Thursday, September 30, 2010

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK V

Cuzzin Bailey
Okay, this is Bama/UF week and I am sitting here reading a book written by Alan Dershowitz for school. I hate this class. I should be thinking only of the game this week, not some liberal blowhard who is claiming to offer advice, and tomorrow I get to report back to my professor who is trying to be Dershowitz’s equal in blowhardery. ANYWAYS…This is game is, so far, the game of the year. While it won’t “break” the loser’s season, it sure will give some crazy confidence and conference control to the team that wins! I am gonna be there visiting my bourbon girl and Malt Licker is scheduled to make an appearance as well! Gonna be a great one, primetime in Tuscaloosa, Florida vs. Alabama! Man I am so jacked, and for one brief moment my mind was taken off that scumbag teacher! Go Gators! Oh and as always, follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey It may not always make sense but I got a shout out for Dickie V last night and it pretty much made this whole thing worth it!

El Gran Mono
Its been a crazy week, and thank goodness because business has kept my mind off Saturday night. I was hoping to spend this weekend celebrating CB’s birthday amongst the company of good friends and strong beverages. Twas not to be, I guess I’ll have to enjoy Game of the Year Part I in HD…and I’m not talking about Oregon-Stanford.

Last week, saw the advent of Trey Touchdown Burton and the decline of Ryan Mallett. I know a lot of people think Mallett is still great but after watching him melt under pressure I don’t think he’s 1st Round. Who will be the hero’s of this week’s game? My guess…Knob Creek.

Malt Licker
BIG GAME WEEKEND!!!! As I’m sure CB has already told you, 2/3 of the Bourbon Boys will be rendezvous-ing in Tuscaloosa for CB’s 50th birthday. It’s hard to imagine he’s lived this long. With his steady diet of scotch, smack and cigarettes, he truly gives Keith Richards a run for his money. BIG GAME WEEKEND!!!! The college football world will (once again) fix its eyes on the SEC, for Urban/Saban Part III. The last time I visited Tuscaloosa, the Bourbon Boys +1 packed into a car and drove 8 hours to conduct an experiment with Popov and Gatorade. The P&G beat EGM, but I think CB and ML held it to a draw. By the way…..BIG GAME WEEKEND!!!!

12:00pm

ML
Vanderbilt at Connecticut (-6.5)

If Bama/UF is Mount Everest, this matchup is the Mariana Trench. Do they even know what a football looks like in Connecticut? If this were a matchup in women’s “basketball” it might be interesting…wait, what am I saying? Unless you love mountain bikes, the Indigo Girls, and Subaru Forester’s you will not be into that either. I’d also be shocked if anyone from Connecticut has ever read this blog.

Lady Dores 31
Lady Huskies 30

CB
Vandie 17
UCONN, football? 24

EGM
Commodes 13
Huskies 21


ML
Louisiana-Monroe at Auburn (-34)

Jeez…can we sink any further? I think this is the second La-Mo game I’ve had the displeasure of covering. Auburn used their mojo again last week, with another thrilling victory at night in Jordan-Hare. There will be very little drama this week. I get the feeling La-Mo’s defense will make it look like even Cam Newton can throw.

La-Mon Williams 3
Plainsmen 40

CB
Lou-Mon 7
Au-BARN 50

EGM
Plainsmen 51
LaMo 20


CB
Alcorn at Mississippi St (NL)

MSU took care of the Fancy pants dawgs from the East last weekend sending UGA into a downward spiral! I’m not celebrating a rival losing 3 straight SEC games, but its kind of funny when said rival talks more smack than any other team about how great they’re gonna be but they usually ain’t. Its pretty clear that Danny Boy Mullen is gonna unload on Steve McNair’s alma mater this weekend. Wow, how many of you had Cuzzin Bailey making a McNair reference and not mention his illicit affair and untimely demise? Oh wait, I guess that was it! Sucks he’s dead, but it’s a great lesson, DON’T FOOL AROUND!!

Turrible 10
Cowbell WOOOOOOO!! 45

ML
McNair U 10
Mullen U 40

EGM
Alcorn St 0
Miss State 500

12:21pm

EGM
Kentucky at Ole Miss (-2)

Ole Miss should not be favored over ANYONE in the SEC. They are just plain bad. KY might not be as good as they talked before the UF game but they are significantly better than the Akbars. Houston Nutt’s magic appears to have ended the second Dexter McCluster got drafted. The Akbars don’t really do anything well and that includes defense. I expect Randall Cobb to get loose on a number of occasions and Hartline should dissect the Akbar secondary. There will be a lot of faux worn-in hats low across the brow this Saturday.

Kitties 28
Shitties 17

ML
‘Kats 33
Rebs 28

CB
Cats 24
Rebels 21

3:30pm

EGM
Tennessee at LSU (-14.5)

I remember when this game actually meant something. These days its just a practice game before LSU gets into the 0-4 portion of their schedule. The Vols are so bad its not worth discussing but I really wonder about the 14+ points they are giving. Perhaps, the bookies are assuming multiple Peterson TDs because JJeff is regressing each week towards absolute zero. LSU’s defense is the real deal but I have real questions about whether there will be 14 points total in this game. I’ll go with Cuzz’s theory about Simms and his love of picks.

Vols 0
Tigers 17

ML
Smokey 10
Mike 19

CB
Matt Simms sucks 17
Patterson loves him 30

EGM
Texas vs. Oklahoma (at Dallas) (-4)

Much like UT-LSU, I remember when this game actually meant something. I guess it still means a little to Joklahoma but with the way their defense is playing I’m assuming they’ve got a loss or two on their schedule. Perhaps, one of those losses will be to the Longhorns who are coming off a devastating loss to D-IAA look alike UCLA. However, Tejas can’t run the ball at all and that makes them vulnerable every week. Stoops isn’t a terrible coach and should be able to shut down the predictable Horns. Oklahoma is much more balanced on offense and that should be the difference.

Horns 17
Sooners 28

ML
Bruin Roadkill 13
Sooners 24

CB
Tom Landry Middle School 23
Oklahomo 28

7:00pm

CB
Georgia at Colorado (+4)

It’s desperation time in Athens. Not that this game is in Athens, but you can sense the desperation all the way in Jax. Some UGA fans have confessed to me that they may not even watch this game. If we made these picks at the beginning of the year, I would have given CU 15 points at home because: They Suck, and UGA is in the SEC. Now is one of those appropriate times for the cliché, “that’s why the play the games.” Jawga wasn’t supposed to be 0-3 in the SEC and should have been a huge favorite here. The only saving grace for the Dawgs is that AJ “the Jersey” Green is back. And against my better judgment, I think that will make the difference…I can’t believe I’m doing this.

UhGod 24
Generally suck esp at home 19

EGM
Dawgs 31
Buffs 24

ML
UGAy 27
Buffs 20


8:00pm

CB
Florida at Alabama (-9)

Aw man, I just found out this Saturday I’m gonna miss the Little House on the Prairie marathon on Hallmark Channel!! Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to party with my girl, my family and some great friends before the Gators take on the Tiiide! I can always DVR Little House, HAHA! Last year, the Gators got smacked down in the SEC Championship game by Bama. Call it great play calling, or bad tackling but either way, it was an ass whopping. The Tide were exacting some serious revenge on the Gators from the 08 SEC Champ Game and hopefully this year Urban and crew have spent the offseason devising a plan for a little payback of their own. I’m thinking these early season wrinkles have been ironed out and now its time to open up that vaunted yet always changing Spread-option playbook! I’m not going to mince words, Bama is the team to beat this year, for the past 4 years we have felt that way and now its another team with the target on its back. I don’t think we are going to be “surprised” by Alabama, and why should we; everything they do seems to work out, so why change it. Their team strength, speed, and talent are the reason they are the hunted ones this year, and its gonna be up to the Gators and quite a few youngsters to shock the world in T-Town Saturday night. Speaking of youngsters, we have a new starting QB, and multi-faceted QB/RB/WR/TE/FB who scores 6 touchdowns in the blink of an eye. Our Line and Linebackers have shown some positives and our Secondary is as steady as I expected. The only problem is, our secondary may not be tested as much as I would like. Urban said we will be going with a “heavy package” (that’s what she said). This means we’re going to have FIVE down linemen. I guess we did it in Knoxville but, as you all know, I was at a wedding.

