NOT expect, we got killed. Now, I’m not saying we would have won if Bama didn’t get that defensive line pick six or if Brantley didn’t get hurt, but I have to believe it wouldn’t have been AS bad. Our d-line was exposed against a far superior offensive line and NFL type running back. Now we must regroup for a trip into a city that should be quarantined as a municipal insane asylum, Baton Rouge. Tough place for a team, let alone a freshman QB to enter as sizable a underdog. Oh well, give’em hell Gators. On a different (sport) note, I would like to thank the Tampa Bay Rays for a great season and a decent showing in the ALDS. It would have been cool for them to win one game at home (especially one that I attended), forcing this thing to a game five but whatever, this is a year that we’re just happy to be there. I would like to thank Malt Licker for his kind words after the Rays clinched. He was right, baseball can be exciting sometimes! It’s a shame that Yankees fans can’t get excited until they are in the Series, maybe they’ll be back this year! (CB note: as of publication, the Tigers beat NYY in game five of the ALDS, so not this year. My sincere condolences) Anyways, I am pleased to announce that my wife’s and my Wild Card shirts were back ordered and so they won’t arrive until 3 days after the Rays were eliminated from the playoffs! MLB.com needs to get their act together. Anyways, I’ve rambled on too long, be sure to look me up on twitter, you may learn a thing or two about shit talk: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

El Gran Mono
Its been quite a long week since the Gators were poleaxed and the Rays demise was set in motion. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), I saw neither of these two events on any medium except for a score update. Upon arriving at my palatial estate last Sunday, I immediately deleted the DVR copy of both of these games and I will know longer discuss or acknowledge that either even actually happened. I’m definitely not a good loser so I’m hoping for a miraculous recovery this weekend but I’m not counting on it. What I am counting on is…

The Brew of The Week – 21st Amendment Live Free or Die IPA. I had six of these bad boys on the Virgin America redeye from the west coast this morning and it was the best part of the entire trip.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

12:00pm

Mississippi State at UAB (+18.5)
EGM
What a travesty of a shamocracy this game is. I mean what self respecting team would play UAB in October? Other than Miss State, I would say every other puss ass team in the SEC that keeps padding their schedule with this tripe.

Miss State 31
UAB 10

ML
MSU 40
UAB 10

CB
MSU 30
Blazers 3

12:20pm

Kentucky at South Carolina (-21)
ML
How surprised would you be if you heard the Ol’ Ball Coach decapitated Stephen Garcia? Here’s a quote: "We were living through a lot of errors Stephen would make," Spurrier said. "We were hoping and believing those errors would go away. We've coached Stephen to play better, but he plays similarly about every game. Now I must lop that head off and get drunk off his alcohol-saturated blood.” One of those sentences is not an actual quote. The good news for SC is that UK is coming to town. They suck.

UK 13
SC 35

CB
Kensucky 14
USCocks 28

EGM
KY 0
Cocks 31

3:30pm

Florida at LSU (-13.5)
ML
The last time UF started a Freshman QB in Death Valley, the Gators shocked the Bengals and Coach Saban to give them their only loss in a Championship year. The bad news is Chris Leak looked relatively competent prior to that game, and Jeff Driskel looks like all he can do is make one read and then try to run. Our only chance at victory is if there is a monsoon. I have no faith. LSU’s defensive front might eat Demps and Rainey and then decorate their town with the poop that results. If you have ever been to Baton Rouge, you can acknowledge that this décor will be an upgrade. We could play this game 20 times and still have no shot at winning.

Tiger bait/reverse jinx? 3
Future nat’l champs 34

CB
Gators 17
LSUcks 23 (breaks my heart)

EGM
UF 6
Tigers 17

7:00pm

Georgia at Tennessee (+2)
CB
That the last two times the Dawgs have traveled to historic Neyland Stadium it has been an unhappy experience for the pups. However, considering the last time the Gators started a freshman QB at LSU was 2003, I thought, just for the hell of it, I would remind all of you what happened when UGA played at UT in 2003: Obviously it was a different time. Florida had lost to the Vols and later that year, UT beat Bama in a scorefest. But one moment no one should forget came at the end of the first half of this game. Tennessee was driving, in fact they were at the goal line ready to score and take a 14-13 lead into the lockerroom. What happened next made everyone who hates that pale orange a Georgia fan for about 20 seconds. The UT running back fumbles the ball and UGA SS (and current Buc) Sean Jones picked it up at the 8ish yard line running 92 yards for the touchdown. The 14 pt turnaround play made the score 20-7 at the half and the Vuls never recovered. This year, unfortunately, we need the hapless vols to beat the dawgs because Georgia plays the easiest SEC schedule in YEARS this time around. After losing to Boise St and South Carolina, the Dawgs beat the Mississippi schools, and next face the Tennessee schools, followed by the Gators, Auburn and Kentucky. Aside from this game, there is a remote chance they’ll lose maybe two games, and then get blowed out in the championship game. Look, no one wants UGA representing the East this year. They are complete garbage, but unfortunately that’s all this division is producing these days…I hate this game.

Jawga 23
Tennessee 24

EGM
Dawgs 24
UT 25

ML
UGA 20
Smokey 24

Vanderbilt at Alabama (-29)
CB
Well, what can you say? If this was vandy at LSU or UT or UGA or Auburn, I would spend this whole post tearing the team a new one, but I’ll be honest, the Gators just plain old got our asses kicked last weekend. It was embarrassing but if we somehow rebound this weekend I won’t give a crap and just fall back on the fact that we were beaten by a better team. If this starts another downward spiral of losses I’m gonna go into full on freak out mode. Anyways, I know Vandy is 3-1 and 1-1 in the SEC, but they beat Ole Miss (a not-so-great-team) and lost to South Carolina (a not-so-bad-team). It should be noted that Bama is a really, really, really good team and this game, as the spread indicates, won’t be close. I see the Tide runningback completely shredding the Vandy defense and McElroy’s replacement to just “not lose the game” which is exactly what Saban wants. This game hasn’t historically been a blow out, but watch, as Marty McFly once said to Mr. Strickland, “history is gonna change”…Sidenote: I was forced to watch Back to the Future III in Spanish the other day, it was hilarious.

George McFly’s 6
Marty McFly’s 40

EGM
Vandy 0
Bama 38

ML
Vanderdork 3
Crimson Dicks 40

Auburn at Arkansas (-10)
EGM
This game was an offensive showdown last year and this year doesn’t appear to be anything different. Auburn seems to have righted the ship after a disastrous loss to mega-overrated Clemson. However, beating up on the Cocks doesn’t really say much this year given that Steven Garcia has taken up meth in addition to heavy drinking. Arkansas also had a big w last week against future SEC doormat TAMU. Overall, I think less points will be scored than all the “experts” think and Arkansas’ receivers will control the game in the end.

Plainsmen 17
Hawgs 24

ML
Auburn 20
Arky 28

CB
Aubarn 17
Arkansas 28

Ole Miss – Bye Week: Great win for the Rebs last weekend, gained some momentum…bad way to hit a bye week

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week VI

2011-10-07T17:22:00.002-05:00

Our friend/colleague/contributor El Gran Mono is still working on this week’s masterpiece. Please pardon his tardiness and check back later...

Malt Licker
Back to reality. That phrase has echoed through my mind throughout the week as I think back to last week’s game against Alabama. The Crimson Tide is a fitting nickname for Saban’s boys. As I watched that game from the packed Swamp on a perfect night, I could see their momentum slowly build. First they came back and tied it up, then their defense gave them the lead, and then they took out our QB. It all culminated in the most predictable of crescendos, Trent Richardson shaking off a tackle and running untouched through our battered defense for a long touchdown run. It was as certain as high tide.

Cuzzin Bailey
Well, as most of us suspected, the Gators got beat last weekend to the Tide. As some of us did NOT expect, we got killed. Now, I’m not saying we would have won if Bama didn’t get that defensive line pick six or if Brantley didn’t get hurt, but I have to believe it wouldn’t have been AS bad. Our d-line was exposed against a far superior offensive line and NFL type running back. Now we must regroup for a trip into a city that should be quarantined as a municipal insane asylum, Baton Rouge. Tough place for a team, let alone a freshman QB to enter as sizable a underdog. Oh well, give’em hell Gators. On a different (sport) note, I would like to thank the Tampa Bay Rays for a great season and a decent showing in the ALDS. It would have been cool for them to win one game at home (especially one that I attended), forcing this thing to a game five but whatever, this is a year that we’re just happy to be there. I would like to thank Malt Licker for his kind words after the Rays clinched. He was right, baseball can be exciting sometimes! It’s a shame that Yankees fans can’t get excited until they are in the Series, maybe they’ll be back this year! (CB note: as of publication, the Tigers beat NYY in game five of the ALDS, so not this year. My sincere condolences) Anyways, I am pleased to announce that my wife’s and my Wild Card shirts were back ordered and so they won’t arrive until 3 days after the Rays were eliminated from the playoffs! MLB.com needs to get their act together. Anyways, I’ve rambled on too long, be sure to look me up on twitter, you may learn a thing or two about shit talk: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

El Gran Mono

Saturday, October 8, 2011

12:00pm

Mississippi State at UAB (+18.5)
EGM

ML
MSU 40
UAB 10

CB
MSU 30
Blazers 3

12:20pm

Kentucky at South Carolina (-21)
ML
How surprised would you be if you heard the Ol’ Ball Coach decapitated Stephen Garcia? Here’s a quote: "We were living through a lot of errors Stephen would make," Spurrier said. "We were hoping and believing those errors would go away. We've coached Stephen to play better, but he plays similarly about every game. Now I must lop that head off and get drunk off his alcohol-saturated blood.” One of those sentences is not an actual quote. The good news for SC is that UK is coming to town. They suck.

UK 13
SC 35

CB
Kensucky 14
USCocks 28

EGM

3:30pm

Florida at LSU (-13.5)
ML
The last time UF started a Freshman QB in Death Valley, the Gators shocked the Bengals and Coach Saban to give them their only loss in a Championship year. The bad news is Chris Leak looked relatively competent prior to that game, and Jeff Driskel looks like all he can do is make one read and then try to run. Our only chance at victory is if there is a monsoon. I have no faith. LSU’s defensive front might eat Demps and Rainey and then decorate their town with the poop that results. If you have ever been to Baton Rouge, you can acknowledge that this décor will be an upgrade. We could play this game 20 times and still have no shot at winning.

Tiger bait/reverse jinx? 3
Future nat’l champs 34

CB
Gators 17
LSUcks 23 (breaks my heart)

EGM

7:00pm

Georgia at Tennessee (+2)
CB
That the last two times the Dawgs have traveled to historic Neyland Stadium it has been an unhappy experience for the pups. However, considering the last time the Gators started a freshman QB at LSU was 2003, I thought, just for the hell of it, I would remind all of you what happened when UGA played at UT in 2003: Obviously it was a different time. Florida had lost to the Vols and later that year, UT beat Bama in a scorefest. But one moment no one should forget came at the end of the first half of this game. Tennessee was driving, in fact they were at the goal line ready to score and take a 14-13 lead into the lockerroom. What happened next made everyone who hates that pale orange a Georgia fan for about 20 seconds. The UT running back fumbles the ball and UGA SS (and current Buc) Sean Jones picked it up at the 8ish yard line running 92 yards for the touchdown. The 14 pt turnaround play made the score 20-7 at the half and the Vuls never recovered. This year, unfortunately, we need the hapless vols to beat the dawgs because Georgia plays the easiest SEC schedule in YEARS this time around. After losing to Boise St and South Carolina, the Dawgs beat the Mississippi schools, and next face the Tennessee schools, followed by the Gators, Auburn and Kentucky. Aside from this game, there is a remote chance they’ll lose maybe two games, and then get blowed out in the championship game. Look, no one wants UGA representing the East this year. They are complete garbage, but unfortunately that’s all this division is producing these days…I hate this game.

Jawga 23
Tennessee 24

EGM

ML
UGA 20
Smokey 24

Vanderbilt at Alabama (-29)
CB
Well, what can you say? If this was vandy at LSU or UT or UGA or Auburn, I would spend this whole post tearing the team a new one, but I’ll be honest, the Gators just plain old got our asses kicked last weekend. It was embarrassing but if we somehow rebound this weekend I won’t give a crap and just fall back on the fact that we were beaten by a better team. If this starts another downward spiral of losses I’m gonna go into full on freak out mode. Anyways, I know Vandy is 3-1 and 1-1 in the SEC, but they beat Ole Miss (a not-so-great-team) and lost to South Carolina (a not-so-bad-team). It should be noted that Bama is a really, really, really good team and this game, as the spread indicates, won’t be close. I see the Tide runningback completely shredding the Vandy defense and McElroy’s replacement to just “not lose the game” which is exactly what Saban wants. This game hasn’t historically been a blow out, but watch, as Marty McFly once said to Mr. Strickland, “history is gonna change”…Sidenote: I was forced to watch Back to the Future III in Spanish the other day, it was hilarious.

George McFly’s 6
Marty McFly’s 40

EGM

ML
Vanderdork 3
Crimson Dicks 40

Auburn at Arkansas (-10)
EGM

ML
Auburn 20
Arky 28

CB
Aubarn 17
Arkansas 28

Ole Miss – Bye Week: Great win for the Rebs last weekend, gained some momentum…bad way to hit a bye week

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week V

2011-09-30T14:59:00.002-05:00

El Gran Mono
Greatest sports week of all time? That’s the question I’m asking myself right now. The Rays spectacular comeback and run to the playoffs and the Gators start of the SEC gauntlet makes for some fantastic television. I hope the results are the same for the Gators as they were for the Rays. However, Saban and Miles aren’t overrated choke artists like those chumps in Boston so the odds are a little longer. I can’t wait to have a drink or two in the Sunshine State with my Boubon Boys brethren and discuss these things as well as the fate of the international banking system.

Brew of the Week: New Belgium Hoptoberfest (I’m not a fan of the Oktoberfest style of beer but this is a little slice of heaven)

Malt Licker
I would like to extend a hearty congratulations to all the die-hard Rays fans for being able to enjoy an amazing September and an incredible Wednesday night. I guess baseball can be exciting sometimes. I would also like to thank the Rays for making my month. As a Yankees fan and avid Red Sox hater, watching this epic collapse has already made my sports year. Schadenfreude, thy name is Malt Licker. The Rays comeback has set the stage for one of the bigger sports weekends in Florida in recent memory, as they head to Texas for the ALDS, my beloved Bucs return to Monday Night Football, and of course, the Gators face the biggest test of the COACH BOOM era. I’ll be making the trek up I-75 to arrive in Gainesville early on Saturday to get ready for the 8 PM kickoff. I’ll do my best to avoid inappropriate references to tornadoes and other natural disasters. I’ll keep it classy and merely question the humanity of Nick Satan.

Cuzzin Bailey
As many of you know, I am a newlywed. What some of you may NOT know is that my BourbonGirl is in fact an Alabama fan. Last year, as I noted, many of my friends and family (including the Malt Licker) were invited to Tuscaloosa for the celebration of my birthday as well as an extremely awesome tailgating scenario with my in-laws before the UF/UA game. This year, there is less of an opportunity to reciprocate the favor but the drama surrounding the game is still present. I feel like it would only be fair for the Gators to come through and win this end of the home and home, but I doubt my mother-in-law would agree haha! I don’t have this game to write about this week, so I will just say its always nice to have a clash of the class of the SEC. This game is an example of what all the other teams in the conference wish they had. Nuff said. On a different note, a HUGE shout-out to the Tampa Bay Rays for completing the greatest September comeback in MLB history by overtaking the scumbag Red Sox and “devastating” Carl Crawford! He was honestly surprised by Rays fans heckling him in left field as the season went on…Dude, you were wearing the enemy’s uniform, whatta you expect? Anyways, Saturday marks the beginning of Hell Month for UF; playing 2 top 5 teams in consecutive weeks, then at Auburn, followed by UGA. Amazing. Anyways, for more on the Gators, the Rays, movies (Point Break) and life, follow me at www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

12:00pm

Mississippi State at Georgia (-7)
EGM
A few weeks ago the world was hot-to-trot for Miss State and I heard Danny Sheridan say that Dan Mullen was the genius behind the national titles at Florida. I disagreed with Danny the Vampire at the time because he neglected to mention Percy Harvin, Tim Tebow, and Urban Meyer but what disturbed me even more was the touting of Miss State as some kind of contender. Danny M’s spread has always struggled to move the ball against quality defenses and when Chris Relf is the pilot things don’t get any better. Auburn also showed that the Miss State defense isn’t quite that great either.

As for UGA, I really don’t know what to make of them. Richt has always loved to run the ball and resort to playaction passing. This gained him the reputation as an offensive genius when David Greene, DJ Shockley, and Matt Stafford were pulling the trigger. What you should notice about that list of QBs is that they were all regarded as good but never stepped up in a game that really mattered. Sure, UGA won the SEC once but that game did not have a lot riding on it. Regarding Aaron Murray and the current Dawgs, I feel like they are the same teams as Richt’s previous teams but with less 10 win seasons (probably because the SEC is better). All that said, I still like them to crush an insignificant Miss State team and start getting hype to win the East. Unfortunately for UGA, they still have to beat UF to win the East and we know that’s not happening.

Chris Relf 17
Aaron Murray 28

ML
Western Dawgs 19
Eastern Dawgs 28

CB
Miss State 16
Jawga 24

Kentucky at LSU (-30)
ML
Thank you Kentucky. You always manage to give a team a nice boost of confidence before a big game. Honestly, who is Kentucky recruiting on defense? I’ve never seen more side-to-side/reversing of field runs in my life. If I were LSU I’d just run reverses on every play. The thought of a guy or team switching sides of the field must never occur to UK. The Tigers rolled over the Mountaineers and into the top ranking. Of course, the last time LSU faced the Cats as the #1 team, they lost. However, that Kentucky team had a competent QB and their coach was not named Joker. Jordan Jefferson’s suspension was lifted this week, so the Cats best hope is that the Mad Hatter tries to incorporate this turnover machine into the offense.

The Jokes on Blue 6
Tigers rolling 40

CB
Kats 9
Tigres 42

EGM
Kats 0
Tigers 49

Texas A&M at Arkansas (+3)
ML
The Aggies “sort of” get an introduction to the SEC. I say sort of because the game is taking place on a neutral field, away from a campus, and at an NFL stadium. It is also being played against their former SWC brethren. They’ll get their first indoctrination when they go into Bryant-Denny, Jordan-Hare and The Swamp 3 times in 4 weeks. Both teams are coming off disappointing losses last week and licking their wounds. The Hawgs were hammered in Tuscaloosa, while the Aggies blew a big lead to OSU at home. This game seems like a coin flip to me, so I’m taking Petrino and the points.

Aggies 30
Hawgs 37

CB
SEC Bound 32
Leave the SEC 33

EGM
Aggies 21
Arky 20

12:30pm

Buffalo at Tennessee (-28)
EGM
I think we have reached that phase of the season when no one cares about UT anymore and they seem to have five “Buffalos” on their schedule. How they can manage to do this and still play eight conference games is miraculous and is probably worth an extra win.

Vols 41
Buffalo 10

ML
Buffalo Buffaloes 7
Tennessee Tennesseans 41

CB
Buffalo 6
Vuls 44

3:30pm

Auburn at South Carolina (-10)
CB
Well, its pretty clear what’s up with Auburn, they are exactly what we all suspected, they AIN’T NO GOOD! South Carolina is pretty decent but nothing special at all. In fact, judging by the games these two teams have played so far this year, I would expect this game to be about as sloppy as CuzzinBailey in New Orleans, night one of the Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger’s bachelor party. Auburn’s defense is surprisingly awful, and their offense is not that great without Cam Newton. South Carolina is making winning feel like a colonoscopy for their fans. I’m sure the Gamecocks will take this game, but I don’t like the spread with so many questions out there…

Aubarn 21
Cocks 28

EGM
Plainsmen 13
Cocks 24

ML
Plainsman 27
Cocksman 30

8:00pm

Alabama at Florida (+4)
EGM
Last year this game was hyped as a chance for the Gators to avenge their SEC Championship loss. However, anyone that watched the Gators in the first few weeks knew they were not the same caliber of team from previous years. John Brantley guiding the spread was a comedy of errors to say the least.

Many Tide fans likely see this Gator team as the same bumbling idiots with the only change being a new headcoach and an asshole OC. What they probably don’t realize is how much the change in offensive system and new found motivation has resulted in a vastly improved team. That said, the Gators still have a lot to prove, especially on offense.

The Bama defense is what it typically is: fast, disciplined, and reactive. Their offense is another story and its all because of one guy, AJ McCarron. I’ve seen him play in every game this year and I’m not impressed. Futhermore, he has yet to face obstacle like the Swamp and the Gator offense.

This game looks to take offense back 100 years. I’d love to pick my Gators but my gut tells me John Brantley doesn’t have it in him. I hope he proves otherwise.

Tide 13
Gators 10

ML
Tide 17
Gators 12

CB
Bama 20
Florida 21

9:15pm

Ole Miss at Fresno St (-3.5)
CB
While some of my in-laws are Bama fans, the rest support the Rebels. I really want them to do well for that fact, but look, that just ain’t happening. I’ll bet they are seriously regretting scheduling a game like this, huh? Travel out to California for a night game after a serious skid, in retrospect that seems exactly the opposite of what they would want. Look, I’ll be honest, I don’t know anything about Fresno State (other than that’s where Daniel Laruso moved from Jersey with his mom in Karate Kid), and their head coach looks like a dog. Ole Miss is underachieving again this year. This is probably the most frustrating team in the SEC that I don’t hate. (Tennessee and UGA are definitely 1A and 1B for all teams). They have had 2 coaches that have had quite a bit of success at other SEC schools in the past decade (Tuberville and now Nutt), but they just can’t get over that hump. You can always expect them to have at least 1 good win a year, but unfortunately this one ain’t it.

Ole Miss 20
Fresno-san 27

EGM
Black Bears 10
Fresno 20

ML
Dilfer U 34
Eli U 20

Vanderbilt – Bye Week – Really not worth saying anything here.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week IV

2011-09-23T14:46:00.003-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
Is it game week? I mean seriously, I haven’t heard one peep about the game. Albeit I have had other things on my mind, but it just doesn’t feel like a game week. This all could be solved if we were joining a good group of Gators who are actually making the trek to Lexington this weekend, but alas we are not. However, when those folks get there, they are in for a treat. Lexington is an awesome city located in a beautiful part of the Bluegrass State. Great folks, great nightlife and Commonwealth Stadium is a very nice SEC venue to check off your list. All that being said, like most Gators, all I think about when this game comes up is all the cheering that went on when Tebow went down back in 09. It wasn’t just the yokels at the game either. I think for about 15 minutes, Facebook got more action than a UK sorority girl at a bourbon drinking contest. Well we got through that, and we’re back for more. Wow, I am about as thrilled with this opening as I am about adding A&M and Mizzou to the SEC. Could we pick teams that were less “meh”? I doubt it. I actually wish we were getting FSU instead of either one of these teams. But we all know that the Florida State is a basketball school, so that will never happen. UGH, I hope the Gators are more psyched than I am this week…Anyways, as you could notice on your own, we are graced with the presence of our first Guest Bourbon Boy in a few years, the Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger will fill you all with his fresh POVs and hot knowledge! And as always, don’t be afraid to follow me on twitter, I guarantee a followback! www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

El Gran Mono
I’m sure all of readers can feel it…the world is back in proper alignment and yours truly has a two game lead in the picks. The SEC, on the other hand, will soon be out of alignment as teams start/continue to fall short of their expectations. Last week, Auburn followed Georgia along the path to the Liberty Bowl. Could South Carolina be next?

As for the most exciting game of the week, that honor falls on LSU-WVa. Has there ever been a bigger collection of BALs over 0.20 in the history of the world (excluding Tuesday nights in random Russian cities)? If Les Miles showed up in full battle armor I would not be surprised at all.

Brew of the week: Victory Pilsner (full flavored but still light)

Malt Licker
Did you hear that thud Saturday night? That was the sound of my handicapping skills crashing to earth. Maybe you shouldn’t just blindly follow your leaders. It’s something to think about. We learned a little bit more about our Gators. We know that Rainey and Demps need help or they will not make it through September. We know that we have no faith in the vertical passing game (Sound familiar). We know that our linebackers are really fast, but have terrible hands, and we learned that our young secondary can stay close to receivers, but sometimes a little too close. Fortunately, as the Zooker says, the defensive stuff is correctable. Unfortunately, Johnny B’s quarterbacking is not. It should not matter this week. Our Gators head to Lexington to take on a reeling Wildcats squad. A good chunk of the Bourbon Boys subscribers will be in attendance. Have a sip, or ten, of Four Roses for me!

Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger
Well here we are once again with a guest appearance by yours truly the Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger. I will apparently be covering the state of Mississippi for this week of college football for the Bourbon Boys. First of all would like to start by thanking CB, EGM, and ML for allowing the honor in participating in this week’s Bourbon Boys. Last week we saw that “being back” did not really apply to the Noles and I cannot help but hope it has something to do with the grotesque suck-fest that Gameday had on about Crapallahassee.

The Gators domination of the Tennessee Volunteers continues for the 7th year in a row. This is especially nice considering that Mrs. BHGB’s entire family graduated from Knoxville, so any victory versus the InVols is nice for bragging rights around the up-coming holidays. This week JB3 and the Chris “Time to Die” Rainey take their show on the road to Lexington to take on the Rambunctious Kitties.

As for my picks I have selected a beer for each of the teams and will be picking the team with the better beer to be the winner. So I will be upstaging El Gran Mono’s lame one beer pick and giving you 4. SUCK IT EGM. I was told to mention that I was stuck in traffic heading to Tampa to try and find some of the beers I had selected for this week. I drove over an hour an attempt to find the only beer brewed in Mississippi but fell as short as our good friend, @joemorganfan. I don’t think anyone has ever done this much prep work for Bourbon Boys. And be sure to follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/shartling27

Side note, UFC picks for this weekend Koshcheck over Hughes and the money maker of the weekend Rampage over Jones at +375

12:30pm
Georgia at Ole Miss (+9.5)
BHGB
The so far lackluster Dawg’s come into the city of “no selling cold beer” to face the R#bels, I am not sure if I can use the R word in a public forum. Mark Richt stays his execution with a win last week over the powerhouse known as Coastal Carolina and look for the Dawgs to continue by rolling over the Rebel$. This should and will be a high scoring game with very little to no defense being played on this day in the entire state of Mississippi.

My pick could have easy been swayed to the side of the Reb’s if Mrs. Cuzzin Bailey’s dad would have let us fire that cannon when we were in Oxford. It’s not like El Gran Mono and I have had any problems with explosives before, have we?

Terrapin Beer Company - Athens, GA - Hopsectioner - (7.3%) - golden crisp IPA that has the best label ever

Lazy Magnolia - Kiln, MS - Southern Pecan Nut Brown Ale - really smooth brown ale with a nutty taste with little after taste ....awesome

Pups - 35
Rebels - 21

CB
UGA 24
Ole Miss 17

EGM
UGA 41
Black Bears 9

ML
Jawja 30
Ole Piss 10

3:30pm

Arkansas at Alabama (-11.5)
EGM
This is certainly the best “all SEC” game of the week. Arkansas continues to be an offensive juggernaut despite the loss of their line sniffing, right-arm life support system (otherwise known as Ryan Mallet). However, Arkansas hasn’t played a team 1/10th as good as Bama. The Tide have not struggled but they certainly haven’t showed much offensive prowess. It’s really hard to tell how this game is going to break since either team has yet to be tested. When in doubt, I will go with Nick Saban and his minions (but not by 11.5).

Hogs 20
Bama 21

ML
‘Bama 24
‘kansas 14

BHGB
Tide31
Ark of the Kansas 17

CB
Arky 16
BAMA 33

FSU at Clemson (-2.5)
ML
The Noles are back baby!!! Back out of the top 10! At the risk of saying something positive, I was mildly impressed with their defense. They really had Bowden Field at Taxpayer-Subsidized Stadium rocking and rolling. The Nole$ are more banged up than the sisters of ∆∆∆, and may only have 4 scholarship WRs available. The big question mark is EJ Manuel, who impersonated Colt McCoy and Jay Cutler to sit out most of the second half against OU. Last week Clemzin rallied from a 14 point deficit to end Auburn’s winning streak and position themselves in the top 25. I expect this game to be nip and tuck, and it may depend on the skills of F$U’s latest, greatest, douchebag PK.

Clemzin 24
Criminoles 23

BHGB
Back at it 28
We love a rock 24

CB
Semino le is Creek for Runaway 23
More Tigers 24

EGM
Noles 24
Tigers 21

7:00pm

Florida at Kentucky (+19.5)
CB
Look, there are two ways of looking at this game. One way is that the Gators are unproven, we “barely” beat UT (by 10) at home and now without the hype this week, our young team will fall victim to the oldest trick in the book, underestimating your opponent and playing down to their level. That is the stupid way of looking at this game. Our players are young, and somewhat inexperienced when it comes to SEC road atmospheres, but this isn’t exactly like playing at Bryant-Denny at night (saw how that went last year). This is like playing the West Canaan Coyotes at night. If that were the case, I would see us absolutely hammering Jonny ‘Mox’ Moxon into the ground every chance we’d get. Lance Harbor would be happy he was pussin’ it up on the sidelines after he saw how mangled Mox’s face looked after the first half. As much of a free mind that Julie Harbor (Mox’s GF) has, it wouldn’t be enough for her to overlook how deformed Jonny looked after the game. Yea, its so bad, that Charlie Tweeder would have to start taking snaps. Even though he would fight Coach Kilmer’s demands to play hurt and not drug girls to fool around with them, Tweeder is just gonna go on being Tweeder. That’s gonna land him in jail someday. But back to reality, UF’s run defense is going to absolutely embarrass UK this weekend. Shutting down the run is going to be the key for UF’s defensive backs to regaining some of their confidence in the interception department. If they can hold on, look for the Gators secondary to more than double their INT total for the year, maintaining a stranglehold on defense and on this series. UF is favored by 19.5, that is tempting…

FLORIDA 34
Catzz 10

EGM
Gators 38
KY 7

ML
Gators 31
Kats 7

BHGB
Gators 35
Pussies 10

Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-16)
CB
Now this is tricky. Vanderbilt is off to its best start since winning its first 5 games in 2008, and South Carolina has absolutely looked beatable. Of course, when does USC(e) ever NOT look beatable? Even last year it wasn’t like they dominated EVERY conference opponent they faced. Hell, they lost 4 total SEC games! (it was a down year for the SEC East). Put is this way, last season, UK beat the Cocks by 3 at home but even a blind squirrel finds a nut. That win was sammiched in between FIVE losses for Kentucky. What it means is that if there’s one axiom in this division its that these teams have gone from knowing their place in the universe to being about as inconsistent as the pre-Mussolini railway system. I really doubt that Vandy “is back” or anything that absurd. If they had a gimmick like Navy has the option, I would like them to cover the 16, but just stock average offensive performances so far against over matched (or underprepared) teams doesn’t make me quiver in my boots. But screw it…go ‘Dores, lose by less than 16!

Nerds 17
Cocks 30

EGM
Dores 17
Cocks 24

ML
Vandy 17
SC 30

BHGB
Game mens-genitals 21
Dorkasaurus Rexs 17

Florida Atlantic at Auburn (OFF)
EGM
And the streak is over for the Plainsmen. I thought they had enough offense to overcome their dreadful defense but they proved me wrong last week. Good thing for them that FAU plays neither offense nor defense. The rest of Auburn’s schedule is brutal so they better enjoy themselves during this game.

Owls 10
Eagles 41

ML
Auburn 45
FAU 10

BHGB
Tigers / war eagles / plainsmen / assholes 57.5
In need of $ 2

CB
FAU 2
Aubarn 66

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State (-20)
BHGB
Welcome to Starkville, some place that has even more alcoholic laws then Oxford. I feel so bad for my new friends from Mississippi that like high octane beer, but some changes appear to be up and coming. But once again this is a game that will not represent a good example of SEC defensive football. Look for Danny Boy Mullen to show up with an offensive game plan that will show us something we have seen before and will certainly see again. I have great inside information on this one that the main stream media doesn’t have or know. If you can still get money on this one put at least 50% of your net worth on the Bulldogs to win this one. AS EGM says, this is Thor’s hammer lock. If you don’t win I will cover your losses.

Abita - Abita Springs, LA - Abbey Ale (8%) - a nice Dubbel that is rich amber color with a smooth hint of hops with a creamy finish

Laughing Dog Brewery - Ponderay, ID - Dozilla Black IPA (6.9%) - smooth IPA with a strong dark malt accent with a very little taste of hops until the end

Bulldogs by Dan Mullen - 42
Bulldogs by not Dan Mullen - 21

CB
La-Tek 6
Miss Stizzle 36

EGM
Techsters 10
Miss State 38

ML
MSU 40
La Tech 10

8:00pm

LSU at West Virginia (+5.5)
ML
I give kudos to the Mad Hatter and the Bayou Bengals for actually going on the road into a hostile environment for a non-conference game. The Couch Burners are enjoying their first year under new coach and offensive guru Dana Holgorsen. For an in-depth/nerdy look at what these two teams like to do, check out this article on Grantland.com. I cannot approach that type of analysis, so I’ll rip on each team’s fan base. I know WVU fans are exceptionally cocky for a team that has never won anything and plays in a second-class conference. I know LSU’s fans are scary. This clash of culture, especially with an 8pm kickoff, may lead to more fights per capita than any other matchup. No one will be able to understand what the other is saying, so everyone will assume (correctly) that every utterance is an insult. If we are lucky, the only conflagration will involve a few chaise lounges from IKEA.

LSU 27
WVU 13

BHGB
BAYOU rednecks 27
Mountain rednecks 24

CB
Geaux Tigres 27
Burn That Couch 20

EGM
Bayou Bengals 24
Mountaineers 17

Tennessee is off this week. Great way to go into a bye week: getting your stuff handed to you by your hated rival who is always much, much better than you and has won more lately.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week III - part 2

2011-09-16T15:20:00.003-05:00

El Gran Mono
HATE WEEK! Big games all around. Given my 7-1 record ATS last week, I’m rolling into the situation red hot. The Noles and Vols also claim to be hitting this week at their peak, but I doubt it. The Noles have been barking all week about how one year makes a difference and last year’s game was the result of being “unprepared.” However, the “lack of preparation” excuse seems to be at odds with the media’s obsession with Jimbo Fisher. The guy has lost a ton of games the last few years and we are suddenly supposed to believe they are new dynasty. I’m not buying it. Sure, Bobby Stoops hasn’t exactly been the best big game coach, but Ryan Broyles and Landry Jones are still on his team and they both torched the same FSU players last year. I’d say another Sooner blowout is all but a foregone conclusion.

Now for the games that really matter…

(Brew of the week: Two hearted ale. Truly a one of a kind taste. )

Malt Licker
12-2 against the spread thus far! Actually, make that 13-2. LSU just covered. If you have not been using my picks to make illegal wagers, I consider it an insult, nay an attack, and plan to commission my allies to start collecting names. Additionally, anyone who deigns to question or ignore my picks will be recorded on my new website www.slapinmaltlickersface.com. Bet on my picks! Don’t even think about it! Just bet! In fact, you should bet now even though you have not had the chance to read my picks. Just bet on them! Trust me! Also, I just heard about a great investment in mud energy, manufactured from the sediment that flows down the Mississippi River. It’s totally green and totally awesome. I promise you, no snail darters will be harmed. Invest in it!!!! Trust me!

