Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK I

Malt Licker

An article from Pat Dooley in this week’s Sun reminds us that it was only 20 years ago when the University of Florida was still searching for its first official conference title. Now, 8 SEC Championships, 3 national championships, and 2 Heisman Trophy winners later, we find ourselves once again in the preseason top 5. Hard to believe. I’ll take another twenty years like the previous twenty, but I know Urb’s hell bent on topping it. Will that desire lead us to unprecedented heights, or Meyer’s early retirement? Perhaps both. Barring injury, this week will have no bearing on the rest of the season. The entire slate throughout the conference is a steaming pile of crap.

Cuzzin Bailey

As I sit here having a few Tecate beers, a few things come to mind. 1) Do they use Mexican water to make this beer? If so, this may be a short contribution by the Cuz; 2) Is there any more an exciting time then the first College Football week? Finally, all of the speculation and the off-season stories can be resolved and matters may be settled on the field. The smell of bourbon and burgers in the air that comes stock with SEC football; 3) Other than being ranked in the top 5 by the AP and Coaches, the Gators seem to flying WAY under the radar compared to the past few years, and I must say, I love this; and 4) Am I the only one that can’t wait for Va Tech to kick the shit out of Boise State? It is oh so important that the Hokies take care of business this week, because if they do not, the Broncos have a cake walk schedule into Glendale, AZ at the end of the season. I just looked at their schedule and other than V-Tech, the toughest game they have is against Oregon State, which, I know, isn’t exactly easy. They play teams others schedule as pre-season games. Anyways, I’m sure it will all work out in the end, but I figured I would express my concerns immediately with all of you. Well, I hope yall aren’t looking for anything too in-depth this week as I have no idea what to expect, but hell hardly any of these games matter…SO let’s do this and GO GATORS!

El Gran Mono
Football is back!! And on 9/02/10 no less. In honor of my favorite TV show, lets go through a who's who in the SEC this year.

Bama - Brandon Walsh - Consistent, polished look. Annoyingly good. When they make mistakes, they are big mistakes. Drunk driving accidents, paying players, gambling with bookies (and having your boss pay them off), hiring player's fathers, sleeping with their professor's wife, coaches sleeping with their secretary, calling your recent ex a lesbian, firing your coach for having their picture taken with a stripper.

Florida - Brenda Walsh - Can look really hot when firing on all cylinders. At times, nothing can get in the way of saving animals, winning Nat'l Champsionships, and getting Dylan McKay back - not even FBI stings, Kelly Taylor, or the Alabama defense/Oklahoma offense. However, also prone to being a hothead leading to poor results - extreme spread against good defenses, marrying Stuart to piss Jim McKay off, failure to tackle against Bama, and moving in with Dylan at age 16.

Georgia - Kelly Taylor - Attractive and well groomed but full of lingering doubts. Whether its inability to communicate with a wayward father, self-image problems (despite weighing 100lbs with a smoking body), or the sense of impending doom before the annual loss to a hated rival.

LSU - Dylan McKay - Always a wild card. Despite winning Nat'l Championships or riding high on a $10 million trust fund, a coke/heroine/hooker depression fest or 7-5 season is never far away. Also, very dangerous, may throw batteries/glassware at opposing fans, ride/work on motorcycles, drink to extreme excess, or pull firearms on friends.

South Carolina - David Silver - Mildly talented but can't get over the hump. Penchant for winning the high school talent show and recruiting well but when it comes to rising to the top, it never seems to happen. Sure, you can go 6-0 or play backup keyboard for Babyface but you always end up with four losses and a Friday night sexless date with Donna Martin.

Ole Miss - Donna Martin - Poor clothing choices, worse grooming, and an inclination for false appearances. Perceived as wholesome, but in reality just trust funded morons who think they are way better than they are (see firing of Cutcliffe, attempt to become fashion designer).

Arkansas - Valerie Malone - Curvy and dangerous with lots of fast receivers and a strong armed QB. Extremely potent, but hollow inside. Lots of demons, whether its from killing their sexually abusive father, firing their most successful coach, or blowing fourth quarter leads in big games. Always hating/loving their home town (SWC or Buffalo).

Tennesssee - Nat Bussichio - Lots of succcess in the past but always on the brink of collapse. The Peach Pit can be thriving hangout for celebrities or it can be bankrupt the next day because of a decision to install a Karoke machine (Win SEC East one year, go 6-6 the next year).

Auburn - Steve Sanders - Always second fiddle despite a pretty good track record. You drive a new Corvette at all times, become President of your fraternity, go undefeated twice, and constantly compete for the conference title yet no one seems to respect you. Maybe its the haircut or three nicknames?

Kentucky - Ray Pruitt - Always talking about "your world", be it management of a pumpkin patch, working construction or winning basketball games. Evil at heart - i.e. - domestic abuse, Calipari...

Vanderbilt - Andrea Zuckerman-Vazquez - Ugly, irritating, perceived as smart. Everyone can't wait for them to leave.

