El Gran Mono
Greatest sports week of all time? That’s the question I’m asking myself right now. The Rays spectacular comeback and run to the playoffs and the Gators start of the SEC gauntlet makes for some fantastic television. I hope the results are the same for the Gators as they were for the Rays. However, Saban and Miles aren’t overrated choke artists like those chumps in Boston so the odds are a little longer. I can’t wait to have a drink or two in the Sunshine State with my Boubon Boys brethren and discuss these things as well as the fate of the international banking system.
Brew of the Week: New Belgium Hoptoberfest (I’m not a fan of the Oktoberfest style of beer but this is a little slice of heaven)
Malt Licker
I would like to extend a hearty congratulations to all the die-hard Rays fans for being able to enjoy an amazing September and an incredible Wednesday night. I guess baseball can be exciting sometimes. I would also like to thank the Rays for making my month. As a Yankees fan and avid Red Sox hater, watching this epic collapse has already made my sports year. Schadenfreude, thy name is Malt Licker. The Rays comeback has set the stage for one of the bigger sports weekends in Florida in recent memory, as they head to Texas for the ALDS, my beloved Bucs return to Monday Night Football, and of course, the Gators face the biggest test of the COACH BOOM era. I’ll be making the trek up I-75 to arrive in Gainesville early on Saturday to get ready for the 8 PM kickoff. I’ll do my best to avoid inappropriate references to tornadoes and other natural disasters. I’ll keep it classy and merely question the humanity of Nick Satan.
Cuzzin Bailey
As many of you know, I am a newlywed. What some of you may NOT know is that my BourbonGirl is in fact an Alabama fan. Last year, as I noted, many of my friends and family (including the Malt Licker) were invited to Tuscaloosa for the celebration of my birthday as well as an extremely awesome tailgating scenario with my in-laws before the UF/UA game. This year, there is less of an opportunity to reciprocate the favor but the drama surrounding the game is still present. I feel like it would only be fair for the Gators to come through and win this end of the home and home, but I doubt my mother-in-law would agree haha! I don’t have this game to write about this week, so I will just say its always nice to have a clash of the class of the SEC. This game is an example of what all the other teams in the conference wish they had. Nuff said. On a different note, a HUGE shout-out to the Tampa Bay Rays for completing the greatest September comeback in MLB history by overtaking the scumbag Red Sox and “devastating” Carl Crawford! He was honestly surprised by Rays fans heckling him in left field as the season went on…Dude, you were wearing the enemy’s uniform, whatta you expect? Anyways, Saturday marks the beginning of Hell Month for UF; playing 2 top 5 teams in consecutive weeks, then at Auburn, followed by UGA. Amazing. Anyways, for more on the Gators, the Rays, movies (Point Break) and life, follow me at www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
12:00pm
Mississippi State at Georgia (-7)
EGM
A few weeks ago the world was hot-to-trot for Miss State and I heard Danny Sheridan say that Dan Mullen was the genius behind the national titles at Florida. I disagreed with Danny the Vampire at the time because he neglected to mention Percy Harvin, Tim Tebow, and Urban Meyer but what disturbed me even more was the touting of Miss State as some kind of contender. Danny M’s spread has always struggled to move the ball against quality defenses and when Chris Relf is the pilot things don’t get any better. Auburn also showed that the Miss State defense isn’t quite that great either.
As for UGA, I really don’t know what to make of them. Richt has always loved to run the ball and resort to playaction passing. This gained him the reputation as an offensive genius when David Greene, DJ Shockley, and Matt Stafford were pulling the trigger. What you should notice about that list of QBs is that they were all regarded as good but never stepped up in a game that really mattered. Sure, UGA won the SEC once but that game did not have a lot riding on it. Regarding Aaron Murray and the current Dawgs, I feel like they are the same teams as Richt’s previous teams but with less 10 win seasons (probably because the SEC is better). All that said, I still like them to crush an insignificant Miss State team and start getting hype to win the East. Unfortunately for UGA, they still have to beat UF to win the East and we know that’s not happening.
Chris Relf 17
Aaron Murray 28
ML
Western Dawgs 19
Eastern Dawgs 28
CB
Miss State 16
Jawga 24
Kentucky at LSU (-30)
ML
Thank you Kentucky. You always manage to give a team a nice boost of confidence before a big game. Honestly, who is Kentucky recruiting on defense? I’ve never seen more side-to-side/reversing of field runs in my life. If I were LSU I’d just run reverses on every play. The thought of a guy or team switching sides of the field must never occur to UK. The Tigers rolled over the Mountaineers and into the top ranking. Of course, the last time LSU faced the Cats as the #1 team, they lost. However, that Kentucky team had a competent QB and their coach was not named Joker. Jordan Jefferson’s suspension was lifted this week, so the Cats best hope is that the Mad Hatter tries to incorporate this turnover machine into the offense.
The Jokes on Blue 6
Tigers rolling 40
CB
Kats 9
Tigres 42
EGM
Kats 0
Tigers 49
Texas A&M at Arkansas (+3)
ML
The Aggies “sort of” get an introduction to the SEC. I say sort of because the game is taking place on a neutral field, away from a campus, and at an NFL stadium. It is also being played against their former SWC brethren. They’ll get their first indoctrination when they go into Bryant-Denny, Jordan-Hare and The Swamp 3 times in 4 weeks. Both teams are coming off disappointing losses last week and licking their wounds. The Hawgs were hammered in Tuscaloosa, while the Aggies blew a big lead to OSU at home. This game seems like a coin flip to me, so I’m taking Petrino and the points.
Aggies 30
Hawgs 37
CB
SEC Bound 32
Leave the SEC 33
EGM
Aggies 21
Arky 20
12:30pm
Buffalo at Tennessee (-28)
EGM
I think we have reached that phase of the season when no one cares about UT anymore and they seem to have five “Buffalos” on their schedule. How they can manage to do this and still play eight conference games is miraculous and is probably worth an extra win.
Vols 41
Buffalo 10
ML
Buffalo Buffaloes 7
Tennessee Tennesseans 41
CB
Buffalo 6
Vuls 44
3:30pm
Auburn at South Carolina (-10)
CB
Well, its pretty clear what’s up with Auburn, they are exactly what we all suspected, they AIN’T NO GOOD! South Carolina is pretty decent but nothing special at all. In fact, judging by the games these two teams have played so far this year, I would expect this game to be about as sloppy as CuzzinBailey in New Orleans, night one of the Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger’s bachelor party. Auburn’s defense is surprisingly awful, and their offense is not that great without Cam Newton. South Carolina is making winning feel like a colonoscopy for their fans. I’m sure the Gamecocks will take this game, but I don’t like the spread with so many questions out there…
Aubarn 21
Cocks 28
EGM
Plainsmen 13
Cocks 24
ML
Plainsman 27
Cocksman 30
8:00pm
Alabama at Florida (+4)
EGM
Last year this game was hyped as a chance for the Gators to avenge their SEC Championship loss. However, anyone that watched the Gators in the first few weeks knew they were not the same caliber of team from previous years. John Brantley guiding the spread was a comedy of errors to say the least.
Many Tide fans likely see this Gator team as the same bumbling idiots with the only change being a new headcoach and an asshole OC. What they probably don’t realize is how much the change in offensive system and new found motivation has resulted in a vastly improved team. That said, the Gators still have a lot to prove, especially on offense.
The Bama defense is what it typically is: fast, disciplined, and reactive. Their offense is another story and its all because of one guy, AJ McCarron. I’ve seen him play in every game this year and I’m not impressed. Futhermore, he has yet to face obstacle like the Swamp and the Gator offense.
This game looks to take offense back 100 years. I’d love to pick my Gators but my gut tells me John Brantley doesn’t have it in him. I hope he proves otherwise.
Tide 13
Gators 10
ML
Tide 17
Gators 12
CB
Bama 20
Florida 21
9:15pm
Ole Miss at Fresno St (-3.5)
CB
While some of my in-laws are Bama fans, the rest support the Rebels. I really want them to do well for that fact, but look, that just ain’t happening. I’ll bet they are seriously regretting scheduling a game like this, huh? Travel out to California for a night game after a serious skid, in retrospect that seems exactly the opposite of what they would want. Look, I’ll be honest, I don’t know anything about Fresno State (other than that’s where Daniel Laruso moved from Jersey with his mom in Karate Kid), and their head coach looks like a dog. Ole Miss is underachieving again this year. This is probably the most frustrating team in the SEC that I don’t hate. (Tennessee and UGA are definitely 1A and 1B for all teams). They have had 2 coaches that have had quite a bit of success at other SEC schools in the past decade (Tuberville and now Nutt), but they just can’t get over that hump. You can always expect them to have at least 1 good win a year, but unfortunately this one ain’t it.
Ole Miss 20
Fresno-san 27
EGM
Black Bears 10
Fresno 20
ML
Dilfer U 34
Eli U 20
Vanderbilt – Bye Week – Really not worth saying anything here.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week IV
Cuzzin Bailey
Is it game week? I mean seriously, I haven’t heard one peep about the game. Albeit I have had other things on my mind, but it just doesn’t feel like a game week. This all could be solved if we were joining a good group of Gators who are actually making the trek to Lexington this weekend, but alas we are not. However, when those folks get there, they are in for a treat. Lexington is an awesome city located in a beautiful part of the Bluegrass State. Great folks, great nightlife and Commonwealth Stadium is a very nice SEC venue to check off your list. All that being said, like most Gators, all I think about when this game comes up is all the cheering that went on when Tebow went down back in 09. It wasn’t just the yokels at the game either. I think for about 15 minutes, Facebook got more action than a UK sorority girl at a bourbon drinking contest. Well we got through that, and we’re back for more. Wow, I am about as thrilled with this opening as I am about adding A&M and Mizzou to the SEC. Could we pick teams that were less “meh”? I doubt it. I actually wish we were getting FSU instead of either one of these teams. But we all know that the Florida State is a basketball school, so that will never happen. UGH, I hope the Gators are more psyched than I am this week…Anyways, as you could notice on your own, we are graced with the presence of our first Guest Bourbon Boy in a few years, the Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger will fill you all with his fresh POVs and hot knowledge! And as always, don’t be afraid to follow me on twitter, I guarantee a followback! www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
El Gran Mono
I’m sure all of readers can feel it…the world is back in proper alignment and yours truly has a two game lead in the picks. The SEC, on the other hand, will soon be out of alignment as teams start/continue to fall short of their expectations. Last week, Auburn followed Georgia along the path to the Liberty Bowl. Could South Carolina be next?
As for the most exciting game of the week, that honor falls on LSU-WVa. Has there ever been a bigger collection of BALs over 0.20 in the history of the world (excluding Tuesday nights in random Russian cities)? If Les Miles showed up in full battle armor I would not be surprised at all.
Brew of the week: Victory Pilsner (full flavored but still light)
Malt Licker
Did you hear that thud Saturday night? That was the sound of my handicapping skills crashing to earth. Maybe you shouldn’t just blindly follow your leaders. It’s something to think about. We learned a little bit more about our Gators. We know that Rainey and Demps need help or they will not make it through September. We know that we have no faith in the vertical passing game (Sound familiar). We know that our linebackers are really fast, but have terrible hands, and we learned that our young secondary can stay close to receivers, but sometimes a little too close. Fortunately, as the Zooker says, the defensive stuff is correctable. Unfortunately, Johnny B’s quarterbacking is not. It should not matter this week. Our Gators head to Lexington to take on a reeling Wildcats squad. A good chunk of the Bourbon Boys subscribers will be in attendance. Have a sip, or ten, of Four Roses for me!
Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger
Well here we are once again with a guest appearance by yours truly the Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger. I will apparently be covering the state of Mississippi for this week of college football for the Bourbon Boys. First of all would like to start by thanking CB, EGM, and ML for allowing the honor in participating in this week’s Bourbon Boys. Last week we saw that “being back” did not really apply to the Noles and I cannot help but hope it has something to do with the grotesque suck-fest that Gameday had on about Crapallahassee.
The Gators domination of the Tennessee Volunteers continues for the 7th year in a row. This is especially nice considering that Mrs. BHGB’s entire family graduated from Knoxville, so any victory versus the InVols is nice for bragging rights around the up-coming holidays. This week JB3 and the Chris “Time to Die” Rainey take their show on the road to Lexington to take on the Rambunctious Kitties.
