Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IX

El Gran Mono

Week 9 games include such insurmountable foes as North Texas and Utah State. I propose that the AD’s of the SEC grow some balls and stop scheduling these bullshit teams. The Cocktail Party is the only real game of the week and the over/under on that game is in the teens. Its almost as if I’m praying for college basketball to start so I don’t have to watch this horsecrap anymore. I need a Cuzzin’ Bailey story of frivolity and 200 lbs women to cheer me up…but I’ll take a Gator victory instead.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

A sense of relief came over me this past weekend. We went camping, and there was no need to sit around a TV, grasping onto my beer hoping, check that, praying that Chris Leak would find his receiver and the Gators would get a much needed first down or even Touchdown. All of that went away this weekend as we held onto beers around a campfire, freezing our stoners off, but enjoying the company of good friends. Then I was hit with another small dose of reality on Monday when I read this article about the Gators and how spoiled we have become. The article focused on the 2001 season. UF went 10-2 and just missed out on the SEC championship game, and probably the Rose bowl due to a late loss to Tennessee. The game was supposed to be played in September, but something awful happened the week before and obviously football became the least important thing in ours lives. Anyways, the article made it clear two things to me….1) we MUST give this program time, our spoiled attitude is bloody ridiculous and 2) football may not be the most important thing ever….what the hell am I saying?? I am scaring myself right now haha….The Cocktail party is this weekend and if the gamblers have any sense of anything, then the Gators may have a good chance at winning the game this weekend, but more on that later. I will finish my intro with a plea to the Gator fans everywhere; please hold your orders of the your “Fire Coach Meyer” shirts, and please don’t wear jorts this weekend!!! The loser Jawga fans feed off of it….

Malt Licker

This will be a scaled down version of the Bourbon Boys, as yours truly has had to vacate South Florida and the after-effects of Hurricane Wilma. Yes, hurricane fatigue has truly set in.

Utah State at Alabama

EGM

Utah Fucking State. What a crock of shit.

Mormons are pussies 8

But so is the Bama AD 45

CB

I don’t know about the Irish but I want some of the “Luck of the Redneck.” As I said before, last week I was bonding with nature when apparently the Ghost of Bear Bryant laid his hand upon the Volunteer football and forced it out of the back of the endzone allowing the Tide to march down the field and kick an eventual game winning field goal for an incredible 6-3 win over the hapless Vols. Thankfully for Alerbamer, this weekend they will not need to rub the Barney (sic) Stone located in some Hillbilly’s tool shed in Center, AL. Utawr State is just what the doctor ordered to get some offense going … Maybe Shula can get Brodie injured again this year against another craptacular team…

We ain’t so good 13

Ohh my, they’re after me pot o’ dip spit 45

ML

If Bama manages to go through the SEC undefeated, I don’t want to hear any arguments that they should be in the BCS championship game. Play a nonconference schedule that has at least one respectable team, and then come talk to me.

The worst Aggies Available 7

Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy,

just like everyone on our non conference schedule 31

Ole Miss at Auburn

EGM

I remember when this game actually meant something two years ago during Eli’s epic run. Unfortunately, that game broke a streak of about 5000 years of meaninglessness and started a new streak that continues today. If this game was settled on who had the stupidest sounding southern accent and matching hair then it might actually be interesting. TT Da’ Gambler will own his former school.

Ole’ Piss 4

Teatotaling bags of shit 12

CB

Aww-shucks Aww-barn. I was rooting fer ya last week. While the Tigers really let me down last week, they are still totally in the SEC West race…Bamer is looking more and more fucked up ever since they blew out my alma mater and LSU’s luck can’t hold out the entire season, one would think. So this is not the time for the Plainsmen to pack up and fold to the team that invented southern hair. The Reb’s are going to try and invade Jerden(sic)-Hare Stadium this weekend and implement a zero-haircut policy, but they are clearly underestimating the War Eagles’ fratastic hats and checkbook sized wallets…it’s a battle of rich suthun’ pretty boys, and he with the most clichés will be pronounced the winner….

Touch the hair and you die, Yankee! 16

Is that your wallet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 23

ML

The Hair and Tie Bowl. I heard that Auburn’s kicker was lynched on Toomer’s Corner following his choke against LSU. Wait…it’s probably offensive to use the term “lynch” nowadays. We can’t even state the obvious that black Americans are more likely to have world-class speed.

Drunk flowing locks 16

Sober flowing locks 37

Georgia vs Florida at Jacksonville, FL

EGM

I’m disappointed the Shocker will not be playing this week. I always look forward to the surprise reaction when he slips through cracks in the defense. UF couldn’t move the ball on a Pop Warner defense right now and despise anything that may be deemed “traditional”. That sort of attitude will go nowhere with a Georgia defense that has eaten up several teams. Even the mad Pole Joe Terishinski can’t blow this game.

Red shirts and black stretch pants rule 9

Jean shirts and gold chains suck 8

CB

I, wisely, spent all of Monday on the Gatorsports.com message boards trying to get a straight answer about DJ “Mix Magic” “the Shocker!” Shockley. I found it so confusing that Bulldogs everywhere, including those in my own office!, were trying to convince me and the whole world that their starting QB would be out for this huge game. This is the game he came to UGA to play in and now he is just gonna rest up for Auburn….it just seemed so contrived, so planned out to fool the Gators into thinking we had a chance… I thought for sure they were just saying all that to trick us into a false sense of security, and then I realized that I just might be the most paranoid person in the world. The Gators are favored by 4 as of right now (me writing this, not you reading it)….and that gives me some hope that perhaps we are capable of a crazy huge victory this year … The Gator D has to be huge this weekend (as they have been lately) and I just hope to heck that our offense will be up to the challenge. If I lose, I’m wearing a blasted UGA shirt around work next week, with (sigh) pressed khakis … I don’t think I can handle that … GO GATORS!

Extra Starch Yall! 16

Orange and Blue, and a Brew or TWO! 20

ML

Apparantly we are “tweaking” the offense, I’ll believe it when I see it. Thankfully, the Shocker is out of commission, and this polock replacement is slated to start in the biggest game of his pathetic career. This is also the biggest game of Urban’s life, as it will keep the Gators alive in the Eastern division. Defensive struggle is mandatory for Gator chances, as they have no chance to cover the spread dictated by Vegas, unless we totally abandon the offensive playbook of Zeta Beta Tau.

Shocker-less dildos 10

I haven’t worn Jorts in years 12

Mississippi State at Kentucky

EGM

You can’t even dream up a matchup worse than this.

