Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IX

El Gran Mono

Week 9 games include such insurmountable foes as North Texas and Utah State. I propose that the AD’s of the SEC grow some balls and stop scheduling these bullshit teams. The Cocktail Party is the only real game of the week and the over/under on that game is in the teens. Its almost as if I’m praying for college basketball to start so I don’t have to watch this horsecrap anymore. I need a Cuzzin’ Bailey story of frivolity and 200 lbs women to cheer me up…but I’ll take a Gator victory instead.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

A sense of relief came over me this past weekend. We went camping, and there was no need to sit around a TV, grasping onto my beer hoping, check that, praying that Chris Leak would find his receiver and the Gators would get a much needed first down or even Touchdown. All of that went away this weekend as we held onto beers around a campfire, freezing our stoners off, but enjoying the company of good friends. Then I was hit with another small dose of reality on Monday when I read this article about the Gators and how spoiled we have become. The article focused on the 2001 season. UF went 10-2 and just missed out on the SEC championship game, and probably the Rose bowl due to a late loss to Tennessee. The game was supposed to be played in September, but something awful happened the week before and obviously football became the least important thing in ours lives. Anyways, the article made it clear two things to me….1) we MUST give this program time, our spoiled attitude is bloody ridiculous and 2) football may not be the most important thing ever….what the hell am I saying?? I am scaring myself right now haha….The Cocktail party is this weekend and if the gamblers have any sense of anything, then the Gators may have a good chance at winning the game this weekend, but more on that later. I will finish my intro with a plea to the Gator fans everywhere; please hold your orders of the your “Fire Coach Meyer” shirts, and please don’t wear jorts this weekend!!! The loser Jawga fans feed off of it….

Malt Licker

This will be a scaled down version of the Bourbon Boys, as yours truly has had to vacate South Florida and the after-effects of Hurricane Wilma. Yes, hurricane fatigue has truly set in.

Utah State at Alabama

EGM

Utah Fucking State. What a crock of shit.

Mormons are pussies 8

But so is the Bama AD 45

CB

I don’t know about the Irish but I want some of the “Luck of the Redneck.” As I said before, last week I was bonding with nature when apparently the Ghost of Bear Bryant laid his hand upon the Volunteer football and forced it out of the back of the endzone allowing the Tide to march down the field and kick an eventual game winning field goal for an incredible 6-3 win over the hapless Vols. Thankfully for Alerbamer, this weekend they will not need to rub the Barney (sic) Stone located in some Hillbilly’s tool shed in Center, AL. Utawr State is just what the doctor ordered to get some offense going … Maybe Shula can get Brodie injured again this year against another craptacular team…

We ain’t so good 13

Ohh my, they’re after me pot o’ dip spit 45

ML

If Bama manages to go through the SEC undefeated, I don’t want to hear any arguments that they should be in the BCS championship game. Play a nonconference schedule that has at least one respectable team, and then come talk to me.

The worst Aggies Available 7

Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy,

just like everyone on our non conference schedule 31

Ole Miss at Auburn

EGM

I remember when this game actually meant something two years ago during Eli’s epic run. Unfortunately, that game broke a streak of about 5000 years of meaninglessness and started a new streak that continues today. If this game was settled on who had the stupidest sounding southern accent and matching hair then it might actually be interesting. TT Da’ Gambler will own his former school.

Ole’ Piss 4

Teatotaling bags of shit 12

CB

Aww-shucks Aww-barn. I was rooting fer ya last week. While the Tigers really let me down last week, they are still totally in the SEC West race…Bamer is looking more and more fucked up ever since they blew out my alma mater and LSU’s luck can’t hold out the entire season, one would think. So this is not the time for the Plainsmen to pack up and fold to the team that invented southern hair. The Reb’s are going to try and invade Jerden(sic)-Hare Stadium this weekend and implement a zero-haircut policy, but they are clearly underestimating the War Eagles’ fratastic hats and checkbook sized wallets…it’s a battle of rich suthun’ pretty boys, and he with the most clichés will be pronounced the winner….

Touch the hair and you die, Yankee! 16

Is that your wallet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 23

ML

The Hair and Tie Bowl. I heard that Auburn’s kicker was lynched on Toomer’s Corner following his choke against LSU. Wait…it’s probably offensive to use the term “lynch” nowadays. We can’t even state the obvious that black Americans are more likely to have world-class speed.

