El Gran Mono
I'm pretty excited about "Roadblock Saturday". In fact, anytime ESPN can brainstorm a catchy nickname for something I get even more excited. If they bring sponsor themed segments to CF Gameday, then I might actually die from ecstasy. For instance, the "Coor's Light Meltdown" (something Cuz knows about) would detail the downfall of a great program each week, highlighting the dumb mistakes in a Fall-of-Rome type of analysis: it was the lead pipes, it was the mismanagement of talent, it was the attempt to control such an expanse of land and cultures, it was the attempt to control the media with Stazi-like mechanisms, it was the inability to adapt to a changing world, it was the attempt to ram an offensive philosophy into place regardless of personnel. Another new segment would be called Smirnoff “On Ice”. This show would quickly go through each game and give expert predictions such that those with action could get final tips before putting their hard earned money at risk. I would almost insist this show be hosted by Todd McShay and Desmond Howard. These guys have such a knowledge base and predict games with such accuracy that their weekly picks might bring down the State of Nevada faster than Harry Reid.
Roadblock Saturday! Let do it!
Malt Licker
Has it really come to this? Are we really relegated to resting our hopes for a “successful” season on whether or not we can beat Georgia? It’s a testament to how far we’ve fallen in such a short time. The thought of it makes me depressed. Thankfully, I just saw Christian “big game” Ponder fumble the ball away to NC State and I am gearing up for Halloween with my first ever pumpkin purchase. It’s a pretty mundane slate of games this weekend, evidenced by the fact that the Cocktail Party is CBS’ “Game of the Week.”
Cuzzin Bailey
So, I guess you can call this “Do or Die Weekend” for the Gators. If we lose to UGA its gonna take an act of The Great Pumpkin™ to get us into the SEC Championship game. I know some of you are wondering why I still talk about this possibility, but let me tell you something; Urban has won 2 National Titles, he made Chris Leak into a Spread-Option QB and he can do the same for Brantley, plus with the running of the Trey Burton, having our backs…well, back, that will make a huge difference as well. Man, I’ll tell you, I just read an article and I feel like the players are getting “it” and right now my excitement for this weekend couldn’t be higher! I am seriously so pumped up for this game! Jawga fans and players are so confident right now, Gators is “struggin,” this is setting up to be a very different outcome than everyone is expecting. I was just watching Halloween, off the subject, and anyone else getting the parallels between Chris Rainey and Michael Myers? He makes one mistake and he’s sent away. Gone for a while he comes back and goes on a rampage. Hopefully Georgia will step into the role of The Strode family, and Michael, or “Chris”…wait wrong word in quotes there, anyways, Chris will go on a tear this weekend destroy UGA! Viva Michael Myers! One more thing before I send yall off into the world of the picks, I am so excited, this weekend I get to play the part of the “faux-humble-SEC-fan!” Let me get ready for this: “Gee, gosh, I hope y’all don’t be us too bad ;)” That’ll do. If this piques your interest, follow me on Twitter, DO IT: www.twittercom/cuzzinbailey
LSU and Alabama (OFF WEEK) – Each with a week off to get ready for their showdown next weekend!
12:21pm
EGM
Tennessee at South Carolina (-17)
I won’t stoop down to the level of the mainstream media by belittling Derek Dooley’s misinformed German army comparisons. I mean seriously, this is the guy cleaning up Lane Kiffin’s mess, much like Churchill cleaned up for Chamberlain. You can’t blame him for giving up on the Alabama game like Czechoslovakia. Give the guy a break, defending against the blitzkrieg of Julio Jones, Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson with Nick Reveiz and Co. is like defending Warsaw with a horse brigade against a Panzer regiment. Oops…
As for the game, I expect a Stalinesque style of defense by USC to stifle the summer coated Vols. Meanwhile, Steve Garcia will descend upon Rocky Top like Russian winter. Someone needs to sneak Smokey out like Niels Bohr before its too late.
Vols 13
Cocks 24
ML
UT 12
SC 21
CB
Vuls 14
Cocks 30
3:30pm
EGM
Florida v. Georgia (Jacksonville) (UGA by 3.5)
The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! Hold on a sec, my phone is ringing…“Oh, hi Bernie”…“What’s that? Your revoking my diploma?”. Well, I guess I had that coming ever since I had the audacity to drink more than one beer while watching a Gator game.
As for the game, the rumor around Gator country is there have been wholesale changes on offense. Does this mean adaptation to talent? Or does it mean more walk-ons in five wide sets? I’m betting on the former. Meyer won a game very similar to this one in his first year. He took down a highly rated UGA team behind a revamped offensive scheme. Granted, the Dawgs were featuring Joe Tereshinski III instead of DJ Shockley, but I distinctly remember a certain ESPN show singing the praises of handsome Joe before the game and how he would bring down the lowly Gators. If only Howard/McShay were on set in those days, then they could have told us how Meyer would adapt and take down the Dawgs.
The Dawgs are playing tough these days but they have gotten fat off some bad teams. I can’t believe I’m gonna make this pick after all of my negativity but I feel Urb has his chi back.
Gators 21
Dawgs 20
ML
Dawgs 20
Gators 14
CB
FLORIDA 23
Jawga 21
ML
Missouri at Nebraska (-7)
Mizzou baby! Undefeated with one major hurdle in Lincoln before a possible conference championship game! What is the state of Missouri known for? Mark Twain? Harry Truman? Compromise? As to football, they remind me of the Gamecocks…simultaneously capable of great upsets and questionable losses. A loss to the Huskers would not fall under either category, as Nebraska has regained their mojo behind their dynamic running QB Martinez. If the Tigers can find a way to protect Blaine Gabbert, they can pull off another upset and make Don Draper very happy.
Sad Don 19
Happy Husker 31
CB
Mizzou 23
Huskers 28
EGM
Mizzou 28
Nebraska 17
6:00pm
CB
Auburn at Ole Miss (+7)
Anyone else hear that Cam Newton is good? Seriously, he’s playing so well, and flying real low under the radar so far. No one talks about him, I feel like I’m discovering him here on BourbonBoys! So, from now on, any talk you hear about Newton, you can trace the source back to Cuzzin Bailey. Anyways, I have heard a LOT of people predicting an upset for this game. I’m not sure I’m sold. Sure it took two unbelievable runs for these Tigers to beat the Bayou Tigers, but…oh wait, Ole Miss, in a losing effort gave Arkansas a run for its money last week. Hmmm. I guess what I’m thinking is the game is close, but real late Newton steals the Heisman, like it’s a laptop, and runs for a score to win the ballgame. I hope this doesn’t dampen the spirits in Oxford as I will be visiting my future in-laws next weekend there for some fun! This weekend I’ll be tweeting from the Cocktail Party and next weekend from Vaught-Hemingway!