Stansbury sucks dick 19

Tubby beats his wife 17

CB

Another God-awful match up. I have finally shut those MSU fuckers up from my Yahoo! College Football Pick’em message board… I think they realized that jokes about how Southbeach-ish the Gator fans are and how “students schedule their classes around Laguna Beach” was just a) fucking lunacy, and b) not even funny. I feel sorry for the hotties in Lexington this weekend, who have to endure such atrocious behavior from the Bulldog fans. Hopefully the fact that bars close at 1am up there, will keep the psychos from Starkville just sober enough not to be total douchebags …. This game is hardly even worth talking about….

Stupidity is only sort of funny 27

Ashley Judd… sooo hot! 24

ML

What an ugly game, Miss. St lost to Houston and Kentucky is well, Kentucky. Gambling Rule #5, when two crappy teams with two crappy quarterbacks get together, go with the crappy team that’s at home

Focused on Egg Bowl 13

Focused on Preseason NIT 10

South Carolina at Tennessee

EGM

Spurdog vs Fulmer. Who ever thought this game would suck so much? UT lost their best offensive weapon in Gerald Riggs so now the Bald Pickle Man must take over and beat teams with his rag arm. UT’s defense is still pretty stout and should be able to stop the Cocks.

Spurdog needs a couple seasons to recruit 13

Fulmer recruits like he eats 31

CB

Remember when we used to always root for USC to upset UT because we hated Tennessee and we really wanted some breathing room in the East? Well three things have happened to make this the most boring game of the week. 1) the Vols are totally out of the race for the SEC Championship, 2) we don’t hold the lead in our division so it really doesn’t matter, and 3) Gerald Riggs is out and the pathetic Tennessee offense managed only to get in field goal range for a whopping 3 points last week…I wonder how shitty Phatass Phil feels now that his team is as much of a joke as his weight….

A shread of defense can go a long way 10

Do we have an offense now that Riggs is out? 12

ML

Will the beat up on Spurrier theme continue among all his former whipping boys? UT doesn’t have the offense to beat up on anyone. Since women and homos are the only ones that eat cock, I don’t think Phat Phil (Assuming he’s hetero) will be as distracted as he would be if he played the Fighting Blue Hens

Chickies 13

Vawallz 16

North Texas at LSU

EGM

Ah, the classic midseason matchup with a Sunbelt conference powerhouse.

Mean Green 9

Mean BO 37

CB

This is the opportunity that LSU gets to make up for the game that was previously postponed because George Bush hates America to the point that he can conjure up hurricanes. North Texas..zzzzzz huh? What? … this game has no interest to me, but I won’t feel like I am doing this justice if I don’t at least mention that LSU, with one SEC loss, took a step in the right direction last week by beating Auburn. This is a great weekend for the Cajun population to just get crazy hammered ….

Wake me up when we get to “North” Texas 10

Don’t wake me up, I’m hungover 45

ML

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

NTU 7

LSWho!!!!! 33

Arkansas – OFF

EGM

Arkansas is the worst passing team of the 21^st century.

CB

It took an injury to UGA’s “star” to keep the Razahbacks in the game last week…You know what? Screw Arkansas …. I’m watching this thing on TV that is showing the 100 Scariest Scenes in Movies …. The 2005 Razorback season might be in this somewhere, I’ll let yall know…BAM! what was that????? Oh, another loss

ML

I’m sorry for doubting Arkansas had a chance to pull the upset, job well done though with the injury to Shocker.

Vanderbilt – OFF

EGM

Any thoughts of a bowl game were extremely misguided.

CB

Poor little Vandies! This looked like it could be their year….but that was a horrible, horrible mistake …. I guess with this being Halloween weekend, maybe they can dress up as a real team since they have nothing to lose.

ML

Vandy’s coaches are worried about paper cuts and carpal tunnel that could develop during the bye week.

North Carolina at Miami

EGM

The Cokeheads look to avenge their loss to the pitiful Tarheels. I would rather be beaten senseless with a tee ball bat than watch this game.

That’s not tar on your foot, its dogshit 7

Do you know a coke hookup in Blacksburg? 22

CB

I guess when the ACC voted to allow Mee-ami into their conference they all totally forgot that their innocent student/athletes would have to travel to the Cocaine Capitol of America. They got some quality product down there, much more pure than what you’ll find in Chapel Hill that’s for sure, ese. Well hold on, would you call Carolina’s signature color, “Powder Blue”??? That’s kind of ironic don’t you think? Powder…Coke…. C’mon people, I can’t walk you through every joke…

Carolina ‘Crunk 17

SouthBeach Smoke 33

ML

Contrary to media reports, its not chaos in South Florida. There is a bright side to all this, with power out throughout much of the area maybe people will actually go to the UM game.

Tar Babies 17
Our nickname is quite apropos 37

Maryland at Florida State

EGM

FSU managed to right the ship last week against the Pukies. Maryland knows how to play a little defense so they might keep themselves in the game. However, I see one of many jailbird Criminole wideouts breaking free late in the game.

Turtles on the half shell 10

Convicts 17

CB

I love listening to sports radio here in ACC country. All this, “Maryland is gonna beat FSU” talk and shit like that just shows exactly what kind of homers I have to deal with everyday. That compounded by listening to Tony Kornheiser and the liberal banter that he mistakes for sports talk drives me crazy when I am running late for work everyday. Anyways, the Criminoles beat up on Puke last week and Murrahland lost to the fluke (Va Tech.) Its pretty pathetic to see FSU playing like, this so for their cracktastic sake, lets hope they don’t look like … what am I saying? An FSU loss is probably one of the better things I can think of…However with a loss, that may set off a huge crime spree in Tally… and once again, why would this bother me?? I say Go Terps this weekend however unlikely …

Liberal Turtles 19

Apolitical Thugs 31

ML

Revenge game for the criminals. The only thing I know about Maryland is they have the fattest coach on earth.

