Cuzzin Bailey
This is a great week for College Football. Our selections involve 3 of the plethora of National Championship scenarios that exist as of last weekend. If Bama loses, that could also spell trouble for UF no matter what happens this weekend or in the SECCG. If UF loses to the Noles this weekend, then Bama’s possibilities remain unchanged, but UF has no shot at the NC game. Oklahoma is looking to win, force a three way tie, and leave their fate in the hands of the voters. Texas may get bypassed even with the win over OU in the Red River Rivalry a few weeks ago. Sucks if that happens. You know what else sucks? An all Big 12 national championship game…it could happen sports fans. But now that let’s go to the Home Depot UF/FSU quick points…UF is flying high, and FSU is coming off a huge win. Since when did beating Maryland constitute a “huge win”? Well, ever since the Noles have become marginalized. If FSU plays the best they’ve played all year, and we play half as good as we can, this will just be a 2 score game in favor of the Good Guys…
El Gran Mono
Rivalry Week, doesn’t get any better than that. The week itself says one thing to me: UF-FSU. I’ve been to a bunch of these games but I have never been to a Gator W at Joke Shamble. I guess that’s a good that I’m not going because people have accused me of fucking things up on that note. Perhaps the scene of friends and family at Tommy M’s is the way to go. I imagine that’s always the way to go. Let’s do it…
Malt Licker
Gobble Gobble!!! It looks like it is a fight for second place between me and the Monkey. Cuz’ has run away with the title. I can’t believe another regular season is almost in the books. Football season flies by. We actually have some decent games after last week’s snooze-fest. The Gators travel up to and west on I10 to Tallacrappy to take on the hated Noles. There are rumors that Bubby will announce that this is his last game at Ron Zook Field. Normally this would make me worried, but after witnessing his latest oral presentation skills (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIn17ufE7ZM), not so much!!!!
Mississippi State at Ole Miss (-13.5) 12:30
ML
The Battle of the GOLDEN EGG!!! This may be my favorite of all “rivalry games.” Could there be a bigger contrast between the two fan bases? Ole Miss fans are prim and proper, fancy themselves as the Hah-vud of the South. Whereas MSU fans are unapologetic rednecks. In 1926 the former MSU (Mississippi A&M) had been dominating the series, but a 7-6 Ole Miss victory led to some of their fans rushing the field and trying to tear down the goal posts. A&M fans “didn’t take too kindly” and a fight broke out. Some A&M fans defended the goal posts with wooden chairs, and several injuries were reported. The students, in genteel fashion, vowed that this would never happen again, and thus was born the “Golden Egg.” It was designed to cool the heat of battle and replace goalposts as the winners’ reward. It took the shape of the older form of the football, which closely resembles today’s rugby ball, or an egg. I predict that most readers will find the story of the birth of the Golden Egg much more interesting than this game, I know I will
A&M 10
Goalpost Vandals 27
CB
Miss State 13
Ole Miss 34
LSU at Arkansas (+5), 3:30 –
CB
WOOOHOOO! Big game folks, the real question that’s on everybody’s mind this week is, how many pick 6s will Jarrett Lee throw this weekend?? On second thought, a better question is, will he even start? I wish this were more like the NFL in that we would totally know who is starting this weekend. LSU’s back up back up started out strong last weekend against Ole Miss but quickly showed his stripes (get it, he’s a “tiger”)…ugh God that was terrible. Anyways, Arkansas lost to Miss State last weekend, they clearly blow…the question will be who will play worse and let the other team hang around…
LSoosers 30
Ahkansah 20
EGM
Cajuns 24
Backs 20
ML
Kitties 27
Piggies 21
Georgia Tech at Georgia (-8), 12
EGM
Good Ol Fashioned Hate. Does anyone that likes Georgia actually read this blog? Lot of hate, lot of shit talk. And from the there it only gets worse. Shane Shitty Hair is going pro. Knowhson going pro. Bad news dog fans. Can you even name the backup QB? Earlier this year I was rightfully criticized for hammering Ga Tech’s wing T. Johnson is a stud coach and he’ll stick to his guns in this game. Unfortunately, Tech’s D is gonna have a tough time stopping Shane/Knowshon’s last chance. I’ll take the points though and bet on Richt spending too much time in the tanning booth this week.
Ramblin’ Wreck 21
Jawja 28
CB
Tech 23
UGA 32
ML
Engineers 23
Queers 29
South Carolina at Clemson (-1), 12
CB
Spurrier called this the most important game of the season. He has to say that cause he got drilled by UF two week ago. Plus this is the only game that the Gamecocks had to win every year to appease all the stock Carolina idiots who only care about beating their in-state rivals…kinda like FSU fans these days!
USCe 31
Clemzin 18
EGM
Cocks 21
Tiggers 14
ML
South Carolina Spurriers 23
Clemson Dabos 20
Auburn at Alabama (-14), 3:30
ML
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarn Bowl!!!! The Plainsmen currently carry a 6 game winning streak and an awful record into this week’s Iron Bowl. The Tide roll in as the #1 ranked team in the nation for the first time in a long time. During the Bear heyday Bama managed to reel off 9 in a row, and desperately need to snap Auburn’s winning streak to stay in the hunt for a national title. On paper, this should be a mismatch. Auburn’s quarterback play has been awful all year. Who would have thought they’d be longing for Brandon Cox. As an aside and an illustration of how old I now feel. I remember being 5 or 6 years old and my uncle, a former bama football player, replaying the famous game winning field goal by Van Tiffin. Now his son is the current kicker for the Tide. They won’t need him to win whis game
Aubarn 6
Yellow Hamma 31
CB
Burn 18
Bama 30
EGM
Plains 13
Mountains 10
Florida at Florida State (+15.5), 3:30
EGM
Hate. That’s what I feel when talking about FSU. They are the at the end of the bottomless pit in which people dump endless tons of shit. In other words, fuck them.
FSU’s defense is extremely underrated and UF has the weapons to take care of that. If you watched last year’s game. Expect a lot of the same thing. Tebow going nuts. Percy blowing up. FSU sucking. How’s five in a row sound, bitch?