As for my picks I have selected a beer for each of the teams and will be picking the team with the better beer to be the winner. So I will be upstaging El Gran Mono’s lame one beer pick and giving you 4. SUCK IT EGM. I was told to mention that I was stuck in traffic heading to Tampa to try and find some of the beers I had selected for this week. I drove over an hour an attempt to find the only beer brewed in Mississippi but fell as short as our good friend, @joemorganfan. I don’t think anyone has ever done this much prep work for Bourbon Boys. And be sure to follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/shartling27
Side note, UFC picks for this weekend Koshcheck over Hughes and the money maker of the weekend Rampage over Jones at +375
12:30pm
Georgia at Ole Miss (+9.5)
BHGB
The so far lackluster Dawg’s come into the city of “no selling cold beer” to face the R#bels, I am not sure if I can use the R word in a public forum. Mark Richt stays his execution with a win last week over the powerhouse known as Coastal Carolina and look for the Dawgs to continue by rolling over the Rebel$. This should and will be a high scoring game with very little to no defense being played on this day in the entire state of Mississippi.
My pick could have easy been swayed to the side of the Reb’s if Mrs. Cuzzin Bailey’s dad would have let us fire that cannon when we were in Oxford. It’s not like El Gran Mono and I have had any problems with explosives before, have we?
Terrapin Beer Company - Athens, GA - Hopsectioner - (7.3%) - golden crisp IPA that has the best label ever
Lazy Magnolia - Kiln, MS - Southern Pecan Nut Brown Ale - really smooth brown ale with a nutty taste with little after taste ....awesome
Pups - 35
Rebels - 21
CB
UGA 24
Ole Miss 17
EGM
UGA 41
Black Bears 9
ML
Jawja 30
Ole Piss 10
3:30pm
Arkansas at Alabama (-11.5)
EGM
This is certainly the best “all SEC” game of the week. Arkansas continues to be an offensive juggernaut despite the loss of their line sniffing, right-arm life support system (otherwise known as Ryan Mallet). However, Arkansas hasn’t played a team 1/10th as good as Bama. The Tide have not struggled but they certainly haven’t showed much offensive prowess. It’s really hard to tell how this game is going to break since either team has yet to be tested. When in doubt, I will go with Nick Saban and his minions (but not by 11.5).
Hogs 20
Bama 21
ML
‘Bama 24
‘kansas 14
BHGB
Tide31
Ark of the Kansas 17
CB
Arky 16
BAMA 33
FSU at Clemson (-2.5)
ML
The Noles are back baby!!! Back out of the top 10! At the risk of saying something positive, I was mildly impressed with their defense. They really had Bowden Field at Taxpayer-Subsidized Stadium rocking and rolling. The Nole$ are more banged up than the sisters of ∆∆∆, and may only have 4 scholarship WRs available. The big question mark is EJ Manuel, who impersonated Colt McCoy and Jay Cutler to sit out most of the second half against OU. Last week Clemzin rallied from a 14 point deficit to end Auburn’s winning streak and position themselves in the top 25. I expect this game to be nip and tuck, and it may depend on the skills of F$U’s latest, greatest, douchebag PK.
Clemzin 24
Criminoles 23
BHGB
Back at it 28
We love a rock 24
CB
Semino le is Creek for Runaway 23
More Tigers 24
EGM
Noles 24
Tigers 21
7:00pm
Florida at Kentucky (+19.5)
CB
Look, there are two ways of looking at this game. One way is that the Gators are unproven, we “barely” beat UT (by 10) at home and now without the hype this week, our young team will fall victim to the oldest trick in the book, underestimating your opponent and playing down to their level. That is the stupid way of looking at this game. Our players are young, and somewhat inexperienced when it comes to SEC road atmospheres, but this isn’t exactly like playing at Bryant-Denny at night (saw how that went last year). This is like playing the West Canaan Coyotes at night. If that were the case, I would see us absolutely hammering Jonny ‘Mox’ Moxon into the ground every chance we’d get. Lance Harbor would be happy he was pussin’ it up on the sidelines after he saw how mangled Mox’s face looked after the first half. As much of a free mind that Julie Harbor (Mox’s GF) has, it wouldn’t be enough for her to overlook how deformed Jonny looked after the game. Yea, its so bad, that Charlie Tweeder would have to start taking snaps. Even though he would fight Coach Kilmer’s demands to play hurt and not drug girls to fool around with them, Tweeder is just gonna go on being Tweeder. That’s gonna land him in jail someday. But back to reality, UF’s run defense is going to absolutely embarrass UK this weekend. Shutting down the run is going to be the key for UF’s defensive backs to regaining some of their confidence in the interception department. If they can hold on, look for the Gators secondary to more than double their INT total for the year, maintaining a stranglehold on defense and on this series. UF is favored by 19.5, that is tempting…
FLORIDA 34
Catzz 10
EGM
Gators 38
KY 7
ML
Gators 31
Kats 7
BHGB
Gators 35
Pussies 10
Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-16)
CB
Now this is tricky. Vanderbilt is off to its best start since winning its first 5 games in 2008, and South Carolina has absolutely looked beatable. Of course, when does USC(e) ever NOT look beatable? Even last year it wasn’t like they dominated EVERY conference opponent they faced. Hell, they lost 4 total SEC games! (it was a down year for the SEC East). Put is this way, last season, UK beat the Cocks by 3 at home but even a blind squirrel finds a nut. That win was sammiched in between FIVE losses for Kentucky. What it means is that if there’s one axiom in this division its that these teams have gone from knowing their place in the universe to being about as inconsistent as the pre-Mussolini railway system. I really doubt that Vandy “is back” or anything that absurd. If they had a gimmick like Navy has the option, I would like them to cover the 16, but just stock average offensive performances so far against over matched (or underprepared) teams doesn’t make me quiver in my boots. But screw it…go ‘Dores, lose by less than 16!
Nerds 17
Cocks 30
EGM
Dores 17
Cocks 24
ML
Vandy 17
SC 30
BHGB
Game mens-genitals 21
Dorkasaurus Rexs 17
Florida Atlantic at Auburn (OFF)
EGM
And the streak is over for the Plainsmen. I thought they had enough offense to overcome their dreadful defense but they proved me wrong last week. Good thing for them that FAU plays neither offense nor defense. The rest of Auburn’s schedule is brutal so they better enjoy themselves during this game.
Owls 10
Eagles 41
ML
Auburn 45
FAU 10
BHGB
Tigers / war eagles / plainsmen / assholes 57.5
In need of $ 2
CB
FAU 2
Aubarn 66
Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State (-20)
BHGB
Welcome to Starkville, some place that has even more alcoholic laws then Oxford. I feel so bad for my new friends from Mississippi that like high octane beer, but some changes appear to be up and coming. But once again this is a game that will not represent a good example of SEC defensive football. Look for Danny Boy Mullen to show up with an offensive game plan that will show us something we have seen before and will certainly see again. I have great inside information on this one that the main stream media doesn’t have or know. If you can still get money on this one put at least 50% of your net worth on the Bulldogs to win this one. AS EGM says, this is Thor’s hammer lock. If you don’t win I will cover your losses.
Abita - Abita Springs, LA - Abbey Ale (8%) - a nice Dubbel that is rich amber color with a smooth hint of hops with a creamy finish
Laughing Dog Brewery - Ponderay, ID - Dozilla Black IPA (6.9%) - smooth IPA with a strong dark malt accent with a very little taste of hops until the end
Bulldogs by Dan Mullen - 42
Bulldogs by not Dan Mullen - 21
CB
La-Tek 6
Miss Stizzle 36
EGM
Techsters 10
Miss State 38
ML
MSU 40
La Tech 10
8:00pm
LSU at West Virginia (+5.5)
ML
I give kudos to the Mad Hatter and the Bayou Bengals for actually going on the road into a hostile environment for a non-conference game. The Couch Burners are enjoying their first year under new coach and offensive guru Dana Holgorsen. For an in-depth/nerdy look at what these two teams like to do, check out this article on Grantland.com. I cannot approach that type of analysis, so I’ll rip on each team’s fan base. I know WVU fans are exceptionally cocky for a team that has never won anything and plays in a second-class conference. I know LSU’s fans are scary. This clash of culture, especially with an 8pm kickoff, may lead to more fights per capita than any other matchup. No one will be able to understand what the other is saying, so everyone will assume (correctly) that every utterance is an insult. If we are lucky, the only conflagration will involve a few chaise lounges from IKEA.
LSU 27
WVU 13
BHGB
BAYOU rednecks 27
Mountain rednecks 24
CB
Geaux Tigres 27
Burn That Couch 20
EGM
Bayou Bengals 24
Mountaineers 17
Tennessee is off this week. Great way to go into a bye week: getting your stuff handed to you by your hated rival who is always much, much better than you and has won more lately.
Is it game week? I mean seriously, I haven’t heard one peep about the game. Albeit I have had other things on my mind, but it just doesn’t feel like a game week. This all could be solved if we were joining a good group of Gators who are actually making the trek to Lexington this weekend, but alas we are not. However, when those folks get there, they are in for a treat. Lexington is an awesome city located in a beautiful part of the Bluegrass State. Great folks, great nightlife and Commonwealth Stadium is a very nice SEC venue to check off your list. All that being said, like most Gators, all I think about when this game comes up is all the cheering that went on when Tebow went down back in 09. It wasn’t just the yokels at the game either. I think for about 15 minutes, Facebook got more action than a UK sorority girl at a bourbon drinking contest. Well we got through that, and we’re back for more. Wow, I am about as thrilled with this opening as I am about adding A&M and Mizzou to the SEC. Could we pick teams that were less “meh”? I doubt it. I actually wish we were getting FSU instead of either one of these teams. But we all know that the Florida State is a basketball school, so that will never happen. UGH, I hope the Gators are more psyched than I am this week…Anyways, as you could notice on your own, we are graced with the presence of our first Guest Bourbon Boy in a few years, the Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger will fill you all with his fresh POVs and hot knowledge! And as always, don’t be afraid to follow me on twitter, I guarantee a followback! www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
El Gran Mono
I’m sure all of readers can feel it…the world is back in proper alignment and yours truly has a two game lead in the picks. The SEC, on the other hand, will soon be out of alignment as teams start/continue to fall short of their expectations. Last week, Auburn followed Georgia along the path to the Liberty Bowl. Could South Carolina be next?
As for the most exciting game of the week, that honor falls on LSU-WVa. Has there ever been a bigger collection of BALs over 0.20 in the history of the world (excluding Tuesday nights in random Russian cities)? If Les Miles showed up in full battle armor I would not be surprised at all.
Brew of the week: Victory Pilsner (full flavored but still light)
Malt Licker
Did you hear that thud Saturday night? That was the sound of my handicapping skills crashing to earth. Maybe you shouldn’t just blindly follow your leaders. It’s something to think about. We learned a little bit more about our Gators. We know that Rainey and Demps need help or they will not make it through September. We know that we have no faith in the vertical passing game (Sound familiar). We know that our linebackers are really fast, but have terrible hands, and we learned that our young secondary can stay close to receivers, but sometimes a little too close. Fortunately, as the Zooker says, the defensive stuff is correctable. Unfortunately, Johnny B’s quarterbacking is not. It should not matter this week. Our Gators head to Lexington to take on a reeling Wildcats squad. A good chunk of the Bourbon Boys subscribers will be in attendance. Have a sip, or ten, of Four Roses for me!
Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger
Well here we are once again with a guest appearance by yours truly the Ben Hill Griffin Bootlegger. I will apparently be covering the state of Mississippi for this week of college football for the Bourbon Boys. First of all would like to start by thanking CB, EGM, and ML for allowing the honor in participating in this week’s Bourbon Boys. Last week we saw that “being back” did not really apply to the Noles and I cannot help but hope it has something to do with the grotesque suck-fest that Gameday had on about Crapallahassee.
The Gators domination of the Tennessee Volunteers continues for the 7th year in a row. This is especially nice considering that Mrs. BHGB’s entire family graduated from Knoxville, so any victory versus the InVols is nice for bragging rights around the up-coming holidays. This week JB3 and the Chris “Time to Die” Rainey take their show on the road to Lexington to take on the Rambunctious Kitties.