Fear the Turtle!!!! 14

Fear the Police!!!!! 34

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 53 14 79

El Gran Mono 52 15 78

Malt Licker 50 17 75

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII

Malt Licker

Well another hurricane is bearing down on Florida, and people are freaking out yet again. We just need a giant Fred Flintstone to stand in the gulf and beat down old Wilma. This weekend of College football has a tough act to follow, although I doubt heartbroken fans in South Bend, State College, and Gainesville will agree. These picks will show the Malt Licker at his most pessimistic and cynical

El Gran Mono

I begin by apologizing to all of our faithful readers for my lateness in producing the Bourbon Boys. Good thing my two companions produce such quality material to make up for my assclownish behavior. Another summary Bourbon Boys from yours truly…

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well I’ll be honest with you, this isn’t the most inspired I have ever been. Two losses and one to a jackass team that turned the ball over 5 times. How does that happen? LSU is a damn joke. Any decent team with a grasp of their offense would have no trouble beating them. Here I was just a few weeks ago ripping on Danny Ainge’s moron nephew for his loserific performance, and I now I have no room to talk. For the record I am not bailing on my team or even on Urban by any stretch of the imagination. I am merely stating that I have zero faith in them winning in two weeks against f-ing Georgia. It really hurts to say that and so with a heavy heart, I bring you a depressing, “someone just ran over my dog,” negative episode of Cuzzin Bailey’s Bourbon Boy picks…..oh yea on a good note, Cuzzin Bailey’s sister got engaged this weekend, Awesome huh!!! But back to being solemn … here you go folks …whatever…

Arkansas at Georgia

ML

I don’t get why all these clowns are predicting a huge upset for the Hawgs. Well Whoopy-Whoop, they are 6^th in the nation in rushing!!!! You would be too if you had an idiot playing QB, oh wait, the gators have an idiot playing QB and we aren’t 6^th in the nation. Jawja had a snoozer against Vandy. Will the Shocker bust this Nutt? Most definitely.

Arkies 13

UGAs 28

EGM

Arkansas could be the worst team in the SEC. Georgia could be the best team. The funny thing is that UGA fans are still nervous about next week despite the general crappiness of the UF offense.

Houston Nutt is flaming out like Wes Clark 10

The perfect crease in the khakis = Victory 35

CB

I was planning on talking about how if UGA loses 2 of its remaining 4 SEC games, and the Gators hand them one of the Ls, then UF would probably go to the SEC Champ. Game, but then I realized I was fucking dreaming … Arkansas couldn’t win a game of tittley winks against a kid with no thumbs … (depressing huh?) DJ Mix Magic Shockley probably has a homecoming sized shocker in mind for this game. If the Stoner students can get up for this one, they’ll probably see some sick display of kicking ass….

Where’d that kid with no thumbs go? 10

Put the bong down Billy-Bob…. 45

Kentucky at Ole Miss

ML

The two colleges east not named USC that are most loaded with the most hot blondes meet in a classic showdown. Unfortunately, said hot blondes are probably of comparable football talent of the players that will be on the field in Oxford.

Bluegrass Blondes 13

Magnolia Blondes 31

EGM

This game is terrible but at least Ole Miss plays defense.

Wish we still had Hal Mumme 9

Wish we still had David Cutcliffe 21

CB

Ole Miss is probably feeling as shitty about last weekend as I do. They were playing with probably the second best team in the conference all the way to the end and then the Gods of those who hate Billy decided that was enough and allowed Bama to win the game after another one of their decent receivers went down. Kentucky, while having hot girls, really isn’t playing to the expectations of the fans ... wait, I’m sorry I was thinking about basketball … I feel like a real Wildcat fan … win or lose, both teams will wake up the next day realizing that they are having shitty seasons and you know what, they probably wont give a shit…so neither do I.

How does Ole Miss’ starting five look? 17

I can’t see, my southern hair is getting in the way 20

Houston at Mississippi State

ML

Is this MSU’s homecoming matchup? I guess Maine was already booked. In a blatant racist policy, the SEC is limiting the number of chains that MSU football players can wear around their necks.

Where’s David Klingler? 20

Andre Ware was black…just like Sly Croom 27

EGM

Another solid non-conference opponent for the Dawgs. However, unlike Tulane, Houston was not hit by a hurricane and will not be emotionally bankrupt. Maybe they will put this game on ESPN 9 so that Andre Ware can analyze his alma mater in between cleaning out the trash cans inside the stadium.

Cougars, bitch! 28

Maybe we should castrate a pig? 17

CB

This is pathetic…I can’t believe Miss State is playing this crackhead team that hasn’t been good since the likes of Andre Ware blessed their football field. Believe me, the city of Houston probably doesn’t even know that this game is going on cause they are probably all psyched up about the World Series… and another thing, I am sick and tired of this bullshit message board I am on … the loser fans of Miss State don’t realize what nerds they are and its getting sad….their obsession with Gator fans only wearing Jorts is insane…oh on an unrelated note, if I ever see a UF fan wearing JORTS, I will hurt him…

Uh..Astros?? 12

Whats wrong with jorts? 27

Tennessee at Alabama

ML

Which Alabama team is the real team? The team that smashed the Gators or the team that eked out a W against Ole Piss? Although, if you think about it, with the way the Gators have been playing it might be the same team. I don’t know who I hate more, Brodie Crypple or Phat Phil. One is a Beatles wannabe, and the other is a manatee wannabe. I’m really sick of the Manatee. I wish it would go extinct already. If I were governor I’d eliminate the idea of a “No Wake Zone.” I’d also allow the murders of Brodie and Phil. Don’t worry Bama fans, he’ll rise from the dead.

Orange Sea Cows 19

Dreams Shattered 12

EGM

After watching Bama almost lose to Ole Piss last week I realized two things. Bama is not that good on offense and UF is not that good period. Prothro was all that Bama had going for it. UT may have gotten rolled by Georgia but the score was much closer than it looked. I’m taking the Vols in this one because believe it or not…Fulmer is a better coach than Shula.

Gerald Riggs & Co 22

Enjoy that crow Bama fan 13

CB

Fatass Phil Fulmer has to travel to the land of Bama-style luck. The Crimzin Tide, coming off yet another game that proves they have sold their souls to the devil, will be looking to make Phatty pay for selling them out to the NCAA. If I was hearing this correctly, it seems that Fulmer has been avoiding the state of Aler-bamer for sometime in fear of being served to testify in a lawsuit … I guess this will take care of that…This game really has no bearing on anything for me…If ramma jamma wins, then it’ll really help their chances of appearing in the SEC championship game…if Tennessee wins, well pretty much that means nothing … they already have 2 SEC losses and that means they would need UGA to completely implode and lose 3 games and hope the Gators aren’t one of those losses…I think UT has pretty much cashed in their season (as they should) and most likely Bamer’s defense will make Rick Clowson look as confused as his barber…

What am I supposed to cut here kid? 17

Cut Prothro’s Life Support, they wont need to wake him 23

Vanderbilt at South Carolina

ML

Who the fuck cares?

Vandy 21

Cizzocks 23

EGM

Vandy just doesn’t have what it takes to take out the Spurdog.