Studs 41
Duds 13
CB
GATORS! 42
Criminoles! 20
ML
Keep it rolling 35
Enjoy the Gator Bowl 14
Kentucky at Tennessee (-4), 6:30
CB
I was right about Phil last week. I had a feeling that no matter how awful UT was, there was NO way they were gonna lose to Vandy. And I was right. Do I feel the same this week? Are the Vols just shitty enough to lose to the other perennially shit box team after surprising two of the three bourbon boys? I say, NO. Of course it’ll be close…If I were a betting man I would stay away…
Kensucky 23
UTsucks 28
EGM
KY 14
UT 24
ML
Kats 20
Vawlz 25
Vanderbilt at Wake Forest (-4), 7
EGM
Both of these teams were absolutely terrible years ago and now they are pretty decent. They work similar systems of gimmick defenses, short passing and smart QBs. I’d love to say that the SEC is VASTLY superior in this instance but that is not the case. Wake Forest is a damn good team and well coached. I like there chances at home but not by 4.
Vandy 14
Deacs 17
CB
Schmanderbilt 21
Wake Skanks 19
ML
Commo-snores 20
Deacs 21
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State (+7.5), 8
ML
Do the Sooners “have a plan” for victory at Boone Pickens Stadium? Stoops says he is done lobbying re the BCS. The best argument is to keep destroying the opposition. It’s what the Gators are doing. The Bedlam Series is a contest across all sports between the two schools. In football OU dominates by a margin of 79-16-7. Take heart OSU fans, you dominate in wrestling, which no one cares about.
Land Stealing Cheats 38
I’m a man!!!!!!!!! 30
CB
OU 43
Okie State 29
EGM
Sooners 24
Cowboys 28
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XIII
Malt Licker
Good lord, I haven’t seen cocks abused like that since I was in Lorena Bobbitt’s bedroom. Oh wait, that wasn’t me, nevermind. Our Gators are looking so good it is scary. In fact, I am hoping for a letdown this week against the mighty Citadel. Maybe we’ll only win by 50. It was great making the trek up to Gville for my last home game of the season. Time flies so fast. A lackluster slate of games this week, as half the conference is taking the week off.
El Gran Mono
Not a lot going on in college football this week outside of Tejas Tech-Oklahoma and lethargy has attacked the Bourbon Boys. Lack of “reply all” emails has caused internal strife. As usual, I am to blame but I’m sure its nothing a few hundred Coors Lights over Thanksgiving break can’t cure. Here come the myriad of off weeks and crapbag games.
Cuzzin Bailey
Last weekend seems so long ago. Its like all I hear now is how lame the Gators are for scheduling the Citadel, and how its an embarrassment and “how can they get away with that shit?” Its hilarious how quickly people forget how great UF is playing and how half of them think we are the best team. How no one remembers that we played MIAMI in the second week of the season. I hate those people. Of course personally I find it stupid that we are play the Citadel, but I can say what I want about my team cause I really care about them (the “only you can talk shit about your family” rule), professional talking heads are stupid. Oh yea, almost Thanksgiving. But then exam time…yikes.
Tennessee at Vanderbilt (-3), 12:30
CB
Vanderbilt is favored this week. Stop the fucking presses. This is the kind of scenario that would happen in Bizzaro world. Vandy is finally bowl eligible, first time since 1982, and the Vols have no shot. It would absolutely absurd of me to not pick the ‘Dores. Right? I mean its clear that Phat Phil is content on mailing it in the rest of the year, so he can live the good life of sitting around eating McRibwiches talking about how he got screwed mumbling to himself how he should have beaten Spurrier one more time HAHA. Sorry that’s actually pretty sad. Poor bastard. Anyways, as I said, its pretty certain that the Vols don’t stand a chance to Vandy…right?
UT-sucks…its official 18
Vandy no longer the “dore-mats” 20
ML
Dead pumpkin walking 13
Bowled over 30
EGM
Vols 10
Commodes 20
Citadel at Florida (NL), 1:30
CB
How DARE we schedule a team like the Citadel? You know what? Who the hell cares? If the Gators win our next three games then no one’s gonna remember who we played the week before we trounced FSU and then showed Bama something have yet to see so far this year. Of course they probably have a better defense than we’ve seen…you know what? I’m doing it, I’m looking ahead, against Coach’s orders…I think that’s a pretty safe move this week. I’m just glad there isn’t a line so I don’t have to determine how much we are going to destroy them by…I’m sure the Bulldogs are just going to be anxious to get their half a mill, and bounce out of Gainesville.
Check Please 7
Here’s Your Check, and your ass beating 60
ML
Military College of South Carolina 0
Pillagers of Gainesville Florida 55
EGM
Bulldogs 0
Gators 63
Ole Miss at LSU (-3.5), 3:30
EGM
LSU almost lost to Troy. Their QB has thrown 7 pick sixes and has hair like your typical Ole Miss Epsilon semi-moron. Their defense can’t stop the pass. But they do know how to get hammered before a game. So they got that going for them. The Rebs have a pretty decent passing attack but like most of the season, they will lose in another heartbreaker. Does a person get any comfort after leaving Louisiana and heading into Mississippi? Or is that the moment when you finally decide to kill yourself?
Rebs 20
Cajuns 21
CB
Eauxle Miss 20
LSU 22
ML
Rebz 13
INT for TD U 23
Arkansas at Mississippi State (+1.5), 2:30
ML
Jeez, you’d think if you had to live in Fayetteville, you’d be excited about getting out of town for a road trip; until you find out that trip will take you to Starkvegas, the bar-less land of hell. Is Arkansas worthy of being a road favorite? I highly doubt it. I don’t care enough about this game to look into it further, take the points
Pork 20
Cowbell 23
CB
Not as good as Kansas 23
Crap of the West 22
EGM
Hogs 21
Dawgs 17
South Carolina - OFF
CB
Spur-dawg suffered his worst lost ever last weekend. The opponent was the team that he made relevant and a household name. Tastes sweet doesn’t it? I love SOS for making UF what it is today, but while he’s coaching a rival I the SEC East, it makes me angry and confused. Why did he come back to the SEC? I still haven’t figured that out yet. FOUR YEARS LATER! Why not the ACC? Hey even the people we love make d-bag moves…
Auburn – OFF
EGM
Very little drinking.