As for my picks I have selected a beer for each of the teams and will be picking the team with the better beer to be the winner. So I will be upstaging El Gran Mono’s lame one beer pick and giving you 4. SUCK IT EGM. I was told to mention that I was stuck in traffic heading to Tampa to try and find some of the beers I had selected for this week. I drove over an hour an attempt to find the only beer brewed in Mississippi but fell as short as our good friend, @joemorganfan. I don’t think anyone has ever done this much prep work for Bourbon Boys. And be sure to follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/shartling27
Side note, UFC picks for this weekend Koshcheck over Hughes and the money maker of the weekend Rampage over Jones at +375
12:30pm
Georgia at Ole Miss (+9.5)
BHGB
The so far lackluster Dawg’s come into the city of “no selling cold beer” to face the R#bels, I am not sure if I can use the R word in a public forum. Mark Richt stays his execution with a win last week over the powerhouse known as Coastal Carolina and look for the Dawgs to continue by rolling over the Rebel$. This should and will be a high scoring game with very little to no defense being played on this day in the entire state of Mississippi.
My pick could have easy been swayed to the side of the Reb’s if Mrs. Cuzzin Bailey’s dad would have let us fire that cannon when we were in Oxford. It’s not like El Gran Mono and I have had any problems with explosives before, have we?
Terrapin Beer Company - Athens, GA - Hopsectioner - (7.3%) - golden crisp IPA that has the best label ever
Lazy Magnolia - Kiln, MS - Southern Pecan Nut Brown Ale - really smooth brown ale with a nutty taste with little after taste ....awesome
Pups - 35
Rebels - 21
CB
UGA 24
Ole Miss 17
EGM
UGA 41
Black Bears 9
ML
Jawja 30
Ole Piss 10
3:30pm
Arkansas at Alabama (-11.5)
EGM
This is certainly the best “all SEC” game of the week. Arkansas continues to be an offensive juggernaut despite the loss of their line sniffing, right-arm life support system (otherwise known as Ryan Mallet). However, Arkansas hasn’t played a team 1/10th as good as Bama. The Tide have not struggled but they certainly haven’t showed much offensive prowess. It’s really hard to tell how this game is going to break since either team has yet to be tested. When in doubt, I will go with Nick Saban and his minions (but not by 11.5).
Hogs 20
Bama 21
ML
‘Bama 24
‘kansas 14
BHGB
Tide31
Ark of the Kansas 17
CB
Arky 16
BAMA 33
FSU at Clemson (-2.5)
ML
The Noles are back baby!!! Back out of the top 10! At the risk of saying something positive, I was mildly impressed with their defense. They really had Bowden Field at Taxpayer-Subsidized Stadium rocking and rolling. The Nole$ are more banged up than the sisters of ∆∆∆, and may only have 4 scholarship WRs available. The big question mark is EJ Manuel, who impersonated Colt McCoy and Jay Cutler to sit out most of the second half against OU. Last week Clemzin rallied from a 14 point deficit to end Auburn’s winning streak and position themselves in the top 25. I expect this game to be nip and tuck, and it may depend on the skills of F$U’s latest, greatest, douchebag PK.
Clemzin 24
Criminoles 23
BHGB
Back at it 28
We love a rock 24
CB
Semino le is Creek for Runaway 23
More Tigers 24
EGM
Noles 24
Tigers 21
7:00pm
Florida at Kentucky (+19.5)
CB
Look, there are two ways of looking at this game. One way is that the Gators are unproven, we “barely” beat UT (by 10) at home and now without the hype this week, our young team will fall victim to the oldest trick in the book, underestimating your opponent and playing down to their level. That is the stupid way of looking at this game. Our players are young, and somewhat inexperienced when it comes to SEC road atmospheres, but this isn’t exactly like playing at Bryant-Denny at night (saw how that went last year). This is like playing the West Canaan Coyotes at night. If that were the case, I would see us absolutely hammering Jonny ‘Mox’ Moxon into the ground every chance we’d get. Lance Harbor would be happy he was pussin’ it up on the sidelines after he saw how mangled Mox’s face looked after the first half. As much of a free mind that Julie Harbor (Mox’s GF) has, it wouldn’t be enough for her to overlook how deformed Jonny looked after the game. Yea, its so bad, that Charlie Tweeder would have to start taking snaps. Even though he would fight Coach Kilmer’s demands to play hurt and not drug girls to fool around with them, Tweeder is just gonna go on being Tweeder. That’s gonna land him in jail someday. But back to reality, UF’s run defense is going to absolutely embarrass UK this weekend. Shutting down the run is going to be the key for UF’s defensive backs to regaining some of their confidence in the interception department. If they can hold on, look for the Gators secondary to more than double their INT total for the year, maintaining a stranglehold on defense and on this series. UF is favored by 19.5, that is tempting…
FLORIDA 34
Catzz 10
EGM
Gators 38
KY 7
ML
Gators 31
Kats 7
BHGB
Gators 35
Pussies 10
Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-16)
CB
Now this is tricky. Vanderbilt is off to its best start since winning its first 5 games in 2008, and South Carolina has absolutely looked beatable. Of course, when does USC(e) ever NOT look beatable? Even last year it wasn’t like they dominated EVERY conference opponent they faced. Hell, they lost 4 total SEC games! (it was a down year for the SEC East). Put is this way, last season, UK beat the Cocks by 3 at home but even a blind squirrel finds a nut. That win was sammiched in between FIVE losses for Kentucky. What it means is that if there’s one axiom in this division its that these teams have gone from knowing their place in the universe to being about as inconsistent as the pre-Mussolini railway system. I really doubt that Vandy “is back” or anything that absurd. If they had a gimmick like Navy has the option, I would like them to cover the 16, but just stock average offensive performances so far against over matched (or underprepared) teams doesn’t make me quiver in my boots. But screw it…go ‘Dores, lose by less than 16!
Nerds 17
Cocks 30
EGM
Dores 17
Cocks 24
ML
Vandy 17
SC 30
BHGB
Game mens-genitals 21
Dorkasaurus Rexs 17
Florida Atlantic at Auburn (OFF)
EGM
And the streak is over for the Plainsmen. I thought they had enough offense to overcome their dreadful defense but they proved me wrong last week. Good thing for them that FAU plays neither offense nor defense. The rest of Auburn’s schedule is brutal so they better enjoy themselves during this game.
Owls 10
Eagles 41
ML
Auburn 45
FAU 10
BHGB
Tigers / war eagles / plainsmen / assholes 57.5
In need of $ 2
CB
FAU 2
Aubarn 66
Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State (-20)
BHGB
Welcome to Starkville, some place that has even more alcoholic laws then Oxford. I feel so bad for my new friends from Mississippi that like high octane beer, but some changes appear to be up and coming. But once again this is a game that will not represent a good example of SEC defensive football. Look for Danny Boy Mullen to show up with an offensive game plan that will show us something we have seen before and will certainly see again. I have great inside information on this one that the main stream media doesn’t have or know. If you can still get money on this one put at least 50% of your net worth on the Bulldogs to win this one. AS EGM says, this is Thor’s hammer lock. If you don’t win I will cover your losses.
Abita - Abita Springs, LA - Abbey Ale (8%) - a nice Dubbel that is rich amber color with a smooth hint of hops with a creamy finish
Laughing Dog Brewery - Ponderay, ID - Dozilla Black IPA (6.9%) - smooth IPA with a strong dark malt accent with a very little taste of hops until the end
Bulldogs by Dan Mullen - 42
Bulldogs by not Dan Mullen - 21
CB
La-Tek 6
Miss Stizzle 36
EGM
Techsters 10
Miss State 38
ML
MSU 40
La Tech 10
8:00pm
LSU at West Virginia (+5.5)
ML
I give kudos to the Mad Hatter and the Bayou Bengals for actually going on the road into a hostile environment for a non-conference game. The Couch Burners are enjoying their first year under new coach and offensive guru Dana Holgorsen. For an in-depth/nerdy look at what these two teams like to do, check out this article on Grantland.com. I cannot approach that type of analysis, so I’ll rip on each team’s fan base. I know WVU fans are exceptionally cocky for a team that has never won anything and plays in a second-class conference. I know LSU’s fans are scary. This clash of culture, especially with an 8pm kickoff, may lead to more fights per capita than any other matchup. No one will be able to understand what the other is saying, so everyone will assume (correctly) that every utterance is an insult. If we are lucky, the only conflagration will involve a few chaise lounges from IKEA.
LSU 27
WVU 13
BHGB
BAYOU rednecks 27
Mountain rednecks 24
CB
Geaux Tigres 27
Burn That Couch 20
EGM
Bayou Bengals 24
Mountaineers 17
Tennessee is off this week. Great way to go into a bye week: getting your stuff handed to you by your hated rival who is always much, much better than you and has won more lately.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week III - part 2
El Gran Mono
HATE WEEK! Big games all around. Given my 7-1 record ATS last week, I’m rolling into the situation red hot. The Noles and Vols also claim to be hitting this week at their peak, but I doubt it. The Noles have been barking all week about how one year makes a difference and last year’s game was the result of being “unprepared.” However, the “lack of preparation” excuse seems to be at odds with the media’s obsession with Jimbo Fisher. The guy has lost a ton of games the last few years and we are suddenly supposed to believe they are new dynasty. I’m not buying it. Sure, Bobby Stoops hasn’t exactly been the best big game coach, but Ryan Broyles and Landry Jones are still on his team and they both torched the same FSU players last year. I’d say another Sooner blowout is all but a foregone conclusion.
Now for the games that really matter…
(Brew of the week: Two hearted ale. Truly a one of a kind taste. )
Malt Licker
12-2 against the spread thus far! Actually, make that 13-2. LSU just covered. If you have not been using my picks to make illegal wagers, I consider it an insult, nay an attack, and plan to commission my allies to start collecting names. Additionally, anyone who deigns to question or ignore my picks will be recorded on my new website www.slapinmaltlickersface.com. Bet on my picks! Don’t even think about it! Just bet! In fact, you should bet now even though you have not had the chance to read my picks. Just bet on them! Trust me! Also, I just heard about a great investment in mud energy, manufactured from the sediment that flows down the Mississippi River. It’s totally green and totally awesome. I promise you, no snail darters will be harmed. Invest in it!!!! Trust me!
Even though you all have had time to make your wagers, some of you wish to put partisan politics ahead of what’s good for your wallet and actually expect an explanation for the basis of my picks. Since, I am a Uniter, I will attempt to placate the rubes. There are three big games in the Sunshine State this week, the Parole Bowl, OU/FSU, and of course our Gators against the hated Vols. It should be an action packed Saturday. Don’t forget to follow me on twitter @joequizza
Cuzzin Bailey
As we sit here, I think its an appropriate time for us to reflect to our favorite UF/UT memories. Reflecting: Remember in 2000 when Jabar Gaffney “caught” that ball and we beat UT? Remember 4 years later when the ref forgot to start the clock and the Vuls had just enough time to kick a game winning FG? That was a total joke. How about happier moments…the 2006 Tebow 4th down run that saved our season; 2007 When we “blue” out UT; 2010 when I was keeping up with the game during a wedding ceremony! Anyways, Tennessee and the terrorists teamed up for a Gators loss in 2001 and that remains as the worst one I had to sit through b/c it was my last home game as a student. Weak sauce. Okay gotta end this on a happier note: picture it, 1995, Tennessee took the lead 30-14 into the locker-room and it poured at halftime after which Danny Wuerffel and the rest of the team proved that Gators really are amphibious. We scored 48 straight points in the rain to take and maintain the lead. It was also the game that I thought we had all witnessed someone die. Joey Kent was crushed by Lawrence Wright and fumbled on the play. It was so wonderful. I’m sure this kind of stream of consciousness ranting is exactly what some of you are looking for, and for more follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
Thursday, September 15, 2011
LSU at Mississippi State (+3.5)
CB
As this is only game in town, so to speak, we will just be posting this item for immediate consumption and repost the rest manana. So I just read on espn that the Bulldogs are leading the SEC in total offense through the first two games. 1) that makes me feel better knowing that Tennessee isn’t the best offense; 2) it shows how good Dan Mullen is, to be able to make a team like Miss St a force to be reckoned with; and 3) I never thought I’d see a MSU team play better offense than it did against the Gators in 2000 when Dicenzo Miller and Dontae Walker ran for probably 700 yards against UF. Look I was in the “LSU is screwed” camp at the beginning of the season with the suspension of Jefferson and that WR, but now its as though the Tigers are the real deal and possibly the most legit NC contender in the SEC. See what I’m doing now? If I compliment them, I am hoping to jinx their Cajun asses. Its called “faux-humility” just a theory that I developed in Auburn (2001 & 2006) after I observed the worst offenders. MSU messed up their season last weekend by running a 2010 Florida red zone gimmick at the end of the game against the faux humilitarians. I’m gonna steal this thought from something I saw on the internet, but to be honest, its not exactly groundbreaking information: if MSU wants to stop being the almost-was team in the West, they’d better get their act together, ring some freaking cowbells and beat LSU tonight!!! Meh, I just don’t see it happening…
Dirty Cajuns 30
Dirty Dawgs 24
EGM
Tigers 24
Dogs 10
ML
Tigers 31
Bulldogs 17
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Auburn at Clemson (-3.5)
ML
It’s the Mirror Image Bowl!!! I’ve heard that the Plainzmen and Clemzon patterned their campuses after each other, and Clemson is known as “Auburn with a Lake.” Both of them are named the Tigers. Both are public land-grant institutions. Both are named after the town in which they are located. Both cheat. Speaking of cheating, Auburn needed a Cam Newton-led comeback to erase a 17 point deficit in this matchup last year. The War Eagle looks ripe for a let down on the road after eking out close victories in their first two games. They’ve had trouble stopping the run, which appears to be Clemson’s strength on offense. However, mighty Wofford took Clemson to the brink last week, so it is highly possible they suck. This seems like a tight match-up, so I am going with the points, the SEC, and against a coach named Dabo.