Even though you all have had time to make your wagers, some of you wish to put partisan politics ahead of what’s good for your wallet and actually expect an explanation for the basis of my picks. Since, I am a Uniter, I will attempt to placate the rubes. There are three big games in the Sunshine State this week, the Parole Bowl, OU/FSU, and of course our Gators against the hated Vols. It should be an action packed Saturday. Don’t forget to follow me on twitter @joequizza

Cuzzin Bailey
As we sit here, I think its an appropriate time for us to reflect to our favorite UF/UT memories. Reflecting: Remember in 2000 when Jabar Gaffney “caught” that ball and we beat UT? Remember 4 years later when the ref forgot to start the clock and the Vuls had just enough time to kick a game winning FG? That was a total joke. How about happier moments…the 2006 Tebow 4th down run that saved our season; 2007 When we “blue” out UT; 2010 when I was keeping up with the game during a wedding ceremony! Anyways, Tennessee and the terrorists teamed up for a Gators loss in 2001 and that remains as the worst one I had to sit through b/c it was my last home game as a student. Weak sauce. Okay gotta end this on a happier note: picture it, 1995, Tennessee took the lead 30-14 into the locker-room and it poured at halftime after which Danny Wuerffel and the rest of the team proved that Gators really are amphibious. We scored 48 straight points in the rain to take and maintain the lead. It was also the game that I thought we had all witnessed someone die. Joey Kent was crushed by Lawrence Wright and fumbled on the play. It was so wonderful. I’m sure this kind of stream of consciousness ranting is exactly what some of you are looking for, and for more follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

Thursday, September 15, 2011

LSU at Mississippi State (+3.5)
CB
As this is only game in town, so to speak, we will just be posting this item for immediate consumption and repost the rest manana. So I just read on espn that the Bulldogs are leading the SEC in total offense through the first two games. 1) that makes me feel better knowing that Tennessee isn’t the best offense; 2) it shows how good Dan Mullen is, to be able to make a team like Miss St a force to be reckoned with; and 3) I never thought I’d see a MSU team play better offense than it did against the Gators in 2000 when Dicenzo Miller and Dontae Walker ran for probably 700 yards against UF. Look I was in the “LSU is screwed” camp at the beginning of the season with the suspension of Jefferson and that WR, but now its as though the Tigers are the real deal and possibly the most legit NC contender in the SEC. See what I’m doing now? If I compliment them, I am hoping to jinx their Cajun asses. Its called “faux-humility” just a theory that I developed in Auburn (2001 & 2006) after I observed the worst offenders. MSU messed up their season last weekend by running a 2010 Florida red zone gimmick at the end of the game against the faux humilitarians. I’m gonna steal this thought from something I saw on the internet, but to be honest, its not exactly groundbreaking information: if MSU wants to stop being the almost-was team in the West, they’d better get their act together, ring some freaking cowbells and beat LSU tonight!!! Meh, I just don’t see it happening…

Dirty Cajuns 30
Dirty Dawgs 24

EGM
Tigers 24
Dogs 10

ML
Tigers 31
Bulldogs 17

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Auburn at Clemson (-3.5)
ML
It’s the Mirror Image Bowl!!! I’ve heard that the Plainzmen and Clemzon patterned their campuses after each other, and Clemson is known as “Auburn with a Lake.” Both of them are named the Tigers. Both are public land-grant institutions. Both are named after the town in which they are located. Both cheat. Speaking of cheating, Auburn needed a Cam Newton-led comeback to erase a 17 point deficit in this matchup last year. The War Eagle looks ripe for a let down on the road after eking out close victories in their first two games. They’ve had trouble stopping the run, which appears to be Clemson’s strength on offense. However, mighty Wofford took Clemson to the brink last week, so it is highly possible they suck. This seems like a tight match-up, so I am going with the points, the SEC, and against a coach named Dabo.

War Eagle 30
Clemzzzon 21

CB
War Dumb Eagle 27
Clemzin Tigres 28

EGM
Plainsmen 31
Clemzon 30

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt (+1.5)
EGM
This game likely displays the two worst teams the SEC. Currently, the only thing worse than the shitty hair and dingy baseball caps of Reb mongoloids is the play of their football team. As an excuse for the bad play, Houston Nutt has claimed that he is recreating William Faulkner’s syntax in the form of a football team. Without a doubt, Vandy appreciates this blend of academia and athletics. However, that won’t stop them from handing Ole Miss the first of their eight SEC losses.

Rebs 6
Dores 13

ML
Ole Piss 24
Vanderdork 21

CB
Ole Miss 21
Nerd Alert 19

Coastal Carolina at Georgia (OFF)
CB
Look, everyone knows what a great guy Mark Richt is supposed to be, but how does one throw away such a great opportunities and still remain as head coach. I mean I get they don’t have the arrest record that UF has, but they also don’t have the championships or the Cocktail Party wins. Coastal Carolina is 2-0 and UGA is 0-2, and after this weekend those zeros will be replaced by ones. But that’s not why we’re here. Maybe its unfair to place all the blame on Richt, perhaps the moron in charge of scheduling should take some of the blame. Who on earth doesn’t believe that a team from the SEC with a decent preseason ranking can’t ascend to the pinnacle of college football without being as foolhardy as this and just play your normal schedule? Why add teams like Oklahoma State and Boise State to start your season off on the wrong foot? No one doubted UF when we played our stock schedule (with the addition of a down UM school) in ’08 and road it all the way to the BCS championship. Anyways, if UGA has yet another disappointing season, I think Mr. Nice Guy is on his way out.

CC 6
UGA 56

EGM
Chanticleers 3
UGA 61

ML
Roosters Actin’ like Dawgs 10
Georgia Dawgs 50

Tennessee at Florida (-9.5)
EGM
Both of these teams have rolled up two creampuffs and are now ready for the main course. This year, the Gators are featuring a pro style attack with Rainey and Demps as the centerpieces. Unfortunately for Gator fans, the man getting the ball to Rainey and Demps is still John Brantley. Things have been vanilla the first few weeks but JBIII still looks hesitant about every throw. Someone needs to tell this kid to grow a pair.
The Vols are quite the opposite. Their QB Tyler Bray has been ripping off 300 yard games ever since becoming the starter last year. Also, the Vols young WRs can make plays against anyone.
Easy Vol win? I think not. The Gator defense is loaded in the front seven and will pressure Bray throughout the day. The young Vol line will not be able stop the front four which will allow the young Gator secondary to mix up their coverages and not expose their young CBs. Also, much like last year, Johnny B should give the Gators enough on offense to win the game.
On a side note, my dog thinks Smokey is a pussy for wearing that gay orange faux blanket.

Vols 24
Gators 31

ML
Hate the Vols 20
Love the Gators, but don’t trust Brantley 24

CB
Tennessleezy 17
FLORIDA 24

Navy at South Carolina (-17)
CB
Normally I would, and possibly still will, err on the side of SEC speed, but there is something to be said for this Navy triple option. Personally I like my favorite team to run a pro-style offense, or the spread in certain circumstances, but when it comes to strictly entertainment purposes only, the triple option is quite enjoyable to watch. But how long before Navy must resort to passing too much and go completely away from their gameplan? Eh, call it the mid-day beer in me or whatever, but I’m gonna go out on a crazy limb today and call for the Midshipmen to cover this rather large spread. The Cocks will probably win, but I like Navy to put some points on the board and keep it marginally close…

Navy 25
Cocks 35

EGM
Middies 20
Cocks 34

ML
Midshipman 20
Gamecocks 31

Louisville at Kentucky (-6)
ML
It’s the battle for the Governer’s Cup!!! Chuck Strong v. the Joker!!! Shitty offense vs. Shittier defense! The Wildcats have eked out two victories against shite opponents, while the Cards dropped one to the mighty Panthers of FIU. This game will set football back 150 years, or, if you watch these teams regularly, look like nothing new.

Crappy Cards 17
Crappy Cats 25

CB
Louah-vuhl 20
Coach/Team Joke 23

EGM
Cards 10
Cats 20

North Texas at Alabama (-46)
EGM
If the entire Bama team catches a case of the “Mean Green” they might only be favored by three touchdowns.

Tejas Norte 0
Bamer 38

ML
Norte Tejas 3
‘Bama 50

CB
‘Dillos 3
Bama 55

Troy at Arkansas (-23)
ML
When thinking about picking against the spread, especially when it involves high double digits, always think of the coach for the big favorite. If he seems like a nice guy, it is probably best to take the points. However, if he seems like a colossal prick devoid of a soul, lay the points and go with the favorite. Especially if the soulless prick is an offensive guru. According to Petrino, Tyler Wilson was suffering “concussion-like symptoms” in last week’s game. Even with a punch drunk QB, the Hawgs ran up 373 passing yards last week, and their backup lit it up for more than 100r. They easily covered and will look to do the same at home against the Trojans, who were whipped at Clemson in week 1. If Clemson can beat the Trojans by 24, I have no doubt the Razorbacks will.

Trojans 13
Hawgs 48

CB
Troysians 6
Arky 40

EGM
Trojans 13
Arky 30

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week III

2011-09-15T16:45:00.002-05:00

Thursday, September 15, 2011

LSU at Mississippi State +3.5
CB
As this is only game in town, so to speak, we will just be posting this item for immediate consumption and repost the rest manana. So I just read on espn that the Bulldogs are leading the SEC in total offense through the first two games. 1) that makes me feel better knowing that Tennessee isn’t the best offense; 2) it shows how good Dan Mullen is, to be able to make a team like Miss St a force to be reckoned with; and 3) I never thought I’d see a MSU team play better offense than it did against the Gators in 2000 when Dicenzo Miller and Dontae Walker ran for probably 700 yards against UF. Look I was in the “LSU is screwed” camp at the beginning of the season with the suspension of Jefferson and that WR, but now its as though the Tigers are the real deal and possibly the most legit NC contender in the SEC. See what I’m doing now? If I compliment them, I am hoping to jinx their Cajun asses. Its called “faux-humility” just a theory that I developed in Auburn (2001 & 2006) after I observed the worst offenders. MSU messed up their season last weekend by running a 2010 Florida red zone scenario at the end of the game against the faux humilitarians. I’m gonna steal this thought from something I saw on the internet, but to be honest, its not exactly groundbreaking information: if MSU wants to stop being the almost-was team in the West, they’d better get their act together, ring some freaking cowbells and beat LSU tonight!!! Meh, I just don’t see it happening…

Dirty Cajuns 30
Dirty Dawgs 24

EGM
Tigers 24
Dogs 10

ML
Tigers 31
Bulldogs 17

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week II

2011-09-09T17:32:00.002-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
While I stare at my soon to be former and soon to be empty apartment in Jacksonville, I ponder a few memories. The 3 Florida/Georgia games (all UF wins!) I was able to attend and the great folks (including my now wife!) I could host those weekends, the awesome friends I made while in school, and total 180 the Florida football program has done in the past 3 years. I’ll be honest, I was pretty nervous before last week’s game because I had absolutely no idea how JBIII was going to react. I know it was a “warm-up” game, but how did last year’s go, huh? Not so well. That wasn’t all his fault, but it didn’t exactly set the stage for a team from which to expect great things. Last week, even thought I was 90% hammered from an all day drinking fest, I could sense the confidence in Brantley’s play. Even the interception(s) didn’t get him noticeable rattled. What more can you ask for when your team is pounding a weaker opponent. I didn’t take the time to bash Coach Schnellenberger last week as I was preparing for the Greek Orthodox version of my wedding, and was definitely side-tracked; but I will mention that he was such an asshole when he coached at Miami, (duh, right?) and any time you can beat his ass it’s a good feeling. This week the Gators take on the Blazers. I’ll be honest, I’m an educated man, but I’m afraid I can’t speak intelligently about a team that means so little. I did hear that our secondary is going to get tested (more so than last week anyways), so that will give us something to watch. Further, I am aware that they play at historic Legion field, which is the home of the 1993 Florida Gators first SEC Championship Game WIN, as well as, according to my mother-in-law, “The Kick” – Van Tiffin’s last second, 52 yard, game winning FG that beat the hated Auburn Tigers. I love sharing great SEC moments with her, just as long as they don’t involve our teams haha! Go Gators! Oh yea, one more thing before my shameless twitter plug, my good friend Green is taking his young son to his first college football game this weekend! Albeit it’s a Wake Forest game, but that still counts…sorta haha! And of course, you are allowed to follow me on twitter, you’ll thank me and then thank Malt Licker for being the motivating factor in my acceleration into the twitterverse: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

Malt Licker
Let me just say that I love Will Muschamp. I cannot think of a better response to the Shariff Floyd/NCAA business than his press release. How amazing will that be for recruiting? If any of our current players were not willing to run through a wall for him before, how about now? Coach BOOM’s debut seemed to go pretty well, and it looks like the defense will be flying around all year. I cannot wait until the preseason is over. You may also follow me on twitter @joequizza. Follow my picks and win big $$$$.

In other news, my home town lost an icon this week, the greatest Buccaneer of all time, and an even better person. If Tampa Bay were granted a seat in a Senate of the Universe, Lee Roy would be the only candidate. RIP #63, we will miss you.

El Gran Mono
It feels so good to be back in the saddle again. Week 1 is under the belt and I feel like I know everything I need to know. Massive conclusions can be drawn from elite schools with elite recruits against borderline D-IA creampuffs. Hyperbole aside, we did learn one thing. Mark Richt is a dead man walking. South Carolina is only the beginning of the long walk down the plank that is the 2011 UGA season.

As for teams with a future, it looks like the mighty Gators are a minor force to be reckoned with. They appear to be putting players in positions where they can succeed and playing young players without them having to spend three years pulling around a boat anchor to "prove themselves."

Last full week of too many creampuffs but at least SEC play is starting.

In honor of Mark Richt, the beer of the week is Rogue Dead Guy Ale. Not too heavy but quite tasty.

Central Michigan @ Kentucky (-11.5)
CB
This is one of those games that you look at and say, “how much did I have to drink when I selected this one?” Well unfortunately the answer is zero. I can’t remember why I thought this would be fun to write about, so I’ll make this quick. The Cats struggled mightily at home against the Hilltoppers of Western Kantuck-ee last weekend. UK’s QB, according to the stats, looks like shit and they totaled less than 200 yards of offense. Pathetic. Central Michigan beat South Carolina State last weekend with another unimpressive performance. Alls I know is that the Gators beat the Chippewas 82-6 in 1997. That was amazing. This game will be the cure for insomnia the scienticians have been looking for for hundreds of years.

Chips 9
Catz 21

ML
Chippewas 10
Where’s Randall Cobb? 20

EGM
CMich 10
KY 24

Miss State @ Auburn (+6.5)
EGM
From afar, these teams appear headed in different directions this season. This feeling is even more pronounced if you use the season openers to draw all of your conclusions.

However, it might be wise to take a step back and analyze a few things. First, the game is being played AT Auburn. Yeah, I understand a number of fans left the game early last week because they thought a loss was a foregone conclusion. But that doesn't change the fact that Jerden-Hare (sic) is a brutal place to play. Second, Miss State's offense is probably of a similar caliber to Utah State if not worse. I've seen Chris Relf steer a ship and I'm not ready for him to see me through Scylla and Charybdis just yet. Third, Auburn is very young and they will only get better throughout the season.

Despite these points, I still doubt that Plainsmen will win the game. But should they be giving 6.5 at home to marginally good team? I think not.

Dawgs 21
Tigers 20

CB
Starkville Sucks 27
The Maples Shout “Oppression!” While the Oaks Just Shake Their Head 24

ML
Snitching Bulldogs 16
Cheating Tigers 17

Alabama at Penn State (+10)
CB
Look, I’m gonna tell you what I told my wife and her mom, I completely respect SEC teams that schedule tough out of conference games early on, but I just don’t think I would want my team to do it. Maybe its cause we play FSU every year and it would be dumb to add another one, but also b/c a loss early coupled with an SEC loss could end your championship hopes very early. That being said, we’re talking about Ala-fucking-Bama and a PSU team that hasn’t been a real contender since the likes of Kerry “Vodka” Collins (believe it or not, he’s Irish). Look, I’m gonna be honest (again), I don’t know jack shit about the Nittany Lions, but I did see on the internets this site http://joepasdoghouse.com/?p=2462 which praised the ever living hell out of the Tide fans and Tuscaloosa and was almost pleading their fans to reciprocate. Well, if you’ve see the way they treat Ohio State fan’s you’ll understand. Either way, I’m calling for an SEC victory, shouldn’t be too hard to come by…

Tide 37
Nittany Lions 17

ML
Tide 31
Lions 10

EGM
Bama 20
Secondhand Lions 0

Cincinnati @ Tennessee (-5)
EGM
And here is Tennessee, much like Alabama, playing a non-creampuff in week two. They should be commended for this good behavior. I'd love to turn this into a rant against the 12th game (and the sudden "need" for 7 home games) but I'll save that for Twitter and the dark recesses of Irish pubs in the DC area.

As for the game, both teams look to be quite talented on the offensive side of the football and quite average defensively. However, average defensively in the Big East is quite different than average defensively in the SEC. You might think that I'm taking a trend to an extreme but I invite you to watch the 2009 Sugar Bowl. Even dumbass Dooley couldn't screw up the massive talent edge and homefield advantage.

Bearcats 20
Vols 35

CB
WKRP 16
Vuls 30

ML
Bearcatz 17
Vowwlz 24

South Carolina @ Georgia (+3)
ML
Game of the Week! There is a lot to talk about in this one. Mark pRicht is fighting for his life and already used up his manufactured intensity by borrowing Grambling’s uniforms against Boise. It really is do-or-die time for the pious one. If UGA can pull off the upset they’ll be in the driver’s seat in the East. I believe I touched on this last week, but it is my opinion that if you do not root against Georgia every week, you are insane. Who cares about Boise not playing a tough schedule? For me, SEC pride goes the way of the dodo when the black and red is on the field. Meanwhile, the drunkard from Jefferson High School saved the day against ECU, helping the Cocks “come from behind” for the high scoring victory. Will the Ol’ Ball Coach keep playing two QBs? It may not matter with Marcus Lattimore going against a depleted UGA linebacking corps.

Cock ‘n Gun 28
Dead Dogs 17

EGM
Cocks 31
UGA 24

CB
Cawks 27
Dawgs 23

Southern Illinois at Ole Miss (OFF)
EGM
Ole Miss did exactly what I expected last week. Run the football and keep the ball away from their atrocious QB situation. Unfortunately for the Rebs, a late fumble prevented their Wing T/Veer attack from notching a victory. Houston Nutt has reacted by taking water from the players during practice and decreasing their tobacco stipends. These tactics can only lead to a more impressive victory over the lowly Salukis.

Silky Dogs 6
Shitty Rebs 38

CB
Saluks 10
Hotty Toddy 30

ML
Salukis 3
Ole Piss 40

UAB @ Florida (-23)
ML
I loved seeing the pro-style attack and a semi-competent Johnny B, but I am worried about our ability to gain 2 yards when we need it in the SEC. I attended the game in person, so I feel like I didn’t get to see it as well as if I were watching it on the tube. No chance this week to watch the Sunshine replay either, so I am excited to sit down in front of a flat screen and analyze our D-Line. The real season starts next week!

Khaleesi’s offspring 3
GATORS 35

EGM
Blazers 3
Gators 49

CB
Blazahs 6
GATORS 44

New Mexico @ Arkansas (-36)
CB
Well, when I first chose this game to be one of my picks, I stupidly thought the Razorbacks were actually going TO New Mexico. I thought they were morons, but somehow I was outsmarted by folks from Arkansas. I feel like an idiot. In regards to the game, the Backs are going to throw all over the Lobos as they are now a one-trick-pony with Knile Davis out for the year. Either QB with any 2 of ArKansas’ stud WRs could destroy New Mexico.

Nice Original State Name 6
Ditto, Dummies 45

ML
UNM 10
Cover City 56

EGM
Lobos 7
Arky 60

UConn @ Vandy (-1.5)
ML
This would be a great women’s hoops game, well as great as watching women’s hoops can be. I imagine it will draw similar attendance. When you think about it, Huskies is a great nickname for a women’s hoops team.

HUSKIES 20
‘Dores 17

EGM
Huskies 21
Vandy 17

CB
UCawhn 23
Vandie 21

Northwestern State @ LSU (OFF)
CB
I just picked this game to offer an apology to the Tigers. I clearly underestimated LSU last week. I thought the loss of their starting quarterback would cause more of a problem. Why didn’t I just believe in the Hat and that hickass moron Jarrett Lee?? Oh well, even if this were regs Northwestern I’d still pick the Bayou Bengals to roll. This is a serious contender ladies and gentlemen.

NWS 3
LSU 50

ML
Demons! 6
Tigers 45

EGM
NSU 0
Tigers 58

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week I

2011-09-02T23:40:00.002-05:00

Malt Licker
We are on the eve of a new CBE, otherwise known as the Coach BOOM! Era. Much to El Gran Mono’s chagrin, the spread will be replaced with a pro-style attack authored by the fatman, Chas Weis. Our beloved Gators open up with the standard appetizer of creampuffs before facing a brutal stretch in October that will make or break the career of John Brantley III. Unless of course he shites the bed against FAU, UAB or UT, in which case our young team will get a lot younger. This seems like a particularly wide-open year, as each highly-ranked team seems to have some holes. Although it may just seem wide-open because I’ve spent less time following pre-season news than I ever have, and I am confusing the holes in my knowledge for holes in a particular team. Speaking of holes, it would be nice if our offensive line could open some up for our running backs. I do not like the idea of relying on Johnny B.

Cuzzin Bailey
Doesn’t it seem like the off season gets longer and longer each year? I swear I barely remember the Gators last season. Maybe that’s a good thing. Urban Meyer left UF the same way he came in…with a “meh.” It was like an Oreo, kinda plain on the outside with some seriously awesome filling. But the man that divided much of Gator Nation is now gone. No more fights between family members (mine) about the spread offense. No more debates as to whether or not that is a direction toward which we want our team headed. Coach “Boom” Muschamp has returned to his hometown to bring back a little offensive sanity. Perhaps an offense that doesn’t require an All-American, Heisman trophy winner, prodigal son type scenario to function properly, would be better suited for this team. I hate to make it sound like I’m selling out Coach Meyer, but I live by certain rules in my College Football life, and one of them is this: I’m a Gator fan above any player or coach. In other words, when folks leave UF for any reason, I wish them well, but I’m not going to buy their jersey or be happy when they coach a rival. I’m a Gator baby! I’m ready for Coach MusCHOMP to bring Gator football back to the glory we all know is possible. Also, I would be remiss not to mention that I have had quite a summer. Started out with graduating law school, studying like a chump for 10 weeks then taking the bar, and then something kinda important happened three weeks ago!!! Got hitched!!! Actually got married in SEC country, Oxford, MS. It’s a beautiful place for sure. Speaking of which, I would like to mention that I heard on The Herd that the Rebels are a lock this weekend!…Oh yea, as always be sure to follow all Bourbon Boys on twitter, especially www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

El Gran Mono
Last year was pretty strange for Gator fans because every game was a toss up (including the creampuff opener). With each game I found myself getting angrier about every little thing they were doing wrong and the waste of talent that was occurring. So when Mr. Mom Urban Meyer said he was hanging it up I couldn’t have been happier. Thanks for the titles but it takes passion to motivate the hearts of young men. As for Urb’s future, I doubt he ever coaches again.

That’s enough of last year, its now the era of Bourbon Boys LLP (3 JDs and counting, congrats CB), Coach Boom, and a dynastic run of titles by the SEC. At three in a row, there was a strut. At four in a row, there was a knowing smile. At five in row, you don’t even need to talk for the ladies to come home with you. And as we roll into the 2011 season, it appears the team sporting the strut, smile and prowess is Bama. Everyone loves their defense and Trent Richardson is an absolute beast. Perhaps the praise is worthy but I just don’t get hot and bothered thinking about their unproven quarterback.

The rest of the conference is a pretty unpredictable. LSU fans will point to their stud defense and high ranking but I will point to the presence of Jarrett Lee and JJeff. Arkansas has a bevy of wide receivers and running backs but can they play defense? Miss State looked tough last year but can they be consistent with a dude like Chris Relf at the helm? South Carolina ran the ball effectively last year and Stephen Garcia looked good at times but every game seemed like a miracle. UGA is incredibly talented at almost every position but do they have anyone they can actually count on? The Gators replaced their coaching staff with an all star cast of defensive and offensive gurus but they didn’t replace their players.

The rest of the teams are hardly worth mentioning and that includes the defending champion Plainsmen. And why is that you ask? Because of any of them could go 5-7 and no one reading this would be surprised.

I guess I should lay out some quick preseason predictions…NCAA Champ – Oklahoma, SEC Champ – Bama, East Champ – Florida, Player of the Year – Trent Richardson. Call me a homer, but then go put your money on South Carolina. You won’t feel good about that in two weeks.

And without further ado, I will unveil the new weekly feature of 2011…the brew of the week. And this week the winner goes to Full Sail IPA. Not as hoppy as some but the flavor is can’t miss. Also, our communist readers can sleep well knowing its employee owned. Fuck the bourgeoisie!

Also, congrats to CB for tying the knot a few weeks ago. It was an epic wedding for an epic couple. I will never forget rocking out to Bon Jovi with some modified slam dancing while CB led the chorus. Let’s continue the celebration with a great CFB season!

You can follow me on Saturday or any other day of the week on Twitter @elgranmono1865.

All predictions are for entertainment purposes only!

Utah State @ Auburn (-23), 12pm
CB
Its gonna be great to see Auburn struggle this year without laptop douchebag. That sure isn’t going to happen this weekend, but consider this: Utah St is only a 23 pt underdog AT an SEC stadium. That’s weak sauce. I hope Auburn’s program crumbles ala Miami. This weekend shouldn’t be a real contest and the fact that the Tigers do still have some amazing talent, I think this one isn’t close, but Auburn better watch out the rest of the season.

Utawr State 12
Aubarn 40

ML
Aggies? 13
RIP Toomer Trees 34

EGM
Other Aggies 17
Plainsmen 38

Kent State @ Alabama (-38), 12:20pm
ML
I’m sure we’ll hear too much about the tornados that swept through Tuscaloosa, enough to make me consider making insensitive remarks about exploding roofs and shattered lives, but I’m planning to take the high road. I’ll just say it’s too bad that Nick Saban’s home was not in the path.

Golden Flash 6
Crimson Tide 55

CB
Take a Shot! 3
Bama 49

EGM
Flashes 3
Bama 52

BYU @ Ole Miss (+3), 4:45pm
EGM
Ole Miss was a flaming bag of monkey shit last year. They started their shit spiral with a loss to an I-AA team and ended it with their second consecutive Egg Bowl loss. Houston Nutt will not stand for two seasons of that kind of failure and he has already used the word sati three times this week. BYU is unimpressed by Nutt’s antics because as Mormons they are constantly happy and have karma on their side. However, they do lack experience in Southern fried football with a side of desperation. I expect Nutt will run the football with his QB, RB, WR, and possibly even TE. The man knows how to run the ball and BYU will soon understand the concept of time of possession.

Happy 20
Desperate 21

ML
Mormons 20
Rebs 31

CB
BWhiteU 20
Ole Miss 21

Montana @ Tennessee (OFF), 6pm
EGM
UT has been one of the teams in the SEC that typically opens with a non-creampuff. Not the case this year. I figured Montana had a university but I was unaware they played football. I’m sure their payout is going to their massive forestry program or something of that ilk.

Go Griz 10
Go Vols 44

ML
Grizzlies!!! 6
Vols 50

CB
Tony Montana, Political Prisoner 4
Tennesseesucks 43

FAU @ Florida (OFF), 7pm
CB
Its ABOUT TIME! I have no idea how many games I’m gonna make it to this year, but its going to be an exciting fall, that’s for certain. Games like UT, Bama, FSU all home, with LSU, Auburn, UGA and South Carolina all away from the Swamp. I really have no clue how this is gonna work out and I figured yall are just like me, wait til after this game. I mean after 10 snaps sailed over Johnny’s head last year, did anyone immediately make reservations for Arizona? Uh No. So while its not exactly like we’re worried about the outcome, I can’t freaking wait to see what we are made of off the practice field. I like the tools we have (senior QB, older players, and the coaches) it all comes down to how we use em. I like the Gators big, haha, obviously! GO GATORS!

Screw Coach Schnell 13
Go Coach BOOM! 45

ML
Schnellen-Owls 7
BOOM! 38

EGM
Owls 3
BOOM! 45

East Carolina @ South Carolina (-20.5), 7pm
ML
How can a team with a drunk at QB be considered the favorite to win the East? Easy, the rest of the division is in shambles. The Ol’ Ball Coach has brought in some amazing playmakers in Lattimore and Jefferey, and Errict Rhett and Fred Taylor will tell you that he knows how to ride a tailback. The Pride of Tampa, Stephen Garcia, was suspended after an allegedly “alcohol-fueled” incident at a “life-skills” seminar. If you are going to have an incident, I generally find it is best if it is “alcohol-fueled.” There is not much to say about this game other than that I could replace Stephen, be alcohol-fueled, and hand the ball off to Lattimore 40 times and lead the Cocks to victory.

Pirates 13
Roosters 31

CB
ECU 14
USCe 36

EGM
Pirates 6
Cocks 31

Missouri State @ Arkansas (OFF), 7pm
EGM
Its highly possible that Missouri State will take a bus to this game (not from the airport). Its also highly possible that Missouri State will take a bus to every game (not from the airport).

Bears 10
Arky 58

ML
Bears 6
Hawgs 66

CB
Mizzou St 12
Arkansas 35

Elon @ Vanderbilt (OFF), 7:30pm
EGM
I’m betting there are at least five asshole professors at Vanderbilt that were offended by Elon’s former nickname. The world would probably be a better place if those five people simultaneously combusted.

Formerly Fighting Christians 5
Vandy 32

ML
Slaughtered Christians 2
Vander-dork 48

CB
God’s On Our Side 6
Books On Our Side 48

Boise State v. Georgia (+3.5), @ Atlanta, GA, 8pm
CB
First of all, I am seriously torn in this game as a fan. First of all, I would love for Boise State to lose their first game thereby ending the Broncos talk for the season, but I also have to balance my hatred for the Bulldogs. I think that’s because it will make us look better when we beat UGA later on, its a must that I root for the dawgs. Aaron Murray needs to find a number 1 receiver and if they can settle on a starting RB they should be set for a great season at second in the East.

Boise STATE 20
UGA 21

ML
Broncs 34
Dawgs 27

EGM
Boise 17
UGA 21

Oregon v. LSU (+3.5), @Arlingotn, TX, 8pm
ML
Les’ boys will be without three starters on offense, the good news is one of them is the overrated and underachieving Jordan Jefferson, as the Tigers look to improve to 29-1 in nonconference games under Coach Miles. Can Jarrett Lee’s moxie quotient keep up with LaMichael James and the rest of LaDucks. The last time the high powered Ducks faced an SEC defense, they were held to less than 20 in the title game. I see Lee furnishing 3 scoring drives and the Tiger D-Line setting another one up to help the Tigers start 1-0.

Team Moxie 24
Team Nike 20

CB
Frank Ducks 24
Kumete Tigers 17

EGM
Ducks 23
Tigers 31

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK XIII

2010-11-25T07:30:00.002-06:00

Special Thanksgiving Week Edition!

Malt Licker
Rivalry Week!!! It’s the Iron Bowl! The Egg Bowl! Florida v. F$U! Clemson v. South Carolina! North Korea v. South Korea! Turkey v. Ham! Natalee Holloway v. Chandra Levy!

The Gators proved me wrong and beat up on Appy State to guarantee a winning season. WHOO HOO. Did you know App State actually took down the goalposts in their stadium with the expectation that their students would tear them down in the event of a win against the Gators? I’m certain that this is the only reason they lost. It had nothing to do with Johnny “I play like I just ate a huge plate of Turkey” Brantley. In fairness, Ahmad Black is such a badass he may have been able to beat App State by himself. After a bit of a snoozer this week (Mad Hatter excluded) there are a ton of interesting games this week. My Broncos from Boise face their last test before the BCS Title game, and the Tide look to end Auburn’s national title hopes before the NCAA does so retroactively.

Last week was a pretty boring week of football but this week should cure it. Tons of rivalry games and four days of football. And most importantly, no D-IAA teams. Enjoy the turkey and football.

Cuzzin Bailey
Its “hate week” all across the Country, and all throughout the SEC, with the obvious exception of Vanderbilt; and for 83.3333333333333% of the league these are the most important games of the year!! South Carolina, taking advantage of a clear down year in the SEC EAST (see what I did there, that’s called a “back-handed compliment”) plays Clemson in a pretty meaningless game to the Cocks. Auburn’s game against Bama is their most important one so far, however if they win there will be two more games in their future that’ll mean more. Speaking of Auburn my esteemed colleague, The Malt Licker, addressed their issues so well last week that there’s no point in rehashing all the details, but I just have one thing to add personally: If Newton isn’t as stupid as he is purporting himself to be, then I hope he gets whatever he has coming. He has played dumb this whole time and if comes out that he was behind or a part of this scheme from the get go, I hope he gets the serious Reggie Bush treatment (you know, making millions, shitting on his alma mater, banging a Kardashian). Either way, he HAS to be gone to the NFL, right? When the Gators face these Tigers on the road next year, we’re gonna need any advantage we can get. Anyways, as its Thanksgiving week, I just wanted to say that I have so much to be thankful for, great fiancée, great family, great friends! You can hear all about it and other insanity on Twittah at: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey

El Gran Mono

Friday, November 26, 2010

2:30pm
ML
Auburn at Alabama (-4)

Since Auburn has already clinched the division, this game is bigger nationally than it is in the SEC. Although natives to the Heart of Dixie would argue that this is the biggest game in the history of the universe, every year. Last year, these teams were in each others’ positions, with Auburn looking to shatter the dreams of the Crimson Tide. The roles are reversed this year. As I think about this game, I believe it will boil down to which squad’s defense is less sieve-ish. Both teams have been able to move the ball, but have had serious difficulty stopping people. I think this is a coin flip, but something in my stomach says Auburn’s defense will force a key late turnover to pull it out in a classic.

Auburn 34
Alabama 31

CB
Awbarn 21
Bama 24

EGM
Plainsmen 31
Tide 28

Saturday, November 27, 2010

12:21pm
ML
Kentucky at Tennessee (-3)

ZZZZZZZZZ…the Battle for the Beer Barrel could not have me less excited. The Vols have won 3 in a row this season, and 25 straight against the Cats. I don’t expect much defense and predict this game goes into at least 3 overtimes. Do you think John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins were upset when they found out they took a pay cut to go pro?

Cats 54
Vols 52

CB
Kensucky 20
Vuls 25

EGM
Wildcats 22
Vols 24

3:30pm
EGM
LSU at Arkansas (-4)
This could be the best game of the weekend. Arky’s high powered offense and LSU’s stud defense. Quietly, Ryan Mallett and Co have been putting up huge numbers and blowing teams out. It’s a possibility that they might be a BCS team if Aubie blows a few games down the stretch. As for LSU, they have BCS dreams as well and they don’t even require Auburn to lose. Petrino v Miles has a Pinky and the Brain feel to it. I’ll take Pinky.