Barn it! 27
Bear Down 21
EGM
Aubie 31
Ole Miss 28
ML
Tiggers 29
Yogi Bears 20
7:00pm
CB
Vanderbilt at Arkansas (-21)
I was thinking this was gonna be stock Vanderbilt, kind of a tough nut to crack. Not sure which team would show up, would they get pumped up for a big game, etc etc. Well, as it turns out this game should be pretty cut and dry. The Commodores beat up on the hapless Easter Michigan (Mascot’s) three games ago, but have since been decimated by SEC East foes. Meanwhile, there are talking heads out there saying that if the Razorbacks were in the East, they would run away with the division. Not sure why that had to be said, but going along with that logic, Vandy is in for some real trouble. Arky has two losses to, arguably, the best two teams in the conference, and both games were close-ish. Not sure why I’m spending so much time on this, its gonna be a blowout.
Nerds, books, blah blah 10
What’s a Book? We’re hicks 33
EGM
'Dores 3
Arky 31
ML
VanderDweeb 3
Boss Hawg 40
ML
Kentucky at Mississippi State (-7)
I remember the last time the Gators lost to Mississippi State. I complained about how we lost to a team that lost to Maine, now I can say that we lost to a team that needed a 2nd half rally to beat UAB, at home. Is Ron Zook really our coach again? Is he going to pull off an Urban Meyer mask during the 4th quarter? Anyway, MSU looks to right the ship at home and register their sixth straight victory of the year after nearly screwing the pooch against the Dragons from Birmingham. They face the Cats, whose 98th ranked defense is the perfect tonic for any team struggling on offense. If MSU has turned the corner, they should have no problem dispatching of the Cats.
Black Cats 20
Good luck for Dawgs 40
CB
Still Kensucky 28
Still Trash 34
EGM
KY 21
Miss State 20
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK VIII
Cuzzin Bailey
Well, should I blame myself? Been to two Gator games, and we’ve lost both. Malt Licker was even at the LSU game. Curse of the Bourbon Boys? Speaking of Curses, AMC is showing a Friday the 13th marathon this week, and as its winding down, I kind of felt that Jason was personifying our struggles. I mean just when you think he’s dead (we’re driving down the field), BAM! A machete comes out of nowhere or you’re wrapped up in a sleeping bag getting slammed against a tree, and Jason or “fumbles” come back and the Bulldogs are running the ball 99% of the second half, wasting precious clock and any legit chance at a Gator comeback. Two camp counselors are about to make a baby (Trey Burton running stellar option), and Steve Addazio, er...uh Jason, comes at you with a spear gun (makes Johnny Brantley run the option). Loss of 4, lose momentum, another teenager dead. Okay, this is getting a little abstract…Hopefully the Gator bye week will allow Meyer to come out swinging against UGA. I don’t care if he runs bubble screens up and down the field (ala Zook in ‘02), win the game. Oh yea, in regards to last week, if you want to see how frustrating it is for a team to not throw the ball but still get first downs, watch that scene in BlackSheep where Farley and Spade are playing checkers and Spade, “NEVER MOVES HIS BACK ROW!!” That should sum it up. Good games this week, but whatever. Hey I’m on Twitter, and I’m hilarious www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
El Gran Mono
I absolutely love college football. Last week really cemented that fact for me. A few upsets and the unveiling of the BCS standings. Outside of a 48 hour step show festival, it doesn’t really get much better than last week’s games. The Gators are off this week but LSU-Auburn should fill the pleasure gap admirably. Unfortunately, neither of them run true “spread” offenses or else I would be in heaven. Maybe I’ll sneak in a morning viewing of UF-Miss State just to appease my admiration of that glorious offense and diverse, effective playcalling.
Malt Licker
When evaluating the Gators this year, all I can think about is that mediocre movie starring a bearded Clooney and Wahlberg, The Perfect Storm. Tebow leaves, Spikes, Haden & Co leave, Charlie Strong finally gets tabbed to run a program of his own, Tebow’s clone leaves the school, and Urban’s health issues cause him to take time off to recuperate and ask Addazio to take control of the entire program, coordinate the conclusion of recruiting, run the offense and coach the offensive line. To top things off, Tebow’s ’07 backup is now a Heisman front-runner for the Plainsmen. Is it any wonder our team is flailing around like Marky Mark in the Outer Banks? We don’t even get to think about Diane Lane naked. I can’t think of a program that needs a week off more. Now we can “perfect” the spread and that deadly swing pass to Emmanuel Moody.
FLORIDA (OFF) – ML has a special note for the UF bye week: “I think the Bye Week wins by 10 points, and I predict an arrest this weekend.”
12:21pm
ML
Ole Miss at Arkansas (-10)
Why is it that Petrino can put up 50 points with his backup quarterback and the Gators can only score 7 at home against Mississippi Freaking State? Watching Arkansas and Auburn run up and down the field last week made me sick to my stomach. I’d take Arky’s backup Tyler Wilson right now. He’d at least be able to lead Moody on these swing passes so that he can get back to the line of scrimmage instead of losing 4 yards. Did the Rebels get a chance to unveil “Rebel Bear” last week? Who feels worse? Urban watching Cam Newton highlights or Masoli watching the Ducks put 60 points on the board with total ease?
Paddington Bear 23
Hoggies 42
CB
Bears can be Rebels! 20
Pigs 31
EGM
Black Bears 17
Hawgs 24
3:30pm
CB
LSU at Auburn (-6.5)
Not going to say it, not going to say it…alright fine. For old time’s sake, “I guarantee the Tigers will win this game”…ugh. Look, this is going to be the game of the year, so far. I can hardly begin to describe how important this game is. The winner will control their destiny to get to Atlanta and MAYBE the National Championship game. These are the only two undefeateds in the SEC and Saturday circa 6pm, there will be only one. Everyone knows how lucky L”Les”U is, but you can’t JUST be lucky in this league. I actually feel like the Bayou Bengals will be able to move the ball against Auburn, cause War Eagle defense just ain’t their strong suit. No, The Plainsmen have this cat (yuck yuck) named Cam Newton. Former Gator player, constructively kicked off the team (his playing time was demoted) due to a moment of serious stupidity. That act of ignorance was followed by another one. When it was determined he was not the future of Gator football, UF’s coaches let him get away. Now he’s a heistman contender and leading a very potent offense. This is going to be a barn burner, and I just feel like there is too much at stake for this line to be this high. I like a close one here, Tigers by a late field goal…
Bayou 23
Barn 24
EGM
Tigers of LSU 28
Plainsmen of AU 24
ML
Tigers 10
Plainsmen 24
7:00pm
EGM
UAB at Mississippi State (-19.5)
If there is an offense I like more than the Gators, its Miss State’s. Chris Relf is a masterful thrower of the football and a slick runner. Dan Mullen has this team hitting on all cylinders after a wonderful offensive display in Gainesville. The real question for his team: will they break the NCAA record for passing yards and points in a game?
