El Gran Mono
Well, last week was certainly what I thought it would be...at least with respect to Alabama vs. Penn State. Despite a pretty good slate on paper, Michigan-ND was the only decent game from beginning to end. Florida made things very interesting by going with their now patented "try to look crap for as long as possible but still win" offense. Until the mid-third quarter, USF was very much in the game and appeared to be the better team. I'd love to say the Gators will bounce back this week but I'm starting to feel like this team will consistently be raising my blood pressure all season long (with a possible coronary incident whilst watching Michigan trample the Gators in the Outback Bowl once again). I digress... This week doesn't have much to offer other than Arky-UGA and the formerly decent matchup of UF-UT. How many straight is it? On to the picks...
Malt Licker
Not feeling particularly joyful, for a number of reasons, but it’s the eve of Week 3 and time to trudge through another edition of the Bourbon Boys. Word on the street is that EGM has to attend a wedding in the midst of our game against the Vols. Thank god for smart phones, they can help one get through stupid planning by others. Several big games last week, but the middle of the road games were the most exciting. Maybe that means this week’s underwhelming slate will be packed with big games. RIP LH!
Cuzzin Bailey
Is it possible that Chris Rainey meant to text something else, thereby predictive texting turned helpful “Time to DIET” into angry “Time to Die”? Maybe she was a load of a lady? Let’s hope so, for his sake, of course if it was the former, he would have been in big trouble with her anyways! In other news, another great example of some pollsters being completely full of shit, the Gators have won for the second straight week, and yet we have dropped in the polls for the second straight week. I get that we played like junk in the first half, but they turned it around big time and got zero respect for that. Also, I saw that Oregon jumped over us for beating up on Tennessee. So, does that mean that if we kick the Vols ass this week we will jump back in front? Of course not! If we win huge, all that will do is solidify UT remaining on the downside of a 5 year long slump. So the paradox lies in what to do with Oregon. If we win, it will make their rank jumping victory less of a big deal; and do any of you think there’s a chance the Ducks will drop in the rankings? NOT A CHANCE. What about Boise State? Their “marquee win” just wound up meaning absolutely nothing. Va-Tech lost to James Freaking Madison (that’s his actual middle name). Everyone was saying how bad it would be for the Hokies to start 1-1; now it’s gotta be a crisis in Blacksburg. On the flip side, Bama beat Penn State pretty handily and Ohio State destroyed Miami, guess those ranking spots were accurate. Still, I remember the good ol’ days when you won and didn’t get leapfrogged by some west coast chump team. Sorry for the ranting, got a shitty call from a jerk of a telemarketer today…We’re all thinking about you H-town. If you want more: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey
12:00pm
EGM
Arkansas at Georgia (-2)
After watching the Dawgs flounder against the Cock defense, its hard to believed they are favored over Arkansas. I guess the linesmakers think Arkansas can't stop UGA because they will certainly score themselves. This game was a shootout last year and a likely outcome. I'll take Richt over Petrino any day of the week in an evenly matched game. I like UGA's chances even more given the game is b'teen the hedges. I look for UGA's frosh QB to have a similar game to Fiery Joe Cox's monster effort last year.
Arky 28
UGA 31
ML
Hogs 27
Dogs 20
CB
Offensive Hawgs 32
Angry Dawgs 28
12:21pm
EGM
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-13.5)
So Ole Miss lost to D-IAA Jax State and beat hapless Tulane. Um, okay, is that supposed to give me some kind of a lean?
Both of these schools take themselves pretty serious, but in much different ways. Ole Miss fans a dedicated to perpetuating the genre of the Southern preppie/hipster hybrid. Sure, they have scruffy hair and a preworn-in hat BUT they are wearing a TIE. GET IT! They also pretend that William Faulkner is a good writer yet have read none of his books. GET IT! As for Vandy, they are dedicated to fucking up conference chi by underfunding their football program and trying to get a pass for having "smart kids". Somehow they think this is a reasonable choice. Why not join the Ivy League if you are so smart? Let me guess, they wouldn't have you?
Faux Smart 17
Faux Everything 21
ML
Vanderdork 10
Donna Martin 31
CB
‘Dores 14
Rebs 27
3:30pm
ML
Florida at Tennessee (+15)
This line is insane, I know the Quack Attack rolled over baby Simms and the rest of Dooley’s boys in Neyland, but watching Brantley gives me a Leak-y feeling. However, watching Jeff Demps gives me another feeling; deep down, that I don’t talk about at parties, a feeling that a TD is a blink away. Even with Col. Demps on our side, I’m hard pressed to pick us to cover at Gen. Neyland’s stadium.
Gators 24
Vols 13
CB
Hungry GATORS 30
Vol-nerable? 10
EGM
Gators 27
Vols 17
EGM
Alabama at Duke (+22)
This one is pretty easy. Saban shakes Cutcliffe's hand and then kicks the shit out of his team. See LSU v. Ole Miss (c. 2002)
Bamer 34
Duke 10
ML
Bamer 35
Puke 10
CB
Road Tide 34
Home Underdogs 3
7:00pm
CB
Akron at Kentucky (-24)
The Wildcats have Zips in the wire. You know sometimes I like to do some research on sports websites when I have no idea how a team has been doing and that is totally safe to say in the case of Akron. So I checked out to see what the “bloggers” on ESPN were saying. Nothing. There isn’t even a preview of the game. All I know is that Cobb from Kentucky threw, caught and rushed for a TD last weekend against the Hilltoppers and now he’s on the Heisman watch. I’d say that’s bad news for Akron…that and the fact that this game may or may not exist…
Zips 10
‘Cats 40
EGM
Zips 17
Kats 48
ML
Zips 0
Kats 30
CB
Mississippi State at LSU (-8.5)
You know, if I had looked at this game at the beginning of the season, just instinctively I would have given a big edge to LSU and just dumped on Miss State because of their terrible reputation. But now that I have seen both teams play, my opinion has changed greatly. Dan Mullen is, of course, running the same offense he ran at UF and its eerie to see. This team may not have the UF talent, but they are quick and “spread” out the field pretty well. Now the only issue is whether or not LSU’s defense is up to the challenge. Two weeks ago, the Tigers had a hard time keeping a lead on an overmatched UNC, last week the Bayou Bengals reversed roles and I’d say that’s the better side of the coin to be on; start off slow and pick it up in the second half. Miss State is no pushover like Vanderbilt though. With a QB controversy in the works in Baton Rouge, LSU can ill afford to get too far behind early to this rejuvenated Dawgs team. I really, really don’t like LSU’s possible starting QB Jarrett Lee enough that I may call for the upset in this one, maybe if there are a few cowbells at this game…
Not a Mess St 20
We gots a Mess at QB 24
EGM
Dogs 7
Tigers 20
ML
Dirty Dogs 14
Tigers 19
ML
Furman at South Carolina (OFF)
Whoo hoo, the Purple Paladins!!! As Division I-AA schools go, they are about as good as it gets. They are consistently ranked in the top 3 and have an exceedingly unique nickname. In case you were wondering, the Paladins were the foremost warriors of Charlemagne’s court. It will definitely take some medieval tactics to corral Spur-Dogs new toy. Marcus Lattimore, according to Travis Haney of the Charleston Post & Courier, gained 121 of his 182 yards rushing after contact. Look for him to be able to gain more yards before contact this week.
PPs 6
Cocks 44
CB
Fur-Traders 3
Cocks (wow, that got dirty) 45
EGM
Purple Paladins 3
Cocks 31
ML
Clemson at Auburn (-6)
Hair bowl? We have similar campuses bowl? We call our towns villages because it helps us deal with our lack of bars better bowl? Dumbass coach bowl? I can’t believe Auburn is only a six point favorite. They’ve won 13 in a row vs. Clemzon, but this is the first meeting in nearly 40 years. Did you know that Dabo & Gene finished a close second to Bo & Luke when it came to picking a name for the Duke boys?
Dabos 13
Genes 24
CB
ACC Tigers 23
SEC Tigers 32
EGM
Tigers 17
Plainsmen 20
10:30pm
CB
Iowa at Arizona (+1)
Coupla ranked teams here. I just saw a video of a huge crowd of Iowa fans pelting an opponent’s fan with open beer cans…some full, some not. I’ve seen Hawkeye fans at their “best” and therefore I was less than shocked by this mob psychosis. Iowa’s QB is a blue-collar guy that just goes out and wins games; without him, they lose at home to Northwestern so I’d say Stanzi making smart decisions (which he’s prone to do) is crucial on the road against this quick strike offense. I can’t believe I’m praising Zona’s Offense. That used to be their liability. Remember the days of 6-3 victories or 7-0 losses? I guess they’re gone. 1 total touchdown is not going to win this game, and I think that’s going to benefit the Wildcats as they like to score, its fun.
Iowa 23
Zona 24
EGM
Hawkeyes 10
Zona 17
ML
Corn 30
Cactus 22
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK II
Cuzzin Bailey
Ugh, that was one of the worst “first” week’s I have had in a long time. I had too much faith in out of conference opponents that usually play tough, and put even more unwise faith in some SEC teams ability to dismiss the lesser ones. Hats off to El Gran Mono for his hilarious 90210/SEC comparison last week; it was a hit all throughout Cuzzin Bailey’s world. Took the cake, one would say. “Best Bboys entry ever,” others would say. Screw You, I would say. Haha, Just kidding…dick. I’m not even gonna try to beat that in this edition. Anyways, week 2 has some seriously badass matchups that we aren’t picking, and some that we are, but regardless as the competition increases, the tension/entertainment rises exponentially, and thus begins the weeding out of potential BCS suitors! Oh yea, I just got on Twitter (something I said I’d never do), so start following me and I maybe I’ll start talking shit!
http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey
El Gran Mono
If you aren’t already aware, ESPN and the BCS have cancelled the rest of Boise State’s season. The Broncos are the de facto team to beat and if you say otherwise you are a racist. So they are good, I get it, but that doesn’t mean they deserve to play in the championship…someone, just cut my internet connection. Hopefully, my picks get through the mails fast enough for the Thursday night game.
Bring on the first real week of football! And enjoy the trifecta of the BBoys via twitter all week long.
Malt Licker
The only positive thing I can take from last week’s Gators performance is that I decided against waking up at 7 am to make the trek up 75 to watch it in person. The combination of 16 bad snaps, Addazio’s banal play-calling and the oppressive Gainesville heat may have caused me to self-combust. Speaking of conflagrations in Gainesville, how bout that Dove Outreach Center? I only took one marketing class, but something tells me the burning of the holy text of another religion is not the best way to spread the good news. There is plenty of good news this weekend. The NFL kicks off and the amateurs bring us an especially attractive slate of games. Let’s hope they can live up to Monday night’s Boise State/Va Tech matchup. At the risk of appearing heretical, I did not mind seeing both Boise and Jacksonville State win. Whatever happened to the days of being allowed to enjoy a great football game without having to consider its speculated ramifications on the BCS travesty and its effect on my team?
Thursday, September 9, 2010
7:00pm
El Gran Mono
Auburn at Mississippi St (+2)
Miss State definitely handled a subpar Memphis State last week but the Plainsmen present a much tougher conquest. Cam Newton is a behemoth with run/pass ability that should easily exploit Miss State’s porous defense. The real question is whether Auburn can stop Dan Mullen’s super spread attack. The Bulldogs appear to have found a passing game this year but I might be drawing too many conclusions from the Memphis game. Last year, they were abysmal throwing the ball and relied almost entirely on the talents on Anthony Dixon. Expect to see four star recruit Tyler Russell for at least a series or two…or perhaps all of the series. I expect a high scoring affair with Cam and Gus Malzhan covering those two points.
Plainsmen 31
Bulldogs 28
ML
The Dell Swipers 28
The Bell Ringers 20
CB
Aubarn 23
Ms. State 21
Saturday, September 11, 2010
12:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
USF at Florida (-16.5)
One word: Snaps. No, I’m not channeling West Side Story, (God that was lame) I’m talking about snapping the ball. If you can’t get that right, it screws up timing; and that was the biggest demon from last week’s UF game. Who was ever worried we were gonna lose to Miami of freaking Ohio? Not this melon farmer. But now that we are playing a team that isn’t a total joke, it is time to start getting serious. Gators said they are as focused as ever and they will need to be this week. In re: the Bulls, USF fans used to be fun and loveable, but now since they’ve had some minor success in recent history, they have become total assholes. They root against UF every chance they get and even my hometown paper is forgetting where they come from. UF and FSU fans made that freaking sportspage and now they think USF is the big game when they can’t even hold onto their loyal first headcoach?? They think they are they shit, but they aren’t and to prove it to everyone, they hired Skip Holtz…A superstar at East Carolina!! Look if UF loses this game, it won’t be because we couldn’t handle BJ Daniels or the Bulls defense was insurmountable, it will be because we played like shit again…which I don’t see happening…
Bulls are Gator Bait 13
#1 Team in Florida 33
EGM
Bulls 10
Gators 27
ML
2nd class U 13
Hutt-Hutt SHIT! 27
Malt Licker
Georgia at South Carolina (-3)
First big SEC game of the year and as always, it’s the Dawgs meeting the Cocks in a tilt to determine who has the early inside track in the SEC East. I feel like I always pick SC, and I am going to do so again. Although Aaron Murray looked good against Lou-La last week, it did little to prepare him for Williams-Brice Stadium and their passionate fans. AJ Green’s NCAA-imposed absence will make it difficult for pRicht’s boys to put points on the board, and Spur-Dog may have found an offense. A sober Stephen Garcia and talented freshman Ace Sanders give the Ol’ Ball Coach plenty of cards to play. Look for a competitive game to be decided by 2 or 3 big plays.
Shorthanded Dogs 17
Big Play Cocks 23
CB
Sell Yo Jersey 20
Throw Yo Visor 19
EGM
Dawgs 20
Cocks 21
Malt Licker
Western Kentucky at Kentucky (-24)
The Joker’s Kats held off Luh-ville last week and welcome another non-conference patsy to Lexington. Another win this week will delay the annual “refocus” to hoops. The Hilltoppers went down hard to the Huskers last week, but I do not know much else about them other than their awesome mascot, Big Red. In 1990, WKU brought an unsuccessful lawsuit against an Italian television channel owned by Silvio Berlusconi, claiming that its mascot, Gabibbo, is an exact copy of Big Red. In covering the lawsuit, the New York Times business section described Gabibbo as a “better-dressed” Big Red. I think WKU should “borrow” the name Gabibbo and use it for special occasions.
Ciao Gabibbo 6
Did he say Chow or Chaw? 34
CB
Mid-Major in Life 3
Kentucky Play Defense Now 28
EGM
Hilltoppers 9
KY 38
2:00pm
Malt Licker
LSU at Vanderbilt (+10)
I’m all out of Vander-Dork and Cajun jokes, so I’m actually going to write about the game. LSU narrowly escaped last week against a depleted UNC. Watching them barely hold on, thanks to two drops in the last 10 seconds by the Zack Pianalto, the Tar Heel tight end, I realized that Les Miles is a lucky version of the Zooker. Think about it. They share the same confused expression on the sideline, the same incoherent disjointed responses to interviews, and the same ability to recruit. However, Les was kissed by an angel. He loses two games and advances to the BCS title game and the Zooker is famous for a website calling for his termination the same day he was hired. If the Zooker were coaching that game, the ball Pianalto missed would have bounced off his shoulder pads into the belly of an offensive guard, who would then pirouette around a linebacker for the clinching score.
Still Lucky 34
Still Dorky 14
CB
Tigers Can’t Close (sorta) 27
Vandy Can’t Score (enough) 13
EGM
Tigers 34
Vandy 17
7:00pm
El Gran Mono
Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas (-34)
LaMo can’t stop the run or the pass. Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius. This won’t turn out well.
Warhawks 0
Arky 63
ML
Warhawks (Formerly Indians) 3
Hawgs 45
CB
First Game, ruh roh 10
Western Step-Child No More 50
Cuzzin Bailey
Oregon at Tennessee (+12)
The Ducks wiped the floor with their preseason opponent last week, tuning up New Mexico 72-0. Derek Dooley’s scumbag Volunteers outgunned Tennessee-Martin 50-0. So this week at least one defense is gonna finally be scored upon and let’s break this down a bit. Sure Oregon is traveling across the country to play in Neyland Stadium, but they are No. 11 in the nation. This isn’t some second rate high school team from some backwoods Tennessee town like Clarksville (that’s in Montgomery County). I like the Ducks offense to not skip a beat after losing the criminal Masoli to the Rebels. Giving the Vols 12 seems like an awful lot, and that’s what makes this pretty difficult. I think if Oregon can take the crowd out of it early (and we’ve all seen that happen) send them packing back to their trailer parks to drink ‘shine and beat their wives, this could get out of hand…
DUCK Hillbilly! 28
Here comes the back of my hand! 24
EGM
Ducks 34
Vols 24
ML
Attackin’ Quackers 24
Vol Defense 19
El Gran Mono
Penn State at Alabama (-10.5)
Lots of Penn State faithful here in the DC area, therefore, I’m constantly getting an earful of their nonsense. Running the ball, blah blah, strong defense, blah blah, tradition, blah blah. Those same fans are about to meet a team who actually uses those aspects of the game to win championships. Bama lost a number of stud players from last year, but they are still sporting a stud offensive/defensive line along with Mark Ingram, Trent Richardson, and Julio Jones. Its doubtful that Ingram will play, but with Richardson taking the bulk of the carries the Tide won’t lose a step. Penn State will be starting a frosh Qb and I expect they will be completely shut down. On the other side of the coin, Penn State might stop Bama for awhile but their defense will eventually get tired. This could get really ugly in the second half…
Nittany Lions 3
Bama 34
ML
Plain White Helmets 13
Almost Plain Red Helmets 24
CB
Frosh QBs Come to Die 17
Don’t Need Ingram 28
9:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
Ole Miss at Tulane (+21)
I don’t know much about Tulane, but after last week, how is it even possible that this spread is so high? They HAVE to be better than Jax State right? Still I don’t think anyone thinks that the Rebels are as bad as it last week’s game would make them seem. That was one of those flukey scenarios where they got up big early and then just fell asleep at the wheel. Now if they were a top tier team, no way Ole Miss lets that happen, but still they aren’t total junk…right? I mean what was with the switching out the QBs like that, I mean they just won a huge legal battle getting the convict on the field, let him flash his shit! This ain’t Shaun King’s Tulane team. That being said, they barely squeaked by Southeastern Louisiana last week. Ole Miss’ loss was an aberration, that win was up to speed with the Green Wave’s capabilities. I hate the points, but the Rebel Alliance may be looking to impress some folks and torture a weaker opponent…
Revenge the Loss, Party Later 35
Hey man, we’re just HERE to Party 13
EGM
Rebs 38
Green Wave 20
ML
We Lose to Jax State 30
We Lose to Everyone 10
Ugh, that was one of the worst “first” week’s I have had in a long time. I had too much faith in out of conference opponents that usually play tough, and put even more unwise faith in some SEC teams ability to dismiss the lesser ones. Hats off to El Gran Mono for his hilarious 90210/SEC comparison last week; it was a hit all throughout Cuzzin Bailey’s world. Took the cake, one would say. “Best Bboys entry ever,” others would say. Screw You, I would say. Haha, Just kidding…dick. I’m not even gonna try to beat that in this edition. Anyways, week 2 has some seriously badass matchups that we aren’t picking, and some that we are, but regardless as the competition increases, the tension/entertainment rises exponentially, and thus begins the weeding out of potential BCS suitors! Oh yea, I just got on Twitter (something I said I’d never do), so start following me and I maybe I’ll start talking shit!
http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey
El Gran Mono
If you aren’t already aware, ESPN and the BCS have cancelled the rest of Boise State’s season. The Broncos are the de facto team to beat and if you say otherwise you are a racist. So they are good, I get it, but that doesn’t mean they deserve to play in the championship…someone, just cut my internet connection. Hopefully, my picks get through the mails fast enough for the Thursday night game.