Georgia – OFF
EGM
14 days of the tanning booth for Mark Richt with no game interruptions.
Alabama – OFF
ML
Enjoy your 2nd to last weekend as #1 Tide, it will all come crashing down in Atlanta. If any of our readers happen to be planning to go to Atlanta, look for me at Gibney’s Pub, if you mention the Bourbon Boys I’ll buy you a shot.
Kentucky – OFF
ML
Billie Gillispie might need some Ky if he keeps losing to Buttfuck U
Tejas Tech at Oklahoma (-7), 8
ML
This is going to be quite a show. Can Stoop and the Sooners stifle the West Texas Pirates? Michael Crabtree is a sick specimen and a lock to grab 3 TDs this week. Sam Bradford looks like….a troll? Or is it an Elf? I’m not sure, but I think his ilk are covered in detail by J.R.R. Tolkien. I honestly think one of 3 things can happen. OU blows out Tech, Tech edges out OU, or OU edges out Tech. Take the points…
Rojo Raiders 37
Boomer Sooner 41
CB
Tex Tech 32
Okie 40
EGM
Red Raidaz 31
Sooners 28
Good lord, I haven’t seen cocks abused like that since I was in Lorena Bobbitt’s bedroom. Oh wait, that wasn’t me, nevermind. Our Gators are looking so good it is scary. In fact, I am hoping for a letdown this week against the mighty Citadel. Maybe we’ll only win by 50. It was great making the trek up to Gville for my last home game of the season. Time flies so fast. A lackluster slate of games this week, as half the conference is taking the week off.
El Gran Mono
Not a lot going on in college football this week outside of Tejas Tech-Oklahoma and lethargy has attacked the Bourbon Boys. Lack of “reply all” emails has caused internal strife. As usual, I am to blame but I’m sure its nothing a few hundred Coors Lights over Thanksgiving break can’t cure. Here come the myriad of off weeks and crapbag games.
Cuzzin Bailey
Last weekend seems so long ago. Its like all I hear now is how lame the Gators are for scheduling the Citadel, and how its an embarrassment and “how can they get away with that shit?” Its hilarious how quickly people forget how great UF is playing and how half of them think we are the best team. How no one remembers that we played MIAMI in the second week of the season. I hate those people. Of course personally I find it stupid that we are play the Citadel, but I can say what I want about my team cause I really care about them (the “only you can talk shit about your family” rule), professional talking heads are stupid. Oh yea, almost Thanksgiving. But then exam time…yikes.
Tennessee at Vanderbilt (-3), 12:30
CB
Vanderbilt is favored this week. Stop the fucking presses. This is the kind of scenario that would happen in Bizzaro world. Vandy is finally bowl eligible, first time since 1982, and the Vols have no shot. It would absolutely absurd of me to not pick the ‘Dores. Right? I mean its clear that Phat Phil is content on mailing it in the rest of the year, so he can live the good life of sitting around eating McRibwiches talking about how he got screwed mumbling to himself how he should have beaten Spurrier one more time HAHA. Sorry that’s actually pretty sad. Poor bastard. Anyways, as I said, its pretty certain that the Vols don’t stand a chance to Vandy…right?
UT-sucks…its official 18
Vandy no longer the “dore-mats” 20
ML
Dead pumpkin walking 13
Bowled over 30
EGM
Vols 10
Commodes 20
Citadel at Florida (NL), 1:30
CB
How DARE we schedule a team like the Citadel? You know what? Who the hell cares? If the Gators win our next three games then no one’s gonna remember who we played the week before we trounced FSU and then showed Bama something have yet to see so far this year. Of course they probably have a better defense than we’ve seen…you know what? I’m doing it, I’m looking ahead, against Coach’s orders…I think that’s a pretty safe move this week. I’m just glad there isn’t a line so I don’t have to determine how much we are going to destroy them by…I’m sure the Bulldogs are just going to be anxious to get their half a mill, and bounce out of Gainesville.
Check Please 7
Here’s Your Check, and your ass beating 60
ML
Military College of South Carolina 0
Pillagers of Gainesville Florida 55
EGM
Bulldogs 0
Gators 63
Ole Miss at LSU (-3.5), 3:30
EGM
LSU almost lost to Troy. Their QB has thrown 7 pick sixes and has hair like your typical Ole Miss Epsilon semi-moron. Their defense can’t stop the pass. But they do know how to get hammered before a game. So they got that going for them. The Rebs have a pretty decent passing attack but like most of the season, they will lose in another heartbreaker. Does a person get any comfort after leaving Louisiana and heading into Mississippi? Or is that the moment when you finally decide to kill yourself?
Rebs 20
Cajuns 21
CB
Eauxle Miss 20
LSU 22
ML
Rebz 13
INT for TD U 23
Arkansas at Mississippi State (+1.5), 2:30
ML
Jeez, you’d think if you had to live in Fayetteville, you’d be excited about getting out of town for a road trip; until you find out that trip will take you to Starkvegas, the bar-less land of hell. Is Arkansas worthy of being a road favorite? I highly doubt it. I don’t care enough about this game to look into it further, take the points
Pork 20
Cowbell 23
CB
Not as good as Kansas 23
Crap of the West 22
EGM
Hogs 21
Dawgs 17
South Carolina - OFF
CB
Spur-dawg suffered his worst lost ever last weekend. The opponent was the team that he made relevant and a household name. Tastes sweet doesn’t it? I love SOS for making UF what it is today, but while he’s coaching a rival I the SEC East, it makes me angry and confused. Why did he come back to the SEC? I still haven’t figured that out yet. FOUR YEARS LATER! Why not the ACC? Hey even the people we love make d-bag moves…
Auburn – OFF
EGM
Very little drinking.
Georgia – OFF
EGM
14 days of the tanning booth for Mark Richt with no game interruptions.
Alabama – OFF
ML
Enjoy your 2nd to last weekend as #1 Tide, it will all come crashing down in Atlanta. If any of our readers happen to be planning to go to Atlanta, look for me at Gibney’s Pub, if you mention the Bourbon Boys I’ll buy you a shot.