Missisippi State - Jesse Vazquez - Lawyer, member of prestigous conference. Lots of losing, marriage to ugly, self-involved woman. Appearances can be deceptive...

You can follow EGM's rants all week long on Twitter: @elgranmono1865


September 2, 2010

Malt Licker
Southern Miss at South Carolina (-14) 7:30pm

It would be wrong to follow up my intro without bowing down to the Ol’ Ball Coach. Since the ‘Cocks might be the biggest competition for the Gators in the East, I’ll need to get it out of my system. Soon, he will be the enemy. The Cocks kickoff the season on a Thursday yet again, this time against a talented squad from Southern Miss. Rumor has it Stephen Garcia is on the wagon, but he can be DC-era Cuzzin’ Bailey hammered this week, as Spur-Dog’s experienced defensive front will take advantage of the Eagles young offensive line and shut out Favre’s boys from Hattiesburg.

Golden Iggles 0
G-Cocks 23

CB
Suthun Mess 13
Sorth Carolina 26

EGM

Golden Eagles - 14
Cocks - 31


September 4, 2010

12:00pm

Malt Licker
Miami (OH) at Florida (-35)

I’ve considered not writing about any games we play against our September sub-standard competition, as a silent protest. I don’t know if our circulation is expansive enough to generate much of a fuss in Foley’s office, so tell your friends about us! The Red Hawks Zac Dysert is supposed to be the top QB in the MAC, which is sort of like being the whitest dude in Somalia. I know Gators are excited for the John Brantley era to begin, but really, it will be exactly like all of his previous appearances. He’ll be lighting up another overmatched secondary.

Redmen 3
UF 54

CB
Meeami de Ohio 7
FLORIDA GATORS! 54

EGM
Redmen 6
Gators 48


12:20pm

Malt Licker
Louisiana-Lafayette at Georgia (-28)

Lou-La vs. Jawja. The Ragin’ Cajuns arrive in Athens, who can finally lay claim to the #1 ranking in something, partying. No doubt Mike “Temperence” Brown lit up Bernie Macheninajad’s phone line to find out how to lower their ranking. Did you know the Cajun’s mascot is an anthromorphic cayenne pepper with the rather unimaginative name of….Cayenne.

Creole U 6
Dawgs 31

CB
LA-Laf 6
Jawga 50

EGM
Rajin' Cajunz 13
UGA 31


3:30pm

El Gran Mono
Jacksonville State at Ole Miss (NL)
No Masoli. Those two words might sum up the Rebs season. Although, whatever hack Ole Miss comes up with to start may not be much worse than hyper-average Jevan Snead from a year ago. The biggest loss to overcome for the Rebels will be Dexter McCluster. He was basically their entire offense. When they were using him 30 times a game, they looked very good. When they were trying the traditional offense with an average back and Jevan Snead "breaking down" defenses, they looked very bad. I like Nutt. Not so much for his coaching prowess but for his enthusiam. He always seems to have good teams even though they look crappy on paper. Maybe he'll pull another Matt Jones out of a hat. I refuse to discuss a game involving Jax (not in FL) State.

Jax St 7
Rebs 48

ML
The Nicer Jacksonville State University 9
Ole Piss 41

CB
Jax State 10
Ole Miss 40


El Gran Mono
Kentucky at Louisville (+3.5)
In years past, Louisville was always the better team in this game. All of that changed when Steve Kragthorpe took that program into a death spiral.

KY's new coach Joker Phillips inherits a pretty decent offense except for an inexperienced line. Randall Cobb is one of the best players in the SEC and I'm sure Joker will try to get him involved early and often. That should be the difference between these two teams.

Kats 24
Cards 20

ML
Joker’s Kats 27
Charlie’s Cards 20

CB
Ky Sluts 23
Louisville Sluggah 32


6:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee (NL)
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, leave it to an ass like Lane Kiffin to make martyrs out of Al Davis and Tennessee. For a brief moment, my “I told you so” attitude to the Vols’ fans subsided to actual sympathy for letting themselves get played by that grifter. He and his dad, Monte, are such sell-out scumbags and yes I remember what the elder did for the Bucs, but now he is dead to me. In regards to UT, they have hired another son with an infamous father. Vince Dooley is the biggest POS the SEC ever saw. When he wasn’t busy paying off Hershel Walker he was rallying the other SEC ADs to screw over UF in the 80s. He single handedly cost the Gators 2 SEC and at least 1 National Championship. That’s a hell of a way to make a name for yourself. Now Dooley’s kid is the HC at UT and he brings his .500 record at La-Tech to the SEC. I would call it the shortest stint as a head coach in this league, but Lame pretty much made that impossible to match. In regards to the game, you’re looking at a straight up walkover. Sure the Vols lost Bryce Brown but they have plenty of thugs with guns to replace him.