FLORIDA (total homer call) 24
BAMA 23

EGM
Gators 21
Bamer 24

ML
Tide 24
Gators 10


ML
Stanford at Oregon (-7)

Man…it’s big game weekend on the west coast this week too. This is a super sexy matchup. The high flying Ducks light up the scoreboard like a pinball machine, while the super efficient Cardinal methodically dismantle their opponents behind Andrew Luck’s arm and Jim Harbaugh’s tutelage. If I had no other allegiance and lived anywhere west of the Rockies, Autzen Stadium would be a prime destination. For some reason I see Jim Harbaugh and his amazing jaw-line willing his team to a big upset over the Quack Attack

SU 37
OU 30

CB
Stansbury 24
DUX 28

EGM
Indians 31
Duckies 39

Friday, September 24, 2010

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK IV

Malt Licker
I’m sitting on my couch sipping on some Old Rasputin watching Jacory “never won a big game Harris” take on the Wannstache in Pittsburgh. That is definitely a weird sentence, but no weirder than this season. For some reason, everyone hates a team from a state 2500 miles away with a great quarterback that plays an attractive brand of football. Is the WAC really that much worse than the Big East or the ACC? I don’t understand the disdain, especially since the Gators have been so decidedly underwhelming, that there is no question we’ll lose two games and be out of any national title discussions. Anyway, Georgia has two losses in conference play and the Gators offensive play-calling has the imagination of post-stroke Terry Schiavo. Can the Ol’ Ballcoach come back with a big win and get the inside track on the East? Can ‘Bama show they were able to “reload” on defense and survive its first big test of the season? Can Kentucky win at the Swamp for the first time in decades? Watch the games Saturday or follow JoeQuizza on twitter to find out.

Cuzzin Bailey
I’ll tell you, there is nothing as stress-free as watching a game that’s outcome you already know about on DVR. Sure I was checking the score in church at a wedding on Saturday, but that just isn’t the same as seeing the plays in HD. And since I was fast-forwarding I just didn’t get a sense of the Gators struggles! I mean my UT and UGA and FSU and MSU friends don’t have a problem telling me how shitty we are right now, but they aren’t 3-0 either. Florida is hosting Kensucky this week and while I’ll tell ya more on that later, let me tell you something (spoiler alert), I’m nervous. All this “Urban’s going for 100 wins” talk and “UK hasn’t beaten us in 24 years” business is kinda giving me this voodoo-y type feel. Now that doesn’t mean I think we’re gonna lose or anything, but it doesn’t hurt to do a little sub-conscious chanting myself. “Remember ’93…Remember ’93.” Picture it. Gators on the road in Sexington; down by 3 with 8 seconds to go…game winning touchdown to Chris Doering! Many Gators have Mick Hubert’s radio call memorized; “Doering’s Got a Touchdown, Doering’s Got a Touchdown!! OH MY!!” Man, it gives me chills just thinking about it. Anyways, gotta get to class now, gonna learn why North Korea is violating human rights and listen to moronic students compare W to Hitler…should be fuuuun GO GATORS!

El Gran Mono
Its Thursday night and the Rays are kicking the Yanks’ ass and Meeami is kicking Pitt’s ass. I have a little more faith that the Yankees will finish the season strong. I know Yanks fans hate Girardi but imagine if Wannstache was making the calls. Not a good situation.

As for football, there are two very interesting games on the schedule and Boise State plays in their season finale. Oh yeah, Bama-Arky and Auburn-USC are the interesting games…


12:21pm

CB
UAB at Tennessee (-14)

So I met a Tennessee fan the other day, real redneck, and he gave me this craptacular stat: apparently the Gators have won 6 out of the last 7 in the UF/UT series and are still only a few games up. I told him, “sweet dude, who cares about stupid history like that? We won this year, and I’m pretty sure that’s what matters” I think he was ready to fight me. It would be nice if the Vols had that kind of enthusiasm. I am gonna presume the Blazers aren’t that special since I haven’t heard jack crap about em this year. I like UT to run the junk out of the ball just cause their QB is a stock Simms offspring and apparently throwing the ball right into the line of scrimmage is a recessive gene that has phenotyped its way into both chirren. Don’t know anything about UAB, sorry if that’s what you came here for!

Blazers 10
Hicks 30

EGM
Dragons 13
Vols 26

ML
Blazers 13
Volz 34


3:30pm

ML
Alabama at Arkansas (+7.5)

As sad as it sounds, this may be ‘Bama’s toughest game of the season. Ryan Mallett and Co. are coming off an emotional win in Athens, and even the soulless eyes of Bobby Petrino look like they have a spark. To have any chance, the ‘Backs need to jump out to an early lead, contain the reigning Heisman winner and his younger, better, backfield mate, and come up with a big play on special teams. Surprisingly, the Hawgs were able to corral Ingram and Richardson last year, holding the Tide to 134 yards rushing. If the Hawgs can repeat this effort, things may get very interesting…

Crimson Tide 24
Hog Tied 21

CB
Bama 34
Backs 17

EGM
Bamer 31
Arky 28


7:00pm

CB
Kentucky at Florida (-13.5)

Wow, I guess I did my stock, “use the best material in the intro”-gimmick once again. Florida is looking to extend their lead over Kensucky to 24 straight, but this year the Gators have to watch out for Randall Cobb. Dude is electric. Throws, catches, runs, blocks, holds. He does EVERYTHING for the ‘Cats, except snap…which would be sick to see; (Snapping the ball to himself and then running a play). He reminds me of another Randall Cobb. Actor Randall “Tex” Cobb is the picture of versatility. In Ace Ventura, he played the drunk redneck who kidnapped his wife’s (she was way too hot for him) dog; in Fletch Lives, he played the drunk redneck who stole Fletch’s watch and tried to kill him; and in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, he played a drunk redneck con…I mean this guy does it all! Its gonna be a challenge stopping Kentucky’s Cobb this weekend, and that would normally be enough to dump the spread and call for a win, but I think our defense is up to the challenge of containing him. Barring any blown coverage touchdowns this year, I just don’t see the ‘Cats driving down the field. Fluke’s, mistakes here and there, I think Florida get’s its act together Saturday and actually scores in the First Quarter!!

Kensucky 12
FLORIDA 40

EGM
Kats 20
Gators 24

ML
Gators 28
Kats 13


CB
Georgia at Mississippi State (-1.5)

The Fancy Dawgs vs. the Dirty Dawgs!! Man I’m glad this game is happening; I just wish it were MSU at UGA. That would be the ultimate “country come to town/fish out of water” tale. One team is gonna be wearing overalls and the other one is gonna have on black or red slacks/dresses!! Oh man, these fancy Athens boys are gonna be in for a serious surprise in Stark-vegas! There ain’t no clubs son. Just be prepared to hear that shit. Both teams are 0-2 in the SEC and while that may not be big news for MSU fans, a loss here could spell catastrophe for UGA. Mark Richt, Mr. Fake Juice/Enthusiasm, better work his “uniform change/unsportsmanlike conduct” magic this weekend because this is the same offense that UF has dominated the Eastern Dogs with for years. I think this game is gonna be VERY close. But a tipped pass here or there and it’s a blowout. Gonna be a rough year for UGA…And an overzealous El Gran Mono felt compelled to discuss this game too, freaking diligent worker, I’m tellin you!