I don’t know much about UAB but they put up a strong fight against a disciplined and talented Tennessee team so I’m really surprised to see the line this high. The Dragons are also proud members of Conference USA which is home to some of the most dynamic football programs in the country. This game just has awesome written all over it. I know where I’ll be at 7pm.
Dragons 3
Miss State 31
ML
Maybe better than UF 3
Definitely better than UF 24
CB
Blue Blazers 7
Boring Dogs 28
CB
Alabama at Tennessee (+16.5)
The always dramatic “Third Saturday in October!” Okay the moniker hasn’t applied in a few years, but the intensity remains. Do yall remember that it took a last second field goal BLOCK for the Tide to remain in the fruitful National Title hunt last year??? I do. UT looked to be in control, but Bama came back late and the Vols last ditch effort was thwarted by the Crimson Tide. This year, Tennessee appears to be way down, new coach and all, but this is one of the most historic rivalries in the Conference and that can always play a part in how teams face each other. Will the Vol Navy come out in full force to cheer their Orange-clad warriors on, or will Bama flex their muscles as they attempt to return to form before they battle the two Tigers in November? UT wasn’t supposed to be in that game last year, and they were, but this year, Nick’s Boys have tasted their own blood. If they aren’t fired up for this game, knowing what’s at stake, then I don’t know anything. I like Bama big-ish as the game progresses, but look for some excitement early on!
BAMA 35
Vols 17
EGM
Crimson Tide 28
Vols 13
ML
Tide 34
Vols 10
ML
South Carolina at Vanderbilt (+12.5)
I’m thinking we may need to start calling the SEC East the AFC West. The Gamecocks managed to choke away a chance to take an almost insurmountable division lead by blowing a big lead in Lexington. Shit, as the Ol’ Ball Coach said this week, Vanderbilt is still in the hunt. To bury the ‘Dores, the Cocks will need to break an 8 game SEC road losing streak without their stud RB Lattimore, who will be out with an ankle injury. I don’t think I’ve watched one hour of Vanderbilt this year. They can’t be any less entertaining than the Gators.
Cocks 24
Vandy 14
CB
Choke Cocks 34
Vandie 14
EGM
Cocks 24
Vandy 12
7:30pm
EGM
Georgia at Kentucky (+3.5)
Shootout in Lexington! Randall Cobb v. Washaun Ealy. This is likely a game for the ages in the SEC. Two scrappy defenses trying to stop world class offenses. Two classy coaches. The bluegrass is in early fall bloom. I think I just shed a tear. I’ll be watching this one live for sure, but its also getting save until delete status on my Tivo.
Dawgs 31
Kats 28
ML
Dogs 31
Cats 24
CB
Dawgs 32
Cats 28
Well, should I blame myself? Been to two Gator games, and we’ve lost both. Malt Licker was even at the LSU game. Curse of the Bourbon Boys? Speaking of Curses, AMC is showing a Friday the 13th marathon this week, and as its winding down, I kind of felt that Jason was personifying our struggles. I mean just when you think he’s dead (we’re driving down the field), BAM! A machete comes out of nowhere or you’re wrapped up in a sleeping bag getting slammed against a tree, and Jason or “fumbles” come back and the Bulldogs are running the ball 99% of the second half, wasting precious clock and any legit chance at a Gator comeback. Two camp counselors are about to make a baby (Trey Burton running stellar option), and Steve Addazio, er...uh Jason, comes at you with a spear gun (makes Johnny Brantley run the option). Loss of 4, lose momentum, another teenager dead. Okay, this is getting a little abstract…Hopefully the Gator bye week will allow Meyer to come out swinging against UGA. I don’t care if he runs bubble screens up and down the field (ala Zook in ‘02), win the game. Oh yea, in regards to last week, if you want to see how frustrating it is for a team to not throw the ball but still get first downs, watch that scene in BlackSheep where Farley and Spade are playing checkers and Spade, “NEVER MOVES HIS BACK ROW!!” That should sum it up. Good games this week, but whatever. Hey I’m on Twitter, and I’m hilarious www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
El Gran Mono
I absolutely love college football. Last week really cemented that fact for me. A few upsets and the unveiling of the BCS standings. Outside of a 48 hour step show festival, it doesn’t really get much better than last week’s games. The Gators are off this week but LSU-Auburn should fill the pleasure gap admirably. Unfortunately, neither of them run true “spread” offenses or else I would be in heaven. Maybe I’ll sneak in a morning viewing of UF-Miss State just to appease my admiration of that glorious offense and diverse, effective playcalling.
Malt Licker
When evaluating the Gators this year, all I can think about is that mediocre movie starring a bearded Clooney and Wahlberg, The Perfect Storm. Tebow leaves, Spikes, Haden & Co leave, Charlie Strong finally gets tabbed to run a program of his own, Tebow’s clone leaves the school, and Urban’s health issues cause him to take time off to recuperate and ask Addazio to take control of the entire program, coordinate the conclusion of recruiting, run the offense and coach the offensive line. To top things off, Tebow’s ’07 backup is now a Heisman front-runner for the Plainsmen. Is it any wonder our team is flailing around like Marky Mark in the Outer Banks? We don’t even get to think about Diane Lane naked. I can’t think of a program that needs a week off more. Now we can “perfect” the spread and that deadly swing pass to Emmanuel Moody.
FLORIDA (OFF) – ML has a special note for the UF bye week: “I think the Bye Week wins by 10 points, and I predict an arrest this weekend.”
12:21pm
ML
Ole Miss at Arkansas (-10)
Why is it that Petrino can put up 50 points with his backup quarterback and the Gators can only score 7 at home against Mississippi Freaking State? Watching Arkansas and Auburn run up and down the field last week made me sick to my stomach. I’d take Arky’s backup Tyler Wilson right now. He’d at least be able to lead Moody on these swing passes so that he can get back to the line of scrimmage instead of losing 4 yards. Did the Rebels get a chance to unveil “Rebel Bear” last week? Who feels worse? Urban watching Cam Newton highlights or Masoli watching the Ducks put 60 points on the board with total ease?