T-Martin (not Tee Martin) 10
We like Hiring Son’s of Scum 45

EGM
Tenn-Martin 7
Vols 38

ML
Skyhawks 6
Jilted Vols 34


7:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee Tech at Arkansas (NL)
Back in December, on a layover, we ran into the Razorbacks at the Peabody in Memphis. Bobby Petrino was everything he has been billed out to be, a total dick. That doesn’t mean he has a shitty team though. They are tough, and have brought back Ryan Mallet, who the experts predict to have a great year. He’s the best, most experienced QB in the SEC and that means Arkansas with make a serious run at the SEC West this year. This game has nothing to do with that. Stock warm up game versus…Tennessee Tech…Seriously, what does the Tech stand for hahahahaha!

Technical Knock Out 6
Arkansizzle 50

EGM
Tenn Tech 10
Hawgs 58

ML
Formerly Dixie College 6
Formerly in Southwest Conference 49


El Gran Mono
San Jose at Alabama (-38.5)
Did you hear Mark Ingram was hurt? Ok, just making sure. I think ESPN actually published the results of his MRI. Its an easy/non-controversial story that allows their panoply of shitty talking heads to over speculate about a non-existing problem. Why non-existing? Because they are playing San Jose State at home and Trent Richardson is probably the second best back in the SEC.

SJS 3
Bama 49

ML
Not Costa Rica 0
Not going undefeated 31

CB
San Hosay 0
Bammer 40


Cuzzin Bailey
Arkansas State at Auburn (-31)
Let me be clear, I totally hate Auburn, they are the bane of my SEC life. They host us in that rat-town of theirs, they always win by 1 or 2 or 3 or some small margin; they come to UF and upset a perfectly great season. If you ever find yourself in cow country aka the Plains, don’t fall for their phony charm. They are lying through their tooth about how they just want “y’all to take it easy on us.” It drives me crazy, its like they all take a class on how to faux-humility. Anyways, my point is, I always kind of liked Tommy Tuberville. Sure he coached these punks, and sure he dissed Ole Miss for a team in his own division, but at least he was wild and crazy. Gene Chizik is neither wild, nor crazy and coaches pretty well. And to make matters worse, he’s a Gator. A personality-less, Gator, coaching the enemy; two out of three does this guy in. Arkansas-State is leading the Sun Belt Conference this week simply because of alphabetical order. They finished 4-8 last year and aren’t lined up to do much better…should be a sleeper in crap-town USA.

Ark-State 13
Aw-Barn 45

EGM
Arky State 7
Plainsmen 41

ML
Lobos Rojo 3
Plainsmen 52


El Gran Mono
Memphis at Mississippi State (-21.5)
Its pretty hard to believe that Miss State is a 21+ point favorite over any D-IA team. I guess Dan Mullen deserves some props for that alone. Speaking of Mullen, I imagine that his system should be better implemented this year resulting in a pulse rate of somewhere around 50 as opposed to near flatlining levels a year ago.

Cannon Smith (former Cane) should start for Memphis. I doubt that makes a difference.

Memphis State 10
Dawgs 28

ML
Memph St 10
Mess St 34

CB
‘Frica 14
NO MORE COWBELL 30


7:30pm

Malt Licker
Northwestern at Vanderbilt (+5.5)

It’s the battle of overmatched private douche universities who should probably join the Ivy League! Vanderdork lost a good coach to an unexpected retirement and will probably languish at the bottom of the nation’s best conference for another century. Meanwhile, Pat Fitzgerald took over for Randy Walker and is trying to lead NU to their third consecutive bowl. The ‘Dores lost 26 lettermen and will have trouble covering against the Cats, even at home.

Evanston U 24
Nashville U 14

CB
North Smarts 23
South Smarts 19

EGM
NW 28
Vandy 17


8:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
LSU v. North Carolina (at Atlanta) (LSU -3)
Game of the Week! Well, actually we didn’t discuss that, but this is definitely supposed to be the best game involving the SEC. Think of it in Spaghetti Western terms: if this were The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, this would be Clint Eastwood. UNC has the misfortune of currently being investigated by the NCAA for recruiting violations and academic fraud. And because some of the guys on the current roster have yet to be cleared by the Gestapo, if they play in any games and are then found to be ineligible, they games they participated in will be forfeited. Butch “the Cheat” Davis doesn’t have the stones to play guys like that. Meanwhile LSU is probably wondering how much longer they are gonna let Les Miles do nothing with such talent. The Tigers have been starting off slow these past few years, and the Tar Heels are supposed to have a great Defense (maybe the best in the country) and that will certainly cause problems for LSU and QB Jordan Jefferson (standard LSU player, loads of talent but not proven). I guess its just a good thing that white redneck ain’t behind center anymore…But regardless of how much I dislike these tigers, I’m still rooting for the SEC here. Hopefully they have a guy with a Cajun name to make fun of this season. This just in…UNC’s Marvin Austin has been suspended and the Heels may be playing IronMan this weekend HAHA!…Just made my decision a little be easier.

Tigahs 24
TahHeels 17

EGM
Cajuns 28
Tarheels 13

ML
Tiguhz 23
Heeyulz 21