Cutler looks like 3^rd team SEC these days 18

Cockwalking all over your steamboat 41

CB

SPUUUUUUUUUR-DAWWG, you gearing up for SEC win numero dos?? I hope this is one of those games that Vandy actually decides to show up for. (Sorry for ending that sentence with a preposition). Anyways, Vandie probably feels like someone walked over their grave(s) after losing 3 straight games and basically being exposed for the frauds they are. Carolina had a bye week to get over trouncing the Mildcats two weeks ago, so I’ll bet they’ll be fired up to try it again….

Get off my GRAVE! 16

Aerial Cocks 27

Auburn at LSU

ML

I hope the Bayou Bengals aren’t too excited over their turnover-laden victory over the anemic Gators. The UF Defense really let us down. I mean, do they expect our offense to score if they can’t get turnovers inside the opposing teams 5 yard line? Seriously, you expect Chris to be able to lead a scoring drive where we need to get a first down? This is another one of those games where teams should play for the rights to the mascot. However, there wouldn’t be as much at stake for Auburn, since they have 2 in reserve. If they lost 3 in a row they’d have to pick another one, I suggest the name of those temperance/women’s suffrage bitches from the 1920s.

Elizabeth Cady Stantons 24

Cajun Crawdad Chugging Scumbags 14

EGM

This is a tough game to pick. The Plainsmen have been kicking ass against the dregs of the NCAA and LSU has been playing some serious teams. However, LSU is not as good at home as everyone thinks and JarJar is a turnover machine. Those two factors will allow a less talented, temperance obsessing Plainsmen team to come out of the shithole otherwise known as Red Stick with a victory.

Already lost to one cracktastic QB 22

Unfortunately our QB is even more cracktastic 13

CB

This game may, in fact, be a cool game to watch, lord knows its important. The Race for the West is still very, very close…. With both of these teams playing Bamer at or near the end of the season, what happens on Sunday will most likely dictate which team will actually be playing the Tide for a chance to go to Hot-lanta….Now I don’t want to go out on too far of a limb here, but I would be willing to bet my life that the Tigers are going to win…(I know I have used that joke for three years, but does it really get old?). Man I hope this is a night game… that would be so pimp tight…While I can’t believe that we lost to those 5 turnover assholes last week, I have a feeling that if LSU is fired up enough, and if Auburn plays as shitty as they can, the Cajuns just might have a better than average chance….but still, I can’t believe that Tommey Tubberville’s offense is as cracktastic as the Gators’ right now….I predict some heavy wagering by the River Boat Gambler this weekend, after all, this could be their season on the line…

Double Down 23

We gonna drink until we blind, I guurrannteee 21

Florida – OFF

ML

I have a weird power, after the Bucs started 4-1 despite the pathetic play of Brian Griese, I opined that an injury wouldn’t be such a bad thing. First half of next game, done for the season with torn up knee. Do I dare wish for such misfortune for the gutless moron under center for the Gators? Or for our offensive coordinator to come up with some real plays? Nah, that would be out of line, wouldn’t it?

EGM

I bet Meyer has the entire offensive staff looking in the bottom of cereal boxes for a new offense that resembles his own.

CB

So I’m going camping this weekend….I will be searching for the Gators offense….I hope its not like Bigfoot, and that all it is, is some fat old guy dressed up in a gorilla suit….what the fuck am I talking about?

FSU at Duke

ML

A nice cure for the loss to the wahoos, as Bobby’s convicts take on the pussies from Puke. I would like to see the Devils invite Coach K to stand on the sideline and then see Leon Washington barrel into him after a run out of bounds. Dare to dream.

FSU 51

Puke 5

EGM

Duke sucks and so does Drew Weatherford. When FSU fans get a look at Xavier Lee in this game they will realize where their future could be if Bobby Bowden and his idiotic son weren’t complete morons.

Not so cavalier anymore 49

PUKE 9

CB

PUUUUUUUUKE!!!! That is awesome … I wonder if their big cheer is just a loud disgusting retching sound… that would be great! This is certainly one of those games that the Noles need after getting brutalized in Charlottesville last weekend…gosh I wish I had watched that game .. I would love to have seen Bobby Bowden giving one of those lost geriatric looks like he did after Wide Right II. “Hey, what just happened?! Have you seen my soup?” “Don’t worry Bobby, we’ll get you another soup,” says the orderly, but we all know it’s really the same soup ... just in a different bowl, poor old guy. Wow…that was bizarre…anyways, this game is garbage…

Pullin’ a Harry Carey 60

Baaaaarf 7

Georgia Tech at Miami - CANCELLED

ML

Wow, the first real game for the canes since FSU and it is derailed by Wilma. I can’t wait to see 20,000 attend this game when it is scheduled for December 14^th.

EGM

It would be too easy to describe a situation with prostitutes, cocaine, sedatives, Olde English 800 and Donna Shalala making excuses for this type of behavior. Wait a second, just watch the 11 o’clock news…

CB

Since Jawga Teck is in the ghetto, they probably won’t get all “country mouse” when they get to Miami and see the cocaine scene…I mean I guess being surrounded by crack rock all day will probably desensitize you to that sort of thing…I hate Atlanta, but oh would I love to see the Hornets .. no wait, the Yellow Jackets “fly” down … BLIMEY .. The game’s been fucking postponed … WHEN WILL THESE F-ING HURRICANES GIVE US A BREAK … I blame Bush… I’m sure it’s his fault …those bastardly Republicans … they’re always up to no good!

If you wish to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, make a comment or be added to the mailing list, please send an email to bourbonboys1865@hotmail.com. Have a look at our daily thoughts at http://bourbonboys.blogspot.com.

2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 48 12 80

El Gran Mono 47 13 78

Malt Licker 46 14 77

Blame

It seems people are dividing into two distinct camps in the Gator Nation:

1) The Hate Urban Meyer and his spread option scheme

2) The Hate Chris Leak, play Josh Portis, Urban doesn't have his players camp.

Personally, I am not a member of either one. I think Meyer's offense stinks and I have never thought Chris Leak was anything better than OK.

Meyer's offense could be good, but how long will it take...2 years...3 years...until all Zook's Blue Chips are gone? Every team should play the scheme that gives it the best chance to win. I am about winning. If Urban thinks the spread option gives the Gators the best chance of winning than keep it up BUT if he thinks the fan base will accept two years of terrible offense then he is sorely mistaken.