Fancy Pants 23
West Dawgs 26

EGM
Wow, UGA is an underdog against lowly Miss State. That’s pretty hard to believe given the fact that LSU blew out Miss State last week and UGA has lost two close games. Miss State is terrible offensively and defensively. UGA is inexperienced on both sides of the ball but they have talent. Starkville is not a fun place to play but UGA doesn’t have demons of Sleepy Robinson dancing in their heads. Take the points and have a party after the 1st quarter because this won’t be close

Dawgs of the East 31
Dawgs of the West 13

ML
Red Dawgs 23
Dirty Dawgs 17


7:30pm

ML
Fresno State at Ole Miss (-2.5)

I think the Rebels are taking EGM’s Donna Martin characterization to heart. After an early upset to Jax State, they took it on the chin at home against the hapless Commodores, or was it Ray Pruitt? The Masoli experiment has not exactly worked out. Since he seems to do a better job passing to the other team, Mr. Nutt needs to try to find another Dexter McCluster to catch passes out of the backfield. You don’t want Masoli throwing downfield. Meanwhile, Fresno State has dispatched of Cincinnati behind the solid work of their veteran QB, Ryan Colburn. Look for Nutt to keep the ball on the ground and wear down Fresno State’s smaller defensive front. I see this game staying tight, with Ole Miss scoring a late insurance TD to cover.

Dilfer U 24
Where’s Dexter? 34

CB
Another Bulldog? 20
Get Yo Act Together 23

EGM
Dogs (again) 28
Wannabe Admiral Akbars 27


7:45pm

ML
South Carolina at Auburn (-2.5)

It is looking more and more like the Gamecocks are replacing UGA and UT as the team in the East the Gators need to see lose to widen the path to Atlanta. Can Spurrier’s squad handle this new position? They struggled to beat the Purple Palladins and will have their hands full against the Plainsmen at hostile Jordan-Hare. Auburn has been the lucky version of Notre Dame this year, playing their last two games down to the wire, and coming out on top both times. This really is a huge game. If either team wants aspirations for Atlanta, they must take home a W. Both teams are relying on freshman tailbacks to take the pressure off their mercurial quarterbacks. I think this is a coin flip, but weird things happen at Jordan-Hare. Auburn nighttime ju-ju and another late kick by Wes Byrum will put the Tigers on top.

Cocksmen 20
Plainsmen 23

CB
Gamecocks 21
Tigers 20

EGM
Cocks 17
Plainsmen 16


8:00pm

EGM
Oregon State at Boise State (-16.5)

Its official, I’m a Boise State hater. Probably because of all the stupid ESPN “they are really GREAT” hype. I guess its more of a question of why I watch ESPN at all because I used to root for the Boises of the world. But suddenly the MSM started calling a top five team an underdog and treating them as such. Ridiculous. I’m a fan of a playoff so every year that a good team gets dissed I celebrate the worldwide five minutes of hate for the BCS. So hopefully, Boise keeps getting shipped to the Fiesta Bowl.

As for the game, I saw the Beavs in the opener against TCU and they looked pretty average. Boise is not average and will steamroll the Beavs into their blue turf. Hopefully, that means we don’t have to here “upstart”, “underdog”, “fledgling” Boise talk for three months after this.

No hype 17
HYPE – BUDWEISER HOT SEAT STYLE! 38

ML
The Jerry Mathers 7
Public Enemy #1 34

CB
Beavers 13
Blue Field 30


9:00pm

EGM
West Virginia at LSU (-6.5)

I watched Wva play once this year and they had to score three touches in the 4q to tie the game. Lsu lines to blow leads of that size but their run defense is just too good for wva to make any magic happen. Lsu will have trouble scoring but they'll get just enough


Mountaineers 10
Tigers 21

ML
‘Neers 13
Tigers 26

CB
WVU 10
LSU 24

EGM
Vanderbilt – OFF

What site do dorks frequent? Whatever it is, they better up their server capacity this weekend.

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK IV

Malt Licker
I’m sitting on my couch sipping on some Old Rasputin watching Jacory “never won a big game Harris” take on the Wannstache in Pittsburgh. That is definitely a weird sentence, but no weirder than this season. For some reason, everyone hates a team from a state 2500 miles away with a great quarterback that plays an attractive brand of football. Is the WAC really that much worse than the Big East or the ACC? I don’t understand the disdain, especially since the Gators have been so decidedly underwhelming, that there is no question we’ll lose two games and be out of any national title discussions. Anyway, Georgia has two losses in conference play and the Gators offensive play-calling has the imagination of post-stroke Terry Schiavo. Can the Ol’ Ballcoach come back with a big win and get the inside track on the East? Can ‘Bama show they were able to “reload” on defense and survive its first big test of the season? Can Kentucky win at the Swamp for the first time in decades? Watch the games Saturday or follow JoeQuizza on twitter to find out.

Cuzzin Bailey
I’ll tell you, there is nothing as stress-free as watching a game that’s outcome you already know about on DVR. Sure I was checking the score in church at a wedding on Saturday, but that just isn’t the same as seeing the plays in HD. And since I was fast-forwarding I just didn’t get a sense of the Gators struggles! I mean my UT and UGA and FSU and MSU friends don’t have a problem telling me how shitty we are right now, but they aren’t 3-0 either. Florida is hosting Kensucky this week and while I’ll tell ya more on that later, let me tell you something (spoiler alert), I’m nervous. All this “Urban’s going for 100 wins” talk and “UK hasn’t beaten us in 24 years” business is getting kinda giving me this voodoo-y type feel. Now that doesn’t mean I think we’re gonna lose or anything, but it doesn’t hurt to do a little sub-conscious chanting myself. “Remember ’93…Remember ’93.” Picture it. Gators on the road in Sexington; down by 3 with 8 seconds to go…game winning touchdown to Chris Doering! Many Gators have Mick Hubert’s radio call memorized; “Doering’s Got a Touchdown, Doering’s Got a Touchdown!! OH MY!!” Man, it gives me chills just thinking about it. Anyways, gotta get to class now, gonna learn why North Korea is violating human rights and listen to moronic students compare W to Hitler…should be fuuuun GO GATORS!

El Gran Mono
Its Thursday night and the Rays are kicking the Yanks’ ass and Meeami is kicking Pitt’s ass. I have a little more faith that the Yankees will finish the season strong. I know Yanks fans hate Girardi but imagine if Wannstache was making the calls. Not a good situation.

As for football, there are two very interesting games on the schedule and Boise State plays in their season finale. Oh yeah, Bama-Arky and Auburn-USC are the interesting games…


12:21pm

CB
UAB at Tennessee (-14)

So I met a Tennessee fan the other day, real redneck, and he gave me this craptacular stat: apparently the Gators have won 6 out of the last 7 in the UF/UT series and are still only a few games up. I told him, “sweet dude, who cares about stupid history like that? We won this year, and I’m pretty sure that’s what matters” I think he was ready to fight me. It would be nice if the Vols had that kind of enthusiasm. I am gonna presume the Blazers aren’t that special since I haven’t heard jack crap about em this year. I like UT to run the junk out of the ball just cause their QB is a stock Simms offspring and apparently throwing the ball right into the line of scrimmage is a recessive gene that has phenotyped its way into both chirren. Don’t know anything about UAB, sorry if that’s what you came here for!

Blazers 10
Hicks 30

EGM
Dragons 13
Vols 26

ML
Blazers 13
Volz 34


3:30pm

ML
Alabama at Arkansas (+7.5)

As sad as it sounds, this may be ‘Bama’s toughest game of the season. Ryan Mallett and Co. are coming off an emotional win in Athens, and even the soulless eyes of Bobby Petrino look like they have a spark. To have any chance, the ‘Backs need to jump out to an early lead, contain the reigning Heisman winner and his younger, better, backfield mate, and come up with a big play on special teams. Surprisingly, the Hawgs were able to corral Ingram and Richardson last year, holding the Tide to 134 yards rushing. If the Hawgs can repeat this effort, things may get very interesting…

Crimson Tide 24
Hog Tied 21

CB
Bama 34
Backs 17

EGM
Bamer 31
Arky 28


7:00pm

CB
Kentucky at Florida (-13.5)

Wow, I guess I did my stock, “use the best material in the intro”-gimmick once again. Florida is looking to extend their lead over Kensucky to 24 straight, but this year the Gators have to watch out for Randall Cobb. Dude is electric. Throws, catches, runs, blocks, holds. He does EVERYTHING for the ‘Cats, except snap…which would be sick to see; (Snapping the ball to himself and then running a play). He reminds me of another Randall Cobb. Actor Randall “Tex” Cobb is the picture of versatility. In Ace Ventura, he played the drunk redneck who kidnapped his wife’s (she was way too hot for him) dog; in Fletch Lives, he played the drunk redneck who stole Fletch’s watch and tried to kill him; and in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, he played a drunk redneck con…I mean this guy does it all! Its gonna be a challenge stopping Kentucky’s Cobb this weekend, and that would normally be enough to dump the spread and call for a win, but I think our defense is up to the challenge of containing him. Barring any blown coverage touchdowns this year, I just don’t see the ‘Cats driving down the field. Fluke’s, mistakes here and there, I think Florida get’s its act together Saturday and actually scores in the First Quarter!!