Tigers 28
Hawgs 24

ML
Mad Hatter 31
Petrino 28

CB
Bayou Bengals 31
Arky 30

CB
Florida at Florida State (-2.5)

The epitome of Hate. My sweet little aunt told me today that if she hates one college team it is definitely Florida State. How about this: the new neighbors at my parent’s place were outside their house talking with family; as I walked out to make a phone call (I was wearing a Gators shirt), the wife yells out, “GO NOLES!” I hate this woman and will purposefully put little to no booze in their drinks tomorrow. She’s raising a real brood of future FScUm. Anyways, the Gators have had trouble stopping the run, esp with a mobile quarterback. That is basically what the Noles assert to be their bread and butter. Christian P is a marginal QB at best, but everyone coming out of Talla-CRAPPY was saying he was a heistman candidate at the beginning of the year. They were dead wrong. He has struggled mightily and their secondary reminds me of the Lost Boys…not the scary vampires led by Kiefer “Jack Bauer” Sutherland, but the wimpy followers of that pederast Peter Pan: they refuse to grow up. They have been described as “youth” for 4 years at least and they are still susceptible to a nice passing attack. Fortunately for them, so far our coaching staff has refused to acknowledge that Johnny B may not be the best option at QB. Will Urban and crew build off that dominating performance against the best team in the FCS, utilizing 3 kids taking snaps or will they “panic” again and go back to our terrible basics? I say with nothing left to lose, the pressure squarely on the Noles, the Gators open up the crazy playbook and make it apparent that if the Slimeballs from that school to the NW don’t beat us this year, it could be 5 years til they get another shot. I’m going all heart here…

FLORIDA! 24
Satan’s Minions 17

EGM
Semis 21
Gators 20

ML
UF = no offensive identity 7
F$U = some offensive identity 23

7:00pm
EGM
South Carolina at Clemson (+3)
For some reason Clemson always seems to win this game no matter the skill level of their team. This year, the Cocks are clearly superior but I just have a feeling that Clemson will start this game with a 14-0 lead. Dabo Swinney is a clown of epic proportions but perhaps you need a rally clown for rivalry games. Spur-dog will likely try to ride Lattimore to W but Clemson will force him to rely on Garcia. I don’t think the drunk QB will have what it takes in Death Valley.

Clemson 24
Cocks 21

ML
Cocks 20
Tigers 21

CB
Screw his New School 28
Clemson 27

ML
Mississippi State at Ole Miss (+2.5)

I love the Egg Bowl! The only thing that would make this cooler is a blizzard in Oxford Saturday night. These two teams each lost heartbreakers to favored opponents last week. If MSU wants to stake its claim as a “program on the rise”, they need to take care of business in Oxford. Masoli and the Rebs looked good against the Mad Hatter, but the cosmic forces surrounding the Mad Hatter guarantee that any SEC game he’s involved with will go down to the wire. It has nothing to do with how the other team plays or how talented they are. See LSU/Florida, LSU/Tennessee. I guarantee CB picks Ole Miss.

Bulldogs 24
Turkey Bears 20

CB
State 17
Ole Miss 18

EGM
Tattletales 24
Rebs 21

7:30pm
CB
Wake Forest at Vanderbilt (-5)

I have a good friend who went to Wake, but I doubt he’s gonna read this so I am just gonna take the gloves off. WHO CARES ABOUT THIS GAME! I cannot believe that Vandie is favored against anyone and if I were a Demon Deacon’s fan I would hang my head in shame for this fact alone. Nerd Bowl XIII shows Vandee with a slight 7-5 record against WF but with the Deac’s winning the last 2 in 07 and 08. Sure these teams are miles apart from where they were, but just cause Wake is down doesn’t mean that is gonna open the door for a Commodores breakthrough. I suspect this game won’t be settled until each team scores in the 20s, and watch for the winner to score late sending the ‘Dores faithful back to the library unconcerned about another loss.

Wake Skanks 31
Van Derbilt 23

EGM
Wake 14
Vandy 17

ML
ACC Nerds 13
SEC Dorks 20

7:45pm
CB
Georgia Tech at Georgia (-13)

Just looking up the history of the “Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate” and man, that is some legit hatred. I mean they have been pissed off at each other since the turn of the century (the OLD century). The only hiccups in the scheduling ended after 1925, but occurred after Tech winning streaks. Gee, I wonder which team decided “it wasn’t necessary to field a team?” It certainly appears that if the Jackets rattle off a few wins in a row, UGA will go running with its tail between its legs and determine that it isn’t important to keep this tradition alive. I mean how awful would it be if they couldn’t beat TWO of their hated rivals?!!! HAHA that would be glorious! Anyways, Georgia has certainly struggled this year, but I think its pretty clear they are not awful, and that could spell destruction for Tech. I know I hate them, but I can’t be blinded by it, especially for a game I have no feelings for. I look for the Bulldogs to win convincingly, but I think the Ramblin’ Wreck keep it close for a while.

Tech 17
Jawga 32

EGM
Tech 14
Dawgs 31

ML
Wreck 10
Dawgs 20

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK XII

2010-11-18T12:33:00.009-06:00

El Gran Mono
Last week was certainly a great week of football if you’re an Auburn or South Carolina fan. Unfortunately, I’m neither of those things so I’m down in the dumps trying to figure out what the NBA schedule is this Friday.

Malt Licker
Now that the Gator season is in shambles, thanks in no small part to Addazio, Mr. Mom Meyer and Johnny Brantley (nice catch dude), I’ve turned my attention to the soap opera coming out of the Plains in Alabama. This story has everything. Scumbag Supreme Bobby Lowder, the Victoryland Racino, tremendous luck by Auburn players at said Racino, Great Southern Wood, misappropriation of TARP funds, federal indictments, a crooked preacher (Cam’s Dad), the best player in the country and Joe Schad’s receding hairline. What more could you ask for? Oh yea, how bout we not lose at home to our former coach while registering 67 yards through three quarters? How bout no more swing passes when the entire defense is within 10 yards of the line of scrimmage? How bout blocking someone? Can we consider benching defensive ends that bring less pressure from the outside than Betty White and a quarterback with less pocket presence than a piece of lent? As for Mr. Mom Meyer, maybe your family should be satisfied with the $4 million daddy brings home and you should spend all your time making sure the product on the field warrants that salary.

Cuzzin Bailey
Okay this is the first time in I think forever, I had a personal attendance LOSING record. But that’s what we got here. I made an impromptu trip to Gainesville last Saturday and now I have seen ONE win and THREE losses this season. Pathetic. And to top off a great weekend, on Monday the media ran with a story that stated that Steve Adazzio was definitely coming back next season. Here’s the rub: at the press conference, Meyer was asked if Adazz would be fired, he said, “no I don’t think so.” Does that sound like a rousing endorsement to you???? I hate sports reporters sometimes, but then again I’m addicted to twitter, so there’s really nothing I can do about this. Speaking of Twitter, I past my thousandth Tweet early this week. Can you believe you have already missed 1000 examples of my awesomeness? Its not too late. Really ain’t too many exciting games this weekend with all the bigtime rivalries next weekend. In regards to the Gators, while I am terribly disappointed by the outcome last weekend and hell, the entire season, I am hopeful that our headcoach, who has won 2 National Titles and 2 SEC championships is fully capable of righting this ship. It looks dark, but it would be foolish for anyone to call for Meyer to be fired. And one more thing, anyone who was “HAPPY” when Spurrier beat us last weekend should take all of his Gator gear, put in a box and send it off to someone who isn’t a total sellout. If you do this I will personally send you a Gamecock hat, and staple it to your Benedict Arnold head. Spurrier is NOT your friend if you are a Gator. He did some wonderful things at UF and then left us high and dry, and THEN became a coach at a division RIVAL. Not saying I wish he had never coached the Gators, but that he sure is acting like it meant nothing to him. To everyone who said, “CuzzinBailey, you’re over reacting. He’s going to USC, he’ll never challenge us for the SEC East,” well I have a word for you, and it ain’t pretty. Hey if you want some exciting not-so-breaking news, follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey It’ll change your life.

Bye Week: Auburn; Georgia; Kentucky

Thursday

7:30pm

CB
Georgia State at Alabama (NL)

Well with Auburn beating regular Georgia last weekend, the West was locked up too. Devastating perhaps to the Tide as an Iron Bowl win won’t mean as much as it could have meant. That isn’t to say Bama would LOVE to ruin an otherwise perfect season for the Tigers. Georgia State plays teams I swear I have never heard of and a few that surprised me that they have football teams. GSU lost to Old Dominion. That should say it all here kids. The Tide could struggle all day long but that isn’t going to change anything. Crimson Tide roll in this one, playing mostly backups and to tune up for their chances to send Cam Newton to the NFL with no Heisman and no chance at a National Title. Nope, all that kid’s gonna carry with him, other than a humongous amount of baggage, is an SEC title ring that will be taken away almost as quickly as it was won.

Jawja State 3
Bama 63

EGM
Who really cares?

ML
Bill Curry U 0
Bama 99

Saturday

12:21pm

ML
Troy at South Carolina (-23)

It’s weird. I don’t feel anger toward the ol’ ball coach, but at the same time I didn’t feel a tinge of joy or happiness that he won the East. Let’s be honest, it is highly unlikely the rest of the East will be this down again, so if SC were ever going to win the division it had to be this year. Unless of course the Gators decide to bring back Addazio and double down on the spread with John Brantley, then they just have to worry about Georgia. I fully expect Troy to cover this week. After all, SC will have a bit of a hangover and last time I heard Troy doesn’t have a Pop Warner offense.

Trojans 17
Cocks 30

CB
Troy 16
Cocks 27

EGM
Trojans 13
Cocks 31

12:30pm

EGM
Appalachian State at Florida (NL)

What a pathetic showing for the Gators on Saturday night. They looked thoroughly unprepared and unmotivated. I can’t blame things like that on the coach, right? I mean gameplanning, adapting to personnel issues, putting players in the right situations are not things coaches should really do, right? The job of coach is to find a system, put the system into place, hope the players are suited for the system, and sit back and watch the results. If the results are not good, double down on the system and start splitting fours (i.e. run the same plays only faster). Urban Meyer had the dumbfounded gaze of Ron Zook on Saturday night. The only different thing is that Zook’s teams scored points while he maintained this posture. I’m sure the stalwart spread offense defender would immediately ask me if I liked Zook more. Of course I don’t, I’m merely saying the Meyer looks like Cougar from Top Gun after the run in with the MIG. He might even have a picture of his kids in his pocket that he looks at during games. Its time for the bald, shittalking Captain of the ship to give Coug a good talking to. Meyer makes huge dollars, there is no excuse for this type of failure. I know I’m supposed to “give him a break” because of the national titles but he’s not the same coach that won those titles. In the early years he adapted and did what it takes. Now, he merely looks Addazio in the eye and says “it worked in practice, right?”

I understand I’m that guy now. The overreacting, bad fan. I don’t care. I love winning. If I failed like Meyer this year in my own career, I would be fired. I apply the same standard.

The offense is just pathetic. There is no way to describe how bad it is. Its not just a personnel issue.

The defense is sloppy and prone to giving up huge plays due to a Joe Lee Dunn style of blitzing.

That’s the 2010 Florida Gators. Don’t expect changes either. After all, it’s all about the system. Hopefully, someday is about winning again.

Mountaineers 500
Gators 0

ML
Appy State 12
Swing Pass U 2

CB
Appy 6
FLORIDA 34

3:30pm

CB
Ole Miss at LSU (-16)

Its funny, every once in a while this rivalry actually lives up to its potential. Every so often these teams put on a show that would make Billy Cannon stand up and cheer, the kind that would make Archie Manning opt for another face lift! Unfortunately this year, the Ole Miss winning streak over the Bayou Bengals will end in a big way. Its pretty clear that Les “Guess” Miles has proven that he isn’t the total hack we all thought he was with some bigtime wins this season. This can result in 1 of 2 things. Perhaps LSU, knowing now that their shot at the SEC title is officially kaput, will just mail this game in knowing its pretty much a lock while they think ahead towards Arkansas, or 2) LSU will roll the Rebels because that is what all the experts are saying. I hate to say this, but I think the latter is most likely to occur. I really dislike the Tigers, but they are the better team. If this were at night I would call for a record number of murders in Baton Rouge. Thankfully, it’s a day game.

Rebs 10
Tigs 25

EGM
Black Bears 13
Tigers 16

ML
Stuffed Bears 10
Drunk Tigers 34

7:00pm

ML
Arkansas at Mississippi State (+3)

I actually had to look up whether these two teams won or lost last week. It goes to show you how “checked-out” I’ve been since the worst performance by a Gator team in 20+ years. Arkansas predictably whipped up on UTEP, and their quarterback almost threw for as many TDs as the Gators have all year. I wonder how many swing passes Petrino called. Meanwhile, the Western Dawgs fell to ‘Bama, but look like a paragon of virtue if you believe the details of Cam-Gate. I actually blame the Gators for MSU’s loss. Bear with me. Since UF was the last “high profile” opponent before the Bama game, I think their DC was under the misapprehension that it was against the rules to throw the ball more than 6 yards down the field. How else can you explain 45 and 78 yard TD passes allowed? I think the Bulldogs will adjust, and play a soft zone against Mallett and try to force FGs. It will work, for a while…

Aerial Arky 29
Ground Dogs 20

CB
Ark 27
Miss St 26

EGM
Arky 31
Miss State 17

EGM
Tennessee at Vanderbilt (+9.5)

I could really care less about both of these teams. Tennessee has a few good players. Vandy has zero good players and a fat coach. I guess that’s worth about nine and half points.

Vols 21
Vandy 13

ML
UT 30
VU 10

CB
UT 38
Vandie 10

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK XI

2010-11-12T14:10:00.002-06:00

Cuzzin Bailey
To start off I want to say, Happy Birthday to my Sister!! As long as everyone in St Pete keeps referring to you as “(Cuzzin Bailey’s) younger sister,” I’ll go along with it! Also, I had an amazing time with my fiancé last weekend in Oxford, MS. From the company to the food to the entertainment, everything was perfect. Its always fun to go to another SEC game when the Gator aren’t playing. Sure I was going for the home team, but it wasn’t stressful at all, and let’s be honest, being able to have your own bottle of Beam and not have to worry about getting pinched is a big deal. So back to the present; after a thorough drubbing of the Commodores last weekend, the winner of the USC/UF game is poised to be the first 3 (SEC game) loss participant since the 2002 Arkansas team that lost to UGA (who was kept out of a National Championship appearance thanks to the Zook led Gators!!!) Anyways, I just found out yesterday morning that I have a ticket for the game so I will be participating in the “Blue-Out!” Hell, I know its cheesy, but I like Meyer’s moxie. He doesn’t care that this will be described by some haters as “Fake Juice,” he is using it as a rallying cry and I hope everyone in the Swamp rings the bell. Anyways, I was just thinking about this looking at my slate today: a little heads up to the two ways I can write about a game. If its full of fun and jokes and sarcasm, I’m having fun and put a lot of time into it; if all you see are stats, no exclamation points, and straight down-to-business picking, not only do I not care about the game, but I know very little about one or both of the opponents and consider the task to be wasting my time!!! Enjoy, but honestly, how can you NOT after all that…if you want to be part of the CuzzinBailey Army follow my lead/link: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey

El Gran Mono
After a fairly calm weekend, we now move to Division Championship Week. I have yet to see any simpleton names put forward by ESPN’s gang of ad men. I guess they are too busy focusing on Boise State and unsubstantiated rumors concerning Cam Newton. The lawyer in me says this guy is receiving some unjust criticism considering the basis of everything is “unnamed sources”. However, things are starting to pile up and my asshole detector is registering some high readings. I can’t wait to watch the Gator game solo at a bar in Manhattan, if you are in NYC, send me a tweet @elgranmono1865. I might just buy you a Clausthaler...or a Brooklyn Lager if you are lucky.

Malt Licker
What a weird season…after a dreadful October our beloved Gators find themselves facing Spurdog, the architect of our emergence as a dominant program, for a chance to win another Eastern division crown and the right to get spanked by the western champ in Atlanta. Has there ever been this much of a disparity between East and West? Whoever wins in the Swamp tomorrow would probably be fighting with Ole Miss to stay out of the cellar in the West. Since starting out 18-16, I’ve correctly picked 85% of my games (trust me) so you should liquidate all assets and make wagers based on the following prognostications. Also, I’ll be rendezvousing with Cuzzin’ Bailey at the Salty Dog Saloon, where I am always receptive to my fans buying me drinks. It’s the least you can do.

12:00pm

CB
Ole Miss at Tennessee (-2)
So after watching the Rebel Bears struggle a bit with Louisiana-Lafayette last weekend, I am weary of picking them. But then again, Tennessee basically has to win out at this late in the season to become bowl eligible. Just a few thoughts that entered my skull last weekend in Oxford: The Grove is (aside from Florida/Jax) the best tailgating I have seen in the conference. I can’t fairly compare it to UF since I am so biased but, here’s the rundown, Grove: tons of tents, mostly catered, lots of flat-screens, beautiful southern people, just a happy fun time; Knoxville, a dump, mean angry people, blindingly gut-wrenching Orange that looks like an unripe naranja. (Sorry, just didn’t feel like typing orange twice in one sentence). ANYWAYS, in regards to the game, you got a not great Ole Miss defense against a rookie QB that tore up Memphis state last weekend; and in the other corner we have the Rebel Bears who have the ability to score and that will be important since UT almost lost to UAB earlier in the season. I like a marginally high-scoring affair (say in the 30s), and we may get blessed with some more Overtime…

Reb-Bears 32
Vuls 31

EGM
Black Bears 28
Vols 24

ML
Smokey the Bear 24
Smokey Mountain U 20

12:21pm

EGM
Vanderbilt at Kentucky (-14)
This game is typically the punchline of a joke and this year is no exception. Vanderbilt has one of the worst offenses in the country. Cuz has a rocket arm compared to their QB and I’m pretty sure the Licker has better moves than their tailback. Also, their coach is fat. As for Kentucky, its pretty clear that Bluegrass country has already moved in to basketball season. The boosters are filling the hoops players with cash and the football team has nothing but jealousy in their eyes. In spite of this, the game sets up pretty well for the Wildcats because their offense isn’t half bad and Vandy’s defense is bad on the road. Fourteen points seems like a lot, but I like the Cats big.

Fat Coach 10
Randall Cobb 28

ML
VanderSuck 12
Kats 31

CB
Nerds 13
Kats 34

3:30pm

EGM
Georgia at Auburn (-8.5)
East Georgia v. West Georgia. The haves v. the have nots. The balding, has been coach v. the thick haired, rockstar coach.

Auburn clearly looks like a team of destiny at this point and I’m sure some people are wondering why that line is so low given UGA’s record. Well, I was actually thinking it was too HIGH. The Dawgs have been the victim of a brutal schedule and some close losses. They can move the ball on offense and Auburn’s defense is fairly porous. However, after being shredded by Johnny Brantley and Co., UGA doesn’t stand a chance of stopping Cthulhu Cam Newton. This game might resemble that Arkansas-Auburn game of several weeks ago. The result should also be the same.

Dawgs 31
Tigers 35

ML
UGA 20
Cam U 27

CB
Dawgs 23
PlainsEagles 30

7:00pm

CB
UTEP at Arkansas (-28)
Sports, football, blah blah. This is a prime example of a game I could care less about. Alls I know here is that Arkansas beat up on the first place team in the SEC EAST last weekend; and UTEP just ended a 3 game losing streak. God I can’t even concentrate on this. Look, the 3 teams UTEP most recently lost to have a combined record of 9 and 19. The Miners are gonna get left in the mine with no oxygen…ugh, that didn’t feel right when I typed it. I’m sorry

Miners 3
Hawgs 40

EGM
Miners 10
Arky 41

ML
Miners 3
Hawgs 33

ML
Louisiana-Monroe at LSU (-32.5)
He mismanages clocks, he wins games. He eats grass. He wins games. He can’t clap. He wins games. Say what you want about the Mad Hatter, but the man wins games. You may call it lucky or wonder who holds the deed to his soul, but make no mistake; Les Miles is entertaining and good for the SEC. If you are flipping through the dial and you see that LSU is on, you will stop and see if it’s a close game to watch chaos ensue. With all that said, the reverse call on 4th and 1 against Bama is one of the best I’ve ever seen. LSU will win comfortably, but not cover, which you can do when favored by 30+.

Lou-Mo 6
L-S-U 35

CB
Lou-Mon 10
LSU 40

EGM
LaMo 6
Tigers 35

7:15pm

ML
Mississippi State at Alabama (-13.5)
This just in…anonymous sources out of Starkville say they have confirmation that Nick Saban spends his free time sodomizing wild turkeys while drinking the blood of saber-toothed tigers. If it comes out of Starkville, and is anonymous, you know it must be true. Speaking of Starkville anonymity, how about their entire team? Can you name one guy on their squad off the top of your head? Me either. This game has all the makings of an angry beat down. After two losses, the Tide is no longer Target #1 and would love to take out some frustration on their little brothers from Starkville. The Western Dawgs are riding high behind a six game winning streak and are feeling disrespected by the large point spread. Can they find running room against a chastened ‘Bama D? It needs to happen for this game to remain close.

Running on Empty 9
Tide 28

CB
Miss State 13
Bama 28

EGM
Miss State 10
Bama 24

CB
South Carolina at Florida (-6.5)
This IS the SEC EAST CHAMPIONSHIP GAME ladies and gentlemen! I am making such a big deal about this for a number of reasons: 1) The odds are we’ll probably be underdogs in Atlanta; 2) No one expected this after we lost 3 games in October; and 3) Probably most important of all, I’m GONNA BE THERE!!! That’s right, 2/3 of the BourbonBoys will be in attendance for the Meyer requested Blue-Out. EGM would mock that. I support rally cries, I like unity for the greater good!!! Gators halted a 3 game skid by beating the hated Dawgs in overtime and then humiliating the Commodores in front of their parents. This year Spurrier returns to the Swamp, this time with the ability to not only ruin Florida’s season, but make this one historic for the Cocks. Man he was such a great Coach for UF. I am so happy for the great success he brought our program, but let’s be honest, HE IS COACHING OUR OPPONENT NOW! Why would anyone be “happy for Steve” if he leads the Gamecocks to the SEC title game? Why does that make sense? It ain’t like we fired him or anything. Anyways, I doubt that’s gonna be an issue to anyone other than the select alumni that are still missing SOS. The seniors on our team were freshmen in high school in 2002, Ron Zook’s first year. Anyway, UF offense is starting to click, and a good offense is probably gonna be enough to at least out-gun the Cocks. I’m going with the Home Crowd…shockingly enough.

Cocks 23
GATORS 32

EGM
Cocks 21
Gators 24

ML
Cocks 20
Gators 24

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week X

2010-11-05T18:44:00.001-05:00

Malt Licker
Should we really be excited? I mean, it is Georgia. Shouldn’t we consider it a loss since it took extra time to beat the Dawgies? Maybe we should, but I was psyched last week. It felt great to finally get a W and avoid going 0 for October, especially since I was convinced we couldn’t stop Orson Charles and AJ Green. There is one big game out west, as ‘Bama looks to sidestep the Mad Hatter and setup a huge Iron Bowl, but the rest of the SEC slate is underwhelming. That’s okay though, because I get to write about my adopted favorite team, Boise State!!!!

Cuzzin Bailey
Welcome back to reality everyone, and by that I mean they won’t lock you up on the loony bin to think the Gators have a decent shot at a trip to Hot-Lanta. In a thrilling OT victory over the hated Bulldyk..DOGS, the Gators have “resurrected” their season and with some destruction this weekend, we’ll be one game away from glory. (And by “glory” I mean our opportunity to go 0-fer the SEC West this year). Anyways, wrapping up the Horror movie theme, last night I watched a movie El Gran Mono wouldn’t be caught dead watching…the new version of Nightmare on Elm Street. EGM is a traditionalist when it comes to movies; he will NEVER watch a remake. You have to respect that line in the sand, HE WON’T DO IT! Anyways, the movie was REALLY scary. Not fun and campy like the Jason movies, and very graphic unlike Halloween. Kind of like the Gators…remember when it was fun to watch our team and not terrible nerve-racking? For most of this season I have watched us play with a hand over my eyes just in case Freddy’s gonna jump out of a freaking mirror and kill someone (and he does). Well hopefully those days are over, I’m liking this triple threat QB system we have going here, (one passes, one runs fast, one runs big)…So basically its taking 3 dudes to do what one kid did here for 4 years. And you know what? I don’t give a crap! I hope JB is being honest when he says it doesn’t bother him…actually, I don’t care. All I really care about is winning (oh and doing “the right way,” HAHA just kidding). GO GATORS! If you want to follow nonsensical sports and other topics on twitter, follow me and then delete me…it happens: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey

El Gran Mono
I am now on Zocor, that’s what the Gators have driven me to. However, I guess that’s better than the cocktail of anti-depressants and erection drugs that UGA fans have been on for the last 21 years. I’ll let Cuzz’ Bailey, #1 Gator enthusiast cover the rest of the game because I’m only going to bring people down. As for the rest of the SEC/NCAA, Roadblock Saturday proved to be a true obstacle to faux BCS chances (see Mizzou and Sparty). Oregon had no trouble with the father and son hack combo. Oregon State and Arizona are all that stands between the Ducks and 17 point loss to Alabama on a Monday night in January. That’s right, I’m not buying the Ducks against a real defense. I think they are good but remind me a lot of 2008 Joklahoma. And that Sooner team, had a much better QB, OLine and defense.

As for this week, I fully expect a war between the Tide and Tigers and more Cam Newton rumors…

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Mississippi State – OFF WEEK

12:21pm

CB
Florida at Vanderbilt (-14)

As I’m sure you all are aware of by now, the Gators are 2 SEC wins away from going back to the SEC Champ game, something that seemed ludicrous as recent as last week. Now I know this is a “trap game,” but this isn’t your slightly older friend’s Vandy. There’s no Jay Cutler and … hell there’s no coach. The Commodores are giving up 9 more points per game than they are getting. That is just pathetic. I know that historically we have struggled with Vandy, but I think this year, given the importance, we have no reason to be looking past Nashville. Since beating Eastern Michigan on October 9th, Vandy has lost its last three games by a combined total of 113 to 21. Disgusting. Oh yea, one of those losses was to UGA who the Gators beat last weekend in the Cocktail Party!!!! My God we had such a good time. Perfect day for tailgating, so much food and drink, and my secret boxer-pocket worked flawlessly!! 10 airplane bottles of Jim Beam joined me at my seat…it was amazing. Oh yea, Gators cover…no problem.

FLORIDA 32
Vandie 7

EGM
Gators 23
Dores 10

ML
Gators 31
Dores 10

12:30pm

ML
Idaho State at Georgia (NL)
Whooo hoo Boise State…wait, your saying its not Boise, but Idaho State? I thought there was only one school in my beloved Gem State. Oh well, UGA needs to find a way to beat the Bengals from Pocatello, who are currently 1-7 and winless in the Big Sky conference. Hopefully they’ll be able to gather together their shattered dreams and make it to .500 with a W over the Bengals. I’d really rather talk about Boise State, who face a tough test this week, against the Rainbow Warriors, who are the last team to beat Boise in the regular season. Yea that’s right, my beloved Broncos have won 32 regular season games in a row! Getting back to Georgia, can we all relax about their assistant giving Chas the choke sign? It’s not that big a deal. Everyone needs to lighten up. It has gotten out of control, as we have now reached the point where basketball players need to make sure their trash-talk is not “insensitive.”

Big Skyy 3
Big Choke 43

CB
Sacrificial Bengals 6
Reeling Dawgs 54

EGM
PotaTOEs 13
Dawgs 51

EGM
Charleston Southern at Kentucky (NL)
There always seem to be a few of these matchups late in the season between SEC teams and D-IAA teams. Thank goodness for the 12th game! Watch Randall Cobb, he’s worth it.

Ft. Sumter 10
Ft. Knox 42

ML
Buccaneers 6
Cats 55

CB
Challston Suthun 5
Kiats 43

1:00pm

CB
Chattanooga at Auburn (NL)

Since there is no line here, and its clear who the winner will be, let me just take a second to say: this Auburn team reminds me of the 2007 Gator squad (minus the losses); Great offense, outstanding, fun to watch, but terrible defense. Of course they have two more rivalry games to go, and losing to Bama could destroy a stellar season! Here’s to that! I hate Auburn

Nooga 10
Ah-Barn 100

EGM
Chattanooga 3
Plainsmen 52

ML
FCS Mocs 3
Awbarn 60

3:30pm

ML
Alabama at LSU (+6.5)
Can the Mad Hatter do it again? It’s a battle of one-loss powerhouses in Death Valley. ‘Bama controls their own destiny on the road to Atlanta, but LSU can’t get there without some help. It sounds like a broken record, but to beat ‘Bama you must make them one dimensional, and then put heat on McElroy. Rinse. Repeat. Then the Tigers need 2 or 3 big plays, whether via defense, special teams, or the lucky horseshoe stuck in Les Miles’ ass. Typically Satan’s teams avoid these plays, but some crazy stuff can happen down on the Bayou.

Tide Rolling On 28
Luck Running Out 10

CB

EGM
Bama 13
LSU 10

ML
TCU at Utah (+6)
Game of the Week baby! Is this game at night? It should be. These two teams deserve prime time coverage. It’s a battle for Mountain West supremacy, and the Utes will be looking to avenge last years shellacking in Fort Worth. This matchup is what football is all about! Two highly disciplined teams with dynamic offenses and gutty defenses clash in Mormon-land. Look for the home underdogs to get off to a quick start. However, I think Gary Patterson and Andy Dalton will quickly recover and open up a comfortable lead in the second half.

Horned Frogs 34
Yoots 17

CB
Horny Toads 34
Utar 38

EGM
Frogs 21
Utes 17

7:00pm

CB
Louisiana-Lafayette at Ole Miss (-27)

In an effort to be a fair and balanced and informed journalist, I will personally be attending this game to see what Vaught-Hemingway has to offer at a night game! Very excited! Obviously I’m going to see my Bourbongirl, but this is going to be a nice treat! I love watching SEC games in which I don’t have to worry about Florida losing. Clearly the Rebs are gonna win this one. But I have no idea what Lou-La has to offer so I’m just gonna guess here. Looked like Ole Miss gave Arkansas a run for their money and dropped 30 plus on Auburn’s porous defense, so I doubt Houston’s boys will have trouble scoring, but…oh wait, the Ragin’ Cajuns have lost 4 straight and only have 2 Ws on the season. I think Ole Miss wins, but 27 is too much for my blood.

Cajuns 13
Rebears 39

EGM
LaLaf 6
Sellouts 51

ML
Lou-La 3
Gummi-Bears 44

EGM
Arkansas at South Carolina (-3)
Second best game of the week in the SEC…would be even better if these two teams knew how to hang on in the fourth quarter. Both the teams feature excitable QBs, one with a great beard, one with a great arm. The difference in the two teams is USC’s ability to play defense and run the ball. I fully expect Spurdog pound the rock with Lattimore as much as possible to limit Mallet’s chances. The cocks should come up with enough stops to get the win.

Arky 21
USC 25

ML
Hawgs 31
Cocks 27

CB
Arks 26
Cocks 27

8:00pm

EGM
Tennessee at Memphis (OFF)
The state of Tennessee may know how to vote properly but their football programs are way down. Memphis has never been a powerhouse but they used to be semi-competitive in CUSA. Tennessee was a perennial participant in the Outback/Citrus Bowl for a decade but has now resorted to touring WWII battlefields in early January. Not a good situation for either team. Earlier in the year, UAB should have beaten the Vols. Can the Tigers even the score for CUSA?

MSU 13
Vols 21

CB
UT 34
Memphis State 27

ML
Vols 23
Tigers 3

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK IX

2010-10-29T13:56:00.000-05:00

El Gran Mono
I'm pretty excited about "Roadblock Saturday". In fact, anytime ESPN can brainstorm a catchy nickname for something I get even more excited. If they bring sponsor themed segments to CF Gameday, then I might actually die from ecstasy. For instance, the "Coor's Light Meltdown" (something Cuz knows about) would detail the downfall of a great program each week, highlighting the dumb mistakes in a Fall-of-Rome type of analysis: it was the lead pipes, it was the mismanagement of talent, it was the attempt to control such an expanse of land and cultures, it was the attempt to control the media with Stazi-like mechanisms, it was the inability to adapt to a changing world, it was the attempt to ram an offensive philosophy into place regardless of personnel. Another new segment would be called Smirnoff “On Ice”. This show would quickly go through each game and give expert predictions such that those with action could get final tips before putting their hard earned money at risk. I would almost insist this show be hosted by Todd McShay and Desmond Howard. These guys have such a knowledge base and predict games with such accuracy that their weekly picks might bring down the State of Nevada faster than Harry Reid.

Roadblock Saturday! Let do it!

Malt Licker
Has it really come to this? Are we really relegated to resting our hopes for a “successful” season on whether or not we can beat Georgia? It’s a testament to how far we’ve fallen in such a short time. The thought of it makes me depressed. Thankfully, I just saw Christian “big game” Ponder fumble the ball away to NC State and I am gearing up for Halloween with my first ever pumpkin purchase. It’s a pretty mundane slate of games this weekend, evidenced by the fact that the Cocktail Party is CBS’ “Game of the Week.”

Cuzzin Bailey
So, I guess you can call this “Do or Die Weekend” for the Gators. If we lose to UGA its gonna take an act of The Great Pumpkin™ to get us into the SEC Championship game. I know some of you are wondering why I still talk about this possibility, but let me tell you something; Urban has won 2 National Titles, he made Chris Leak into a Spread-Option QB and he can do the same for Brantley, plus with the running of the Trey Burton, having our backs…well, back, that will make a huge difference as well. Man, I’ll tell you, I just read an article and I feel like the players are getting “it” and right now my excitement for this weekend couldn’t be higher! I am seriously so pumped up for this game! Jawga fans and players are so confident right now, Gators is “struggin,” this is setting up to be a very different outcome than everyone is expecting. I was just watching Halloween, off the subject, and anyone else getting the parallels between Chris Rainey and Michael Myers? He makes one mistake and he’s sent away. Gone for a while he comes back and goes on a rampage. Hopefully Georgia will step into the role of The Strode family, and Michael, or “Chris”…wait wrong word in quotes there, anyways, Chris will go on a tear this weekend destroy UGA! Viva Michael Myers! One more thing before I send yall off into the world of the picks, I am so excited, this weekend I get to play the part of the “faux-humble-SEC-fan!” Let me get ready for this: “Gee, gosh, I hope y’all don’t be us too bad ;)” That’ll do. If this piques your interest, follow me on Twitter, DO IT: www.twittercom/cuzzinbailey

LSU and Alabama (OFF WEEK) – Each with a week off to get ready for their showdown next weekend!

12:21pm

EGM
Tennessee at South Carolina (-17)

I won’t stoop down to the level of the mainstream media by belittling Derek Dooley’s misinformed German army comparisons. I mean seriously, this is the guy cleaning up Lane Kiffin’s mess, much like Churchill cleaned up for Chamberlain. You can’t blame him for giving up on the Alabama game like Czechoslovakia. Give the guy a break, defending against the blitzkrieg of Julio Jones, Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson with Nick Reveiz and Co. is like defending Warsaw with a horse brigade against a Panzer regiment. Oops…

As for the game, I expect a Stalinesque style of defense by USC to stifle the summer coated Vols. Meanwhile, Steve Garcia will descend upon Rocky Top like Russian winter. Someone needs to sneak Smokey out like Niels Bohr before its too late.

Vols 13
Cocks 24

ML
UT 12
SC 21

CB
Vuls 14
Cocks 30

3:30pm

EGM
Florida v. Georgia (Jacksonville) (UGA by 3.5)

The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! Hold on a sec, my phone is ringing…“Oh, hi Bernie”…“What’s that? Your revoking my diploma?”. Well, I guess I had that coming ever since I had the audacity to drink more than one beer while watching a Gator game.

As for the game, the rumor around Gator country is there have been wholesale changes on offense. Does this mean adaptation to talent? Or does it mean more walk-ons in five wide sets? I’m betting on the former. Meyer won a game very similar to this one in his first year. He took down a highly rated UGA team behind a revamped offensive scheme. Granted, the Dawgs were featuring Joe Tereshinski III instead of DJ Shockley, but I distinctly remember a certain ESPN show singing the praises of handsome Joe before the game and how he would bring down the lowly Gators. If only Howard/McShay were on set in those days, then they could have told us how Meyer would adapt and take down the Dawgs.
The Dawgs are playing tough these days but they have gotten fat off some bad teams. I can’t believe I’m gonna make this pick after all of my negativity but I feel Urb has his chi back.