Kentucky – OFF
ML
Billie Gillispie might need some Ky if he keeps losing to Buttfuck U
Tejas Tech at Oklahoma (-7), 8
ML
This is going to be quite a show. Can Stoop and the Sooners stifle the West Texas Pirates? Michael Crabtree is a sick specimen and a lock to grab 3 TDs this week. Sam Bradford looks like….a troll? Or is it an Elf? I’m not sure, but I think his ilk are covered in detail by J.R.R. Tolkien. I honestly think one of 3 things can happen. OU blows out Tech, Tech edges out OU, or OU edges out Tech. Take the points…
Rojo Raiders 37
Boomer Sooner 41
CB
Tex Tech 32
Okie 40
EGM
Red Raidaz 31
Sooners 28
Friday, November 14, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XII
Cuzzin Bailey
The Gators have clinched the East and there is still so much to do. They can’t look past the Gamecocks this weekend, they can look past Citadel, and then they have to concentrate on Free Shoes University. THEN they play Bama in Hot-lanta, THEN play for the National Championship! Oh wait, I just got a memo from Urban, “no more talk about the future, just focus on the next week’s opponent.” Riiiiiight. That’s fine and good for the players, but the absurdly aware fan is always looking at the big picture. Gators giving 21 points this weekend, speaking of absurd. Hold on…I just had another vision. Another big win? Wait for it, damn that was the TV, the CMAs, ah Carrie Underwood. Anyways, the BCS has a big opportunity to get bailed out again this year damnit. Oh well, if UF makes it to the championship game, it’ll be hard to complain.
Malt Licker
Pretty bluke-ish (bogus and fluke) slate of games this week. Auburn/UGA can’t even garner the ESPN night game. When was the last time the 3 Dave’s did that game? This week is so…weak…that ESPN Gameday is covering the Hampton FAMU game. Will Barack be there?
El Gran Mono
Suddenly, all is right in college football. It stands to be the Big 12 winner versus the SEC winner in the only meaningful bowl game. Nothing could screw that up, except for actually playing the remainder of the schedule. I really hate the BCS, so I’m hoping only the winner of the SEC makes it and there is a huge controversy.
Georgia at Auburn (+8.5), 12:30
CB
The oldest rivalry in the South! Well that’s it here’s my pick. Just kidding of course. Aubs has 5 losses, and played Tennessee-Martin close last weekend. Hell even if it was regular Tennessee that score would be inexcusable this year. Tuberville is probably on the pseudo hot seat, with Bobby Lowder looking for a light. They say that Auburn just doesn’t have the “talent” this year; that would make for at least 3 decent (2 good) teams in the SEC that don’t have it this year personnel-wise, and that is ridiculous. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m glad when these shitty Tigers are playing like shit, but they are representing the SEC so sometimes its embarrassing. You know like that drunk of a cousin you have…sure he’s a dick and you hate him, but he’s still family. Huh? So UGA just snuck out of Lexington with a W last Saturday. Embarrassing. Of course the Dawgs will win this week, but with everyone else knowing their season is over, if they do, this could be closer than it should be.
UGAly 34
Aubie Sucks 23
ML
Outback bound 20
At least you get a head start recruiting! 13
EGM
Dawgs 24
Plainsmen 17
Louisiana-Monroe at Ole Miss (-20.5), 2
EGM
Will Ole Miss become bowl eligible? Will Houston Nutt get some respect? What is the percentage of "southern hair" in the 18-55 bracket in the greater Oxford area? What's wrong with folding your cash? These are the questions that haunt me.
LaMo 10
Rebs 41
CB
MON-roe 10
Ole Miss 39
ML
Warhawk SEC tour stop #3 13
Rebs 30
South Carolina at Florida (-21), 3:30
ML
I just watched it again, the clip of clips…Jarvis Moss’ right paw that saved a season. It’s that time of year again, and SpurDog says he has his best team thus far in Columbia. To say I was anything other than terrified would be an understatement. However, the Gators can accomplish all things through Tebow, who strengthens them. (Lick. 4:16) I know I am probably going to hell for that, but it is the truth. With that said, 3 TD’s is way too much to lay to the Cocks.
Captain Munnerlyn’s 14 (inches)
The March Continues 33
CB
Cocks 16
GATORS! 38
EGM
Cocks 10
Gators 38
Mississippi State at Alabama (-20.5), 7:45
EGM
Croom is going for three in a row versus his alma mater. Nick Saban cannot allow that to happen. A perfect start to the season has brought back "Bama guy". You know that guy, the one who loved Mike DuBose before hating him. The guy who wears the Johnny Musso shirt to the game. The guy with, ugh, the houndstooth polo shirt. Well, I'm sure that guy will be pissed when the Tide don't cover per usual.
Croom 7
Bamer 17
CB
Dirty 13
Bammer 35
ML
Croom 6
Croom’s alma mater 24
Vanderbilt at Kentucky (-4), 8
EGM
KY is bowl eligible and Vandy is not. Maybe the Cats will just be nice and let the Dores get the final win. However, I doubt that will happen. I also doubt Chris Nickson will start because Mac Adams is so good. I predict Vandy will lose every game that Adams starts, including this one.
Dores 10
KY 17
CB
Vandie 21
Kensucky 23
ML
Losing Streak of…. 5
Kitties 24
Troy at LSU (-18), 8
CB
Let me tell you about a statistic that, if you haven’t heard it yet, will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. The LSU QB has thrown 6 interceptions that were returned FOR TDs THIS YEAR!!! I just read an article about this other day where he was referred to as the “Benedict Arnold, or the Hanoi Jane” of the team. I love that analogy. He is the guy that is ratting out his players to the NVA. They trust him with secret notes to bring back to the US (the Ball) and he hands it over the Vietcong (the opposing team)…wait a second, one of those was for the Gators, this similarity has gone awry. HAHA, Jarrett Lee, a traitor. That’s funny. This game is freaking ridiculous, about as shitty as playing the Citadel next we….you know what? I praise LSU for having the guts to schedule a team of this caliber this late in the season. It takes balls. Yea AMERICA!