Kensucky 12
FLORIDA 40

EGM
Kats 20
Gators 24

ML
Gators 28
Kats 13


CB
Georgia at Mississippi State (-1.5)

The Fancy Dawgs vs. the Dirty Dawgs!! Man I’m glad this game is happening; I just wish it were MSU at UGA. That would be the ultimate “country come to town/fish out of water” tale. One team is gonna be wearing overalls and the other one is gonna have one the black or red slacks/dresses!! Oh man, these fancy Athens boys are gonna be in for a serious surprise in Stark-vegas! There ain’t no clubs son. Just be prepared to hear that shit. Both teams are 0-2 in the SEC and while that may not be big news for MSU fans, a loss here could spell catastrophe for UGA. Mark Richt, Mr. Fake Juice/Enthusiasm, better work his “uniform change/unsportsmanlike conduct” magic this weekend because this is the same offense that UF has dominated the Eastern Dogs with for years. I think this game is gonna be VERY close. But a tipped pass here or there and it’s a blowout. Gonna be a rough year for UGA…And an overzealous El Gran Mono felt compelled to discuss this game too, freaking diligent worker, I’m tellin you!

Fancy Pants 23
West Dawgs 26

EGM
Wow, UGA is an underdog against lowly Miss State. That’s pretty hard to believe given the fact that LSU blew out Miss State last week and UGA has lost two close games. Miss State is terrible offensively and defensively. UGA is inexperienced on both sides of the ball but they have talent. Starkville is not a fun place to play but UGA doesn’t have demons of Sleepy Robinson dancing in their heads. Take the points and have a party after the 1st quarter because this won’t be close

Dawgs of the East 31
Dawgs of the West 13

ML
Red Dawgs 23
Dirty Dawgs 17


7:30pm

ML
Fresno State at Ole Miss (-2.5)

I think the Rebels are taking EGM’s Donna Martin characterization to heart. After an early upset to Jax State, they took it on the chin at home against the hapless Commodores, or was it Ray Pruitt? The Masoli experiment has not exactly worked out. Since he seems to do a better job passing to the other team, Mr. Nutt needs to try to find another Dexter McCluster to catch passes out of the backfield. You don’t want Masoli throwing downfield. Meanwhile, Fresno State has dispatched of Cincinnati behind the solid work of their veteran QB, Ryan Colburn. Look for Nutt to keep the ball on the ground and wear down Fresno State’s smaller defensive front. I see this game staying tight, with Ole Miss scoring a late insurance TD to cover.

Dilfer U 24
Where’s Dexter? 34

CB
Another Bulldog? 20
Get Yo Act Together 23

EGM
Dogs (again) 28
Wannabe Admiral Akbars 27


7:45pm

ML
South Carolina at Auburn (-2.5)

It is looking more and more like the Gamecocks are replacing UGA and UT as the team in the East the Gators need to see lose to widen the path to Atlanta. Can Spurrier’s squad handle this new position? They struggled to beat the Purple Palladins and will have their hands full against the Plainsmen at hostile Jordan-Hare. Auburn has been the lucky version of Notre Dame this year, playing their last two games down to the wire, and coming out on top both times. This really is a huge game. If either team wants aspirations for Atlanta, they must take home a W. Both teams are relying on freshman tailbacks to take the pressure off their mercurial quarterbacks. I think this is a coin flip, but weird things happen at Jordan-Hare. Auburn nighttime ju-ju and another late kick by Wes Byrum will put the Tigers on top.

Cocksmen 20
Plainsmen 23

CB
Gamecocks 21
Tigers 20

EGM
Cocks 17
Plainsmen 16


8:00pm

EGM
Oregon State at Boise State (-16.5)

Its official, I’m a Boise State hater. Probably because of all the stupid ESPN “they are really GREAT” hype. I guess its more of a question of why I watch ESPN at all because I used to root for the Boises of the world. But suddenly the MSM started calling a top five team an underdog and treating them as such. Ridiculous. I’m a fan of a playoff so every year that a good team gets dissed I celebrate the worldwide five minutes of hate for the BCS. So hopefully, Boise keeps getting shipped to the Fiesta Bowl.

As for the game, I saw the Beavs in the opener against TCU and they looked pretty average. Boise is not average and will steamroll the Beavs into their blue turf. Hopefully, that means we don’t have to here “upstart”, “underdog”, “fledgling” Boise talk for three months after this.

No hype 17
HYPE – BUDWEISER HOT SEAT STYLE! 38

ML
The Jerry Mathers 7
Public Enemy #1 34

CB
Beavers 13
Blue Field 30


9:00pm

EGM
West Virginia at LSU (-6.5)

I watched Wva play once this year and they had to score three touches in the 4q to tie the game. Lsu lines to blow leads of that size but their run defense is just too good for wva to make any magic happen. Lsu will have trouble scoring but they'll get just enough


Mountaineers 10
Tigers 21

ML
‘Neers 13
Tigers 26

CB
WVU 10
LSU 24

EGM
Vanderbilt – OFF

What site do dorks frequent? Whatever it is, they better up their server capacity this weekend.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK III

El Gran Mono
Well, last week was certainly what I thought it would be...at least with respect to Alabama vs. Penn State. Despite a pretty good slate on paper, Michigan-ND was the only decent game from beginning to end. Florida made things very interesting by going with their now patented "try to look crap for as long as possible but still win" offense. Until the mid-third quarter, USF was very much in the game and appeared to be the better team. I'd love to say the Gators will bounce back this week but I'm starting to feel like this team will consistently be raising my blood pressure all season long (with a possible coronary incident whilst watching Michigan trample the Gators in the Outback Bowl once again). I digress... This week doesn't have much to offer other than Arky-UGA and the formerly decent matchup of UF-UT. How many straight is it? On to the picks...

Malt Licker
Not feeling particularly joyful, for a number of reasons, but it’s the eve of Week 3 and time to trudge through another edition of the Bourbon Boys. Word on the street is that EGM has to attend a wedding in the midst of our game against the Vols. Thank god for smart phones, they can help one get through stupid planning by others. Several big games last week, but the middle of the road games were the most exciting. Maybe that means this week’s underwhelming slate will be packed with big games. RIP LH!