Gators 21
Dawgs 20

ML
Dawgs 20
Gators 14

CB
FLORIDA 23
Jawga 21

ML
Missouri at Nebraska (-7)

Mizzou baby! Undefeated with one major hurdle in Lincoln before a possible conference championship game! What is the state of Missouri known for? Mark Twain? Harry Truman? Compromise? As to football, they remind me of the Gamecocks…simultaneously capable of great upsets and questionable losses. A loss to the Huskers would not fall under either category, as Nebraska has regained their mojo behind their dynamic running QB Martinez. If the Tigers can find a way to protect Blaine Gabbert, they can pull off another upset and make Don Draper very happy.

Sad Don 19
Happy Husker 31

CB
Mizzou 23
Huskers 28

EGM
Mizzou 28
Nebraska 17

6:00pm

CB
Auburn at Ole Miss (+7)

Anyone else hear that Cam Newton is good? Seriously, he’s playing so well, and flying real low under the radar so far. No one talks about him, I feel like I’m discovering him here on BourbonBoys! So, from now on, any talk you hear about Newton, you can trace the source back to Cuzzin Bailey. Anyways, I have heard a LOT of people predicting an upset for this game. I’m not sure I’m sold. Sure it took two unbelievable runs for these Tigers to beat the Bayou Tigers, but…oh wait, Ole Miss, in a losing effort gave Arkansas a run for its money last week. Hmmm. I guess what I’m thinking is the game is close, but real late Newton steals the Heisman, like it’s a laptop, and runs for a score to win the ballgame. I hope this doesn’t dampen the spirits in Oxford as I will be visiting my future in-laws next weekend there for some fun! This weekend I’ll be tweeting from the Cocktail Party and next weekend from Vaught-Hemingway!

Barn it! 27
Bear Down 21

EGM
Aubie 31
Ole Miss 28

ML
Tiggers 29
Yogi Bears 20

7:00pm

CB
Vanderbilt at Arkansas (-21)

I was thinking this was gonna be stock Vanderbilt, kind of a tough nut to crack. Not sure which team would show up, would they get pumped up for a big game, etc etc. Well, as it turns out this game should be pretty cut and dry. The Commodores beat up on the hapless Easter Michigan (Mascot’s) three games ago, but have since been decimated by SEC East foes. Meanwhile, there are talking heads out there saying that if the Razorbacks were in the East, they would run away with the division. Not sure why that had to be said, but going along with that logic, Vandy is in for some real trouble. Arky has two losses to, arguably, the best two teams in the conference, and both games were close-ish. Not sure why I’m spending so much time on this, its gonna be a blowout.

Nerds, books, blah blah 10
What’s a Book? We’re hicks 33

EGM
'Dores 3
Arky 31

ML
VanderDweeb 3
Boss Hawg 40

ML
Kentucky at Mississippi State (-7)

I remember the last time the Gators lost to Mississippi State. I complained about how we lost to a team that lost to Maine, now I can say that we lost to a team that needed a 2nd half rally to beat UAB, at home. Is Ron Zook really our coach again? Is he going to pull off an Urban Meyer mask during the 4th quarter? Anyway, MSU looks to right the ship at home and register their sixth straight victory of the year after nearly screwing the pooch against the Dragons from Birmingham. They face the Cats, whose 98th ranked defense is the perfect tonic for any team struggling on offense. If MSU has turned the corner, they should have no problem dispatching of the Cats.

Black Cats 20
Good luck for Dawgs 40

CB
Still Kensucky 28
Still Trash 34

EGM
KY 21
Miss State 20

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK VIII

2010-10-22T12:50:00.004-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
Well, should I blame myself? Been to two Gator games, and we’ve lost both. Malt Licker was even at the LSU game. Curse of the Bourbon Boys? Speaking of Curses, AMC is showing a Friday the 13th marathon this week, and as its winding down, I kind of felt that Jason was personifying our struggles. I mean just when you think he’s dead (we’re driving down the field), BAM! A machete comes out of nowhere or you’re wrapped up in a sleeping bag getting slammed against a tree, and Jason or “fumbles” come back and the Bulldogs are running the ball 99% of the second half, wasting precious clock and any legit chance at a Gator comeback. Two camp counselors are about to make a baby (Trey Burton running stellar option), and Steve Addazio, er...uh Jason, comes at you with a spear gun (makes Johnny Brantley run the option). Loss of 4, lose momentum, another teenager dead. Okay, this is getting a little abstract…Hopefully the Gator bye week will allow Meyer to come out swinging against UGA. I don’t care if he runs bubble screens up and down the field (ala Zook in ‘02), win the game. Oh yea, in regards to last week, if you want to see how frustrating it is for a team to not throw the ball but still get first downs, watch that scene in BlackSheep where Farley and Spade are playing checkers and Spade, “NEVER MOVES HIS BACK ROW!!” That should sum it up. Good games this week, but whatever. Hey I’m on Twitter, and I’m hilarious www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey

El Gran Mono
I absolutely love college football. Last week really cemented that fact for me. A few upsets and the unveiling of the BCS standings. Outside of a 48 hour step show festival, it doesn’t really get much better than last week’s games. The Gators are off this week but LSU-Auburn should fill the pleasure gap admirably. Unfortunately, neither of them run true “spread” offenses or else I would be in heaven. Maybe I’ll sneak in a morning viewing of UF-Miss State just to appease my admiration of that glorious offense and diverse, effective playcalling.

Malt Licker
When evaluating the Gators this year, all I can think about is that mediocre movie starring a bearded Clooney and Wahlberg, The Perfect Storm. Tebow leaves, Spikes, Haden & Co leave, Charlie Strong finally gets tabbed to run a program of his own, Tebow’s clone leaves the school, and Urban’s health issues cause him to take time off to recuperate and ask Addazio to take control of the entire program, coordinate the conclusion of recruiting, run the offense and coach the offensive line. To top things off, Tebow’s ’07 backup is now a Heisman front-runner for the Plainsmen. Is it any wonder our team is flailing around like Marky Mark in the Outer Banks? We don’t even get to think about Diane Lane naked. I can’t think of a program that needs a week off more. Now we can “perfect” the spread and that deadly swing pass to Emmanuel Moody.

FLORIDA (OFF) – ML has a special note for the UF bye week: “I think the Bye Week wins by 10 points, and I predict an arrest this weekend.”

12:21pm

ML
Ole Miss at Arkansas (-10)

Why is it that Petrino can put up 50 points with his backup quarterback and the Gators can only score 7 at home against Mississippi Freaking State? Watching Arkansas and Auburn run up and down the field last week made me sick to my stomach. I’d take Arky’s backup Tyler Wilson right now. He’d at least be able to lead Moody on these swing passes so that he can get back to the line of scrimmage instead of losing 4 yards. Did the Rebels get a chance to unveil “Rebel Bear” last week? Who feels worse? Urban watching Cam Newton highlights or Masoli watching the Ducks put 60 points on the board with total ease?

Paddington Bear 23
Hoggies 42

CB
Bears can be Rebels! 20
Pigs 31

EGM
Black Bears 17
Hawgs 24

3:30pm

CB
LSU at Auburn (-6.5)

Not going to say it, not going to say it…alright fine. For old time’s sake, “I guarantee the Tigers will win this game”…ugh. Look, this is going to be the game of the year, so far. I can hardly begin to describe how important this game is. The winner will control their destiny to get to Atlanta and MAYBE the National Championship game. These are the only two undefeateds in the SEC and Saturday circa 6pm, there will be only one. Everyone knows how lucky L”Les”U is, but you can’t JUST be lucky in this league. I actually feel like the Bayou Bengals will be able to move the ball against Auburn, cause War Eagle defense just ain’t their strong suit. No, The Plainsmen have this cat (yuck yuck) named Cam Newton. Former Gator player, constructively kicked off the team (his playing time was demoted) due to a moment of serious stupidity. That act of ignorance was followed by another one. When it was determined he was not the future of Gator football, UF’s coaches let him get away. Now he’s a heistman contender and leading a very potent offense. This is going to be a barn burner, and I just feel like there is too much at stake for this line to be this high. I like a close one here, Tigers by a late field goal…

Bayou 23
Barn 24

EGM
Tigers of LSU 28
Plainsmen of AU 24

ML
Tigers 10
Plainsmen 24

7:00pm

EGM
UAB at Mississippi State (-19.5)

If there is an offense I like more than the Gators, its Miss State’s. Chris Relf is a masterful thrower of the football and a slick runner. Dan Mullen has this team hitting on all cylinders after a wonderful offensive display in Gainesville. The real question for his team: will they break the NCAA record for passing yards and points in a game?

I don’t know much about UAB but they put up a strong fight against a disciplined and talented Tennessee team so I’m really surprised to see the line this high. The Dragons are also proud members of Conference USA which is home to some of the most dynamic football programs in the country. This game just has awesome written all over it. I know where I’ll be at 7pm.

Dragons 3
Miss State 31

ML
Maybe better than UF 3
Definitely better than UF 24

CB
Blue Blazers 7
Boring Dogs 28

CB
Alabama at Tennessee (+16.5)

The always dramatic “Third Saturday in October!” Okay the moniker hasn’t applied in a few years, but the intensity remains. Do yall remember that it took a last second field goal BLOCK for the Tide to remain in the fruitful National Title hunt last year??? I do. UT looked to be in control, but Bama came back late and the Vols last ditch effort was thwarted by the Crimson Tide. This year, Tennessee appears to be way down, new coach and all, but this is one of the most historic rivalries in the Conference and that can always play a part in how teams face each other. Will the Vol Navy come out in full force to cheer their Orange-clad warriors on, or will Bama flex their muscles as they attempt to return to form before they battle the two Tigers in November? UT wasn’t supposed to be in that game last year, and they were, but this year, Nick’s Boys have tasted their own blood. If they aren’t fired up for this game, knowing what’s at stake, then I don’t know anything. I like Bama big-ish as the game progresses, but look for some excitement early on!

BAMA 35
Vols 17

EGM
Crimson Tide 28
Vols 13

ML
Tide 34
Vols 10

ML
South Carolina at Vanderbilt (+12.5)

I’m thinking we may need to start calling the SEC East the AFC West. The Gamecocks managed to choke away a chance to take an almost insurmountable division lead by blowing a big lead in Lexington. Shit, as the Ol’ Ball Coach said this week, Vanderbilt is still in the hunt. To bury the ‘Dores, the Cocks will need to break an 8 game SEC road losing streak without their stud RB Lattimore, who will be out with an ankle injury. I don’t think I’ve watched one hour of Vanderbilt this year. They can’t be any less entertaining than the Gators.

Cocks 24
Vandy 14

CB
Choke Cocks 34
Vandie 14

EGM
Cocks 24
Vandy 12

7:30pm

EGM
Georgia at Kentucky (+3.5)

Shootout in Lexington! Randall Cobb v. Washaun Ealy. This is likely a game for the ages in the SEC. Two scrappy defenses trying to stop world class offenses. Two classy coaches. The bluegrass is in early fall bloom. I think I just shed a tear. I’ll be watching this one live for sure, but its also getting save until delete status on my Tivo.

Dawgs 31
Kats 28

ML
Dogs 31
Cats 24

CB
Dawgs 32
Cats 28

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK VII

2010-10-15T09:39:00.002-05:00

Malt Licker
Ugh…could not be less enthused about this week’s edition of the Bourbon Boys. I’m totally negative about our Gators, and fully expect to lose another 2 or 3 games this year. If only the SEC had a tie-in to the Sun Bowl in El Paso. I’ve heard that’s a great trip. Another great trip is Peyote, which I recommend if you ever have to watch the Gators play offense. The good news (for everyone) is that I only have to write about two games this week. I’m mailing this week’s edition in so much I should put a stamp on it.

Cuzzin Bailey
In a slight change of pace, and with the mood around Bourbon Boy Central a bit grim, we decided to just stick to the slate of SEC games and give yall a shortened version of the Picks this week! Not sure why that deserved an exclamation point. Anyways, I was considering being a complete brat this week and just typing clichés and random words to express my frustration, but I think I got that out of my system on Saturday night after a few (lot) glasses of Maker’s Mark. I played a little game of “de-friend chicken” with the Gator Haters on Facebook. Like most late-night decisions, it made me feel good at the time, but the next day I regretted it, until I had the softball game of my life on Sunday! So I’m over feeling sorry for myself, over being sorry for the Gators, and no longer angry at terrible defense and not being able to recognize the most OBVIOUS fake field goal in the history of the sport. I’m ready to start anew, with new goals in mind. The Gators still hold their SEC destiny in their hands. Win the rest of our games (which aren’t against real powerhouses) and its off to Atlanta. Lose one, and it looks bad. This week we are playing the West Dawgs of Starkville. If this game were away I would cringe at the thought of cowbells and the second most intimidating high school stadium in the Country, (I’m sure the first is in West Canaan, TX). But this contest will be in the Swamp, and while that may not be an advantage against Les Miles and his Magic Hat, it should prove to be helpful against a hapless bottom feeding team in the very strong West Division.

El Gran Mono
Last week was certainly disappointing for Gator and Tide fans. Both groups thought they were head and shoulders above the rest of the SEC. OBC and Les Miles had something to say about that and Ol’ Cam Newton is proving he is more than just a laptop thief. This week brings the return of the Telestalker, Chris Rainey. Although he’s not supposed to play, it wouldn’t make a difference either way because he’s one of the Minus Two Crew (other member Emmanuel Moody). Clearly, the big game of the week is Arkansas v. Auburn but I’m also expecting a few “not so fast my friends” from the supposed elite or former elite of this great league.

(Tennessee – OFF)

12:21pm

CB
Vanderbilt at Georgia (-16.5)

Last week Vandy took care of Eastern Michigan as predicted, but UGA threw a(nother) wrench in my plans. Let’s just at this point in the season, it is VERY possible that Jawga could be the Gators. They played their asses off last week and knocked Tennessee back to basketball season (which is going to be a rude awakening when they have to fire their coach). AJ Green is who we thought he was. He is big and strong and has phenomenal hands. Everytime the Dawgs get inside the 15, they should just throw that fade route, watch Green eat it up. Also, new UGA in the house. I didn’t even realize the one we’ve been seeing was a substitute. That should be the real factor here…

Vahndabilt 10
Juh-ja 33

EGM
Vandy 10
UGA 31

ML
Vandy 13
UGA 23

3:30pm

CB
Arkansas at Auburn (-3)

The Auburn Tigers (enter more nicknames here) are one of two teams in the entire SEC to remain without a loss, which means that NEXT WEEK’S game against LSU will put that team in control of their destiny for the West and possibly more! That factor makes this weekend a TRAP GAME! You know, that game in which a team over looks their task at hand while looking forward to the one next on their schedule. Well this is the quintessential trap game. Last Saturday, Auburn had a hard time with Kentucky, meaning I way over estimated the Plainsmen defense. That does not bode well for this game. Arkansas can sling the ball around the field and hell, if Kentucky’s QB can throw for 83% and hit 3 receivers for 5-plus receptions each then imagine what a GOOD team will do. I’m gonna be stupid for a second. I’m gonna pick this upset cause hell, I have no idea which teams are gonna show up.

Arkanpass 23
Tigers Buy Hot Items 22

EGM
Arky 28
Aubie 27

ML
ARK-kansas 30
Luck-gonesas 28

6:00pm

EGM
South Carolina at Kentucky (+6)

Stevo finally got his big win at USC. But wait, he got that big win in his FIRST season by beating UF to prevent them from going to the SEC championship game. I think Bammer still has another conference loss in them so perhaps the BIG win will turn into just a big win. Listening to Finebaum this week, I learned that USC did not actually win the game last week so much as Bammer lost. I guess these people didn’t watch Stephen Garcia, Alshon Jefferey, and Marcus Lattimore shred the Bammer defense for four quarters.

KY almost made a crazy comeback against the hapless Auburn defense last week. Randall Cobb finds a way to score in some pretty remarkable ways. I’m betting the Cocks have the same problems with Cobb and this one goes to the wire.

Cocks 24
Kats 21

ML
Cocky Cocks 27
Snakebit Kats 22

CB
Cocks Let Down? 30
Kats Rally? 17

7:00pm

ML
Mississippi State at Florida (-8)

How can this pathetic team be favored over anyone? Our defensive backs couldn’t tackle me in the open field. Our only healthy running back is a drippy pussy who fumbles with ease. We have no pass rush. Our supposedly “great coach” was outsmarted by Les fucking Miles. I haven’t even touched on our train-wreck of an offense. Does it really take 2 months to figure out that Andre Debose might be effective on the jet sweep? Is it illegal to throw the ball to Carl Moore greater than 15 yards down the field? I know…let’s try to perfect the uber-choreographed “swing” pass to our drippy-pussy Running Back. Is it possible to pay Dan Mullen 10 million bucks a year to murder Addazio and call our plays on offense? At lease our fans aren’t entitled…

MSU 34
UF 4

CB
Cows? Dogs? 13
FLORIDA!! 30

EGM
Gators 21
Miss State 20

EGM
McNeese at LSU (Offline)

McNeese State is located in Lake Charles, Louisiana. They appear to have an awesome statue of a cowboy riding a bucking bronco on campus. They have just welcomed their sixth President, Dr. Philip C. Williams to campus. They also host a rodeo.

Although the presence of a rodeo with 500 miles usually distracts Les Miles, the Cajuns shouldn’t have any trouble with the Cowboys.

Cowboys 0
LSU 53

ML
McNeese Nuts 6
Les’ Balls 44

CB
McNeez 2
I hate LS-YOU 6 (last second 73 yard fake field goal)

9:00pm

ML
Ole Miss at Alabama (-20)

Well good, ‘Bama lost. I’d like to think it was due to a letdown after their “big match” against the mighty Gators, but you and I both know that is bullshit. The Spur-Dog just had his team ready to play and may have the best running back in the conference. Lattimore knifed through the Bama D like Jack the Ripper. The bad news is that now UF gets to look forward to watching him put up 145 yards and 3 TDs against Duke Lemmens & Co. I’m sure Saban started thinking of ways to make Ole Miss pay for the upset in Columbia. The good news for Ole Miss is they had a week off to prepare for this beating.

Wow…I just saw that Ole Miss finally named a new mascot. Get this, its Rebel Black Bear. Are you serious??? Were Trey Parker and Matt Stone unwilling to give up Sexual Harassment Panda or the Giant Douche? Margaret Ann Morgan, a co-chairman of the student mascot selection committee, said the bear was recommended because it had a Mississippi connection, would appeal to children and would be unique to the Southeastern Conference. Yea…uniquely gay. What connections do Bears have to Mississippians? Do they both like honey? Can they both not read? What a joke…

The Bears 0
The Tide 40

CB
New Mascot Alert! 20
BAMA 39

EGM
Homosexual Bears 3
Bammer 41

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK VI

2010-10-07T23:35:00.007-05:00

El Gran Mono
Well last week certainly taught us a few things about the SEC. It confirmed once again, that Les Miles is a moron and Nick Saban is an assassin. It also showed that Uga is really awful and not jut the victim of the sec. And finally, it displayed what happens to a young, uncoached team without an identity...I'll let you decide who that was.

Malt Licker
So I went to Tuscaloosa last weekend and some of my cohorts had the opportunity to hang out with Addazio’s sister, they reported that she said the same 4 or 5 phrases over and over all evening. I’m sorry I missed it. However, despite the outcome, I’m not sorry I decided to head to Tuscaloosa for the game. It truly is a one-of-a-kind scene. We were all taken aback by the friendliness of the ‘Bama faithful, its like they knew they were going to bitch-slap us. It was good meeting up with Cuzzin Bailey and mega-thanks to the soon-to-be Mrs. CB for putting together a fabulous spread Saturday afternoon. If not for that sustenance my liver would have exploded. If anyone plans to head to Tuscaloosa and tailgate on the quad, take my advice, it is not necessary to endure the fiasco of trying to reserve space the night before the game. If you show up early enough there will be plenty of space to party.

Cuzzin Bailey
Well the Rays are certainly not piquing my interest which is a good thing for Gator football. But first things first, last weekend, aside from the game, was outstanding. My Bourbon Girl set up a phenomenal party for my family, friends and me! It was stocked with phenomenal BBQ, fried chicken and all the Knob Creeks I could “handle,” (get it, we got a handle of it…actually it didn’t have a handle but it was the size of…alright forget it). And of course I tried my standard routine of trying to drink all the bourbon and beer that they made, but you know booze companies…they keep making more. Anyways, its clear it would have been a different game had we actually scored touchdowns on our trips inside the redzone, but give Bama credit. They survived our advances and kept Bryant-Denny rocking til the end. Btw, to all those concerned, the secret pocket I sewed into my boxers helped me sneak in at least 8 minis of Jim Beam, (truth be told I can’t remember how many I brought in). Anyways, I’m kinda busy watching Navy Seals right now, if you could just come back later for my picks, that would be greaaaat…Oh yea, and if you want to continue reading the hilarious/angry comments: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey

(Ole Miss – OFF) – Last week we decided to stop writing about teams with bye weeks…it just makes sense.

12:21pm

CB
Tennessee at Georgia (-13)

Not sure if you can tell, but I drew the short end of the damn stick this week! This is the best you’re gonna get from me. Both these teams lost last week. In fact, the only reason the SEC East wasn’t swept last weekend is cause the Cocks were off. The Dawgs lost at freaking Colorado, and UT played the Bayou Bengals admirably but, lost after they won? The Vols had too many men on the field when LSU blew their clock management AGAIN thereby giving The Hat another shot at redemption. These two jokers are a combined 0-5 in conference and the only thing that’s gonna matter after Saturday is that one won’t look like so shitty on paper. Clearly the addition of AJ Green to Team UGA wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and that’s why I have no idea why this line is so high. I mean I saw that Jawga hung in with the Hawgs earlier in the season, but they just lost to Colorado, how many times must this be said before it sinks in??? I don’t know which crappy team I like better here, but while I’m rooting for UT b/c we have the tie-breaker on them, I think I might as well at least follow Vegas’ lead in deciding who wins…

Vuls Suck 23
So do da Dawgs 24

EGM
Vols 14
Dawgs 24

ML
Smokey 11+2 = Loss
UGA 20

3:30pm

ML
Alabama at South Carolina (+6.5)

Kind of a set-up game for the Tide here as they go on the road to face their third straight ranked opponent. The Cocks are coming off a bye week, which gave them a chance to lick their wounds after blowing a lead to Auburn and focus on the defending champs. Unfortunately for Spurrier, his alma mater did not make Alabama work one iota last week. Bama opened up such an early lead they were able to play their milquetoast/TBS baseball announcer offense and take the air out of the ball while the Gators continued to run dives off the read option for 4 yard losses. Julio Jones is banged up so if the ‘Cocks can actually, you know, score Touchdowns while inside the five, they might just shock the world. The good news is they have a stud RB who can actually break tackles and a coach with no patience for bad snaps and fumbles.

‘Bama 26
‘Lina 20

CB
BAMA 30
Sorth Carolina 20

EGM
Tide 31
Cocks 13

EGM
Arkansas at Texas A&M (+7)

When I first saw the line as arky +7 I almost booked a flight to Vegas. Turns out the line is -7 but I'm still thinking about the flight. Damn work getting in the way though. Tejas A&M is your standard USFL team, lots of tossing it around and big scoring. Unfortunately for them, they are not playing in that league this week and must face real competition. Arky is still a little pissed about he Bammer game and they will take it out on the Aggs this Saturday.

Aggs 17
Hawgs 38

ML
Hawgies 35
Aggies 20

CB
Arky 34
Another Crappy Texas Team 13

ML
Michigan State at Michigan (-5)

The Big House will be packed this Saturday, and the scoreboard might break, as both schools ride in undefeated with high-scoring offenses and porous defenses. I just checked out the over/under and it is coming in at a relatively low 64. Am I missing something? Is there an early blizzard scheduled for the Lower Peninsula? If I were a betting man, I’d be all over that line. As for the game, there are a bunch of interesting subplots. Can Denard Robinson continue to single-handedly account for 99.9999% of Michigan’s offense? Will MSU coach Mark Dantonio call another crazy fake and almost croak? Will Sparty take home the Paul Bunyan Trophy for the third consecutive year? Since both of these teams played and beat Notre Dame, and both have defensive vulnerabilities similar to the Irish, does it strain credulity to think this game will be similar to when they each played Notre Dame? This game will be similar to the BC/Miami game of 1984, with one team trying to take as much time off the clock before the winning score. The only questions are a) who will be that team? And b) does the other team have some Flutie magic?

Sparty 38
Black Flutie 41

CB
Shoelace 27
HeartAttack 26

EGM
Sparty 28
Denard 24

7:00pm

CB
Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt (-25)

I have some nice things to say about Michigan, they had lovely Florida-fall weather in mid-September and everyone was great. Now that I’ve said that, I have absolutely no idea what to expect from the Eagles. Wait, just looked at their record, now I know what to expect. Remember that scene in Starship Troopers when the infantry first went to the Bug Planet and got owned? This is gonna be close, just less deaths. Sounds like EMU is God awful, and Vandy seems be able to rush the ball decently enough. The line might be a Vegas attempt to sucker people into betting on the Commodores, but honestly, when the hell was the last time that happened??

Emus 6
I’d Rather be Studyin’ 36

EGM
East Hades 10
Dores 28

ML
Eagles 2
‘Dores 35

7:30pm

EGM
LSU at Florida (-7)

The last time the gators got pasted by Alabama they reacted pretty well. Granted they had weeks to recover and were playing a team with a DI-AA defense but they still played well. In fact, they even opened up the the offense a little and got great results.

Last week against bammer, people were open and even got the ball in the open field. It just so happened that the gators couldn't make that final effort and punch it in. After being pissed for 48 hours, I'm actually quite optimistic about this gator team.

As for lsu, they have a strong defense, no offense, and a clown for head coach. Only one of those things helps in the swamp at night. And even that will wear down.

Tigers 7
Gator 32

ML
Tiguhz 6
Gatuhz 14

CB
LSU Bleauxs! 10
FLORIDA! 24

CB
Auburn at Kentucky (+7.5)

I like how the line is almost like a backhanded compliment to the ‘Cats…they haven’t been able to stop ANYONE this year! And it ain’t like Aw-Barn is struggin on offense. As much as I hate to admit it, Cam Newton is unbelievable and while I’m glad we don’t have his stolen-laptop-buying ass on our team, I sure as hell wish we had a player like him. He is going to run/pass/blast through and over and by Kensucky and its not going to be close. God my stomach hurts just slightly singing the Tigers/Plainsmen/War Eagle praises. I hate them, but I’m not too stubborn (this week) to follow my gut.

Big Cats 42
Lil’ Catz 20

EGM
Plainsmen 27
KY 14

ML
Plainsmen 20
Horsemen 24

8:00pm

EGM
Mississippi State at Houston (+5)

Houston lost their stud qb earlier this year. Without him they will have serious trouble with average Miss State. Mullen has this team on the right track but giving points on the road? I don't think so

Dogs 31
Cougs 28

ML
Bulldogs 28
Cougars 21

CB
Mullen’s Dawgs 34
Phi Slamma Crappa 17

ML
Florida State at Miami (-7)

Remember when this game was relevant? I do, the first college football game I ever attended was between FSU and Miami at the Doak back in 1987. It was a classic, with Michael Irvin leading the Canes back. It seems like a long time ago, both for me and for these two programs, who have not been relevant on the national stage in years. ESPNABC is trying to hype this game up, but much like the two starting quarterbacks, it won’t pan out. Sure, it will probably be a close game, but it will be a game riddled with penalties, dropped passes, and interceptions. I can’t believe the Canes are a 7 point favorite. With Jacory “jam it into triple coverage” Harris under center, that number is way too high. People keep telling me Christian Ponder is good too, but every time I watch him play he either sucks, gets hurt, or both. He’s like a hooker with an abusive pimp. The good news is hookers with abusive pimps are careful, so Ponder will make less mistakes than Harris, which should secure a cover for the Criminole$

F$U 20
$cum 24

CB
Seminoli Means Runaway (in Creek) 23
Angry Weather! 28

EGM
Semis 28
Canes 24

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK V

2010-09-30T22:44:00.002-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
Okay, this is Bama/UF week and I am sitting here reading a book written by Alan Dershowitz for school. I hate this class. I should be thinking only of the game this week, not some liberal blowhard who is claiming to offer advice, and tomorrow I get to report back to my professor who is trying to be Dershowitz’s equal in blowhardery. ANYWAYS…This is game is, so far, the game of the year. While it won’t “break” the loser’s season, it sure will give some crazy confidence and conference control to the team that wins! I am gonna be there visiting my bourbon girl and Malt Licker is scheduled to make an appearance as well! Gonna be a great one, primetime in Tuscaloosa, Florida vs. Alabama! Man I am so jacked, and for one brief moment my mind was taken off that scumbag teacher! Go Gators! Oh and as always, follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey It may not always make sense but I got a shout out for Dickie V last night and it pretty much made this whole thing worth it!

El Gran Mono
Its been a crazy week, and thank goodness because business has kept my mind off Saturday night. I was hoping to spend this weekend celebrating CB’s birthday amongst the company of good friends and strong beverages. Twas not to be, I guess I’ll have to enjoy Game of the Year Part I in HD…and I’m not talking about Oregon-Stanford.

Last week, saw the advent of Trey Touchdown Burton and the decline of Ryan Mallett. I know a lot of people think Mallett is still great but after watching him melt under pressure I don’t think he’s 1st Round. Who will be the hero’s of this week’s game? My guess…Knob Creek.

Malt Licker
BIG GAME WEEKEND!!!! As I’m sure CB has already told you, 2/3 of the Bourbon Boys will be rendezvous-ing in Tuscaloosa for CB’s 50th birthday. It’s hard to imagine he’s lived this long. With his steady diet of scotch, smack and cigarettes, he truly gives Keith Richards a run for his money. BIG GAME WEEKEND!!!! The college football world will (once again) fix its eyes on the SEC, for Urban/Saban Part III. The last time I visited Tuscaloosa, the Bourbon Boys +1 packed into a car and drove 8 hours to conduct an experiment with Popov and Gatorade. The P&G beat EGM, but I think CB and ML held it to a draw. By the way…..BIG GAME WEEKEND!!!!

12:00pm

ML
Vanderbilt at Connecticut (-6.5)

If Bama/UF is Mount Everest, this matchup is the Mariana Trench. Do they even know what a football looks like in Connecticut? If this were a matchup in women’s “basketball” it might be interesting…wait, what am I saying? Unless you love mountain bikes, the Indigo Girls, and Subaru Forester’s you will not be into that either. I’d also be shocked if anyone from Connecticut has ever read this blog.

Lady Dores 31
Lady Huskies 30

CB
Vandie 17
UCONN, football? 24

EGM
Commodes 13
Huskies 21

ML
Louisiana-Monroe at Auburn (-34)

Jeez…can we sink any further? I think this is the second La-Mo game I’ve had the displeasure of covering. Auburn used their mojo again last week, with another thrilling victory at night in Jordan-Hare. There will be very little drama this week. I get the feeling La-Mo’s defense will make it look like even Cam Newton can throw.

La-Mon Williams 3
Plainsmen 40

CB
Lou-Mon 7
Au-BARN 50

EGM
Plainsmen 51
LaMo 20

CB
Alcorn at Mississippi St (NL)

MSU took care of the Fancy pants dawgs from the East last weekend sending UGA into a downward spiral! I’m not celebrating a rival losing 3 straight SEC games, but its kind of funny when said rival talks more smack than any other team about how great they’re gonna be but they usually ain’t. Its pretty clear that Danny Boy Mullen is gonna unload on Steve McNair’s alma mater this weekend. Wow, how many of you had Cuzzin Bailey making a McNair reference and not mention his illicit affair and untimely demise? Oh wait, I guess that was it! Sucks he’s dead, but it’s a great lesson, DON’T FOOL AROUND!!

Turrible 10
Cowbell WOOOOOOO!! 45

ML
McNair U 10
Mullen U 40

EGM
Alcorn St 0
Miss State 500

12:21pm

EGM
Kentucky at Ole Miss (-2)

Ole Miss should not be favored over ANYONE in the SEC. They are just plain bad. KY might not be as good as they talked before the UF game but they are significantly better than the Akbars. Houston Nutt’s magic appears to have ended the second Dexter McCluster got drafted. The Akbars don’t really do anything well and that includes defense. I expect Randall Cobb to get loose on a number of occasions and Hartline should dissect the Akbar secondary. There will be a lot of faux worn-in hats low across the brow this Saturday.

Kitties 28
Shitties 17

ML
‘Kats 33
Rebs 28

CB
Cats 24
Rebels 21

3:30pm

EGM
Tennessee at LSU (-14.5)

I remember when this game actually meant something. These days its just a practice game before LSU gets into the 0-4 portion of their schedule. The Vols are so bad its not worth discussing but I really wonder about the 14+ points they are giving. Perhaps, the bookies are assuming multiple Peterson TDs because JJeff is regressing each week towards absolute zero. LSU’s defense is the real deal but I have real questions about whether there will be 14 points total in this game. I’ll go with Cuzz’s theory about Simms and his love of picks.

Vols 0
Tigers 17

ML
Smokey 10
Mike 19

CB
Matt Simms sucks 17
Patterson loves him 30

EGM
Texas vs. Oklahoma (at Dallas) (-4)

Much like UT-LSU, I remember when this game actually meant something. I guess it still means a little to Joklahoma but with the way their defense is playing I’m assuming they’ve got a loss or two on their schedule. Perhaps, one of those losses will be to the Longhorns who are coming off a devastating loss to D-IAA look alike UCLA. However, Tejas can’t run the ball at all and that makes them vulnerable every week. Stoops isn’t a terrible coach and should be able to shut down the predictable Horns. Oklahoma is much more balanced on offense and that should be the difference.

Horns 17
Sooners 28

ML
Bruin Roadkill 13
Sooners 24

CB
Tom Landry Middle School 23
Oklahomo 28

7:00pm

CB
Georgia at Colorado (+4)

It’s desperation time in Athens. Not that this game is in Athens, but you can sense the desperation all the way in Jax. Some UGA fans have confessed to me that they may not even watch this game. If we made these picks at the beginning of the year, I would have given CU 15 points at home because: They Suck, and UGA is in the SEC. Now is one of those appropriate times for the cliché, “that’s why the play the games.” Jawga wasn’t supposed to be 0-3 in the SEC and should have been a huge favorite here. The only saving grace for the Dawgs is that AJ “the Jersey” Green is back. And against my better judgment, I think that will make the difference…I can’t believe I’m doing this.

UhGod 24
Generally suck esp at home 19

EGM
Dawgs 31
Buffs 24

ML
UGAy 27
Buffs 20

8:00pm

CB
Florida at Alabama (-9)

Aw man, I just found out this Saturday I’m gonna miss the Little House on the Prairie marathon on Hallmark Channel!! Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to party with my girl, my family and some great friends before the Gators take on the Tiiide! I can always DVR Little House, HAHA! Last year, the Gators got smacked down in the SEC Championship game by Bama. Call it great play calling, or bad tackling but either way, it was an ass whopping. The Tide were exacting some serious revenge on the Gators from the 08 SEC Champ Game and hopefully this year Urban and crew have spent the offseason devising a plan for a little payback of their own. I’m thinking these early season wrinkles have been ironed out and now its time to open up that vaunted yet always changing Spread-option playbook! I’m not going to mince words, Bama is the team to beat this year, for the past 4 years we have felt that way and now its another team with the target on its back. I don’t think we are going to be “surprised” by Alabama, and why should we; everything they do seems to work out, so why change it. Their team strength, speed, and talent are the reason they are the hunted ones this year, and its gonna be up to the Gators and quite a few youngsters to shock the world in T-Town Saturday night. Speaking of youngsters, we have a new starting QB, and multi-faceted QB/RB/WR/TE/FB who scores 6 touchdowns in the blink of an eye. Our Line and Linebackers have shown some positives and our Secondary is as steady as I expected. The only problem is, our secondary may not be tested as much as I would like. Urban said we will be going with a “heavy package” (that’s what she said). This means we’re going to have FIVE down linemen. I guess we did it in Knoxville but, as you all know, I was at a wedding.