I still like Urban the coach. But perhaps installing some simpler, less gimmicky plays over the next two weeks would be a good idea. UGA is better defensively than LSU...and hopefully Meyer knows that.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VII

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Quite the unimpressive showing by the offense last week…how bizarre it felt having the homecoming game that early in the year … I promise this whole thing won’t sound like the beginning of a haiku… anyways, this week the Gators are taking on LSU. We had a huge crew going to the game this year, but thanks to natural disasters and cities surrounded by levees, the trip is off… I know that I have no real right to complain since my biggest inconvenience from Katrina was missing a football game … I am such a shithead for even complaining … anyways, this week has one good game, three shitty SEC games, and two cracktastic ACC matchups… does anyone actually think that UVA is going to win this week? … I thought they were a lot smarter than that….

Malt Licker

What a huge weekend throughout college football. South Bend will be the capital of college football, and the Red Stick will be the capital of SEC football. WARNING!!! Mark May rant coming….

This flabby four-eyed freak says that the only chance ND has to win over SC is if SC “misses the bus” to the game. So what you are saying Mark, is that the 9^th ranked team in the land playing at home and representing a school which has a history of ending huge streaks (see UCLA Hoops – 88 games, Oklahoma Football – 47 games, even women’s soccer ended a streak of 9 straight National Titles for North Carolina and their pedophile head coach) has ZERO chance to beat a USC team that only beat Stanford by 3 points last year, and has had to come back from behind several times to beat teams in the mighty PAC-10. So right…no chance Mark. In fact, you loyal Bourbon Boys readers get an extra pick out of the Malt Licker, that’s right; the Fighting Irish will make my dad happy with a stunning defeat over the Trojans. Pete Carroll sucked in the NFL, and Charlie Weis pimped it. The coaching advantage and some fortunate bounces will give the Irish a 41-35 victory.

The Gators face their second tough SEC road test, hopefully we wont flunk it like Cuzzin’ Bailey in Spanish class.

El Gran Mono

After having a week that could break the balls off a brass monkey I offer a very succinct analysis of this weeks games.

Alabama at Ole Miss

CB

Alabama puts their “Luckiest year of their lives” tour on the road this week. Their first game after beating my favorite team is in Ox’fud, Missuhssippuh. Not dissimilar to Alabama, these folks still think that racism is hip, and that is evident by their unofficial mascot, the Confederate Rebel. Unbelievable. So like I said, Bamer travels up the Old Man River to whip the shit out of Ole Miss. This game shouldn’t be close, but leave it to good ol’ Mike “Worst Decisions Ever” Shula to blow it…It would be funny but highly unlikely….

Ramma Jamma .. something or other 34

O’le Piss 0

ML

The Cryppled Savior looked downright messianic against my beloved Gators, earning an SI cover. They have most likely avoided the jinx because they were off this past weekend, and now face racially ambiguous Ed Orgeron and the pathetic Rebs. The only way I see Ole Piss having a chance is if they fine a clone of Brodie amongst their thousands of long-haired hippie freaks, kidnap the Crypple, and replace him with the clone.

Another name for Menstruation 27

Attack of the Clones 13

EGM

Ole Miss totally sucks. It doesn’t matter whether they are at home or on the road. I can see some really terrible hair tips being exchanged during halftime.

Bad Hair 41

THE WORST HAIR 3

Auburn at Arkansas

CB

While Awwburn is nothing compared to what they were last year, still this will probably turn into a pig-roast by mid 2nd quarter. The Razorbacks got fired up last week and trounced Louisiana Monroe, while the Tigers used their bye week to get the stench of Cock out of their southern hair (wow that sounded much more gross than I intended) … I’ll bet dropping a 40+ bomb on Spur-dawg must have felt great...and with that victory under their belt passed the Tigers, I don’t think the Kansas wannabe’s have it in them this week…

Awbun 27

We’re just like Kansas 7

ML

I’m curious as to the derivation of the Riverboat Gambler’s surname. Is it Irish? If so, that would make sense, after all he could just as easily be called Taterville. However, that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, unless of course you live in Arkansas. Speaking of “The Natural State,” did you know its state motto is “Regnat populus” which they claim means “the people rule.” I think some yokel thought g was really d and “eck” was really “at”. For their sake, I hope Houston gets elected in ’08 so that state can have the Clinton stain mollified, because their wretched football team will not be the source of much pride this year.

Wow, an actual road game 27

Nuttin’ all over ourselves 13

EGM

Awwwwwwwwwbun has been on a roll lately playing against the smeck of the NCAA. Facing off against Arkansas really fits into that trend.

Pork sammich 13

Teatotaling fuckboys 29

Florida at Louisiana State

CB

I was going to mention this completely irrelevant episode of national geographic just now, but forget it. I’ll bet a Gator could take a Tiger down in the animal kingdom… but this isn’t the wild, although it would certainly appear that way if you have ever been to Baton Rouge…the games there are not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure. I guess the last time we were there, we had a newish coach going there for the first time and we won…it was their national championship year too... that was great…of course last year we played like a standard issue Zook team .. giving up leads and what not … After the struggles we have had lately, I can’t say that I am overly confident that we are going to smoke these Tigers like a peace pipe (what the fuck?)…. But that is not to say that I feel we will lose either…. I think with both teams playing a little funky right now, this is a good chance for Meyer to come out with a hard hitting defense scheme and rattle that douchebag for a quarterback that LSU thinks is good… this isn’t just slander, this guy is a totally fucked up …

FLORIDA 22

LSU 10

ML

Big test #2 for the Urbanator. How will the Gators fare? Not well I predict. We still have an awful offensive line, a Quarterback who is not particularly mobile and can’t handle being hit. Oh yea, we only have 3 healthy WRs, too. Unless Urban decides that Kestahn Moore does indeed suck, and tries to get more touches for Markus Manson, our offense will look nothing more than pedestrian. If our defense doesn’t play a whale of a came, it could get ugly. However, JarJar and Les Miles are dumber than dirt, so we have a fighting chance. I just think LSU has too much up front on defense.

Fightin’ Gators 13

Bleauxin’ Tigers 19

EGM

The Gator offense looks completely pitiful. I know Chris Leak is hurt, I know DeShawn Wynn is hurt. None of that matters to me, I want to see something normal. Not Bo Shemebechler run all the time or 5 wide all the time. I still like Urban the coach, but I hate Urban the offensive mind. LSU is not as good as their ranking but when you are facing a team that struggles to get 10 first downs a game you really don’t need a whole lot. Miles will neglect Addai for JarJar downfield passing and that’s the only thing keeping this game close.