Cuzzin Bailey
Is it possible that Chris Rainey meant to text something else, thereby predictive texting turned helpful “Time to DIET” into angry “Time to Die”? Maybe she was a load of a lady? Let’s hope so, for his sake, of course if it was the former, he would have been in big trouble with her anyways! In other news, another great example of some pollsters being completely full of shit, the Gators have won for the second straight week, and yet we have dropped in the polls for the second straight week. I get that we played like junk in the first half, but they turned it around big time and got zero respect for that. Also, I saw that Oregon jumped over us for beating up on Tennessee. So, does that mean that if we kick the Vols ass this week we will jump back in front? Of course not! If we win huge, all that will do is solidify UT remaining on the downside of a 5 year long slump. So the paradox lies in what to do with Oregon. If we win, it will make their rank jumping victory less of a big deal; and do any of you think there’s a chance the Ducks will drop in the rankings? NOT A CHANCE. What about Boise State? Their “marquee win” just wound up meaning absolutely nothing. Va-Tech lost to James Freaking Madison (that’s his actual middle name). Everyone was saying how bad it would be for the Hokies to start 1-1; now it’s gotta be a crisis in Blacksburg. On the flip side, Bama beat Penn State pretty handily and Ohio State destroyed Miami, guess those ranking spots were accurate. Still, I remember the good ol’ days when you won and didn’t get leapfrogged by some west coast chump team. Sorry for the ranting, got a shitty call from a jerk of a telemarketer today…We’re all thinking about you H-town. If you want more: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey


12:00pm

EGM
Arkansas at Georgia (-2)

After watching the Dawgs flounder against the Cock defense, its hard to believed they are favored over Arkansas. I guess the linesmakers think Arkansas can't stop UGA because they will certainly score themselves. This game was a shootout last year and a likely outcome. I'll take Richt over Petrino any day of the week in an evenly matched game. I like UGA's chances even more given the game is b'teen the hedges. I look for UGA's frosh QB to have a similar game to Fiery Joe Cox's monster effort last year.

Arky 28
UGA 31

ML
Hogs 27
Dogs 20

CB
Offensive Hawgs 32
Angry Dawgs 28

12:21pm

EGM
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-13.5)

So Ole Miss lost to D-IAA Jax State and beat hapless Tulane. Um, okay, is that supposed to give me some kind of a lean?

Both of these schools take themselves pretty serious, but in much different ways. Ole Miss fans a dedicated to perpetuating the genre of the Southern preppie/hipster hybrid. Sure, they have scruffy hair and a preworn-in hat BUT they are wearing a TIE. GET IT! They also pretend that William Faulkner is a good writer yet have read none of his books. GET IT! As for Vandy, they are dedicated to fucking up conference chi by underfunding their football program and trying to get a pass for having "smart kids". Somehow they think this is a reasonable choice. Why not join the Ivy League if you are so smart? Let me guess, they wouldn't have you?

Faux Smart 17
Faux Everything 21

ML
Vanderdork 10
Donna Martin 31

CB
‘Dores 14
Rebs 27


3:30pm

ML
Florida at Tennessee (+15)

This line is insane, I know the Quack Attack rolled over baby Simms and the rest of Dooley’s boys in Neyland, but watching Brantley gives me a Leak-y feeling. However, watching Jeff Demps gives me another feeling; deep down, that I don’t talk about at parties, a feeling that a TD is a blink away. Even with Col. Demps on our side, I’m hard pressed to pick us to cover at Gen. Neyland’s stadium.

Gators 24
Vols 13

CB
Hungry GATORS 30
Vol-nerable? 10

EGM
Gators 27
Vols 17


EGM
Alabama at Duke (+22)

This one is pretty easy. Saban shakes Cutcliffe's hand and then kicks the shit out of his team. See LSU v. Ole Miss (c. 2002)

Bamer 34
Duke 10

ML
Bamer 35
Puke 10

CB
Road Tide 34
Home Underdogs 3


7:00pm

CB
Akron at Kentucky (-24)

The Wildcats have Zips in the wire. You know sometimes I like to do some research on sports websites when I have no idea how a team has been doing and that is totally safe to say in the case of Akron. So I checked out to see what the “bloggers” on ESPN were saying. Nothing. There isn’t even a preview of the game. All I know is that Cobb from Kentucky threw, caught and rushed for a TD last weekend against the Hilltoppers and now he’s on the Heisman watch. I’d say that’s bad news for Akron…that and the fact that this game may or may not exist…

Zips 10
‘Cats 40

EGM
Zips 17
Kats 48

ML
Zips 0
Kats 30


CB
Mississippi State at LSU (-8.5)

You know, if I had looked at this game at the beginning of the season, just instinctively I would have given a big edge to LSU and just dumped on Miss State because of their terrible reputation. But now that I have seen both teams play, my opinion has changed greatly. Dan Mullen is, of course, running the same offense he ran at UF and its eerie to see. This team may not have the UF talent, but they are quick and “spread” out the field pretty well. Now the only issue is whether or not LSU’s defense is up to the challenge. Two weeks ago, the Tigers had a hard time keeping a lead on an overmatched UNC, last week the Bayou Bengals reversed roles and I’d say that’s the better side of the coin to be on; start off slow and pick it up in the second half. Miss State is no pushover like Vanderbilt though. With a QB controversy in the works in Baton Rouge, LSU can ill afford to get too far behind early to this rejuvenated Dawgs team. I really, really don’t like LSU’s possible starting QB Jarrett Lee enough that I may call for the upset in this one, maybe if there are a few cowbells at this game…

Not a Mess St 20
We gots a Mess at QB 24

EGM
Dogs 7
Tigers 20

ML
Dirty Dogs 14
Tigers 19


ML
Furman at South Carolina (OFF)

Whoo hoo, the Purple Paladins!!! As Division I-AA schools go, they are about as good as it gets. They are consistently ranked in the top 3 and have an exceedingly unique nickname. In case you were wondering, the Paladins were the foremost warriors of Charlemagne’s court. It will definitely take some medieval tactics to corral Spur-Dogs new toy. Marcus Lattimore, according to Travis Haney of the Charleston Post & Courier, gained 121 of his 182 yards rushing after contact. Look for him to be able to gain more yards before contact this week.

PPs 6
Cocks 44

CB
Fur-Traders 3
Cocks (wow, that got dirty) 45

EGM
Purple Paladins 3
Cocks 31


ML
Clemson at Auburn (-6)

Hair bowl? We have similar campuses bowl? We call our towns villages because it helps us deal with our lack of bars better bowl? Dumbass coach bowl? I can’t believe Auburn is only a six point favorite. They’ve won 13 in a row vs. Clemzon, but this is the first meeting in nearly 40 years. Did you know that Dabo & Gene finished a close second to Bo & Luke when it came to picking a name for the Duke boys?

Dabos 13
Genes 24

CB
ACC Tigers 23
SEC Tigers 32

EGM
Tigers 17
Plainsmen 20


10:30pm

CB
Iowa at Arizona (+1)
Coupla ranked teams here. I just saw a video of a huge crowd of Iowa fans pelting an opponent’s fan with open beer cans…some full, some not. I’ve seen Hawkeye fans at their “best” and therefore I was less than shocked by this mob psychosis. Iowa’s QB is a blue-collar guy that just goes out and wins games; without him, they lose at home to Northwestern so I’d say Stanzi making smart decisions (which he’s prone to do) is crucial on the road against this quick strike offense. I can’t believe I’m praising Zona’s Offense. That used to be their liability. Remember the days of 6-3 victories or 7-0 losses? I guess they’re gone. 1 total touchdown is not going to win this game, and I think that’s going to benefit the Wildcats as they like to score, its fun.

Iowa 23
Zona 24


EGM
Hawkeyes 10
Zona 17

ML
Corn 30
Cactus 22

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK II

Cuzzin Bailey
Ugh, that was one of the worst “first” week’s I have had in a long time. I had too much faith in out of conference opponents that usually play tough, and put even more unwise faith in some SEC teams ability to dismiss the lesser ones. Hats off to El Gran Mono for his hilarious 90210/SEC comparison last week; it was a hit all throughout Cuzzin Bailey’s world. Took the cake, one would say. “Best Bboys entry ever,” others would say. Screw You, I would say. Haha, Just kidding…dick. I’m not even gonna try to beat that in this edition. Anyways, week 2 has some seriously badass matchups that we aren’t picking, and some that we are, but regardless as the competition increases, the tension/entertainment rises exponentially, and thus begins the weeding out of potential BCS suitors! Oh yea, I just got on Twitter (something I said I’d never do), so start following me and I maybe I’ll start talking shit!
http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey

El Gran Mono
If you aren’t already aware, ESPN and the BCS have cancelled the rest of Boise State’s season. The Broncos are the de facto team to beat and if you say otherwise you are a racist. So they are good, I get it, but that doesn’t mean they deserve to play in the championship…someone, just cut my internet connection. Hopefully, my picks get through the mails fast enough for the Thursday night game.