Bring on the first real week of football! And enjoy the trifecta of the BBoys via twitter all week long.
Malt Licker
The only positive thing I can take from last week’s Gators performance is that I decided against waking up at 7 am to make the trek up 75 to watch it in person. The combination of 16 bad snaps, Addazio’s banal play-calling and the oppressive Gainesville heat may have caused me to self-combust. Speaking of conflagrations in Gainesville, how bout that Dove Outreach Center? I only took one marketing class, but something tells me the burning of the holy text of another religion is not the best way to spread the good news. There is plenty of good news this weekend. The NFL kicks off and the amateurs bring us an especially attractive slate of games. Let’s hope they can live up to Monday night’s Boise State/Va Tech matchup. At the risk of appearing heretical, I did not mind seeing both Boise and Jacksonville State win. Whatever happened to the days of being allowed to enjoy a great football game without having to consider its speculated ramifications on the BCS travesty and its effect on my team?
Thursday, September 9, 2010
7:00pm
El Gran Mono
Auburn at Mississippi St (+2)
Miss State definitely handled a subpar Memphis State last week but the Plainsmen present a much tougher conquest. Cam Newton is a behemoth with run/pass ability that should easily exploit Miss State’s porous defense. The real question is whether Auburn can stop Dan Mullen’s super spread attack. The Bulldogs appear to have found a passing game this year but I might be drawing too many conclusions from the Memphis game. Last year, they were abysmal throwing the ball and relied almost entirely on the talents on Anthony Dixon. Expect to see four star recruit Tyler Russell for at least a series or two…or perhaps all of the series. I expect a high scoring affair with Cam and Gus Malzhan covering those two points.
Plainsmen 31
Bulldogs 28
ML
The Dell Swipers 28
The Bell Ringers 20
CB
Aubarn 23
Ms. State 21
Saturday, September 11, 2010
12:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
USF at Florida (-16.5)
One word: Snaps. No, I’m not channeling West Side Story, (God that was lame) I’m talking about snapping the ball. If you can’t get that right, it screws up timing; and that was the biggest demon from last week’s UF game. Who was ever worried we were gonna lose to Miami of freaking Ohio? Not this melon farmer. But now that we are playing a team that isn’t a total joke, it is time to start getting serious. Gators said they are as focused as ever and they will need to be this week. In re: the Bulls, USF fans used to be fun and loveable, but now since they’ve had some minor success in recent history, they have become total assholes. They root against UF every chance they get and even my hometown paper is forgetting where they come from. UF and FSU fans made that freaking sportspage and now they think USF is the big game when they can’t even hold onto their loyal first headcoach?? They think they are they shit, but they aren’t and to prove it to everyone, they hired Skip Holtz…A superstar at East Carolina!! Look if UF loses this game, it won’t be because we couldn’t handle BJ Daniels or the Bulls defense was insurmountable, it will be because we played like shit again…which I don’t see happening…
Bulls are Gator Bait 13
#1 Team in Florida 33
EGM
Bulls 10
Gators 27
ML
2nd class U 13
Hutt-Hutt SHIT! 27
Malt Licker
Georgia at South Carolina (-3)
First big SEC game of the year and as always, it’s the Dawgs meeting the Cocks in a tilt to determine who has the early inside track in the SEC East. I feel like I always pick SC, and I am going to do so again. Although Aaron Murray looked good against Lou-La last week, it did little to prepare him for Williams-Brice Stadium and their passionate fans. AJ Green’s NCAA-imposed absence will make it difficult for pRicht’s boys to put points on the board, and Spur-Dog may have found an offense. A sober Stephen Garcia and talented freshman Ace Sanders give the Ol’ Ball Coach plenty of cards to play. Look for a competitive game to be decided by 2 or 3 big plays.
Shorthanded Dogs 17
Big Play Cocks 23
CB
Sell Yo Jersey 20
Throw Yo Visor 19
EGM
Dawgs 20
Cocks 21
Malt Licker
Western Kentucky at Kentucky (-24)
The Joker’s Kats held off Luh-ville last week and welcome another non-conference patsy to Lexington. Another win this week will delay the annual “refocus” to hoops. The Hilltoppers went down hard to the Huskers last week, but I do not know much else about them other than their awesome mascot, Big Red. In 1990, WKU brought an unsuccessful lawsuit against an Italian television channel owned by Silvio Berlusconi, claiming that its mascot, Gabibbo, is an exact copy of Big Red. In covering the lawsuit, the New York Times business section described Gabibbo as a “better-dressed” Big Red. I think WKU should “borrow” the name Gabibbo and use it for special occasions.
Ciao Gabibbo 6
Did he say Chow or Chaw? 34
CB
Mid-Major in Life 3
Kentucky Play Defense Now 28
EGM
Hilltoppers 9
KY 38
2:00pm
Malt Licker
LSU at Vanderbilt (+10)
I’m all out of Vander-Dork and Cajun jokes, so I’m actually going to write about the game. LSU narrowly escaped last week against a depleted UNC. Watching them barely hold on, thanks to two drops in the last 10 seconds by the Zack Pianalto, the Tar Heel tight end, I realized that Les Miles is a lucky version of the Zooker. Think about it. They share the same confused expression on the sideline, the same incoherent disjointed responses to interviews, and the same ability to recruit. However, Les was kissed by an angel. He loses two games and advances to the BCS title game and the Zooker is famous for a website calling for his termination the same day he was hired. If the Zooker were coaching that game, the ball Pianalto missed would have bounced off his shoulder pads into the belly of an offensive guard, who would then pirouette around a linebacker for the clinching score.
Still Lucky 34
Still Dorky 14
CB
Tigers Can’t Close (sorta) 27
Vandy Can’t Score (enough) 13
EGM
Tigers 34
Vandy 17
7:00pm
El Gran Mono
Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas (-34)
LaMo can’t stop the run or the pass. Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius. This won’t turn out well.
Warhawks 0
Arky 63
ML
Warhawks (Formerly Indians) 3
Hawgs 45
CB
First Game, ruh roh 10
Western Step-Child No More 50
Cuzzin Bailey
Oregon at Tennessee (+12)
The Ducks wiped the floor with their preseason opponent last week, tuning up New Mexico 72-0. Derek Dooley’s scumbag Volunteers outgunned Tennessee-Martin 50-0. So this week at least one defense is gonna finally be scored upon and let’s break this down a bit. Sure Oregon is traveling across the country to play in Neyland Stadium, but they are No. 11 in the nation. This isn’t some second rate high school team from some backwoods Tennessee town like Clarksville (that’s in Montgomery County). I like the Ducks offense to not skip a beat after losing the criminal Masoli to the Rebels. Giving the Vols 12 seems like an awful lot, and that’s what makes this pretty difficult. I think if Oregon can take the crowd out of it early (and we’ve all seen that happen) send them packing back to their trailer parks to drink ‘shine and beat their wives, this could get out of hand…
DUCK Hillbilly! 28
Here comes the back of my hand! 24
EGM
Ducks 34
Vols 24
ML
Attackin’ Quackers 24
Vol Defense 19
El Gran Mono
Penn State at Alabama (-10.5)
Lots of Penn State faithful here in the DC area, therefore, I’m constantly getting an earful of their nonsense. Running the ball, blah blah, strong defense, blah blah, tradition, blah blah. Those same fans are about to meet a team who actually uses those aspects of the game to win championships. Bama lost a number of stud players from last year, but they are still sporting a stud offensive/defensive line along with Mark Ingram, Trent Richardson, and Julio Jones. Its doubtful that Ingram will play, but with Richardson taking the bulk of the carries the Tide won’t lose a step. Penn State will be starting a frosh Qb and I expect they will be completely shut down. On the other side of the coin, Penn State might stop Bama for awhile but their defense will eventually get tired. This could get really ugly in the second half…
Nittany Lions 3
Bama 34
ML
Plain White Helmets 13
Almost Plain Red Helmets 24
CB
Frosh QBs Come to Die 17
Don’t Need Ingram 28
9:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
Ole Miss at Tulane (+21)
I don’t know much about Tulane, but after last week, how is it even possible that this spread is so high? They HAVE to be better than Jax State right? Still I don’t think anyone thinks that the Rebels are as bad as it last week’s game would make them seem. That was one of those flukey scenarios where they got up big early and then just fell asleep at the wheel. Now if they were a top tier team, no way Ole Miss lets that happen, but still they aren’t total junk…right? I mean what was with the switching out the QBs like that, I mean they just won a huge legal battle getting the convict on the field, let him flash his shit! This ain’t Shaun King’s Tulane team. That being said, they barely squeaked by Southeastern Louisiana last week. Ole Miss’ loss was an aberration, that win was up to speed with the Green Wave’s capabilities. I hate the points, but the Rebel Alliance may be looking to impress some folks and torture a weaker opponent…
Revenge the Loss, Party Later 35
Hey man, we’re just HERE to Party 13
EGM
Rebs 38
Green Wave 20
ML
We Lose to Jax State 30
We Lose to Everyone 10
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK I
Malt Licker
An article from Pat Dooley in this week’s Sun reminds us that it was only 20 years ago when the University of Florida was still searching for its first official conference title. Now, 8 SEC Championships, 3 national championships, and 2 Heisman Trophy winners later, we find ourselves once again in the preseason top 5. Hard to believe. I’ll take another twenty years like the previous twenty, but I know Urb’s hell bent on topping it. Will that desire lead us to unprecedented heights, or Meyer’s early retirement? Perhaps both. Barring injury, this week will have no bearing on the rest of the season. The entire slate throughout the conference is a steaming pile of crap.
Cuzzin Bailey
As I sit here having a few Tecate beers, a few things come to mind. 1) Do they use Mexican water to make this beer? If so, this may be a short contribution by the Cuz; 2) Is there any more an exciting time then the first College Football week? Finally, all of the speculation and the off-season stories can be resolved and matters may be settled on the field. The smell of bourbon and burgers in the air that comes stock with SEC football; 3) Other than being ranked in the top 5 by the AP and Coaches, the Gators seem to flying WAY under the radar compared to the past few years, and I must say, I love this; and 4) Am I the only one that can’t wait for Va Tech to kick the shit out of Boise State? It is oh so important that the Hokies take care of business this week, because if they do not, the Broncos have a cake walk schedule into Glendale, AZ at the end of the season. I just looked at their schedule and other than V-Tech, the toughest game they have is against Oregon State, which, I know, isn’t exactly easy. They play teams others schedule as pre-season games. Anyways, I’m sure it will all work out in the end, but I figured I would express my concerns immediately with all of you. Well, I hope yall aren’t looking for anything too in-depth this week as I have no idea what to expect, but hell hardly any of these games matter…SO let’s do this and GO GATORS!
El Gran Mono
Football is back!! And on 9/02/10 no less. In honor of my favorite TV show, lets go through a who's who in the SEC this year.
Bama - Brandon Walsh - Consistent, polished look. Annoyingly good. When they make mistakes, they are big mistakes. Drunk driving accidents, paying players, gambling with bookies (and having your boss pay them off), hiring player's fathers, sleeping with their professor's wife, coaches sleeping with their secretary, calling your recent ex a lesbian, firing your coach for having their picture taken with a stripper.
Florida - Brenda Walsh - Can look really hot when firing on all cylinders. At times, nothing can get in the way of saving animals, winning Nat'l Champsionships, and getting Dylan McKay back - not even FBI stings, Kelly Taylor, or the Alabama defense/Oklahoma offense. However, also prone to being a hothead leading to poor results - extreme spread against good defenses, marrying Stuart to piss Jim McKay off, failure to tackle against Bama, and moving in with Dylan at age 16.
Georgia - Kelly Taylor - Attractive and well groomed but full of lingering doubts. Whether its inability to communicate with a wayward father, self-image problems (despite weighing 100lbs with a smoking body), or the sense of impending doom before the annual loss to a hated rival.
LSU - Dylan McKay - Always a wild card. Despite winning Nat'l Championships or riding high on a $10 million trust fund, a coke/heroine/hooker depression fest or 7-5 season is never far away. Also, very dangerous, may throw batteries/glassware at opposing fans, ride/work on motorcycles, drink to extreme excess, or pull firearms on friends.
South Carolina - David Silver - Mildly talented but can't get over the hump. Penchant for winning the high school talent show and recruiting well but when it comes to rising to the top, it never seems to happen. Sure, you can go 6-0 or play backup keyboard for Babyface but you always end up with four losses and a Friday night sexless date with Donna Martin.
Ole Miss - Donna Martin - Poor clothing choices, worse grooming, and an inclination for false appearances. Perceived as wholesome, but in reality just trust funded morons who think they are way better than they are (see firing of Cutcliffe, attempt to become fashion designer).
Arkansas - Valerie Malone - Curvy and dangerous with lots of fast receivers and a strong armed QB. Extremely potent, but hollow inside. Lots of demons, whether its from killing their sexually abusive father, firing their most successful coach, or blowing fourth quarter leads in big games. Always hating/loving their home town (SWC or Buffalo).
Tennesssee - Nat Bussichio - Lots of succcess in the past but always on the brink of collapse. The Peach Pit can be thriving hangout for celebrities or it can be bankrupt the next day because of a decision to install a Karoke machine (Win SEC East one year, go 6-6 the next year).
Auburn - Steve Sanders - Always second fiddle despite a pretty good track record. You drive a new Corvette at all times, become President of your fraternity, go undefeated twice, and constantly compete for the conference title yet no one seems to respect you. Maybe its the haircut or three nicknames?
Kentucky - Ray Pruitt - Always talking about "your world", be it management of a pumpkin patch, working construction or winning basketball games. Evil at heart - i.e. - domestic abuse, Calipari...
Vanderbilt - Andrea Zuckerman-Vazquez - Ugly, irritating, perceived as smart. Everyone can't wait for them to leave.
Missisippi State - Jesse Vazquez - Lawyer, member of prestigous conference. Lots of losing, marriage to ugly, self-involved woman. Appearances can be deceptive...
You can follow EGM's rants all week long on Twitter: @elgranmono1865
September 2, 2010
Malt Licker
Southern Miss at South Carolina (-14) 7:30pm
It would be wrong to follow up my intro without bowing down to the Ol’ Ball Coach. Since the ‘Cocks might be the biggest competition for the Gators in the East, I’ll need to get it out of my system. Soon, he will be the enemy. The Cocks kickoff the season on a Thursday yet again, this time against a talented squad from Southern Miss. Rumor has it Stephen Garcia is on the wagon, but he can be DC-era Cuzzin’ Bailey hammered this week, as Spur-Dog’s experienced defensive front will take advantage of the Eagles young offensive line and shut out Favre’s boys from Hattiesburg.
Golden Iggles 0
G-Cocks 23
CB
Suthun Mess 13
Sorth Carolina 26
EGM
Golden Eagles - 14
Cocks - 31
September 4, 2010
12:00pm
Malt Licker
Miami (OH) at Florida (-35)
I’ve considered not writing about any games we play against our September sub-standard competition, as a silent protest. I don’t know if our circulation is expansive enough to generate much of a fuss in Foley’s office, so tell your friends about us! The Red Hawks Zac Dysert is supposed to be the top QB in the MAC, which is sort of like being the whitest dude in Somalia. I know Gators are excited for the John Brantley era to begin, but really, it will be exactly like all of his previous appearances. He’ll be lighting up another overmatched secondary.
Redmen 3
UF 54
CB
Meeami de Ohio 7
FLORIDA GATORS! 54
EGM
Redmen 6
Gators 48
12:20pm
Malt Licker
Louisiana-Lafayette at Georgia (-28)
Lou-La vs. Jawja. The Ragin’ Cajuns arrive in Athens, who can finally lay claim to the #1 ranking in something, partying. No doubt Mike “Temperence” Brown lit up Bernie Macheninajad’s phone line to find out how to lower their ranking. Did you know the Cajun’s mascot is an anthromorphic cayenne pepper with the rather unimaginative name of….Cayenne.
Creole U 6
Dawgs 31
CB
LA-Laf 6
Jawga 50
EGM
Rajin' Cajunz 13
UGA 31
3:30pm
El Gran Mono
Jacksonville State at Ole Miss (NL)
No Masoli. Those two words might sum up the Rebs season. Although, whatever hack Ole Miss comes up with to start may not be much worse than hyper-average Jevan Snead from a year ago. The biggest loss to overcome for the Rebels will be Dexter McCluster. He was basically their entire offense. When they were using him 30 times a game, they looked very good. When they were trying the traditional offense with an average back and Jevan Snead "breaking down" defenses, they looked very bad. I like Nutt. Not so much for his coaching prowess but for his enthusiam. He always seems to have good teams even though they look crappy on paper. Maybe he'll pull another Matt Jones out of a hat. I refuse to discuss a game involving Jax (not in FL) State.
Jax St 7
Rebs 48
ML
The Nicer Jacksonville State University 9
Ole Piss 41
CB
Jax State 10
Ole Miss 40
El Gran Mono
Kentucky at Louisville (+3.5)
In years past, Louisville was always the better team in this game. All of that changed when Steve Kragthorpe took that program into a death spiral.
KY's new coach Joker Phillips inherits a pretty decent offense except for an inexperienced line. Randall Cobb is one of the best players in the SEC and I'm sure Joker will try to get him involved early and often. That should be the difference between these two teams.
Kats 24
Cards 20
ML
Joker’s Kats 27
Charlie’s Cards 20
CB
Ky Sluts 23
Louisville Sluggah 32
6:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee (NL)
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, leave it to an ass like Lane Kiffin to make martyrs out of Al Davis and Tennessee. For a brief moment, my “I told you so” attitude to the Vols’ fans subsided to actual sympathy for letting themselves get played by that grifter. He and his dad, Monte, are such sell-out scumbags and yes I remember what the elder did for the Bucs, but now he is dead to me. In regards to UT, they have hired another son with an infamous father. Vince Dooley is the biggest POS the SEC ever saw. When he wasn’t busy paying off Hershel Walker he was rallying the other SEC ADs to screw over UF in the 80s. He single handedly cost the Gators 2 SEC and at least 1 National Championship. That’s a hell of a way to make a name for yourself. Now Dooley’s kid is the HC at UT and he brings his .500 record at La-Tech to the SEC. I would call it the shortest stint as a head coach in this league, but Lame pretty much made that impossible to match. In regards to the game, you’re looking at a straight up walkover. Sure the Vols lost Bryce Brown but they have plenty of thugs with guns to replace him.
T-Martin (not Tee Martin) 10
We like Hiring Son’s of Scum 45
EGM
Tenn-Martin 7
Vols 38
ML
Skyhawks 6
Jilted Vols 34
7:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee Tech at Arkansas (NL)
Back in December, on a layover, we ran into the Razorbacks at the Peabody in Memphis. Bobby Petrino was everything he has been billed out to be, a total dick. That doesn’t mean he has a shitty team though. They are tough, and have brought back Ryan Mallet, who the experts predict to have a great year. He’s the best, most experienced QB in the SEC and that means Arkansas with make a serious run at the SEC West this year. This game has nothing to do with that. Stock warm up game versus…Tennessee Tech…Seriously, what does the Tech stand for hahahahaha!
Technical Knock Out 6
Arkansizzle 50
EGM
Tenn Tech 10
Hawgs 58
ML
Formerly Dixie College 6
Formerly in Southwest Conference 49
El Gran Mono
San Jose at Alabama (-38.5)
Did you hear Mark Ingram was hurt? Ok, just making sure. I think ESPN actually published the results of his MRI. Its an easy/non-controversial story that allows their panoply of shitty talking heads to over speculate about a non-existing problem. Why non-existing? Because they are playing San Jose State at home and Trent Richardson is probably the second best back in the SEC.