War Eagle 30
Clemzzzon 21
CB
War Dumb Eagle 27
Clemzin Tigres 28
EGM
Plainsmen 31
Clemzon 30
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt (+1.5)
EGM
This game likely displays the two worst teams the SEC. Currently, the only thing worse than the shitty hair and dingy baseball caps of Reb mongoloids is the play of their football team. As an excuse for the bad play, Houston Nutt has claimed that he is recreating William Faulkner’s syntax in the form of a football team. Without a doubt, Vandy appreciates this blend of academia and athletics. However, that won’t stop them from handing Ole Miss the first of their eight SEC losses.
Rebs 6
Dores 13
ML
Ole Piss 24
Vanderdork 21
CB
Ole Miss 21
Nerd Alert 19
Coastal Carolina at Georgia (OFF)
CB
Look, everyone knows what a great guy Mark Richt is supposed to be, but how does one throw away such a great opportunities and still remain as head coach. I mean I get they don’t have the arrest record that UF has, but they also don’t have the championships or the Cocktail Party wins. Coastal Carolina is 2-0 and UGA is 0-2, and after this weekend those zeros will be replaced by ones. But that’s not why we’re here. Maybe its unfair to place all the blame on Richt, perhaps the moron in charge of scheduling should take some of the blame. Who on earth doesn’t believe that a team from the SEC with a decent preseason ranking can’t ascend to the pinnacle of college football without being as foolhardy as this and just play your normal schedule? Why add teams like Oklahoma State and Boise State to start your season off on the wrong foot? No one doubted UF when we played our stock schedule (with the addition of a down UM school) in ’08 and road it all the way to the BCS championship. Anyways, if UGA has yet another disappointing season, I think Mr. Nice Guy is on his way out.
CC 6
UGA 56
EGM
Chanticleers 3
UGA 61
ML
Roosters Actin’ like Dawgs 10
Georgia Dawgs 50
Tennessee at Florida (-9.5)
EGM
Both of these teams have rolled up two creampuffs and are now ready for the main course. This year, the Gators are featuring a pro style attack with Rainey and Demps as the centerpieces. Unfortunately for Gator fans, the man getting the ball to Rainey and Demps is still John Brantley. Things have been vanilla the first few weeks but JBIII still looks hesitant about every throw. Someone needs to tell this kid to grow a pair.
The Vols are quite the opposite. Their QB Tyler Bray has been ripping off 300 yard games ever since becoming the starter last year. Also, the Vols young WRs can make plays against anyone.
Easy Vol win? I think not. The Gator defense is loaded in the front seven and will pressure Bray throughout the day. The young Vol line will not be able stop the front four which will allow the young Gator secondary to mix up their coverages and not expose their young CBs. Also, much like last year, Johnny B should give the Gators enough on offense to win the game.
On a side note, my dog thinks Smokey is a pussy for wearing that gay orange faux blanket.
Vols 24
Gators 31
ML
Hate the Vols 20
Love the Gators, but don’t trust Brantley 24
CB
Tennessleezy 17
FLORIDA 24
Navy at South Carolina (-17)
CB
Normally I would, and possibly still will, err on the side of SEC speed, but there is something to be said for this Navy triple option. Personally I like my favorite team to run a pro-style offense, or the spread in certain circumstances, but when it comes to strictly entertainment purposes only, the triple option is quite enjoyable to watch. But how long before Navy must resort to passing too much and go completely away from their gameplan? Eh, call it the mid-day beer in me or whatever, but I’m gonna go out on a crazy limb today and call for the Midshipmen to cover this rather large spread. The Cocks will probably win, but I like Navy to put some points on the board and keep it marginally close…
Navy 25
Cocks 35
EGM
Middies 20
Cocks 34
ML
Midshipman 20
Gamecocks 31
Louisville at Kentucky (-6)
ML
It’s the battle for the Governer’s Cup!!! Chuck Strong v. the Joker!!! Shitty offense vs. Shittier defense! The Wildcats have eked out two victories against shite opponents, while the Cards dropped one to the mighty Panthers of FIU. This game will set football back 150 years, or, if you watch these teams regularly, look like nothing new.
Crappy Cards 17
Crappy Cats 25
CB
Louah-vuhl 20
Coach/Team Joke 23
EGM
Cards 10
Cats 20
North Texas at Alabama (-46)
EGM
If the entire Bama team catches a case of the “Mean Green” they might only be favored by three touchdowns.
Tejas Norte 0
Bamer 38
ML
Norte Tejas 3
‘Bama 50
CB
‘Dillos 3
Bama 55
Troy at Arkansas (-23)
ML
When thinking about picking against the spread, especially when it involves high double digits, always think of the coach for the big favorite. If he seems like a nice guy, it is probably best to take the points. However, if he seems like a colossal prick devoid of a soul, lay the points and go with the favorite. Especially if the soulless prick is an offensive guru. According to Petrino, Tyler Wilson was suffering “concussion-like symptoms” in last week’s game. Even with a punch drunk QB, the Hawgs ran up 373 passing yards last week, and their backup lit it up for more than 100r. They easily covered and will look to do the same at home against the Trojans, who were whipped at Clemson in week 1. If Clemson can beat the Trojans by 24, I have no doubt the Razorbacks will.
Trojans 13
Hawgs 48
CB
Troysians 6
Arky 40
EGM
Trojans 13
Arky 30
HATE WEEK! Big games all around. Given my 7-1 record ATS last week, I’m rolling into the situation red hot. The Noles and Vols also claim to be hitting this week at their peak, but I doubt it. The Noles have been barking all week about how one year makes a difference and last year’s game was the result of being “unprepared.” However, the “lack of preparation” excuse seems to be at odds with the media’s obsession with Jimbo Fisher. The guy has lost a ton of games the last few years and we are suddenly supposed to believe they are new dynasty. I’m not buying it. Sure, Bobby Stoops hasn’t exactly been the best big game coach, but Ryan Broyles and Landry Jones are still on his team and they both torched the same FSU players last year. I’d say another Sooner blowout is all but a foregone conclusion.
Now for the games that really matter…
(Brew of the week: Two hearted ale. Truly a one of a kind taste. )
Malt Licker
12-2 against the spread thus far! Actually, make that 13-2. LSU just covered. If you have not been using my picks to make illegal wagers, I consider it an insult, nay an attack, and plan to commission my allies to start collecting names. Additionally, anyone who deigns to question or ignore my picks will be recorded on my new website www.slapinmaltlickersface.com. Bet on my picks! Don’t even think about it! Just bet! In fact, you should bet now even though you have not had the chance to read my picks. Just bet on them! Trust me! Also, I just heard about a great investment in mud energy, manufactured from the sediment that flows down the Mississippi River. It’s totally green and totally awesome. I promise you, no snail darters will be harmed. Invest in it!!!! Trust me!
Even though you all have had time to make your wagers, some of you wish to put partisan politics ahead of what’s good for your wallet and actually expect an explanation for the basis of my picks. Since, I am a Uniter, I will attempt to placate the rubes. There are three big games in the Sunshine State this week, the Parole Bowl, OU/FSU, and of course our Gators against the hated Vols. It should be an action packed Saturday. Don’t forget to follow me on twitter @joequizza
Cuzzin Bailey
As we sit here, I think its an appropriate time for us to reflect to our favorite UF/UT memories. Reflecting: Remember in 2000 when Jabar Gaffney “caught” that ball and we beat UT? Remember 4 years later when the ref forgot to start the clock and the Vuls had just enough time to kick a game winning FG? That was a total joke. How about happier moments…the 2006 Tebow 4th down run that saved our season; 2007 When we “blue” out UT; 2010 when I was keeping up with the game during a wedding ceremony! Anyways, Tennessee and the terrorists teamed up for a Gators loss in 2001 and that remains as the worst one I had to sit through b/c it was my last home game as a student. Weak sauce. Okay gotta end this on a happier note: picture it, 1995, Tennessee took the lead 30-14 into the locker-room and it poured at halftime after which Danny Wuerffel and the rest of the team proved that Gators really are amphibious. We scored 48 straight points in the rain to take and maintain the lead. It was also the game that I thought we had all witnessed someone die. Joey Kent was crushed by Lawrence Wright and fumbled on the play. It was so wonderful. I’m sure this kind of stream of consciousness ranting is exactly what some of you are looking for, and for more follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
Thursday, September 15, 2011
LSU at Mississippi State (+3.5)
CB
As this is only game in town, so to speak, we will just be posting this item for immediate consumption and repost the rest manana. So I just read on espn that the Bulldogs are leading the SEC in total offense through the first two games. 1) that makes me feel better knowing that Tennessee isn’t the best offense; 2) it shows how good Dan Mullen is, to be able to make a team like Miss St a force to be reckoned with; and 3) I never thought I’d see a MSU team play better offense than it did against the Gators in 2000 when Dicenzo Miller and Dontae Walker ran for probably 700 yards against UF. Look I was in the “LSU is screwed” camp at the beginning of the season with the suspension of Jefferson and that WR, but now its as though the Tigers are the real deal and possibly the most legit NC contender in the SEC. See what I’m doing now? If I compliment them, I am hoping to jinx their Cajun asses. Its called “faux-humility” just a theory that I developed in Auburn (2001 & 2006) after I observed the worst offenders. MSU messed up their season last weekend by running a 2010 Florida red zone gimmick at the end of the game against the faux humilitarians. I’m gonna steal this thought from something I saw on the internet, but to be honest, its not exactly groundbreaking information: if MSU wants to stop being the almost-was team in the West, they’d better get their act together, ring some freaking cowbells and beat LSU tonight!!! Meh, I just don’t see it happening…
Dirty Cajuns 30
Dirty Dawgs 24
EGM
Tigers 24
Dogs 10
ML
Tigers 31
Bulldogs 17
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Auburn at Clemson (-3.5)
ML
It’s the Mirror Image Bowl!!! I’ve heard that the Plainzmen and Clemzon patterned their campuses after each other, and Clemson is known as “Auburn with a Lake.” Both of them are named the Tigers. Both are public land-grant institutions. Both are named after the town in which they are located. Both cheat. Speaking of cheating, Auburn needed a Cam Newton-led comeback to erase a 17 point deficit in this matchup last year. The War Eagle looks ripe for a let down on the road after eking out close victories in their first two games. They’ve had trouble stopping the run, which appears to be Clemson’s strength on offense. However, mighty Wofford took Clemson to the brink last week, so it is highly possible they suck. This seems like a tight match-up, so I am going with the points, the SEC, and against a coach named Dabo.
War Eagle 30
Clemzzzon 21
CB
War Dumb Eagle 27
Clemzin Tigres 28
EGM
Plainsmen 31
Clemzon 30
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt (+1.5)
EGM
This game likely displays the two worst teams the SEC. Currently, the only thing worse than the shitty hair and dingy baseball caps of Reb mongoloids is the play of their football team. As an excuse for the bad play, Houston Nutt has claimed that he is recreating William Faulkner’s syntax in the form of a football team. Without a doubt, Vandy appreciates this blend of academia and athletics. However, that won’t stop them from handing Ole Miss the first of their eight SEC losses.
