Cuzzin Bailey
To start off I want to say, Happy Birthday to my Sister!! As long as everyone in St Pete keeps referring to you as “(Cuzzin Bailey’s) younger sister,” I’ll go along with it! Also, I had an amazing time with my fiancé last weekend in Oxford, MS. From the company to the food to the entertainment, everything was perfect. Its always fun to go to another SEC game when the Gator aren’t playing. Sure I was going for the home team, but it wasn’t stressful at all, and let’s be honest, being able to have your own bottle of Beam and not have to worry about getting pinched is a big deal. So back to the present; after a thorough drubbing of the Commodores last weekend, the winner of the USC/UF game is poised to be the first 3 (SEC game) loss participant since the 2002 Arkansas team that lost to UGA (who was kept out of a National Championship appearance thanks to the Zook led Gators!!!) Anyways, I just found out yesterday morning that I have a ticket for the game so I will be participating in the “Blue-Out!” Hell, I know its cheesy, but I like Meyer’s moxie. He doesn’t care that this will be described by some haters as “Fake Juice,” he is using it as a rallying cry and I hope everyone in the Swamp rings the bell. Anyways, I was just thinking about this looking at my slate today: a little heads up to the two ways I can write about a game. If its full of fun and jokes and sarcasm, I’m having fun and put a lot of time into it; if all you see are stats, no exclamation points, and straight down-to-business picking, not only do I not care about the game, but I know very little about one or both of the opponents and consider the task to be wasting my time!!! Enjoy, but honestly, how can you NOT after all that…if you want to be part of the CuzzinBailey Army follow my lead/link: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey
El Gran Mono
After a fairly calm weekend, we now move to Division Championship Week. I have yet to see any simpleton names put forward by ESPN’s gang of ad men. I guess they are too busy focusing on Boise State and unsubstantiated rumors concerning Cam Newton. The lawyer in me says this guy is receiving some unjust criticism considering the basis of everything is “unnamed sources”. However, things are starting to pile up and my asshole detector is registering some high readings. I can’t wait to watch the Gator game solo at a bar in Manhattan, if you are in NYC, send me a tweet @elgranmono1865. I might just buy you a Clausthaler...or a Brooklyn Lager if you are lucky.
Malt Licker
What a weird season…after a dreadful October our beloved Gators find themselves facing Spurdog, the architect of our emergence as a dominant program, for a chance to win another Eastern division crown and the right to get spanked by the western champ in Atlanta. Has there ever been this much of a disparity between East and West? Whoever wins in the Swamp tomorrow would probably be fighting with Ole Miss to stay out of the cellar in the West. Since starting out 18-16, I’ve correctly picked 85% of my games (trust me) so you should liquidate all assets and make wagers based on the following prognostications. Also, I’ll be rendezvousing with Cuzzin’ Bailey at the Salty Dog Saloon, where I am always receptive to my fans buying me drinks. It’s the least you can do.
12:00pm
CB
Ole Miss at Tennessee (-2)
So after watching the Rebel Bears struggle a bit with Louisiana-Lafayette last weekend, I am weary of picking them. But then again, Tennessee basically has to win out at this late in the season to become bowl eligible. Just a few thoughts that entered my skull last weekend in Oxford: The Grove is (aside from Florida/Jax) the best tailgating I have seen in the conference. I can’t fairly compare it to UF since I am so biased but, here’s the rundown, Grove: tons of tents, mostly catered, lots of flat-screens, beautiful southern people, just a happy fun time; Knoxville, a dump, mean angry people, blindingly gut-wrenching Orange that looks like an unripe naranja. (Sorry, just didn’t feel like typing orange twice in one sentence). ANYWAYS, in regards to the game, you got a not great Ole Miss defense against a rookie QB that tore up Memphis state last weekend; and in the other corner we have the Rebel Bears who have the ability to score and that will be important since UT almost lost to UAB earlier in the season. I like a marginally high-scoring affair (say in the 30s), and we may get blessed with some more Overtime…
Reb-Bears 32
Vuls 31
EGM
Black Bears 28
Vols 24
ML
Smokey the Bear 24
Smokey Mountain U 20
12:21pm
EGM
Vanderbilt at Kentucky (-14)
This game is typically the punchline of a joke and this year is no exception. Vanderbilt has one of the worst offenses in the country. Cuz has a rocket arm compared to their QB and I’m pretty sure the Licker has better moves than their tailback. Also, their coach is fat. As for Kentucky, its pretty clear that Bluegrass country has already moved in to basketball season. The boosters are filling the hoops players with cash and the football team has nothing but jealousy in their eyes. In spite of this, the game sets up pretty well for the Wildcats because their offense isn’t half bad and Vandy’s defense is bad on the road. Fourteen points seems like a lot, but I like the Cats big.
