Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XI

Malt Licker

Well ladies and gentlemen, after a month of subpar SEC matchups, we embark on what may be the biggest of the year. Intriguing matchups abound this weekend as the Tide have their first major test against the Bayou Bengals, War Damn Eagle takes on Georgia and the Shocker, and Spur-dog welcomes his beloved alma mater to Cock-land. I’m sure much of the Gator Nation is suffering through a major league meltdown. One need look no further than Cuzzin’ Bailey’s takes in this column

El Gran Mono

This Saturday is like moving day at a golf tourney. You have either taken yourself out of contention or are putting yourself in the thick of things. Then there are the fucking idiots who didn’t make the cut.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Holy Guacamole! I knew it was a stupid idea to make fun of Vandie last week. I felt a little nervous, before the game, because they have a sick passing offense and Cutler is the best QB ever etc etc, etc … Look ... they lost, we won, its over, and even though, in the past, I used to not hate him, Shepherd Smith from Fox News showed his pussy colors the other day when he said he wished that UF had lost on live TV. Well Shep, you’re on my shit list. This week we’re playing some old coach who used to be the HC somewhere familiar. I’m not sure if I have heard enough of this bullshit drama…I think if the Gators can get past the mystique of Spur-dawg this game realistically shouldn’t be close. They’re offense sucks and if we have a shred of talent we should be able to shut them down so lets all hope so …

LSU at Alabama

ML

Big time game with not only SEC West title implications, but National title implications as well. LSU could win out and count on some upsets to SC, Miami, or Texas and possibly slip into the BCS title game. Alabama can earn some respect with a victory over the Tigers. Is it just me or are all of Bama’s big games at home this year? They haven’t been the same offensively since Prothro’s ankle splintered like a South Florida utility pole, and LSU has quietly moved back into the top 5 after their choke job against Tennessee. The key for LSU is to play a solid first quarter and try to get ahead by a touchdown, and force the Savior to lead Shula’s anemic offense from behind.

Rattled in the first quarter, will cost us the game 14

On borrowed time 16

EGM

Huge fucking game. LSU would be undefeated if their QB wasn’t an idiot and Alabama should have three losses right now. Everyone on Bama’s team is hurt and LSU doesn’t have any injuries whatsoever unless you count Les Miles’ injured brain. Shula is a shitty coach and has no business being undefeated.

Addai 21

Number of straws Protho uses daily 7

CB

Wow this game could very well determine the winner of the SEC West. Assuming my calculations are correct, if Bama wins, and Aw-burn loses, the Crimzin Elephants will mathematically be the winners b/c that will give both sets of Tigers two losses with the Tide only having one conference game left …but as always, there is a wrench in these plans. Bama hasn’t scored an offensive touchdown since God knows when, and LSU isn’t the worst team ever so for all I know these Tigers may in fact kick the shit out of Bamer….Man I’m so confused … in one hand we have a cracktastic QB in Jamarcus Ru….Ra…something, and in the other we have Bama who couldn’t find the endzone with a ..well shit, an endzone finder. I guess it would be prudent to go with Bama having a resurgence of offense just in the nick of time, but perhaps the Bayou bitches will have their way with the ‘alternate version of Red’ team. I think that its hard to go against the team that ruined my Gators … wait, both of them beat us…FUCK!

Dey got sum fried elephan’ down by da port-o-let! 10

Hey Tigers, We gonna kick the hell outta you! sorta 13

Arkansas at Ole Miss

ML

Man…what a snoozer. I read that the Hawgs are still looking for their first SEC win. Will my boy Houston be wishing he took the Nebraska job if he gets canned after this year? Probably. But if I were Arkansas, I’d give this stud one more year. Teams like these need to be satisfied with finishing a game or two above .500 every year, with an occasional 9 win season, and be able to tolerate the occasional 4 win season. Especially if your fans are either hellacious rednecks (Arkansas), or hellacious rednecks that think they aren’t by wearing ties and never cutting their hair.

R-Backs 7

Rebs 13

EGM

If someone knocked me out and dropped me off at this game. When I awoke I would think “I’ve died and I’m in hell”

Just plain bad 17

Really bad 12

CB

Its hard to find the inspiration to discuss this game but I will persevere. Earlier this week, I was trying to compare two things (I forget what) and someone tried to associate one of the items as being “like Arkansas” where the other one was like “Hawaii” … My response was that “nothing is as bad as Arkansas.” That being said, I apologize for taking up too much of your time, but Ole Miss v. Arkansas? This sounds God-awful…

The worst place ever? 17

Racist hippies? 14

Auburn at Georgia

ML

So will Georgia use the “Shockley not 100% excuse” after they choke it away against the Riverboat Gambler???? I’d bet the house on it. UGA-phile Trev Alberts will be tearing the hair out of his lovely part after this one.