Rebs 6
Dores 13
ML
Ole Piss 24
Vanderdork 21
CB
Ole Miss 21
Nerd Alert 19
Coastal Carolina at Georgia (OFF)
CB
Look, everyone knows what a great guy Mark Richt is supposed to be, but how does one throw away such a great opportunities and still remain as head coach. I mean I get they don’t have the arrest record that UF has, but they also don’t have the championships or the Cocktail Party wins. Coastal Carolina is 2-0 and UGA is 0-2, and after this weekend those zeros will be replaced by ones. But that’s not why we’re here. Maybe its unfair to place all the blame on Richt, perhaps the moron in charge of scheduling should take some of the blame. Who on earth doesn’t believe that a team from the SEC with a decent preseason ranking can’t ascend to the pinnacle of college football without being as foolhardy as this and just play your normal schedule? Why add teams like Oklahoma State and Boise State to start your season off on the wrong foot? No one doubted UF when we played our stock schedule (with the addition of a down UM school) in ’08 and road it all the way to the BCS championship. Anyways, if UGA has yet another disappointing season, I think Mr. Nice Guy is on his way out.
CC 6
UGA 56
EGM
Chanticleers 3
UGA 61
ML
Roosters Actin’ like Dawgs 10
Georgia Dawgs 50
Tennessee at Florida (-9.5)
EGM
Both of these teams have rolled up two creampuffs and are now ready for the main course. This year, the Gators are featuring a pro style attack with Rainey and Demps as the centerpieces. Unfortunately for Gator fans, the man getting the ball to Rainey and Demps is still John Brantley. Things have been vanilla the first few weeks but JBIII still looks hesitant about every throw. Someone needs to tell this kid to grow a pair.
The Vols are quite the opposite. Their QB Tyler Bray has been ripping off 300 yard games ever since becoming the starter last year. Also, the Vols young WRs can make plays against anyone.
Easy Vol win? I think not. The Gator defense is loaded in the front seven and will pressure Bray throughout the day. The young Vol line will not be able stop the front four which will allow the young Gator secondary to mix up their coverages and not expose their young CBs. Also, much like last year, Johnny B should give the Gators enough on offense to win the game.
On a side note, my dog thinks Smokey is a pussy for wearing that gay orange faux blanket.
Vols 24
Gators 31
ML
Hate the Vols 20
Love the Gators, but don’t trust Brantley 24
CB
Tennessleezy 17
FLORIDA 24
Navy at South Carolina (-17)
CB
Normally I would, and possibly still will, err on the side of SEC speed, but there is something to be said for this Navy triple option. Personally I like my favorite team to run a pro-style offense, or the spread in certain circumstances, but when it comes to strictly entertainment purposes only, the triple option is quite enjoyable to watch. But how long before Navy must resort to passing too much and go completely away from their gameplan? Eh, call it the mid-day beer in me or whatever, but I’m gonna go out on a crazy limb today and call for the Midshipmen to cover this rather large spread. The Cocks will probably win, but I like Navy to put some points on the board and keep it marginally close…
Navy 25
Cocks 35
EGM
Middies 20
Cocks 34
ML
Midshipman 20
Gamecocks 31
Louisville at Kentucky (-6)
ML
It’s the battle for the Governer’s Cup!!! Chuck Strong v. the Joker!!! Shitty offense vs. Shittier defense! The Wildcats have eked out two victories against shite opponents, while the Cards dropped one to the mighty Panthers of FIU. This game will set football back 150 years, or, if you watch these teams regularly, look like nothing new.
Crappy Cards 17
Crappy Cats 25
CB
Louah-vuhl 20
Coach/Team Joke 23
EGM
Cards 10
Cats 20
North Texas at Alabama (-46)
EGM
If the entire Bama team catches a case of the “Mean Green” they might only be favored by three touchdowns.
Tejas Norte 0
Bamer 38
ML
Norte Tejas 3
‘Bama 50
CB
‘Dillos 3
Bama 55
Troy at Arkansas (-23)
ML
When thinking about picking against the spread, especially when it involves high double digits, always think of the coach for the big favorite. If he seems like a nice guy, it is probably best to take the points. However, if he seems like a colossal prick devoid of a soul, lay the points and go with the favorite. Especially if the soulless prick is an offensive guru. According to Petrino, Tyler Wilson was suffering “concussion-like symptoms” in last week’s game. Even with a punch drunk QB, the Hawgs ran up 373 passing yards last week, and their backup lit it up for more than 100r. They easily covered and will look to do the same at home against the Trojans, who were whipped at Clemson in week 1. If Clemson can beat the Trojans by 24, I have no doubt the Razorbacks will.
Trojans 13
Hawgs 48
CB
Troysians 6
Arky 40
EGM
Trojans 13
Arky 30
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week III
Thursday, September 15, 2011
LSU at Mississippi State +3.5
CB
As this is only game in town, so to speak, we will just be posting this item for immediate consumption and repost the rest manana. So I just read on espn that the Bulldogs are leading the SEC in total offense through the first two games. 1) that makes me feel better knowing that Tennessee isn’t the best offense; 2) it shows how good Dan Mullen is, to be able to make a team like Miss St a force to be reckoned with; and 3) I never thought I’d see a MSU team play better offense than it did against the Gators in 2000 when Dicenzo Miller and Dontae Walker ran for probably 700 yards against UF. Look I was in the “LSU is screwed” camp at the beginning of the season with the suspension of Jefferson and that WR, but now its as though the Tigers are the real deal and possibly the most legit NC contender in the SEC. See what I’m doing now? If I compliment them, I am hoping to jinx their Cajun asses. Its called “faux-humility” just a theory that I developed in Auburn (2001 & 2006) after I observed the worst offenders. MSU messed up their season last weekend by running a 2010 Florida red zone scenario at the end of the game against the faux humilitarians. I’m gonna steal this thought from something I saw on the internet, but to be honest, its not exactly groundbreaking information: if MSU wants to stop being the almost-was team in the West, they’d better get their act together, ring some freaking cowbells and beat LSU tonight!!! Meh, I just don’t see it happening…
Dirty Cajuns 30
Dirty Dawgs 24
EGM
Tigers 24
Dogs 10
ML
Tigers 31
Bulldogs 17
LSU at Mississippi State +3.5
CB
As this is only game in town, so to speak, we will just be posting this item for immediate consumption and repost the rest manana. So I just read on espn that the Bulldogs are leading the SEC in total offense through the first two games. 1) that makes me feel better knowing that Tennessee isn’t the best offense; 2) it shows how good Dan Mullen is, to be able to make a team like Miss St a force to be reckoned with; and 3) I never thought I’d see a MSU team play better offense than it did against the Gators in 2000 when Dicenzo Miller and Dontae Walker ran for probably 700 yards against UF. Look I was in the “LSU is screwed” camp at the beginning of the season with the suspension of Jefferson and that WR, but now its as though the Tigers are the real deal and possibly the most legit NC contender in the SEC. See what I’m doing now? If I compliment them, I am hoping to jinx their Cajun asses. Its called “faux-humility” just a theory that I developed in Auburn (2001 & 2006) after I observed the worst offenders. MSU messed up their season last weekend by running a 2010 Florida red zone scenario at the end of the game against the faux humilitarians. I’m gonna steal this thought from something I saw on the internet, but to be honest, its not exactly groundbreaking information: if MSU wants to stop being the almost-was team in the West, they’d better get their act together, ring some freaking cowbells and beat LSU tonight!!! Meh, I just don’t see it happening…
Dirty Cajuns 30
Dirty Dawgs 24
EGM
Tigers 24
Dogs 10
ML
Tigers 31
Bulldogs 17
Friday, September 09, 2011
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week II
Cuzzin Bailey
While I stare at my soon to be former and soon to be empty apartment in Jacksonville, I ponder a few memories. The 3 Florida/Georgia games (all UF wins!) I was able to attend and the great folks (including my now wife!) I could host those weekends, the awesome friends I made while in school, and total 180 the Florida football program has done in the past 3 years. I’ll be honest, I was pretty nervous before last week’s game because I had absolutely no idea how JBIII was going to react. I know it was a “warm-up” game, but how did last year’s go, huh? Not so well. That wasn’t all his fault, but it didn’t exactly set the stage for a team from which to expect great things. Last week, even thought I was 90% hammered from an all day drinking fest, I could sense the confidence in Brantley’s play. Even the interception(s) didn’t get him noticeable rattled. What more can you ask for when your team is pounding a weaker opponent. I didn’t take the time to bash Coach Schnellenberger last week as I was preparing for the Greek Orthodox version of my wedding, and was definitely side-tracked; but I will mention that he was such an asshole when he coached at Miami, (duh, right?) and any time you can beat his ass it’s a good feeling. This week the Gators take on the Blazers. I’ll be honest, I’m an educated man, but I’m afraid I can’t speak intelligently about a team that means so little. I did hear that our secondary is going to get tested (more so than last week anyways), so that will give us something to watch. Further, I am aware that they play at historic Legion field, which is the home of the 1993 Florida Gators first SEC Championship Game WIN, as well as, according to my mother-in-law, “The Kick” – Van Tiffin’s last second, 52 yard, game winning FG that beat the hated Auburn Tigers. I love sharing great SEC moments with her, just as long as they don’t involve our teams haha! Go Gators! Oh yea, one more thing before my shameless twitter plug, my good friend Green is taking his young son to his first college football game this weekend! Albeit it’s a Wake Forest game, but that still counts…sorta haha! And of course, you are allowed to follow me on twitter, you’ll thank me and then thank Malt Licker for being the motivating factor in my acceleration into the twitterverse: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
Malt Licker
Let me just say that I love Will Muschamp. I cannot think of a better response to the Shariff Floyd/NCAA business than his press release. How amazing will that be for recruiting? If any of our current players were not willing to run through a wall for him before, how about now? Coach BOOM’s debut seemed to go pretty well, and it looks like the defense will be flying around all year. I cannot wait until the preseason is over. You may also follow me on twitter @joequizza. Follow my picks and win big $$$$.
In other news, my home town lost an icon this week, the greatest Buccaneer of all time, and an even better person. If Tampa Bay were granted a seat in a Senate of the Universe, Lee Roy would be the only candidate. RIP #63, we will miss you.
El Gran Mono
It feels so good to be back in the saddle again. Week 1 is under the belt and I feel like I know everything I need to know. Massive conclusions can be drawn from elite schools with elite recruits against borderline D-IA creampuffs. Hyperbole aside, we did learn one thing. Mark Richt is a dead man walking. South Carolina is only the beginning of the long walk down the plank that is the 2011 UGA season.
As for teams with a future, it looks like the mighty Gators are a minor force to be reckoned with. They appear to be putting players in positions where they can succeed and playing young players without them having to spend three years pulling around a boat anchor to "prove themselves."
Last full week of too many creampuffs but at least SEC play is starting.
In honor of Mark Richt, the beer of the week is Rogue Dead Guy Ale. Not too heavy but quite tasty.
Central Michigan @ Kentucky (-11.5)
CB
This is one of those games that you look at and say, “how much did I have to drink when I selected this one?” Well unfortunately the answer is zero. I can’t remember why I thought this would be fun to write about, so I’ll make this quick. The Cats struggled mightily at home against the Hilltoppers of Western Kantuck-ee last weekend. UK’s QB, according to the stats, looks like shit and they totaled less than 200 yards of offense. Pathetic. Central Michigan beat South Carolina State last weekend with another unimpressive performance. Alls I know is that the Gators beat the Chippewas 82-6 in 1997. That was amazing. This game will be the cure for insomnia the scienticians have been looking for for hundreds of years.
Chips 9
Catz 21
ML
Chippewas 10
Where’s Randall Cobb? 20
EGM
CMich 10
KY 24
Miss State @ Auburn (+6.5)
EGM
From afar, these teams appear headed in different directions this season. This feeling is even more pronounced if you use the season openers to draw all of your conclusions.
However, it might be wise to take a step back and analyze a few things. First, the game is being played AT Auburn. Yeah, I understand a number of fans left the game early last week because they thought a loss was a foregone conclusion. But that doesn't change the fact that Jerden-Hare (sic) is a brutal place to play. Second, Miss State's offense is probably of a similar caliber to Utah State if not worse. I've seen Chris Relf steer a ship and I'm not ready for him to see me through Scylla and Charybdis just yet. Third, Auburn is very young and they will only get better throughout the season.
