Malt Licker
We are on the eve of a new CBE, otherwise known as the Coach BOOM! Era. Much to El Gran Mono’s chagrin, the spread will be replaced with a pro-style attack authored by the fatman, Chas Weis. Our beloved Gators open up with the standard appetizer of creampuffs before facing a brutal stretch in October that will make or break the career of John Brantley III. Unless of course he shites the bed against FAU, UAB or UT, in which case our young team will get a lot younger. This seems like a particularly wide-open year, as each highly-ranked team seems to have some holes. Although it may just seem wide-open because I’ve spent less time following pre-season news than I ever have, and I am confusing the holes in my knowledge for holes in a particular team. Speaking of holes, it would be nice if our offensive line could open some up for our running backs. I do not like the idea of relying on Johnny B.
Cuzzin Bailey
Doesn’t it seem like the off season gets longer and longer each year? I swear I barely remember the Gators last season. Maybe that’s a good thing. Urban Meyer left UF the same way he came in…with a “meh.” It was like an Oreo, kinda plain on the outside with some seriously awesome filling. But the man that divided much of Gator Nation is now gone. No more fights between family members (mine) about the spread offense. No more debates as to whether or not that is a direction toward which we want our team headed. Coach “Boom” Muschamp has returned to his hometown to bring back a little offensive sanity. Perhaps an offense that doesn’t require an All-American, Heisman trophy winner, prodigal son type scenario to function properly, would be better suited for this team. I hate to make it sound like I’m selling out Coach Meyer, but I live by certain rules in my College Football life, and one of them is this: I’m a Gator fan above any player or coach. In other words, when folks leave UF for any reason, I wish them well, but I’m not going to buy their jersey or be happy when they coach a rival. I’m a Gator baby! I’m ready for Coach MusCHOMP to bring Gator football back to the glory we all know is possible. Also, I would be remiss not to mention that I have had quite a summer. Started out with graduating law school, studying like a chump for 10 weeks then taking the bar, and then something kinda important happened three weeks ago!!! Got hitched!!! Actually got married in SEC country, Oxford, MS. It’s a beautiful place for sure. Speaking of which, I would like to mention that I heard on The Herd that the Rebels are a lock this weekend!…Oh yea, as always be sure to follow all Bourbon Boys on twitter, especially www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
El Gran Mono
Last year was pretty strange for Gator fans because every game was a toss up (including the creampuff opener). With each game I found myself getting angrier about every little thing they were doing wrong and the waste of talent that was occurring. So when Mr. Mom Urban Meyer said he was hanging it up I couldn’t have been happier. Thanks for the titles but it takes passion to motivate the hearts of young men. As for Urb’s future, I doubt he ever coaches again.
That’s enough of last year, its now the era of Bourbon Boys LLP (3 JDs and counting, congrats CB), Coach Boom, and a dynastic run of titles by the SEC. At three in a row, there was a strut. At four in a row, there was a knowing smile. At five in row, you don’t even need to talk for the ladies to come home with you. And as we roll into the 2011 season, it appears the team sporting the strut, smile and prowess is Bama. Everyone loves their defense and Trent Richardson is an absolute beast. Perhaps the praise is worthy but I just don’t get hot and bothered thinking about their unproven quarterback.
The rest of the conference is a pretty unpredictable. LSU fans will point to their stud defense and high ranking but I will point to the presence of Jarrett Lee and JJeff. Arkansas has a bevy of wide receivers and running backs but can they play defense? Miss State looked tough last year but can they be consistent with a dude like Chris Relf at the helm? South Carolina ran the ball effectively last year and Stephen Garcia looked good at times but every game seemed like a miracle. UGA is incredibly talented at almost every position but do they have anyone they can actually count on? The Gators replaced their coaching staff with an all star cast of defensive and offensive gurus but they didn’t replace their players.
The rest of the teams are hardly worth mentioning and that includes the defending champion Plainsmen. And why is that you ask? Because of any of them could go 5-7 and no one reading this would be surprised.
I guess I should lay out some quick preseason predictions…NCAA Champ – Oklahoma, SEC Champ – Bama, East Champ – Florida, Player of the Year – Trent Richardson. Call me a homer, but then go put your money on South Carolina. You won’t feel good about that in two weeks.
And without further ado, I will unveil the new weekly feature of 2011…the brew of the week. And this week the winner goes to Full Sail IPA. Not as hoppy as some but the flavor is can’t miss. Also, our communist readers can sleep well knowing its employee owned. Fuck the bourgeoisie!
Also, congrats to CB for tying the knot a few weeks ago. It was an epic wedding for an epic couple. I will never forget rocking out to Bon Jovi with some modified slam dancing while CB led the chorus. Let’s continue the celebration with a great CFB season!
You can follow me on Saturday or any other day of the week on Twitter @elgranmono1865.
All predictions are for entertainment purposes only!
Utah State @ Auburn (-23), 12pm
CB
Its gonna be great to see Auburn struggle this year without laptop douchebag. That sure isn’t going to happen this weekend, but consider this: Utah St is only a 23 pt underdog AT an SEC stadium. That’s weak sauce. I hope Auburn’s program crumbles ala Miami. This weekend shouldn’t be a real contest and the fact that the Tigers do still have some amazing talent, I think this one isn’t close, but Auburn better watch out the rest of the season.