Paddington Bear 23
Hoggies 42
CB
Bears can be Rebels! 20
Pigs 31
EGM
Black Bears 17
Hawgs 24
3:30pm
CB
LSU at Auburn (-6.5)
Not going to say it, not going to say it…alright fine. For old time’s sake, “I guarantee the Tigers will win this game”…ugh. Look, this is going to be the game of the year, so far. I can hardly begin to describe how important this game is. The winner will control their destiny to get to Atlanta and MAYBE the National Championship game. These are the only two undefeateds in the SEC and Saturday circa 6pm, there will be only one. Everyone knows how lucky L”Les”U is, but you can’t JUST be lucky in this league. I actually feel like the Bayou Bengals will be able to move the ball against Auburn, cause War Eagle defense just ain’t their strong suit. No, The Plainsmen have this cat (yuck yuck) named Cam Newton. Former Gator player, constructively kicked off the team (his playing time was demoted) due to a moment of serious stupidity. That act of ignorance was followed by another one. When it was determined he was not the future of Gator football, UF’s coaches let him get away. Now he’s a heistman contender and leading a very potent offense. This is going to be a barn burner, and I just feel like there is too much at stake for this line to be this high. I like a close one here, Tigers by a late field goal…
Bayou 23
Barn 24
EGM
Tigers of LSU 28
Plainsmen of AU 24
ML
Tigers 10
Plainsmen 24
7:00pm
EGM
UAB at Mississippi State (-19.5)
If there is an offense I like more than the Gators, its Miss State’s. Chris Relf is a masterful thrower of the football and a slick runner. Dan Mullen has this team hitting on all cylinders after a wonderful offensive display in Gainesville. The real question for his team: will they break the NCAA record for passing yards and points in a game?
I don’t know much about UAB but they put up a strong fight against a disciplined and talented Tennessee team so I’m really surprised to see the line this high. The Dragons are also proud members of Conference USA which is home to some of the most dynamic football programs in the country. This game just has awesome written all over it. I know where I’ll be at 7pm.
Dragons 3
Miss State 31
ML
Maybe better than UF 3
Definitely better than UF 24
CB
Blue Blazers 7
Boring Dogs 28
CB
Alabama at Tennessee (+16.5)
The always dramatic “Third Saturday in October!” Okay the moniker hasn’t applied in a few years, but the intensity remains. Do yall remember that it took a last second field goal BLOCK for the Tide to remain in the fruitful National Title hunt last year??? I do. UT looked to be in control, but Bama came back late and the Vols last ditch effort was thwarted by the Crimson Tide. This year, Tennessee appears to be way down, new coach and all, but this is one of the most historic rivalries in the Conference and that can always play a part in how teams face each other. Will the Vol Navy come out in full force to cheer their Orange-clad warriors on, or will Bama flex their muscles as they attempt to return to form before they battle the two Tigers in November? UT wasn’t supposed to be in that game last year, and they were, but this year, Nick’s Boys have tasted their own blood. If they aren’t fired up for this game, knowing what’s at stake, then I don’t know anything. I like Bama big-ish as the game progresses, but look for some excitement early on!
BAMA 35
Vols 17
EGM
Crimson Tide 28
Vols 13
ML
Tide 34
Vols 10
ML
South Carolina at Vanderbilt (+12.5)
I’m thinking we may need to start calling the SEC East the AFC West. The Gamecocks managed to choke away a chance to take an almost insurmountable division lead by blowing a big lead in Lexington. Shit, as the Ol’ Ball Coach said this week, Vanderbilt is still in the hunt. To bury the ‘Dores, the Cocks will need to break an 8 game SEC road losing streak without their stud RB Lattimore, who will be out with an ankle injury. I don’t think I’ve watched one hour of Vanderbilt this year. They can’t be any less entertaining than the Gators.
Cocks 24
Vandy 14
CB
Choke Cocks 34
Vandie 14
EGM
Cocks 24
Vandy 12
7:30pm
EGM
Georgia at Kentucky (+3.5)
Shootout in Lexington! Randall Cobb v. Washaun Ealy. This is likely a game for the ages in the SEC. Two scrappy defenses trying to stop world class offenses. Two classy coaches. The bluegrass is in early fall bloom. I think I just shed a tear. I’ll be watching this one live for sure, but its also getting save until delete status on my Tivo.
Dawgs 31
Kats 28
ML
Dogs 31
Cats 24
CB
Dawgs 32
Cats 28
Friday, October 15, 2010
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK VII
Malt Licker
Ugh…could not be less enthused about this week’s edition of the Bourbon Boys. I’m totally negative about our Gators, and fully expect to lose another 2 or 3 games this year. If only the SEC had a tie-in to the Sun Bowl in El Paso. I’ve heard that’s a great trip. Another great trip is Peyote, which I recommend if you ever have to watch the Gators play offense. The good news (for everyone) is that I only have to write about two games this week. I’m mailing this week’s edition in so much I should put a stamp on it.
Cuzzin Bailey
In a slight change of pace, and with the mood around Bourbon Boy Central a bit grim, we decided to just stick to the slate of SEC games and give yall a shortened version of the Picks this week! Not sure why that deserved an exclamation point. Anyways, I was considering being a complete brat this week and just typing clichés and random words to express my frustration, but I think I got that out of my system on Saturday night after a few (lot) glasses of Maker’s Mark. I played a little game of “de-friend chicken” with the Gator Haters on Facebook. Like most late-night decisions, it made me feel good at the time, but the next day I regretted it, until I had the softball game of my life on Sunday! So I’m over feeling sorry for myself, over being sorry for the Gators, and no longer angry at terrible defense and not being able to recognize the most OBVIOUS fake field goal in the history of the sport. I’m ready to start anew, with new goals in mind. The Gators still hold their SEC destiny in their hands. Win the rest of our games (which aren’t against real powerhouses) and its off to Atlanta. Lose one, and it looks bad. This week we are playing the West Dawgs of Starkville. If this game were away I would cringe at the thought of cowbells and the second most intimidating high school stadium in the Country, (I’m sure the first is in West Canaan, TX). But this contest will be in the Swamp, and while that may not be an advantage against Les Miles and his Magic Hat, it should prove to be helpful against a hapless bottom feeding team in the very strong West Division.