SJS 3
Bama 49
ML
Not Costa Rica 0
Not going undefeated 31
CB
San Hosay 0
Bammer 40
Cuzzin Bailey
Arkansas State at Auburn (-31)
Let me be clear, I totally hate Auburn, they are the bane of my SEC life. They host us in that rat-town of theirs, they always win by 1 or 2 or 3 or some small margin; they come to UF and upset a perfectly great season. If you ever find yourself in cow country aka the Plains, don’t fall for their phony charm. They are lying through their tooth about how they just want “y’all to take it easy on us.” It drives me crazy, its like they all take a class on how to faux-humility. Anyways, my point is, I always kind of liked Tommy Tuberville. Sure he coached these punks, and sure he dissed Ole Miss for a team in his own division, but at least he was wild and crazy. Gene Chizik is neither wild, nor crazy and coaches pretty well. And to make matters worse, he’s a Gator. A personality-less, Gator, coaching the enemy; two out of three does this guy in. Arkansas-State is leading the Sun Belt Conference this week simply because of alphabetical order. They finished 4-8 last year and aren’t lined up to do much better…should be a sleeper in crap-town USA.
Ark-State 13
Aw-Barn 45
EGM
Arky State 7
Plainsmen 41
ML
Lobos Rojo 3
Plainsmen 52
El Gran Mono
Memphis at Mississippi State (-21.5)
Its pretty hard to believe that Miss State is a 21+ point favorite over any D-IA team. I guess Dan Mullen deserves some props for that alone. Speaking of Mullen, I imagine that his system should be better implemented this year resulting in a pulse rate of somewhere around 50 as opposed to near flatlining levels a year ago.
Cannon Smith (former Cane) should start for Memphis. I doubt that makes a difference.
Memphis State 10
Dawgs 28
ML
Memph St 10
Mess St 34
CB
‘Frica 14
NO MORE COWBELL 30
7:30pm
Malt Licker
Northwestern at Vanderbilt (+5.5)
It’s the battle of overmatched private douche universities who should probably join the Ivy League! Vanderdork lost a good coach to an unexpected retirement and will probably languish at the bottom of the nation’s best conference for another century. Meanwhile, Pat Fitzgerald took over for Randy Walker and is trying to lead NU to their third consecutive bowl. The ‘Dores lost 26 lettermen and will have trouble covering against the Cats, even at home.
Evanston U 24
Nashville U 14
CB
North Smarts 23
South Smarts 19
EGM
NW 28
Vandy 17
8:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
LSU v. North Carolina (at Atlanta) (LSU -3)
Game of the Week! Well, actually we didn’t discuss that, but this is definitely supposed to be the best game involving the SEC. Think of it in Spaghetti Western terms: if this were The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, this would be Clint Eastwood. UNC has the misfortune of currently being investigated by the NCAA for recruiting violations and academic fraud. And because some of the guys on the current roster have yet to be cleared by the Gestapo, if they play in any games and are then found to be ineligible, they games they participated in will be forfeited. Butch “the Cheat” Davis doesn’t have the stones to play guys like that. Meanwhile LSU is probably wondering how much longer they are gonna let Les Miles do nothing with such talent. The Tigers have been starting off slow these past few years, and the Tar Heels are supposed to have a great Defense (maybe the best in the country) and that will certainly cause problems for LSU and QB Jordan Jefferson (standard LSU player, loads of talent but not proven). I guess its just a good thing that white redneck ain’t behind center anymore…But regardless of how much I dislike these tigers, I’m still rooting for the SEC here. Hopefully they have a guy with a Cajun name to make fun of this season. This just in…UNC’s Marvin Austin has been suspended and the Heels may be playing IronMan this weekend HAHA!…Just made my decision a little be easier.
Tigahs 24
TahHeels 17
EGM
Cajuns 28
Tarheels 13
ML
Tiguhz 23
Heeyulz 21
An article from Pat Dooley in this week’s Sun reminds us that it was only 20 years ago when the University of Florida was still searching for its first official conference title. Now, 8 SEC Championships, 3 national championships, and 2 Heisman Trophy winners later, we find ourselves once again in the preseason top 5. Hard to believe. I’ll take another twenty years like the previous twenty, but I know Urb’s hell bent on topping it. Will that desire lead us to unprecedented heights, or Meyer’s early retirement? Perhaps both. Barring injury, this week will have no bearing on the rest of the season. The entire slate throughout the conference is a steaming pile of crap.
Cuzzin Bailey
As I sit here having a few Tecate beers, a few things come to mind. 1) Do they use Mexican water to make this beer? If so, this may be a short contribution by the Cuz; 2) Is there any more an exciting time then the first College Football week? Finally, all of the speculation and the off-season stories can be resolved and matters may be settled on the field. The smell of bourbon and burgers in the air that comes stock with SEC football; 3) Other than being ranked in the top 5 by the AP and Coaches, the Gators seem to flying WAY under the radar compared to the past few years, and I must say, I love this; and 4) Am I the only one that can’t wait for Va Tech to kick the shit out of Boise State? It is oh so important that the Hokies take care of business this week, because if they do not, the Broncos have a cake walk schedule into Glendale, AZ at the end of the season. I just looked at their schedule and other than V-Tech, the toughest game they have is against Oregon State, which, I know, isn’t exactly easy. They play teams others schedule as pre-season games. Anyways, I’m sure it will all work out in the end, but I figured I would express my concerns immediately with all of you. Well, I hope yall aren’t looking for anything too in-depth this week as I have no idea what to expect, but hell hardly any of these games matter…SO let’s do this and GO GATORS!
El Gran Mono
Football is back!! And on 9/02/10 no less. In honor of my favorite TV show, lets go through a who's who in the SEC this year.
Bama - Brandon Walsh - Consistent, polished look. Annoyingly good. When they make mistakes, they are big mistakes. Drunk driving accidents, paying players, gambling with bookies (and having your boss pay them off), hiring player's fathers, sleeping with their professor's wife, coaches sleeping with their secretary, calling your recent ex a lesbian, firing your coach for having their picture taken with a stripper.
Florida - Brenda Walsh - Can look really hot when firing on all cylinders. At times, nothing can get in the way of saving animals, winning Nat'l Champsionships, and getting Dylan McKay back - not even FBI stings, Kelly Taylor, or the Alabama defense/Oklahoma offense. However, also prone to being a hothead leading to poor results - extreme spread against good defenses, marrying Stuart to piss Jim McKay off, failure to tackle against Bama, and moving in with Dylan at age 16.
Georgia - Kelly Taylor - Attractive and well groomed but full of lingering doubts. Whether its inability to communicate with a wayward father, self-image problems (despite weighing 100lbs with a smoking body), or the sense of impending doom before the annual loss to a hated rival.
LSU - Dylan McKay - Always a wild card. Despite winning Nat'l Championships or riding high on a $10 million trust fund, a coke/heroine/hooker depression fest or 7-5 season is never far away. Also, very dangerous, may throw batteries/glassware at opposing fans, ride/work on motorcycles, drink to extreme excess, or pull firearms on friends.
South Carolina - David Silver - Mildly talented but can't get over the hump. Penchant for winning the high school talent show and recruiting well but when it comes to rising to the top, it never seems to happen. Sure, you can go 6-0 or play backup keyboard for Babyface but you always end up with four losses and a Friday night sexless date with Donna Martin.
Ole Miss - Donna Martin - Poor clothing choices, worse grooming, and an inclination for false appearances. Perceived as wholesome, but in reality just trust funded morons who think they are way better than they are (see firing of Cutcliffe, attempt to become fashion designer).
Arkansas - Valerie Malone - Curvy and dangerous with lots of fast receivers and a strong armed QB. Extremely potent, but hollow inside. Lots of demons, whether its from killing their sexually abusive father, firing their most successful coach, or blowing fourth quarter leads in big games. Always hating/loving their home town (SWC or Buffalo).
Tennesssee - Nat Bussichio - Lots of succcess in the past but always on the brink of collapse. The Peach Pit can be thriving hangout for celebrities or it can be bankrupt the next day because of a decision to install a Karoke machine (Win SEC East one year, go 6-6 the next year).
Auburn - Steve Sanders - Always second fiddle despite a pretty good track record. You drive a new Corvette at all times, become President of your fraternity, go undefeated twice, and constantly compete for the conference title yet no one seems to respect you. Maybe its the haircut or three nicknames?
Kentucky - Ray Pruitt - Always talking about "your world", be it management of a pumpkin patch, working construction or winning basketball games. Evil at heart - i.e. - domestic abuse, Calipari...
Vanderbilt - Andrea Zuckerman-Vazquez - Ugly, irritating, perceived as smart. Everyone can't wait for them to leave.
Missisippi State - Jesse Vazquez - Lawyer, member of prestigous conference. Lots of losing, marriage to ugly, self-involved woman. Appearances can be deceptive...
You can follow EGM's rants all week long on Twitter: @elgranmono1865
September 2, 2010
Malt Licker
Southern Miss at South Carolina (-14) 7:30pm
It would be wrong to follow up my intro without bowing down to the Ol’ Ball Coach. Since the ‘Cocks might be the biggest competition for the Gators in the East, I’ll need to get it out of my system. Soon, he will be the enemy. The Cocks kickoff the season on a Thursday yet again, this time against a talented squad from Southern Miss. Rumor has it Stephen Garcia is on the wagon, but he can be DC-era Cuzzin’ Bailey hammered this week, as Spur-Dog’s experienced defensive front will take advantage of the Eagles young offensive line and shut out Favre’s boys from Hattiesburg.
Golden Iggles 0
G-Cocks 23
CB
Suthun Mess 13
Sorth Carolina 26
EGM
Golden Eagles - 14
Cocks - 31
September 4, 2010
12:00pm
Malt Licker
Miami (OH) at Florida (-35)
I’ve considered not writing about any games we play against our September sub-standard competition, as a silent protest. I don’t know if our circulation is expansive enough to generate much of a fuss in Foley’s office, so tell your friends about us! The Red Hawks Zac Dysert is supposed to be the top QB in the MAC, which is sort of like being the whitest dude in Somalia. I know Gators are excited for the John Brantley era to begin, but really, it will be exactly like all of his previous appearances. He’ll be lighting up another overmatched secondary.
Redmen 3
UF 54
CB
Meeami de Ohio 7
FLORIDA GATORS! 54
EGM
Redmen 6
Gators 48
12:20pm
Malt Licker
Louisiana-Lafayette at Georgia (-28)
Lou-La vs. Jawja. The Ragin’ Cajuns arrive in Athens, who can finally lay claim to the #1 ranking in something, partying. No doubt Mike “Temperence” Brown lit up Bernie Macheninajad’s phone line to find out how to lower their ranking. Did you know the Cajun’s mascot is an anthromorphic cayenne pepper with the rather unimaginative name of….Cayenne.
Creole U 6
Dawgs 31
CB
LA-Laf 6
Jawga 50
EGM
Rajin' Cajunz 13
UGA 31
3:30pm
El Gran Mono
Jacksonville State at Ole Miss (NL)
No Masoli. Those two words might sum up the Rebs season. Although, whatever hack Ole Miss comes up with to start may not be much worse than hyper-average Jevan Snead from a year ago. The biggest loss to overcome for the Rebels will be Dexter McCluster. He was basically their entire offense. When they were using him 30 times a game, they looked very good. When they were trying the traditional offense with an average back and Jevan Snead "breaking down" defenses, they looked very bad. I like Nutt. Not so much for his coaching prowess but for his enthusiam. He always seems to have good teams even though they look crappy on paper. Maybe he'll pull another Matt Jones out of a hat. I refuse to discuss a game involving Jax (not in FL) State.
Jax St 7
Rebs 48
ML
The Nicer Jacksonville State University 9
Ole Piss 41
CB
Jax State 10
Ole Miss 40
El Gran Mono
Kentucky at Louisville (+3.5)
In years past, Louisville was always the better team in this game. All of that changed when Steve Kragthorpe took that program into a death spiral.
KY's new coach Joker Phillips inherits a pretty decent offense except for an inexperienced line. Randall Cobb is one of the best players in the SEC and I'm sure Joker will try to get him involved early and often. That should be the difference between these two teams.
Kats 24
Cards 20
ML
Joker’s Kats 27
Charlie’s Cards 20
CB
Ky Sluts 23
Louisville Sluggah 32
6:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee (NL)
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, leave it to an ass like Lane Kiffin to make martyrs out of Al Davis and Tennessee. For a brief moment, my “I told you so” attitude to the Vols’ fans subsided to actual sympathy for letting themselves get played by that grifter. He and his dad, Monte, are such sell-out scumbags and yes I remember what the elder did for the Bucs, but now he is dead to me. In regards to UT, they have hired another son with an infamous father. Vince Dooley is the biggest POS the SEC ever saw. When he wasn’t busy paying off Hershel Walker he was rallying the other SEC ADs to screw over UF in the 80s. He single handedly cost the Gators 2 SEC and at least 1 National Championship. That’s a hell of a way to make a name for yourself. Now Dooley’s kid is the HC at UT and he brings his .500 record at La-Tech to the SEC. I would call it the shortest stint as a head coach in this league, but Lame pretty much made that impossible to match. In regards to the game, you’re looking at a straight up walkover. Sure the Vols lost Bryce Brown but they have plenty of thugs with guns to replace him.
T-Martin (not Tee Martin) 10
We like Hiring Son’s of Scum 45
EGM
Tenn-Martin 7
Vols 38
ML
Skyhawks 6
Jilted Vols 34
7:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee Tech at Arkansas (NL)
Back in December, on a layover, we ran into the Razorbacks at the Peabody in Memphis. Bobby Petrino was everything he has been billed out to be, a total dick. That doesn’t mean he has a shitty team though. They are tough, and have brought back Ryan Mallet, who the experts predict to have a great year. He’s the best, most experienced QB in the SEC and that means Arkansas with make a serious run at the SEC West this year. This game has nothing to do with that. Stock warm up game versus…Tennessee Tech…Seriously, what does the Tech stand for hahahahaha!
Technical Knock Out 6
Arkansizzle 50
EGM
Tenn Tech 10
Hawgs 58
ML
Formerly Dixie College 6
Formerly in Southwest Conference 49
El Gran Mono
San Jose at Alabama (-38.5)
Did you hear Mark Ingram was hurt? Ok, just making sure. I think ESPN actually published the results of his MRI. Its an easy/non-controversial story that allows their panoply of shitty talking heads to over speculate about a non-existing problem. Why non-existing? Because they are playing San Jose State at home and Trent Richardson is probably the second best back in the SEC.
SJS 3
Bama 49
ML
Not Costa Rica 0
Not going undefeated 31
CB
San Hosay 0
Bammer 40
Cuzzin Bailey
Arkansas State at Auburn (-31)
Let me be clear, I totally hate Auburn, they are the bane of my SEC life. They host us in that rat-town of theirs, they always win by 1 or 2 or 3 or some small margin; they come to UF and upset a perfectly great season. If you ever find yourself in cow country aka the Plains, don’t fall for their phony charm. They are lying through their tooth about how they just want “y’all to take it easy on us.” It drives me crazy, its like they all take a class on how to faux-humility. Anyways, my point is, I always kind of liked Tommy Tuberville. Sure he coached these punks, and sure he dissed Ole Miss for a team in his own division, but at least he was wild and crazy. Gene Chizik is neither wild, nor crazy and coaches pretty well. And to make matters worse, he’s a Gator. A personality-less, Gator, coaching the enemy; two out of three does this guy in. Arkansas-State is leading the Sun Belt Conference this week simply because of alphabetical order. They finished 4-8 last year and aren’t lined up to do much better…should be a sleeper in crap-town USA.
Ark-State 13
Aw-Barn 45
EGM
Arky State 7
Plainsmen 41
ML
Lobos Rojo 3
Plainsmen 52
El Gran Mono
Memphis at Mississippi State (-21.5)
Its pretty hard to believe that Miss State is a 21+ point favorite over any D-IA team. I guess Dan Mullen deserves some props for that alone. Speaking of Mullen, I imagine that his system should be better implemented this year resulting in a pulse rate of somewhere around 50 as opposed to near flatlining levels a year ago.
Cannon Smith (former Cane) should start for Memphis. I doubt that makes a difference.
Memphis State 10
Dawgs 28
ML
Memph St 10
Mess St 34
CB
‘Frica 14
NO MORE COWBELL 30
7:30pm
Malt Licker
Northwestern at Vanderbilt (+5.5)
It’s the battle of overmatched private douche universities who should probably join the Ivy League! Vanderdork lost a good coach to an unexpected retirement and will probably languish at the bottom of the nation’s best conference for another century. Meanwhile, Pat Fitzgerald took over for Randy Walker and is trying to lead NU to their third consecutive bowl. The ‘Dores lost 26 lettermen and will have trouble covering against the Cats, even at home.
Evanston U 24
Nashville U 14
CB
North Smarts 23
South Smarts 19
EGM
NW 28
Vandy 17
8:00pm
Cuzzin Bailey
LSU v. North Carolina (at Atlanta) (LSU -3)
Game of the Week! Well, actually we didn’t discuss that, but this is definitely supposed to be the best game involving the SEC. Think of it in Spaghetti Western terms: if this were The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, this would be Clint Eastwood. UNC has the misfortune of currently being investigated by the NCAA for recruiting violations and academic fraud. And because some of the guys on the current roster have yet to be cleared by the Gestapo, if they play in any games and are then found to be ineligible, they games they participated in will be forfeited. Butch “the Cheat” Davis doesn’t have the stones to play guys like that. Meanwhile LSU is probably wondering how much longer they are gonna let Les Miles do nothing with such talent. The Tigers have been starting off slow these past few years, and the Tar Heels are supposed to have a great Defense (maybe the best in the country) and that will certainly cause problems for LSU and QB Jordan Jefferson (standard LSU player, loads of talent but not proven). I guess its just a good thing that white redneck ain’t behind center anymore…But regardless of how much I dislike these tigers, I’m still rooting for the SEC here. Hopefully they have a guy with a Cajun name to make fun of this season. This just in…UNC’s Marvin Austin has been suspended and the Heels may be playing IronMan this weekend HAHA!…Just made my decision a little be easier.
Tigahs 24
TahHeels 17
EGM
Cajuns 28
Tarheels 13
ML
Tiguhz 23
Heeyulz 21
Friday, December 04, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC -- CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION
There’s only one game that matters to the Bourbon Boys this week. This is what we’ve been waiting for all year…its the SEC CHAMPIONSHIP! Let’s all hope for a good clean game that with zero discussion about the refs when its all over. On to the picks!!
12/5/09
4:00pm SEC Championship Game @ the Georgia Dome
Alabama v. Florida -6
Cuzzin Bailey
Since I have been studying so much lately, time hasn’t lent itself very much for thought about the game, so I guess I’ll start now. I have diligently watched both teams with the hope for this matchup, and now that I have it I’m not sure what to do about it. I will tell you that Tebow is a difference maker. I know that’s about as cliché as mentioning that he’s a big God boy, and roommates with Riley “the Hair” Cooper, but its so true. He IS our “3rd-and-anything” guy, he IS the one that makes something out of nothing, and he IS the best QB/athlete on the field in almost every game he plays. Bama’s Defense is outstanding. They are holding teams down with their smothering run D and linebacker play, but I think their secondary is a bit susceptible to blow coverage. I really have to throw the Auburn game out. The Tigers had nothing but trickeration going their way for the first 15-20 minutes, and after that they accomplished very little. On the flip side, UF’s defense is also their complete strength. Strong LBs and a solid line makes for the perfect recipe for stopping the run, which is HUGE this weekend. I have to think if we can minimize the damage caused by Richardson and Ingram, and put the weight of the game on the shoulders of Greg McElroy, the Gators have a great chance of winning this game again. Look for UF’s secondary to be the game changers if Bama looks to pass too early. That being said, the Tide’s QB looked pretty poised on that last drive to beat War Eagle last week, I guess its just a matter of not giving him ANY options with the run game. Also, I’m sure that Ingram is pretty “healthy” and will certainly play Saturday, but I am a little curious just how healthy he is…I wouldn’t be surprised if they were downplaying that hip-pointer all week just to keep UF on its toes. Either way, Richardson is a solid back and has certainly commanded attention in the Gator practices, (so that was probably just my journalistic instinct curious about Ingram). I guess when it comes down to it, I’m glad we have Tim Tebow, I’m glad there are so many haters out there, and I look for the haters’ hatred to grow exponentially come Saturday evening…
BAMA 17
FLORIDA 24
El Gran Mono
After a long year of stupid incidents and shitty playcalling, its finally time to decide the king of the SEC. Timmy and the Gators offense have regressed since a year ago and its not just the loss of Murphy and Harvin causing the problems. Tebow's release is ridiculously slow this year and his dcision making is even slower. Steve Addazio has attempted to avoid those problems by calling an excessive number of Brandon James screen passes and straight QB keepers. That said, the past two weeks we've seen more of the helter skelter style where Tebow is running more zone read and underneath passing plays. If the Gators make a commitment to pass on first down, they should have no problem exploiting an overrated Bama secondary. Bama will stuff anything vanilla that the Gators try to run.