Treaux-jans 17
Tigres 33
ML
Treauxjans 13
Coonasses 34
EGM
Trojans 10
Cajuns 35
Tennessee – OFF
CB
Fulmer has embarrassed us all. Losing to Wyoming??? That sort of behavior is unacceptable in Knoxville. That is not the way that Volunteer football should be played. And I’m a GATOR FAN. I don’t even care if UT ever gets back on their feet, but now I know what the AD up there must have felt. If I’m even getting worked about this, then I can’t imagine how someone who actually WANTS them to succeed must feel. I guess now Phil can eat as many McRibwiches he wants! Ah retirement.
Arkansas – OFF
ML
I cannot think of anything to say about the Razorbacks. I like John Pelphrey and think he will be tough for teams in the West to deal with in hoops.
BC at FSU (-7), 8
ML
“Well, that’s America for you, isn’t it.” Was the quote from St. Bobby upon hearing about a massive brawl in the “student” union between his players and some douches from an F$U frat. You gotta love it. He gets such a pass from the media you’d think his middle name was Hussein. I wonder if he remembers his heartbreaking loss to the rambling wreck last week. Meanwhile, BC completely shut down Notre Dame last week, which means nothing. FSU will have some distractions, so they will not cover.
Flutie U 10
Con U 16
CB
BC 19
FSUcks 24
EGM
BC 14
FSU 28
The Gators have clinched the East and there is still so much to do. They can’t look past the Gamecocks this weekend, they can look past Citadel, and then they have to concentrate on Free Shoes University. THEN they play Bama in Hot-lanta, THEN play for the National Championship! Oh wait, I just got a memo from Urban, “no more talk about the future, just focus on the next week’s opponent.” Riiiiiight. That’s fine and good for the players, but the absurdly aware fan is always looking at the big picture. Gators giving 21 points this weekend, speaking of absurd. Hold on…I just had another vision. Another big win? Wait for it, damn that was the TV, the CMAs, ah Carrie Underwood. Anyways, the BCS has a big opportunity to get bailed out again this year damnit. Oh well, if UF makes it to the championship game, it’ll be hard to complain.
Malt Licker
Pretty bluke-ish (bogus and fluke) slate of games this week. Auburn/UGA can’t even garner the ESPN night game. When was the last time the 3 Dave’s did that game? This week is so…weak…that ESPN Gameday is covering the Hampton FAMU game. Will Barack be there?
El Gran Mono
Suddenly, all is right in college football. It stands to be the Big 12 winner versus the SEC winner in the only meaningful bowl game. Nothing could screw that up, except for actually playing the remainder of the schedule. I really hate the BCS, so I’m hoping only the winner of the SEC makes it and there is a huge controversy.
Georgia at Auburn (+8.5), 12:30
CB
The oldest rivalry in the South! Well that’s it here’s my pick. Just kidding of course. Aubs has 5 losses, and played Tennessee-Martin close last weekend. Hell even if it was regular Tennessee that score would be inexcusable this year. Tuberville is probably on the pseudo hot seat, with Bobby Lowder looking for a light. They say that Auburn just doesn’t have the “talent” this year; that would make for at least 3 decent (2 good) teams in the SEC that don’t have it this year personnel-wise, and that is ridiculous. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m glad when these shitty Tigers are playing like shit, but they are representing the SEC so sometimes its embarrassing. You know like that drunk of a cousin you have…sure he’s a dick and you hate him, but he’s still family. Huh? So UGA just snuck out of Lexington with a W last Saturday. Embarrassing. Of course the Dawgs will win this week, but with everyone else knowing their season is over, if they do, this could be closer than it should be.
UGAly 34
Aubie Sucks 23
ML
Outback bound 20
At least you get a head start recruiting! 13
EGM
Dawgs 24
Plainsmen 17
Louisiana-Monroe at Ole Miss (-20.5), 2
EGM
Will Ole Miss become bowl eligible? Will Houston Nutt get some respect? What is the percentage of "southern hair" in the 18-55 bracket in the greater Oxford area? What's wrong with folding your cash? These are the questions that haunt me.
LaMo 10
Rebs 41
CB
MON-roe 10
Ole Miss 39
ML
Warhawk SEC tour stop #3 13
Rebs 30
South Carolina at Florida (-21), 3:30
ML
I just watched it again, the clip of clips…Jarvis Moss’ right paw that saved a season. It’s that time of year again, and SpurDog says he has his best team thus far in Columbia. To say I was anything other than terrified would be an understatement. However, the Gators can accomplish all things through Tebow, who strengthens them. (Lick. 4:16) I know I am probably going to hell for that, but it is the truth. With that said, 3 TD’s is way too much to lay to the Cocks.
Captain Munnerlyn’s 14 (inches)
The March Continues 33
CB
Cocks 16
GATORS! 38
EGM
Cocks 10
Gators 38
Mississippi State at Alabama (-20.5), 7:45
EGM
Croom is going for three in a row versus his alma mater. Nick Saban cannot allow that to happen. A perfect start to the season has brought back "Bama guy". You know that guy, the one who loved Mike DuBose before hating him. The guy who wears the Johnny Musso shirt to the game. The guy with, ugh, the houndstooth polo shirt. Well, I'm sure that guy will be pissed when the Tide don't cover per usual.
Croom 7
Bamer 17
CB
Dirty 13
Bammer 35
ML
Croom 6
Croom’s alma mater 24
Vanderbilt at Kentucky (-4), 8
EGM
KY is bowl eligible and Vandy is not. Maybe the Cats will just be nice and let the Dores get the final win. However, I doubt that will happen. I also doubt Chris Nickson will start because Mac Adams is so good. I predict Vandy will lose every game that Adams starts, including this one.