Fat Coach 10
Randall Cobb 28
ML
VanderSuck 12
Kats 31
CB
Nerds 13
Kats 34
3:30pm
EGM
Georgia at Auburn (-8.5)
East Georgia v. West Georgia. The haves v. the have nots. The balding, has been coach v. the thick haired, rockstar coach.
Auburn clearly looks like a team of destiny at this point and I’m sure some people are wondering why that line is so low given UGA’s record. Well, I was actually thinking it was too HIGH. The Dawgs have been the victim of a brutal schedule and some close losses. They can move the ball on offense and Auburn’s defense is fairly porous. However, after being shredded by Johnny Brantley and Co., UGA doesn’t stand a chance of stopping Cthulhu Cam Newton. This game might resemble that Arkansas-Auburn game of several weeks ago. The result should also be the same.
Dawgs 31
Tigers 35
ML
UGA 20
Cam U 27
CB
Dawgs 23
PlainsEagles 30
7:00pm
CB
UTEP at Arkansas (-28)
Sports, football, blah blah. This is a prime example of a game I could care less about. Alls I know here is that Arkansas beat up on the first place team in the SEC EAST last weekend; and UTEP just ended a 3 game losing streak. God I can’t even concentrate on this. Look, the 3 teams UTEP most recently lost to have a combined record of 9 and 19. The Miners are gonna get left in the mine with no oxygen…ugh, that didn’t feel right when I typed it. I’m sorry
Miners 3
Hawgs 40
EGM
Miners 10
Arky 41
ML
Miners 3
Hawgs 33
ML
Louisiana-Monroe at LSU (-32.5)
He mismanages clocks, he wins games. He eats grass. He wins games. He can’t clap. He wins games. Say what you want about the Mad Hatter, but the man wins games. You may call it lucky or wonder who holds the deed to his soul, but make no mistake; Les Miles is entertaining and good for the SEC. If you are flipping through the dial and you see that LSU is on, you will stop and see if it’s a close game to watch chaos ensue. With all that said, the reverse call on 4th and 1 against Bama is one of the best I’ve ever seen. LSU will win comfortably, but not cover, which you can do when favored by 30+.
Lou-Mo 6
L-S-U 35
CB
Lou-Mon 10
LSU 40
EGM
LaMo 6
Tigers 35
7:15pm
ML
Mississippi State at Alabama (-13.5)
This just in…anonymous sources out of Starkville say they have confirmation that Nick Saban spends his free time sodomizing wild turkeys while drinking the blood of saber-toothed tigers. If it comes out of Starkville, and is anonymous, you know it must be true. Speaking of Starkville anonymity, how about their entire team? Can you name one guy on their squad off the top of your head? Me either. This game has all the makings of an angry beat down. After two losses, the Tide is no longer Target #1 and would love to take out some frustration on their little brothers from Starkville. The Western Dawgs are riding high behind a six game winning streak and are feeling disrespected by the large point spread. Can they find running room against a chastened ‘Bama D? It needs to happen for this game to remain close.
Running on Empty 9
Tide 28
CB
Miss State 13
Bama 28
EGM
Miss State 10
Bama 24
CB
South Carolina at Florida (-6.5)
This IS the SEC EAST CHAMPIONSHIP GAME ladies and gentlemen! I am making such a big deal about this for a number of reasons: 1) The odds are we’ll probably be underdogs in Atlanta; 2) No one expected this after we lost 3 games in October; and 3) Probably most important of all, I’m GONNA BE THERE!!! That’s right, 2/3 of the BourbonBoys will be in attendance for the Meyer requested Blue-Out. EGM would mock that. I support rally cries, I like unity for the greater good!!! Gators halted a 3 game skid by beating the hated Dawgs in overtime and then humiliating the Commodores in front of their parents. This year Spurrier returns to the Swamp, this time with the ability to not only ruin Florida’s season, but make this one historic for the Cocks. Man he was such a great Coach for UF. I am so happy for the great success he brought our program, but let’s be honest, HE IS COACHING OUR OPPONENT NOW! Why would anyone be “happy for Steve” if he leads the Gamecocks to the SEC title game? Why does that make sense? It ain’t like we fired him or anything. Anyways, I doubt that’s gonna be an issue to anyone other than the select alumni that are still missing SOS. The seniors on our team were freshmen in high school in 2002, Ron Zook’s first year. Anyway, UF offense is starting to click, and a good offense is probably gonna be enough to at least out-gun the Cocks. I’m going with the Home Crowd…shockingly enough.
Cocks 23
GATORS 32
EGM
Cocks 21
Gators 24
ML
Cocks 20
Gators 24
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