Bring on the first real week of football! And enjoy the trifecta of the BBoys via twitter all week long.

Malt Licker
The only positive thing I can take from last week’s Gators performance is that I decided against waking up at 7 am to make the trek up 75 to watch it in person. The combination of 16 bad snaps, Addazio’s banal play-calling and the oppressive Gainesville heat may have caused me to self-combust. Speaking of conflagrations in Gainesville, how bout that Dove Outreach Center? I only took one marketing class, but something tells me the burning of the holy text of another religion is not the best way to spread the good news. There is plenty of good news this weekend. The NFL kicks off and the amateurs bring us an especially attractive slate of games. Let’s hope they can live up to Monday night’s Boise State/Va Tech matchup. At the risk of appearing heretical, I did not mind seeing both Boise and Jacksonville State win. Whatever happened to the days of being allowed to enjoy a great football game without having to consider its speculated ramifications on the BCS travesty and its effect on my team?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

7:00pm

El Gran Mono
Auburn at Mississippi St (+2)

Miss State definitely handled a subpar Memphis State last week but the Plainsmen present a much tougher conquest. Cam Newton is a behemoth with run/pass ability that should easily exploit Miss State’s porous defense. The real question is whether Auburn can stop Dan Mullen’s super spread attack. The Bulldogs appear to have found a passing game this year but I might be drawing too many conclusions from the Memphis game. Last year, they were abysmal throwing the ball and relied almost entirely on the talents on Anthony Dixon. Expect to see four star recruit Tyler Russell for at least a series or two…or perhaps all of the series. I expect a high scoring affair with Cam and Gus Malzhan covering those two points.

Plainsmen 31
Bulldogs 28

ML
The Dell Swipers 28
The Bell Ringers 20

CB
Aubarn 23
Ms. State 21


Saturday, September 11, 2010

12:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
USF at Florida (-16.5)

One word: Snaps. No, I’m not channeling West Side Story, (God that was lame) I’m talking about snapping the ball. If you can’t get that right, it screws up timing; and that was the biggest demon from last week’s UF game. Who was ever worried we were gonna lose to Miami of freaking Ohio? Not this melon farmer. But now that we are playing a team that isn’t a total joke, it is time to start getting serious. Gators said they are as focused as ever and they will need to be this week. In re: the Bulls, USF fans used to be fun and loveable, but now since they’ve had some minor success in recent history, they have become total assholes. They root against UF every chance they get and even my hometown paper is forgetting where they come from. UF and FSU fans made that freaking sportspage and now they think USF is the big game when they can’t even hold onto their loyal first headcoach?? They think they are they shit, but they aren’t and to prove it to everyone, they hired Skip Holtz…A superstar at East Carolina!! Look if UF loses this game, it won’t be because we couldn’t handle BJ Daniels or the Bulls defense was insurmountable, it will be because we played like shit again…which I don’t see happening…

Bulls are Gator Bait 13
#1 Team in Florida 33

EGM
Bulls 10
Gators 27

ML
2nd class U 13
Hutt-Hutt SHIT! 27


Malt Licker
Georgia at South Carolina (-3)

First big SEC game of the year and as always, it’s the Dawgs meeting the Cocks in a tilt to determine who has the early inside track in the SEC East. I feel like I always pick SC, and I am going to do so again. Although Aaron Murray looked good against Lou-La last week, it did little to prepare him for Williams-Brice Stadium and their passionate fans. AJ Green’s NCAA-imposed absence will make it difficult for pRicht’s boys to put points on the board, and Spur-Dog may have found an offense. A sober Stephen Garcia and talented freshman Ace Sanders give the Ol’ Ball Coach plenty of cards to play. Look for a competitive game to be decided by 2 or 3 big plays.

Shorthanded Dogs 17
Big Play Cocks 23

CB
Sell Yo Jersey 20
Throw Yo Visor 19

EGM
Dawgs 20
Cocks 21


Malt Licker
Western Kentucky at Kentucky (-24)

The Joker’s Kats held off Luh-ville last week and welcome another non-conference patsy to Lexington. Another win this week will delay the annual “refocus” to hoops. The Hilltoppers went down hard to the Huskers last week, but I do not know much else about them other than their awesome mascot, Big Red. In 1990, WKU brought an unsuccessful lawsuit against an Italian television channel owned by Silvio Berlusconi, claiming that its mascot, Gabibbo, is an exact copy of Big Red. In covering the lawsuit, the New York Times business section described Gabibbo as a “better-dressed” Big Red. I think WKU should “borrow” the name Gabibbo and use it for special occasions.

Ciao Gabibbo 6
Did he say Chow or Chaw? 34

CB
Mid-Major in Life 3
Kentucky Play Defense Now 28

EGM
Hilltoppers 9
KY 38


2:00pm

Malt Licker
LSU at Vanderbilt (+10)

I’m all out of Vander-Dork and Cajun jokes, so I’m actually going to write about the game. LSU narrowly escaped last week against a depleted UNC. Watching them barely hold on, thanks to two drops in the last 10 seconds by the Zack Pianalto, the Tar Heel tight end, I realized that Les Miles is a lucky version of the Zooker. Think about it. They share the same confused expression on the sideline, the same incoherent disjointed responses to interviews, and the same ability to recruit. However, Les was kissed by an angel. He loses two games and advances to the BCS title game and the Zooker is famous for a website calling for his termination the same day he was hired. If the Zooker were coaching that game, the ball Pianalto missed would have bounced off his shoulder pads into the belly of an offensive guard, who would then pirouette around a linebacker for the clinching score.

Still Lucky 34
Still Dorky 14

CB
Tigers Can’t Close (sorta) 27
Vandy Can’t Score (enough) 13

EGM
Tigers 34
Vandy 17


7:00pm

El Gran Mono
Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas (-34)

LaMo can’t stop the run or the pass. Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius. This won’t turn out well.

Warhawks 0
Arky 63

ML
Warhawks (Formerly Indians) 3
Hawgs 45

CB
First Game, ruh roh 10
Western Step-Child No More 50


Cuzzin Bailey
Oregon at Tennessee (+12)

The Ducks wiped the floor with their preseason opponent last week, tuning up New Mexico 72-0. Derek Dooley’s scumbag Volunteers outgunned Tennessee-Martin 50-0. So this week at least one defense is gonna finally be scored upon and let’s break this down a bit. Sure Oregon is traveling across the country to play in Neyland Stadium, but they are No. 11 in the nation. This isn’t some second rate high school team from some backwoods Tennessee town like Clarksville (that’s in Montgomery County). I like the Ducks offense to not skip a beat after losing the criminal Masoli to the Rebels. Giving the Vols 12 seems like an awful lot, and that’s what makes this pretty difficult. I think if Oregon can take the crowd out of it early (and we’ve all seen that happen) send them packing back to their trailer parks to drink ‘shine and beat their wives, this could get out of hand…

DUCK Hillbilly! 28
Here comes the back of my hand! 24

EGM
Ducks 34
Vols 24

ML
Attackin’ Quackers 24
Vol Defense 19


El Gran Mono
Penn State at Alabama (-10.5)

Lots of Penn State faithful here in the DC area, therefore, I’m constantly getting an earful of their nonsense. Running the ball, blah blah, strong defense, blah blah, tradition, blah blah. Those same fans are about to meet a team who actually uses those aspects of the game to win championships. Bama lost a number of stud players from last year, but they are still sporting a stud offensive/defensive line along with Mark Ingram, Trent Richardson, and Julio Jones. Its doubtful that Ingram will play, but with Richardson taking the bulk of the carries the Tide won’t lose a step. Penn State will be starting a frosh Qb and I expect they will be completely shut down. On the other side of the coin, Penn State might stop Bama for awhile but their defense will eventually get tired. This could get really ugly in the second half…