FLORIDA (total homer call) 24
BAMA 23

EGM
Gators 21
Bamer 24

ML
Tide 24
Gators 10

ML
Stanford at Oregon (-7)

Man…it’s big game weekend on the west coast this week too. This is a super sexy matchup. The high flying Ducks light up the scoreboard like a pinball machine, while the super efficient Cardinal methodically dismantle their opponents behind Andrew Luck’s arm and Jim Harbaugh’s tutelage. If I had no other allegiance and lived anywhere west of the Rockies, Autzen Stadium would be a prime destination. For some reason I see Jim Harbaugh and his amazing jaw-line willing his team to a big upset over the Quack Attack

SU 37
OU 30

CB
Stansbury 24
DUX 28

EGM
Indians 31
Duckies 39

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK IV

2010-09-24T13:13:00.004-05:00

Malt Licker
I’m sitting on my couch sipping on some Old Rasputin watching Jacory “never won a big game Harris” take on the Wannstache in Pittsburgh. That is definitely a weird sentence, but no weirder than this season. For some reason, everyone hates a team from a state 2500 miles away with a great quarterback that plays an attractive brand of football. Is the WAC really that much worse than the Big East or the ACC? I don’t understand the disdain, especially since the Gators have been so decidedly underwhelming, that there is no question we’ll lose two games and be out of any national title discussions. Anyway, Georgia has two losses in conference play and the Gators offensive play-calling has the imagination of post-stroke Terry Schiavo. Can the Ol’ Ballcoach come back with a big win and get the inside track on the East? Can ‘Bama show they were able to “reload” on defense and survive its first big test of the season? Can Kentucky win at the Swamp for the first time in decades? Watch the games Saturday or follow JoeQuizza on twitter to find out.

Cuzzin Bailey
I’ll tell you, there is nothing as stress-free as watching a game that’s outcome you already know about on DVR. Sure I was checking the score in church at a wedding on Saturday, but that just isn’t the same as seeing the plays in HD. And since I was fast-forwarding I just didn’t get a sense of the Gators struggles! I mean my UT and UGA and FSU and MSU friends don’t have a problem telling me how shitty we are right now, but they aren’t 3-0 either. Florida is hosting Kensucky this week and while I’ll tell ya more on that later, let me tell you something (spoiler alert), I’m nervous. All this “Urban’s going for 100 wins” talk and “UK hasn’t beaten us in 24 years” business is kinda giving me this voodoo-y type feel. Now that doesn’t mean I think we’re gonna lose or anything, but it doesn’t hurt to do a little sub-conscious chanting myself. “Remember ’93…Remember ’93.” Picture it. Gators on the road in Sexington; down by 3 with 8 seconds to go…game winning touchdown to Chris Doering! Many Gators have Mick Hubert’s radio call memorized; “Doering’s Got a Touchdown, Doering’s Got a Touchdown!! OH MY!!” Man, it gives me chills just thinking about it. Anyways, gotta get to class now, gonna learn why North Korea is violating human rights and listen to moronic students compare W to Hitler…should be fuuuun GO GATORS!

El Gran Mono
Its Thursday night and the Rays are kicking the Yanks’ ass and Meeami is kicking Pitt’s ass. I have a little more faith that the Yankees will finish the season strong. I know Yanks fans hate Girardi but imagine if Wannstache was making the calls. Not a good situation.

As for football, there are two very interesting games on the schedule and Boise State plays in their season finale. Oh yeah, Bama-Arky and Auburn-USC are the interesting games…

12:21pm

CB
UAB at Tennessee (-14)

So I met a Tennessee fan the other day, real redneck, and he gave me this craptacular stat: apparently the Gators have won 6 out of the last 7 in the UF/UT series and are still only a few games up. I told him, “sweet dude, who cares about stupid history like that? We won this year, and I’m pretty sure that’s what matters” I think he was ready to fight me. It would be nice if the Vols had that kind of enthusiasm. I am gonna presume the Blazers aren’t that special since I haven’t heard jack crap about em this year. I like UT to run the junk out of the ball just cause their QB is a stock Simms offspring and apparently throwing the ball right into the line of scrimmage is a recessive gene that has phenotyped its way into both chirren. Don’t know anything about UAB, sorry if that’s what you came here for!

Blazers 10
Hicks 30

EGM
Dragons 13
Vols 26

ML
Blazers 13
Volz 34

3:30pm

ML
Alabama at Arkansas (+7.5)

As sad as it sounds, this may be ‘Bama’s toughest game of the season. Ryan Mallett and Co. are coming off an emotional win in Athens, and even the soulless eyes of Bobby Petrino look like they have a spark. To have any chance, the ‘Backs need to jump out to an early lead, contain the reigning Heisman winner and his younger, better, backfield mate, and come up with a big play on special teams. Surprisingly, the Hawgs were able to corral Ingram and Richardson last year, holding the Tide to 134 yards rushing. If the Hawgs can repeat this effort, things may get very interesting…

Crimson Tide 24
Hog Tied 21

CB
Bama 34
Backs 17

EGM
Bamer 31
Arky 28

7:00pm

CB
Kentucky at Florida (-13.5)

Wow, I guess I did my stock, “use the best material in the intro”-gimmick once again. Florida is looking to extend their lead over Kensucky to 24 straight, but this year the Gators have to watch out for Randall Cobb. Dude is electric. Throws, catches, runs, blocks, holds. He does EVERYTHING for the ‘Cats, except snap…which would be sick to see; (Snapping the ball to himself and then running a play). He reminds me of another Randall Cobb. Actor Randall “Tex” Cobb is the picture of versatility. In Ace Ventura, he played the drunk redneck who kidnapped his wife’s (she was way too hot for him) dog; in Fletch Lives, he played the drunk redneck who stole Fletch’s watch and tried to kill him; and in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, he played a drunk redneck con…I mean this guy does it all! Its gonna be a challenge stopping Kentucky’s Cobb this weekend, and that would normally be enough to dump the spread and call for a win, but I think our defense is up to the challenge of containing him. Barring any blown coverage touchdowns this year, I just don’t see the ‘Cats driving down the field. Fluke’s, mistakes here and there, I think Florida get’s its act together Saturday and actually scores in the First Quarter!!

Kensucky 12
FLORIDA 40

EGM
Kats 20
Gators 24

ML
Gators 28
Kats 13

CB
Georgia at Mississippi State (-1.5)

The Fancy Dawgs vs. the Dirty Dawgs!! Man I’m glad this game is happening; I just wish it were MSU at UGA. That would be the ultimate “country come to town/fish out of water” tale. One team is gonna be wearing overalls and the other one is gonna have on black or red slacks/dresses!! Oh man, these fancy Athens boys are gonna be in for a serious surprise in Stark-vegas! There ain’t no clubs son. Just be prepared to hear that shit. Both teams are 0-2 in the SEC and while that may not be big news for MSU fans, a loss here could spell catastrophe for UGA. Mark Richt, Mr. Fake Juice/Enthusiasm, better work his “uniform change/unsportsmanlike conduct” magic this weekend because this is the same offense that UF has dominated the Eastern Dogs with for years. I think this game is gonna be VERY close. But a tipped pass here or there and it’s a blowout. Gonna be a rough year for UGA…And an overzealous El Gran Mono felt compelled to discuss this game too, freaking diligent worker, I’m tellin you!

Fancy Pants 23
West Dawgs 26

EGM
Wow, UGA is an underdog against lowly Miss State. That’s pretty hard to believe given the fact that LSU blew out Miss State last week and UGA has lost two close games. Miss State is terrible offensively and defensively. UGA is inexperienced on both sides of the ball but they have talent. Starkville is not a fun place to play but UGA doesn’t have demons of Sleepy Robinson dancing in their heads. Take the points and have a party after the 1st quarter because this won’t be close

Dawgs of the East 31
Dawgs of the West 13

ML
Red Dawgs 23
Dirty Dawgs 17

7:30pm

ML
Fresno State at Ole Miss (-2.5)

I think the Rebels are taking EGM’s Donna Martin characterization to heart. After an early upset to Jax State, they took it on the chin at home against the hapless Commodores, or was it Ray Pruitt? The Masoli experiment has not exactly worked out. Since he seems to do a better job passing to the other team, Mr. Nutt needs to try to find another Dexter McCluster to catch passes out of the backfield. You don’t want Masoli throwing downfield. Meanwhile, Fresno State has dispatched of Cincinnati behind the solid work of their veteran QB, Ryan Colburn. Look for Nutt to keep the ball on the ground and wear down Fresno State’s smaller defensive front. I see this game staying tight, with Ole Miss scoring a late insurance TD to cover.

Dilfer U 24
Where’s Dexter? 34

CB
Another Bulldog? 20
Get Yo Act Together 23

EGM
Dogs (again) 28
Wannabe Admiral Akbars 27

7:45pm

ML
South Carolina at Auburn (-2.5)

It is looking more and more like the Gamecocks are replacing UGA and UT as the team in the East the Gators need to see lose to widen the path to Atlanta. Can Spurrier’s squad handle this new position? They struggled to beat the Purple Palladins and will have their hands full against the Plainsmen at hostile Jordan-Hare. Auburn has been the lucky version of Notre Dame this year, playing their last two games down to the wire, and coming out on top both times. This really is a huge game. If either team wants aspirations for Atlanta, they must take home a W. Both teams are relying on freshman tailbacks to take the pressure off their mercurial quarterbacks. I think this is a coin flip, but weird things happen at Jordan-Hare. Auburn nighttime ju-ju and another late kick by Wes Byrum will put the Tigers on top.

Cocksmen 20
Plainsmen 23

CB
Gamecocks 21
Tigers 20

EGM
Cocks 17
Plainsmen 16

8:00pm

EGM
Oregon State at Boise State (-16.5)

Its official, I’m a Boise State hater. Probably because of all the stupid ESPN “they are really GREAT” hype. I guess its more of a question of why I watch ESPN at all because I used to root for the Boises of the world. But suddenly the MSM started calling a top five team an underdog and treating them as such. Ridiculous. I’m a fan of a playoff so every year that a good team gets dissed I celebrate the worldwide five minutes of hate for the BCS. So hopefully, Boise keeps getting shipped to the Fiesta Bowl.

As for the game, I saw the Beavs in the opener against TCU and they looked pretty average. Boise is not average and will steamroll the Beavs into their blue turf. Hopefully, that means we don’t have to here “upstart”, “underdog”, “fledgling” Boise talk for three months after this.

No hype 17
HYPE – BUDWEISER HOT SEAT STYLE! 38

ML
The Jerry Mathers 7
Public Enemy #1 34

CB
Beavers 13
Blue Field 30

9:00pm

EGM
West Virginia at LSU (-6.5)

I watched Wva play once this year and they had to score three touches in the 4q to tie the game. Lsu lines to blow leads of that size but their run defense is just too good for wva to make any magic happen. Lsu will have trouble scoring but they'll get just enough

Mountaineers 10
Tigers 21

ML
‘Neers 13
Tigers 26

CB
WVU 10
LSU 24

EGM
Vanderbilt – OFF

What site do dorks frequent? Whatever it is, they better up their server capacity this weekend.

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK IV

2010-09-24T13:13:00.001-05:00

Malt Licker
I’m sitting on my couch sipping on some Old Rasputin watching Jacory “never won a big game Harris” take on the Wannstache in Pittsburgh. That is definitely a weird sentence, but no weirder than this season. For some reason, everyone hates a team from a state 2500 miles away with a great quarterback that plays an attractive brand of football. Is the WAC really that much worse than the Big East or the ACC? I don’t understand the disdain, especially since the Gators have been so decidedly underwhelming, that there is no question we’ll lose two games and be out of any national title discussions. Anyway, Georgia has two losses in conference play and the Gators offensive play-calling has the imagination of post-stroke Terry Schiavo. Can the Ol’ Ballcoach come back with a big win and get the inside track on the East? Can ‘Bama show they were able to “reload” on defense and survive its first big test of the season? Can Kentucky win at the Swamp for the first time in decades? Watch the games Saturday or follow JoeQuizza on twitter to find out.

Cuzzin Bailey
I’ll tell you, there is nothing as stress-free as watching a game that’s outcome you already know about on DVR. Sure I was checking the score in church at a wedding on Saturday, but that just isn’t the same as seeing the plays in HD. And since I was fast-forwarding I just didn’t get a sense of the Gators struggles! I mean my UT and UGA and FSU and MSU friends don’t have a problem telling me how shitty we are right now, but they aren’t 3-0 either. Florida is hosting Kensucky this week and while I’ll tell ya more on that later, let me tell you something (spoiler alert), I’m nervous. All this “Urban’s going for 100 wins” talk and “UK hasn’t beaten us in 24 years” business is getting kinda giving me this voodoo-y type feel. Now that doesn’t mean I think we’re gonna lose or anything, but it doesn’t hurt to do a little sub-conscious chanting myself. “Remember ’93…Remember ’93.” Picture it. Gators on the road in Sexington; down by 3 with 8 seconds to go…game winning touchdown to Chris Doering! Many Gators have Mick Hubert’s radio call memorized; “Doering’s Got a Touchdown, Doering’s Got a Touchdown!! OH MY!!” Man, it gives me chills just thinking about it. Anyways, gotta get to class now, gonna learn why North Korea is violating human rights and listen to moronic students compare W to Hitler…should be fuuuun GO GATORS!

El Gran Mono
Its Thursday night and the Rays are kicking the Yanks’ ass and Meeami is kicking Pitt’s ass. I have a little more faith that the Yankees will finish the season strong. I know Yanks fans hate Girardi but imagine if Wannstache was making the calls. Not a good situation.

As for football, there are two very interesting games on the schedule and Boise State plays in their season finale. Oh yeah, Bama-Arky and Auburn-USC are the interesting games…

12:21pm

CB
UAB at Tennessee (-14)

So I met a Tennessee fan the other day, real redneck, and he gave me this craptacular stat: apparently the Gators have won 6 out of the last 7 in the UF/UT series and are still only a few games up. I told him, “sweet dude, who cares about stupid history like that? We won this year, and I’m pretty sure that’s what matters” I think he was ready to fight me. It would be nice if the Vols had that kind of enthusiasm. I am gonna presume the Blazers aren’t that special since I haven’t heard jack crap about em this year. I like UT to run the junk out of the ball just cause their QB is a stock Simms offspring and apparently throwing the ball right into the line of scrimmage is a recessive gene that has phenotyped its way into both chirren. Don’t know anything about UAB, sorry if that’s what you came here for!

Blazers 10
Hicks 30

EGM
Dragons 13
Vols 26

ML
Blazers 13
Volz 34

3:30pm

ML
Alabama at Arkansas (+7.5)

As sad as it sounds, this may be ‘Bama’s toughest game of the season. Ryan Mallett and Co. are coming off an emotional win in Athens, and even the soulless eyes of Bobby Petrino look like they have a spark. To have any chance, the ‘Backs need to jump out to an early lead, contain the reigning Heisman winner and his younger, better, backfield mate, and come up with a big play on special teams. Surprisingly, the Hawgs were able to corral Ingram and Richardson last year, holding the Tide to 134 yards rushing. If the Hawgs can repeat this effort, things may get very interesting…

Crimson Tide 24
Hog Tied 21

CB
Bama 34
Backs 17

EGM
Bamer 31
Arky 28

7:00pm

CB
Kentucky at Florida (-13.5)

Wow, I guess I did my stock, “use the best material in the intro”-gimmick once again. Florida is looking to extend their lead over Kensucky to 24 straight, but this year the Gators have to watch out for Randall Cobb. Dude is electric. Throws, catches, runs, blocks, holds. He does EVERYTHING for the ‘Cats, except snap…which would be sick to see; (Snapping the ball to himself and then running a play). He reminds me of another Randall Cobb. Actor Randall “Tex” Cobb is the picture of versatility. In Ace Ventura, he played the drunk redneck who kidnapped his wife’s (she was way too hot for him) dog; in Fletch Lives, he played the drunk redneck who stole Fletch’s watch and tried to kill him; and in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, he played a drunk redneck con…I mean this guy does it all! Its gonna be a challenge stopping Kentucky’s Cobb this weekend, and that would normally be enough to dump the spread and call for a win, but I think our defense is up to the challenge of containing him. Barring any blown coverage touchdowns this year, I just don’t see the ‘Cats driving down the field. Fluke’s, mistakes here and there, I think Florida get’s its act together Saturday and actually scores in the First Quarter!!

Kensucky 12
FLORIDA 40

EGM
Kats 20
Gators 24

ML
Gators 28
Kats 13

CB
Georgia at Mississippi State (-1.5)

The Fancy Dawgs vs. the Dirty Dawgs!! Man I’m glad this game is happening; I just wish it were MSU at UGA. That would be the ultimate “country come to town/fish out of water” tale. One team is gonna be wearing overalls and the other one is gonna have one the black or red slacks/dresses!! Oh man, these fancy Athens boys are gonna be in for a serious surprise in Stark-vegas! There ain’t no clubs son. Just be prepared to hear that shit. Both teams are 0-2 in the SEC and while that may not be big news for MSU fans, a loss here could spell catastrophe for UGA. Mark Richt, Mr. Fake Juice/Enthusiasm, better work his “uniform change/unsportsmanlike conduct” magic this weekend because this is the same offense that UF has dominated the Eastern Dogs with for years. I think this game is gonna be VERY close. But a tipped pass here or there and it’s a blowout. Gonna be a rough year for UGA…And an overzealous El Gran Mono felt compelled to discuss this game too, freaking diligent worker, I’m tellin you!

Fancy Pants 23
West Dawgs 26

EGM
Wow, UGA is an underdog against lowly Miss State. That’s pretty hard to believe given the fact that LSU blew out Miss State last week and UGA has lost two close games. Miss State is terrible offensively and defensively. UGA is inexperienced on both sides of the ball but they have talent. Starkville is not a fun place to play but UGA doesn’t have demons of Sleepy Robinson dancing in their heads. Take the points and have a party after the 1st quarter because this won’t be close

Dawgs of the East 31
Dawgs of the West 13

ML
Red Dawgs 23
Dirty Dawgs 17

7:30pm

ML
Fresno State at Ole Miss (-2.5)

I think the Rebels are taking EGM’s Donna Martin characterization to heart. After an early upset to Jax State, they took it on the chin at home against the hapless Commodores, or was it Ray Pruitt? The Masoli experiment has not exactly worked out. Since he seems to do a better job passing to the other team, Mr. Nutt needs to try to find another Dexter McCluster to catch passes out of the backfield. You don’t want Masoli throwing downfield. Meanwhile, Fresno State has dispatched of Cincinnati behind the solid work of their veteran QB, Ryan Colburn. Look for Nutt to keep the ball on the ground and wear down Fresno State’s smaller defensive front. I see this game staying tight, with Ole Miss scoring a late insurance TD to cover.

Dilfer U 24
Where’s Dexter? 34

CB
Another Bulldog? 20
Get Yo Act Together 23

EGM
Dogs (again) 28
Wannabe Admiral Akbars 27

7:45pm

ML
South Carolina at Auburn (-2.5)

It is looking more and more like the Gamecocks are replacing UGA and UT as the team in the East the Gators need to see lose to widen the path to Atlanta. Can Spurrier’s squad handle this new position? They struggled to beat the Purple Palladins and will have their hands full against the Plainsmen at hostile Jordan-Hare. Auburn has been the lucky version of Notre Dame this year, playing their last two games down to the wire, and coming out on top both times. This really is a huge game. If either team wants aspirations for Atlanta, they must take home a W. Both teams are relying on freshman tailbacks to take the pressure off their mercurial quarterbacks. I think this is a coin flip, but weird things happen at Jordan-Hare. Auburn nighttime ju-ju and another late kick by Wes Byrum will put the Tigers on top.

Cocksmen 20
Plainsmen 23

CB
Gamecocks 21
Tigers 20

EGM
Cocks 17
Plainsmen 16

8:00pm

EGM
Oregon State at Boise State (-16.5)

Its official, I’m a Boise State hater. Probably because of all the stupid ESPN “they are really GREAT” hype. I guess its more of a question of why I watch ESPN at all because I used to root for the Boises of the world. But suddenly the MSM started calling a top five team an underdog and treating them as such. Ridiculous. I’m a fan of a playoff so every year that a good team gets dissed I celebrate the worldwide five minutes of hate for the BCS. So hopefully, Boise keeps getting shipped to the Fiesta Bowl.

As for the game, I saw the Beavs in the opener against TCU and they looked pretty average. Boise is not average and will steamroll the Beavs into their blue turf. Hopefully, that means we don’t have to here “upstart”, “underdog”, “fledgling” Boise talk for three months after this.

No hype 17
HYPE – BUDWEISER HOT SEAT STYLE! 38

ML
The Jerry Mathers 7
Public Enemy #1 34

CB
Beavers 13
Blue Field 30

9:00pm

EGM
West Virginia at LSU (-6.5)

I watched Wva play once this year and they had to score three touches in the 4q to tie the game. Lsu lines to blow leads of that size but their run defense is just too good for wva to make any magic happen. Lsu will have trouble scoring but they'll get just enough

Mountaineers 10
Tigers 21

ML
‘Neers 13
Tigers 26

CB
WVU 10
LSU 24

EGM
Vanderbilt – OFF

What site do dorks frequent? Whatever it is, they better up their server capacity this weekend.

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK III

2010-09-16T11:33:00.002-05:00

El Gran Mono
Well, last week was certainly what I thought it would be...at least with respect to Alabama vs. Penn State. Despite a pretty good slate on paper, Michigan-ND was the only decent game from beginning to end. Florida made things very interesting by going with their now patented "try to look crap for as long as possible but still win" offense. Until the mid-third quarter, USF was very much in the game and appeared to be the better team. I'd love to say the Gators will bounce back this week but I'm starting to feel like this team will consistently be raising my blood pressure all season long (with a possible coronary incident whilst watching Michigan trample the Gators in the Outback Bowl once again). I digress... This week doesn't have much to offer other than Arky-UGA and the formerly decent matchup of UF-UT. How many straight is it? On to the picks...

Malt Licker
Not feeling particularly joyful, for a number of reasons, but it’s the eve of Week 3 and time to trudge through another edition of the Bourbon Boys. Word on the street is that EGM has to attend a wedding in the midst of our game against the Vols. Thank god for smart phones, they can help one get through stupid planning by others. Several big games last week, but the middle of the road games were the most exciting. Maybe that means this week’s underwhelming slate will be packed with big games. RIP LH!

Cuzzin Bailey
Is it possible that Chris Rainey meant to text something else, thereby predictive texting turned helpful “Time to DIET” into angry “Time to Die”? Maybe she was a load of a lady? Let’s hope so, for his sake, of course if it was the former, he would have been in big trouble with her anyways! In other news, another great example of some pollsters being completely full of shit, the Gators have won for the second straight week, and yet we have dropped in the polls for the second straight week. I get that we played like junk in the first half, but they turned it around big time and got zero respect for that. Also, I saw that Oregon jumped over us for beating up on Tennessee. So, does that mean that if we kick the Vols ass this week we will jump back in front? Of course not! If we win huge, all that will do is solidify UT remaining on the downside of a 5 year long slump. So the paradox lies in what to do with Oregon. If we win, it will make their rank jumping victory less of a big deal; and do any of you think there’s a chance the Ducks will drop in the rankings? NOT A CHANCE. What about Boise State? Their “marquee win” just wound up meaning absolutely nothing. Va-Tech lost to James Freaking Madison (that’s his actual middle name). Everyone was saying how bad it would be for the Hokies to start 1-1; now it’s gotta be a crisis in Blacksburg. On the flip side, Bama beat Penn State pretty handily and Ohio State destroyed Miami, guess those ranking spots were accurate. Still, I remember the good ol’ days when you won and didn’t get leapfrogged by some west coast chump team. Sorry for the ranting, got a shitty call from a jerk of a telemarketer today…We’re all thinking about you H-town. If you want more: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey

12:00pm

EGM
Arkansas at Georgia (-2)

After watching the Dawgs flounder against the Cock defense, its hard to believed they are favored over Arkansas. I guess the linesmakers think Arkansas can't stop UGA because they will certainly score themselves. This game was a shootout last year and a likely outcome. I'll take Richt over Petrino any day of the week in an evenly matched game. I like UGA's chances even more given the game is b'teen the hedges. I look for UGA's frosh QB to have a similar game to Fiery Joe Cox's monster effort last year.

Arky 28
UGA 31

ML
Hogs 27
Dogs 20

CB
Offensive Hawgs 32
Angry Dawgs 28

12:21pm

EGM
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-13.5)

So Ole Miss lost to D-IAA Jax State and beat hapless Tulane. Um, okay, is that supposed to give me some kind of a lean?

Both of these schools take themselves pretty serious, but in much different ways. Ole Miss fans a dedicated to perpetuating the genre of the Southern preppie/hipster hybrid. Sure, they have scruffy hair and a preworn-in hat BUT they are wearing a TIE. GET IT! They also pretend that William Faulkner is a good writer yet have read none of his books. GET IT! As for Vandy, they are dedicated to fucking up conference chi by underfunding their football program and trying to get a pass for having "smart kids". Somehow they think this is a reasonable choice. Why not join the Ivy League if you are so smart? Let me guess, they wouldn't have you?

Faux Smart 17
Faux Everything 21

ML
Vanderdork 10
Donna Martin 31

CB
‘Dores 14
Rebs 27

3:30pm

ML
Florida at Tennessee (+15)

This line is insane, I know the Quack Attack rolled over baby Simms and the rest of Dooley’s boys in Neyland, but watching Brantley gives me a Leak-y feeling. However, watching Jeff Demps gives me another feeling; deep down, that I don’t talk about at parties, a feeling that a TD is a blink away. Even with Col. Demps on our side, I’m hard pressed to pick us to cover at Gen. Neyland’s stadium.

Gators 24
Vols 13

CB
Hungry GATORS 30
Vol-nerable? 10

EGM
Gators 27
Vols 17

EGM
Alabama at Duke (+22)

This one is pretty easy. Saban shakes Cutcliffe's hand and then kicks the shit out of his team. See LSU v. Ole Miss (c. 2002)

Bamer 34
Duke 10

ML
Bamer 35
Puke 10

CB
Road Tide 34
Home Underdogs 3

7:00pm

CB
Akron at Kentucky (-24)

The Wildcats have Zips in the wire. You know sometimes I like to do some research on sports websites when I have no idea how a team has been doing and that is totally safe to say in the case of Akron. So I checked out to see what the “bloggers” on ESPN were saying. Nothing. There isn’t even a preview of the game. All I know is that Cobb from Kentucky threw, caught and rushed for a TD last weekend against the Hilltoppers and now he’s on the Heisman watch. I’d say that’s bad news for Akron…that and the fact that this game may or may not exist…

Zips 10
‘Cats 40

EGM
Zips 17
Kats 48

ML
Zips 0
Kats 30

CB
Mississippi State at LSU (-8.5)

You know, if I had looked at this game at the beginning of the season, just instinctively I would have given a big edge to LSU and just dumped on Miss State because of their terrible reputation. But now that I have seen both teams play, my opinion has changed greatly. Dan Mullen is, of course, running the same offense he ran at UF and its eerie to see. This team may not have the UF talent, but they are quick and “spread” out the field pretty well. Now the only issue is whether or not LSU’s defense is up to the challenge. Two weeks ago, the Tigers had a hard time keeping a lead on an overmatched UNC, last week the Bayou Bengals reversed roles and I’d say that’s the better side of the coin to be on; start off slow and pick it up in the second half. Miss State is no pushover like Vanderbilt though. With a QB controversy in the works in Baton Rouge, LSU can ill afford to get too far behind early to this rejuvenated Dawgs team. I really, really don’t like LSU’s possible starting QB Jarrett Lee enough that I may call for the upset in this one, maybe if there are a few cowbells at this game…

Not a Mess St 20
We gots a Mess at QB 24

EGM
Dogs 7
Tigers 20

ML
Dirty Dogs 14
Tigers 19

ML
Furman at South Carolina (OFF)

Whoo hoo, the Purple Paladins!!! As Division I-AA schools go, they are about as good as it gets. They are consistently ranked in the top 3 and have an exceedingly unique nickname. In case you were wondering, the Paladins were the foremost warriors of Charlemagne’s court. It will definitely take some medieval tactics to corral Spur-Dogs new toy. Marcus Lattimore, according to Travis Haney of the Charleston Post & Courier, gained 121 of his 182 yards rushing after contact. Look for him to be able to gain more yards before contact this week.

PPs 6
Cocks 44

CB
Fur-Traders 3
Cocks (wow, that got dirty) 45

EGM
Purple Paladins 3
Cocks 31

ML
Clemson at Auburn (-6)

Hair bowl? We have similar campuses bowl? We call our towns villages because it helps us deal with our lack of bars better bowl? Dumbass coach bowl? I can’t believe Auburn is only a six point favorite. They’ve won 13 in a row vs. Clemzon, but this is the first meeting in nearly 40 years. Did you know that Dabo & Gene finished a close second to Bo & Luke when it came to picking a name for the Duke boys?

Dabos 13
Genes 24

CB
ACC Tigers 23
SEC Tigers 32

EGM
Tigers 17
Plainsmen 20

10:30pm

CB
Iowa at Arizona (+1)
Coupla ranked teams here. I just saw a video of a huge crowd of Iowa fans pelting an opponent’s fan with open beer cans…some full, some not. I’ve seen Hawkeye fans at their “best” and therefore I was less than shocked by this mob psychosis. Iowa’s QB is a blue-collar guy that just goes out and wins games; without him, they lose at home to Northwestern so I’d say Stanzi making smart decisions (which he’s prone to do) is crucial on the road against this quick strike offense. I can’t believe I’m praising Zona’s Offense. That used to be their liability. Remember the days of 6-3 victories or 7-0 losses? I guess they’re gone. 1 total touchdown is not going to win this game, and I think that’s going to benefit the Wildcats as they like to score, its fun.

Iowa 23
Zona 24

EGM
Hawkeyes 10
Zona 17

ML
Corn 30
Cactus 22

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK II

2010-09-09T16:33:00.001-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
Ugh, that was one of the worst “first” week’s I have had in a long time. I had too much faith in out of conference opponents that usually play tough, and put even more unwise faith in some SEC teams ability to dismiss the lesser ones. Hats off to El Gran Mono for his hilarious 90210/SEC comparison last week; it was a hit all throughout Cuzzin Bailey’s world. Took the cake, one would say. “Best Bboys entry ever,” others would say. Screw You, I would say. Haha, Just kidding…dick. I’m not even gonna try to beat that in this edition. Anyways, week 2 has some seriously badass matchups that we aren’t picking, and some that we are, but regardless as the competition increases, the tension/entertainment rises exponentially, and thus begins the weeding out of potential BCS suitors! Oh yea, I just got on Twitter (something I said I’d never do), so start following me and I maybe I’ll start talking shit!
http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey

El Gran Mono
If you aren’t already aware, ESPN and the BCS have cancelled the rest of Boise State’s season. The Broncos are the de facto team to beat and if you say otherwise you are a racist. So they are good, I get it, but that doesn’t mean they deserve to play in the championship…someone, just cut my internet connection. Hopefully, my picks get through the mails fast enough for the Thursday night game.

Bring on the first real week of football! And enjoy the trifecta of the BBoys via twitter all week long.

Malt Licker
The only positive thing I can take from last week’s Gators performance is that I decided against waking up at 7 am to make the trek up 75 to watch it in person. The combination of 16 bad snaps, Addazio’s banal play-calling and the oppressive Gainesville heat may have caused me to self-combust. Speaking of conflagrations in Gainesville, how bout that Dove Outreach Center? I only took one marketing class, but something tells me the burning of the holy text of another religion is not the best way to spread the good news. There is plenty of good news this weekend. The NFL kicks off and the amateurs bring us an especially attractive slate of games. Let’s hope they can live up to Monday night’s Boise State/Va Tech matchup. At the risk of appearing heretical, I did not mind seeing both Boise and Jacksonville State win. Whatever happened to the days of being allowed to enjoy a great football game without having to consider its speculated ramifications on the BCS travesty and its effect on my team?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

7:00pm

El Gran Mono
Auburn at Mississippi St (+2)

Miss State definitely handled a subpar Memphis State last week but the Plainsmen present a much tougher conquest. Cam Newton is a behemoth with run/pass ability that should easily exploit Miss State’s porous defense. The real question is whether Auburn can stop Dan Mullen’s super spread attack. The Bulldogs appear to have found a passing game this year but I might be drawing too many conclusions from the Memphis game. Last year, they were abysmal throwing the ball and relied almost entirely on the talents on Anthony Dixon. Expect to see four star recruit Tyler Russell for at least a series or two…or perhaps all of the series. I expect a high scoring affair with Cam and Gus Malzhan covering those two points.

Plainsmen 31
Bulldogs 28

ML
The Dell Swipers 28
The Bell Ringers 20

CB
Aubarn 23
Ms. State 21

Saturday, September 11, 2010

12:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
USF at Florida (-16.5)

One word: Snaps. No, I’m not channeling West Side Story, (God that was lame) I’m talking about snapping the ball. If you can’t get that right, it screws up timing; and that was the biggest demon from last week’s UF game. Who was ever worried we were gonna lose to Miami of freaking Ohio? Not this melon farmer. But now that we are playing a team that isn’t a total joke, it is time to start getting serious. Gators said they are as focused as ever and they will need to be this week. In re: the Bulls, USF fans used to be fun and loveable, but now since they’ve had some minor success in recent history, they have become total assholes. They root against UF every chance they get and even my hometown paper is forgetting where they come from. UF and FSU fans made that freaking sportspage and now they think USF is the big game when they can’t even hold onto their loyal first headcoach?? They think they are they shit, but they aren’t and to prove it to everyone, they hired Skip Holtz…A superstar at East Carolina!! Look if UF loses this game, it won’t be because we couldn’t handle BJ Daniels or the Bulls defense was insurmountable, it will be because we played like shit again…which I don’t see happening…

Bulls are Gator Bait 13
#1 Team in Florida 33

EGM
Bulls 10
Gators 27

ML
2nd class U 13
Hutt-Hutt SHIT! 27

Malt Licker
Georgia at South Carolina (-3)

First big SEC game of the year and as always, it’s the Dawgs meeting the Cocks in a tilt to determine who has the early inside track in the SEC East. I feel like I always pick SC, and I am going to do so again. Although Aaron Murray looked good against Lou-La last week, it did little to prepare him for Williams-Brice Stadium and their passionate fans. AJ Green’s NCAA-imposed absence will make it difficult for pRicht’s boys to put points on the board, and Spur-Dog may have found an offense. A sober Stephen Garcia and talented freshman Ace Sanders give the Ol’ Ball Coach plenty of cards to play. Look for a competitive game to be decided by 2 or 3 big plays.

Shorthanded Dogs 17
Big Play Cocks 23

CB
Sell Yo Jersey 20
Throw Yo Visor 19

EGM
Dawgs 20
Cocks 21

Malt Licker
Western Kentucky at Kentucky (-24)

The Joker’s Kats held off Luh-ville last week and welcome another non-conference patsy to Lexington. Another win this week will delay the annual “refocus” to hoops. The Hilltoppers went down hard to the Huskers last week, but I do not know much else about them other than their awesome mascot, Big Red. In 1990, WKU brought an unsuccessful lawsuit against an Italian television channel owned by Silvio Berlusconi, claiming that its mascot, Gabibbo, is an exact copy of Big Red. In covering the lawsuit, the New York Times business section described Gabibbo as a “better-dressed” Big Red. I think WKU should “borrow” the name Gabibbo and use it for special occasions.