Dores 10
KY 17
CB
Vandie 21
Kensucky 23
ML
Losing Streak of…. 5
Kitties 24
Troy at LSU (-18), 8
CB
Let me tell you about a statistic that, if you haven’t heard it yet, will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. The LSU QB has thrown 6 interceptions that were returned FOR TDs THIS YEAR!!! I just read an article about this other day where he was referred to as the “Benedict Arnold, or the Hanoi Jane” of the team. I love that analogy. He is the guy that is ratting out his players to the NVA. They trust him with secret notes to bring back to the US (the Ball) and he hands it over the Vietcong (the opposing team)…wait a second, one of those was for the Gators, this similarity has gone awry. HAHA, Jarrett Lee, a traitor. That’s funny. This game is freaking ridiculous, about as shitty as playing the Citadel next we….you know what? I praise LSU for having the guts to schedule a team of this caliber this late in the season. It takes balls. Yea AMERICA!
Treaux-jans 17
Tigres 33
ML
Treauxjans 13
Coonasses 34
EGM
Trojans 10
Cajuns 35
Tennessee – OFF
CB
Fulmer has embarrassed us all. Losing to Wyoming??? That sort of behavior is unacceptable in Knoxville. That is not the way that Volunteer football should be played. And I’m a GATOR FAN. I don’t even care if UT ever gets back on their feet, but now I know what the AD up there must have felt. If I’m even getting worked about this, then I can’t imagine how someone who actually WANTS them to succeed must feel. I guess now Phil can eat as many McRibwiches he wants! Ah retirement.
Arkansas – OFF
ML
I cannot think of anything to say about the Razorbacks. I like John Pelphrey and think he will be tough for teams in the West to deal with in hoops.
BC at FSU (-7), 8
ML
“Well, that’s America for you, isn’t it.” Was the quote from St. Bobby upon hearing about a massive brawl in the “student” union between his players and some douches from an F$U frat. You gotta love it. He gets such a pass from the media you’d think his middle name was Hussein. I wonder if he remembers his heartbreaking loss to the rambling wreck last week. Meanwhile, BC completely shut down Notre Dame last week, which means nothing. FSU will have some distractions, so they will not cover.
Flutie U 10
Con U 16
CB
BC 19
FSUcks 24
EGM
BC 14
FSU 28
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XI
El Gran Mono
COMRADES! What a week of highs and lows! Up with the Gators, down with the free market! The Gators hammered UGA and seemed to make everything right in the world. However, this was followed by BARACK! winning and nationalizing thousands of my tax dollars while simultaneously scrapping the Constitution in favor of “fairness.” Even worse, one of my favorite authors, Michael Crichton died. I guess you take the good with the bad. Another bad note, I’ve been on a brutal slide in the picks. I’m going bold this week, mixing in some Ayn Rand and some upset specials. We’ll see if that’s the CHANGE! I need.
Malt Licker
In the spirit of the coming Administration, and to prepare our readers for the institution of the Orwellian “Fairness” doctrine, the Malt Licker is going to personally provide “an alternative viewpoint” and ghost-write for a fan of the much-maligned Big Ten. But not without first saying how great it was to smash Georgia.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
I can’t tell you what a relief it is that the Gators trounced UGA last week. I have to admit it was causing a little grief in my household, well right up until Friday night when I had a vision. Some call it a drunken delusion; I choose to call it a vision. I had a cold most of last week so I was a little lightheaded. Some friends came in town for the Cocktail Party and so I felt the need to throw back a few brewjacks Friday night. In the course of the evening I had my share and proceeded to hit the hay a bit after 1 am. (Not too late, but I can drink fast so…). Anyways, I lay my head down on my pillow and I thought to myself. “(Cuzzin Bailey), I can feel a blow out coming.” Some people, in my situation, may have considered that a sign to go pray to the porcelain God, but not me…When I awoke the next morning I expressed this thought to my comrades but no one believed me. Looks like in this case, drinking WAS the answer…Oh yea, RIP Michael Crichton, RIP Capitalism…
Georgia at Kentucky (+10.5), 12:30
ML
So this SEC is supposed to be so deep and great, how is it that Georgia can be so thoroughly dominated. I thought the SEC was supposed to be deep and competitive. Georgia’s performance reminds me of the last two national title games, when the Big Ten absolutely destrrrr….oh..never mind. I can assure you; however, that Kentucky would not win the Big 10.
Puppies 31
Kitties 14
EGM
Dawgs 31
Kitties 17
CB
Nice Black Pants…on dudes (losers) 30
UK 15
Arkansas at South Carolina (-11.5), 1
CB
Years and years ago, people joked that Steve Spurrier was going to run Phat Phil right out of Knox-vegas because of how badly the Gators owned UT. The semi-prophetic comments came to fruition this week, as the Vols fired Fulmer on the heels of a humiliating loss at South Carolina. Basically, what I’m telling you is, if these pathetic Gamecocks can drive the nail in the coffin for a seasoned veteran coaching a (once) elite team in the SEC East, then what hope in holy hell does Arkansas have this week? They are terrible, awful, worthless, and they are coached by a guy who would better deal his kids soccer match if he thought it was more lucrative to watch the T-ball game down the street. He is already headed to his worst season ever as a head coach…maybe the Ol’ Ball Coach has it in him for one more kill…
ArKANTsas 16
Watch the GAME you COCK 34
EGM
Hawgs 14
Cocks 28
ML
The other white meat 10
The normal white meat 20
Tennessee-Martin at Auburn (NL), 2:30
CB
The rotation sure did fuck me this week. I guess I can take this time to talk about how I hope for Tommy Tuberville’s sake Aubs gives him one more year to make up for this years embarrassment. I am BY NO MEANS an Auburn fan, to the point that I think I hate them more than any team in the SEC, but give me a break. This guy is a total badass when it comes to coaching and if they (and by they I of course mean Bobby Lowder) scorn Tuberville, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he boarded an orange and white jet right after the Bama game and landed in Knoxville. How lucky am I that I got to talk about two of the biggest scumbags in the SEC this week (Lowder and Petrino)?!