Despite these points, I still doubt that Plainsmen will win the game. But should they be giving 6.5 at home to marginally good team? I think not.
Dawgs 21
Tigers 20
CB
Starkville Sucks 27
The Maples Shout “Oppression!” While the Oaks Just Shake Their Head 24
ML
Snitching Bulldogs 16
Cheating Tigers 17
Alabama at Penn State (+10)
CB
Look, I’m gonna tell you what I told my wife and her mom, I completely respect SEC teams that schedule tough out of conference games early on, but I just don’t think I would want my team to do it. Maybe its cause we play FSU every year and it would be dumb to add another one, but also b/c a loss early coupled with an SEC loss could end your championship hopes very early. That being said, we’re talking about Ala-fucking-Bama and a PSU team that hasn’t been a real contender since the likes of Kerry “Vodka” Collins (believe it or not, he’s Irish). Look, I’m gonna be honest (again), I don’t know jack shit about the Nittany Lions, but I did see on the internets this site http://joepasdoghouse.com/?p=2462 which praised the ever living hell out of the Tide fans and Tuscaloosa and was almost pleading their fans to reciprocate. Well, if you’ve see the way they treat Ohio State fan’s you’ll understand. Either way, I’m calling for an SEC victory, shouldn’t be too hard to come by…
Tide 37
Nittany Lions 17
ML
Tide 31
Lions 10
EGM
Bama 20
Secondhand Lions 0
Cincinnati @ Tennessee (-5)
EGM
And here is Tennessee, much like Alabama, playing a non-creampuff in week two. They should be commended for this good behavior. I'd love to turn this into a rant against the 12th game (and the sudden "need" for 7 home games) but I'll save that for Twitter and the dark recesses of Irish pubs in the DC area.
As for the game, both teams look to be quite talented on the offensive side of the football and quite average defensively. However, average defensively in the Big East is quite different than average defensively in the SEC. You might think that I'm taking a trend to an extreme but I invite you to watch the 2009 Sugar Bowl. Even dumbass Dooley couldn't screw up the massive talent edge and homefield advantage.
Bearcats 20
Vols 35
CB
WKRP 16
Vuls 30
ML
Bearcatz 17
Vowwlz 24
South Carolina @ Georgia (+3)
ML
Game of the Week! There is a lot to talk about in this one. Mark pRicht is fighting for his life and already used up his manufactured intensity by borrowing Grambling’s uniforms against Boise. It really is do-or-die time for the pious one. If UGA can pull off the upset they’ll be in the driver’s seat in the East. I believe I touched on this last week, but it is my opinion that if you do not root against Georgia every week, you are insane. Who cares about Boise not playing a tough schedule? For me, SEC pride goes the way of the dodo when the black and red is on the field. Meanwhile, the drunkard from Jefferson High School saved the day against ECU, helping the Cocks “come from behind” for the high scoring victory. Will the Ol’ Ball Coach keep playing two QBs? It may not matter with Marcus Lattimore going against a depleted UGA linebacking corps.
Cock ‘n Gun 28
Dead Dogs 17
EGM
Cocks 31
UGA 24
CB
Cawks 27
Dawgs 23
Southern Illinois at Ole Miss (OFF)
EGM
Ole Miss did exactly what I expected last week. Run the football and keep the ball away from their atrocious QB situation. Unfortunately for the Rebs, a late fumble prevented their Wing T/Veer attack from notching a victory. Houston Nutt has reacted by taking water from the players during practice and decreasing their tobacco stipends. These tactics can only lead to a more impressive victory over the lowly Salukis.
Silky Dogs 6
Shitty Rebs 38
CB
Saluks 10
Hotty Toddy 30
ML
Salukis 3
Ole Piss 40
UAB @ Florida (-23)
ML
I loved seeing the pro-style attack and a semi-competent Johnny B, but I am worried about our ability to gain 2 yards when we need it in the SEC. I attended the game in person, so I feel like I didn’t get to see it as well as if I were watching it on the tube. No chance this week to watch the Sunshine replay either, so I am excited to sit down in front of a flat screen and analyze our D-Line. The real season starts next week!
Khaleesi’s offspring 3
GATORS 35
EGM
Blazers 3
Gators 49
CB
Blazahs 6
GATORS 44
New Mexico @ Arkansas (-36)
CB
Well, when I first chose this game to be one of my picks, I stupidly thought the Razorbacks were actually going TO New Mexico. I thought they were morons, but somehow I was outsmarted by folks from Arkansas. I feel like an idiot. In regards to the game, the Backs are going to throw all over the Lobos as they are now a one-trick-pony with Knile Davis out for the year. Either QB with any 2 of ArKansas’ stud WRs could destroy New Mexico.
Nice Original State Name 6
Ditto, Dummies 45
ML
UNM 10
Cover City 56
EGM
Lobos 7
Arky 60
UConn @ Vandy (-1.5)
ML
This would be a great women’s hoops game, well as great as watching women’s hoops can be. I imagine it will draw similar attendance. When you think about it, Huskies is a great nickname for a women’s hoops team.
HUSKIES 20
‘Dores 17
EGM
Huskies 21
Vandy 17
CB
UCawhn 23
Vandie 21
Northwestern State @ LSU (OFF)
CB
I just picked this game to offer an apology to the Tigers. I clearly underestimated LSU last week. I thought the loss of their starting quarterback would cause more of a problem. Why didn’t I just believe in the Hat and that hickass moron Jarrett Lee?? Oh well, even if this were regs Northwestern I’d still pick the Bayou Bengals to roll. This is a serious contender ladies and gentlemen.
NWS 3
LSU 50
ML
Demons! 6
Tigers 45
EGM
NSU 0
Tigers 58
While I stare at my soon to be former and soon to be empty apartment in Jacksonville, I ponder a few memories. The 3 Florida/Georgia games (all UF wins!) I was able to attend and the great folks (including my now wife!) I could host those weekends, the awesome friends I made while in school, and total 180 the Florida football program has done in the past 3 years. I’ll be honest, I was pretty nervous before last week’s game because I had absolutely no idea how JBIII was going to react. I know it was a “warm-up” game, but how did last year’s go, huh? Not so well. That wasn’t all his fault, but it didn’t exactly set the stage for a team from which to expect great things. Last week, even thought I was 90% hammered from an all day drinking fest, I could sense the confidence in Brantley’s play. Even the interception(s) didn’t get him noticeable rattled. What more can you ask for when your team is pounding a weaker opponent. I didn’t take the time to bash Coach Schnellenberger last week as I was preparing for the Greek Orthodox version of my wedding, and was definitely side-tracked; but I will mention that he was such an asshole when he coached at Miami, (duh, right?) and any time you can beat his ass it’s a good feeling. This week the Gators take on the Blazers. I’ll be honest, I’m an educated man, but I’m afraid I can’t speak intelligently about a team that means so little. I did hear that our secondary is going to get tested (more so than last week anyways), so that will give us something to watch. Further, I am aware that they play at historic Legion field, which is the home of the 1993 Florida Gators first SEC Championship Game WIN, as well as, according to my mother-in-law, “The Kick” – Van Tiffin’s last second, 52 yard, game winning FG that beat the hated Auburn Tigers. I love sharing great SEC moments with her, just as long as they don’t involve our teams haha! Go Gators! Oh yea, one more thing before my shameless twitter plug, my good friend Green is taking his young son to his first college football game this weekend! Albeit it’s a Wake Forest game, but that still counts…sorta haha! And of course, you are allowed to follow me on twitter, you’ll thank me and then thank Malt Licker for being the motivating factor in my acceleration into the twitterverse: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
Malt Licker
Let me just say that I love Will Muschamp. I cannot think of a better response to the Shariff Floyd/NCAA business than his press release. How amazing will that be for recruiting? If any of our current players were not willing to run through a wall for him before, how about now? Coach BOOM’s debut seemed to go pretty well, and it looks like the defense will be flying around all year. I cannot wait until the preseason is over. You may also follow me on twitter @joequizza. Follow my picks and win big $$$$.
In other news, my home town lost an icon this week, the greatest Buccaneer of all time, and an even better person. If Tampa Bay were granted a seat in a Senate of the Universe, Lee Roy would be the only candidate. RIP #63, we will miss you.
El Gran Mono
It feels so good to be back in the saddle again. Week 1 is under the belt and I feel like I know everything I need to know. Massive conclusions can be drawn from elite schools with elite recruits against borderline D-IA creampuffs. Hyperbole aside, we did learn one thing. Mark Richt is a dead man walking. South Carolina is only the beginning of the long walk down the plank that is the 2011 UGA season.
As for teams with a future, it looks like the mighty Gators are a minor force to be reckoned with. They appear to be putting players in positions where they can succeed and playing young players without them having to spend three years pulling around a boat anchor to "prove themselves."
Last full week of too many creampuffs but at least SEC play is starting.
In honor of Mark Richt, the beer of the week is Rogue Dead Guy Ale. Not too heavy but quite tasty.
Central Michigan @ Kentucky (-11.5)
CB
This is one of those games that you look at and say, “how much did I have to drink when I selected this one?” Well unfortunately the answer is zero. I can’t remember why I thought this would be fun to write about, so I’ll make this quick. The Cats struggled mightily at home against the Hilltoppers of Western Kantuck-ee last weekend. UK’s QB, according to the stats, looks like shit and they totaled less than 200 yards of offense. Pathetic. Central Michigan beat South Carolina State last weekend with another unimpressive performance. Alls I know is that the Gators beat the Chippewas 82-6 in 1997. That was amazing. This game will be the cure for insomnia the scienticians have been looking for for hundreds of years.
Chips 9
Catz 21
ML
Chippewas 10
Where’s Randall Cobb? 20
EGM
CMich 10
KY 24
Miss State @ Auburn (+6.5)
EGM
From afar, these teams appear headed in different directions this season. This feeling is even more pronounced if you use the season openers to draw all of your conclusions.
However, it might be wise to take a step back and analyze a few things. First, the game is being played AT Auburn. Yeah, I understand a number of fans left the game early last week because they thought a loss was a foregone conclusion. But that doesn't change the fact that Jerden-Hare (sic) is a brutal place to play. Second, Miss State's offense is probably of a similar caliber to Utah State if not worse. I've seen Chris Relf steer a ship and I'm not ready for him to see me through Scylla and Charybdis just yet. Third, Auburn is very young and they will only get better throughout the season.
Despite these points, I still doubt that Plainsmen will win the game. But should they be giving 6.5 at home to marginally good team? I think not.
Dawgs 21
Tigers 20
CB
Starkville Sucks 27
The Maples Shout “Oppression!” While the Oaks Just Shake Their Head 24
ML
Snitching Bulldogs 16
Cheating Tigers 17
Alabama at Penn State (+10)
CB
Look, I’m gonna tell you what I told my wife and her mom, I completely respect SEC teams that schedule tough out of conference games early on, but I just don’t think I would want my team to do it. Maybe its cause we play FSU every year and it would be dumb to add another one, but also b/c a loss early coupled with an SEC loss could end your championship hopes very early. That being said, we’re talking about Ala-fucking-Bama and a PSU team that hasn’t been a real contender since the likes of Kerry “Vodka” Collins (believe it or not, he’s Irish). Look, I’m gonna be honest (again), I don’t know jack shit about the Nittany Lions, but I did see on the internets this site http://joepasdoghouse.com/?p=2462 which praised the ever living hell out of the Tide fans and Tuscaloosa and was almost pleading their fans to reciprocate. Well, if you’ve see the way they treat Ohio State fan’s you’ll understand. Either way, I’m calling for an SEC victory, shouldn’t be too hard to come by…
Tide 37
Nittany Lions 17
ML
Tide 31
Lions 10
EGM
Bama 20
Secondhand Lions 0
Cincinnati @ Tennessee (-5)
EGM
And here is Tennessee, much like Alabama, playing a non-creampuff in week two. They should be commended for this good behavior. I'd love to turn this into a rant against the 12th game (and the sudden "need" for 7 home games) but I'll save that for Twitter and the dark recesses of Irish pubs in the DC area.
As for the game, both teams look to be quite talented on the offensive side of the football and quite average defensively. However, average defensively in the Big East is quite different than average defensively in the SEC. You might think that I'm taking a trend to an extreme but I invite you to watch the 2009 Sugar Bowl. Even dumbass Dooley couldn't screw up the massive talent edge and homefield advantage.