El Gran Mono
Last week was certainly disappointing for Gator and Tide fans. Both groups thought they were head and shoulders above the rest of the SEC. OBC and Les Miles had something to say about that and Ol’ Cam Newton is proving he is more than just a laptop thief. This week brings the return of the Telestalker, Chris Rainey. Although he’s not supposed to play, it wouldn’t make a difference either way because he’s one of the Minus Two Crew (other member Emmanuel Moody). Clearly, the big game of the week is Arkansas v. Auburn but I’m also expecting a few “not so fast my friends” from the supposed elite or former elite of this great league.
(Tennessee – OFF)
12:21pm
CB
Vanderbilt at Georgia (-16.5)
Last week Vandy took care of Eastern Michigan as predicted, but UGA threw a(nother) wrench in my plans. Let’s just at this point in the season, it is VERY possible that Jawga could be the Gators. They played their asses off last week and knocked Tennessee back to basketball season (which is going to be a rude awakening when they have to fire their coach). AJ Green is who we thought he was. He is big and strong and has phenomenal hands. Everytime the Dawgs get inside the 15, they should just throw that fade route, watch Green eat it up. Also, new UGA in the house. I didn’t even realize the one we’ve been seeing was a substitute. That should be the real factor here…
Vahndabilt 10
Juh-ja 33
EGM
Vandy 10
UGA 31
ML
Vandy 13
UGA 23
3:30pm
CB
Arkansas at Auburn (-3)
The Auburn Tigers (enter more nicknames here) are one of two teams in the entire SEC to remain without a loss, which means that NEXT WEEK’S game against LSU will put that team in control of their destiny for the West and possibly more! That factor makes this weekend a TRAP GAME! You know, that game in which a team over looks their task at hand while looking forward to the one next on their schedule. Well this is the quintessential trap game. Last Saturday, Auburn had a hard time with Kentucky, meaning I way over estimated the Plainsmen defense. That does not bode well for this game. Arkansas can sling the ball around the field and hell, if Kentucky’s QB can throw for 83% and hit 3 receivers for 5-plus receptions each then imagine what a GOOD team will do. I’m gonna be stupid for a second. I’m gonna pick this upset cause hell, I have no idea which teams are gonna show up.
Arkanpass 23
Tigers Buy Hot Items 22
EGM
Arky 28
Aubie 27
ML
ARK-kansas 30
Luck-gonesas 28
6:00pm
EGM
South Carolina at Kentucky (+6)
Stevo finally got his big win at USC. But wait, he got that big win in his FIRST season by beating UF to prevent them from going to the SEC championship game. I think Bammer still has another conference loss in them so perhaps the BIG win will turn into just a big win. Listening to Finebaum this week, I learned that USC did not actually win the game last week so much as Bammer lost. I guess these people didn’t watch Stephen Garcia, Alshon Jefferey, and Marcus Lattimore shred the Bammer defense for four quarters.
KY almost made a crazy comeback against the hapless Auburn defense last week. Randall Cobb finds a way to score in some pretty remarkable ways. I’m betting the Cocks have the same problems with Cobb and this one goes to the wire.
Cocks 24
Kats 21
ML
Cocky Cocks 27
Snakebit Kats 22
CB
Cocks Let Down? 30
Kats Rally? 17
7:00pm
ML
Mississippi State at Florida (-8)
How can this pathetic team be favored over anyone? Our defensive backs couldn’t tackle me in the open field. Our only healthy running back is a drippy pussy who fumbles with ease. We have no pass rush. Our supposedly “great coach” was outsmarted by Les fucking Miles. I haven’t even touched on our train-wreck of an offense. Does it really take 2 months to figure out that Andre Debose might be effective on the jet sweep? Is it illegal to throw the ball to Carl Moore greater than 15 yards down the field? I know…let’s try to perfect the uber-choreographed “swing” pass to our drippy-pussy Running Back. Is it possible to pay Dan Mullen 10 million bucks a year to murder Addazio and call our plays on offense? At lease our fans aren’t entitled…
MSU 34
UF 4
CB
Cows? Dogs? 13
FLORIDA!! 30
EGM
Gators 21
Miss State 20
EGM
McNeese at LSU (Offline)
McNeese State is located in Lake Charles, Louisiana. They appear to have an awesome statue of a cowboy riding a bucking bronco on campus. They have just welcomed their sixth President, Dr. Philip C. Williams to campus. They also host a rodeo.
Although the presence of a rodeo with 500 miles usually distracts Les Miles, the Cajuns shouldn’t have any trouble with the Cowboys.
Cowboys 0
LSU 53
ML
McNeese Nuts 6
Les’ Balls 44
CB
McNeez 2
I hate LS-YOU 6 (last second 73 yard fake field goal)
9:00pm
ML
Ole Miss at Alabama (-20)
Well good, ‘Bama lost. I’d like to think it was due to a letdown after their “big match” against the mighty Gators, but you and I both know that is bullshit. The Spur-Dog just had his team ready to play and may have the best running back in the conference. Lattimore knifed through the Bama D like Jack the Ripper. The bad news is that now UF gets to look forward to watching him put up 145 yards and 3 TDs against Duke Lemmens & Co. I’m sure Saban started thinking of ways to make Ole Miss pay for the upset in Columbia. The good news for Ole Miss is they had a week off to prepare for this beating.
Wow…I just saw that Ole Miss finally named a new mascot. Get this, its Rebel Black Bear. Are you serious??? Were Trey Parker and Matt Stone unwilling to give up Sexual Harassment Panda or the Giant Douche? Margaret Ann Morgan, a co-chairman of the student mascot selection committee, said the bear was recommended because it had a Mississippi connection, would appeal to children and would be unique to the Southeastern Conference. Yea…uniquely gay. What connections do Bears have to Mississippians? Do they both like honey? Can they both not read? What a joke…
The Bears 0
The Tide 40
CB
New Mascot Alert! 20
BAMA 39
EGM
Homosexual Bears 3
Bammer 41
Ugh…could not be less enthused about this week’s edition of the Bourbon Boys. I’m totally negative about our Gators, and fully expect to lose another 2 or 3 games this year. If only the SEC had a tie-in to the Sun Bowl in El Paso. I’ve heard that’s a great trip. Another great trip is Peyote, which I recommend if you ever have to watch the Gators play offense. The good news (for everyone) is that I only have to write about two games this week. I’m mailing this week’s edition in so much I should put a stamp on it.