UT-MAHTIN! 2
Aw, Burn Tommy and he’ll get ya…like Freddy. 69 (hehe)
EGM
Who cares? 0
Plainsmen 25
ML
SkyHawks 10
Plainsmen 31
Alabama at LSU (+3), 3:30
EGM
Nothing can understate how huge this game is to both teams. The stadium will harbor hate for both coaches because LSU fans are not even behind their own guy Les Miles. The game itself will feature two very talented defensive/offensive lines, two subpar QBs, a bevy of stud WRs (only one of them on Bama) and tons of overall speed. The two difference makers will be LSU's homefield advantage and Bama's one dimensional attack. LSU will force Bamer to pass after they sell out to stop the run and I'm fully counting on a JPW meltdown after he takes a couple of hits. Bama's conventional running attack doesn't match up well to the strength of the LSU D-line. Both UGA and UF destroyed LSU by exploiting the perimeter of the Cajun defense and then throwing over the top. Bama doesn't have the same kind of attack and Saban typically likes to play ball control and let his huge O-Line wear you down. For LSU on offense, the key is keeping Bama's defense on the field multiple sets of downs. The huge fat ass they count on to stop the run tires easily and LSU has an excellent line and stud TBs that can take advantage of that weakness. Will Miles abandon the run as usual and play into the Saban trap? For once, I'll say no.
Tide 13
Bayou Bengals 17
ML
Satan’s Tide 21
Les S U 22
CB
ROLL TIDE (for 3 more weeks) 23
LSU 19
Wyoming at Tennessee (-27), 1
ML
You Southerners are so impetuous, is it the hot weather? We stick with our coaches until they are convicted of DUIs (Gary Moeller), are near death (JoePa), actually die (Randy Walker), or lose to Michigan all the time (John Cooper). We do not like to shake things up too much. Rich Rodriguez’ performance in Ann Arbor is the case in point. His crazy spread option will never work. We grow our grass 6 inches high and all that running and stuff will not work. If you are going to do an option, there must be 2 fullbacks and 3 tight ends at all times.
Equality State 10
Volunteer State 24
EGM
Cowboys 10
Vols 31
CB
UW 6
UT 30
Florida at Vanderbilt (-24), 8
CB
Wish I A) knew how to insert pictures and B) wasn’t worried that a picture could come back and bite me on the ass in the future if I post it on the net. I have some golden pics from last weekend, (one of them, me coming in second in a beer shotgun booyah!). The majority of the pix are of the UGA side of the stadium in Jax circa middle of the 3rd quarter, EMPTY. It was quite the site. Well I heard it looks like most Jags games, but that is beside the point. Anyways, with that huge win, the Gators have a chance to clinch the SEC East this weekend by defeating a pretty tough Vandy team. I have to give them respect this week even though I hate them, cause I’m trying to follow Urban’s lead. (Is it really that big of a stretch to blindly follow one man’s advice and rhetoric? I mean 64 million people did it Tuesday! Badum ching!). Anyways…as I said, beat Vandie, clinch the EAST, root for Bama until the SECCG…I swear it shall be done! GO GATORS!
UF 42
Vandalay 17
EGM
Gators 38
Dores 13
ML
Big Ten Bullies 30
Not as good as Northwestern 14
Ole Miss - OFF
ML
One thing I must say, I love summer dresses. We never see those up here in the Midwest. Our girls where hoodies and peacoats. By the time we find out whether they have a good body or not, its too late and we are “pot-committed.” I love the accents too. It is much better than the “oooooh sure” and “don’t ya knows” we get up here.
Mississippi State – OFF
EGM
If you could spend an off week anywhere, I have to believe Starkvegas has to top the list places NOT TO GO.
Oklahoma State at Tejas Tech (-3), 8
EGM
Tejas Tech now enters the gauntlet that Tejas was unable to get through. The Cowboys have a high powered attack and have even been known to play a little defense. They get strong QB play for Zac Robinson and have an effective running game. However, Tejas Tech is pretty studly at home as proven last week. Harrell to Crabtree is quite a hard combination to stop and the Red Raiders actually have a defense this year. This game has trap written all over it for the highly ranked Techsters but they play fantastic at home and will pull away at some point. I really hope Mike Leach goes to Clemson rather than Tennessee, life would be even tougher if he was in the SEC.
Cowboys 21
Red Raidaz 31
ML
T. Boone 38
Raiders 34
CB
Okie St 37
Tex Tech 38
COMRADES! What a week of highs and lows! Up with the Gators, down with the free market! The Gators hammered UGA and seemed to make everything right in the world. However, this was followed by BARACK! winning and nationalizing thousands of my tax dollars while simultaneously scrapping the Constitution in favor of “fairness.” Even worse, one of my favorite authors, Michael Crichton died. I guess you take the good with the bad. Another bad note, I’ve been on a brutal slide in the picks. I’m going bold this week, mixing in some Ayn Rand and some upset specials. We’ll see if that’s the CHANGE! I need.
Malt Licker
In the spirit of the coming Administration, and to prepare our readers for the institution of the Orwellian “Fairness” doctrine, the Malt Licker is going to personally provide “an alternative viewpoint” and ghost-write for a fan of the much-maligned Big Ten. But not without first saying how great it was to smash Georgia.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
I can’t tell you what a relief it is that the Gators trounced UGA last week. I have to admit it was causing a little grief in my household, well right up until Friday night when I had a vision. Some call it a drunken delusion; I choose to call it a vision. I had a cold most of last week so I was a little lightheaded. Some friends came in town for the Cocktail Party and so I felt the need to throw back a few brewjacks Friday night. In the course of the evening I had my share and proceeded to hit the hay a bit after 1 am. (Not too late, but I can drink fast so…). Anyways, I lay my head down on my pillow and I thought to myself. “(Cuzzin Bailey), I can feel a blow out coming.” Some people, in my situation, may have considered that a sign to go pray to the porcelain God, but not me…When I awoke the next morning I expressed this thought to my comrades but no one believed me. Looks like in this case, drinking WAS the answer…Oh yea, RIP Michael Crichton, RIP Capitalism…
Georgia at Kentucky (+10.5), 12:30
ML
So this SEC is supposed to be so deep and great, how is it that Georgia can be so thoroughly dominated. I thought the SEC was supposed to be deep and competitive. Georgia’s performance reminds me of the last two national title games, when the Big Ten absolutely destrrrr….oh..never mind. I can assure you; however, that Kentucky would not win the Big 10.