Stale Gators 8

Zook Jr’s Revenge 13

Georgia at Vanderbilt

CB

UGA couldn’t have gotten Vandie at a better time… they are probably questioning themselves right now after starting off so well and then just going in the tank the past few weeks. But I must say this, I am pretty impressed that Vandee elected to play UGA for their own homecoming … it shows balls, and we all know what Tony Montana says, “All I have in this world is my word, and my BALLS.” The Dore’s certainly have stoners, and are probably pretty honest too ... whatever the hell that means. This is going to be a ‘Dawg faced rout. Vandy just can’t keep up with the Shocker, and even the 1600 people in the stands (900 wearing red) won’t even be able to drum up any courage for the fighting Admirals or what have you …

Honey, would you mind picking up my pressed chinos? 41

Honey, would you mind polishing my Noble Prize? 21

ML

Flowers saved the Shocker with his 4^th quarter punt return. Although the Shocker looked impressive, it is a dangerous weapon that can cause much harm if used incorrectly. For instance, the Shocker should never be involved in a down, whether it’s a pass pattern or porn reject. Fortunately for “The Balding Prick,” it would take an unconscionably grave misuse of the Shocker to fall to the lowly Dores.

Looking ahead to Jax 32

Soon looking below .500 10

EGM

Vandy came back to reality the last two games and now UGA is ready to give them a Cuzzin’ Bailey sized Shocker.

Anal loving dawgs 44

No chance of a bowl game 9

South Carolina – OFF

CB

Columbia had better be prepared for the raucous crowd we are bringing down for the Gator game.

ML

The Cocks get a week off for Spurdog to enjoy his first SEC victory of the year, and gameplan against mighty Vandy in his pursuit of #2. The sad thing is, they probably need it.

EGM

Spurdawg finally cranked up the offense last week. Unfortunately, its was against a team that the Gators laid 49 on.

Kentucky – OFF

CB

Just another excuse for the kids from Lexington to sit down in front of the TV with 10 of their friends and a six pack… ahh ... nothing like sobriety …. Losers… their chics are hot though…

ML

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

EGM

The Rich Brooks rebuilding process continues…

Tennessee – OFF

CB

Lost Jason Allen, that doesn’t bode well for the late season match up with the Luckiest Team in the world from Tuscaloosa….

ML

Phat Phil is glad he can go through a Saturday of rib eating uninterrupted by 4 hours of football

EGM

Why not give the ball to Gerald Riggs?

Mississippi State – OFF

CB

If I could get on my Yahoo! Account, I could talk more shit to these jackasses from Stark-vegas…. God they are such losers.

ML

Black Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

EGM

Sly Croom may be a good coach but his team fucking sucks. He is also black according to the latest report from ESPN.

Miami at Temple

CB

Oh it’s the big game huh? Why didn’t someone tell me? Jeee-zus….this is atrocious…I am going to propose a motion that we should never have to talk about Temple games…The only thing I could possibly be looking forward to would be if Temples Coach pulls a Cheney (basketball Coach) move and sends in an “Enforcer” …what was that hockey? … Anyways, they could go after someone’s knee and I’m sure it wouldn’t matter… these Canes players are so jacked up on the powder they probably can’t feel anything … Now since I have never dabbled in the “white-arts” … my only frame of reference is from Predator 2 when that dude grabs a fist full of Snow and throws it in his face and goes psycho … sounds pretty intense to me … I wouldn’t want to mess around with any cokeheads….

Cocaina beyotch 56

Tiizzemple yo 13

ML

The Canes go to Philly for a supreme cupcake matchup v. pathetic Temple. Aren’t these the types of teams you always play at home? Not that anyone would attend the game. In fact, I bet the crowd at whatever stadium Temple calls home, will be close to the crowd that attended Miami’s stirring matchup v. USF.

Kilo Krewe 45

Happy Yom Kippur 2

EGM

Temple….ON THE ROAD????!!!!! This is why I have no respect for the Cokeheads.

5 Nat’l Championships and playing douchebags on the road 32

Bill Cosby rules 3

Florida State at Virginia

CB

Well as I was saying about unethically taking out someone’s knee ... That Cavalier player really surprised me last week. The douchebag couldn’t wait a week to act like a total crackhead going after the last rock. Purposefully trying to injure another player is something I will not tolerate Gator players doing, but shit, if some goon from another team wants to go all Darnell Docket on an FSU player, then I just might buy that guy a hooker … Unfortunately all the injuries in the world won’t help UVA in this game … it would be too perfect for them to knock off the Noles, with so much riding on the game … after this FSU has the likes of Puke, Maryland, and NC State … to clinch their division … Go Wahoos, but I don’t think my secondary support will be enough …

Touch Our Knees and I’ll Scalp You 30

Classy Cavs 13

ML

FSU hasn’t lost to the wahoos since that glorious night in 1995 when Warrick Dunn was stopped short of the goal line. Where the hell did the term Wahoo come from? I consulted Google! for an answer, but came up empty, which marks the first time in modern history that Google! hasn’t answered a question of mine. However, I don’t need Google! to figure out that Fagg, Carr and Weatherford will be not quite shitty enough for the Cavs to win.

I Googled! Bowden and it sent me to www.howtopretendtobeafolksygrandfatherlyrednecktogetthemediaonyoursidesotheyignoreyourrenegadeprogram.com 27

Wahoo, not yahoo!!!!!!!! 17

EGM

FSU has thugs who like to run fast and decapitate people. UVA has a QB who couldn’t add 1 + 1. Hide the women and children folks.

Crime spree in Charlottesville postgame 45

Math wizards 10

If you wish to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, make a comment or be added to the mailing list, please send an email to bourbonboys1865@hotmail.com. Have a look at our daily thoughts at http://bourbonboys.blogspot.com.

2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 44 10 81

El Gran Mono 42 12 78

Malt Licker 41 13 76

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VI

El Gran Mono

Did the SEC scheduling committee get together and decide that only one good game could be played every week? Because looking at this week’s lineup I want to puke. Sure, UT faces off against the Khaki Dawgs but outside that there isn’t shit. At least Vandy lost last week and now I can stop worrying about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse possibly chilling outside my window every morning. Oh yeah, Florida got taken behind the woodshed last week and I got to witness it. It looked as shitty in person as it did on TV.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Man, I hate having to eat my words. A nice trip to redneck-ville, USA was ruined by the f-ing game this past weekend. I have several complaints about this weekend to the trailerpark of America. 1) Birmingham’s nightlife is a fucking joke. I have a suspicion that I could have a better chance getting wasted at a Buddhist temple. The folks down there felt content sitting at their tables sipping their 1^st drink for like an hour. I think the bartender was shocked when I ordered a second Jager-bomb. 2) The Bear. All on sportstalk radio people kept bringing him up and this and that … the guys been dead for like 20 years… deal with it you losers… you have a moron for a coach (see: Prothro injury), and your Paul ain’t coming back. 3) This piece of shit redneck, white trash looking moron. He was drunk enough to think that it would be a good idea to try and pick a fight with 7 drunk angry Gator fans after they won. His genius logic was that he hates Gator fans and couldn’t explain why…I wish I hadn’t stopped my friends from ruining him. Of course, he still had to wake up the next day and realize he is stuck in that sewer…anyways that’s enough bitching. It was nice to see my friends and of course hang with our resident attorney El Gran Mono. So now, I’ll just celebrate my 27^th birthday week with a bitter taste in my mouth for the entire Bama nation, and look forward to a little relief this weekend against Miss. State…