As for the Tide, I've heard a lot of "they just like to play conservative" and "Saban likes to run" this week. Actually, if you look a some past LSU teams, Saban tends to go with whatever he has (including Rohan Davey chucking the ball around 40 times a game). The Tide have a good run blocking OL and some stud backs. They also have a shitty pass blocking OL and a QB who is very limited. At the beginning of the year, I thought McElroy was better than JPW. But as the season has gone along I've realized that he doesn't even have that small amount of playmaking ability that JPW.
Both defenses are great but UF's is more talented, they have only been fazed by a strong arm QB with the ability to throw the long routes to the corner. Bama will not be able to exploit that area. Bama will be lucky to score 10 points. Florida will score at least 17.
Tide rolling into New Orleans 6
Gatorwalking to Pasadena 20
Malt Licker
I can’t believe the regular season is already over, boy that flew by. After a most enjoyable Thanksgiving weekend, my stomach is in knots over this game verses Alabama. Mr. Dunlap added unneeded drama and distraction with his DUI. If only he were sober and being chased by a leggy Swede with a 3-iron. The ATL must be awash with Bama bangs and houndstooth caps. Hopefully the SEC will at least give us 45% of the tickets this year. As far as the game is concerned, I expect a slog-fest. If, and it’s a big if, our defense can shut down the running game, we could win in double figures. However, I see Bama being able to string a drive or two together, and that is all their defense will need to keep this close. In the end, I have to think Tebow will be able to make 3 or 4 big plays to lead us to a cover, and on the road to Pasadena.
Crimson Tide 13
Fightin’ Gators 20
12/5/09
4:00pm SEC Championship Game @ the Georgia Dome
Alabama v. Florida -6
Cuzzin Bailey
Since I have been studying so much lately, time hasn’t lent itself very much for thought about the game, so I guess I’ll start now. I have diligently watched both teams with the hope for this matchup, and now that I have it I’m not sure what to do about it. I will tell you that Tebow is a difference maker. I know that’s about as cliché as mentioning that he’s a big God boy, and roommates with Riley “the Hair” Cooper, but its so true. He IS our “3rd-and-anything” guy, he IS the one that makes something out of nothing, and he IS the best QB/athlete on the field in almost every game he plays. Bama’s Defense is outstanding. They are holding teams down with their smothering run D and linebacker play, but I think their secondary is a bit susceptible to blow coverage. I really have to throw the Auburn game out. The Tigers had nothing but trickeration going their way for the first 15-20 minutes, and after that they accomplished very little. On the flip side, UF’s defense is also their complete strength. Strong LBs and a solid line makes for the perfect recipe for stopping the run, which is HUGE this weekend. I have to think if we can minimize the damage caused by Richardson and Ingram, and put the weight of the game on the shoulders of Greg McElroy, the Gators have a great chance of winning this game again. Look for UF’s secondary to be the game changers if Bama looks to pass too early. That being said, the Tide’s QB looked pretty poised on that last drive to beat War Eagle last week, I guess its just a matter of not giving him ANY options with the run game. Also, I’m sure that Ingram is pretty “healthy” and will certainly play Saturday, but I am a little curious just how healthy he is…I wouldn’t be surprised if they were downplaying that hip-pointer all week just to keep UF on its toes. Either way, Richardson is a solid back and has certainly commanded attention in the Gator practices, (so that was probably just my journalistic instinct curious about Ingram). I guess when it comes down to it, I’m glad we have Tim Tebow, I’m glad there are so many haters out there, and I look for the haters’ hatred to grow exponentially come Saturday evening…
BAMA 17
FLORIDA 24
El Gran Mono
After a long year of stupid incidents and shitty playcalling, its finally time to decide the king of the SEC. Timmy and the Gators offense have regressed since a year ago and its not just the loss of Murphy and Harvin causing the problems. Tebow's release is ridiculously slow this year and his dcision making is even slower. Steve Addazio has attempted to avoid those problems by calling an excessive number of Brandon James screen passes and straight QB keepers. That said, the past two weeks we've seen more of the helter skelter style where Tebow is running more zone read and underneath passing plays. If the Gators make a commitment to pass on first down, they should have no problem exploiting an overrated Bama secondary. Bama will stuff anything vanilla that the Gators try to run.
As for the Tide, I've heard a lot of "they just like to play conservative" and "Saban likes to run" this week. Actually, if you look a some past LSU teams, Saban tends to go with whatever he has (including Rohan Davey chucking the ball around 40 times a game). The Tide have a good run blocking OL and some stud backs. They also have a shitty pass blocking OL and a QB who is very limited. At the beginning of the year, I thought McElroy was better than JPW. But as the season has gone along I've realized that he doesn't even have that small amount of playmaking ability that JPW.
Both defenses are great but UF's is more talented, they have only been fazed by a strong arm QB with the ability to throw the long routes to the corner. Bama will not be able to exploit that area. Bama will be lucky to score 10 points. Florida will score at least 17.
Tide rolling into New Orleans 6
Gatorwalking to Pasadena 20
Malt Licker
I can’t believe the regular season is already over, boy that flew by. After a most enjoyable Thanksgiving weekend, my stomach is in knots over this game verses Alabama. Mr. Dunlap added unneeded drama and distraction with his DUI. If only he were sober and being chased by a leggy Swede with a 3-iron. The ATL must be awash with Bama bangs and houndstooth caps. Hopefully the SEC will at least give us 45% of the tickets this year. As far as the game is concerned, I expect a slog-fest. If, and it’s a big if, our defense can shut down the running game, we could win in double figures. However, I see Bama being able to string a drive or two together, and that is all their defense will need to keep this close. In the end, I have to think Tebow will be able to make 3 or 4 big plays to lead us to a cover, and on the road to Pasadena.
Crimson Tide 13
Fightin’ Gators 20
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Turkey Week - Belated Version
Cuzzin Bailey
I’m not going to mince words here this week. I am totally jacked about this week and the slate of games is only half the reason. I love Thanksgiving. And to make this week even better, I back in my hometown, I have a special guest visiting and, hell, the games are awesome! I’m not going to go so far as to say I’m disappointed that I’m missing Tebow’s last game in the Swamp, as I have seen his magic first hand, but I am aware of this situation. Its not an easy realization to miss. From the fans who love him, to the “haters” who loath him, this is Tebow’s last couple of games as a Gator player, and that means something to everyone. Personally, I love that people hate him. If someone looked at his accomplishments and life from an outside point of view, those who despise him would look like those the fools they are…Anyways, as worried as I am about the future, I am totally capable of looking back on the last 4 years with happiness, and realizing that while I may never see another player like TT, nor see the dominance he has lead us to, I will still be a Gator fan and I think my worry will soon turn to excitement in the months to come…
Malt Licker
Favorite week of the year!!! Sign me up for any holiday that combines beer, football, food, beer, friends, family and beer. Not to mention golf with friends, four straight days off, and the (now-routine) destruction of the Florida State Seminoles by the Florida Gators. If Bowden comes back next year, Urban could probably get away with playing Tebow again. I’ll be heading north to say goodbye to the greatest senior class in UF history.
El Gran Mono
I am a loser who forgot to write his column and then bury his co-writers brilliant thoughts. Twenty lashes with a wet noodle and 0fer the week for me.
November 27, 2009
Alabama at Auburn (+11.5), 2:30
ML
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarn Bowl!!!! I think I get this game every year and start it the same way. Tons of fun. Can the Plainsmen ruin the Tide’s perfect season? Last year ‘Bama Bessemer-ed the Tigers 36-0, and will face a hostile crowd at Jerrdan-Hare. Will Aub’s fans pull the faux-humility act that CB hates so much with their cross-state rivals? Something tells me they don’t even try that shit this week. Ben Tate and Onterrio will need to get it done on the ground for War Eagle to pull off the upset. Interesting note: Bama only has a 6 game edge in the series; they’ll bump it up to 7
Tiiiiide 27
Tiiiigers 7
CB
Drop the HAMMER 22
BURRRRNED 10
November 28, 2009
Clemson at South Carolina +3, 12:00
ML
Hate week!!!! These two schools despise each other. Spur-dog vs. Dabo seems like an epic mismatch; although Clemzon enjoys an edge in talent, particularly on offense. CJ Spiller will probably get an invite to New York for the Heisman ceremony and SC must contain him if they want to take down the Tigers. In recent years, it seems like the underdog team usually wins. I don’t need much reason to bet against Dabo.
Howard’s Rock 13
Spurrier’s Cock 20
CB
Tigahs 25
Cawks 27
12:21pm
Ole Miss at Mississippi State +7, 12:21
EGM
Uhhhh
CB
Stoked Rebs 35
Spread Dawgs 10
ML
Ole Egg 23
Dirty Town 10
Florida State at Florida -23, 3:30
CB
How lucky am I? As you read earlier, I have my thoughts about TT, and how fitting that his (and all the Seniors’) last game is against the hated Criminoles! Being from St Pete, I grew up with plenty of FSU “fans.” These were total front-runner bastards. Half the kids who used to tease me for being a Gator wound up going to UF and seeing them at the games made me sick. I don’t forget names/faces. Some guys call me the “Judge” for a reason. Its not cause I’m an aspiring attorney, its cause if you wrong me, I don’t forget. For the record, you CANNOT root for FSU and ridicule Gator fans, and THEN act like it never happened. Okay…I hope you can tell that I have a lot of feelings riding on this game. Speaking of which, I will mention a few things. Meyer got emotional about the Seniors this week. IF you think for a SECOND that the Gators are looking ahead, and aren’t fired up for this one, then you need to check your football smarts at the door. This Florida team is one of the most emotion driven teams I have ever seen, and I am LOVING this spread. I know the Gators can and probably will do whatever it takes to run this Semi team into the ground. I’m only a fan….and I am ready to take a head off…
F*cking Sucks University 13
FLORIDA! 45
ML
Senile Coach 9
Emotional Coach 34
EGM
Uhhh…
Miami at South Florida OFF, 3:30
CB
I’m in town and part of me wants to go to this game just to see the dichotomy of fans present. HAHA I’m just getting excited thinking about it. On the one hand, you have the Canes fans. There are 3 types of UM fans. 1) The actual Grad. That dude is so coked out of his head, he doesn’t even realize that Larry Coker (haha) is no longer the coach; 2) The Hispanic Gang Member. Does this guy even care about the game? Look, as long as his hat’s brim is flat, and it matches his jersey and shoes, he’s at the game, smoking a spliff; 3) the White Kid. Sure this guy thinks cause his hat is new, and the sticker is still on it, he’s gonna hang with number 2. He wrong. That kid is the one getting his ass kicked. Save him. Oh yea, there’s two kinds of USF fan. 1) Joe Alumni. He went to USF long before football was just a glint in some drunk Chancellor’s eye. But now he goes to every game diligently praying for the Bulls to be as good as the other big dogs in the State. That day isn’t far off apparently. And now 2) Johnny “just bought my ticket.” This kid grew up an obnoxious FSU fan. Now he goes to the games just to see how effed up the coeds can get at Raymond James Stadium…can you really blame this guy? Regarding the game, I have to think if UM plays as tough as they can play, it should be a 2 touchdown margin. But I just have this feeling that USF is going to treat this game like its more than just a …well a shitty end of the year game…but not that great of a feeling.
Drugs 23
Less Boutique Drugs 22
ML
scUM 31
Cant get into scUM 27
EGM
Uhhhhh
Tennessee at Kentucky +3.5, 7:00
ML
Bring back the Beer Barrel!!!! We should hear this echoing throughout Lexington until the douchebag university presidents and athletic directors bring back the trophy. The Kats are riding high after their first win in Athens since ’77 and hope to score their first win over UT since ’84. Richie Brooks looks to move UK to 8-4 with a win over Kiffie-kins. I don’t know about you, but I wish our coach was cool enough to knock our players over after big plays against fucking Vanderbilt.
Kiffy-douche 14
Coach of the year 20
CB
Mash 26
Bourbon 20
EGM
Uhhhh
Arkansas at LSU -3.5, 7
CB
Oh man, if I have the gumption I would just got through a few email chains I have been a part of this week and insert that shit here to explain how hilarious last weeks LSU game was, and how much it has made all of us non-Tiger fans be able to breath a sigh of relief so that now the whole world is privy to the nonsense that has be flowing out of the Baton Rouge for the past 3 years. Whether it be succeeding on 4 – 4th and whatevers against UF in 07; the Auburn endzone score, or countless other Les Miles “miracles,” it was about time that joker’s luck ran out. And to me, it was perfectly fitting that it happened against Ole Miss, on that weekend. Now the Bayou Bengals have to contend with a Razorback team that has about as much to play for as Notre Dame. A few years ago and this could be a battle for the Gator Bowl…shit, next year (when the SEC links back up with the Jax bowl it just might be). I could easily see the LSU players watch Miles’ post-game new conference and question his loyalty this week. I mean hell, the guy totally sold out his QB for spiking the ball at the end of the game when it was HE who was signaling him to do so. But while being interviewed, Les said, “I don’t know why he clocked it.” As in, he messed up…not me. I can’t believe this guy is making Bobby Petrino look like a stand up guy. The “Hat” has run out of magic, and if any player in that locker doesn’t think he’s just a scumbag looking for a better job, then I pity the fool…
Good time to be on your “Back” 29
“Les” Keep this under our Hats 17
ML
Looking for win #8 27
Looking for a non-mongoloid coach 24
EGM
uhhhh
8:00pm
Georgia at Georgia Tech -7.5, 8:00
EGM
Uhhhh
ML
Rotting Uga 14
Stinging Option 30
CB
Jawga 22
Run, Run, Run, maybe Pass 34
Vanderbilt – Bye Week
EGM
Uhhhhh
I’m not going to mince words here this week. I am totally jacked about this week and the slate of games is only half the reason. I love Thanksgiving. And to make this week even better, I back in my hometown, I have a special guest visiting and, hell, the games are awesome! I’m not going to go so far as to say I’m disappointed that I’m missing Tebow’s last game in the Swamp, as I have seen his magic first hand, but I am aware of this situation. Its not an easy realization to miss. From the fans who love him, to the “haters” who loath him, this is Tebow’s last couple of games as a Gator player, and that means something to everyone. Personally, I love that people hate him. If someone looked at his accomplishments and life from an outside point of view, those who despise him would look like those the fools they are…Anyways, as worried as I am about the future, I am totally capable of looking back on the last 4 years with happiness, and realizing that while I may never see another player like TT, nor see the dominance he has lead us to, I will still be a Gator fan and I think my worry will soon turn to excitement in the months to come…
Malt Licker
Favorite week of the year!!! Sign me up for any holiday that combines beer, football, food, beer, friends, family and beer. Not to mention golf with friends, four straight days off, and the (now-routine) destruction of the Florida State Seminoles by the Florida Gators. If Bowden comes back next year, Urban could probably get away with playing Tebow again. I’ll be heading north to say goodbye to the greatest senior class in UF history.
El Gran Mono
I am a loser who forgot to write his column and then bury his co-writers brilliant thoughts. Twenty lashes with a wet noodle and 0fer the week for me.
November 27, 2009
Alabama at Auburn (+11.5), 2:30
ML
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarn Bowl!!!! I think I get this game every year and start it the same way. Tons of fun. Can the Plainsmen ruin the Tide’s perfect season? Last year ‘Bama Bessemer-ed the Tigers 36-0, and will face a hostile crowd at Jerrdan-Hare. Will Aub’s fans pull the faux-humility act that CB hates so much with their cross-state rivals? Something tells me they don’t even try that shit this week. Ben Tate and Onterrio will need to get it done on the ground for War Eagle to pull off the upset. Interesting note: Bama only has a 6 game edge in the series; they’ll bump it up to 7
Tiiiiide 27
Tiiiigers 7
CB
Drop the HAMMER 22
BURRRRNED 10
November 28, 2009
Clemson at South Carolina +3, 12:00
ML
Hate week!!!! These two schools despise each other. Spur-dog vs. Dabo seems like an epic mismatch; although Clemzon enjoys an edge in talent, particularly on offense. CJ Spiller will probably get an invite to New York for the Heisman ceremony and SC must contain him if they want to take down the Tigers. In recent years, it seems like the underdog team usually wins. I don’t need much reason to bet against Dabo.
Howard’s Rock 13
Spurrier’s Cock 20
CB
Tigahs 25
Cawks 27
12:21pm
Ole Miss at Mississippi State +7, 12:21
EGM
Uhhhh
CB
Stoked Rebs 35
Spread Dawgs 10
ML
Ole Egg 23
Dirty Town 10
Florida State at Florida -23, 3:30
CB
How lucky am I? As you read earlier, I have my thoughts about TT, and how fitting that his (and all the Seniors’) last game is against the hated Criminoles! Being from St Pete, I grew up with plenty of FSU “fans.” These were total front-runner bastards. Half the kids who used to tease me for being a Gator wound up going to UF and seeing them at the games made me sick. I don’t forget names/faces. Some guys call me the “Judge” for a reason. Its not cause I’m an aspiring attorney, its cause if you wrong me, I don’t forget. For the record, you CANNOT root for FSU and ridicule Gator fans, and THEN act like it never happened. Okay…I hope you can tell that I have a lot of feelings riding on this game. Speaking of which, I will mention a few things. Meyer got emotional about the Seniors this week. IF you think for a SECOND that the Gators are looking ahead, and aren’t fired up for this one, then you need to check your football smarts at the door. This Florida team is one of the most emotion driven teams I have ever seen, and I am LOVING this spread. I know the Gators can and probably will do whatever it takes to run this Semi team into the ground. I’m only a fan….and I am ready to take a head off…
F*cking Sucks University 13
FLORIDA! 45
ML
Senile Coach 9
Emotional Coach 34
EGM
Uhhh…
Miami at South Florida OFF, 3:30
CB
I’m in town and part of me wants to go to this game just to see the dichotomy of fans present. HAHA I’m just getting excited thinking about it. On the one hand, you have the Canes fans. There are 3 types of UM fans. 1) The actual Grad. That dude is so coked out of his head, he doesn’t even realize that Larry Coker (haha) is no longer the coach; 2) The Hispanic Gang Member. Does this guy even care about the game? Look, as long as his hat’s brim is flat, and it matches his jersey and shoes, he’s at the game, smoking a spliff; 3) the White Kid. Sure this guy thinks cause his hat is new, and the sticker is still on it, he’s gonna hang with number 2. He wrong. That kid is the one getting his ass kicked. Save him. Oh yea, there’s two kinds of USF fan. 1) Joe Alumni. He went to USF long before football was just a glint in some drunk Chancellor’s eye. But now he goes to every game diligently praying for the Bulls to be as good as the other big dogs in the State. That day isn’t far off apparently. And now 2) Johnny “just bought my ticket.” This kid grew up an obnoxious FSU fan. Now he goes to the games just to see how effed up the coeds can get at Raymond James Stadium…can you really blame this guy? Regarding the game, I have to think if UM plays as tough as they can play, it should be a 2 touchdown margin. But I just have this feeling that USF is going to treat this game like its more than just a …well a shitty end of the year game…but not that great of a feeling.