Bearcats 20
Vols 35
CB
WKRP 16
Vuls 30
ML
Bearcatz 17
Vowwlz 24
South Carolina @ Georgia (+3)
ML
Game of the Week! There is a lot to talk about in this one. Mark pRicht is fighting for his life and already used up his manufactured intensity by borrowing Grambling’s uniforms against Boise. It really is do-or-die time for the pious one. If UGA can pull off the upset they’ll be in the driver’s seat in the East. I believe I touched on this last week, but it is my opinion that if you do not root against Georgia every week, you are insane. Who cares about Boise not playing a tough schedule? For me, SEC pride goes the way of the dodo when the black and red is on the field. Meanwhile, the drunkard from Jefferson High School saved the day against ECU, helping the Cocks “come from behind” for the high scoring victory. Will the Ol’ Ball Coach keep playing two QBs? It may not matter with Marcus Lattimore going against a depleted UGA linebacking corps.
Cock ‘n Gun 28
Dead Dogs 17
EGM
Cocks 31
UGA 24
CB
Cawks 27
Dawgs 23
Southern Illinois at Ole Miss (OFF)
EGM
Ole Miss did exactly what I expected last week. Run the football and keep the ball away from their atrocious QB situation. Unfortunately for the Rebs, a late fumble prevented their Wing T/Veer attack from notching a victory. Houston Nutt has reacted by taking water from the players during practice and decreasing their tobacco stipends. These tactics can only lead to a more impressive victory over the lowly Salukis.
Silky Dogs 6
Shitty Rebs 38
CB
Saluks 10
Hotty Toddy 30
ML
Salukis 3
Ole Piss 40
UAB @ Florida (-23)
ML
I loved seeing the pro-style attack and a semi-competent Johnny B, but I am worried about our ability to gain 2 yards when we need it in the SEC. I attended the game in person, so I feel like I didn’t get to see it as well as if I were watching it on the tube. No chance this week to watch the Sunshine replay either, so I am excited to sit down in front of a flat screen and analyze our D-Line. The real season starts next week!
Khaleesi’s offspring 3
GATORS 35
EGM
Blazers 3
Gators 49
CB
Blazahs 6
GATORS 44
New Mexico @ Arkansas (-36)
CB
Well, when I first chose this game to be one of my picks, I stupidly thought the Razorbacks were actually going TO New Mexico. I thought they were morons, but somehow I was outsmarted by folks from Arkansas. I feel like an idiot. In regards to the game, the Backs are going to throw all over the Lobos as they are now a one-trick-pony with Knile Davis out for the year. Either QB with any 2 of ArKansas’ stud WRs could destroy New Mexico.
Nice Original State Name 6
Ditto, Dummies 45
ML
UNM 10
Cover City 56
EGM
Lobos 7
Arky 60
UConn @ Vandy (-1.5)
ML
This would be a great women’s hoops game, well as great as watching women’s hoops can be. I imagine it will draw similar attendance. When you think about it, Huskies is a great nickname for a women’s hoops team.
HUSKIES 20
‘Dores 17
EGM
Huskies 21
Vandy 17
CB
UCawhn 23
Vandie 21
Northwestern State @ LSU (OFF)
CB
I just picked this game to offer an apology to the Tigers. I clearly underestimated LSU last week. I thought the loss of their starting quarterback would cause more of a problem. Why didn’t I just believe in the Hat and that hickass moron Jarrett Lee?? Oh well, even if this were regs Northwestern I’d still pick the Bayou Bengals to roll. This is a serious contender ladies and gentlemen.
NWS 3
LSU 50
ML
Demons! 6
Tigers 45
EGM
NSU 0
Tigers 58
Friday, September 02, 2011
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week I
Malt Licker
We are on the eve of a new CBE, otherwise known as the Coach BOOM! Era. Much to El Gran Mono’s chagrin, the spread will be replaced with a pro-style attack authored by the fatman, Chas Weis. Our beloved Gators open up with the standard appetizer of creampuffs before facing a brutal stretch in October that will make or break the career of John Brantley III. Unless of course he shites the bed against FAU, UAB or UT, in which case our young team will get a lot younger. This seems like a particularly wide-open year, as each highly-ranked team seems to have some holes. Although it may just seem wide-open because I’ve spent less time following pre-season news than I ever have, and I am confusing the holes in my knowledge for holes in a particular team. Speaking of holes, it would be nice if our offensive line could open some up for our running backs. I do not like the idea of relying on Johnny B.
Cuzzin Bailey
Doesn’t it seem like the off season gets longer and longer each year? I swear I barely remember the Gators last season. Maybe that’s a good thing. Urban Meyer left UF the same way he came in…with a “meh.” It was like an Oreo, kinda plain on the outside with some seriously awesome filling. But the man that divided much of Gator Nation is now gone. No more fights between family members (mine) about the spread offense. No more debates as to whether or not that is a direction toward which we want our team headed. Coach “Boom” Muschamp has returned to his hometown to bring back a little offensive sanity. Perhaps an offense that doesn’t require an All-American, Heisman trophy winner, prodigal son type scenario to function properly, would be better suited for this team. I hate to make it sound like I’m selling out Coach Meyer, but I live by certain rules in my College Football life, and one of them is this: I’m a Gator fan above any player or coach. In other words, when folks leave UF for any reason, I wish them well, but I’m not going to buy their jersey or be happy when they coach a rival. I’m a Gator baby! I’m ready for Coach MusCHOMP to bring Gator football back to the glory we all know is possible. Also, I would be remiss not to mention that I have had quite a summer. Started out with graduating law school, studying like a chump for 10 weeks then taking the bar, and then something kinda important happened three weeks ago!!! Got hitched!!! Actually got married in SEC country, Oxford, MS. It’s a beautiful place for sure. Speaking of which, I would like to mention that I heard on The Herd that the Rebels are a lock this weekend!…Oh yea, as always be sure to follow all Bourbon Boys on twitter, especially www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
El Gran Mono
Last year was pretty strange for Gator fans because every game was a toss up (including the creampuff opener). With each game I found myself getting angrier about every little thing they were doing wrong and the waste of talent that was occurring. So when Mr. Mom Urban Meyer said he was hanging it up I couldn’t have been happier. Thanks for the titles but it takes passion to motivate the hearts of young men. As for Urb’s future, I doubt he ever coaches again.
That’s enough of last year, its now the era of Bourbon Boys LLP (3 JDs and counting, congrats CB), Coach Boom, and a dynastic run of titles by the SEC. At three in a row, there was a strut. At four in a row, there was a knowing smile. At five in row, you don’t even need to talk for the ladies to come home with you. And as we roll into the 2011 season, it appears the team sporting the strut, smile and prowess is Bama. Everyone loves their defense and Trent Richardson is an absolute beast. Perhaps the praise is worthy but I just don’t get hot and bothered thinking about their unproven quarterback.
The rest of the conference is a pretty unpredictable. LSU fans will point to their stud defense and high ranking but I will point to the presence of Jarrett Lee and JJeff. Arkansas has a bevy of wide receivers and running backs but can they play defense? Miss State looked tough last year but can they be consistent with a dude like Chris Relf at the helm? South Carolina ran the ball effectively last year and Stephen Garcia looked good at times but every game seemed like a miracle. UGA is incredibly talented at almost every position but do they have anyone they can actually count on? The Gators replaced their coaching staff with an all star cast of defensive and offensive gurus but they didn’t replace their players.
The rest of the teams are hardly worth mentioning and that includes the defending champion Plainsmen. And why is that you ask? Because of any of them could go 5-7 and no one reading this would be surprised.
I guess I should lay out some quick preseason predictions…NCAA Champ – Oklahoma, SEC Champ – Bama, East Champ – Florida, Player of the Year – Trent Richardson. Call me a homer, but then go put your money on South Carolina. You won’t feel good about that in two weeks.
And without further ado, I will unveil the new weekly feature of 2011…the brew of the week. And this week the winner goes to Full Sail IPA. Not as hoppy as some but the flavor is can’t miss. Also, our communist readers can sleep well knowing its employee owned. Fuck the bourgeoisie!
Also, congrats to CB for tying the knot a few weeks ago. It was an epic wedding for an epic couple. I will never forget rocking out to Bon Jovi with some modified slam dancing while CB led the chorus. Let’s continue the celebration with a great CFB season!
You can follow me on Saturday or any other day of the week on Twitter @elgranmono1865.
All predictions are for entertainment purposes only!
Utah State @ Auburn (-23), 12pm
CB
Its gonna be great to see Auburn struggle this year without laptop douchebag. That sure isn’t going to happen this weekend, but consider this: Utah St is only a 23 pt underdog AT an SEC stadium. That’s weak sauce. I hope Auburn’s program crumbles ala Miami. This weekend shouldn’t be a real contest and the fact that the Tigers do still have some amazing talent, I think this one isn’t close, but Auburn better watch out the rest of the season.
Utawr State 12
Aubarn 40
ML
Aggies? 13
RIP Toomer Trees 34
EGM
Other Aggies 17
Plainsmen 38
Kent State @ Alabama (-38), 12:20pm
ML
I’m sure we’ll hear too much about the tornados that swept through Tuscaloosa, enough to make me consider making insensitive remarks about exploding roofs and shattered lives, but I’m planning to take the high road. I’ll just say it’s too bad that Nick Saban’s home was not in the path.
Golden Flash 6
Crimson Tide 55
CB
Take a Shot! 3
Bama 49
EGM
Flashes 3
Bama 52
BYU @ Ole Miss (+3), 4:45pm
EGM
Ole Miss was a flaming bag of monkey shit last year. They started their shit spiral with a loss to an I-AA team and ended it with their second consecutive Egg Bowl loss. Houston Nutt will not stand for two seasons of that kind of failure and he has already used the word sati three times this week. BYU is unimpressed by Nutt’s antics because as Mormons they are constantly happy and have karma on their side. However, they do lack experience in Southern fried football with a side of desperation. I expect Nutt will run the football with his QB, RB, WR, and possibly even TE. The man knows how to run the ball and BYU will soon understand the concept of time of possession.
Happy 20
Desperate 21
ML
Mormons 20
Rebs 31
CB
BWhiteU 20
Ole Miss 21
Montana @ Tennessee (OFF), 6pm
EGM
UT has been one of the teams in the SEC that typically opens with a non-creampuff. Not the case this year. I figured Montana had a university but I was unaware they played football. I’m sure their payout is going to their massive forestry program or something of that ilk.
Go Griz 10
Go Vols 44
ML
Grizzlies!!! 6
Vols 50
CB
Tony Montana, Political Prisoner 4
Tennesseesucks 43
FAU @ Florida (OFF), 7pm
CB
Its ABOUT TIME! I have no idea how many games I’m gonna make it to this year, but its going to be an exciting fall, that’s for certain. Games like UT, Bama, FSU all home, with LSU, Auburn, UGA and South Carolina all away from the Swamp. I really have no clue how this is gonna work out and I figured yall are just like me, wait til after this game. I mean after 10 snaps sailed over Johnny’s head last year, did anyone immediately make reservations for Arizona? Uh No. So while its not exactly like we’re worried about the outcome, I can’t freaking wait to see what we are made of off the practice field. I like the tools we have (senior QB, older players, and the coaches) it all comes down to how we use em. I like the Gators big, haha, obviously! GO GATORS!
Screw Coach Schnell 13
Go Coach BOOM! 45
ML
Schnellen-Owls 7
BOOM! 38
EGM
Owls 3
BOOM! 45
East Carolina @ South Carolina (-20.5), 7pm
ML
How can a team with a drunk at QB be considered the favorite to win the East? Easy, the rest of the division is in shambles. The Ol’ Ball Coach has brought in some amazing playmakers in Lattimore and Jefferey, and Errict Rhett and Fred Taylor will tell you that he knows how to ride a tailback. The Pride of Tampa, Stephen Garcia, was suspended after an allegedly “alcohol-fueled” incident at a “life-skills” seminar. If you are going to have an incident, I generally find it is best if it is “alcohol-fueled.” There is not much to say about this game other than that I could replace Stephen, be alcohol-fueled, and hand the ball off to Lattimore 40 times and lead the Cocks to victory.
Pirates 13
Roosters 31
CB
ECU 14
USCe 36
EGM
Pirates 6
Cocks 31
Missouri State @ Arkansas (OFF), 7pm
EGM
Its highly possible that Missouri State will take a bus to this game (not from the airport). Its also highly possible that Missouri State will take a bus to every game (not from the airport).