Cuzzin Bailey
In a slight change of pace, and with the mood around Bourbon Boy Central a bit grim, we decided to just stick to the slate of SEC games and give yall a shortened version of the Picks this week! Not sure why that deserved an exclamation point. Anyways, I was considering being a complete brat this week and just typing clichés and random words to express my frustration, but I think I got that out of my system on Saturday night after a few (lot) glasses of Maker’s Mark. I played a little game of “de-friend chicken” with the Gator Haters on Facebook. Like most late-night decisions, it made me feel good at the time, but the next day I regretted it, until I had the softball game of my life on Sunday! So I’m over feeling sorry for myself, over being sorry for the Gators, and no longer angry at terrible defense and not being able to recognize the most OBVIOUS fake field goal in the history of the sport. I’m ready to start anew, with new goals in mind. The Gators still hold their SEC destiny in their hands. Win the rest of our games (which aren’t against real powerhouses) and its off to Atlanta. Lose one, and it looks bad. This week we are playing the West Dawgs of Starkville. If this game were away I would cringe at the thought of cowbells and the second most intimidating high school stadium in the Country, (I’m sure the first is in West Canaan, TX). But this contest will be in the Swamp, and while that may not be an advantage against Les Miles and his Magic Hat, it should prove to be helpful against a hapless bottom feeding team in the very strong West Division.
El Gran Mono
Last week was certainly disappointing for Gator and Tide fans. Both groups thought they were head and shoulders above the rest of the SEC. OBC and Les Miles had something to say about that and Ol’ Cam Newton is proving he is more than just a laptop thief. This week brings the return of the Telestalker, Chris Rainey. Although he’s not supposed to play, it wouldn’t make a difference either way because he’s one of the Minus Two Crew (other member Emmanuel Moody). Clearly, the big game of the week is Arkansas v. Auburn but I’m also expecting a few “not so fast my friends” from the supposed elite or former elite of this great league.
(Tennessee – OFF)
12:21pm
CB
Vanderbilt at Georgia (-16.5)
Last week Vandy took care of Eastern Michigan as predicted, but UGA threw a(nother) wrench in my plans. Let’s just at this point in the season, it is VERY possible that Jawga could be the Gators. They played their asses off last week and knocked Tennessee back to basketball season (which is going to be a rude awakening when they have to fire their coach). AJ Green is who we thought he was. He is big and strong and has phenomenal hands. Everytime the Dawgs get inside the 15, they should just throw that fade route, watch Green eat it up. Also, new UGA in the house. I didn’t even realize the one we’ve been seeing was a substitute. That should be the real factor here…
Vahndabilt 10
Juh-ja 33
EGM
Vandy 10
UGA 31
ML
Vandy 13
UGA 23
3:30pm
CB
Arkansas at Auburn (-3)
The Auburn Tigers (enter more nicknames here) are one of two teams in the entire SEC to remain without a loss, which means that NEXT WEEK’S game against LSU will put that team in control of their destiny for the West and possibly more! That factor makes this weekend a TRAP GAME! You know, that game in which a team over looks their task at hand while looking forward to the one next on their schedule. Well this is the quintessential trap game. Last Saturday, Auburn had a hard time with Kentucky, meaning I way over estimated the Plainsmen defense. That does not bode well for this game. Arkansas can sling the ball around the field and hell, if Kentucky’s QB can throw for 83% and hit 3 receivers for 5-plus receptions each then imagine what a GOOD team will do. I’m gonna be stupid for a second. I’m gonna pick this upset cause hell, I have no idea which teams are gonna show up.
Arkanpass 23
Tigers Buy Hot Items 22
EGM
Arky 28
Aubie 27
ML
ARK-kansas 30
Luck-gonesas 28
6:00pm
EGM
South Carolina at Kentucky (+6)
Stevo finally got his big win at USC. But wait, he got that big win in his FIRST season by beating UF to prevent them from going to the SEC championship game. I think Bammer still has another conference loss in them so perhaps the BIG win will turn into just a big win. Listening to Finebaum this week, I learned that USC did not actually win the game last week so much as Bammer lost. I guess these people didn’t watch Stephen Garcia, Alshon Jefferey, and Marcus Lattimore shred the Bammer defense for four quarters.
KY almost made a crazy comeback against the hapless Auburn defense last week. Randall Cobb finds a way to score in some pretty remarkable ways. I’m betting the Cocks have the same problems with Cobb and this one goes to the wire.
Cocks 24
Kats 21
ML
Cocky Cocks 27
Snakebit Kats 22
CB
Cocks Let Down? 30
Kats Rally? 17
7:00pm
ML
Mississippi State at Florida (-8)
How can this pathetic team be favored over anyone? Our defensive backs couldn’t tackle me in the open field. Our only healthy running back is a drippy pussy who fumbles with ease. We have no pass rush. Our supposedly “great coach” was outsmarted by Les fucking Miles. I haven’t even touched on our train-wreck of an offense. Does it really take 2 months to figure out that Andre Debose might be effective on the jet sweep? Is it illegal to throw the ball to Carl Moore greater than 15 yards down the field? I know…let’s try to perfect the uber-choreographed “swing” pass to our drippy-pussy Running Back. Is it possible to pay Dan Mullen 10 million bucks a year to murder Addazio and call our plays on offense? At lease our fans aren’t entitled…
MSU 34
UF 4
CB
Cows? Dogs? 13
FLORIDA!! 30
EGM
Gators 21
Miss State 20
EGM
McNeese at LSU (Offline)
McNeese State is located in Lake Charles, Louisiana. They appear to have an awesome statue of a cowboy riding a bucking bronco on campus. They have just welcomed their sixth President, Dr. Philip C. Williams to campus. They also host a rodeo.
Although the presence of a rodeo with 500 miles usually distracts Les Miles, the Cajuns shouldn’t have any trouble with the Cowboys.
Cowboys 0
LSU 53
ML
McNeese Nuts 6
Les’ Balls 44
CB
McNeez 2
I hate LS-YOU 6 (last second 73 yard fake field goal)
9:00pm
ML
Ole Miss at Alabama (-20)
Well good, ‘Bama lost. I’d like to think it was due to a letdown after their “big match” against the mighty Gators, but you and I both know that is bullshit. The Spur-Dog just had his team ready to play and may have the best running back in the conference. Lattimore knifed through the Bama D like Jack the Ripper. The bad news is that now UF gets to look forward to watching him put up 145 yards and 3 TDs against Duke Lemmens & Co. I’m sure Saban started thinking of ways to make Ole Miss pay for the upset in Columbia. The good news for Ole Miss is they had a week off to prepare for this beating.