Ciao Gabibbo 6
Did he say Chow or Chaw? 34

CB
Mid-Major in Life 3
Kentucky Play Defense Now 28

EGM
Hilltoppers 9
KY 38

2:00pm

Malt Licker
LSU at Vanderbilt (+10)

I’m all out of Vander-Dork and Cajun jokes, so I’m actually going to write about the game. LSU narrowly escaped last week against a depleted UNC. Watching them barely hold on, thanks to two drops in the last 10 seconds by the Zack Pianalto, the Tar Heel tight end, I realized that Les Miles is a lucky version of the Zooker. Think about it. They share the same confused expression on the sideline, the same incoherent disjointed responses to interviews, and the same ability to recruit. However, Les was kissed by an angel. He loses two games and advances to the BCS title game and the Zooker is famous for a website calling for his termination the same day he was hired. If the Zooker were coaching that game, the ball Pianalto missed would have bounced off his shoulder pads into the belly of an offensive guard, who would then pirouette around a linebacker for the clinching score.

Still Lucky 34
Still Dorky 14

CB
Tigers Can’t Close (sorta) 27
Vandy Can’t Score (enough) 13

EGM
Tigers 34
Vandy 17

7:00pm

El Gran Mono
Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas (-34)

LaMo can’t stop the run or the pass. Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius. This won’t turn out well.

Warhawks 0
Arky 63

ML
Warhawks (Formerly Indians) 3
Hawgs 45

CB
First Game, ruh roh 10
Western Step-Child No More 50

Cuzzin Bailey
Oregon at Tennessee (+12)

The Ducks wiped the floor with their preseason opponent last week, tuning up New Mexico 72-0. Derek Dooley’s scumbag Volunteers outgunned Tennessee-Martin 50-0. So this week at least one defense is gonna finally be scored upon and let’s break this down a bit. Sure Oregon is traveling across the country to play in Neyland Stadium, but they are No. 11 in the nation. This isn’t some second rate high school team from some backwoods Tennessee town like Clarksville (that’s in Montgomery County). I like the Ducks offense to not skip a beat after losing the criminal Masoli to the Rebels. Giving the Vols 12 seems like an awful lot, and that’s what makes this pretty difficult. I think if Oregon can take the crowd out of it early (and we’ve all seen that happen) send them packing back to their trailer parks to drink ‘shine and beat their wives, this could get out of hand…

DUCK Hillbilly! 28
Here comes the back of my hand! 24

EGM
Ducks 34
Vols 24

ML
Attackin’ Quackers 24
Vol Defense 19

El Gran Mono
Penn State at Alabama (-10.5)

Lots of Penn State faithful here in the DC area, therefore, I’m constantly getting an earful of their nonsense. Running the ball, blah blah, strong defense, blah blah, tradition, blah blah. Those same fans are about to meet a team who actually uses those aspects of the game to win championships. Bama lost a number of stud players from last year, but they are still sporting a stud offensive/defensive line along with Mark Ingram, Trent Richardson, and Julio Jones. Its doubtful that Ingram will play, but with Richardson taking the bulk of the carries the Tide won’t lose a step. Penn State will be starting a frosh Qb and I expect they will be completely shut down. On the other side of the coin, Penn State might stop Bama for awhile but their defense will eventually get tired. This could get really ugly in the second half…

Nittany Lions 3
Bama 34

ML
Plain White Helmets 13
Almost Plain Red Helmets 24

CB
Frosh QBs Come to Die 17
Don’t Need Ingram 28

9:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
Ole Miss at Tulane (+21)

I don’t know much about Tulane, but after last week, how is it even possible that this spread is so high? They HAVE to be better than Jax State right? Still I don’t think anyone thinks that the Rebels are as bad as it last week’s game would make them seem. That was one of those flukey scenarios where they got up big early and then just fell asleep at the wheel. Now if they were a top tier team, no way Ole Miss lets that happen, but still they aren’t total junk…right? I mean what was with the switching out the QBs like that, I mean they just won a huge legal battle getting the convict on the field, let him flash his shit! This ain’t Shaun King’s Tulane team. That being said, they barely squeaked by Southeastern Louisiana last week. Ole Miss’ loss was an aberration, that win was up to speed with the Green Wave’s capabilities. I hate the points, but the Rebel Alliance may be looking to impress some folks and torture a weaker opponent…

Revenge the Loss, Party Later 35
Hey man, we’re just HERE to Party 13

EGM
Rebs 38
Green Wave 20

ML
We Lose to Jax State 30
We Lose to Everyone 10

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK I

2010-09-02T14:21:00.006-05:00

Malt Licker

An article from Pat Dooley in this week’s Sun reminds us that it was only 20 years ago when the University of Florida was still searching for its first official conference title. Now, 8 SEC Championships, 3 national championships, and 2 Heisman Trophy winners later, we find ourselves once again in the preseason top 5. Hard to believe. I’ll take another twenty years like the previous twenty, but I know Urb’s hell bent on topping it. Will that desire lead us to unprecedented heights, or Meyer’s early retirement? Perhaps both. Barring injury, this week will have no bearing on the rest of the season. The entire slate throughout the conference is a steaming pile of crap.

Cuzzin Bailey

As I sit here having a few Tecate beers, a few things come to mind. 1) Do they use Mexican water to make this beer? If so, this may be a short contribution by the Cuz; 2) Is there any more an exciting time then the first College Football week? Finally, all of the speculation and the off-season stories can be resolved and matters may be settled on the field. The smell of bourbon and burgers in the air that comes stock with SEC football; 3) Other than being ranked in the top 5 by the AP and Coaches, the Gators seem to flying WAY under the radar compared to the past few years, and I must say, I love this; and 4) Am I the only one that can’t wait for Va Tech to kick the shit out of Boise State? It is oh so important that the Hokies take care of business this week, because if they do not, the Broncos have a cake walk schedule into Glendale, AZ at the end of the season. I just looked at their schedule and other than V-Tech, the toughest game they have is against Oregon State, which, I know, isn’t exactly easy. They play teams others schedule as pre-season games. Anyways, I’m sure it will all work out in the end, but I figured I would express my concerns immediately with all of you. Well, I hope yall aren’t looking for anything too in-depth this week as I have no idea what to expect, but hell hardly any of these games matter…SO let’s do this and GO GATORS!

El Gran Mono
Football is back!! And on 9/02/10 no less. In honor of my favorite TV show, lets go through a who's who in the SEC this year.

Bama - Brandon Walsh - Consistent, polished look. Annoyingly good. When they make mistakes, they are big mistakes. Drunk driving accidents, paying players, gambling with bookies (and having your boss pay them off), hiring player's fathers, sleeping with their professor's wife, coaches sleeping with their secretary, calling your recent ex a lesbian, firing your coach for having their picture taken with a stripper.

Florida - Brenda Walsh - Can look really hot when firing on all cylinders. At times, nothing can get in the way of saving animals, winning Nat'l Champsionships, and getting Dylan McKay back - not even FBI stings, Kelly Taylor, or the Alabama defense/Oklahoma offense. However, also prone to being a hothead leading to poor results - extreme spread against good defenses, marrying Stuart to piss Jim McKay off, failure to tackle against Bama, and moving in with Dylan at age 16.

Georgia - Kelly Taylor - Attractive and well groomed but full of lingering doubts. Whether its inability to communicate with a wayward father, self-image problems (despite weighing 100lbs with a smoking body), or the sense of impending doom before the annual loss to a hated rival.

LSU - Dylan McKay - Always a wild card. Despite winning Nat'l Championships or riding high on a $10 million trust fund, a coke/heroine/hooker depression fest or 7-5 season is never far away. Also, very dangerous, may throw batteries/glassware at opposing fans, ride/work on motorcycles, drink to extreme excess, or pull firearms on friends.

South Carolina - David Silver - Mildly talented but can't get over the hump. Penchant for winning the high school talent show and recruiting well but when it comes to rising to the top, it never seems to happen. Sure, you can go 6-0 or play backup keyboard for Babyface but you always end up with four losses and a Friday night sexless date with Donna Martin.

Ole Miss - Donna Martin - Poor clothing choices, worse grooming, and an inclination for false appearances. Perceived as wholesome, but in reality just trust funded morons who think they are way better than they are (see firing of Cutcliffe, attempt to become fashion designer).

Arkansas - Valerie Malone - Curvy and dangerous with lots of fast receivers and a strong armed QB. Extremely potent, but hollow inside. Lots of demons, whether its from killing their sexually abusive father, firing their most successful coach, or blowing fourth quarter leads in big games. Always hating/loving their home town (SWC or Buffalo).

Tennesssee - Nat Bussichio - Lots of succcess in the past but always on the brink of collapse. The Peach Pit can be thriving hangout for celebrities or it can be bankrupt the next day because of a decision to install a Karoke machine (Win SEC East one year, go 6-6 the next year).

Auburn - Steve Sanders - Always second fiddle despite a pretty good track record. You drive a new Corvette at all times, become President of your fraternity, go undefeated twice, and constantly compete for the conference title yet no one seems to respect you. Maybe its the haircut or three nicknames?

Kentucky - Ray Pruitt - Always talking about "your world", be it management of a pumpkin patch, working construction or winning basketball games. Evil at heart - i.e. - domestic abuse, Calipari...

Vanderbilt - Andrea Zuckerman-Vazquez - Ugly, irritating, perceived as smart. Everyone can't wait for them to leave.

Missisippi State - Jesse Vazquez - Lawyer, member of prestigous conference. Lots of losing, marriage to ugly, self-involved woman. Appearances can be deceptive...

You can follow EGM's rants all week long on Twitter: @elgranmono1865

September 2, 2010

Malt Licker
Southern Miss at South Carolina (-14) 7:30pm

It would be wrong to follow up my intro without bowing down to the Ol’ Ball Coach. Since the ‘Cocks might be the biggest competition for the Gators in the East, I’ll need to get it out of my system. Soon, he will be the enemy. The Cocks kickoff the season on a Thursday yet again, this time against a talented squad from Southern Miss. Rumor has it Stephen Garcia is on the wagon, but he can be DC-era Cuzzin’ Bailey hammered this week, as Spur-Dog’s experienced defensive front will take advantage of the Eagles young offensive line and shut out Favre’s boys from Hattiesburg.

Golden Iggles 0
G-Cocks 23

CB
Suthun Mess 13
Sorth Carolina 26

EGM

Golden Eagles - 14
Cocks - 31

September 4, 2010

12:00pm

Malt Licker
Miami (OH) at Florida (-35)

I’ve considered not writing about any games we play against our September sub-standard competition, as a silent protest. I don’t know if our circulation is expansive enough to generate much of a fuss in Foley’s office, so tell your friends about us! The Red Hawks Zac Dysert is supposed to be the top QB in the MAC, which is sort of like being the whitest dude in Somalia. I know Gators are excited for the John Brantley era to begin, but really, it will be exactly like all of his previous appearances. He’ll be lighting up another overmatched secondary.

Redmen 3
UF 54

CB
Meeami de Ohio 7
FLORIDA GATORS! 54

EGM
Redmen 6
Gators 48

12:20pm

Malt Licker
Louisiana-Lafayette at Georgia (-28)

Lou-La vs. Jawja. The Ragin’ Cajuns arrive in Athens, who can finally lay claim to the #1 ranking in something, partying. No doubt Mike “Temperence” Brown lit up Bernie Macheninajad’s phone line to find out how to lower their ranking. Did you know the Cajun’s mascot is an anthromorphic cayenne pepper with the rather unimaginative name of….Cayenne.

Creole U 6
Dawgs 31

CB
LA-Laf 6
Jawga 50

EGM
Rajin' Cajunz 13
UGA 31

3:30pm

El Gran Mono
Jacksonville State at Ole Miss (NL)
No Masoli. Those two words might sum up the Rebs season. Although, whatever hack Ole Miss comes up with to start may not be much worse than hyper-average Jevan Snead from a year ago. The biggest loss to overcome for the Rebels will be Dexter McCluster. He was basically their entire offense. When they were using him 30 times a game, they looked very good. When they were trying the traditional offense with an average back and Jevan Snead "breaking down" defenses, they looked very bad. I like Nutt. Not so much for his coaching prowess but for his enthusiam. He always seems to have good teams even though they look crappy on paper. Maybe he'll pull another Matt Jones out of a hat. I refuse to discuss a game involving Jax (not in FL) State.

Jax St 7
Rebs 48

ML
The Nicer Jacksonville State University 9
Ole Piss 41

CB
Jax State 10
Ole Miss 40

El Gran Mono
Kentucky at Louisville (+3.5)
In years past, Louisville was always the better team in this game. All of that changed when Steve Kragthorpe took that program into a death spiral.

KY's new coach Joker Phillips inherits a pretty decent offense except for an inexperienced line. Randall Cobb is one of the best players in the SEC and I'm sure Joker will try to get him involved early and often. That should be the difference between these two teams.

Kats 24
Cards 20

ML
Joker’s Kats 27
Charlie’s Cards 20

CB
Ky Sluts 23
Louisville Sluggah 32

6:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee (NL)
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, leave it to an ass like Lane Kiffin to make martyrs out of Al Davis and Tennessee. For a brief moment, my “I told you so” attitude to the Vols’ fans subsided to actual sympathy for letting themselves get played by that grifter. He and his dad, Monte, are such sell-out scumbags and yes I remember what the elder did for the Bucs, but now he is dead to me. In regards to UT, they have hired another son with an infamous father. Vince Dooley is the biggest POS the SEC ever saw. When he wasn’t busy paying off Hershel Walker he was rallying the other SEC ADs to screw over UF in the 80s. He single handedly cost the Gators 2 SEC and at least 1 National Championship. That’s a hell of a way to make a name for yourself. Now Dooley’s kid is the HC at UT and he brings his .500 record at La-Tech to the SEC. I would call it the shortest stint as a head coach in this league, but Lame pretty much made that impossible to match. In regards to the game, you’re looking at a straight up walkover. Sure the Vols lost Bryce Brown but they have plenty of thugs with guns to replace him.

T-Martin (not Tee Martin) 10
We like Hiring Son’s of Scum 45

EGM
Tenn-Martin 7
Vols 38

ML
Skyhawks 6
Jilted Vols 34

7:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee Tech at Arkansas (NL)
Back in December, on a layover, we ran into the Razorbacks at the Peabody in Memphis. Bobby Petrino was everything he has been billed out to be, a total dick. That doesn’t mean he has a shitty team though. They are tough, and have brought back Ryan Mallet, who the experts predict to have a great year. He’s the best, most experienced QB in the SEC and that means Arkansas with make a serious run at the SEC West this year. This game has nothing to do with that. Stock warm up game versus…Tennessee Tech…Seriously, what does the Tech stand for hahahahaha!

Technical Knock Out 6
Arkansizzle 50

EGM
Tenn Tech 10
Hawgs 58

ML
Formerly Dixie College 6
Formerly in Southwest Conference 49

El Gran Mono
San Jose at Alabama (-38.5)
Did you hear Mark Ingram was hurt? Ok, just making sure. I think ESPN actually published the results of his MRI. Its an easy/non-controversial story that allows their panoply of shitty talking heads to over speculate about a non-existing problem. Why non-existing? Because they are playing San Jose State at home and Trent Richardson is probably the second best back in the SEC.

SJS 3
Bama 49

ML
Not Costa Rica 0
Not going undefeated 31

CB
San Hosay 0
Bammer 40

Cuzzin Bailey
Arkansas State at Auburn (-31)
Let me be clear, I totally hate Auburn, they are the bane of my SEC life. They host us in that rat-town of theirs, they always win by 1 or 2 or 3 or some small margin; they come to UF and upset a perfectly great season. If you ever find yourself in cow country aka the Plains, don’t fall for their phony charm. They are lying through their tooth about how they just want “y’all to take it easy on us.” It drives me crazy, its like they all take a class on how to faux-humility. Anyways, my point is, I always kind of liked Tommy Tuberville. Sure he coached these punks, and sure he dissed Ole Miss for a team in his own division, but at least he was wild and crazy. Gene Chizik is neither wild, nor crazy and coaches pretty well. And to make matters worse, he’s a Gator. A personality-less, Gator, coaching the enemy; two out of three does this guy in. Arkansas-State is leading the Sun Belt Conference this week simply because of alphabetical order. They finished 4-8 last year and aren’t lined up to do much better…should be a sleeper in crap-town USA.

Ark-State 13
Aw-Barn 45

EGM
Arky State 7
Plainsmen 41

ML
Lobos Rojo 3
Plainsmen 52

El Gran Mono
Memphis at Mississippi State (-21.5)
Its pretty hard to believe that Miss State is a 21+ point favorite over any D-IA team. I guess Dan Mullen deserves some props for that alone. Speaking of Mullen, I imagine that his system should be better implemented this year resulting in a pulse rate of somewhere around 50 as opposed to near flatlining levels a year ago.

Cannon Smith (former Cane) should start for Memphis. I doubt that makes a difference.

Memphis State 10
Dawgs 28

ML
Memph St 10
Mess St 34

CB
‘Frica 14
NO MORE COWBELL 30

7:30pm

Malt Licker
Northwestern at Vanderbilt (+5.5)

It’s the battle of overmatched private douche universities who should probably join the Ivy League! Vanderdork lost a good coach to an unexpected retirement and will probably languish at the bottom of the nation’s best conference for another century. Meanwhile, Pat Fitzgerald took over for Randy Walker and is trying to lead NU to their third consecutive bowl. The ‘Dores lost 26 lettermen and will have trouble covering against the Cats, even at home.

Evanston U 24
Nashville U 14

CB
North Smarts 23
South Smarts 19

EGM
NW 28
Vandy 17

8:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
LSU v. North Carolina (at Atlanta) (LSU -3)
Game of the Week! Well, actually we didn’t discuss that, but this is definitely supposed to be the best game involving the SEC. Think of it in Spaghetti Western terms: if this were The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, this would be Clint Eastwood. UNC has the misfortune of currently being investigated by the NCAA for recruiting violations and academic fraud. And because some of the guys on the current roster have yet to be cleared by the Gestapo, if they play in any games and are then found to be ineligible, they games they participated in will be forfeited. Butch “the Cheat” Davis doesn’t have the stones to play guys like that. Meanwhile LSU is probably wondering how much longer they are gonna let Les Miles do nothing with such talent. The Tigers have been starting off slow these past few years, and the Tar Heels are supposed to have a great Defense (maybe the best in the country) and that will certainly cause problems for LSU and QB Jordan Jefferson (standard LSU player, loads of talent but not proven). I guess its just a good thing that white redneck ain’t behind center anymore…But regardless of how much I dislike these tigers, I’m still rooting for the SEC here. Hopefully they have a guy with a Cajun name to make fun of this season. This just in…UNC’s Marvin Austin has been suspended and the Heels may be playing IronMan this weekend HAHA!…Just made my decision a little be easier.

Tigahs 24
TahHeels 17

EGM
Cajuns 28
Tarheels 13

ML
Tiguhz 23
Heeyulz 21

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC -- CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION

2009-12-04T13:59:00.004-06:00

There’s only one game that matters to the Bourbon Boys this week. This is what we’ve been waiting for all year…its the SEC CHAMPIONSHIP! Let’s all hope for a good clean game that with zero discussion about the refs when its all over. On to the picks!!

12/5/09

4:00pm SEC Championship Game @ the Georgia Dome

Alabama v. Florida -6

Cuzzin Bailey
Since I have been studying so much lately, time hasn’t lent itself very much for thought about the game, so I guess I’ll start now. I have diligently watched both teams with the hope for this matchup, and now that I have it I’m not sure what to do about it. I will tell you that Tebow is a difference maker. I know that’s about as cliché as mentioning that he’s a big God boy, and roommates with Riley “the Hair” Cooper, but its so true. He IS our “3rd-and-anything” guy, he IS the one that makes something out of nothing, and he IS the best QB/athlete on the field in almost every game he plays. Bama’s Defense is outstanding. They are holding teams down with their smothering run D and linebacker play, but I think their secondary is a bit susceptible to blow coverage. I really have to throw the Auburn game out. The Tigers had nothing but trickeration going their way for the first 15-20 minutes, and after that they accomplished very little. On the flip side, UF’s defense is also their complete strength. Strong LBs and a solid line makes for the perfect recipe for stopping the run, which is HUGE this weekend. I have to think if we can minimize the damage caused by Richardson and Ingram, and put the weight of the game on the shoulders of Greg McElroy, the Gators have a great chance of winning this game again. Look for UF’s secondary to be the game changers if Bama looks to pass too early. That being said, the Tide’s QB looked pretty poised on that last drive to beat War Eagle last week, I guess its just a matter of not giving him ANY options with the run game. Also, I’m sure that Ingram is pretty “healthy” and will certainly play Saturday, but I am a little curious just how healthy he is…I wouldn’t be surprised if they were downplaying that hip-pointer all week just to keep UF on its toes. Either way, Richardson is a solid back and has certainly commanded attention in the Gator practices, (so that was probably just my journalistic instinct curious about Ingram). I guess when it comes down to it, I’m glad we have Tim Tebow, I’m glad there are so many haters out there, and I look for the haters’ hatred to grow exponentially come Saturday evening…

BAMA 17
FLORIDA 24

El Gran Mono
After a long year of stupid incidents and shitty playcalling, its finally time to decide the king of the SEC. Timmy and the Gators offense have regressed since a year ago and its not just the loss of Murphy and Harvin causing the problems. Tebow's release is ridiculously slow this year and his dcision making is even slower. Steve Addazio has attempted to avoid those problems by calling an excessive number of Brandon James screen passes and straight QB keepers. That said, the past two weeks we've seen more of the helter skelter style where Tebow is running more zone read and underneath passing plays. If the Gators make a commitment to pass on first down, they should have no problem exploiting an overrated Bama secondary. Bama will stuff anything vanilla that the Gators try to run.

As for the Tide, I've heard a lot of "they just like to play conservative" and "Saban likes to run" this week. Actually, if you look a some past LSU teams, Saban tends to go with whatever he has (including Rohan Davey chucking the ball around 40 times a game). The Tide have a good run blocking OL and some stud backs. They also have a shitty pass blocking OL and a QB who is very limited. At the beginning of the year, I thought McElroy was better than JPW. But as the season has gone along I've realized that he doesn't even have that small amount of playmaking ability that JPW.

Both defenses are great but UF's is more talented, they have only been fazed by a strong arm QB with the ability to throw the long routes to the corner. Bama will not be able to exploit that area. Bama will be lucky to score 10 points. Florida will score at least 17.

Tide rolling into New Orleans 6
Gatorwalking to Pasadena 20

Malt Licker
I can’t believe the regular season is already over, boy that flew by. After a most enjoyable Thanksgiving weekend, my stomach is in knots over this game verses Alabama. Mr. Dunlap added unneeded drama and distraction with his DUI. If only he were sober and being chased by a leggy Swede with a 3-iron. The ATL must be awash with Bama bangs and houndstooth caps. Hopefully the SEC will at least give us 45% of the tickets this year. As far as the game is concerned, I expect a slog-fest. If, and it’s a big if, our defense can shut down the running game, we could win in double figures. However, I see Bama being able to string a drive or two together, and that is all their defense will need to keep this close. In the end, I have to think Tebow will be able to make 3 or 4 big plays to lead us to a cover, and on the road to Pasadena.

Crimson Tide 13
Fightin’ Gators 20

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Turkey Week - Belated Version

2009-12-01T07:51:00.000-06:00

Cuzzin Bailey
I’m not going to mince words here this week. I am totally jacked about this week and the slate of games is only half the reason. I love Thanksgiving. And to make this week even better, I back in my hometown, I have a special guest visiting and, hell, the games are awesome! I’m not going to go so far as to say I’m disappointed that I’m missing Tebow’s last game in the Swamp, as I have seen his magic first hand, but I am aware of this situation. Its not an easy realization to miss. From the fans who love him, to the “haters” who loath him, this is Tebow’s last couple of games as a Gator player, and that means something to everyone. Personally, I love that people hate him. If someone looked at his accomplishments and life from an outside point of view, those who despise him would look like those the fools they are…Anyways, as worried as I am about the future, I am totally capable of looking back on the last 4 years with happiness, and realizing that while I may never see another player like TT, nor see the dominance he has lead us to, I will still be a Gator fan and I think my worry will soon turn to excitement in the months to come…

Malt Licker
Favorite week of the year!!! Sign me up for any holiday that combines beer, football, food, beer, friends, family and beer. Not to mention golf with friends, four straight days off, and the (now-routine) destruction of the Florida State Seminoles by the Florida Gators. If Bowden comes back next year, Urban could probably get away with playing Tebow again. I’ll be heading north to say goodbye to the greatest senior class in UF history.

El Gran Mono
I am a loser who forgot to write his column and then bury his co-writers brilliant thoughts. Twenty lashes with a wet noodle and 0fer the week for me.

November 27, 2009
Alabama at Auburn (+11.5), 2:30
ML
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarn Bowl!!!! I think I get this game every year and start it the same way. Tons of fun. Can the Plainsmen ruin the Tide’s perfect season? Last year ‘Bama Bessemer-ed the Tigers 36-0, and will face a hostile crowd at Jerrdan-Hare. Will Aub’s fans pull the faux-humility act that CB hates so much with their cross-state rivals? Something tells me they don’t even try that shit this week. Ben Tate and Onterrio will need to get it done on the ground for War Eagle to pull off the upset. Interesting note: Bama only has a 6 game edge in the series; they’ll bump it up to 7

Tiiiiide 27
Tiiiigers 7

CB
Drop the HAMMER 22
BURRRRNED 10

November 28, 2009

Clemson at South Carolina +3, 12:00
ML
Hate week!!!! These two schools despise each other. Spur-dog vs. Dabo seems like an epic mismatch; although Clemzon enjoys an edge in talent, particularly on offense. CJ Spiller will probably get an invite to New York for the Heisman ceremony and SC must contain him if they want to take down the Tigers. In recent years, it seems like the underdog team usually wins. I don’t need much reason to bet against Dabo.

Howard’s Rock 13
Spurrier’s Cock 20

CB
Tigahs 25
Cawks 27

12:21pm

Ole Miss at Mississippi State +7, 12:21
EGM
Uhhhh

CB
Stoked Rebs 35
Spread Dawgs 10

ML
Ole Egg 23
Dirty Town 10

Florida State at Florida -23, 3:30
CB
How lucky am I? As you read earlier, I have my thoughts about TT, and how fitting that his (and all the Seniors’) last game is against the hated Criminoles! Being from St Pete, I grew up with plenty of FSU “fans.” These were total front-runner bastards. Half the kids who used to tease me for being a Gator wound up going to UF and seeing them at the games made me sick. I don’t forget names/faces. Some guys call me the “Judge” for a reason. Its not cause I’m an aspiring attorney, its cause if you wrong me, I don’t forget. For the record, you CANNOT root for FSU and ridicule Gator fans, and THEN act like it never happened. Okay…I hope you can tell that I have a lot of feelings riding on this game. Speaking of which, I will mention a few things. Meyer got emotional about the Seniors this week. IF you think for a SECOND that the Gators are looking ahead, and aren’t fired up for this one, then you need to check your football smarts at the door. This Florida team is one of the most emotion driven teams I have ever seen, and I am LOVING this spread. I know the Gators can and probably will do whatever it takes to run this Semi team into the ground. I’m only a fan….and I am ready to take a head off…

F*cking Sucks University 13
FLORIDA! 45

ML
Senile Coach 9
Emotional Coach 34

EGM
Uhhh…

Miami at South Florida OFF, 3:30
CB
I’m in town and part of me wants to go to this game just to see the dichotomy of fans present. HAHA I’m just getting excited thinking about it. On the one hand, you have the Canes fans. There are 3 types of UM fans. 1) The actual Grad. That dude is so coked out of his head, he doesn’t even realize that Larry Coker (haha) is no longer the coach; 2) The Hispanic Gang Member. Does this guy even care about the game? Look, as long as his hat’s brim is flat, and it matches his jersey and shoes, he’s at the game, smoking a spliff; 3) the White Kid. Sure this guy thinks cause his hat is new, and the sticker is still on it, he’s gonna hang with number 2. He wrong. That kid is the one getting his ass kicked. Save him. Oh yea, there’s two kinds of USF fan. 1) Joe Alumni. He went to USF long before football was just a glint in some drunk Chancellor’s eye. But now he goes to every game diligently praying for the Bulls to be as good as the other big dogs in the State. That day isn’t far off apparently. And now 2) Johnny “just bought my ticket.” This kid grew up an obnoxious FSU fan. Now he goes to the games just to see how effed up the coeds can get at Raymond James Stadium…can you really blame this guy? Regarding the game, I have to think if UM plays as tough as they can play, it should be a 2 touchdown margin. But I just have this feeling that USF is going to treat this game like its more than just a …well a shitty end of the year game…but not that great of a feeling.

Drugs 23
Less Boutique Drugs 22

ML
scUM 31
Cant get into scUM 27

EGM
Uhhhhh

Tennessee at Kentucky +3.5, 7:00
ML
Bring back the Beer Barrel!!!! We should hear this echoing throughout Lexington until the douchebag university presidents and athletic directors bring back the trophy. The Kats are riding high after their first win in Athens since ’77 and hope to score their first win over UT since ’84. Richie Brooks looks to move UK to 8-4 with a win over Kiffie-kins. I don’t know about you, but I wish our coach was cool enough to knock our players over after big plays against fucking Vanderbilt.

Kiffy-douche 14
Coach of the year 20

CB
Mash 26
Bourbon 20

EGM
Uhhhh

Arkansas at LSU -3.5, 7
CB
Oh man, if I have the gumption I would just got through a few email chains I have been a part of this week and insert that shit here to explain how hilarious last weeks LSU game was, and how much it has made all of us non-Tiger fans be able to breath a sigh of relief so that now the whole world is privy to the nonsense that has be flowing out of the Baton Rouge for the past 3 years. Whether it be succeeding on 4 – 4th and whatevers against UF in 07; the Auburn endzone score, or countless other Les Miles “miracles,” it was about time that joker’s luck ran out. And to me, it was perfectly fitting that it happened against Ole Miss, on that weekend. Now the Bayou Bengals have to contend with a Razorback team that has about as much to play for as Notre Dame. A few years ago and this could be a battle for the Gator Bowl…shit, next year (when the SEC links back up with the Jax bowl it just might be). I could easily see the LSU players watch Miles’ post-game new conference and question his loyalty this week. I mean hell, the guy totally sold out his QB for spiking the ball at the end of the game when it was HE who was signaling him to do so. But while being interviewed, Les said, “I don’t know why he clocked it.” As in, he messed up…not me. I can’t believe this guy is making Bobby Petrino look like a stand up guy. The “Hat” has run out of magic, and if any player in that locker doesn’t think he’s just a scumbag looking for a better job, then I pity the fool…

Good time to be on your “Back” 29
“Les” Keep this under our Hats 17

ML
Looking for win #8 27
Looking for a non-mongoloid coach 24

EGM
uhhhh

8:00pm
Georgia at Georgia Tech -7.5, 8:00
EGM
Uhhhh
ML
Rotting Uga 14
Stinging Option 30

CB
Jawga 22
Run, Run, Run, maybe Pass 34

Vanderbilt – Bye Week
EGM
Uhhhhh

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week XII

2009-11-19T22:41:00.002-06:00

El Gran Mono
After a whirlwind voyage to Columbia last weekend, things have gone on high alert for both the Gator offense and the world of civil litigation. To say the least, neither of them is very fun to watch. To make things worse, this week in football completely blows. It was nice of the NCAA to add a 12th game so all of the big name teams could tune up against the Sun WAC Belt.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
I know you all have been waiting for the Mississippi State/Arkansas game all year, but try and keep it down. This weekend’s highlight game is in Oxford, MS. The Rebs are favored as the mighty Bayou Bengals come into town and I know its gonna be electric. Its definitely football weather up there, and hopefully the chandeliers in the Grove will be rattling from all the noise after the Rebels pound the Tigers. On a completely different subject, I hope you all have been diligently watching the WWII documentary series on History Channel this week. A good friend of mine recommended it on Facebook and I haven’t been able to turn it off since. Anyways the top teams in the SEC have virtual bye weeks before their end of the year rivalries, and even those two games next week aren’t nearly as important as the one the week after that! Still lots to accomplish and take care of before the SEC Championship Game, starting with these scrimmages…

Malt Licker
It’s mid November, and that means its time for a visit to Cupcake City for the Gators. Maybe we’ll actually score more than 30 this week. All bitterness aside, I think the Gator Nation needs to calm down. Urban and his boys have won 20 in a row, and this senior class is on the cusp of a 3rd SEC and National Title. With that said, it would be nice to see Tebow look at someone other than his roommate on a streak and A-Hern on a shovel. Anyway, I loved the reunion with EGM and others in Columbia. After 96 hours, I have finally enjoyed a solid bowel movement….

Chattanooga at Alabama (NL), 12:20pm
EGM
TO went to Chattanooga. He no longer plays there. If you are interested in anything remotely related to “Chattanooga” this weekend, then I suggest you read a book about the battle.

University of Tennessee AT Chattanooga 0
Bamer 45

CB
Nooooooooooga 3.2
Bama! 51

ML
Mocs 2
Tide 41

Mississippi State at Arkansas (-10.5), 12:21pm
ML
Speaking of Bowel Movements, MSU heads up the road to Arky-saw in the battle to stay out of the SEC West cellar. The Bulldogs may be looking ahead toward the battle of the Golden Egg, and the state of Arkansas may be looking ahead toward a 50% literacy rate! It seems like the Hawgs have a ton more talent. They should roll….

Doggies 14
Hoggies 34

EGM
Dawgs 13
Hawgs 31

CB
Ugh, Starkville 17
Ugh, Fayetteville 28

FIU at Florida (-43.5), 12:30pm
CB
I was going to talk about this game metaphorically by referencing some of the Battles I saw on TV this week, but I don’t think that would be appropriate or accurate as this game, by football game standards, won’t have any real intensity or challenge. There is one thing I can mention that has been on my mind since I saw (or should I say acknowledged) that FIU was on our schedule, and that is the infamous brawl that occurred a three years ago. If you don’t remember, look it up on Wikipedia…yea, its there. These FIU players with the help of the scUMbag Canes guys had it out on the field in Braveheart fashion. Some of the images that stick out in my head are: the Canes player that swung his helmet and the “stomper” (UM dude who was literally stomping and FIU player). Now I know that Randy Shannon is a no-nonsense kind of ….wait what am I talking about?…Anyways, this game is clearly bothering me because I haven’t said one damn word about it. All I know is, FIU has supplanted USF as the “red-headed stepchild” of the State, and all it takes is a little of that insecurity to show through and we could be looking at an ugly game on their part. I know we have too much discipline to fall into an all out fight, and our eye-gouging strategy has been exposed, so I guess we’ll just have to whoop some ass letting Johnny Brantley come in, in the 2nd quarter with Carte Blanche to toss the rock all over the Panthers’ secondary. The spread is a big number, and the way the Gators have been playing lately only a fool would pick them to cover, but I like UF big regardless…

I’m Sorry I had a Fight in the Middle of your Black Panther Party 9
Focused Gators 45

EGM
Golden Panteros 3
Caimanes 56

ML
Panteros de Oro 3
Gators de Pantano 49

LSU at Ole Miss (-3.5), 3:30pm
EGM
The Rebs are almost impossible to decipher. But since they have decided to go with the 100% McCluster based offense they have started to move the ball consistently. It’s a good thing they found that direction because Snead is terrible. I’d avoid whatever “meat market” was serving up cutlets of Jevan. The Tigers really have nothing to stand on when it comes to offense these days. Chuck Scott is out and Jarrett Lee could be behind center. Regardless of how fast LSU’s defense may be, I just can’t get behind the Cajuns woeful offense. This game’s status as “SEC Game of the week makes me want to vomit up used syringes.

Tigers 13
Pississippi 20

CB
LSU Bleauxs 20
Hotty Toddy 22

ML
LSU 34
Ole Piss 33

Vanderbilt at Tennessee (-17), 7:00pm
EGM
The battle for State of Tennessee has never looked worse. Vandy is atrocious on both sides of the ball and really has no chance of scoring against the Vols defense or stopping their running attack. Perhaps we could just lessen the two teams’ carbon footprint and call this one at 17-3 Vols. Or maybe in the guise of all things Copenhagen Accord, UT could give some of their talented players to Vandy and drop the final score to 17-14. Sounds equitable, right? Equitable like prison rape.