Drugs 23
Less Boutique Drugs 22
ML
scUM 31
Cant get into scUM 27
EGM
Uhhhhh
Tennessee at Kentucky +3.5, 7:00
ML
Bring back the Beer Barrel!!!! We should hear this echoing throughout Lexington until the douchebag university presidents and athletic directors bring back the trophy. The Kats are riding high after their first win in Athens since ’77 and hope to score their first win over UT since ’84. Richie Brooks looks to move UK to 8-4 with a win over Kiffie-kins. I don’t know about you, but I wish our coach was cool enough to knock our players over after big plays against fucking Vanderbilt.
Kiffy-douche 14
Coach of the year 20
CB
Mash 26
Bourbon 20
EGM
Uhhhh
Arkansas at LSU -3.5, 7
CB
Oh man, if I have the gumption I would just got through a few email chains I have been a part of this week and insert that shit here to explain how hilarious last weeks LSU game was, and how much it has made all of us non-Tiger fans be able to breath a sigh of relief so that now the whole world is privy to the nonsense that has be flowing out of the Baton Rouge for the past 3 years. Whether it be succeeding on 4 – 4th and whatevers against UF in 07; the Auburn endzone score, or countless other Les Miles “miracles,” it was about time that joker’s luck ran out. And to me, it was perfectly fitting that it happened against Ole Miss, on that weekend. Now the Bayou Bengals have to contend with a Razorback team that has about as much to play for as Notre Dame. A few years ago and this could be a battle for the Gator Bowl…shit, next year (when the SEC links back up with the Jax bowl it just might be). I could easily see the LSU players watch Miles’ post-game new conference and question his loyalty this week. I mean hell, the guy totally sold out his QB for spiking the ball at the end of the game when it was HE who was signaling him to do so. But while being interviewed, Les said, “I don’t know why he clocked it.” As in, he messed up…not me. I can’t believe this guy is making Bobby Petrino look like a stand up guy. The “Hat” has run out of magic, and if any player in that locker doesn’t think he’s just a scumbag looking for a better job, then I pity the fool…
Good time to be on your “Back” 29
“Les” Keep this under our Hats 17
ML
Looking for win #8 27
Looking for a non-mongoloid coach 24
EGM
uhhhh
8:00pm
Georgia at Georgia Tech -7.5, 8:00
EGM
Uhhhh
ML
Rotting Uga 14
Stinging Option 30
CB
Jawga 22
Run, Run, Run, maybe Pass 34
Vanderbilt – Bye Week
EGM
Uhhhhh
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week XII
El Gran Mono
After a whirlwind voyage to Columbia last weekend, things have gone on high alert for both the Gator offense and the world of civil litigation. To say the least, neither of them is very fun to watch. To make things worse, this week in football completely blows. It was nice of the NCAA to add a 12th game so all of the big name teams could tune up against the Sun WAC Belt.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
I know you all have been waiting for the Mississippi State/Arkansas game all year, but try and keep it down. This weekend’s highlight game is in Oxford, MS. The Rebs are favored as the mighty Bayou Bengals come into town and I know its gonna be electric. Its definitely football weather up there, and hopefully the chandeliers in the Grove will be rattling from all the noise after the Rebels pound the Tigers. On a completely different subject, I hope you all have been diligently watching the WWII documentary series on History Channel this week. A good friend of mine recommended it on Facebook and I haven’t been able to turn it off since. Anyways the top teams in the SEC have virtual bye weeks before their end of the year rivalries, and even those two games next week aren’t nearly as important as the one the week after that! Still lots to accomplish and take care of before the SEC Championship Game, starting with these scrimmages…
Malt Licker
It’s mid November, and that means its time for a visit to Cupcake City for the Gators. Maybe we’ll actually score more than 30 this week. All bitterness aside, I think the Gator Nation needs to calm down. Urban and his boys have won 20 in a row, and this senior class is on the cusp of a 3rd SEC and National Title. With that said, it would be nice to see Tebow look at someone other than his roommate on a streak and A-Hern on a shovel. Anyway, I loved the reunion with EGM and others in Columbia. After 96 hours, I have finally enjoyed a solid bowel movement….
Chattanooga at Alabama (NL), 12:20pm
EGM
TO went to Chattanooga. He no longer plays there. If you are interested in anything remotely related to “Chattanooga” this weekend, then I suggest you read a book about the battle.
University of Tennessee AT Chattanooga 0
Bamer 45
CB
Nooooooooooga 3.2
Bama! 51
ML
Mocs 2
Tide 41
Mississippi State at Arkansas (-10.5), 12:21pm
ML
Speaking of Bowel Movements, MSU heads up the road to Arky-saw in the battle to stay out of the SEC West cellar. The Bulldogs may be looking ahead toward the battle of the Golden Egg, and the state of Arkansas may be looking ahead toward a 50% literacy rate! It seems like the Hawgs have a ton more talent. They should roll….
Doggies 14
Hoggies 34
EGM
Dawgs 13
Hawgs 31
CB
Ugh, Starkville 17
Ugh, Fayetteville 28
FIU at Florida (-43.5), 12:30pm
CB
I was going to talk about this game metaphorically by referencing some of the Battles I saw on TV this week, but I don’t think that would be appropriate or accurate as this game, by football game standards, won’t have any real intensity or challenge. There is one thing I can mention that has been on my mind since I saw (or should I say acknowledged) that FIU was on our schedule, and that is the infamous brawl that occurred a three years ago. If you don’t remember, look it up on Wikipedia…yea, its there. These FIU players with the help of the scUMbag Canes guys had it out on the field in Braveheart fashion. Some of the images that stick out in my head are: the Canes player that swung his helmet and the “stomper” (UM dude who was literally stomping and FIU player). Now I know that Randy Shannon is a no-nonsense kind of ….wait what am I talking about?…Anyways, this game is clearly bothering me because I haven’t said one damn word about it. All I know is, FIU has supplanted USF as the “red-headed stepchild” of the State, and all it takes is a little of that insecurity to show through and we could be looking at an ugly game on their part. I know we have too much discipline to fall into an all out fight, and our eye-gouging strategy has been exposed, so I guess we’ll just have to whoop some ass letting Johnny Brantley come in, in the 2nd quarter with Carte Blanche to toss the rock all over the Panthers’ secondary. The spread is a big number, and the way the Gators have been playing lately only a fool would pick them to cover, but I like UF big regardless…
I’m Sorry I had a Fight in the Middle of your Black Panther Party 9
Focused Gators 45
EGM
Golden Panteros 3
Caimanes 56
ML
Panteros de Oro 3
Gators de Pantano 49
LSU at Ole Miss (-3.5), 3:30pm
EGM
The Rebs are almost impossible to decipher. But since they have decided to go with the 100% McCluster based offense they have started to move the ball consistently. It’s a good thing they found that direction because Snead is terrible. I’d avoid whatever “meat market” was serving up cutlets of Jevan. The Tigers really have nothing to stand on when it comes to offense these days. Chuck Scott is out and Jarrett Lee could be behind center. Regardless of how fast LSU’s defense may be, I just can’t get behind the Cajuns woeful offense. This game’s status as “SEC Game of the week makes me want to vomit up used syringes.
Tigers 13
Pississippi 20
CB
LSU Bleauxs 20
Hotty Toddy 22
ML
LSU 34
Ole Piss 33
Vanderbilt at Tennessee (-17), 7:00pm
EGM
The battle for State of Tennessee has never looked worse. Vandy is atrocious on both sides of the ball and really has no chance of scoring against the Vols defense or stopping their running attack. Perhaps we could just lessen the two teams’ carbon footprint and call this one at 17-3 Vols. Or maybe in the guise of all things Copenhagen Accord, UT could give some of their talented players to Vandy and drop the final score to 17-14. Sounds equitable, right? Equitable like prison rape.
Commodes 3
Vols 24
CB
Von Vandersbilt 10
Lane’s Thugs 30
ML
Tennessee Dorks 13
Tennessee Armed Robbers 23
Kentucky at Georgia -8, 7:45
CB
Maybe its just the fact that I know that Calipari is a total scumbag when it comes to recruiting but I just don’t trust the kids he’s got on the court now. Sorry, I was just watching a little of the Cats on the hardwood and that thought came over me and I started to suspect even the kids that were already on scholarship of being dirty. And we all know that Billy Gillespie wasn’t cheating because if he was, he probably wouldn’t have gotten fired! Speaking of Football, how unimpressed with Richt are you? He’s had plenty of talent over the years and this year with arguably the best receiver in the SEC and a senior Quarterback, the Dawgs are just God awful. Now the question is, are they bad enough to lose to the football Kats? I say no, I mean come on, who’s that bad?
Krappy Kensucky Kats 16
Dawgs are Better, just a little bit 32
EGM
Kats 13
Dawgs 28
ML
‘Sucky 13
Jawja 31
Oregon at Zona (+6), 8
ML
Both these teams control their destiny. If Oregon wins out, they earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl since Rich Brooks faced Joe-Pa in 1995. If the Desert Cats can win out, they will earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl…Ever. That’s right, they are the only Pac-10 team to have never played in the Rose Bowl. If they wish to break that trend, they need to slow down OU’s 6th ranked rushing offense and Jeremiah Masoli, the Stocky Samoan. The Cats have a pretty good QB of their own in Nick Foles, who sports a 70% completion percentage. Can Mike Stoops pull off the upset and save his job? Does Jim Leavitt mind that he stole his hairdo? Does anyone care?
Fighting Quacks 27
Fighting Lutes 17
EGM
Ducks 45
Zona 41
CB
Punchy 42
Zoner 23
Auburn - OFF
CB
OH MAN do I hate Auburn! Have you ever been there as an opposing fan? They aren’t like “get in your face” assholes, but they do that whole thing where they come up to you and slap you in your face with their bangs and act like they team ain’t gotta prayer; their faux-humility is disgusting. Sorry, we aren’t even playing them this year, and I can’t control my contempt.
South Carolina - OFF
ML
Man, I love Columbia. I guarantee that town has the lowest church to bar ratio of any city in the Southeast. Can’t wait to go back to the Stayhard Suites in 2011.
After a whirlwind voyage to Columbia last weekend, things have gone on high alert for both the Gator offense and the world of civil litigation. To say the least, neither of them is very fun to watch. To make things worse, this week in football completely blows. It was nice of the NCAA to add a 12th game so all of the big name teams could tune up against the Sun WAC Belt.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
I know you all have been waiting for the Mississippi State/Arkansas game all year, but try and keep it down. This weekend’s highlight game is in Oxford, MS. The Rebs are favored as the mighty Bayou Bengals come into town and I know its gonna be electric. Its definitely football weather up there, and hopefully the chandeliers in the Grove will be rattling from all the noise after the Rebels pound the Tigers. On a completely different subject, I hope you all have been diligently watching the WWII documentary series on History Channel this week. A good friend of mine recommended it on Facebook and I haven’t been able to turn it off since. Anyways the top teams in the SEC have virtual bye weeks before their end of the year rivalries, and even those two games next week aren’t nearly as important as the one the week after that! Still lots to accomplish and take care of before the SEC Championship Game, starting with these scrimmages…
Malt Licker
It’s mid November, and that means its time for a visit to Cupcake City for the Gators. Maybe we’ll actually score more than 30 this week. All bitterness aside, I think the Gator Nation needs to calm down. Urban and his boys have won 20 in a row, and this senior class is on the cusp of a 3rd SEC and National Title. With that said, it would be nice to see Tebow look at someone other than his roommate on a streak and A-Hern on a shovel. Anyway, I loved the reunion with EGM and others in Columbia. After 96 hours, I have finally enjoyed a solid bowel movement….
Chattanooga at Alabama (NL), 12:20pm
EGM
TO went to Chattanooga. He no longer plays there. If you are interested in anything remotely related to “Chattanooga” this weekend, then I suggest you read a book about the battle.
University of Tennessee AT Chattanooga 0
Bamer 45
CB
Nooooooooooga 3.2
Bama! 51
ML
Mocs 2
Tide 41
Mississippi State at Arkansas (-10.5), 12:21pm
ML
Speaking of Bowel Movements, MSU heads up the road to Arky-saw in the battle to stay out of the SEC West cellar. The Bulldogs may be looking ahead toward the battle of the Golden Egg, and the state of Arkansas may be looking ahead toward a 50% literacy rate! It seems like the Hawgs have a ton more talent. They should roll….
Doggies 14
Hoggies 34
EGM
Dawgs 13
Hawgs 31
CB
Ugh, Starkville 17
Ugh, Fayetteville 28
FIU at Florida (-43.5), 12:30pm
CB
I was going to talk about this game metaphorically by referencing some of the Battles I saw on TV this week, but I don’t think that would be appropriate or accurate as this game, by football game standards, won’t have any real intensity or challenge. There is one thing I can mention that has been on my mind since I saw (or should I say acknowledged) that FIU was on our schedule, and that is the infamous brawl that occurred a three years ago. If you don’t remember, look it up on Wikipedia…yea, its there. These FIU players with the help of the scUMbag Canes guys had it out on the field in Braveheart fashion. Some of the images that stick out in my head are: the Canes player that swung his helmet and the “stomper” (UM dude who was literally stomping and FIU player). Now I know that Randy Shannon is a no-nonsense kind of ….wait what am I talking about?…Anyways, this game is clearly bothering me because I haven’t said one damn word about it. All I know is, FIU has supplanted USF as the “red-headed stepchild” of the State, and all it takes is a little of that insecurity to show through and we could be looking at an ugly game on their part. I know we have too much discipline to fall into an all out fight, and our eye-gouging strategy has been exposed, so I guess we’ll just have to whoop some ass letting Johnny Brantley come in, in the 2nd quarter with Carte Blanche to toss the rock all over the Panthers’ secondary. The spread is a big number, and the way the Gators have been playing lately only a fool would pick them to cover, but I like UF big regardless…
I’m Sorry I had a Fight in the Middle of your Black Panther Party 9
Focused Gators 45
EGM
Golden Panteros 3
Caimanes 56
ML
Panteros de Oro 3
Gators de Pantano 49
LSU at Ole Miss (-3.5), 3:30pm
EGM
The Rebs are almost impossible to decipher. But since they have decided to go with the 100% McCluster based offense they have started to move the ball consistently. It’s a good thing they found that direction because Snead is terrible. I’d avoid whatever “meat market” was serving up cutlets of Jevan. The Tigers really have nothing to stand on when it comes to offense these days. Chuck Scott is out and Jarrett Lee could be behind center. Regardless of how fast LSU’s defense may be, I just can’t get behind the Cajuns woeful offense. This game’s status as “SEC Game of the week makes me want to vomit up used syringes.
Tigers 13
Pississippi 20
CB
LSU Bleauxs 20
Hotty Toddy 22
ML
LSU 34
Ole Piss 33
Vanderbilt at Tennessee (-17), 7:00pm
EGM
The battle for State of Tennessee has never looked worse. Vandy is atrocious on both sides of the ball and really has no chance of scoring against the Vols defense or stopping their running attack. Perhaps we could just lessen the two teams’ carbon footprint and call this one at 17-3 Vols. Or maybe in the guise of all things Copenhagen Accord, UT could give some of their talented players to Vandy and drop the final score to 17-14. Sounds equitable, right? Equitable like prison rape.
Commodes 3
Vols 24
CB
Von Vandersbilt 10
Lane’s Thugs 30
ML
Tennessee Dorks 13
Tennessee Armed Robbers 23
Kentucky at Georgia -8, 7:45
CB
Maybe its just the fact that I know that Calipari is a total scumbag when it comes to recruiting but I just don’t trust the kids he’s got on the court now. Sorry, I was just watching a little of the Cats on the hardwood and that thought came over me and I started to suspect even the kids that were already on scholarship of being dirty. And we all know that Billy Gillespie wasn’t cheating because if he was, he probably wouldn’t have gotten fired! Speaking of Football, how unimpressed with Richt are you? He’s had plenty of talent over the years and this year with arguably the best receiver in the SEC and a senior Quarterback, the Dawgs are just God awful. Now the question is, are they bad enough to lose to the football Kats? I say no, I mean come on, who’s that bad?
Krappy Kensucky Kats 16
Dawgs are Better, just a little bit 32
EGM
Kats 13
Dawgs 28
ML
‘Sucky 13
Jawja 31
Oregon at Zona (+6), 8
ML
Both these teams control their destiny. If Oregon wins out, they earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl since Rich Brooks faced Joe-Pa in 1995. If the Desert Cats can win out, they will earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl…Ever. That’s right, they are the only Pac-10 team to have never played in the Rose Bowl. If they wish to break that trend, they need to slow down OU’s 6th ranked rushing offense and Jeremiah Masoli, the Stocky Samoan. The Cats have a pretty good QB of their own in Nick Foles, who sports a 70% completion percentage. Can Mike Stoops pull off the upset and save his job? Does Jim Leavitt mind that he stole his hairdo? Does anyone care?
Fighting Quacks 27
Fighting Lutes 17
EGM
Ducks 45
Zona 41
CB
Punchy 42
Zoner 23
Auburn - OFF
CB
OH MAN do I hate Auburn! Have you ever been there as an opposing fan? They aren’t like “get in your face” assholes, but they do that whole thing where they come up to you and slap you in your face with their bangs and act like they team ain’t gotta prayer; their faux-humility is disgusting. Sorry, we aren’t even playing them this year, and I can’t control my contempt.
South Carolina - OFF
ML
Man, I love Columbia. I guarantee that town has the lowest church to bar ratio of any city in the Southeast. Can’t wait to go back to the Stayhard Suites in 2011.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week XI
Malt Licker
HIGH OCTANE WEEKEND!!!! Two thirds of Mono, Licker & Bailey will be reuniting in the Palmetto State, to witness the Gators ascension to 10-0 and corresponding victimization of the Ol’ Ball Coach and his drunken Quarterback. I’m not sure what CB’s excuse is, but I’m sure it is lame. I just heard New Keys is among 3 Vol Freshmen arrested for armed robbery. I have tomorrow off and it’s been a while, so forgive me for my giddiness, this week’s edition has stream of consciousness written all over it. Call me Kerouac…..
El Gran Mono
Its late Thursday evening and I have Carolina (and shitty Alex Smith) on my mind. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to join the Licker in Five Points until late tomorrow due to deposition obligations. Why would anyone schedule a deposition on a roady day? Not everyone has SEC football priorities I guess. Perhaps we can incorporate football travel into the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure in order to accommodate the litigators of the south. However, they should probably work on getting some decent officials before moving the Supreme Court for Rules amendments…
Cuzzin’ Bailey
As I watch USF do its best to keep itself out of this Thursday night game, I am happy to report that the time for the Gators 10th win of the season is almost upon us. Its graciously fitting that we go for this victory against the man that made 10-win seasons at UF a conceivable goal. Last week UF took it easy on a hapless Vanderbilt team, hopefully saving their best for last (or at least the last few weeks). Sorry this is so bland, but watching the Tampa Bulls v. the New Jersey Rutgers is really bringing me down. Maybe a rerun of NCIS will get me in the mood for writing about football? I don’t know what I’m talking about. Btw, I think the World Series of Poker is over, THANK GOD… On an unrelated note (if you can believe it), I’m watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure now, I think the guy that played Napoleon did a great job, but I don’t understand why Lincoln even went to the costume picture place or why Beethoven was arrested for playing music…anyways while you contemplate that shit, on to the picks!!
Tennessee at Ole Miss (-5), 12:00pm EGM
EGM
There is no way Ole Miss should be favored against any team other than Vanderbilt or Kentucky. I understand that people think Lane Kiffin is stupid but has anyone ever considered it’s a charade? The Vols actually have things moving in the right direction these days (I never thought I’d write that this year). They run the ball well and only put their QB in “Bama situations”, i.e PA passes and bootlegs. Of course, this limits their offense and makes it very difficult to come back in games. That said, Ole Miss is a bigger farce than man-made climate change. They play half-ass defense but they can’t score against any team with a pulse. The Vols may have a decimated krewe of LBs but the rest of their unit is very solid. This could be an instant replay of the Ole Piss-Cocks matchup.