Wow…I just saw that Ole Miss finally named a new mascot. Get this, its Rebel Black Bear. Are you serious??? Were Trey Parker and Matt Stone unwilling to give up Sexual Harassment Panda or the Giant Douche? Margaret Ann Morgan, a co-chairman of the student mascot selection committee, said the bear was recommended because it had a Mississippi connection, would appeal to children and would be unique to the Southeastern Conference. Yea…uniquely gay. What connections do Bears have to Mississippians? Do they both like honey? Can they both not read? What a joke…
The Bears 0
The Tide 40
CB
New Mascot Alert! 20
BAMA 39
EGM
Homosexual Bears 3
Bammer 41
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC 2010 - WEEK VI
El Gran Mono
Well last week certainly taught us a few things about the SEC. It confirmed once again, that Les Miles is a moron and Nick Saban is an assassin. It also showed that Uga is really awful and not jut the victim of the sec. And finally, it displayed what happens to a young, uncoached team without an identity...I'll let you decide who that was.
Malt Licker
So I went to Tuscaloosa last weekend and some of my cohorts had the opportunity to hang out with Addazio’s sister, they reported that she said the same 4 or 5 phrases over and over all evening. I’m sorry I missed it. However, despite the outcome, I’m not sorry I decided to head to Tuscaloosa for the game. It truly is a one-of-a-kind scene. We were all taken aback by the friendliness of the ‘Bama faithful, its like they knew they were going to bitch-slap us. It was good meeting up with Cuzzin Bailey and mega-thanks to the soon-to-be Mrs. CB for putting together a fabulous spread Saturday afternoon. If not for that sustenance my liver would have exploded. If anyone plans to head to Tuscaloosa and tailgate on the quad, take my advice, it is not necessary to endure the fiasco of trying to reserve space the night before the game. If you show up early enough there will be plenty of space to party.
Cuzzin Bailey
Well the Rays are certainly not piquing my interest which is a good thing for Gator football. But first things first, last weekend, aside from the game, was outstanding. My Bourbon Girl set up a phenomenal party for my family, friends and me! It was stocked with phenomenal BBQ, fried chicken and all the Knob Creeks I could “handle,” (get it, we got a handle of it…actually it didn’t have a handle but it was the size of…alright forget it). And of course I tried my standard routine of trying to drink all the bourbon and beer that they made, but you know booze companies…they keep making more. Anyways, its clear it would have been a different game had we actually scored touchdowns on our trips inside the redzone, but give Bama credit. They survived our advances and kept Bryant-Denny rocking til the end. Btw, to all those concerned, the secret pocket I sewed into my boxers helped me sneak in at least 8 minis of Jim Beam, (truth be told I can’t remember how many I brought in). Anyways, I’m kinda busy watching Navy Seals right now, if you could just come back later for my picks, that would be greaaaat…Oh yea, and if you want to continue reading the hilarious/angry comments: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey
(Ole Miss – OFF) – Last week we decided to stop writing about teams with bye weeks…it just makes sense.
12:21pm
CB
Tennessee at Georgia (-13)
Not sure if you can tell, but I drew the short end of the damn stick this week! This is the best you’re gonna get from me. Both these teams lost last week. In fact, the only reason the SEC East wasn’t swept last weekend is cause the Cocks were off. The Dawgs lost at freaking Colorado, and UT played the Bayou Bengals admirably but, lost after they won? The Vols had too many men on the field when LSU blew their clock management AGAIN thereby giving The Hat another shot at redemption. These two jokers are a combined 0-5 in conference and the only thing that’s gonna matter after Saturday is that one won’t look like so shitty on paper. Clearly the addition of AJ Green to Team UGA wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and that’s why I have no idea why this line is so high. I mean I saw that Jawga hung in with the Hawgs earlier in the season, but they just lost to Colorado, how many times must this be said before it sinks in??? I don’t know which crappy team I like better here, but while I’m rooting for UT b/c we have the tie-breaker on them, I think I might as well at least follow Vegas’ lead in deciding who wins…
Vuls Suck 23
So do da Dawgs 24
EGM
Vols 14
Dawgs 24
ML
Smokey 11+2 = Loss
UGA 20
3:30pm
ML
Alabama at South Carolina (+6.5)
Kind of a set-up game for the Tide here as they go on the road to face their third straight ranked opponent. The Cocks are coming off a bye week, which gave them a chance to lick their wounds after blowing a lead to Auburn and focus on the defending champs. Unfortunately for Spurrier, his alma mater did not make Alabama work one iota last week. Bama opened up such an early lead they were able to play their milquetoast/TBS baseball announcer offense and take the air out of the ball while the Gators continued to run dives off the read option for 4 yard losses. Julio Jones is banged up so if the ‘Cocks can actually, you know, score Touchdowns while inside the five, they might just shock the world. The good news is they have a stud RB who can actually break tackles and a coach with no patience for bad snaps and fumbles.
‘Bama 26
‘Lina 20
CB
BAMA 30
Sorth Carolina 20
EGM
Tide 31
Cocks 13
EGM
Arkansas at Texas A&M (+7)
When I first saw the line as arky +7 I almost booked a flight to Vegas. Turns out the line is -7 but I'm still thinking about the flight. Damn work getting in the way though. Tejas A&M is your standard USFL team, lots of tossing it around and big scoring. Unfortunately for them, they are not playing in that league this week and must face real competition. Arky is still a little pissed about he Bammer game and they will take it out on the Aggs this Saturday.
Aggs 17
Hawgs 38
ML
Hawgies 35
Aggies 20
CB
Arky 34
Another Crappy Texas Team 13
ML
Michigan State at Michigan (-5)
The Big House will be packed this Saturday, and the scoreboard might break, as both schools ride in undefeated with high-scoring offenses and porous defenses. I just checked out the over/under and it is coming in at a relatively low 64. Am I missing something? Is there an early blizzard scheduled for the Lower Peninsula? If I were a betting man, I’d be all over that line. As for the game, there are a bunch of interesting subplots. Can Denard Robinson continue to single-handedly account for 99.9999% of Michigan’s offense? Will MSU coach Mark Dantonio call another crazy fake and almost croak? Will Sparty take home the Paul Bunyan Trophy for the third consecutive year? Since both of these teams played and beat Notre Dame, and both have defensive vulnerabilities similar to the Irish, does it strain credulity to think this game will be similar to when they each played Notre Dame? This game will be similar to the BC/Miami game of 1984, with one team trying to take as much time off the clock before the winning score. The only questions are a) who will be that team? And b) does the other team have some Flutie magic?