Malt Licker

After reading EGM’s post about his trip to Tuscaloosa, I began to wonder why we use the term “eating crow” to describe being humbled. So I looked it up on Wikipedia:

To eat boiled crow is to be proven wrong after having strongly expressed your opinion. It is most likely an Americanization of the English "To eat humble pie". The English phrase is something of a pun — "umbles" were the intestines and other unsavories of a deer. Pies made of this were known to be served to those of lesser class who did not eat at the king's/lord's/governor's table.

In North America the expression is simply to eat crow.

At any rate, crow seems to be the distasteful meat of choice because it's stringy, it's carrion meat, and, apparently, just plain doesn't taste good. An old tale passed around amongst hunters advises that, if you run out of food while alone in the woods, catch a crow, put it in a pot with a boot, boil it for a week, and then eat the boot.

I wonder if it matters if it’s a “hobnailed boot.” Anyway, are there any limits to the value of the Bourbon Boys? Not only do you get a look into our demented minds, you learn valuable things like the derivation of the term “eating crow.” If you are thinking I came up with this to avoid talking about last week’s abortion of a game, you are right.

Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas

EGM

Another Sun Belt foe bites the dust this week at the hands of a very average Hawg team. I’m sure Houston Nutt spent last week at some masochistic camp getting whacked with chains and shit just trying to show his team that he is willing to sacrifice for them.

Waiting for our piece of $250 billion taxpayer dollars 12

Kings of the Sun Belt 39

CB

I was watching The Last of the Mohicans this morning before work and I realized that the English dude who has those hot daughters was named Monroe. How do you like that? Well anyways, Arkansas most recently fell at the hands of the Tide (a team that seems to be on some kind of sick roll right now). This should be a good game for the Razorbacks to use to get closer to .500. The game is being played in Little Rock which, I’ll be honest, really has no bearing on the outcome or the way I feel about this game. I hate Arkansas and I hate Houston Nutt.

Directional LA 14

Arr-Kansas 33

ML

At this point in the season, I truly have no time for games like this. Nice non-conference schedule Houston. Although I have a feeling President Nutt could do a better job picking a Supreme Court justice. What a treat for the fans in Little Rock.

La-Mo Blows 13

Swine 34

Mississippi State at Florida

EGM

The honeymoon is officially over. I’ve not yet given up on the Urbanator’s offense…but I will be watching closely (as will those at the newly created firecoachmeyer.com). This should be a good revenge game for the Gators after a shitty loss in Starkville last year. The next time we play in Starkville I swear to pick MSU because the Gators just can’t win there. MSU is really, really bad and they basically have no chance of winning this game...especially without their best player Jerious Norwood. The Gators should be able to run…but who knows with this gimmick shit.

And we have to go home to NO BARS 3

Back to normal…for a week 48

CB

Damn, last year the Gators lost to this bunch of shitheads on the road. I remember going there and seeing a loss back in 2000. That was a total nightmare. Listening to replay after replay of “Who Let the Dogs Out?,” the dude ringing the cowbell in his baby’s ear as the child was attempting to sleep, the horrible student section and my pop being forced to drink Canadian Club and cooler water is enough to drive anyone mad, but now this weekend those losers from Mississippi can come see what a real college town is like. Of course they will be leaving with their tails between they legs cause the Gators are pissed and everyone knows you shouldn’t mess with a pissed off Reptile.

No More Cowbell 12

Gator Wakening? 30

ML

Some of the Gators that are grumbling after the dismantling at the hands of ‘Bama should be assuaged by the fact that at this point last year, we lost to a team that lost to frickin’ Maine, and it wasn’t really a shock. Chris Leak will probably look great this week. He always looks great when he is not facing a pass rush. Otherwise he bears a strong resemblance to J.P. Losman.

Dirty Dawgs 3

Wounded Gators 35

Georgia at Tennessee

EGM

I really have no idea how good UGA is. They almost lost to USC and they kicked Boise State’s ass. That just doesn’t seem to add up. Ricky “balder than my brother” Clausen has been a walking boot all week but says he’s going to play. The way Ainge has looked he better play for the Vols to have a shot. The running game of both teams is the key to this game because neither The Shocker or The Pickle Man is gonna beat you by themselves. After ripping Gerald Riggs to start the year I have come to realize that he is the best back in the SEC. The Shocker always sucks in big games. I bet some idiot Dawg fan wears some hobnailed boots to this game and they will definitely match his pressed chinos.

The Shocker is NEVER a good move 13

I’d pay to not have Bob Davie pronounce Clausen 24

CB

This game is huge for the UT’s hopes of winning the East. A loss will pretty much guarantee their rightful place at the head of the Citrus Bowl banquet. But a Vic and they are in good shape since the Gators could, apparently, very easily lose again. (that hurts). Anyways, Phil, the biggest guy on the field, must remember the last time the Dawgs came to town right? 41 to 14 shellacking, that was hot. Personally, I don’t have a team I’m rooting for since I hate them both, but I guess it would be good to see the UT fans and that “someone just ate my moonpie” look on their faces.

UGA 18

UT 17

ML

Speaking of hobnailed boots, the Shocker had a week off to rest his pinky and prepare for a dual with the Balding Cro-Magnon Pickle Man Jr. and the rest of the Vols, who expelled Ole Piss with relative ease last week. I predict a hard-hitting; sloppily played game, very similar to the UT/LSU game 2 weeks ago. The team that makes the fewest mistakes will win. Which device will be more effective? The Shocker’s pinky or Claussen’s pickle?

Dawgs will sniff, lick, and shock your ass 21

Remember Mark Vlasic? 14

Kentucky at South Carolina

EGM

USC sucks way more than I ever thought. Spurdog should have thought twice about throwing those cons off the team. KY is terrible. Matching Rich Brooks up against Spurrier isn’t fair, its like Fredo vs. Michael Corleone.