Utawr State 12
Aubarn 40
ML
Aggies? 13
RIP Toomer Trees 34
EGM
Other Aggies 17
Plainsmen 38
Kent State @ Alabama (-38), 12:20pm
ML
I’m sure we’ll hear too much about the tornados that swept through Tuscaloosa, enough to make me consider making insensitive remarks about exploding roofs and shattered lives, but I’m planning to take the high road. I’ll just say it’s too bad that Nick Saban’s home was not in the path.
Golden Flash 6
Crimson Tide 55
CB
Take a Shot! 3
Bama 49
EGM
Flashes 3
Bama 52
BYU @ Ole Miss (+3), 4:45pm
EGM
Ole Miss was a flaming bag of monkey shit last year. They started their shit spiral with a loss to an I-AA team and ended it with their second consecutive Egg Bowl loss. Houston Nutt will not stand for two seasons of that kind of failure and he has already used the word sati three times this week. BYU is unimpressed by Nutt’s antics because as Mormons they are constantly happy and have karma on their side. However, they do lack experience in Southern fried football with a side of desperation. I expect Nutt will run the football with his QB, RB, WR, and possibly even TE. The man knows how to run the ball and BYU will soon understand the concept of time of possession.
Happy 20
Desperate 21
ML
Mormons 20
Rebs 31
CB
BWhiteU 20
Ole Miss 21
Montana @ Tennessee (OFF), 6pm
EGM
UT has been one of the teams in the SEC that typically opens with a non-creampuff. Not the case this year. I figured Montana had a university but I was unaware they played football. I’m sure their payout is going to their massive forestry program or something of that ilk.
Go Griz 10
Go Vols 44
ML
Grizzlies!!! 6
Vols 50
CB
Tony Montana, Political Prisoner 4
Tennesseesucks 43
FAU @ Florida (OFF), 7pm
CB
Its ABOUT TIME! I have no idea how many games I’m gonna make it to this year, but its going to be an exciting fall, that’s for certain. Games like UT, Bama, FSU all home, with LSU, Auburn, UGA and South Carolina all away from the Swamp. I really have no clue how this is gonna work out and I figured yall are just like me, wait til after this game. I mean after 10 snaps sailed over Johnny’s head last year, did anyone immediately make reservations for Arizona? Uh No. So while its not exactly like we’re worried about the outcome, I can’t freaking wait to see what we are made of off the practice field. I like the tools we have (senior QB, older players, and the coaches) it all comes down to how we use em. I like the Gators big, haha, obviously! GO GATORS!
Screw Coach Schnell 13
Go Coach BOOM! 45
ML
Schnellen-Owls 7
BOOM! 38
EGM
Owls 3
BOOM! 45
East Carolina @ South Carolina (-20.5), 7pm
ML
How can a team with a drunk at QB be considered the favorite to win the East? Easy, the rest of the division is in shambles. The Ol’ Ball Coach has brought in some amazing playmakers in Lattimore and Jefferey, and Errict Rhett and Fred Taylor will tell you that he knows how to ride a tailback. The Pride of Tampa, Stephen Garcia, was suspended after an allegedly “alcohol-fueled” incident at a “life-skills” seminar. If you are going to have an incident, I generally find it is best if it is “alcohol-fueled.” There is not much to say about this game other than that I could replace Stephen, be alcohol-fueled, and hand the ball off to Lattimore 40 times and lead the Cocks to victory.
Pirates 13
Roosters 31
CB
ECU 14
USCe 36
EGM
Pirates 6
Cocks 31
Missouri State @ Arkansas (OFF), 7pm
EGM
Its highly possible that Missouri State will take a bus to this game (not from the airport). Its also highly possible that Missouri State will take a bus to every game (not from the airport).
Bears 10
Arky 58
ML
Bears 6
Hawgs 66
CB
Mizzou St 12
Arkansas 35
Elon @ Vanderbilt (OFF), 7:30pm
EGM
I’m betting there are at least five asshole professors at Vanderbilt that were offended by Elon’s former nickname. The world would probably be a better place if those five people simultaneously combusted.
Formerly Fighting Christians 5
Vandy 32
ML
Slaughtered Christians 2
Vander-dork 48
CB
God’s On Our Side 6
Books On Our Side 48
Boise State v. Georgia (+3.5), @ Atlanta, GA, 8pm
CB
First of all, I am seriously torn in this game as a fan. First of all, I would love for Boise State to lose their first game thereby ending the Broncos talk for the season, but I also have to balance my hatred for the Bulldogs. I think that’s because it will make us look better when we beat UGA later on, its a must that I root for the dawgs. Aaron Murray needs to find a number 1 receiver and if they can settle on a starting RB they should be set for a great season at second in the East.
Boise STATE 20
UGA 21
ML
Broncs 34
Dawgs 27
EGM
Boise 17
UGA 21
Oregon v. LSU (+3.5), @Arlingotn, TX, 8pm
ML
Les’ boys will be without three starters on offense, the good news is one of them is the overrated and underachieving Jordan Jefferson, as the Tigers look to improve to 29-1 in nonconference games under Coach Miles. Can Jarrett Lee’s moxie quotient keep up with LaMichael James and the rest of LaDucks. The last time the high powered Ducks faced an SEC defense, they were held to less than 20 in the title game. I see Lee furnishing 3 scoring drives and the Tiger D-Line setting another one up to help the Tigers start 1-0.
Team Moxie 24
Team Nike 20
CB
Frank Ducks 24
Kumete Tigers 17
EGM
Ducks 23
Tigers 31
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