Commodes 3
Vols 24

CB
Von Vandersbilt 10
Lane’s Thugs 30

ML
Tennessee Dorks 13
Tennessee Armed Robbers 23

Kentucky at Georgia -8, 7:45
CB
Maybe its just the fact that I know that Calipari is a total scumbag when it comes to recruiting but I just don’t trust the kids he’s got on the court now. Sorry, I was just watching a little of the Cats on the hardwood and that thought came over me and I started to suspect even the kids that were already on scholarship of being dirty. And we all know that Billy Gillespie wasn’t cheating because if he was, he probably wouldn’t have gotten fired! Speaking of Football, how unimpressed with Richt are you? He’s had plenty of talent over the years and this year with arguably the best receiver in the SEC and a senior Quarterback, the Dawgs are just God awful. Now the question is, are they bad enough to lose to the football Kats? I say no, I mean come on, who’s that bad?

Krappy Kensucky Kats 16
Dawgs are Better, just a little bit 32

EGM
Kats 13
Dawgs 28

ML
‘Sucky 13
Jawja 31

Oregon at Zona (+6), 8
ML
Both these teams control their destiny. If Oregon wins out, they earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl since Rich Brooks faced Joe-Pa in 1995. If the Desert Cats can win out, they will earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl…Ever. That’s right, they are the only Pac-10 team to have never played in the Rose Bowl. If they wish to break that trend, they need to slow down OU’s 6th ranked rushing offense and Jeremiah Masoli, the Stocky Samoan. The Cats have a pretty good QB of their own in Nick Foles, who sports a 70% completion percentage. Can Mike Stoops pull off the upset and save his job? Does Jim Leavitt mind that he stole his hairdo? Does anyone care?

Fighting Quacks 27
Fighting Lutes 17

EGM
Ducks 45
Zona 41

CB
Punchy 42
Zoner 23

Auburn - OFF
CB
OH MAN do I hate Auburn! Have you ever been there as an opposing fan? They aren’t like “get in your face” assholes, but they do that whole thing where they come up to you and slap you in your face with their bangs and act like they team ain’t gotta prayer; their faux-humility is disgusting. Sorry, we aren’t even playing them this year, and I can’t control my contempt.

South Carolina - OFF
ML
Man, I love Columbia. I guarantee that town has the lowest church to bar ratio of any city in the Southeast. Can’t wait to go back to the Stayhard Suites in 2011.

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week XI

2009-11-12T23:00:00.002-06:00

Malt Licker
HIGH OCTANE WEEKEND!!!! Two thirds of Mono, Licker & Bailey will be reuniting in the Palmetto State, to witness the Gators ascension to 10-0 and corresponding victimization of the Ol’ Ball Coach and his drunken Quarterback. I’m not sure what CB’s excuse is, but I’m sure it is lame. I just heard New Keys is among 3 Vol Freshmen arrested for armed robbery. I have tomorrow off and it’s been a while, so forgive me for my giddiness, this week’s edition has stream of consciousness written all over it. Call me Kerouac…..

El Gran Mono
Its late Thursday evening and I have Carolina (and shitty Alex Smith) on my mind. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to join the Licker in Five Points until late tomorrow due to deposition obligations. Why would anyone schedule a deposition on a roady day? Not everyone has SEC football priorities I guess. Perhaps we can incorporate football travel into the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure in order to accommodate the litigators of the south. However, they should probably work on getting some decent officials before moving the Supreme Court for Rules amendments…

Cuzzin’ Bailey
As I watch USF do its best to keep itself out of this Thursday night game, I am happy to report that the time for the Gators 10th win of the season is almost upon us. Its graciously fitting that we go for this victory against the man that made 10-win seasons at UF a conceivable goal. Last week UF took it easy on a hapless Vanderbilt team, hopefully saving their best for last (or at least the last few weeks). Sorry this is so bland, but watching the Tampa Bulls v. the New Jersey Rutgers is really bringing me down. Maybe a rerun of NCIS will get me in the mood for writing about football? I don’t know what I’m talking about. Btw, I think the World Series of Poker is over, THANK GOD… On an unrelated note (if you can believe it), I’m watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure now, I think the guy that played Napoleon did a great job, but I don’t understand why Lincoln even went to the costume picture place or why Beethoven was arrested for playing music…anyways while you contemplate that shit, on to the picks!!

Tennessee at Ole Miss (-5), 12:00pm EGM
EGM
There is no way Ole Miss should be favored against any team other than Vanderbilt or Kentucky. I understand that people think Lane Kiffin is stupid but has anyone ever considered it’s a charade? The Vols actually have things moving in the right direction these days (I never thought I’d write that this year). They run the ball well and only put their QB in “Bama situations”, i.e PA passes and bootlegs. Of course, this limits their offense and makes it very difficult to come back in games. That said, Ole Miss is a bigger farce than man-made climate change. They play half-ass defense but they can’t score against any team with a pulse. The Vols may have a decimated krewe of LBs but the rest of their unit is very solid. This could be an instant replay of the Ole Piss-Cocks matchup.

Armed Robbers 17
Easily Stolen Wallets 10

ML
Stick ‘em up 9
Rebz 21

CB
Trying to Score some “New Keys” 23
Capitalize on some opposing distraction? 26

Kentucky at Vanderbilt (+3), 12:20
EGM
Easily the least interesting matchup in the SEC from year to year with the possible exception of Piss State-Vandy. It appears Rich Brooks is once again “rebuilding” from his self-inflicted poor coaching/recruiting disaster. He’s also incorporating a heavy amount of wildcat into their offensive schemes. Meanwhile, coach-in-waiting Joker Phillips is dreading the reconstruction of the rebuilding effort. Confusing isn’t it? What’s not confusing is the fact that Vandy completely sucks.

Kats 31
Commodes 9

ML
‘Tucky 24
‘Bilt 20

CB
Don’t be so Kensucky 24
Fine School, Awful Football 17

Florida at South Carolina (+15), 3:30
ML
Yea daddy!!! Staying downtown….drunk at 3pm….Group Therapy…reunited…five points….qb dive…..Ball coach throwin’ visors….Garcia sweatin’ Gin….Tebow praisin’ the lord…turnovers galore. It seems like we’ve been playing better on the road than at home. I see this trend continuing and a big victory in cock-land. I think SC is trying some sort of camo-uniforms in honor of Vet’s day. None of that matters, I’ll be trying the limits of my liver in honor of Vet’s day.

UF 38
SC 10

EGM
The Gators offense drives a man to drink even the crappiest of whiskey. So much talent, such poor playcalling and execution. Their defense is awesome and keeps them in every game. I’m just glad Houston, Cincy, or FSU w/ Christian Ponder is not on the schedule. Those high scoring teams would have a great shot of winning. I really can’t wait to be in Columbia and sitting in Group Therapy with a Knob Creek in my hand talking football with the Licker and other fellow studs. Spurdog makes me nervous, but Stephen Garcia does not. His penchant for frustration will lead to at least one pick six. The Cocks defense is good but they won’t be able to withstand several turnovers and long weathering drives. Another Columbia notch in the belt…

Gators 31
Cocks 10

CB
Spurrier “announced” that he would probably be a Cock until 2011. HAHA, I just read that, I’ll bet there are plenty of UT and UGA fans out there saying, “its about time!” Anyways, presuming he was referring to his coaching tenure at USC, I think its great that he was pressured by the media into making such an announcement and hopefully he will retire with dignity and plenty of wins against everyone but us. I was looking at this game, and I was trying to figure out which of Meyer’s two trips to Columbia did this remind me of…2005 (I was there, sort of) and we lost by not blocking and allowing the Cocks to pressure us way too much; or 2007 Tebow accounted for 7 touchdowns on his way to winning the Heisman. After that thoughtful, in-depth analysis, I think I’m gonna go wild-card on yall and claim that our DEFENSE will be the main factor. I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Cuzzin, how can you go on such crazy limb like that??!” But it’s true, the Gators have a really really really good defense this year. Look for Garcia (USC’s QB) to feel the heat early on and for Spurrier’s stubbornness continue sending in pass plays that will set us up for a multi-pick game…

Cawks 10
GATORS! 30

Auburn at Georgia (-4.5), 7:00pm
ML
Man…what an anti-climax. I remember, during the era of Zook, when this game had SEC Title game implications. The winner of this game has the inside track on the Peach Bowl. I’d rather eat head cheese than watch these two teams play.

War Eagle 17
UGA 23

EGM
Plainsmen 20
UGA 17

CB
I want to win less 28
No, I do 27

Louisiana Tech at LSU (-24), 7:00 pm
ML
The Cajuns got jobbed in Tuscaloose, as Peterson’s clear INT of the worst SEC QB was, for some reason, not seen in the replay booth. The Heart of Dixie is known for being a bit, behind the times, so maybe an 8 inch black and white Zenith is all that was available. It may not have mattered, it’s not like Jarrett Lee was going to suddenly realize how not to suck. Anyway, this is LSU’s November cupcake, the Lady Techsters, and they cannot call on Teresa Weatherspoon to run the show.

Techy 9
CoonAssy 41

EGM
Lady Techsters 0
Tigers 38

CB
LaTeck 6
LSU 42

Alabama at Mississippi State (+12.5), 7:00pm
CB
Nice little tune up for the Tide Saturday night before next week’s Iron Bowl. I don’t mean that MSU is a ginormous pushover that can’t exploit mistakes (and let’s face it, McElroy is just the kind of guy who can make ‘em), but I don’t think Saban is going to have to rely on the Bama QB too much in this one. I fully expect Mark Ingram to maintain his strong case for the Heisman with a big game, and the Tide Defense to hold these Bulldogs to under 250 yards of total offense. This will be a nice introduction into the spread offense as Bama gets ready for the SEC champ game, but I think the caliber of talent may be just a bit off haha…Tide Rolls

Bama 34
Westside Dawgs 12

ML
C-Tide 20
B-Dogs 10

EGM
Bamer 24
Miss State 9

Troy at Arkansas (-14), 7:30
CB
Didn’t even remember I landed on this game, and I almost left it blank. Whatever would we have done??!?! The Bourbon Boys would have been discredited and the laughing stock of the Blogosphere…I swear to God that is the first time I’ve ever used that word. I feel dirty. I’ll be honest with yall for a minute. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in this game. Please do NOT place a bet by using my score as an indicator. I am literally going to write two scores down on a piece of paper and flip a coin. Wait, that sounds like way to much work. I’m just gonna go with the Razorbacks cause I think they can probably put 40 points up on the Trojans defense and the talent level has to be skewed just enough in Arky’s favor to cover the spread. Wow, that was more analysis than I’ve done all year…pretty pathetic

Trojans 17
‘ZorBacks 40

ML
Trojans Cover 24
Your Hawgs 35

EGM
Trojans 13
Hawgs 28

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week X

2009-11-06T07:39:00.003-06:00

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Man, I am still recovering from the FL/GA weekend. Great freaking time tailgating and a great game; my bourbon girl and I snuck in a large size travel flask of (guess), and I was successful at “having a great time.” Anyways, another thing that was great about the game was how submissive the UGA fans were; I love it when the opposing fans are more certain of your team’s victory than you are…And I’m not talking about the fake bullshit they pull in Auburn either. These Georgia fans were insisting the Gators were going to cover, and I should have listened to them. This week the bigtime game is in Tuscaloosa, the Gators wrapped up the SEC East last week, now the next goal is to remain undefeated!

Malt Licker
Good times last week in Jacksonville with Cuzzin’ Bailey, who was a most gracious host. A beautiful Saturday, a tremendous tailgate and a beatdown of Jawja almost made me forget I was in Jacksonville. Then the drive home….leaving that downtown is like trying to escape some black hole of hell. It’s a wonder ESPN.com is questioning the viability of an NFL franchise there. Other than Bama/LSU, it’s a shitty slate of games. It almost makes one want to talk about baseball…..GO YANKS!!!!

El Gran Mono
Its certainly been a whirlwind week and I find myself leading off Friday morning with a shot of Knob Creek, an Aleve, and copious amounts of Chipotleaway. Given my track record, I highly doubt this will affect my picks. Looking at the lineup, I think the BBoys should have rallied around the SEC West Championship game and taken an off week of their own. What about Week X speaks to an AD that they should schedule a DI-AA opponent?

South Carolina at Arkansas (-7), 12:21pm
EGM
The Cocks are experimenting with how many huge hits a QB can take before he voluntarily quits and heads to a life of alcohol and opiates. However, the Cocks did not pick an adequate subject to test because Steve Garcia was already living that life. Arkansas is a complete enigma. They have a pretty decent D-Line and a QB who throws p-rods. Yet they have lost to both UGA and Ole Miss. I’ll ride the home Hawgs in this game and lay the points. The Cocks looked lethargic in Neyland last week and Fayetteville isn’t the kind of place to get back on a roll.

Cocks 9
Hawgs 24

CB
Cocks 23
Backs 25

ML
SoCar 28
Sooey 33

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky (NL), 1:00pm
ML
Known as “the Maroons” until 1960, EKU became the Colonels and went on to dominate the Ohio Valley Conference. Lee “Six Million Dollar Man” Majors attended EKU before he started banging Farrah Fawcett. Ironically, John Calipari is also known as the “Six Million Dollar Man.” It may have something to do with his recruiting budget. You’d think he’d divert some of that cash to poor Rich Brooks.

Colonel Steve Austin 6
sUK 29

CB
East 2
Pussies (You know, like cats) 34

EGM
Colonels 7
Kats 41

Tennessee Tech at Georgia (NL), 1:00pm
CB
This game, like most this week, is pretty meh-able. Other than USC/Ark, and LSU/Bama, every other game is either NL or a huge spread. I know that UGA has played a great (hard/difficult/full of losses) schedule, but at least this weekend we can finally get their douchebag fans to shut up. Joe Cox and the rest of the Bulldogs played like complete idiots last weekend. I can’t believe how marginal they still are…I mean I can believe it, but I’m surprised, oh and happy.

(the other) TTech 14
UGA 33

ML
Golden Eagles 6
Urban’s Bitches 37

EGM
Evil Eagles 10
Evil Joe Cox 48

Furman at Auburn (NL), 1:30pm
EGM
Huge matchup in Jerdin Hair this week. The Purple Paladins bring their chivalrous DI-AA style into the den of bad haircuts. I think they should joust instead of play football.

PPs 14
Plainsmen 52

CB
Dumb 4
Dumb and EVIL 32

ML
Purple Paladins 6
Navy Blue Plainsmen 27

LSU at Alabama (-7.5), 3:30
CB
This is the game of the week, and I finally got a good one. LSU is coming off two big wins (big in the sense that the margin of victory was large), since the loss to the Gators. This game has a shit load on the line, a Ramma Jamma win locks up the SEC West and a date with the Gators in the SEC Championship, an LSU win puts them in the driver’s seat. Basically what you are looking for in this game is whether or not LSU can make plays on Bama’s defense. We all know about how “great” LSU’s athletes are, but if they don’t get Charles Scott going on the ground and have to rely on Jefferson to pass the ball all over the Tide, then this could be a long game for the Tigers. Bama has had a week off since the dramatics of the UT-block-field-goal-game, and so hopefully for their sake they’ve gotten over the high. I think that the Tide will follow the Gators lead in shutting down LSU’s offense, but their real question is whether or not Saban’s pistol formation will be hard-nosed enough to run against a tough Tiger D. I like Bama to win, but I’m not sure about the points…

QB is skittish 13
RB likes to Run 20

ML
Tigers 13
Tide 20

EGM
Tigers 21
Bamer 20

Memphis at Tennessee (-26.5), 7:00pm
ML
Kiffykins is coming off his first win over a ranked team and looking to pile on against Memphis State. Monte’s defense has remained stout all year, to have any chance the Tigers need to conger up some additional eligibility for DeAngelo Williams. With that said, there is no way UT should be laying more than 3 touchdowns to anyone. Crompton still sucks. Whoever Memphis’ coach is should lay money on his team to cover and play it as close to the vest as possible.

Memphis 10
Knoxville 30

CB
Gangland 10
Crapland 38

EGM
Memphass 0
Vols 38

Vanderbilt at Florida (-34.5), 7:15pm
ML
Oooooh its Eye Gauge-Gate!!!! I just heard Craig “the drunken preacher” James demand a 3 game suspension for Spikes. Is he serious? A pre-pubescent Malt Licker hated this clown back when he was the lead analyst on Gameday. That was before he pulled a David Caruso, leaving ESPN to join CBS. Unfortunately, like a bad case of herpes, he is back to spoil things. As you can tell, I’m sick of his act. Our Gators dispensed of UGA and have a bye week before their final road test of the season. What’s that you say? We have a game? I don’t count Vandy.

Avoiding Wins 6
Avoiding Letdowns 44

CB
Dores and Dorks 13
Studs and Gators 49

EGM
Doremats 3
Gators 58

Northern Arizona at Ole Miss (NL), 7:30pm
CB
It’s a good thing that the Rebs are playing Nalthun Zona this week. The real excitement is to come in the next few weeks. Ole Miss hosts Tennessee and LSU and still (remarkably) has a psychotically outside shot at the SEC West Title. I know, I know its ridiculous, but if they win out, and others lose late, it could possibly happen, I think. Anyways, it would be very beneficial if the Rebs could maybe actually possibly create and maintain some momentum that apparently was obliterated last week when they lost to Orburn, if they are to have any shot at the title. Anyways, look for Snead to light up the …uh whoever they are, bigtime.

Who Are YOU? 5
Ole Miss by Damn 45

ML
Lumberjacks 11
Rebs 51

EGM
Lumberjacks 6
Rebs 45

Mississippi State - OFF
EGM
Muddin’ and coonhunts.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IX

2009-10-29T22:17:00.004-05:00

El Gran Mono
Prepare for negativity my friends, because I’m amped up to trash pretty much every team out there. After all of the top teams struggled (excluding Tejas), the pundits are swarming upon the fact that there is parity in CFB. This usually happens around Week 11 when every player doesn’t turn out exactly as Athlon/Lindys/Sporting News predicted they would. Happy Halloween! I’ll be the guy dressed as a cynical college football fan.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Big Game this weekend! I always knew that Fla/Ga was a huge deal, but I love the electricity in Jacksonville this week. Well I’m being a little sarcastic, but seriously, now that the game approaches, and my guest list is filled, I cannot wait til Saturday! My Bourbon Girl is bringing her good luck to Jax, some amigos are driving up from the ‘Burg, and the Malt "effing" Licker is making the extra long trip from CougarTown (just to see me); so our tailgate may turn into a full on party. EGM’s pop is gonna be manning the grill, and the shotgunning of beers will commence circa 9:30am. In regards to the game, I am really hoping the awful UGA defense is the cure for whatever is ailing our Redzone offense. I am not NECESSARILY worried we will lose the game as much as I am worried we’ll look like shit doing it. I trust our defense and I’m pretty sure that Joe Cox won’t be the savior this year considering how bad we made Matt Stafford look last year…Go Gators!

Malt Licker
Just finished packing for the trip up to Jville to meet up with Cuzzin Bailey and attend the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail party. Jeter is facing the Dominican Rat, Pedro Martinez, I have a beer cracked, and I’m looking forward to quitting time Friday afternoon. I just wish El Gran Mono could join us. Last week, the Gators turned in another ugly victory, but are undefeated against the West for the first time since ’96. Mark pRicht and his Dawgs have a week to prepare. Normally this would be considered a “trap game,” but I have no doubt Tebow and the offense will be ultra-motivated, they just might not be that good. It should be a fantastic Halloween in Jacksonville; I’m looking for costume suggestions.

Ole Miss at Auburn (+3.5), 12:21
ML
These are two teams going in opposite directions. Nutt’s Rebs have righted the ship and have won two in a row behind a strong defense. Chiz’ Tigz were just blown out in Baton Rouge and are on the back side of a 3 game losing streak. Ole Piss is looking for its first back-to-back wins over Awbarn in 57 years. I’d be remiss if I didn’t comment on the faux genteel classiness of each school’s douchebag student body. Given the scarcity of bars in the “loveliest little village on the Plains,” it’s a good thing Reb fans are used to drinking in outside.

Spooky Rebels 27
Hungry Tigers 17

EGM
Rebs 28
Plainsmen 13

CB
Ole Ma’am 24
Orbarn 21

3:30pm
Georgia v. Florida -16.5, 3:30
EGM
World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! Take that Machenajad! You can’t curb my free speech, SON! Sorry, I had to get that out of the way. I’m not a fan of PC assholes or university President’s who think their limited oligarchy extends to curbing off campus boozing.

On to the actual game. The Gators have a completely shitty passing game highlighted by a QB who refuses to read defenses or throw the ball away. It’s a good thing they have a power running game that now features the I formation and three stud backs. Although UGA is better at stopping the run than the pass, they will still give up yards in chunks (at least until the red zone). The Dawgs offense is pretty one dimensional against any team with a pulse. And the worse part about the one dimension is that its keyed by Joe Cox. Mr Cox will find moving the ball difficult once AJ Green is taken away. I expect that will take about 0 plays considering everyone knows that Green is UGA’s only playmaker. Regardless of UF’s lethargic, predicable offense, I expect a pretty easy win and cover due to UGA’s inability to move the ball.

UGA needs a “safe zone” 10
Craptacular Gators 28

CB
Juhja 13
FLORIDA 28

ML
Losing 17 out of 20 10
Winning 18 in a row 24

Mississippi State at Kentucky (-3), 7
ML
All of a sudden it came to me. As I was watching our Gators struggle against their former coach, I had a thought. I must first ask our readers if they know the name of the child who played Augustus Gloop in the original Willy Wonka. Are we sure it wasn’t a young Dan Mullen? Talk about a doppelganger, I think I saw some fudge stains on Dan’s rosey cheeks. The Kats actually have a winning streak, perhaps delaying the annual autumnal shift in focus to hoops. Are the Dawgs satisfied with the “close loss” to the Gators, or will they actually try to, you know, win?

IM SOOOO HUNNNNGRRRYYY!!! 20
MEOWW 12

EGM
Miss State 13
KY 17

CB
MISSed Opportunities 23
Kensucks 24

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas (-37.5), 7
CB
By far this is the game of the week! Haha, I am actually not 100% sure I’m going to stay awake while typing this. I understand that Arkansas is still totally preoccupied by the “penalty-gate” in the SEC and that would explain their lame-duck performance last week in Oxford. I’m not saying the Rebs are a pushover, but after the “gutty” showing in Gainesburg two weeks ago, I expected more. But this week, the Hawgs are playing the hapless Eagles from the Eastern part of the Mitten. I fully expect a cover and a “look at how tough we are” outcome in favor of the slighted Razorbacks. Btw, I guess its only a big deal when you play shitbox teams in the BEGINNING of the season.

EMU 7
Arky 47

EGM
Its Education First in Ypsilanti 10
Its Football First in Fayetteville 49

ML
Poultry 6
Pork 49

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt (+11.5), 7:30
CB
I have no problem predicting a full on throttling from Paul Johnson’s triple option Flexbone. I was gonna say that Vandy has been decent even in their losses, but that’s not really true. They’ve been beat pretty handily by UGA, Ole Miss, and LSU. They aren’t giving up HUGE amounts of points, but they can’t score to save their lives. They’ve scored 133 points in 8 games (about 16 points per game). Compare that to GT’s 261 total points, and that’s almost double! I have to admit that watching the Tech games is a guilty pleasure of mine. I am really digging the triple option, and I’m praying that IF we don’t make it to the title game that UF does NOT have to face them in a bowl game. Not saying they can beat us, but right now its seriously clicking and its scary to watch. Combine the fact that everything is going the Yellow Jackets way and the fact that Vandy has a fast track, and we could be looking at a bigtime blowout.

Runnin’ Ramblin’ Wreck 34
Gonna get wishBONED. 14

EGM
Jackets 31
Smandy 7

ML
ACC Dorks 30
SEC Dorks 14

South Carolina at Tennessee (-5), 7:45
CB
I see that Kiffen has been reprimanded again for being a bitch, and was basically told that if he opens up his trap and causes another stir he MAY get more than a slap on the wrist. I hear all the Vols fans talking about how they are impressed with his ability to keep UT’s name in the media and bring attention to the school, but is this really the kind of exposure you want? I remember when Zook was fighting frat boys and thriving on the reputation of being a “player’s coach” and I’m thinking that this wasn’t the kind of guy I want coaching my favorite team…just saying. The Gamecocks are having a great-ish year (relatively), and are already bowl eligible. UT is 3-4 and coming off an emotional loss to Bama (Kick Vols, Kick), so they will either be hunting for retribution or realize they are a total joke and that no one outside of KnoxVegas cares that they almost won. God I hope USC wins this game. Oh and btw, bet the UNDER, I’m looking for a low scoring game.

Cocks 13
Puke Orange 14

EGM
Cocks 10
Vols 13

ML
Cockfighters 19
Ref Haters 17

Tulane at LSU (-35), 8
EGM
I read an article somewhere that said LSU should watch out Tulane because they might be looking ahead to Bama. That’s a pretty stupid thing to say. Even with JJeff pulling the strings at QB, there is no chance they lose to hapless Tulane.

Green Waves usually smell like shit 0
Baton Rouge smells like shit 41

CB
Tulane 13
LSU 40

ML
Wave of Green 5
Red Stick of Shit 31

USC at Oregon (+3), 8
EGM
This could be the biggest game in the history of Animal House U. The Ducks have recovered from their asskicking in Boise and have run roughshod over the Pac-10 ever since. However, I’m still pissed they lost to Boise because we have to listen to all this “they deserve a shot” talk for another full year. Its ridiculous and I hate it.

USC’s defense doesn’t appear to be quite as good as everyone thought they would be. Oregon State moved the ball with ease against them throughout the second half. Good thing Matt Barkley has matured quickly in order to put up the points necessary for victory. Well, I think the party is going to end for young Matt in the horrors of Autzen stadium. The Ducks are playing good defense these days and I expect the rookie mistakes to come out. Prepare for some BCS controversy! What’s that like?

Trojans 17
Quackers 21

CB
Carroll’s homies 32
Home of Charlie’s Parents 27

ML
Men of Troy 16
Ducks of Quack 20

Alabama – OFF
ML
It seems like I always get the goddamn bye week. Bama has a week off before their final big test before Atlanta. Fat Boy Cody came clutch with a big block of Kiffy McSissypants game winning attempt. I hear the notoriety has earned him a cover on this week’s front page of BBW Magazine.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII

2009-10-22T23:03:00.003-05:00

Malt Licker
Well the Gators played like crap and were able to escape. I suppose that is good news, but I’d love to see our offense perform within the same galaxy as last years. I think this proves how important Percy and L Murph were to the squad. We have to find a way to open things up, or we will most assuredly have a hiccup along the way. The rest of the week’s slate is pretty uninspiring, with the most compelling game being Kiffie-kin’s first trip to Tuscaloosa.

El Gran Mono
There has been a lot of talk this week that SEC Refs suck (which is very true) so I think I’ll incorporate that into my takes a little more heavily. I’m finally at .500 despite the refs sucking and Cuz can hear me running behind him Steve Atwater style. Will he alligator arm it or catch it like a champ? Or will the refs blow it? I’m betting on door number one. I think I’ve finally got a handle on Vandy. I’m hoping the Gators have a handle on Starkville.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Where to begin? Apparently UF didn’t deserve to win last week. I’m just paraphrasing every single “comment board” on ESPN (dot) com this week. I guess the only thing that would make those loser Arkansas fans (as well as every Gator Hater in the world) happy would be for Florida to concede this and voluntarily forfeit the game. Let me tell you, BAD CALLS HAPPEN! Ask UGA. Ask UF after the 2003 Florida State game. Shit happens. We (the fans of that team) stew about it for years and years to come, but guess what changes…Jack SHIT. Ah, glad I got that off my chest. Oh, btw, if UF didn’t get that personal foul call, it still would have been 2nd and 9 on the 20. It ain’t like we hadn’t been moving the ball ALL GAME. Barring another fumble and we’re looking at the same result. God I hate whiners. Unless their name is Cuzzin Bailey. Last thing, sorry my comments don’t reek with the professional prose of one Malt Licker. We should all bow to his superior intellect and humility HAHA…loser.

Arkansas at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
ML
The Hawgs nearly ended the nation’s longest winning streak in the Swamp last week. Can they use the momentum from this moral victory and knock off their old coach? The only person in Oxford having a worse season than Jevan Snead is his barber. How does he get that look? With a ruler? Anyway, is it possible Ole Miss just isn’t that good? I’m giving my boy Houston one more chance.

Sooey 21
Toddy 31

EGM
Hawgs 21
Rebs 20

CB
Sore Losers 23
Oxford Comeback? 25

Tennessee at Alabama (-16.5), 3:30
ML
Mr. Kiffykins comes to town to face the other rival he ticked off during the offseason. Can he cover the spread again? If he does, it will have more to do with Daddy, who has two weeks to devise a scheme to stop Mark Ingram. If Crapton can keep the turnovers at 2, the Vols can make this interesting. I feel like Bama is due for a scare.

White shirted Vols 13
Crimson stained sheets 21

EGM
Monte keeps it close 13
Saban likes it close 17

CB
Probation in 2 years 10
Roll over Kiffin 27

Louisiana-Monroe at Kentucky (-15.5), 7
CB
Boy how lucky did I get? The only non-All-SEC game in the bunch. I presume that UK will be able to pull out the win here on the blue grass, but I’m curious how easily they’ll score 15 points total! I’m gonna run blind here cause I really don’t care about wasting anyone’s time with analysis. I’m sure LA-Mon has put up some great number against whatever teams they play, which explains this relatively small spread. Kentucky is coming off a huge win on the Plains against the scumbag Tigers. Speaking of that game, I love watching their fans look so dumbfounded when a team they deem inferior goes into Orburn and comes out with a W. Good times. Kats roll here, hey here’s some breaking news…one of Kensucky’s basketball recruit’s eligibility is ALREADY in question…gotta love Calipari, he sure doesn’t waste any time cheating…

MON-roe 14
Kant beat Kentucky’s Kats 30

ML
LaMo 13
UK 34

EGM
LaMo 10
KY 28

Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-12.5), 7
EGM
Ol’ Spurdog took one on the chops last week vs. Saban and his nasty defense. If only Stephen Garcia wouldn’t get rattled so easily they might have…hmmm…if only. The Cocks don’t have much of a running game and that could make this matchup quite interesting because Vandy has a great pass defense statistically. However, I think their great pass defense is only a result of their terrible rush defense. Spurdog does tend to force the issue with what he feels is “right” even if its not working. But with a week to prepare I would expect the “right” gameplan to incorporate a steady diet of running. That won’t be good for Vandy who really sucks on offense. Even the refs can’t help out with that.

Dores 3
Cocks 17

ML
Vanderdork 12
GameCocks 29

CB
Logically Terrible 9
We’ll Spit Dip in yer Eye 22

Florida at Mississippi State (+22), 7:30
CB
Hell yea. The Gators won last week, after turning the ball over 4 times, thrice in or around the redzone. But now that last week is over, its time to talk about a place I just started referring to as the “Twilight Zone for Gator Football”. Sure, it’s not a real supernatural place, like the Bermuda Triangle, but this is a “city” where UF forgets all it knows about football. A place where defensive captains elect to “kickoff” when the only real option is to “receive,” a place where there are more cowbells in one square mile than there are in the entire state of Texas, A PLACE where Mississippi State thrives when the Gators come to town. 1992, the last Thursday night game UF has played, Shane Matthews throws 5 interceptions in his home state. 2000, Spurrier elects to punt on 3rd down, the Miss Dogs have 2 150+ yard rushers, and my dad is drinking whisky and water from the melted ice in the cooler. 2004, without that loss, Zook would not have been fired, in retrospect I’m happy about that one. Regardless, of course we SHOULD win this Saturday, but the SEC SHOULD be regulating the illegal noise-maker policy in Starkville too, but that shit ain’t happening. Oh yea, aside from all the spookiness and superstition about Davis Wade Stadium at Scott Field, the Gators are facing their old offensive coordinator…he probably knows what to expect…but can they execute, that’s the question…I think its about time the Gators defense got over the LSU hangover and Janoris Jenkins remembered how to cover. This is the last time I’m gonna make a multi-interception call for our D. If it doesn’t happen this weekend I’m beginning a self-invoked moratorium on praise for our secondary…don’t let me down guys.

Road GATORS 40
Home (smelly) Dawgs 15

ML
More Gators 37
Less Cowbell 6

EGM
Demons Out 41
Turnover Machine 13

Auburn at LSU (-8), 7:30
EGM
This is traditionally one of my favorite games to watch. It always seems like the teams come out hitting extra hard and there is a lot of jawing. Former LSU QB Andrew “To Good for Harvard” Hatch got crushed so hard last year he couldn’t stand up and didn’t remember large portions of the game. Chris Todd is a much better player this year and certainly can’t play worse than last year. That said, the Plainsmen lost to KY last week…AT HOME. Not good. However, they do have one major thing in their favor and that’s Jordan Jefferson. He’s positively awful. Auburn will have absolutely no problem stopping him. The question then remains, will Gary Crowton and Les Miles adjust and run the wildcat or take Jefferson out of the game? I doubt it. Imagine losing TWICE at night in the same season. Yep, its gonna happen, just like every season in the 80’s. Oh yeah, the refs will suck.

Plainsmen 21
Cajuns 10

ML
Plainsmen 10
Coonasses 14

CB
Prissy Tigers 13
Disgusting Tigers 15

Georgia – OFF
ML
Coach Richt will enjoy this bye week by watching me bang his wife.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VII - Weekend Edition

2009-10-15T22:11:00.001-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
Well I’m glad I was right to talk about the Gator defense in last week’s edition, but I’m sorry to say that the score I picked was atrocious. I had a great feeling that we would cover and I knew we had it in us to virtually shut down the Tiger offense, but I can’t tell you how impressed I was in our effort. In other news, the former guest Bourbon Boy, The Dinnercruise Gambler, struck again in N’awlins and to salute the weekend, I decided to include a (heavily) edited recap of the trip. Anyways, Gators got homecoming this weekend against an (albeit) unranked, but quite interesting Arkansas squad, I would say its time for the Gators to “open-up” the offense a bit. P.S. don’t you feel like you need a poncho just LISTENING to Lou Holth on TV?

Malt Licker
If any of you are wondering why we did not have all the games posted before the illustrious USF Cincinnati matchup, point the finger at me. I figured you would rather admire Jim Leavitt’s lovely blonde locks, than have to try to decipher Cuzzin’ Bailey’s “writing.” He’s such a wordsmith you may need a thesaurus, and I figured our readers would be more inclined to have one at work. Anyway, the Gators conservatized their way to a 15th consecutive victory and are in firm control of the SEC. If the Gators offense tried to buy an NFL team, there is no doubt that sports “journalists” would run completely fabricated quotes to scuttle their bid.

El Gran Mono
Last week in the SEC, the four major games resulted in three blowouts and one defensive barn burner. Two of the blowouts were authored by previously winless-in-the-SEC teams Arkansas and Tennessee. The Tennessee blowout was surprising not only in the final score but also in the methodology, namely Jonathan Crapton throwing for over three hundred yards. LSU-UF ended up almost exactly as Vegas expected minus the addition of a few extra scores. LSU clearly can’t play much offense and both teams proved they could play defense. The main story of this week is whether team like Arkansas can continue their good play against the top of the conference not just the a “resurgent” team. Enjoy the three “Games of the Week” outside of the SEC.

October 17, 2009

Oklahoma v. Texas (-3), 12
EGM
This was the game on the cover of all the magazines in the preseason: McCoy v. Bradford, THE BIG 12 SHOOTOUT!!, Queers v. Steers. Wait a second, isn’t Big 12 shootout a mildly redundant phrase?