Don’t go in the boat Richy 18

You are nothing to me… 38

CB

This is Spur-dawg’s chance to not feel like a total loser. Kentucky is getting the shit kicked out of them like usual so South Carolina should be able to manhandle them. I’ll be heading to Columbia later in the year so I just hope the Wildcat students don’t drink too many Jager-bombs and save some for us…wait, the kids from Lexington don’t even know what drinking is … I think we’re safe…

Bars Close at 1, good I’m tired at 11…. 13

Five Points, where Jager goes to die 17

ML

Ouch….Spurdawg has been getting his comeuppance for all the beatings he dished out at UF during the 90s. Thankfully, I haven’t been gambling this year, or I’d be joining several Gators who have lost money betting on Steve’s boys. The ‘Cocks were completely destroyed at Auburn, and the Ol’ Ballcoach is still looking for his first conference victory. Luckily for him Kentucky enters the scene. Most definitely the perfect tonic for a team that looks infected with the Avian Flu.

Kensucky 19

Lamecocks 31

LSU at Vanderbilt

EGM

Vandy lost last week. They will lose again this week. Jay Cutler is a better player then JarJar, but Jay’s Dores don’t have Joseph Addai. However, the way Zook Miles coaches it looks like LSU doesn’t have Addai either.

Addai Touches 22

Doremats again 7

CB

Well, well…Vandie was finally exposed last week….hahaha losing to the likes of MTSU… unbelievable…I just wish I wasn’t so upset about the Gator loss so I could have been totally jacked about them finally losing. LSU just came off a huge win at Starkville so they know how to win on the road (just not at home apparently)…anyways, Vanderbilt is probably the second hardest place to .. play… haha .. I can’t finish that sentence …this is a joke … I hope the kids in Nashville like their asskickings with extra Cajun seasoning…

Southern Frenchies 34

Nashville is too cool for these jokers 13

ML

Phew…..everyone can cease building the bomb shelter, stockpiling canned goods, and hoarding guns & ammo. The Vanderbilt buzz dissipated in Nashville last night against MT frickin’ SU. This is so typically Vandy. I pick against them all year, and when I finally go with them in a slam-dunk game, they shit all over themselves and blow it. Back to reality in a big way, and in an even bigger way against JarJar and Zook Jr.’s Ragin’ Cajuns.

Bayou Bengals 45

Doremats again 17

The Citadel at Ole Miss

EGM

Does Ole Miss play any conference games? It seems like they are always playing some half ass school from a shit conference. The Citadel stuck with FSU for the first half before getting blown out. After watching Ole Piss play a few game I think Citadel will hang even longer than that in this game.

The Apex 9

The Hair 21

CB

Hell, I may just have to pick The Citadel in this one… at least they are folks I can respect…I mean shit, they at least get regular haircuts right? ….and they know that croakies are for fucking losers… maybe I shouldn’t talk, I haven’t had a haircut in a month… I feel dirty…

THE Citadel 5

OLE Mess 7

ML

If I were a student at the Citadel, I’d only accept women at my school that looked like Ole Miss sorority girls. I mean, do yall remember how hideous that first broad was? What was her name again? Unfortunately the female “talent” at the Citadel either looks like Dog Leash girl from Abu Ghraib or Tony Siragusa.

Women Need Not apply 6

Our chicks are hot 27

Alabama – OFF

EGM

Remember last time a big win kept a coach from getting fired? That really worked out didn’t it…

CB

So what am I supposed to do? Thank Alabama for their gracious hospitality? I don’t think so… I wish I could go back in time and beat the hell out of that dude…he was literally asking for it…I hope Croyle gets smallpox.

ML

Is Bama back? They did beat a good team, but I can’t help but feel that maybe our Gators were a bit overrated in our minds and in the minds of the media. We are a school that has lost 5 games 3 straight years, and it is safe to say we didn’t play our best game. However, if the Savior can duplicate his Christ-like performance of last week, they may indeed go unbeaten, SI jinx notwithstanding.

Auburn – OFF

EGM

I smell massive protests outside of bars.

CB

Right, like I have time to comment on these assholes.

ML

Due to the bye, Auburn students will have a chance to recover from the 3 beers they had last week.

Duke at Miami

EGM

I’m sure the Cokehead and Blue Devil faithful will pack the stands for this intriguing matchup.

PUKE 0

# of fans attending 37

CB

Puke gets to know what losing feels like when they face Miami … oh wait, they’ve been losing for years….the game is at Miami so with the monster crowd behind them, the cokeheads should be fired up just enough to avoid the upset….Nip/Tuck is great show based in Miami … on the show, there is a serial “attacker” nicknamed “The Carver.” I wish the he would go after some of the Miami players…that’ll show them…

Puke 3

The Carver’s next victim 56

ML

Puke vs. Mee-ahhh-meee…Should be a capacity crowd on hand at the Powder Blue/Orange Bowl for this riveting ACC matchup. I could give two shits about this game.

Puke 0

CoCanes 37

Wake Forest at Florida State

EGM

The Demonic Evangelists head to a land that is itself demonic. The Noles had big trouble last year against Wake but this year their defense is much tougher, especially at home in front of the sluts and douchebag dudes.

What is a “wake” forest? 0

Of course we like anal 35

CB

Wow Wake has totally tanked this year… they started off by losing to Vandie and now they have to face a team that is at least twice as good. While Bobby has been busy molesting children this week, his team has probably had a few practices (in between felony hearings.) The Deac’s are coming off a decent win over Clemzin last week so I guess they have that going for them…still, that’s pretty sad …

Demons 13

Felons 31

ML

I had the hardest time trying to come up with something to write about this game. I feel as though all the sarcastic things I could say about the Noles have already been said. I almost typed something about Ted Bundy’s rampage through an FSU sorority decades ago, but I felt that might be a bit over the line. However, if Ted really wanted to fit in, he should have pulled a John Wayne Gacy and dressed up as a clown. You know, since it has a clown college. I must say John Wayne Gacy goes down as the scariest serial killer of all time. He managed to mold together many terrifying concepts: 1) Clown 2) Fat Guy 3) Mass murder of children. About the only thing that can compare is having an offensive coordinator named Jeff Bowden calling plays for a quarterback named Drew Weatherford who throws to a receiver named FAGG.

Demon Deacons are not as scary as clowns 13

Bundy U 42

If you wish to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, make a comment or be added to the mailing list, please send an email to bourbonboys1865@hotmail.com. Have a look at our daily thoughts at http://bourbonboys.blogspot.com.

2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 36 10 78

El Gran Mono 35 11 76

Malt Licker 33 13 72