Bears 10
Arky 58
ML
Bears 6
Hawgs 66
CB
Mizzou St 12
Arkansas 35
Elon @ Vanderbilt (OFF), 7:30pm
EGM
I’m betting there are at least five asshole professors at Vanderbilt that were offended by Elon’s former nickname. The world would probably be a better place if those five people simultaneously combusted.
Formerly Fighting Christians 5
Vandy 32
ML
Slaughtered Christians 2
Vander-dork 48
CB
God’s On Our Side 6
Books On Our Side 48
Boise State v. Georgia (+3.5), @ Atlanta, GA, 8pm
CB
First of all, I am seriously torn in this game as a fan. First of all, I would love for Boise State to lose their first game thereby ending the Broncos talk for the season, but I also have to balance my hatred for the Bulldogs. I think that’s because it will make us look better when we beat UGA later on, its a must that I root for the dawgs. Aaron Murray needs to find a number 1 receiver and if they can settle on a starting RB they should be set for a great season at second in the East.
Boise STATE 20
UGA 21
ML
Broncs 34
Dawgs 27
EGM
Boise 17
UGA 21
Oregon v. LSU (+3.5), @Arlingotn, TX, 8pm
ML
Les’ boys will be without three starters on offense, the good news is one of them is the overrated and underachieving Jordan Jefferson, as the Tigers look to improve to 29-1 in nonconference games under Coach Miles. Can Jarrett Lee’s moxie quotient keep up with LaMichael James and the rest of LaDucks. The last time the high powered Ducks faced an SEC defense, they were held to less than 20 in the title game. I see Lee furnishing 3 scoring drives and the Tiger D-Line setting another one up to help the Tigers start 1-0.
Team Moxie 24
Team Nike 20
CB
Frank Ducks 24
Kumete Tigers 17
EGM
Ducks 23
Tigers 31
We are on the eve of a new CBE, otherwise known as the Coach BOOM! Era. Much to El Gran Mono’s chagrin, the spread will be replaced with a pro-style attack authored by the fatman, Chas Weis. Our beloved Gators open up with the standard appetizer of creampuffs before facing a brutal stretch in October that will make or break the career of John Brantley III. Unless of course he shites the bed against FAU, UAB or UT, in which case our young team will get a lot younger. This seems like a particularly wide-open year, as each highly-ranked team seems to have some holes. Although it may just seem wide-open because I’ve spent less time following pre-season news than I ever have, and I am confusing the holes in my knowledge for holes in a particular team. Speaking of holes, it would be nice if our offensive line could open some up for our running backs. I do not like the idea of relying on Johnny B.
Cuzzin Bailey
Doesn’t it seem like the off season gets longer and longer each year? I swear I barely remember the Gators last season. Maybe that’s a good thing. Urban Meyer left UF the same way he came in…with a “meh.” It was like an Oreo, kinda plain on the outside with some seriously awesome filling. But the man that divided much of Gator Nation is now gone. No more fights between family members (mine) about the spread offense. No more debates as to whether or not that is a direction toward which we want our team headed. Coach “Boom” Muschamp has returned to his hometown to bring back a little offensive sanity. Perhaps an offense that doesn’t require an All-American, Heisman trophy winner, prodigal son type scenario to function properly, would be better suited for this team. I hate to make it sound like I’m selling out Coach Meyer, but I live by certain rules in my College Football life, and one of them is this: I’m a Gator fan above any player or coach. In other words, when folks leave UF for any reason, I wish them well, but I’m not going to buy their jersey or be happy when they coach a rival. I’m a Gator baby! I’m ready for Coach MusCHOMP to bring Gator football back to the glory we all know is possible. Also, I would be remiss not to mention that I have had quite a summer. Started out with graduating law school, studying like a chump for 10 weeks then taking the bar, and then something kinda important happened three weeks ago!!! Got hitched!!! Actually got married in SEC country, Oxford, MS. It’s a beautiful place for sure. Speaking of which, I would like to mention that I heard on The Herd that the Rebels are a lock this weekend!…Oh yea, as always be sure to follow all Bourbon Boys on twitter, especially www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
El Gran Mono
Last year was pretty strange for Gator fans because every game was a toss up (including the creampuff opener). With each game I found myself getting angrier about every little thing they were doing wrong and the waste of talent that was occurring. So when Mr. Mom Urban Meyer said he was hanging it up I couldn’t have been happier. Thanks for the titles but it takes passion to motivate the hearts of young men. As for Urb’s future, I doubt he ever coaches again.
That’s enough of last year, its now the era of Bourbon Boys LLP (3 JDs and counting, congrats CB), Coach Boom, and a dynastic run of titles by the SEC. At three in a row, there was a strut. At four in a row, there was a knowing smile. At five in row, you don’t even need to talk for the ladies to come home with you. And as we roll into the 2011 season, it appears the team sporting the strut, smile and prowess is Bama. Everyone loves their defense and Trent Richardson is an absolute beast. Perhaps the praise is worthy but I just don’t get hot and bothered thinking about their unproven quarterback.
The rest of the conference is a pretty unpredictable. LSU fans will point to their stud defense and high ranking but I will point to the presence of Jarrett Lee and JJeff. Arkansas has a bevy of wide receivers and running backs but can they play defense? Miss State looked tough last year but can they be consistent with a dude like Chris Relf at the helm? South Carolina ran the ball effectively last year and Stephen Garcia looked good at times but every game seemed like a miracle. UGA is incredibly talented at almost every position but do they have anyone they can actually count on? The Gators replaced their coaching staff with an all star cast of defensive and offensive gurus but they didn’t replace their players.
The rest of the teams are hardly worth mentioning and that includes the defending champion Plainsmen. And why is that you ask? Because of any of them could go 5-7 and no one reading this would be surprised.
I guess I should lay out some quick preseason predictions…NCAA Champ – Oklahoma, SEC Champ – Bama, East Champ – Florida, Player of the Year – Trent Richardson. Call me a homer, but then go put your money on South Carolina. You won’t feel good about that in two weeks.
And without further ado, I will unveil the new weekly feature of 2011…the brew of the week. And this week the winner goes to Full Sail IPA. Not as hoppy as some but the flavor is can’t miss. Also, our communist readers can sleep well knowing its employee owned. Fuck the bourgeoisie!
Also, congrats to CB for tying the knot a few weeks ago. It was an epic wedding for an epic couple. I will never forget rocking out to Bon Jovi with some modified slam dancing while CB led the chorus. Let’s continue the celebration with a great CFB season!
You can follow me on Saturday or any other day of the week on Twitter @elgranmono1865.
All predictions are for entertainment purposes only!
Utah State @ Auburn (-23), 12pm
CB
Its gonna be great to see Auburn struggle this year without laptop douchebag. That sure isn’t going to happen this weekend, but consider this: Utah St is only a 23 pt underdog AT an SEC stadium. That’s weak sauce. I hope Auburn’s program crumbles ala Miami. This weekend shouldn’t be a real contest and the fact that the Tigers do still have some amazing talent, I think this one isn’t close, but Auburn better watch out the rest of the season.
Utawr State 12
Aubarn 40
ML
Aggies? 13
RIP Toomer Trees 34
EGM
Other Aggies 17
Plainsmen 38
Kent State @ Alabama (-38), 12:20pm
ML
I’m sure we’ll hear too much about the tornados that swept through Tuscaloosa, enough to make me consider making insensitive remarks about exploding roofs and shattered lives, but I’m planning to take the high road. I’ll just say it’s too bad that Nick Saban’s home was not in the path.
Golden Flash 6
Crimson Tide 55
CB
Take a Shot! 3
Bama 49
EGM
Flashes 3
Bama 52
BYU @ Ole Miss (+3), 4:45pm
EGM
Ole Miss was a flaming bag of monkey shit last year. They started their shit spiral with a loss to an I-AA team and ended it with their second consecutive Egg Bowl loss. Houston Nutt will not stand for two seasons of that kind of failure and he has already used the word sati three times this week. BYU is unimpressed by Nutt’s antics because as Mormons they are constantly happy and have karma on their side. However, they do lack experience in Southern fried football with a side of desperation. I expect Nutt will run the football with his QB, RB, WR, and possibly even TE. The man knows how to run the ball and BYU will soon understand the concept of time of possession.
Happy 20
Desperate 21
ML
Mormons 20
Rebs 31
CB
BWhiteU 20
Ole Miss 21
Montana @ Tennessee (OFF), 6pm
EGM
UT has been one of the teams in the SEC that typically opens with a non-creampuff. Not the case this year. I figured Montana had a university but I was unaware they played football. I’m sure their payout is going to their massive forestry program or something of that ilk.
Go Griz 10
Go Vols 44
ML
Grizzlies!!! 6
Vols 50
CB
Tony Montana, Political Prisoner 4
Tennesseesucks 43
FAU @ Florida (OFF), 7pm
CB
Its ABOUT TIME! I have no idea how many games I’m gonna make it to this year, but its going to be an exciting fall, that’s for certain. Games like UT, Bama, FSU all home, with LSU, Auburn, UGA and South Carolina all away from the Swamp. I really have no clue how this is gonna work out and I figured yall are just like me, wait til after this game. I mean after 10 snaps sailed over Johnny’s head last year, did anyone immediately make reservations for Arizona? Uh No. So while its not exactly like we’re worried about the outcome, I can’t freaking wait to see what we are made of off the practice field. I like the tools we have (senior QB, older players, and the coaches) it all comes down to how we use em. I like the Gators big, haha, obviously! GO GATORS!
Screw Coach Schnell 13
Go Coach BOOM! 45
ML
Schnellen-Owls 7
BOOM! 38
EGM
Owls 3
BOOM! 45
East Carolina @ South Carolina (-20.5), 7pm
ML
How can a team with a drunk at QB be considered the favorite to win the East? Easy, the rest of the division is in shambles. The Ol’ Ball Coach has brought in some amazing playmakers in Lattimore and Jefferey, and Errict Rhett and Fred Taylor will tell you that he knows how to ride a tailback. The Pride of Tampa, Stephen Garcia, was suspended after an allegedly “alcohol-fueled” incident at a “life-skills” seminar. If you are going to have an incident, I generally find it is best if it is “alcohol-fueled.” There is not much to say about this game other than that I could replace Stephen, be alcohol-fueled, and hand the ball off to Lattimore 40 times and lead the Cocks to victory.
Pirates 13
Roosters 31
CB
ECU 14
USCe 36
EGM
Pirates 6
Cocks 31
Missouri State @ Arkansas (OFF), 7pm
EGM
Its highly possible that Missouri State will take a bus to this game (not from the airport). Its also highly possible that Missouri State will take a bus to every game (not from the airport).
Bears 10
Arky 58
ML
Bears 6
Hawgs 66
CB
Mizzou St 12
Arkansas 35
Elon @ Vanderbilt (OFF), 7:30pm
EGM
I’m betting there are at least five asshole professors at Vanderbilt that were offended by Elon’s former nickname. The world would probably be a better place if those five people simultaneously combusted.
Formerly Fighting Christians 5
Vandy 32
ML
Slaughtered Christians 2
Vander-dork 48
CB
God’s On Our Side 6
Books On Our Side 48
Boise State v. Georgia (+3.5), @ Atlanta, GA, 8pm
CB
First of all, I am seriously torn in this game as a fan. First of all, I would love for Boise State to lose their first game thereby ending the Broncos talk for the season, but I also have to balance my hatred for the Bulldogs. I think that’s because it will make us look better when we beat UGA later on, its a must that I root for the dawgs. Aaron Murray needs to find a number 1 receiver and if they can settle on a starting RB they should be set for a great season at second in the East.
Boise STATE 20
UGA 21
ML
Broncs 34
Dawgs 27
EGM
Boise 17
UGA 21
Oregon v. LSU (+3.5), @Arlingotn, TX, 8pm
ML
Les’ boys will be without three starters on offense, the good news is one of them is the overrated and underachieving Jordan Jefferson, as the Tigers look to improve to 29-1 in nonconference games under Coach Miles. Can Jarrett Lee’s moxie quotient keep up with LaMichael James and the rest of LaDucks. The last time the high powered Ducks faced an SEC defense, they were held to less than 20 in the title game. I see Lee furnishing 3 scoring drives and the Tiger D-Line setting another one up to help the Tigers start 1-0.
Team Moxie 24
Team Nike 20
CB
Frank Ducks 24
Kumete Tigers 17
EGM
Ducks 23
Tigers 31
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