Armed Robbers 17
Easily Stolen Wallets 10
ML
Stick ‘em up 9
Rebz 21
CB
Trying to Score some “New Keys” 23
Capitalize on some opposing distraction? 26
Kentucky at Vanderbilt (+3), 12:20
EGM
Easily the least interesting matchup in the SEC from year to year with the possible exception of Piss State-Vandy. It appears Rich Brooks is once again “rebuilding” from his self-inflicted poor coaching/recruiting disaster. He’s also incorporating a heavy amount of wildcat into their offensive schemes. Meanwhile, coach-in-waiting Joker Phillips is dreading the reconstruction of the rebuilding effort. Confusing isn’t it? What’s not confusing is the fact that Vandy completely sucks.
Kats 31
Commodes 9
ML
‘Tucky 24
‘Bilt 20
CB
Don’t be so Kensucky 24
Fine School, Awful Football 17
Florida at South Carolina (+15), 3:30
ML
Yea daddy!!! Staying downtown….drunk at 3pm….Group Therapy…reunited…five points….qb dive…..Ball coach throwin’ visors….Garcia sweatin’ Gin….Tebow praisin’ the lord…turnovers galore. It seems like we’ve been playing better on the road than at home. I see this trend continuing and a big victory in cock-land. I think SC is trying some sort of camo-uniforms in honor of Vet’s day. None of that matters, I’ll be trying the limits of my liver in honor of Vet’s day.
UF 38
SC 10
EGM
The Gators offense drives a man to drink even the crappiest of whiskey. So much talent, such poor playcalling and execution. Their defense is awesome and keeps them in every game. I’m just glad Houston, Cincy, or FSU w/ Christian Ponder is not on the schedule. Those high scoring teams would have a great shot of winning. I really can’t wait to be in Columbia and sitting in Group Therapy with a Knob Creek in my hand talking football with the Licker and other fellow studs. Spurdog makes me nervous, but Stephen Garcia does not. His penchant for frustration will lead to at least one pick six. The Cocks defense is good but they won’t be able to withstand several turnovers and long weathering drives. Another Columbia notch in the belt…
Gators 31
Cocks 10
CB
Spurrier “announced” that he would probably be a Cock until 2011. HAHA, I just read that, I’ll bet there are plenty of UT and UGA fans out there saying, “its about time!” Anyways, presuming he was referring to his coaching tenure at USC, I think its great that he was pressured by the media into making such an announcement and hopefully he will retire with dignity and plenty of wins against everyone but us. I was looking at this game, and I was trying to figure out which of Meyer’s two trips to Columbia did this remind me of…2005 (I was there, sort of) and we lost by not blocking and allowing the Cocks to pressure us way too much; or 2007 Tebow accounted for 7 touchdowns on his way to winning the Heisman. After that thoughtful, in-depth analysis, I think I’m gonna go wild-card on yall and claim that our DEFENSE will be the main factor. I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Cuzzin, how can you go on such crazy limb like that??!” But it’s true, the Gators have a really really really good defense this year. Look for Garcia (USC’s QB) to feel the heat early on and for Spurrier’s stubbornness continue sending in pass plays that will set us up for a multi-pick game…
Cawks 10
GATORS! 30
Auburn at Georgia (-4.5), 7:00pm
ML
Man…what an anti-climax. I remember, during the era of Zook, when this game had SEC Title game implications. The winner of this game has the inside track on the Peach Bowl. I’d rather eat head cheese than watch these two teams play.
War Eagle 17
UGA 23
EGM
Plainsmen 20
UGA 17
CB
I want to win less 28
No, I do 27
Louisiana Tech at LSU (-24), 7:00 pm
ML
The Cajuns got jobbed in Tuscaloose, as Peterson’s clear INT of the worst SEC QB was, for some reason, not seen in the replay booth. The Heart of Dixie is known for being a bit, behind the times, so maybe an 8 inch black and white Zenith is all that was available. It may not have mattered, it’s not like Jarrett Lee was going to suddenly realize how not to suck. Anyway, this is LSU’s November cupcake, the Lady Techsters, and they cannot call on Teresa Weatherspoon to run the show.
Techy 9
CoonAssy 41
EGM
Lady Techsters 0
Tigers 38
CB
LaTeck 6
LSU 42
Alabama at Mississippi State (+12.5), 7:00pm
CB
Nice little tune up for the Tide Saturday night before next week’s Iron Bowl. I don’t mean that MSU is a ginormous pushover that can’t exploit mistakes (and let’s face it, McElroy is just the kind of guy who can make ‘em), but I don’t think Saban is going to have to rely on the Bama QB too much in this one. I fully expect Mark Ingram to maintain his strong case for the Heisman with a big game, and the Tide Defense to hold these Bulldogs to under 250 yards of total offense. This will be a nice introduction into the spread offense as Bama gets ready for the SEC champ game, but I think the caliber of talent may be just a bit off haha…Tide Rolls
Bama 34
Westside Dawgs 12
ML
C-Tide 20
B-Dogs 10
EGM
Bamer 24
Miss State 9
Troy at Arkansas (-14), 7:30
CB
Didn’t even remember I landed on this game, and I almost left it blank. Whatever would we have done??!?! The Bourbon Boys would have been discredited and the laughing stock of the Blogosphere…I swear to God that is the first time I’ve ever used that word. I feel dirty. I’ll be honest with yall for a minute. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in this game. Please do NOT place a bet by using my score as an indicator. I am literally going to write two scores down on a piece of paper and flip a coin. Wait, that sounds like way to much work. I’m just gonna go with the Razorbacks cause I think they can probably put 40 points up on the Trojans defense and the talent level has to be skewed just enough in Arky’s favor to cover the spread. Wow, that was more analysis than I’ve done all year…pretty pathetic
Trojans 17
‘ZorBacks 40
ML
Trojans Cover 24
Your Hawgs 35
EGM
Trojans 13
Hawgs 28
HIGH OCTANE WEEKEND!!!! Two thirds of Mono, Licker & Bailey will be reuniting in the Palmetto State, to witness the Gators ascension to 10-0 and corresponding victimization of the Ol’ Ball Coach and his drunken Quarterback. I’m not sure what CB’s excuse is, but I’m sure it is lame. I just heard New Keys is among 3 Vol Freshmen arrested for armed robbery. I have tomorrow off and it’s been a while, so forgive me for my giddiness, this week’s edition has stream of consciousness written all over it. Call me Kerouac…..
El Gran Mono
Its late Thursday evening and I have Carolina (and shitty Alex Smith) on my mind. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to join the Licker in Five Points until late tomorrow due to deposition obligations. Why would anyone schedule a deposition on a roady day? Not everyone has SEC football priorities I guess. Perhaps we can incorporate football travel into the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure in order to accommodate the litigators of the south. However, they should probably work on getting some decent officials before moving the Supreme Court for Rules amendments…
Cuzzin’ Bailey
As I watch USF do its best to keep itself out of this Thursday night game, I am happy to report that the time for the Gators 10th win of the season is almost upon us. Its graciously fitting that we go for this victory against the man that made 10-win seasons at UF a conceivable goal. Last week UF took it easy on a hapless Vanderbilt team, hopefully saving their best for last (or at least the last few weeks). Sorry this is so bland, but watching the Tampa Bulls v. the New Jersey Rutgers is really bringing me down. Maybe a rerun of NCIS will get me in the mood for writing about football? I don’t know what I’m talking about. Btw, I think the World Series of Poker is over, THANK GOD… On an unrelated note (if you can believe it), I’m watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure now, I think the guy that played Napoleon did a great job, but I don’t understand why Lincoln even went to the costume picture place or why Beethoven was arrested for playing music…anyways while you contemplate that shit, on to the picks!!
Tennessee at Ole Miss (-5), 12:00pm EGM
EGM
There is no way Ole Miss should be favored against any team other than Vanderbilt or Kentucky. I understand that people think Lane Kiffin is stupid but has anyone ever considered it’s a charade? The Vols actually have things moving in the right direction these days (I never thought I’d write that this year). They run the ball well and only put their QB in “Bama situations”, i.e PA passes and bootlegs. Of course, this limits their offense and makes it very difficult to come back in games. That said, Ole Miss is a bigger farce than man-made climate change. They play half-ass defense but they can’t score against any team with a pulse. The Vols may have a decimated krewe of LBs but the rest of their unit is very solid. This could be an instant replay of the Ole Piss-Cocks matchup.
Armed Robbers 17
Easily Stolen Wallets 10
ML
Stick ‘em up 9
Rebz 21
CB
Trying to Score some “New Keys” 23
Capitalize on some opposing distraction? 26
Kentucky at Vanderbilt (+3), 12:20
EGM
Easily the least interesting matchup in the SEC from year to year with the possible exception of Piss State-Vandy. It appears Rich Brooks is once again “rebuilding” from his self-inflicted poor coaching/recruiting disaster. He’s also incorporating a heavy amount of wildcat into their offensive schemes. Meanwhile, coach-in-waiting Joker Phillips is dreading the reconstruction of the rebuilding effort. Confusing isn’t it? What’s not confusing is the fact that Vandy completely sucks.
Kats 31
Commodes 9
ML
‘Tucky 24
‘Bilt 20
CB
Don’t be so Kensucky 24
Fine School, Awful Football 17
Florida at South Carolina (+15), 3:30
ML
Yea daddy!!! Staying downtown….drunk at 3pm….Group Therapy…reunited…five points….qb dive…..Ball coach throwin’ visors….Garcia sweatin’ Gin….Tebow praisin’ the lord…turnovers galore. It seems like we’ve been playing better on the road than at home. I see this trend continuing and a big victory in cock-land. I think SC is trying some sort of camo-uniforms in honor of Vet’s day. None of that matters, I’ll be trying the limits of my liver in honor of Vet’s day.
UF 38
SC 10
EGM
The Gators offense drives a man to drink even the crappiest of whiskey. So much talent, such poor playcalling and execution. Their defense is awesome and keeps them in every game. I’m just glad Houston, Cincy, or FSU w/ Christian Ponder is not on the schedule. Those high scoring teams would have a great shot of winning. I really can’t wait to be in Columbia and sitting in Group Therapy with a Knob Creek in my hand talking football with the Licker and other fellow studs. Spurdog makes me nervous, but Stephen Garcia does not. His penchant for frustration will lead to at least one pick six. The Cocks defense is good but they won’t be able to withstand several turnovers and long weathering drives. Another Columbia notch in the belt…
Gators 31
Cocks 10
CB
Spurrier “announced” that he would probably be a Cock until 2011. HAHA, I just read that, I’ll bet there are plenty of UT and UGA fans out there saying, “its about time!” Anyways, presuming he was referring to his coaching tenure at USC, I think its great that he was pressured by the media into making such an announcement and hopefully he will retire with dignity and plenty of wins against everyone but us. I was looking at this game, and I was trying to figure out which of Meyer’s two trips to Columbia did this remind me of…2005 (I was there, sort of) and we lost by not blocking and allowing the Cocks to pressure us way too much; or 2007 Tebow accounted for 7 touchdowns on his way to winning the Heisman. After that thoughtful, in-depth analysis, I think I’m gonna go wild-card on yall and claim that our DEFENSE will be the main factor. I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Cuzzin, how can you go on such crazy limb like that??!” But it’s true, the Gators have a really really really good defense this year. Look for Garcia (USC’s QB) to feel the heat early on and for Spurrier’s stubbornness continue sending in pass plays that will set us up for a multi-pick game…
Cawks 10
GATORS! 30
Auburn at Georgia (-4.5), 7:00pm
ML
Man…what an anti-climax. I remember, during the era of Zook, when this game had SEC Title game implications. The winner of this game has the inside track on the Peach Bowl. I’d rather eat head cheese than watch these two teams play.
War Eagle 17
UGA 23
EGM
Plainsmen 20
UGA 17
CB
I want to win less 28
No, I do 27
Louisiana Tech at LSU (-24), 7:00 pm
ML
The Cajuns got jobbed in Tuscaloose, as Peterson’s clear INT of the worst SEC QB was, for some reason, not seen in the replay booth. The Heart of Dixie is known for being a bit, behind the times, so maybe an 8 inch black and white Zenith is all that was available. It may not have mattered, it’s not like Jarrett Lee was going to suddenly realize how not to suck. Anyway, this is LSU’s November cupcake, the Lady Techsters, and they cannot call on Teresa Weatherspoon to run the show.
Techy 9
CoonAssy 41
EGM
Lady Techsters 0
Tigers 38
CB
LaTeck 6
LSU 42
Alabama at Mississippi State (+12.5), 7:00pm
CB
Nice little tune up for the Tide Saturday night before next week’s Iron Bowl. I don’t mean that MSU is a ginormous pushover that can’t exploit mistakes (and let’s face it, McElroy is just the kind of guy who can make ‘em), but I don’t think Saban is going to have to rely on the Bama QB too much in this one. I fully expect Mark Ingram to maintain his strong case for the Heisman with a big game, and the Tide Defense to hold these Bulldogs to under 250 yards of total offense. This will be a nice introduction into the spread offense as Bama gets ready for the SEC champ game, but I think the caliber of talent may be just a bit off haha…Tide Rolls
Bama 34
Westside Dawgs 12
ML
C-Tide 20
B-Dogs 10
EGM
Bamer 24
Miss State 9
Troy at Arkansas (-14), 7:30
CB
Didn’t even remember I landed on this game, and I almost left it blank. Whatever would we have done??!?! The Bourbon Boys would have been discredited and the laughing stock of the Blogosphere…I swear to God that is the first time I’ve ever used that word. I feel dirty. I’ll be honest with yall for a minute. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in this game. Please do NOT place a bet by using my score as an indicator. I am literally going to write two scores down on a piece of paper and flip a coin. Wait, that sounds like way to much work. I’m just gonna go with the Razorbacks cause I think they can probably put 40 points up on the Trojans defense and the talent level has to be skewed just enough in Arky’s favor to cover the spread. Wow, that was more analysis than I’ve done all year…pretty pathetic
Trojans 17
‘ZorBacks 40
ML
Trojans Cover 24
Your Hawgs 35
EGM
Trojans 13
Hawgs 28
Friday, November 06, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week X
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Man, I am still recovering from the FL/GA weekend. Great freaking time tailgating and a great game; my bourbon girl and I snuck in a large size travel flask of (guess), and I was successful at “having a great time.” Anyways, another thing that was great about the game was how submissive the UGA fans were; I love it when the opposing fans are more certain of your team’s victory than you are…And I’m not talking about the fake bullshit they pull in Auburn either. These Georgia fans were insisting the Gators were going to cover, and I should have listened to them. This week the bigtime game is in Tuscaloosa, the Gators wrapped up the SEC East last week, now the next goal is to remain undefeated!
Malt Licker
Good times last week in Jacksonville with Cuzzin’ Bailey, who was a most gracious host. A beautiful Saturday, a tremendous tailgate and a beatdown of Jawja almost made me forget I was in Jacksonville. Then the drive home….leaving that downtown is like trying to escape some black hole of hell. It’s a wonder ESPN.com is questioning the viability of an NFL franchise there. Other than Bama/LSU, it’s a shitty slate of games. It almost makes one want to talk about baseball…..GO YANKS!!!!
El Gran Mono
Its certainly been a whirlwind week and I find myself leading off Friday morning with a shot of Knob Creek, an Aleve, and copious amounts of Chipotleaway. Given my track record, I highly doubt this will affect my picks. Looking at the lineup, I think the BBoys should have rallied around the SEC West Championship game and taken an off week of their own. What about Week X speaks to an AD that they should schedule a DI-AA opponent?
South Carolina at Arkansas (-7), 12:21pm
EGM
The Cocks are experimenting with how many huge hits a QB can take before he voluntarily quits and heads to a life of alcohol and opiates. However, the Cocks did not pick an adequate subject to test because Steve Garcia was already living that life. Arkansas is a complete enigma. They have a pretty decent D-Line and a QB who throws p-rods. Yet they have lost to both UGA and Ole Miss. I’ll ride the home Hawgs in this game and lay the points. The Cocks looked lethargic in Neyland last week and Fayetteville isn’t the kind of place to get back on a roll.
Cocks 9
Hawgs 24
CB
Cocks 23
Backs 25
ML
SoCar 28
Sooey 33
Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky (NL), 1:00pm
ML
Known as “the Maroons” until 1960, EKU became the Colonels and went on to dominate the Ohio Valley Conference. Lee “Six Million Dollar Man” Majors attended EKU before he started banging Farrah Fawcett. Ironically, John Calipari is also known as the “Six Million Dollar Man.” It may have something to do with his recruiting budget. You’d think he’d divert some of that cash to poor Rich Brooks.
Colonel Steve Austin 6
sUK 29
CB
East 2
Pussies (You know, like cats) 34
EGM
Colonels 7
Kats 41
Tennessee Tech at Georgia (NL), 1:00pm
CB
This game, like most this week, is pretty meh-able. Other than USC/Ark, and LSU/Bama, every other game is either NL or a huge spread. I know that UGA has played a great (hard/difficult/full of losses) schedule, but at least this weekend we can finally get their douchebag fans to shut up. Joe Cox and the rest of the Bulldogs played like complete idiots last weekend. I can’t believe how marginal they still are…I mean I can believe it, but I’m surprised, oh and happy.
(the other) TTech 14
UGA 33
ML
Golden Eagles 6
Urban’s Bitches 37
EGM
Evil Eagles 10
Evil Joe Cox 48
Furman at Auburn (NL), 1:30pm
EGM
Huge matchup in Jerdin Hair this week. The Purple Paladins bring their chivalrous DI-AA style into the den of bad haircuts. I think they should joust instead of play football.
PPs 14
Plainsmen 52
CB
Dumb 4
Dumb and EVIL 32
ML
Purple Paladins 6
Navy Blue Plainsmen 27
LSU at Alabama (-7.5), 3:30
CB
This is the game of the week, and I finally got a good one. LSU is coming off two big wins (big in the sense that the margin of victory was large), since the loss to the Gators. This game has a shit load on the line, a Ramma Jamma win locks up the SEC West and a date with the Gators in the SEC Championship, an LSU win puts them in the driver’s seat. Basically what you are looking for in this game is whether or not LSU can make plays on Bama’s defense. We all know about how “great” LSU’s athletes are, but if they don’t get Charles Scott going on the ground and have to rely on Jefferson to pass the ball all over the Tide, then this could be a long game for the Tigers. Bama has had a week off since the dramatics of the UT-block-field-goal-game, and so hopefully for their sake they’ve gotten over the high. I think that the Tide will follow the Gators lead in shutting down LSU’s offense, but their real question is whether or not Saban’s pistol formation will be hard-nosed enough to run against a tough Tiger D. I like Bama to win, but I’m not sure about the points…
QB is skittish 13
RB likes to Run 20
ML
Tigers 13
Tide 20
EGM
Tigers 21
Bamer 20
Memphis at Tennessee (-26.5), 7:00pm
ML
Kiffykins is coming off his first win over a ranked team and looking to pile on against Memphis State. Monte’s defense has remained stout all year, to have any chance the Tigers need to conger up some additional eligibility for DeAngelo Williams. With that said, there is no way UT should be laying more than 3 touchdowns to anyone. Crompton still sucks. Whoever Memphis’ coach is should lay money on his team to cover and play it as close to the vest as possible.
Memphis 10
Knoxville 30
CB
Gangland 10
Crapland 38
EGM
Memphass 0
Vols 38
Vanderbilt at Florida (-34.5), 7:15pm
ML
Oooooh its Eye Gauge-Gate!!!! I just heard Craig “the drunken preacher” James demand a 3 game suspension for Spikes. Is he serious? A pre-pubescent Malt Licker hated this clown back when he was the lead analyst on Gameday. That was before he pulled a David Caruso, leaving ESPN to join CBS. Unfortunately, like a bad case of herpes, he is back to spoil things. As you can tell, I’m sick of his act. Our Gators dispensed of UGA and have a bye week before their final road test of the season. What’s that you say? We have a game? I don’t count Vandy.