The two losses from Jokelahom definitely downgrades the caliber of this game but after watching Tejas play a few times I’m not so sure they are that great either. I think if they would have played the Mormons and the Thugs from Miami they would have at least one loss. Their offense is almost entirely one dimensional (i.e. Colt McCoy) and their defense is meh. Sure they lead the country in rush defense but look at who they have played (the same can be said for the Gators as well). I really like Oklahoma’s chances in this game. In fact, I fully expect some Sam Bradford revenge. Colt McCoy apparently “deserves” the Heisman after his season last year but Bradford is clearly the better player (better arm, better pocket awareness, better accuracy). McCoy doesn’t suck but he won’t be good enough to beat Bradford for a second year. Memo to Bob Stoops, don’t run any fake punts or fake field goals.

Boomer Sooner 34
Tejas 30

CB
Oklahomo 34
Tejas 45

ML
Boomer 13
Bevo 31

Georgia at Vanderbilt (+7.5), 12:21
CB
Well, a week ago, I would have been marginally interested in this match up because it would give us a look into how UGA can perform against a struggling but (maybe) hungry weaker SEC program. That was before both teams lost to shitbox ones this past weekend. The Dawgs went up the Knoxvegas and laid a total egg, and Schmandie went to visit Army and lost in OT. Just embarrassing. Actually I don’t know which was worse? I mean I knew that Georgia wasn’t good, but that game last weekend was humiliating. They didn’t score an offensive touchdown and didn’t get past the UT 30 (something). God I can’t wait for the Cocktail Party.

Juhjah 33
Nerd Alert 21

ML
Lost to Crapton 24
Lost to Army 10

EGM
Dawgs 27
Dores 10

Mississippi State at Middle Tennessee State (+4), 12:30
ML
I was waiting all year for this one! The pride of Murfreesboro! MTSU’s Blue Raiders, host the Bulldogs at Johnny “Red” Floyd Stadium. Dan Mullen’s Dogs let the SEC, and EGM, down last week with a loss at home to Houston. This should be another tight contest and they need to win, because they face a complete dismantling next week. All I know about the Raiders is they had a pretty good band in 1999, and like to throw the ball a lot in 2009.

Road Dogs 34
Red’s Raiders 24

CB
Road Dogs 35
MTSU 17

EGM
SEC 31
Sun Belt 21

Arkansas at Florida -24 CB, 3:30
CB
LSU BLEAUXS! Man I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to say that without sounding like a sore loser. Not that I even imagined what it was going to be like if we had lost to those terrible Tigers (Terrible as in bad, not frightening). Anyways, I’m sure you’re sick of hearing how great the Gators are and how much I love them, so I think its time to talk about this game. The Razorbax aren’t God awful this year. They actually have a pretty decent quick strike offense. If the Gators overlook this team, I will be greatly disappointed. Sure they got completely shut down by Bama, but last weekend they totally throttled the second best team in AL. Hopefully we can take a page out of the non-scumbag team from the “Heart of Dixie.” I think the Backs are gonna try their stock “throw, throw, then maybe run” game (Mallet is averaging 32 pass attempts/game), which should play right into the Gators hands. I predict 3 picks by the UF secondary, at least 40 passes by Arkansas, oh and a huge win for Florida.

Not-Kansas 13
GO GATORS 50

ML
Arky 10
Gators 40

EGM
Hawgs 17
Gators 42

USC at Notre Dame (+12), 3:30
ML
Is this a must win for fat Chuck Weis? It sure is, since this is the best chance ND has to beat SC since Bob Davie was head coach. For the first time since that date, the Irish look to have more talent on offense, especially at QB, where Jimmy Clowson likes comebacks. It is strength against strength as fatass Charlie’s offense takes on that dashing cavalier Pete Carroll, and his talented defense. ND’s defense has managed to make everyone look good this year, and the absence of Michael Floyd makes their offense much easier to contain. It will come down to coaching, Carroll’s scheme will create some turnovers and Matt Barkley & Co. should put up enough points to cover this spread.

Trojans 28
Irish 14

CB
West Coast Cheatin’ 36
The Licker’s 1st Team 25

EGM
So Cal 31
No. Indiana 21

UAB at Ole Miss (-22), 7:00
EGM
Ole Miss is sort the Oklahoma of the SEC with one huge exception. They have Jevan Snead instead of Sam Bradford. I’m surprised that Nutt hasn’t gone back to the Wildcat much like his Arkansas days when Mitch “Best Recruit Ever” Mustain and Casey Dick were at the helm. Is Snead better than those two? I don’t think we can answer that question yet. After all, that Arkansas team went to the SEC Championship and was winning that game into the fourth quarter. Ole Miss beat a gimmicky Tejas Tech team in the Cotton Bowl. That’s an accomplishment worth of a free Grand Slam at Denny’s. Perhaps that can eat that Grand Slam after they celebrate an average win over an average UAB team. All of those things just seem to fit together.

Blazers 13
Rebs 30

CB
This 5 Points is Lame 14
Rebels Revenge 45

ML
Blaze it 6
Rebz 41

Kentucky at Auburn (-12.5), 7:30
ML
Both these teams had tough losses last week. The hapless Kats lost their pathetic quarterback last week and now have to play some clown he beat out for the starting role. Predictably, the Tigers paws were caught in a trap in Fayetteville after receiving some accolades. Obviously it wasn’t that predictable, as this moron picked them to cover. I see them bouncing back to redeem themselves and yours truly against the wounded Wildcats.

KY 13
AU 34

CB
Blue Grass Smokin’ 9
The Dream is Over 25

EGM
Cats Rebuilding again? 17
Plainsmen 31

South Carolina at Alabama (-17), 7:45
CB
A short trip back to Tuscaloosa from Oxford and the Tide are gearing up for what COULD be a great game. Spurrier has all but called this the Gamecocks marquee game of the year, so it appears that they are aiming at spoiling homecoming for Saban and crew. How did that sound? Did I get you believing that this game was gonna be close, or even a road win for the Ol’ Ball Coach? HAHA! Sure Bama’s gonna start off slow maybe punt a few times early, but seriously, unless they are completely unprepared for this game, the Tide aren’t going to struggle for long. There’s a script for their games. Run, run, incomplete, punt. Do that for the first quarter, then BOOM, 56 yard run by Ingram. Interception returned for a touchdown, McElroy to Jones for a 40 yard bomb, and the rout is on. Sorry Stevie, you’re team may keep your visor on your head for a bit, but after a few rounds with the Crimson, the Cocks won’t be able to keep up…

Cawks 22
Tiiiiiiiiide 44

ML
Cocky 14
Pachy 24

EGM
Cocks 13
Bamer 17

Tennessee - OFF
ML
First SEC win for Kiffin last week….I hope he celebrates by watching me bang his wife.

LSU - OFF
The Dinnercruise Gambler Strikes
First, the all good news from the Casino. The Harrah’s New Orleans Casino is very good to me. It has been the site of several fun and profitable nights, including the blackout incident of 2001 where I came out $1,400 ahead. On this trip, it was mostly craps. (Name redacted) went on a 25-minute heater.
At one point this LSU coon-ass and his peanut gallery get up to shoot. No lie, he shot for 42 minutes, made 8 points, and everyone a ton of money. He and I shed all LSU-UF hatred during these rolls. Overall, my best guess is that I won about $350 on the trip.

Scorched Earth
As soon as we arrived, it was clear that the tailgating situation was going to limited and crazy. There had been an inch of rain the day before, and the entire campus had a half inch of muck on it. Many LSU girls and guys were wearing galoshes or duck hunting boots. We had to relocate everything from our parking spot to a ridge near a sidewalk. Some solid pre-drinking took place. LSU fans were bad, as usual. General Order #1853 “Scorched Earth Tailgating” was enforced with extreme abandon. My favorite move was to just drop whatever I was holding when I was done.

The He-coon Talks Trash
Plenty of jawing off. Some interesting things happened with that:
• Two LSU tailgates broke out in a giant fight with each other. They were set up in a real muddy area. Some of the girls were fighting each other in the mud, so we got free show. Later we found out that a lesbian girl had been making out with her girlfriend’s brother. This sparked a fight between the two HIGH SCHOOLS that were out tailgating the game.
• I was getting some trash talk from a real bumpkin who was wearing rubber boots. After he said his bit, I threw two quarters at the ground in front of him and said “Here’s 50 cents, go buy yourself some proper shoes, on me.” He got pissed at this, but his friends were laughing at the joke so he had no backup. He said something about my momma, to which I replied: “your broke ass should pick up my charity quarters.” And here is the best part- he picked them up. This was the closest to fighting I came that day.
• “Go home Gators!” reply: “I can’t wait”
• “This is our house!” reply: “Your house is a giant shithole.

When we returned to NO, the van was completely trashed, tire slashed, wheel underinflated, seats broken, cigar smoke. We might be on the hook for some extra cleanup fees.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VII

2009-10-15T09:31:00.002-05:00

October 15, 2009

Cincinnati at USF (+3), 7:30
EGM
The Big East showdown of the year...until one of these teams plays West Virginia or Pitt. Just thinking about those four teams makes me realize how the Big East is superior to the ACC.

Cincy has two likely first round picks in Tony Pike and Mardy Gilyard. Usf has two future NFL defensive ends in George Selvie and Jason Pierre Paul. Other than those players and USF's averagish frosh qb there isn't much to say about these teams. I imagine that USF will have difficulty running and throwing the football just because offense isn’t their “thing.” Perhaps Jim Leavitt has yet to headbutt a concrete wall enough times to figure out “offense.” Something tells me it doesn’t work that way anways. Meanwhile, despite USF ineptitude in the offensive arts, I’m betting they’ll get a defensive score to keep this one close until the fourth quarter. Cincy had big trouble with Va Tech’s defense last year and I’m sure USF will have watched those tapes. Unfortunately, they don’t have the same caliber of players to execute that game pla

Bearcats 24
Bulls 14

CB
Cincy 24
EwSef 25

ML
What's a Bearcat? 31
Tougher than a Bull 20

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VI

2009-10-08T22:46:00.003-05:00

El Gran Mono
Hands down, this is easily the best week in the SEC so far. I’m sure it would have been more prestigious in the eyes of the MSM if Ole Miss had not lost to the Cocks. However, reason alone says there was no chance Ole Miss was running through the SEC without three losses (including the impending loss to Bama). I think there is another “big” game on Saturday but I’ll leave that for later…

Happy B-Day to the Cuz!

Cuzzin’ Bailey
So I honestly thought if I waited long enough in the week I would have some news about Tebow to report and comment on…I was wrong. It totally looks like its gonna be a game-time decision and that’s cool, I’m totally confident in Brantley starting his first game ever in Death Valley at NIGHT (he says, completely full of shit). Anyways, huge group of friends heading to N’awlins minus me, I guess since I just left the dirty 30 club I have to tone down my antics…anyways, pretty good weekend of CFB we have in the SEC…I’ll just limp my old ass over to the picks section…

Malt Licker
Big Game WEEKEND!!!! Many of our loyal readers have made the trek to coonass land, and will no doubt get lubed up on Hurricanes and Hand Grenades. It’s almost a full slate of SEC action, with the night cap staking claim to game of the year. I hope all the players realize that whenever they score they should place the ball on the ground, run toward their own sideline, and avoid eye contact with everyone. Anything else would be excessive and might merit a suspension. The rest of the country has nothing else going on, so we tripled up on the game of the week like its last name is Tequila.

Auburn at Arkansas (+3), 12
ML
Major trap game for the Plainsmen, they are 5-0 and riding high after taking it to the Vols last week, and are 5th in the nation in yards per game. Unfortunately, Auburn’s trademark tough defense has not arrived yet, as they gave up 400+ yard to Crapton and Co. The Hawgs represented for the SEC by slaughtering the Aggies in Dallas. I see a lot of points this week. If Arkansas can contain Ben Tate and Onterio McCalebb, they could cover and win out right. Unfortunately they don’t have any players with misspelled Canadian provinces for first names.

Onterio Rules 38
Suh-Skatchyujuan drools 30

EGM
Plainsmen 28
Hawgs 35

CB
Orburn 23
Arkansizzle 24

Vandy at Army (+10.5), 12
ML
Boy….you can tell who had the last pick this week. I hate writing about Vanderbilt; there is nothing new or interesting to say. Pretty apropos, as there is nothing new or interesting about this pretentious university. I wish UF could play at Army; I’d love to watch a game at West Point. I hope the Cadets don’t think the Dores are what the SEC is all about. They are too smart for that.

Dores 21
Cadets 14

EGM
Dores 24
Black Knights 10

ML
Schmandy 34
ARMY 21

Georgia at Tennessee (Pk), 12:21
EGM
We have certainly reached the moment when we can definitively state that SEC officials are as bad or worse than ACC officials. And that’s pretty shitty folks. See 2002 FL-FSU as an exemplar if you need reminding. And for the SEC, see UGA-LSU. That said, if Georgia tackles a little better this wouldn’t have been an issue.

Against the Plainsmen, the Vols once again proved they have no ability to pass. Hardesty is definitely a stud but Georgia should be smart enough to sniff that action out. Meanwhile, Joe Cox has had problems of his own. Sometimes he misses receivers by 20 ft and at other times he hits receivers in stride 30 yards downfield. If Georgia’s running game was more consistent then I would predict them to win by at least ten. Lane Kiffin is so good he has yet to win an SEC game. Maybe he’ll shout down the AD for not scheduling Vandy and Kentucky earlier in the season.

Road Dawgs 21
Ofer the SEC 17

CB
UGly 22
slUTs 21

ML
Uga 24
Smokey 13

Kentucky at South Carolina (-11.5), 12:30
CB
I love how USCe has totally separated themselves from the shit pile of the SEC East. Now when someone tells us Gator fans about how crappy our schedule is, the Gamecocks are the LAST team they mention! Congrats, you are now the best of the crummy teams that UF plays. What to say here…UK’s QB Hartline is just ridiculously terrible and the ‘Cocks’ Garcia es bien. This will be the 3rd straight decent to great defense that the ‘Cats have faced in as many weeks (this one being on the “decent” side), so while you can look for the late scoring drive or the missed assignment(s) keeping Kensucky in this one, I think we might (just might) see Spur-Dawg open up a can of whoop-ass…not a big can, but one of those single-serving cans you find in the lunchables aisle…

UKizzle 14
Sorth Caroline 26

EGM
Kats 13
Cocks 24

ML
Tucky 14
Cockalacky 31

Houston at Mississippi State +3
EGM
How many out of conference games does Miss State play? It seems like light years since they blew the LSU game. The Coogs come into this game after getting plowed by UTEP. I think they gave up 400+ rushing yards and 50 points. Given the fact that UTEP completely blows, I think Miss State actually has a chance to win. Case Keenum is definitely a good player but he can’t play defense. I imagine this lack of defense will lead to a Tyson Lee/Anthony Dixon SEC Player of the Week award. Its hard to believe Miss State is getting three points after Houston showed their true colors.

Coogs 31
Other Dawgs 41

CB
Outta the 25 45
Mess State 17

ML
Cougs 24
MSU 14

Alabama at Ole Miss (+7), 3:30
CB
This is an interesting game, and I say that for a number of reasons, but for your reading enjoyment I’ll just breeze by a few of them. Number 1: while we’re picking this game at the opening line of 7, it has since dropped to 4.5. I’m not going to be stupid and imply that the gamblahs don’t know something I don’t, but I’m an ESPN.com whore and I haven’t heard shit. Number 2: this kind of correlates to the first one, I mean Ole Miss lost to USCe two weeks ago and “meh’ed” their way to a win AT Vandy last Saturday. While Bama has man-handled every team in their path since beating a good VT team at the beginning of the season. These two reasons make me wonder why the line/confidence in the Tide is dropping as the week progresses. I mean I get that Jevan Snead is good and that the Rebs were a team that took a lot of folks for surprise last year, but this new deflated line implies that I don’t know something (which is ridiculous). So I pulled my rabbit out of my hat and ran the numbers. Let’s see: Alabama has lost 3 games to Mississippi since 1992 (including a mysterious forfeit in ’93) but more recently, i.e. ’05 and up, the scores have all been 3 point Crimson wins with the exception of last year’s close 4 point vic in Tuscaloosa (I was there, very exciting). I think I know what’s going on here. Regardless of the talent, the Rebs come to play for this game, especially lately. SO after all that, I seriously haven’t learned anything. I’m just gonna say that I probably think that Bama will win, their defense is sick and their running game is scaring me as a Gator fan (and we aren’t gonna play them til December). It all comes down to Snead. If he can make his throws, and not play like punk he did in Columbia, this will be closer than the early spread, if he doesn’t come through, it’ll be close early, and then Bama will probably pull away…

Roll TIIIIIIIIIDE 28
Passin’ Rebs 20

EGM
Bama 21
Rebs 20

ML
Satan 31
Nutt 28

Florida at LSU (+8.5), 8
EGM
Will Timmy play? I think not. The guy couldn’t watch TV until earlier this week let alone run people over. Johnny Brantley is a capable backup and should be a capable steward of the offense. The real story in this game. will Jordan Jefferson throw three picks or four? The guy has one of the slowest deliveries outside of a Japanese pitcher that I’ve ever seen. That fact compounded with his penchant for locking on his receivers does not bode well for the Cajuns. I’m sure any LSU fan is probably worked up after the Jefferson hate and is now saying things like “what about our defense?” and “Rahim Alem!”. I hate (love) bursting that bubble but LSU’s defense is not that great. They have serious issues stopping the run and have no pass rush. See Miss State game.

The story before the game will focus entirely on Tebow but the Gators defense and ball hawking secondary are the real story. LSU won’t put double digits on the board. Cuzzin’ “rag arm” Bailey could manage the Gators offense this week and they would still win. Eat the points even if its “at night”.

Gators 31
Tiggers 9

CB
I like this format. I like having the opportunity to talk about my Gators. My favorite line in the past two weeks has been this from a Tigah fan, “Personally, I hope Tebow plays so when yall lose, we won’t have hear none of that ‘oh if only he’d played’ crap.” Basically what that douchebag was saying was this, in between Cajun grumblings, “We KNOW we can’t beat yall unless da Son of da Lawd is riding da pine.” What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. Some Cajuns you just can’t reach, so you get what we got here, which is the way they want it, well, they get it. Tebow may or may not play, all I know is that now Les Miles is preparing for two different quarterbacks, so that might give us some kind of advantage. But the thing that has been completely overlooked with Concussion-Gate going on is the fact that we have a really f*cking good defense. I know LSU’s D is supposedly “good” as well, but they are the ones that almost got run out of the high school stadium aka Davis-Wade in Starkvegas. Hate to sound like a broken record, but this is another case where if the QB with the question mark by his name can make plays, but more importantly keep the mistakes to a minimum, it will change the entire dynamic of the game. If young Johnny Brantley can “Chris Leak” his way through this game, then we may have another quarterback controversy in Gainesville. Haha just kidding, but seriously, let’s win, after all, Purple shirt? Yellow britches? Go to hell you Cajun bitches!

GATORS! 30
LSU BLEAUXS 21

ML
Man o man, 2 years ago I made the trek to Nawlins and the Red Stick, only to watch LSU convert 9 consecutive 4th downs and sending our beloved Gators home with a heartbreaking loss. This year, we may have to go in without Superman. If we can shut down LSU’s run game and force Jefferson to throw the ball, our ball hawking secondary will take over the game. If Urban doesn’t think Tebow can play full bore, he shouldn’t play. I fully expect a raucous crowd, and an early break for the Tigers, if we can weather that storm, our talent on the lines should spell the difference, with or without Tebow.

Urban’s W 24
Les’ L 10

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V

2009-10-01T22:24:00.001-05:00

ML
I don’t know about the rest of you, but my heart is finally out of the pit of my stomach. Watching Timmy knocked out like that scared the living hell out of me. I watched the games with my parents and my Mom kept saying, “look how his head snapped forward,” prompting me to bite her head off. Anyway, I know LSU is a big game, but we should be extra cautious and avoid rushing Tebow back, if he has another concussion shortly after this one it might end his career, not to mention ruin his quality of life. Luckily, our Gators are enjoying a much-needed week off. I hope Johnny Brantley is in the film room and showing his teammates that he can lead them into battle if needed. There are some big games in the SEC this week, so there will be plenty of football to watch

EGM
Back in the editor’s chair this week and feeling quite rested. The 6-3 record ATS doesn’t hurt either. Unfortunately, my colleagues decided to match my brilliance and prevented me from gaining further ground. Did you hear that Tim Tebow sustained a concussion? Yeah, me either.

Cuzzin Bailey
This is Cuzzin Bailey coming to you live from Gainesville, FL. Apparently, and I stress the word apparently, Tim Tebow was injured last weekend. I’m just reiterating this in case you haven’t heard the news. Psychotic fans were rejoicing everywhere this past Saturday as Tim lay on the bluegrass motionless (trust me, I saw that behavior here in ________, Fl). Anyways, that’s all behind me now. UF has a week off so there’s no need for me to go on an anti-Vol, or Tiger, or Dawg tirade at this point. But let me talk about something else that bothers me. When are you considered old enough to complain anonymously about your unruly apartment complex neighbors’ noise? I feel like a crotchety old man. Alright enough of that…here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening in college football: Looks like Sam Bradford is out this weekend, Alabama is good, LSU is not, Auburn is unproven and Lane Kiffin is still an asshole…on to the picks!

October 3, 2009
12:21pm
Alabama at Kentucky (+17)
CB
I wasn’t kidding when I said that Bama is good. They are really showing that the power run game is still a marquee form of offense. McElroy, the Tide QB, is proving that he is much more reliable than JP Wilson from last year, and while they may not come at you and lay down 31 points in the 1st quarter, they will probably put a bigger hurting on the defensive line than UF did. I would look for Alabama running back Ingram to have a big game with over 100 yards and 3 TDs, while the Cats still revel in their teams ability to finally get at Tebow, like it was catnip…

Tiiiiiiiiiiiide 40
Kensucky 3

ML
Rammer 30
Spanktucky 10

EGM
Bamer 31
KY 10

3:30pm
LSU at UGA (-2)
ML
Joe Cox and the Dawgs edged out ASU with a late field goal last week, and Les and the Bengals were lucky to escape Starkville unscathed. LSU is unlikely to look ahead to next week, as they are a slight underdog heading into Athens. It may boil down to Chad Jones vs. A.J. Green. Each player carried their teams to victory last week and the winner of that matchup will be crucial. Coach pRicht’s Bulldogs have been sloppy holding onto the ball this year, which must frustrate the balding coach. Anyone who’s ever seen him work at the Tifton rest stop knows how much values taking care of balls.

LSU 20
Our coach will lick you 17

EGM
Cajuns 17
Dawgs 24

CB
LSYOUSUCK 24
Ugh, a home loss 23

7:00pm
South Carolina State at South Carolina (NL)
EGM
South Carolina State may be a “new state of mind” according to their website but their football program stinks like old potatoes. Drunky Garcia could drink a gallon of Mickey’s Ice and still throw 3 touchys in this one.

HBC Style Bulldogs 3
Cocks 38

ML
Historically Black Bulldogs 3
Cocks 45

CB
Sorth Carolina Stizzle 6
Cocks Blow 40

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt (+9.5)
ML
After losing last Thursday, Houston’s boys had an extra 2 days to lick their wounds and think about the loss to SC. The Jevan Snead Heisman Campaign and the Rebs’ top five status fell victim to the ESPN Thursday night curse. Now they find themselves out of the top 20 and looking to rebound against the Dores. Meanwhile, Vandy finds itself in a familiar position, the bottom of the SEC. They “kept it close” against LSU and Miss. State. You know your program has low expectations when a loss to MSU at home is anything other than an embarrassment.

Miss 28
Vandy 10

EGM
Rebs 37
Dores 13

CB
Ole Miss 31
Vandahbelt 20

7:30pm
Georgia Tech at Mississippi State (+4)
EGM
My comments about Ga Tech’s offense caused some serious backlash from our number one Yellow Jacket reader/supporter. Perhaps, the true revenge came when I was stung about 15 times by Yellow Jackets in my back yard about a month ago. If Georgia Tech had a better defense I would have taken this event as a sign of a possible national championship run.

This year I have much more respect for the Tech wicked running attack. Despite that respect, Miss State appears to be much improved under Mullen and should stay closer than last year…and by closer I mean 8-10 points.

We like to run 28
We like to lose 20

ML
Tech 28
State 20

CB
Smart People in GA? 34
Mess State 20

Arkansas at Texas A&M (+2)
ML
Remember the days of the ol’ South West Conference? Where every coach was crooked and they all ran the wishbone? Now these two teams bring their fancy passing offenses to Jerry Jones’ state of the art new stadium. Did you hear Jerry Jones has a new stadium? Apparently it has a really big scoreboard too. Aren’t you glad I’m here? You probably would not have heard about it. The Aggies are undefeated, but the meat of their schedule starts this week, as they look to gig the hawgs with their spread-read option attack. Coach Petrino, aka “the Soul-less One” needs to bounce back after a big L in Tuscaloosa. If they can eliminate the big play, they should be able to edge the Aggies and make Mr. Jones a happy man.

Sooey 34
Gig-less 20

EGM
Hawgs 28
Ags 24

CB
Abandon Ark 35
Arts & Musicians? 17

7:45pm
Auburn at Tennessee (-2)
CB
I can’t tell you how happy I am that I get to be the one that writes about this game. These are two of my most hated team s in the SEC. But to be legit for a few seconds, I’ll talk about the game. Here are my impressions from looking at the numbers (my favorite way of picking): Looks like Aubs has a pretty good offense and UT has a great defense. It seems as though its possible to score on the Tigers, but are we talking about UT running the football 50 times in order to notch 30+ points? I don’t see that happening. I also don’t see a point in giving the Vuls any cred for home field advantage. They lost to UCLA in Neyland Stadium for God’s sake. I think that UT’s O hasn’t gotten that much better and I further believe that Auburn is better than most folks give them credit for…Here are the two scenarios I envision. 1) Auburn tosses the rock around but makes some costly turnovers early and never recovers as UT pounces on them quick, or 2) The Tigers still play pretty wide open without allowing those TOs and sends the Vols Navy back to their riverside trailer parks a few hours earlier than they expected…hard to root for either occurrence, but since Kiffin is probably the anti-Christ, I’ll “support” Auburn this time only…

Aubbie belongs in a zoo 23
Hate UT 13

ML
Tigers 24
Vols 20

EGM
Plainsmen 24
Vols 13

CB
Florida – OFF
And now I get write about my favorite team in the SEC. Here’s what I have learned in the past week: Regardless about how much folks hate UF and Tim Tebow, I never expected to see and hear celebration when there was a chance he was paralyzed, laying there on the field. It really surprised me. Anyways, with the possibility that TT won’t be cleared for next week’s game, it may be Johnny Brantley time (one year early). I don’t think I’m necessarily worried about his abilities. He’s got a heck of an arm and doesn’t seem like anything on earth bothers him, but its that damn streak of LSU’s that is pissing me off. They haven’t lost a home night game since like 05? That game seems like a time when we would need all our top guys and all of ‘em playing their top game…I guess we’ll just have to see what happens this week if we really need to consider LSU a “test.” Til then, GO GATORS, bury the rest.

Game of the Week

8:00
Oklahoma at Miami (+7.5)
EGM
And reality cometh to my Alma Mater of lesser note. Did Miami fans really think they were going to kick ass in Blacksburg? No one does that, let alone teams that have 250 lbs DTs. Beamer ball and a strong running game were too strong for the Canes. Jacory Harris also looked like the young, erratic QB that he truly is.

Seven and half is always a scary line but I think Vegas is trying to scare people away from Oklahoma. The Sooners have a much improved defense and their offense appears to be clicking again. Landry Jones can sling it around a little and the Sooners big, albeit young OL, should push around the small Miami DL. Demarco Murray and Chris Brown should run wild.

To sum it up, this game won’t be close. The Sooners defense and offense is dramatically better than Va Tech’s. My dog says this is the Bone Cold Lock of the week.

Boomer Sooner 41
Canes 13

ML
Boomer Sooner 34
Down and Coked out 20

CB
Dust Bowl 24
Coke Bowl 27

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week IV

2009-09-23T22:13:00.003-05:00

Cuzzin Bailey
Well…last weekend was case lesson in duality. On one hand, my guest Bourbon Girl and I had a great time in G-Ville tailgating with friends, drinking some beers, eating some bbq and getting hooked up with some cool-down time in the Letterman Club in the Swamp (thank you DinnerCruise Gambler!) That was the outstanding hand. On the other side, the Gators looked pretty pedestrian with their ball control/turnover game plan; the late TO by T-BOW made this game look closer than it actually was, (never did I actually think we would lose). However, we did win, Urb and Timmy are now undefeated against UT, the Gators are 3-0 and somehow Lane Kiffin is celebrating as if they won! HAHA Sorry, my affection for “moral victories” went the way of the Zooker. No such thing Laney. Yall lost, we won, more to come of both…

P.S. If you are reading this, be sure to add BourbonBoys Picks as a friend on Facebook!

Malt Licker
I’d like to thank Jimmy Carter for subbing in for me last week. I feel like a grenade went off inside my sinuses, so I wish he was here this week. Unfortunately, he is on a pilgrimage to the burial sites of Ho Chi Minh, Pol Pot and Chairman Mao. Speaking of pilgrimages, I made mine to Gainesville last week to watch Lil’ Lane and his boys “win” 13-23. Seriously, give me a break. Was Knoxville’s case of Phat Phil Fatigue so serious that they have no problem swallowing a 4-8 season? I must admit that the game revealed some chinks in the Gator armor. All we need is one of the young wide receivers to step up.

El Gran Mono
Given that I'm only miles from the home of Stonewall Jackson in my Shenandoah refuge, I'll keep things plain and simple just like Thomas Jackson himself.

Did all Gator fans want to win by 600 points last Saturday? Did Tennessee only want to compete? The answer to both questions is definitely "yes". However, despite the respective anger and happiness one truth remains, UF plays for titles and the Vols for bowl eligibility. Let the quests continue and the words diminish.

Thu 09/24

Mississippi at South Carolina (+3), 7:30
EGM
The Cocks are the first test for the overrated Rebs. Since when do SEC games of this magnitude get played on Thursday night? I thought that was reserved for the ACC Games of the Century.

The Cocks lost a heartbreaker two weeks ago but that game saw the emergence of Drunky Garcia. Spurdog can really do some damage with a talented QB who's not scared of the blitz.

Ole Miss has a good offense. And will put up some points but I doubt their untested and average defense will hold up. I'll take the cocks in a straight up W.

Rebs 24
Cocks 27

CB
Fever 34
Stever (that’s a stretch) 23

ML
Ole Piss 20
South Cackalacky 21

Sat 09/26

LSU at Mississippi State (+12.5), 12:20
EGM
After Miss State put down lowly Vandy last week, people are talking rejuvenation under Dan Mullen. What really needs rejuvenation is the Starkville bar scene. Perhaps CUzzin' Bailey could consult on such an operation.

I'm not sold on LSU as a great team and I'm not sold on Miss State as an average team. Jordan Jefferson is extremely raw and often goes with the tomato can approach to the passing game. This shadiness will keep the Dawgs in the game and cover quite easily.

Tigers 24
Dawgs 17

CB
Dirty Cajuns 35
Dirty Dogs 14

ML
Tigers 28
Piss St 14

Arkansas at Alabama (-17), 3:30
ML
So far this year, Ryan Mallett has been the Pinball Wizard to coach Petrino’s high scoring offense. ‘Bama may look the best out of SEC teams thus far. They roll into SEC play 3-0 and look to make an opening statement in the race for the Western division title. The Hogs have the 2nd ranked offense in the country and will put some points on the board, but they face the 3rd ranked defense in the nation. Bama will need to put up 20+ to win, and they need a healthy Julio Jones to make that happen.

Sooey 17
Tiiiiiiiiiide 38

CB
Razah Backs 13
Crimson Tiiide 40

EGM
Hawgs 20
Bamer 34

Florida at Kentucky (+21.5), 6
CB
Some genius sportswriter from the Gainesville Sun said it best, this is a great time for the Gators to hit the road, and if history is a teacher at all, this is a great opponent too. UF really needs to get out into the wild this weekend for a backyard brawl (in which they are heavily favored). I see that all my jokes about Ole Miss’ team coming down with the flu have come back and bit me on the buttocks. Fine, I apologize to the flu Gods! (except for that previous joke). Look, this is simple, either UF plays up to their potential, or they don’t. Either way its gonna take more than just two mistakes by Tebow to cost the Gators the game, but the real question (as it was last week) is whether or not UF is gonna put the Big Blue to bed early, or let them stay up to watch Carson. I say make it apparent early that the visitors are NOT in Lexington to ogle the blonde beyatches, but to get down to (football) business…

GO GATORS 42
Cowardly Cats 14

ML
Gatorzzzzzzz 44
Kats 9

EGM
Gators 60
Cats 10

Ohio at Tennessee (-21.5), 7
CB
First off, cheers to Kiffin Jr. It takes a REAL man to make fun of players with the flu. I mean I guess if you really are in charge of a team that sucks as bad as the Vuls, you pick your battles. Watch out all you senior citizens in Knoxville, seems like Lane is smelling blood in the water! My prediction is he goes after the blind next…Speaking of which, what do you think J. Crompton’s eyesight is like? Is he NOT the worst QB you have ever seen??? Anyways, word is, the Bobcats are actually coming to play this weekend (unlike the Vols offensive play callers last week, zing!). Tough Defense, marginal offense…haha which team am I talking about?? Frankly, UT’s RB Hardesty is pretty narsty and I think that even a poor day by Crompton won’t keep the Orange out of the W column…

BobCats 12
Pussies 30

ML
Bobcats 10
Douchebags 24

EGM
Bobcats 7
Vols. 24

Ball State at Auburn (-33)
ML
Letterman U visits the plains to take on the rejuvenated Tigers. Gene Chizik is riding the backs of his backs, Ben Tate and Onterio McCalebb, and is generating a buzz in Auburn. The Cardinals are one of the worst teams in Division I and are winless thus far. I could not be less interested in a game…

Gap Tooth U 3
War Eagle 45

CB
Ball Scraight 7
Opelika 50

EGM
Douche Hats 10
Plainsmen 49

Arizona State at Georgia (-12.5)
CB
I feel like I’m on Candid Camera or something. Why is UGA favored by 13 points here? I mean I understand that they have been in some shootouts lately, but one of them was against a pathetic South Carolina team! They have no defense, and ASU is ranked #1 in the nation in Defense. I’m looking for UGA to resort to actually playing some defense (if possible) and AT THE SAME TIME mind you, keep up their offensive tear. Only then will they be able to win comfortably and stop the damage they have already done to the Bulldog fans’ livers…

Sun Devil Went Down to …yea you get it 23
Devil Water Drinking Dawgs 30

ML
Sunny D’s 20
Cox’ Army 38

EGM
Sun devils 17
Dawgs 34

Vanderbilt at Rice (+7.5), 8
EGM
The battle of the small private schools masquerading in big football conferences. Wait a second, Rice isn't in the Big 12 like many of their former SWC mates. Vandy is in the SEC.

Honestly, that's about all the analysis I can give on this game.

Hooters 10
Vandy 21

CB
Schmandy 37
Lice 10

ML
Smart SEC 21
Smart Big 12 10

GAME OF THE WEEK

UM at VT (+3), 3:30
ML
Alright Canes fans, let’s put down the coke and settle down. You have beat two fellow ACC teams with more than a week to prepare before each game. I know you are excited to have your first decent quarterback since Ken Dorsey. But you really need to relax. Blacksburg is a town where undefeated seasons go to die. The Hokies edged out the Huskers last week, and need their traditional bread and butter, defense and special teams, to carry them if they want to take down the Canes. I’m looking for Jacory Harris to fall back to earth and turn the ball over a couple times. The Hokies will take advantage and cause South Florida to jump back off the bandwagon

scUM 17
Hokie Hokie Hokie!!! 21

CB
“Big Wins?” 23
Home Dog Hokies 21

EGM
Back to reality 13
Hokies 20