WAR MOTHER FUCKIN’ EAGLE 24

Enjoy the Peach Bowl 13

EGM

The Eddie Bauer Bowl. I bet half the cars in the parking lot at this game have kayaks on them. I’m sure there will be some pregame idiocy involving stupid fiftysomethings talking about how refined and classy these two fan bases are because they wear khaki pants and dresses. Unfortunately, it takes more than a garment and a shiteating grin to be classy. As for the teams, both teams have shit QBs and solid defenses. A solid recipe for a low scoring game. Hopefully the Plainsmen have what it takes…

We use our Cox 21

We use the Shocker 17

CB

This is the point in the story when I turn into a part-time fan of another school just for a day. I can’t express this enough but we really really really really really need two things to happen on Saturday. If one of them doesn’t happen then the other doesn’t mean shit. THEY BOTH HAVE TO HAPPEN. Get this straight you fucking War Eagle, Tiger, Plainsmen….you have no choice but to beat the shit out of Jawga. I mean assuming the Gators don’t screw the pooch this weekend, it is absolutely imperative that you win. Still, just cause I want something happen doesn’t always mean that it will. If that were the case then the Gators wouldn’t even have to worry about needing help and what not…but something that the Gators have going for them in this game is that Auburn still has a lot to play for … with an LSU loss and a win in the Iron Bowl next week means that they are in the SEC Champ game … I think with that thought in their minds (if it works out in the afternoon) the Tigers will be just fired up enough to take care of the lazy loser bitch ass doggies….

Playin’ for the Gators (I hope) 24

Gonna get screwed by another bunch dressed in Orange and Blue 20

Florida at South Carolina

ML

Many Gator fans might be hearing the John Williams’ jaws theme and picturing Spurrier diagramming plays aimed at our ultimate doom. I, however, will hear the theme and know that we are still the University of Florida, and SC is still South Carolina, and we still have superior talent, even with the injuries, and South Carolina has never won a game like this throughout their history, and I don’t see it happening this week.

Gators 27

Gamecocks 17

EGM

The Ol’ Ball coach gets a shot at his alma mater. I am very fucking scared. Luckily he has no talent whatsoever on either side of the ball and has yet to beat a good team all year. In two years this game will be much scarier. Hopefully Cuzzin’ Bailey, the Big Dawg, Mean Gene, the Mick and other members of the Motley Crew can bring home the victory. I can see Jager bomb records being destroyed.

Kings of Jager 31

Dragging their Cocks on the ground 14

CB

What could the prevailing theme be here? As I alluded earlier, there is going to be a former Gator coach on the sidelines this weekend ... and that is none other than Ray Graves!!!!!!! Oh wait…. No, its that other guy who won a bunch and this and that … great …. We must point out these miraculous phenomenal wins were to the likes of Arkansas and Tennessee this year… nothing TOO spectacular …. Averaging two TDs lately and shit … garbage … as long as we don’t get fooled by Spur-dawgs trickeration, I think the Gators should make the afternoon bearable in Columbia for our fans….

Maybe the Champs of the EAST? 31

What happens when Spurrier takes Viagra? He gets taller 22

Kentucky at Vanderbilt

ML

Jay Cutler is for real, that kid is mobile as shit with a cannon for an arm. However, he has a total jackass for a father. Did you see that clown taunting the student section? There are 2 types of people. People who know they are outnumbered and anything they do to antagonize an unruly crowd will just escalate the situation and try to keep a low profile, and those who know all of this and reciprocate. The first group of people never get jumped and beaten to death, and the second group end up broken and bleeding in an alley somewhere.

Hoop Hysteria 10

Prominent parent sipping liquid lunch through a straw 24

EGM

KY is keeping Rich Brooks for another year of rebuilding. Solid move, at least I don’t have to worry about KY being good for at least another year. FUCK VANDY. FUCK YOUR WHINING ABOUT THE CALLS. FUCK YOUR GPA. And most notable…FUCK YOUR COACH.