Avoiding Wins 6
Avoiding Letdowns 44
CB
Dores and Dorks 13
Studs and Gators 49
EGM
Doremats 3
Gators 58
Northern Arizona at Ole Miss (NL), 7:30pm
CB
It’s a good thing that the Rebs are playing Nalthun Zona this week. The real excitement is to come in the next few weeks. Ole Miss hosts Tennessee and LSU and still (remarkably) has a psychotically outside shot at the SEC West Title. I know, I know its ridiculous, but if they win out, and others lose late, it could possibly happen, I think. Anyways, it would be very beneficial if the Rebs could maybe actually possibly create and maintain some momentum that apparently was obliterated last week when they lost to Orburn, if they are to have any shot at the title. Anyways, look for Snead to light up the …uh whoever they are, bigtime.
Who Are YOU? 5
Ole Miss by Damn 45
ML
Lumberjacks 11
Rebs 51
EGM
Lumberjacks 6
Rebs 45
Mississippi State - OFF
EGM
Muddin’ and coonhunts.
Man, I am still recovering from the FL/GA weekend. Great freaking time tailgating and a great game; my bourbon girl and I snuck in a large size travel flask of (guess), and I was successful at “having a great time.” Anyways, another thing that was great about the game was how submissive the UGA fans were; I love it when the opposing fans are more certain of your team’s victory than you are…And I’m not talking about the fake bullshit they pull in Auburn either. These Georgia fans were insisting the Gators were going to cover, and I should have listened to them. This week the bigtime game is in Tuscaloosa, the Gators wrapped up the SEC East last week, now the next goal is to remain undefeated!
Malt Licker
Good times last week in Jacksonville with Cuzzin’ Bailey, who was a most gracious host. A beautiful Saturday, a tremendous tailgate and a beatdown of Jawja almost made me forget I was in Jacksonville. Then the drive home….leaving that downtown is like trying to escape some black hole of hell. It’s a wonder ESPN.com is questioning the viability of an NFL franchise there. Other than Bama/LSU, it’s a shitty slate of games. It almost makes one want to talk about baseball…..GO YANKS!!!!
El Gran Mono
Its certainly been a whirlwind week and I find myself leading off Friday morning with a shot of Knob Creek, an Aleve, and copious amounts of Chipotleaway. Given my track record, I highly doubt this will affect my picks. Looking at the lineup, I think the BBoys should have rallied around the SEC West Championship game and taken an off week of their own. What about Week X speaks to an AD that they should schedule a DI-AA opponent?
South Carolina at Arkansas (-7), 12:21pm
EGM
The Cocks are experimenting with how many huge hits a QB can take before he voluntarily quits and heads to a life of alcohol and opiates. However, the Cocks did not pick an adequate subject to test because Steve Garcia was already living that life. Arkansas is a complete enigma. They have a pretty decent D-Line and a QB who throws p-rods. Yet they have lost to both UGA and Ole Miss. I’ll ride the home Hawgs in this game and lay the points. The Cocks looked lethargic in Neyland last week and Fayetteville isn’t the kind of place to get back on a roll.
Cocks 9
Hawgs 24
CB
Cocks 23
Backs 25
ML
SoCar 28
Sooey 33
Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky (NL), 1:00pm
ML
Known as “the Maroons” until 1960, EKU became the Colonels and went on to dominate the Ohio Valley Conference. Lee “Six Million Dollar Man” Majors attended EKU before he started banging Farrah Fawcett. Ironically, John Calipari is also known as the “Six Million Dollar Man.” It may have something to do with his recruiting budget. You’d think he’d divert some of that cash to poor Rich Brooks.
Colonel Steve Austin 6
sUK 29
CB
East 2
Pussies (You know, like cats) 34
EGM
Colonels 7
Kats 41
Tennessee Tech at Georgia (NL), 1:00pm
CB
This game, like most this week, is pretty meh-able. Other than USC/Ark, and LSU/Bama, every other game is either NL or a huge spread. I know that UGA has played a great (hard/difficult/full of losses) schedule, but at least this weekend we can finally get their douchebag fans to shut up. Joe Cox and the rest of the Bulldogs played like complete idiots last weekend. I can’t believe how marginal they still are…I mean I can believe it, but I’m surprised, oh and happy.
(the other) TTech 14
UGA 33
ML
Golden Eagles 6
Urban’s Bitches 37
EGM
Evil Eagles 10
Evil Joe Cox 48
Furman at Auburn (NL), 1:30pm
EGM
Huge matchup in Jerdin Hair this week. The Purple Paladins bring their chivalrous DI-AA style into the den of bad haircuts. I think they should joust instead of play football.
PPs 14
Plainsmen 52
CB
Dumb 4
Dumb and EVIL 32
ML
Purple Paladins 6
Navy Blue Plainsmen 27
LSU at Alabama (-7.5), 3:30
CB
This is the game of the week, and I finally got a good one. LSU is coming off two big wins (big in the sense that the margin of victory was large), since the loss to the Gators. This game has a shit load on the line, a Ramma Jamma win locks up the SEC West and a date with the Gators in the SEC Championship, an LSU win puts them in the driver’s seat. Basically what you are looking for in this game is whether or not LSU can make plays on Bama’s defense. We all know about how “great” LSU’s athletes are, but if they don’t get Charles Scott going on the ground and have to rely on Jefferson to pass the ball all over the Tide, then this could be a long game for the Tigers. Bama has had a week off since the dramatics of the UT-block-field-goal-game, and so hopefully for their sake they’ve gotten over the high. I think that the Tide will follow the Gators lead in shutting down LSU’s offense, but their real question is whether or not Saban’s pistol formation will be hard-nosed enough to run against a tough Tiger D. I like Bama to win, but I’m not sure about the points…
QB is skittish 13
RB likes to Run 20
ML
Tigers 13
Tide 20
EGM
Tigers 21
Bamer 20
Memphis at Tennessee (-26.5), 7:00pm
ML
Kiffykins is coming off his first win over a ranked team and looking to pile on against Memphis State. Monte’s defense has remained stout all year, to have any chance the Tigers need to conger up some additional eligibility for DeAngelo Williams. With that said, there is no way UT should be laying more than 3 touchdowns to anyone. Crompton still sucks. Whoever Memphis’ coach is should lay money on his team to cover and play it as close to the vest as possible.
Memphis 10
Knoxville 30
CB
Gangland 10
Crapland 38
EGM
Memphass 0
Vols 38
Vanderbilt at Florida (-34.5), 7:15pm
ML
Oooooh its Eye Gauge-Gate!!!! I just heard Craig “the drunken preacher” James demand a 3 game suspension for Spikes. Is he serious? A pre-pubescent Malt Licker hated this clown back when he was the lead analyst on Gameday. That was before he pulled a David Caruso, leaving ESPN to join CBS. Unfortunately, like a bad case of herpes, he is back to spoil things. As you can tell, I’m sick of his act. Our Gators dispensed of UGA and have a bye week before their final road test of the season. What’s that you say? We have a game? I don’t count Vandy.
Avoiding Wins 6
Avoiding Letdowns 44
CB
Dores and Dorks 13
Studs and Gators 49
EGM
Doremats 3
Gators 58
Northern Arizona at Ole Miss (NL), 7:30pm
CB
It’s a good thing that the Rebs are playing Nalthun Zona this week. The real excitement is to come in the next few weeks. Ole Miss hosts Tennessee and LSU and still (remarkably) has a psychotically outside shot at the SEC West Title. I know, I know its ridiculous, but if they win out, and others lose late, it could possibly happen, I think. Anyways, it would be very beneficial if the Rebs could maybe actually possibly create and maintain some momentum that apparently was obliterated last week when they lost to Orburn, if they are to have any shot at the title. Anyways, look for Snead to light up the …uh whoever they are, bigtime.
Who Are YOU? 5
Ole Miss by Damn 45
ML
Lumberjacks 11
Rebs 51
EGM
Lumberjacks 6
Rebs 45
Mississippi State - OFF
EGM
Muddin’ and coonhunts.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IX
El Gran Mono
Prepare for negativity my friends, because I’m amped up to trash pretty much every team out there. After all of the top teams struggled (excluding Tejas), the pundits are swarming upon the fact that there is parity in CFB. This usually happens around Week 11 when every player doesn’t turn out exactly as Athlon/Lindys/Sporting News predicted they would. Happy Halloween! I’ll be the guy dressed as a cynical college football fan.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Big Game this weekend! I always knew that Fla/Ga was a huge deal, but I love the electricity in Jacksonville this week. Well I’m being a little sarcastic, but seriously, now that the game approaches, and my guest list is filled, I cannot wait til Saturday! My Bourbon Girl is bringing her good luck to Jax, some amigos are driving up from the ‘Burg, and the Malt "effing" Licker is making the extra long trip from CougarTown (just to see me); so our tailgate may turn into a full on party. EGM’s pop is gonna be manning the grill, and the shotgunning of beers will commence circa 9:30am. In regards to the game, I am really hoping the awful UGA defense is the cure for whatever is ailing our Redzone offense. I am not NECESSARILY worried we will lose the game as much as I am worried we’ll look like shit doing it. I trust our defense and I’m pretty sure that Joe Cox won’t be the savior this year considering how bad we made Matt Stafford look last year…Go Gators!
Malt Licker
Just finished packing for the trip up to Jville to meet up with Cuzzin Bailey and attend the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail party. Jeter is facing the Dominican Rat, Pedro Martinez, I have a beer cracked, and I’m looking forward to quitting time Friday afternoon. I just wish El Gran Mono could join us. Last week, the Gators turned in another ugly victory, but are undefeated against the West for the first time since ’96. Mark pRicht and his Dawgs have a week to prepare. Normally this would be considered a “trap game,” but I have no doubt Tebow and the offense will be ultra-motivated, they just might not be that good. It should be a fantastic Halloween in Jacksonville; I’m looking for costume suggestions.
Ole Miss at Auburn (+3.5), 12:21
ML
These are two teams going in opposite directions. Nutt’s Rebs have righted the ship and have won two in a row behind a strong defense. Chiz’ Tigz were just blown out in Baton Rouge and are on the back side of a 3 game losing streak. Ole Piss is looking for its first back-to-back wins over Awbarn in 57 years. I’d be remiss if I didn’t comment on the faux genteel classiness of each school’s douchebag student body. Given the scarcity of bars in the “loveliest little village on the Plains,” it’s a good thing Reb fans are used to drinking in outside.
Spooky Rebels 27
Hungry Tigers 17
EGM
Rebs 28
Plainsmen 13
CB
Ole Ma’am 24
Orbarn 21
3:30pm
Georgia v. Florida -16.5, 3:30
EGM
World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! Take that Machenajad! You can’t curb my free speech, SON! Sorry, I had to get that out of the way. I’m not a fan of PC assholes or university President’s who think their limited oligarchy extends to curbing off campus boozing.
On to the actual game. The Gators have a completely shitty passing game highlighted by a QB who refuses to read defenses or throw the ball away. It’s a good thing they have a power running game that now features the I formation and three stud backs. Although UGA is better at stopping the run than the pass, they will still give up yards in chunks (at least until the red zone). The Dawgs offense is pretty one dimensional against any team with a pulse. And the worse part about the one dimension is that its keyed by Joe Cox. Mr Cox will find moving the ball difficult once AJ Green is taken away. I expect that will take about 0 plays considering everyone knows that Green is UGA’s only playmaker. Regardless of UF’s lethargic, predicable offense, I expect a pretty easy win and cover due to UGA’s inability to move the ball.
UGA needs a “safe zone” 10
Craptacular Gators 28
CB
Juhja 13
FLORIDA 28
ML
Losing 17 out of 20 10
Winning 18 in a row 24
Mississippi State at Kentucky (-3), 7
ML
All of a sudden it came to me. As I was watching our Gators struggle against their former coach, I had a thought. I must first ask our readers if they know the name of the child who played Augustus Gloop in the original Willy Wonka. Are we sure it wasn’t a young Dan Mullen? Talk about a doppelganger, I think I saw some fudge stains on Dan’s rosey cheeks. The Kats actually have a winning streak, perhaps delaying the annual autumnal shift in focus to hoops. Are the Dawgs satisfied with the “close loss” to the Gators, or will they actually try to, you know, win?
IM SOOOO HUNNNNGRRRYYY!!! 20
MEOWW 12
EGM
Miss State 13
KY 17
CB
MISSed Opportunities 23
Kensucks 24
Eastern Michigan at Arkansas (-37.5), 7
CB
By far this is the game of the week! Haha, I am actually not 100% sure I’m going to stay awake while typing this. I understand that Arkansas is still totally preoccupied by the “penalty-gate” in the SEC and that would explain their lame-duck performance last week in Oxford. I’m not saying the Rebs are a pushover, but after the “gutty” showing in Gainesburg two weeks ago, I expected more. But this week, the Hawgs are playing the hapless Eagles from the Eastern part of the Mitten. I fully expect a cover and a “look at how tough we are” outcome in favor of the slighted Razorbacks. Btw, I guess its only a big deal when you play shitbox teams in the BEGINNING of the season.
EMU 7
Arky 47
EGM
Its Education First in Ypsilanti 10
Its Football First in Fayetteville 49
ML
Poultry 6
Pork 49
Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt (+11.5), 7:30
CB
I have no problem predicting a full on throttling from Paul Johnson’s triple option Flexbone. I was gonna say that Vandy has been decent even in their losses, but that’s not really true. They’ve been beat pretty handily by UGA, Ole Miss, and LSU. They aren’t giving up HUGE amounts of points, but they can’t score to save their lives. They’ve scored 133 points in 8 games (about 16 points per game). Compare that to GT’s 261 total points, and that’s almost double! I have to admit that watching the Tech games is a guilty pleasure of mine. I am really digging the triple option, and I’m praying that IF we don’t make it to the title game that UF does NOT have to face them in a bowl game. Not saying they can beat us, but right now its seriously clicking and its scary to watch. Combine the fact that everything is going the Yellow Jackets way and the fact that Vandy has a fast track, and we could be looking at a bigtime blowout.
Runnin’ Ramblin’ Wreck 34
Gonna get wishBONED. 14
EGM
Jackets 31
Smandy 7
ML
ACC Dorks 30
SEC Dorks 14
South Carolina at Tennessee (-5), 7:45
CB
I see that Kiffen has been reprimanded again for being a bitch, and was basically told that if he opens up his trap and causes another stir he MAY get more than a slap on the wrist. I hear all the Vols fans talking about how they are impressed with his ability to keep UT’s name in the media and bring attention to the school, but is this really the kind of exposure you want? I remember when Zook was fighting frat boys and thriving on the reputation of being a “player’s coach” and I’m thinking that this wasn’t the kind of guy I want coaching my favorite team…just saying. The Gamecocks are having a great-ish year (relatively), and are already bowl eligible. UT is 3-4 and coming off an emotional loss to Bama (Kick Vols, Kick), so they will either be hunting for retribution or realize they are a total joke and that no one outside of KnoxVegas cares that they almost won. God I hope USC wins this game. Oh and btw, bet the UNDER, I’m looking for a low scoring game.
Cocks 13
Puke Orange 14
EGM
Cocks 10
Vols 13
ML
Cockfighters 19
Ref Haters 17
Tulane at LSU (-35), 8
EGM
I read an article somewhere that said LSU should watch out Tulane because they might be looking ahead to Bama. That’s a pretty stupid thing to say. Even with JJeff pulling the strings at QB, there is no chance they lose to hapless Tulane.
Green Waves usually smell like shit 0
Baton Rouge smells like shit 41
CB
Tulane 13
LSU 40
ML
Wave of Green 5
Red Stick of Shit 31
USC at Oregon (+3), 8
EGM
This could be the biggest game in the history of Animal House U. The Ducks have recovered from their asskicking in Boise and have run roughshod over the Pac-10 ever since. However, I’m still pissed they lost to Boise because we have to listen to all this “they deserve a shot” talk for another full year. Its ridiculous and I hate it.
USC’s defense doesn’t appear to be quite as good as everyone thought they would be. Oregon State moved the ball with ease against them throughout the second half. Good thing Matt Barkley has matured quickly in order to put up the points necessary for victory. Well, I think the party is going to end for young Matt in the horrors of Autzen stadium. The Ducks are playing good defense these days and I expect the rookie mistakes to come out. Prepare for some BCS controversy! What’s that like?
Trojans 17
Quackers 21
CB
Carroll’s homies 32
Home of Charlie’s Parents 27
ML
Men of Troy 16
Ducks of Quack 20
Alabama – OFF
ML
It seems like I always get the goddamn bye week. Bama has a week off before their final big test before Atlanta. Fat Boy Cody came clutch with a big block of Kiffy McSissypants game winning attempt. I hear the notoriety has earned him a cover on this week’s front page of BBW Magazine.
Prepare for negativity my friends, because I’m amped up to trash pretty much every team out there. After all of the top teams struggled (excluding Tejas), the pundits are swarming upon the fact that there is parity in CFB. This usually happens around Week 11 when every player doesn’t turn out exactly as Athlon/Lindys/Sporting News predicted they would. Happy Halloween! I’ll be the guy dressed as a cynical college football fan.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Big Game this weekend! I always knew that Fla/Ga was a huge deal, but I love the electricity in Jacksonville this week. Well I’m being a little sarcastic, but seriously, now that the game approaches, and my guest list is filled, I cannot wait til Saturday! My Bourbon Girl is bringing her good luck to Jax, some amigos are driving up from the ‘Burg, and the Malt "effing" Licker is making the extra long trip from CougarTown (just to see me); so our tailgate may turn into a full on party. EGM’s pop is gonna be manning the grill, and the shotgunning of beers will commence circa 9:30am. In regards to the game, I am really hoping the awful UGA defense is the cure for whatever is ailing our Redzone offense. I am not NECESSARILY worried we will lose the game as much as I am worried we’ll look like shit doing it. I trust our defense and I’m pretty sure that Joe Cox won’t be the savior this year considering how bad we made Matt Stafford look last year…Go Gators!
Malt Licker
Just finished packing for the trip up to Jville to meet up with Cuzzin Bailey and attend the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail party. Jeter is facing the Dominican Rat, Pedro Martinez, I have a beer cracked, and I’m looking forward to quitting time Friday afternoon. I just wish El Gran Mono could join us. Last week, the Gators turned in another ugly victory, but are undefeated against the West for the first time since ’96. Mark pRicht and his Dawgs have a week to prepare. Normally this would be considered a “trap game,” but I have no doubt Tebow and the offense will be ultra-motivated, they just might not be that good. It should be a fantastic Halloween in Jacksonville; I’m looking for costume suggestions.
Ole Miss at Auburn (+3.5), 12:21
ML
These are two teams going in opposite directions. Nutt’s Rebs have righted the ship and have won two in a row behind a strong defense. Chiz’ Tigz were just blown out in Baton Rouge and are on the back side of a 3 game losing streak. Ole Piss is looking for its first back-to-back wins over Awbarn in 57 years. I’d be remiss if I didn’t comment on the faux genteel classiness of each school’s douchebag student body. Given the scarcity of bars in the “loveliest little village on the Plains,” it’s a good thing Reb fans are used to drinking in outside.
Spooky Rebels 27
Hungry Tigers 17
EGM
Rebs 28
Plainsmen 13
CB
Ole Ma’am 24
Orbarn 21
3:30pm
Georgia v. Florida -16.5, 3:30
EGM
World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! Take that Machenajad! You can’t curb my free speech, SON! Sorry, I had to get that out of the way. I’m not a fan of PC assholes or university President’s who think their limited oligarchy extends to curbing off campus boozing.