Drunk flowing locks 16

Sober flowing locks 37

Georgia vs Florida at Jacksonville, FL

EGM

I’m disappointed the Shocker will not be playing this week. I always look forward to the surprise reaction when he slips through cracks in the defense. UF couldn’t move the ball on a Pop Warner defense right now and despise anything that may be deemed “traditional”. That sort of attitude will go nowhere with a Georgia defense that has eaten up several teams. Even the mad Pole Joe Terishinski can’t blow this game.

Red shirts and black stretch pants rule 9

Jean shirts and gold chains suck 8

CB

I, wisely, spent all of Monday on the Gatorsports.com message boards trying to get a straight answer about DJ “Mix Magic” “the Shocker!” Shockley. I found it so confusing that Bulldogs everywhere, including those in my own office!, were trying to convince me and the whole world that their starting QB would be out for this huge game. This is the game he came to UGA to play in and now he is just gonna rest up for Auburn….it just seemed so contrived, so planned out to fool the Gators into thinking we had a chance… I thought for sure they were just saying all that to trick us into a false sense of security, and then I realized that I just might be the most paranoid person in the world. The Gators are favored by 4 as of right now (me writing this, not you reading it)….and that gives me some hope that perhaps we are capable of a crazy huge victory this year … The Gator D has to be huge this weekend (as they have been lately) and I just hope to heck that our offense will be up to the challenge. If I lose, I’m wearing a blasted UGA shirt around work next week, with (sigh) pressed khakis … I don’t think I can handle that … GO GATORS!

Extra Starch Yall! 16

Orange and Blue, and a Brew or TWO! 20

ML

Apparantly we are “tweaking” the offense, I’ll believe it when I see it. Thankfully, the Shocker is out of commission, and this polock replacement is slated to start in the biggest game of his pathetic career. This is also the biggest game of Urban’s life, as it will keep the Gators alive in the Eastern division. Defensive struggle is mandatory for Gator chances, as they have no chance to cover the spread dictated by Vegas, unless we totally abandon the offensive playbook of Zeta Beta Tau.

Shocker-less dildos 10

I haven’t worn Jorts in years 12

Mississippi State at Kentucky

EGM

You can’t even dream up a matchup worse than this.

Stansbury sucks dick 19

Tubby beats his wife 17

CB

Another God-awful match up. I have finally shut those MSU fuckers up from my Yahoo! College Football Pick’em message board… I think they realized that jokes about how Southbeach-ish the Gator fans are and how “students schedule their classes around Laguna Beach” was just a) fucking lunacy, and b) not even funny. I feel sorry for the hotties in Lexington this weekend, who have to endure such atrocious behavior from the Bulldog fans. Hopefully the fact that bars close at 1am up there, will keep the psychos from Starkville just sober enough not to be total douchebags …. This game is hardly even worth talking about….

Stupidity is only sort of funny 27

Ashley Judd… sooo hot! 24

ML

What an ugly game, Miss. St lost to Houston and Kentucky is well, Kentucky. Gambling Rule #5, when two crappy teams with two crappy quarterbacks get together, go with the crappy team that’s at home

Focused on Egg Bowl 13

Focused on Preseason NIT 10

South Carolina at Tennessee

EGM

Spurdog vs Fulmer. Who ever thought this game would suck so much? UT lost their best offensive weapon in Gerald Riggs so now the Bald Pickle Man must take over and beat teams with his rag arm. UT’s defense is still pretty stout and should be able to stop the Cocks.

Spurdog needs a couple seasons to recruit 13

Fulmer recruits like he eats 31

CB

Remember when we used to always root for USC to upset UT because we hated Tennessee and we really wanted some breathing room in the East? Well three things have happened to make this the most boring game of the week. 1) the Vols are totally out of the race for the SEC Championship, 2) we don’t hold the lead in our division so it really doesn’t matter, and 3) Gerald Riggs is out and the pathetic Tennessee offense managed only to get in field goal range for a whopping 3 points last week…I wonder how shitty Phatass Phil feels now that his team is as much of a joke as his weight….