Nittany Lions 3
Bama 34

ML
Plain White Helmets 13
Almost Plain Red Helmets 24

CB
Frosh QBs Come to Die 17
Don’t Need Ingram 28


9:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
Ole Miss at Tulane (+21)

I don’t know much about Tulane, but after last week, how is it even possible that this spread is so high? They HAVE to be better than Jax State right? Still I don’t think anyone thinks that the Rebels are as bad as it last week’s game would make them seem. That was one of those flukey scenarios where they got up big early and then just fell asleep at the wheel. Now if they were a top tier team, no way Ole Miss lets that happen, but still they aren’t total junk…right? I mean what was with the switching out the QBs like that, I mean they just won a huge legal battle getting the convict on the field, let him flash his shit! This ain’t Shaun King’s Tulane team. That being said, they barely squeaked by Southeastern Louisiana last week. Ole Miss’ loss was an aberration, that win was up to speed with the Green Wave’s capabilities. I hate the points, but the Rebel Alliance may be looking to impress some folks and torture a weaker opponent…

Revenge the Loss, Party Later 35
Hey man, we’re just HERE to Party 13

EGM
Rebs 38
Green Wave 20

ML
We Lose to Jax State 30
We Lose to Everyone 10

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK I

Malt Licker

An article from Pat Dooley in this week’s Sun reminds us that it was only 20 years ago when the University of Florida was still searching for its first official conference title. Now, 8 SEC Championships, 3 national championships, and 2 Heisman Trophy winners later, we find ourselves once again in the preseason top 5. Hard to believe. I’ll take another twenty years like the previous twenty, but I know Urb’s hell bent on topping it. Will that desire lead us to unprecedented heights, or Meyer’s early retirement? Perhaps both. Barring injury, this week will have no bearing on the rest of the season. The entire slate throughout the conference is a steaming pile of crap.

Cuzzin Bailey

As I sit here having a few Tecate beers, a few things come to mind. 1) Do they use Mexican water to make this beer? If so, this may be a short contribution by the Cuz; 2) Is there any more an exciting time then the first College Football week? Finally, all of the speculation and the off-season stories can be resolved and matters may be settled on the field. The smell of bourbon and burgers in the air that comes stock with SEC football; 3) Other than being ranked in the top 5 by the AP and Coaches, the Gators seem to flying WAY under the radar compared to the past few years, and I must say, I love this; and 4) Am I the only one that can’t wait for Va Tech to kick the shit out of Boise State? It is oh so important that the Hokies take care of business this week, because if they do not, the Broncos have a cake walk schedule into Glendale, AZ at the end of the season. I just looked at their schedule and other than V-Tech, the toughest game they have is against Oregon State, which, I know, isn’t exactly easy. They play teams others schedule as pre-season games. Anyways, I’m sure it will all work out in the end, but I figured I would express my concerns immediately with all of you. Well, I hope yall aren’t looking for anything too in-depth this week as I have no idea what to expect, but hell hardly any of these games matter…SO let’s do this and GO GATORS!

El Gran Mono
Football is back!! And on 9/02/10 no less. In honor of my favorite TV show, lets go through a who's who in the SEC this year.

Bama - Brandon Walsh - Consistent, polished look. Annoyingly good. When they make mistakes, they are big mistakes. Drunk driving accidents, paying players, gambling with bookies (and having your boss pay them off), hiring player's fathers, sleeping with their professor's wife, coaches sleeping with their secretary, calling your recent ex a lesbian, firing your coach for having their picture taken with a stripper.

Florida - Brenda Walsh - Can look really hot when firing on all cylinders. At times, nothing can get in the way of saving animals, winning Nat'l Champsionships, and getting Dylan McKay back - not even FBI stings, Kelly Taylor, or the Alabama defense/Oklahoma offense. However, also prone to being a hothead leading to poor results - extreme spread against good defenses, marrying Stuart to piss Jim McKay off, failure to tackle against Bama, and moving in with Dylan at age 16.

Georgia - Kelly Taylor - Attractive and well groomed but full of lingering doubts. Whether its inability to communicate with a wayward father, self-image problems (despite weighing 100lbs with a smoking body), or the sense of impending doom before the annual loss to a hated rival.

LSU - Dylan McKay - Always a wild card. Despite winning Nat'l Championships or riding high on a $10 million trust fund, a coke/heroine/hooker depression fest or 7-5 season is never far away. Also, very dangerous, may throw batteries/glassware at opposing fans, ride/work on motorcycles, drink to extreme excess, or pull firearms on friends.

South Carolina - David Silver - Mildly talented but can't get over the hump. Penchant for winning the high school talent show and recruiting well but when it comes to rising to the top, it never seems to happen. Sure, you can go 6-0 or play backup keyboard for Babyface but you always end up with four losses and a Friday night sexless date with Donna Martin.

Ole Miss - Donna Martin - Poor clothing choices, worse grooming, and an inclination for false appearances. Perceived as wholesome, but in reality just trust funded morons who think they are way better than they are (see firing of Cutcliffe, attempt to become fashion designer).

Arkansas - Valerie Malone - Curvy and dangerous with lots of fast receivers and a strong armed QB. Extremely potent, but hollow inside. Lots of demons, whether its from killing their sexually abusive father, firing their most successful coach, or blowing fourth quarter leads in big games. Always hating/loving their home town (SWC or Buffalo).

Tennesssee - Nat Bussichio - Lots of succcess in the past but always on the brink of collapse. The Peach Pit can be thriving hangout for celebrities or it can be bankrupt the next day because of a decision to install a Karoke machine (Win SEC East one year, go 6-6 the next year).

Auburn - Steve Sanders - Always second fiddle despite a pretty good track record. You drive a new Corvette at all times, become President of your fraternity, go undefeated twice, and constantly compete for the conference title yet no one seems to respect you. Maybe its the haircut or three nicknames?

Kentucky - Ray Pruitt - Always talking about "your world", be it management of a pumpkin patch, working construction or winning basketball games. Evil at heart - i.e. - domestic abuse, Calipari...

Vanderbilt - Andrea Zuckerman-Vazquez - Ugly, irritating, perceived as smart. Everyone can't wait for them to leave.

Missisippi State - Jesse Vazquez - Lawyer, member of prestigous conference. Lots of losing, marriage to ugly, self-involved woman. Appearances can be deceptive...

You can follow EGM's rants all week long on Twitter: @elgranmono1865


September 2, 2010

Malt Licker
Southern Miss at South Carolina (-14) 7:30pm

It would be wrong to follow up my intro without bowing down to the Ol’ Ball Coach. Since the ‘Cocks might be the biggest competition for the Gators in the East, I’ll need to get it out of my system. Soon, he will be the enemy. The Cocks kickoff the season on a Thursday yet again, this time against a talented squad from Southern Miss. Rumor has it Stephen Garcia is on the wagon, but he can be DC-era Cuzzin’ Bailey hammered this week, as Spur-Dog’s experienced defensive front will take advantage of the Eagles young offensive line and shut out Favre’s boys from Hattiesburg.

Golden Iggles 0
G-Cocks 23

CB
Suthun Mess 13
Sorth Carolina 26

EGM

Golden Eagles - 14
Cocks - 31


September 4, 2010

12:00pm

Malt Licker
Miami (OH) at Florida (-35)

I’ve considered not writing about any games we play against our September sub-standard competition, as a silent protest. I don’t know if our circulation is expansive enough to generate much of a fuss in Foley’s office, so tell your friends about us! The Red Hawks Zac Dysert is supposed to be the top QB in the MAC, which is sort of like being the whitest dude in Somalia. I know Gators are excited for the John Brantley era to begin, but really, it will be exactly like all of his previous appearances. He’ll be lighting up another overmatched secondary.

Redmen 3
UF 54

CB
Meeami de Ohio 7
FLORIDA GATORS! 54

EGM
Redmen 6
Gators 48


12:20pm

Malt Licker
Louisiana-Lafayette at Georgia (-28)

Lou-La vs. Jawja. The Ragin’ Cajuns arrive in Athens, who can finally lay claim to the #1 ranking in something, partying. No doubt Mike “Temperence” Brown lit up Bernie Macheninajad’s phone line to find out how to lower their ranking. Did you know the Cajun’s mascot is an anthromorphic cayenne pepper with the rather unimaginative name of….Cayenne.