On to the actual game. The Gators have a completely shitty passing game highlighted by a QB who refuses to read defenses or throw the ball away. It’s a good thing they have a power running game that now features the I formation and three stud backs. Although UGA is better at stopping the run than the pass, they will still give up yards in chunks (at least until the red zone). The Dawgs offense is pretty one dimensional against any team with a pulse. And the worse part about the one dimension is that its keyed by Joe Cox. Mr Cox will find moving the ball difficult once AJ Green is taken away. I expect that will take about 0 plays considering everyone knows that Green is UGA’s only playmaker. Regardless of UF’s lethargic, predicable offense, I expect a pretty easy win and cover due to UGA’s inability to move the ball.
UGA needs a “safe zone” 10
Craptacular Gators 28
CB
Juhja 13
FLORIDA 28
ML
Losing 17 out of 20 10
Winning 18 in a row 24
Mississippi State at Kentucky (-3), 7
ML
All of a sudden it came to me. As I was watching our Gators struggle against their former coach, I had a thought. I must first ask our readers if they know the name of the child who played Augustus Gloop in the original Willy Wonka. Are we sure it wasn’t a young Dan Mullen? Talk about a doppelganger, I think I saw some fudge stains on Dan’s rosey cheeks. The Kats actually have a winning streak, perhaps delaying the annual autumnal shift in focus to hoops. Are the Dawgs satisfied with the “close loss” to the Gators, or will they actually try to, you know, win?
IM SOOOO HUNNNNGRRRYYY!!! 20
MEOWW 12
EGM
Miss State 13
KY 17
CB
MISSed Opportunities 23
Kensucks 24
Eastern Michigan at Arkansas (-37.5), 7
CB
By far this is the game of the week! Haha, I am actually not 100% sure I’m going to stay awake while typing this. I understand that Arkansas is still totally preoccupied by the “penalty-gate” in the SEC and that would explain their lame-duck performance last week in Oxford. I’m not saying the Rebs are a pushover, but after the “gutty” showing in Gainesburg two weeks ago, I expected more. But this week, the Hawgs are playing the hapless Eagles from the Eastern part of the Mitten. I fully expect a cover and a “look at how tough we are” outcome in favor of the slighted Razorbacks. Btw, I guess its only a big deal when you play shitbox teams in the BEGINNING of the season.
EMU 7
Arky 47
EGM
Its Education First in Ypsilanti 10
Its Football First in Fayetteville 49
ML
Poultry 6
Pork 49
Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt (+11.5), 7:30
CB
I have no problem predicting a full on throttling from Paul Johnson’s triple option Flexbone. I was gonna say that Vandy has been decent even in their losses, but that’s not really true. They’ve been beat pretty handily by UGA, Ole Miss, and LSU. They aren’t giving up HUGE amounts of points, but they can’t score to save their lives. They’ve scored 133 points in 8 games (about 16 points per game). Compare that to GT’s 261 total points, and that’s almost double! I have to admit that watching the Tech games is a guilty pleasure of mine. I am really digging the triple option, and I’m praying that IF we don’t make it to the title game that UF does NOT have to face them in a bowl game. Not saying they can beat us, but right now its seriously clicking and its scary to watch. Combine the fact that everything is going the Yellow Jackets way and the fact that Vandy has a fast track, and we could be looking at a bigtime blowout.
Runnin’ Ramblin’ Wreck 34
Gonna get wishBONED. 14
EGM
Jackets 31
Smandy 7
ML
ACC Dorks 30
SEC Dorks 14
South Carolina at Tennessee (-5), 7:45
CB
I see that Kiffen has been reprimanded again for being a bitch, and was basically told that if he opens up his trap and causes another stir he MAY get more than a slap on the wrist. I hear all the Vols fans talking about how they are impressed with his ability to keep UT’s name in the media and bring attention to the school, but is this really the kind of exposure you want? I remember when Zook was fighting frat boys and thriving on the reputation of being a “player’s coach” and I’m thinking that this wasn’t the kind of guy I want coaching my favorite team…just saying. The Gamecocks are having a great-ish year (relatively), and are already bowl eligible. UT is 3-4 and coming off an emotional loss to Bama (Kick Vols, Kick), so they will either be hunting for retribution or realize they are a total joke and that no one outside of KnoxVegas cares that they almost won. God I hope USC wins this game. Oh and btw, bet the UNDER, I’m looking for a low scoring game.
Cocks 13
Puke Orange 14
EGM
Cocks 10
Vols 13
ML
Cockfighters 19
Ref Haters 17
Tulane at LSU (-35), 8
EGM
I read an article somewhere that said LSU should watch out Tulane because they might be looking ahead to Bama. That’s a pretty stupid thing to say. Even with JJeff pulling the strings at QB, there is no chance they lose to hapless Tulane.
Green Waves usually smell like shit 0
Baton Rouge smells like shit 41
CB
Tulane 13
LSU 40
ML
Wave of Green 5
Red Stick of Shit 31
USC at Oregon (+3), 8
EGM
This could be the biggest game in the history of Animal House U. The Ducks have recovered from their asskicking in Boise and have run roughshod over the Pac-10 ever since. However, I’m still pissed they lost to Boise because we have to listen to all this “they deserve a shot” talk for another full year. Its ridiculous and I hate it.
USC’s defense doesn’t appear to be quite as good as everyone thought they would be. Oregon State moved the ball with ease against them throughout the second half. Good thing Matt Barkley has matured quickly in order to put up the points necessary for victory. Well, I think the party is going to end for young Matt in the horrors of Autzen stadium. The Ducks are playing good defense these days and I expect the rookie mistakes to come out. Prepare for some BCS controversy! What’s that like?
Trojans 17
Quackers 21
CB
Carroll’s homies 32
Home of Charlie’s Parents 27
ML
Men of Troy 16
Ducks of Quack 20
Alabama – OFF
ML
It seems like I always get the goddamn bye week. Bama has a week off before their final big test before Atlanta. Fat Boy Cody came clutch with a big block of Kiffy McSissypants game winning attempt. I hear the notoriety has earned him a cover on this week’s front page of BBW Magazine.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII
Malt Licker
Well the Gators played like crap and were able to escape. I suppose that is good news, but I’d love to see our offense perform within the same galaxy as last years. I think this proves how important Percy and L Murph were to the squad. We have to find a way to open things up, or we will most assuredly have a hiccup along the way. The rest of the week’s slate is pretty uninspiring, with the most compelling game being Kiffie-kin’s first trip to Tuscaloosa.
El Gran Mono
There has been a lot of talk this week that SEC Refs suck (which is very true) so I think I’ll incorporate that into my takes a little more heavily. I’m finally at .500 despite the refs sucking and Cuz can hear me running behind him Steve Atwater style. Will he alligator arm it or catch it like a champ? Or will the refs blow it? I’m betting on door number one. I think I’ve finally got a handle on Vandy. I’m hoping the Gators have a handle on Starkville.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Where to begin? Apparently UF didn’t deserve to win last week. I’m just paraphrasing every single “comment board” on ESPN (dot) com this week. I guess the only thing that would make those loser Arkansas fans (as well as every Gator Hater in the world) happy would be for Florida to concede this and voluntarily forfeit the game. Let me tell you, BAD CALLS HAPPEN! Ask UGA. Ask UF after the 2003 Florida State game. Shit happens. We (the fans of that team) stew about it for years and years to come, but guess what changes…Jack SHIT. Ah, glad I got that off my chest. Oh, btw, if UF didn’t get that personal foul call, it still would have been 2nd and 9 on the 20. It ain’t like we hadn’t been moving the ball ALL GAME. Barring another fumble and we’re looking at the same result. God I hate whiners. Unless their name is Cuzzin Bailey. Last thing, sorry my comments don’t reek with the professional prose of one Malt Licker. We should all bow to his superior intellect and humility HAHA…loser.
Arkansas at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
ML
The Hawgs nearly ended the nation’s longest winning streak in the Swamp last week. Can they use the momentum from this moral victory and knock off their old coach? The only person in Oxford having a worse season than Jevan Snead is his barber. How does he get that look? With a ruler? Anyway, is it possible Ole Miss just isn’t that good? I’m giving my boy Houston one more chance.
Sooey 21
Toddy 31
EGM
Hawgs 21
Rebs 20
CB
Sore Losers 23
Oxford Comeback? 25
Tennessee at Alabama (-16.5), 3:30
ML
Mr. Kiffykins comes to town to face the other rival he ticked off during the offseason. Can he cover the spread again? If he does, it will have more to do with Daddy, who has two weeks to devise a scheme to stop Mark Ingram. If Crapton can keep the turnovers at 2, the Vols can make this interesting. I feel like Bama is due for a scare.
White shirted Vols 13
Crimson stained sheets 21
EGM
Monte keeps it close 13
Saban likes it close 17
CB
Probation in 2 years 10
Roll over Kiffin 27
Louisiana-Monroe at Kentucky (-15.5), 7
CB
Boy how lucky did I get? The only non-All-SEC game in the bunch. I presume that UK will be able to pull out the win here on the blue grass, but I’m curious how easily they’ll score 15 points total! I’m gonna run blind here cause I really don’t care about wasting anyone’s time with analysis. I’m sure LA-Mon has put up some great number against whatever teams they play, which explains this relatively small spread. Kentucky is coming off a huge win on the Plains against the scumbag Tigers. Speaking of that game, I love watching their fans look so dumbfounded when a team they deem inferior goes into Orburn and comes out with a W. Good times. Kats roll here, hey here’s some breaking news…one of Kensucky’s basketball recruit’s eligibility is ALREADY in question…gotta love Calipari, he sure doesn’t waste any time cheating…
MON-roe 14
Kant beat Kentucky’s Kats 30
ML
LaMo 13
UK 34
EGM
LaMo 10
KY 28
Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-12.5), 7
EGM
Ol’ Spurdog took one on the chops last week vs. Saban and his nasty defense. If only Stephen Garcia wouldn’t get rattled so easily they might have…hmmm…if only. The Cocks don’t have much of a running game and that could make this matchup quite interesting because Vandy has a great pass defense statistically. However, I think their great pass defense is only a result of their terrible rush defense. Spurdog does tend to force the issue with what he feels is “right” even if its not working. But with a week to prepare I would expect the “right” gameplan to incorporate a steady diet of running. That won’t be good for Vandy who really sucks on offense. Even the refs can’t help out with that.
Dores 3
Cocks 17
ML
Vanderdork 12
GameCocks 29
CB
Logically Terrible 9
We’ll Spit Dip in yer Eye 22
Florida at Mississippi State (+22), 7:30
CB
Hell yea. The Gators won last week, after turning the ball over 4 times, thrice in or around the redzone. But now that last week is over, its time to talk about a place I just started referring to as the “Twilight Zone for Gator Football”. Sure, it’s not a real supernatural place, like the Bermuda Triangle, but this is a “city” where UF forgets all it knows about football. A place where defensive captains elect to “kickoff” when the only real option is to “receive,” a place where there are more cowbells in one square mile than there are in the entire state of Texas, A PLACE where Mississippi State thrives when the Gators come to town. 1992, the last Thursday night game UF has played, Shane Matthews throws 5 interceptions in his home state. 2000, Spurrier elects to punt on 3rd down, the Miss Dogs have 2 150+ yard rushers, and my dad is drinking whisky and water from the melted ice in the cooler. 2004, without that loss, Zook would not have been fired, in retrospect I’m happy about that one. Regardless, of course we SHOULD win this Saturday, but the SEC SHOULD be regulating the illegal noise-maker policy in Starkville too, but that shit ain’t happening. Oh yea, aside from all the spookiness and superstition about Davis Wade Stadium at Scott Field, the Gators are facing their old offensive coordinator…he probably knows what to expect…but can they execute, that’s the question…I think its about time the Gators defense got over the LSU hangover and Janoris Jenkins remembered how to cover. This is the last time I’m gonna make a multi-interception call for our D. If it doesn’t happen this weekend I’m beginning a self-invoked moratorium on praise for our secondary…don’t let me down guys.
Road GATORS 40
Home (smelly) Dawgs 15
ML
More Gators 37
Less Cowbell 6
EGM
Demons Out 41
Turnover Machine 13
Auburn at LSU (-8), 7:30
EGM
This is traditionally one of my favorite games to watch. It always seems like the teams come out hitting extra hard and there is a lot of jawing. Former LSU QB Andrew “To Good for Harvard” Hatch got crushed so hard last year he couldn’t stand up and didn’t remember large portions of the game. Chris Todd is a much better player this year and certainly can’t play worse than last year. That said, the Plainsmen lost to KY last week…AT HOME. Not good. However, they do have one major thing in their favor and that’s Jordan Jefferson. He’s positively awful. Auburn will have absolutely no problem stopping him. The question then remains, will Gary Crowton and Les Miles adjust and run the wildcat or take Jefferson out of the game? I doubt it. Imagine losing TWICE at night in the same season. Yep, its gonna happen, just like every season in the 80’s. Oh yeah, the refs will suck.
Plainsmen 21
Cajuns 10
ML
Plainsmen 10
Coonasses 14
CB
Prissy Tigers 13
Disgusting Tigers 15
Georgia – OFF
ML
Coach Richt will enjoy this bye week by watching me bang his wife.
Well the Gators played like crap and were able to escape. I suppose that is good news, but I’d love to see our offense perform within the same galaxy as last years. I think this proves how important Percy and L Murph were to the squad. We have to find a way to open things up, or we will most assuredly have a hiccup along the way. The rest of the week’s slate is pretty uninspiring, with the most compelling game being Kiffie-kin’s first trip to Tuscaloosa.
El Gran Mono
There has been a lot of talk this week that SEC Refs suck (which is very true) so I think I’ll incorporate that into my takes a little more heavily. I’m finally at .500 despite the refs sucking and Cuz can hear me running behind him Steve Atwater style. Will he alligator arm it or catch it like a champ? Or will the refs blow it? I’m betting on door number one. I think I’ve finally got a handle on Vandy. I’m hoping the Gators have a handle on Starkville.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Where to begin? Apparently UF didn’t deserve to win last week. I’m just paraphrasing every single “comment board” on ESPN (dot) com this week. I guess the only thing that would make those loser Arkansas fans (as well as every Gator Hater in the world) happy would be for Florida to concede this and voluntarily forfeit the game. Let me tell you, BAD CALLS HAPPEN! Ask UGA. Ask UF after the 2003 Florida State game. Shit happens. We (the fans of that team) stew about it for years and years to come, but guess what changes…Jack SHIT. Ah, glad I got that off my chest. Oh, btw, if UF didn’t get that personal foul call, it still would have been 2nd and 9 on the 20. It ain’t like we hadn’t been moving the ball ALL GAME. Barring another fumble and we’re looking at the same result. God I hate whiners. Unless their name is Cuzzin Bailey. Last thing, sorry my comments don’t reek with the professional prose of one Malt Licker. We should all bow to his superior intellect and humility HAHA…loser.
Arkansas at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
ML
The Hawgs nearly ended the nation’s longest winning streak in the Swamp last week. Can they use the momentum from this moral victory and knock off their old coach? The only person in Oxford having a worse season than Jevan Snead is his barber. How does he get that look? With a ruler? Anyway, is it possible Ole Miss just isn’t that good? I’m giving my boy Houston one more chance.
Sooey 21
Toddy 31
EGM
Hawgs 21
Rebs 20
CB
Sore Losers 23
Oxford Comeback? 25
Tennessee at Alabama (-16.5), 3:30
ML
Mr. Kiffykins comes to town to face the other rival he ticked off during the offseason. Can he cover the spread again? If he does, it will have more to do with Daddy, who has two weeks to devise a scheme to stop Mark Ingram. If Crapton can keep the turnovers at 2, the Vols can make this interesting. I feel like Bama is due for a scare.
White shirted Vols 13
Crimson stained sheets 21
EGM
Monte keeps it close 13
Saban likes it close 17
CB
Probation in 2 years 10
Roll over Kiffin 27
Louisiana-Monroe at Kentucky (-15.5), 7
CB
Boy how lucky did I get? The only non-All-SEC game in the bunch. I presume that UK will be able to pull out the win here on the blue grass, but I’m curious how easily they’ll score 15 points total! I’m gonna run blind here cause I really don’t care about wasting anyone’s time with analysis. I’m sure LA-Mon has put up some great number against whatever teams they play, which explains this relatively small spread. Kentucky is coming off a huge win on the Plains against the scumbag Tigers. Speaking of that game, I love watching their fans look so dumbfounded when a team they deem inferior goes into Orburn and comes out with a W. Good times. Kats roll here, hey here’s some breaking news…one of Kensucky’s basketball recruit’s eligibility is ALREADY in question…gotta love Calipari, he sure doesn’t waste any time cheating…
MON-roe 14
Kant beat Kentucky’s Kats 30
ML
LaMo 13
UK 34
EGM
LaMo 10
KY 28
Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-12.5), 7
EGM
Ol’ Spurdog took one on the chops last week vs. Saban and his nasty defense. If only Stephen Garcia wouldn’t get rattled so easily they might have…hmmm…if only. The Cocks don’t have much of a running game and that could make this matchup quite interesting because Vandy has a great pass defense statistically. However, I think their great pass defense is only a result of their terrible rush defense. Spurdog does tend to force the issue with what he feels is “right” even if its not working. But with a week to prepare I would expect the “right” gameplan to incorporate a steady diet of running. That won’t be good for Vandy who really sucks on offense. Even the refs can’t help out with that.
Dores 3
Cocks 17
ML
Vanderdork 12
GameCocks 29
CB
Logically Terrible 9
We’ll Spit Dip in yer Eye 22
Florida at Mississippi State (+22), 7:30
CB
Hell yea. The Gators won last week, after turning the ball over 4 times, thrice in or around the redzone. But now that last week is over, its time to talk about a place I just started referring to as the “Twilight Zone for Gator Football”. Sure, it’s not a real supernatural place, like the Bermuda Triangle, but this is a “city” where UF forgets all it knows about football. A place where defensive captains elect to “kickoff” when the only real option is to “receive,” a place where there are more cowbells in one square mile than there are in the entire state of Texas, A PLACE where Mississippi State thrives when the Gators come to town. 1992, the last Thursday night game UF has played, Shane Matthews throws 5 interceptions in his home state. 2000, Spurrier elects to punt on 3rd down, the Miss Dogs have 2 150+ yard rushers, and my dad is drinking whisky and water from the melted ice in the cooler. 2004, without that loss, Zook would not have been fired, in retrospect I’m happy about that one. Regardless, of course we SHOULD win this Saturday, but the SEC SHOULD be regulating the illegal noise-maker policy in Starkville too, but that shit ain’t happening. Oh yea, aside from all the spookiness and superstition about Davis Wade Stadium at Scott Field, the Gators are facing their old offensive coordinator…he probably knows what to expect…but can they execute, that’s the question…I think its about time the Gators defense got over the LSU hangover and Janoris Jenkins remembered how to cover. This is the last time I’m gonna make a multi-interception call for our D. If it doesn’t happen this weekend I’m beginning a self-invoked moratorium on praise for our secondary…don’t let me down guys.
Road GATORS 40
Home (smelly) Dawgs 15
ML
More Gators 37
Less Cowbell 6
EGM
Demons Out 41
Turnover Machine 13
Auburn at LSU (-8), 7:30
EGM
This is traditionally one of my favorite games to watch. It always seems like the teams come out hitting extra hard and there is a lot of jawing. Former LSU QB Andrew “To Good for Harvard” Hatch got crushed so hard last year he couldn’t stand up and didn’t remember large portions of the game. Chris Todd is a much better player this year and certainly can’t play worse than last year. That said, the Plainsmen lost to KY last week…AT HOME. Not good. However, they do have one major thing in their favor and that’s Jordan Jefferson. He’s positively awful. Auburn will have absolutely no problem stopping him. The question then remains, will Gary Crowton and Les Miles adjust and run the wildcat or take Jefferson out of the game? I doubt it. Imagine losing TWICE at night in the same season. Yep, its gonna happen, just like every season in the 80’s. Oh yeah, the refs will suck.
Plainsmen 21
Cajuns 10
ML
Plainsmen 10
Coonasses 14
CB
Prissy Tigers 13
Disgusting Tigers 15
Georgia – OFF
ML
Coach Richt will enjoy this bye week by watching me bang his wife.
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