A shread of defense can go a long way 10

Do we have an offense now that Riggs is out? 12

ML

Will the beat up on Spurrier theme continue among all his former whipping boys? UT doesn’t have the offense to beat up on anyone. Since women and homos are the only ones that eat cock, I don’t think Phat Phil (Assuming he’s hetero) will be as distracted as he would be if he played the Fighting Blue Hens

Chickies 13

Vawallz 16

North Texas at LSU

EGM

Ah, the classic midseason matchup with a Sunbelt conference powerhouse.

Mean Green 9

Mean BO 37

CB

This is the opportunity that LSU gets to make up for the game that was previously postponed because George Bush hates America to the point that he can conjure up hurricanes. North Texas..zzzzzz huh? What? … this game has no interest to me, but I won’t feel like I am doing this justice if I don’t at least mention that LSU, with one SEC loss, took a step in the right direction last week by beating Auburn. This is a great weekend for the Cajun population to just get crazy hammered ….

Wake me up when we get to “North” Texas 10

Don’t wake me up, I’m hungover 45

ML

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

NTU 7

LSWho!!!!! 33

Arkansas – OFF

EGM

Arkansas is the worst passing team of the 21^st century.

CB

It took an injury to UGA’s “star” to keep the Razahbacks in the game last week…You know what? Screw Arkansas …. I’m watching this thing on TV that is showing the 100 Scariest Scenes in Movies …. The 2005 Razorback season might be in this somewhere, I’ll let yall know…BAM! what was that????? Oh, another loss

ML

I’m sorry for doubting Arkansas had a chance to pull the upset, job well done though with the injury to Shocker.

Vanderbilt – OFF

EGM

Any thoughts of a bowl game were extremely misguided.

CB

Poor little Vandies! This looked like it could be their year….but that was a horrible, horrible mistake …. I guess with this being Halloween weekend, maybe they can dress up as a real team since they have nothing to lose.

ML

Vandy’s coaches are worried about paper cuts and carpal tunnel that could develop during the bye week.

North Carolina at Miami

EGM

The Cokeheads look to avenge their loss to the pitiful Tarheels. I would rather be beaten senseless with a tee ball bat than watch this game.

That’s not tar on your foot, its dogshit 7

Do you know a coke hookup in Blacksburg? 22

CB

I guess when the ACC voted to allow Mee-ami into their conference they all totally forgot that their innocent student/athletes would have to travel to the Cocaine Capitol of America. They got some quality product down there, much more pure than what you’ll find in Chapel Hill that’s for sure, ese. Well hold on, would you call Carolina’s signature color, “Powder Blue”??? That’s kind of ironic don’t you think? Powder…Coke…. C’mon people, I can’t walk you through every joke…

Carolina ‘Crunk 17

SouthBeach Smoke 33

ML

Contrary to media reports, its not chaos in South Florida. There is a bright side to all this, with power out throughout much of the area maybe people will actually go to the UM game.

Tar Babies 17
Our nickname is quite apropos 37

Maryland at Florida State

EGM

FSU managed to right the ship last week against the Pukies. Maryland knows how to play a little defense so they might keep themselves in the game. However, I see one of many jailbird Criminole wideouts breaking free late in the game.

Turtles on the half shell 10

Convicts 17

CB

I love listening to sports radio here in ACC country. All this, “Maryland is gonna beat FSU” talk and shit like that just shows exactly what kind of homers I have to deal with everyday. That compounded by listening to Tony Kornheiser and the liberal banter that he mistakes for sports talk drives me crazy when I am running late for work everyday. Anyways, the Criminoles beat up on Puke last week and Murrahland lost to the fluke (Va Tech.) Its pretty pathetic to see FSU playing like, this so for their cracktastic sake, lets hope they don’t look like … what am I saying? An FSU loss is probably one of the better things I can think of…However with a loss, that may set off a huge crime spree in Tally… and once again, why would this bother me?? I say Go Terps this weekend however unlikely …

Liberal Turtles 19

Apolitical Thugs 31

ML

Revenge game for the criminals. The only thing I know about Maryland is they have the fattest coach on earth.

Fear the Turtle!!!! 14

Fear the Police!!!!! 34

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 53 14 79

El Gran Mono 52 15 78

Malt Licker 50 17 75