Creole U 6
Dawgs 31

CB
LA-Laf 6
Jawga 50

EGM
Rajin' Cajunz 13
UGA 31


3:30pm

El Gran Mono
Jacksonville State at Ole Miss (NL)
No Masoli. Those two words might sum up the Rebs season. Although, whatever hack Ole Miss comes up with to start may not be much worse than hyper-average Jevan Snead from a year ago. The biggest loss to overcome for the Rebels will be Dexter McCluster. He was basically their entire offense. When they were using him 30 times a game, they looked very good. When they were trying the traditional offense with an average back and Jevan Snead "breaking down" defenses, they looked very bad. I like Nutt. Not so much for his coaching prowess but for his enthusiam. He always seems to have good teams even though they look crappy on paper. Maybe he'll pull another Matt Jones out of a hat. I refuse to discuss a game involving Jax (not in FL) State.

Jax St 7
Rebs 48

ML
The Nicer Jacksonville State University 9
Ole Piss 41

CB
Jax State 10
Ole Miss 40


El Gran Mono
Kentucky at Louisville (+3.5)
In years past, Louisville was always the better team in this game. All of that changed when Steve Kragthorpe took that program into a death spiral.

KY's new coach Joker Phillips inherits a pretty decent offense except for an inexperienced line. Randall Cobb is one of the best players in the SEC and I'm sure Joker will try to get him involved early and often. That should be the difference between these two teams.

Kats 24
Cards 20

ML
Joker’s Kats 27
Charlie’s Cards 20

CB
Ky Sluts 23
Louisville Sluggah 32


6:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee (NL)
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, leave it to an ass like Lane Kiffin to make martyrs out of Al Davis and Tennessee. For a brief moment, my “I told you so” attitude to the Vols’ fans subsided to actual sympathy for letting themselves get played by that grifter. He and his dad, Monte, are such sell-out scumbags and yes I remember what the elder did for the Bucs, but now he is dead to me. In regards to UT, they have hired another son with an infamous father. Vince Dooley is the biggest POS the SEC ever saw. When he wasn’t busy paying off Hershel Walker he was rallying the other SEC ADs to screw over UF in the 80s. He single handedly cost the Gators 2 SEC and at least 1 National Championship. That’s a hell of a way to make a name for yourself. Now Dooley’s kid is the HC at UT and he brings his .500 record at La-Tech to the SEC. I would call it the shortest stint as a head coach in this league, but Lame pretty much made that impossible to match. In regards to the game, you’re looking at a straight up walkover. Sure the Vols lost Bryce Brown but they have plenty of thugs with guns to replace him.

T-Martin (not Tee Martin) 10
We like Hiring Son’s of Scum 45

EGM
Tenn-Martin 7
Vols 38

ML
Skyhawks 6
Jilted Vols 34


7:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
Tennessee Tech at Arkansas (NL)
Back in December, on a layover, we ran into the Razorbacks at the Peabody in Memphis. Bobby Petrino was everything he has been billed out to be, a total dick. That doesn’t mean he has a shitty team though. They are tough, and have brought back Ryan Mallet, who the experts predict to have a great year. He’s the best, most experienced QB in the SEC and that means Arkansas with make a serious run at the SEC West this year. This game has nothing to do with that. Stock warm up game versus…Tennessee Tech…Seriously, what does the Tech stand for hahahahaha!

Technical Knock Out 6
Arkansizzle 50

EGM
Tenn Tech 10
Hawgs 58

ML
Formerly Dixie College 6
Formerly in Southwest Conference 49


El Gran Mono
San Jose at Alabama (-38.5)
Did you hear Mark Ingram was hurt? Ok, just making sure. I think ESPN actually published the results of his MRI. Its an easy/non-controversial story that allows their panoply of shitty talking heads to over speculate about a non-existing problem. Why non-existing? Because they are playing San Jose State at home and Trent Richardson is probably the second best back in the SEC.

SJS 3
Bama 49

ML
Not Costa Rica 0
Not going undefeated 31

CB
San Hosay 0
Bammer 40


Cuzzin Bailey
Arkansas State at Auburn (-31)
Let me be clear, I totally hate Auburn, they are the bane of my SEC life. They host us in that rat-town of theirs, they always win by 1 or 2 or 3 or some small margin; they come to UF and upset a perfectly great season. If you ever find yourself in cow country aka the Plains, don’t fall for their phony charm. They are lying through their tooth about how they just want “y’all to take it easy on us.” It drives me crazy, its like they all take a class on how to faux-humility. Anyways, my point is, I always kind of liked Tommy Tuberville. Sure he coached these punks, and sure he dissed Ole Miss for a team in his own division, but at least he was wild and crazy. Gene Chizik is neither wild, nor crazy and coaches pretty well. And to make matters worse, he’s a Gator. A personality-less, Gator, coaching the enemy; two out of three does this guy in. Arkansas-State is leading the Sun Belt Conference this week simply because of alphabetical order. They finished 4-8 last year and aren’t lined up to do much better…should be a sleeper in crap-town USA.

Ark-State 13
Aw-Barn 45

EGM
Arky State 7
Plainsmen 41

ML
Lobos Rojo 3
Plainsmen 52


El Gran Mono
Memphis at Mississippi State (-21.5)
Its pretty hard to believe that Miss State is a 21+ point favorite over any D-IA team. I guess Dan Mullen deserves some props for that alone. Speaking of Mullen, I imagine that his system should be better implemented this year resulting in a pulse rate of somewhere around 50 as opposed to near flatlining levels a year ago.

Cannon Smith (former Cane) should start for Memphis. I doubt that makes a difference.

Memphis State 10
Dawgs 28

ML
Memph St 10
Mess St 34

CB
‘Frica 14
NO MORE COWBELL 30


7:30pm

Malt Licker
Northwestern at Vanderbilt (+5.5)

It’s the battle of overmatched private douche universities who should probably join the Ivy League! Vanderdork lost a good coach to an unexpected retirement and will probably languish at the bottom of the nation’s best conference for another century. Meanwhile, Pat Fitzgerald took over for Randy Walker and is trying to lead NU to their third consecutive bowl. The ‘Dores lost 26 lettermen and will have trouble covering against the Cats, even at home.

Evanston U 24
Nashville U 14

CB
North Smarts 23
South Smarts 19

EGM
NW 28
Vandy 17


8:00pm

Cuzzin Bailey
LSU v. North Carolina (at Atlanta) (LSU -3)
Game of the Week! Well, actually we didn’t discuss that, but this is definitely supposed to be the best game involving the SEC. Think of it in Spaghetti Western terms: if this were The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, this would be Clint Eastwood. UNC has the misfortune of currently being investigated by the NCAA for recruiting violations and academic fraud. And because some of the guys on the current roster have yet to be cleared by the Gestapo, if they play in any games and are then found to be ineligible, they games they participated in will be forfeited. Butch “the Cheat” Davis doesn’t have the stones to play guys like that. Meanwhile LSU is probably wondering how much longer they are gonna let Les Miles do nothing with such talent. The Tigers have been starting off slow these past few years, and the Tar Heels are supposed to have a great Defense (maybe the best in the country) and that will certainly cause problems for LSU and QB Jordan Jefferson (standard LSU player, loads of talent but not proven). I guess its just a good thing that white redneck ain’t behind center anymore…But regardless of how much I dislike these tigers, I’m still rooting for the SEC here. Hopefully they have a guy with a Cajun name to make fun of this season. This just in…UNC’s Marvin Austin has been suspended and the Heels may be playing IronMan this weekend HAHA!…Just made my decision a little be easier.

Tigahs 24
TahHeels 17

EGM
Cajuns 28
Tarheels 13

ML
Tiguhz 23
Heeyulz 21