Roundball season 12

Jay Cutler is officially FUCKING GOOD 28

CB

I’m gonna say it now, Kentucky is going to get totally destroyed this weekend. Vandy played awesome last week and assuming that they didn’t just cash in their season after the heartbreaker in Gainesville, then Kensucky doesn’t stand a damn chance in hell….The only team with a possible chance at a basketball score this weekend will be the Commodores….at least they have hotties …. Vandie’s broads.. uh … leave something to be desired … thankfully that doesn’t matter on the field…

Current Doormats 14

Former Doremats 60

Memphis at Tennessee

ML

It’s a wide-open race for the state championship, and Tennessee looks to take their first step this week against DeAngelo Williams. I actually see the Vols breaking through with a big win. The strength of their defense is against the run, and a running game is all Memphis State has to offer. Phil seemed prime for a big upset in South Bend, only to see his team fall apart in the fourth quarter like he does when McDonald’s pulls the McRib out of circulation.

EGM

Solid CUSA matchup in November. The sad part is that it will actually be a good game. Is it me, or is Erik Ainge incredibly bad?

Don’t call us Memphis state 7

Don’t call us good 20

CB

Wouldn’t it be awesome if UT couldn’t even win their own state title this year… I mean I have already locked them in for a loss to Vanderbilt, so now if Memphis (St) can pull together even a smidge of offense this weekend they have a great shot of just ruining all of those hicks homecoming party hahaha …. Wow, I just realized I’m rooting for two sets of Tigers this weekend ….

No need to be scared this year 31

Nice losing record Phatty 28

Mississippi State – OFF

ML

In honor of Boy George and George Michael, I’m going with Bi in this one

EGM

Sly Croom – Black Coach of the Year in the SEC

CB

I just don’t know what to say…I mean look at yourselves… you’ve embarrassed the state of Mississippi and let me tell you, that is a really hard thing to do. You have an awesome chance of losing every SEC game this year … I say go for it … you douchebags…

Florida State at Clemson

ML

Bowden Bowl….how exciting. FSU ran the ball 3 times in the second half last week. Jeff Bowden must have to do something really extreme, like shit down his mother’s mouth to get fired. Meanwhile Tommy is putting together another mediocre season at Clemzzzzzon. The ACC Atlantic has exactly 1 team with a record over .500 in the conference, proving yet again that the ACC still manages to suck ass as a conference.

Hey…maybe we should hand the ball off some 24

Can we bring back Danny Ford 16

EGM

I refuse to watch this game. The stupidity of Ann Bowden’s two sided sweater and Bobby and Tommy yucking it up pretending like Bobby didn’t take a dive two years ago so The Skinny One didn’t get shitcanned. I bet Clemson fans are regretting that shit every day of the year. The Noles suck and its all because of Jeff Bowden and his refusal to run the ball. Clemson is seriously banged up on the offensive side of the ball but I just don’t see Drew “Oh shit, this guy is here for three more years” Weatherford coming out of Death Valley II with a win.

Crime spree in a bottle 10

Ganja U 17

CB

FSU lost last week…. I think this just a ploy for them to fly a little under the Gators’ radar so when we play them the Saturday right after Thanksgiving (which I will be at), we won’t be expecting anything from them. Oh and speaking of off the radar, where the hell has Clemson been this year? Was it this year or last year that they almost beat Miami??? I swear I haven’t heard shit about Chuck Whitehurst since September. That dude Washington is a “wash” for this week again for FSU and without him we all saw how awesomely terrible Drew Weatherford is….which I totally called since the beginning. The game’s at Clemson, FSU’s coach touches children …. I’d be crazy NOT to pick the Tigers (eerie).

Fetishly Sicko U 20

Is fetishly a word? Right like someone who went to Clemson would know! 22

Miami at Wake Forest

ML

I think it is about time that the 20,000 real fans in Miami realize that they have a heckuva head coach in Coker. I was bought into the hype about Marcus Vick, but that defense totally destroyed him.

Waiting for revenge against FSU 34

Totally irrelevant 13

EGM

Let’s get this straight. Va Tech hadn’t played a team with a pulse before stepping up to the plate against the Cokeheads. The Cokeheads still can’t throw the ball worth a damn but those motherfuckers can sure play defense. Wake brings nothing to the table other than having one of the coolest mascots of all time.

We have no religion ese 24

Demonic yet ordained 9

CB

Wow all three good Florida schools are playing in the Carolinas this weekend. Memo to the Cane Players: I will do my best to find a hook up for you with snow in Winston-Salem. But other than that, I guess I owe an apology to all of those who I steered in the wrong direction when it came to the Va Tech game last week. As I said, I live waaaay too close to Va Tech to avoid all the homers in the area who were sucking the Hokies crank. I bought into the hype that they weren’t just a bunch of total shitheads. Typically the Deacs play one good game a year, too bad that already happened….

Too early for snow in NC? 45

Good place to start smoking.. 17

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 65 18 78

El Gran Mono 63 20 76

Malt Licker 61 22 73