Puppies 31
Kitties 14
EGM
Dawgs 31
Kitties 17
CB
Nice Black Pants…on dudes (losers) 30
UK 15
Arkansas at South Carolina (-11.5), 1
CB
Years and years ago, people joked that Steve Spurrier was going to run Phat Phil right out of Knox-vegas because of how badly the Gators owned UT. The semi-prophetic comments came to fruition this week, as the Vols fired Fulmer on the heels of a humiliating loss at South Carolina. Basically, what I’m telling you is, if these pathetic Gamecocks can drive the nail in the coffin for a seasoned veteran coaching a (once) elite team in the SEC East, then what hope in holy hell does Arkansas have this week? They are terrible, awful, worthless, and they are coached by a guy who would better deal his kids soccer match if he thought it was more lucrative to watch the T-ball game down the street. He is already headed to his worst season ever as a head coach…maybe the Ol’ Ball Coach has it in him for one more kill…
ArKANTsas 16
Watch the GAME you COCK 34
EGM
Hawgs 14
Cocks 28
ML
The other white meat 10
The normal white meat 20
Tennessee-Martin at Auburn (NL), 2:30
CB
The rotation sure did fuck me this week. I guess I can take this time to talk about how I hope for Tommy Tuberville’s sake Aubs gives him one more year to make up for this years embarrassment. I am BY NO MEANS an Auburn fan, to the point that I think I hate them more than any team in the SEC, but give me a break. This guy is a total badass when it comes to coaching and if they (and by they I of course mean Bobby Lowder) scorn Tuberville, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he boarded an orange and white jet right after the Bama game and landed in Knoxville. How lucky am I that I got to talk about two of the biggest scumbags in the SEC this week (Lowder and Petrino)?!
UT-MAHTIN! 2
Aw, Burn Tommy and he’ll get ya…like Freddy. 69 (hehe)
EGM
Who cares? 0
Plainsmen 25
ML
SkyHawks 10
Plainsmen 31
Alabama at LSU (+3), 3:30
EGM
Nothing can understate how huge this game is to both teams. The stadium will harbor hate for both coaches because LSU fans are not even behind their own guy Les Miles. The game itself will feature two very talented defensive/offensive lines, two subpar QBs, a bevy of stud WRs (only one of them on Bama) and tons of overall speed. The two difference makers will be LSU's homefield advantage and Bama's one dimensional attack. LSU will force Bamer to pass after they sell out to stop the run and I'm fully counting on a JPW meltdown after he takes a couple of hits. Bama's conventional running attack doesn't match up well to the strength of the LSU D-line. Both UGA and UF destroyed LSU by exploiting the perimeter of the Cajun defense and then throwing over the top. Bama doesn't have the same kind of attack and Saban typically likes to play ball control and let his huge O-Line wear you down. For LSU on offense, the key is keeping Bama's defense on the field multiple sets of downs. The huge fat ass they count on to stop the run tires easily and LSU has an excellent line and stud TBs that can take advantage of that weakness. Will Miles abandon the run as usual and play into the Saban trap? For once, I'll say no.
Tide 13
Bayou Bengals 17
ML
Satan’s Tide 21
Les S U 22
CB
ROLL TIDE (for 3 more weeks) 23
LSU 19
Wyoming at Tennessee (-27), 1
ML
You Southerners are so impetuous, is it the hot weather? We stick with our coaches until they are convicted of DUIs (Gary Moeller), are near death (JoePa), actually die (Randy Walker), or lose to Michigan all the time (John Cooper). We do not like to shake things up too much. Rich Rodriguez’ performance in Ann Arbor is the case in point. His crazy spread option will never work. We grow our grass 6 inches high and all that running and stuff will not work. If you are going to do an option, there must be 2 fullbacks and 3 tight ends at all times.
Equality State 10
Volunteer State 24
EGM
Cowboys 10
Vols 31
CB
UW 6
UT 30
Florida at Vanderbilt (-24), 8
CB
Wish I A) knew how to insert pictures and B) wasn’t worried that a picture could come back and bite me on the ass in the future if I post it on the net. I have some golden pics from last weekend, (one of them, me coming in second in a beer shotgun booyah!). The majority of the pix are of the UGA side of the stadium in Jax circa middle of the 3rd quarter, EMPTY. It was quite the site. Well I heard it looks like most Jags games, but that is beside the point. Anyways, with that huge win, the Gators have a chance to clinch the SEC East this weekend by defeating a pretty tough Vandy team. I have to give them respect this week even though I hate them, cause I’m trying to follow Urban’s lead. (Is it really that big of a stretch to blindly follow one man’s advice and rhetoric? I mean 64 million people did it Tuesday! Badum ching!). Anyways…as I said, beat Vandie, clinch the EAST, root for Bama until the SECCG…I swear it shall be done! GO GATORS!
UF 42
Vandalay 17
EGM
Gators 38
Dores 13
ML
Big Ten Bullies 30
Not as good as Northwestern 14
Ole Miss - OFF
ML
One thing I must say, I love summer dresses. We never see those up here in the Midwest. Our girls where hoodies and peacoats. By the time we find out whether they have a good body or not, its too late and we are “pot-committed.” I love the accents too. It is much better than the “oooooh sure” and “don’t ya knows” we get up here.
Mississippi State – OFF
EGM
If you could spend an off week anywhere, I have to believe Starkvegas has to top the list places NOT TO GO.
Oklahoma State at Tejas Tech (-3), 8
EGM
Tejas Tech now enters the gauntlet that Tejas was unable to get through. The Cowboys have a high powered attack and have even been known to play a little defense. They get strong QB play for Zac Robinson and have an effective running game. However, Tejas Tech is pretty studly at home as proven last week. Harrell to Crabtree is quite a hard combination to stop and the Red Raiders actually have a defense this year. This game has trap written all over it for the highly ranked Techsters but they play fantastic at home and will pull away at some point. I really hope Mike Leach goes to Clemson rather than Tennessee, life would be even tougher if he was in the SEC.
Cowboys 21
Red Raidaz 31
ML
T. Boone 38
Raiders 34
CB
Okie St 37
Tex Tech 38
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