Sparty 38
Black Flutie 41
CB
Shoelace 27
HeartAttack 26
EGM
Sparty 28
Denard 24
7:00pm
CB
Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt (-25)
I have some nice things to say about Michigan, they had lovely Florida-fall weather in mid-September and everyone was great. Now that I’ve said that, I have absolutely no idea what to expect from the Eagles. Wait, just looked at their record, now I know what to expect. Remember that scene in Starship Troopers when the infantry first went to the Bug Planet and got owned? This is gonna be close, just less deaths. Sounds like EMU is God awful, and Vandy seems be able to rush the ball decently enough. The line might be a Vegas attempt to sucker people into betting on the Commodores, but honestly, when the hell was the last time that happened??
Emus 6
I’d Rather be Studyin’ 36
EGM
East Hades 10
Dores 28
ML
Eagles 2
‘Dores 35
7:30pm
EGM
LSU at Florida (-7)
The last time the gators got pasted by Alabama they reacted pretty well. Granted they had weeks to recover and were playing a team with a DI-AA defense but they still played well. In fact, they even opened up the the offense a little and got great results.
Last week against bammer, people were open and even got the ball in the open field. It just so happened that the gators couldn't make that final effort and punch it in. After being pissed for 48 hours, I'm actually quite optimistic about this gator team.
As for lsu, they have a strong defense, no offense, and a clown for head coach. Only one of those things helps in the swamp at night. And even that will wear down.
Tigers 7
Gator 32
ML
Tiguhz 6
Gatuhz 14
CB
LSU Bleauxs! 10
FLORIDA! 24
CB
Auburn at Kentucky (+7.5)
I like how the line is almost like a backhanded compliment to the ‘Cats…they haven’t been able to stop ANYONE this year! And it ain’t like Aw-Barn is struggin on offense. As much as I hate to admit it, Cam Newton is unbelievable and while I’m glad we don’t have his stolen-laptop-buying ass on our team, I sure as hell wish we had a player like him. He is going to run/pass/blast through and over and by Kensucky and its not going to be close. God my stomach hurts just slightly singing the Tigers/Plainsmen/War Eagle praises. I hate them, but I’m not too stubborn (this week) to follow my gut.
Big Cats 42
Lil’ Catz 20
EGM
Plainsmen 27
KY 14
ML
Plainsmen 20
Horsemen 24
8:00pm
EGM
Mississippi State at Houston (+5)
Houston lost their stud qb earlier this year. Without him they will have serious trouble with average Miss State. Mullen has this team on the right track but giving points on the road? I don't think so
Dogs 31
Cougs 28
ML
Bulldogs 28
Cougars 21
CB
Mullen’s Dawgs 34
Phi Slamma Crappa 17
ML
Florida State at Miami (-7)
Remember when this game was relevant? I do, the first college football game I ever attended was between FSU and Miami at the Doak back in 1987. It was a classic, with Michael Irvin leading the Canes back. It seems like a long time ago, both for me and for these two programs, who have not been relevant on the national stage in years. ESPNABC is trying to hype this game up, but much like the two starting quarterbacks, it won’t pan out. Sure, it will probably be a close game, but it will be a game riddled with penalties, dropped passes, and interceptions. I can’t believe the Canes are a 7 point favorite. With Jacory “jam it into triple coverage” Harris under center, that number is way too high. People keep telling me Christian Ponder is good too, but every time I watch him play he either sucks, gets hurt, or both. He’s like a hooker with an abusive pimp. The good news is hookers with abusive pimps are careful, so Ponder will make less mistakes than Harris, which should secure a cover for the Criminole$
F$U 20
$cum 24
CB
Seminoli Means Runaway (in Creek) 23
Angry Weather! 28
EGM
Semis 28
Canes 24
Well last week certainly taught us a few things about the SEC. It confirmed once again, that Les Miles is a moron and Nick Saban is an assassin. It also showed that Uga is really awful and not jut the victim of the sec. And finally, it displayed what happens to a young, uncoached team without an identity...I'll let you decide who that was.
Malt Licker
So I went to Tuscaloosa last weekend and some of my cohorts had the opportunity to hang out with Addazio’s sister, they reported that she said the same 4 or 5 phrases over and over all evening. I’m sorry I missed it. However, despite the outcome, I’m not sorry I decided to head to Tuscaloosa for the game. It truly is a one-of-a-kind scene. We were all taken aback by the friendliness of the ‘Bama faithful, its like they knew they were going to bitch-slap us. It was good meeting up with Cuzzin Bailey and mega-thanks to the soon-to-be Mrs. CB for putting together a fabulous spread Saturday afternoon. If not for that sustenance my liver would have exploded. If anyone plans to head to Tuscaloosa and tailgate on the quad, take my advice, it is not necessary to endure the fiasco of trying to reserve space the night before the game. If you show up early enough there will be plenty of space to party.
Cuzzin Bailey
Well the Rays are certainly not piquing my interest which is a good thing for Gator football. But first things first, last weekend, aside from the game, was outstanding. My Bourbon Girl set up a phenomenal party for my family, friends and me! It was stocked with phenomenal BBQ, fried chicken and all the Knob Creeks I could “handle,” (get it, we got a handle of it…actually it didn’t have a handle but it was the size of…alright forget it). And of course I tried my standard routine of trying to drink all the bourbon and beer that they made, but you know booze companies…they keep making more. Anyways, its clear it would have been a different game had we actually scored touchdowns on our trips inside the redzone, but give Bama credit. They survived our advances and kept Bryant-Denny rocking til the end. Btw, to all those concerned, the secret pocket I sewed into my boxers helped me sneak in at least 8 minis of Jim Beam, (truth be told I can’t remember how many I brought in). Anyways, I’m kinda busy watching Navy Seals right now, if you could just come back later for my picks, that would be greaaaat…Oh yea, and if you want to continue reading the hilarious/angry comments: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey
(Ole Miss – OFF) – Last week we decided to stop writing about teams with bye weeks…it just makes sense.
12:21pm
CB
Tennessee at Georgia (-13)
Not sure if you can tell, but I drew the short end of the damn stick this week! This is the best you’re gonna get from me. Both these teams lost last week. In fact, the only reason the SEC East wasn’t swept last weekend is cause the Cocks were off. The Dawgs lost at freaking Colorado, and UT played the Bayou Bengals admirably but, lost after they won? The Vols had too many men on the field when LSU blew their clock management AGAIN thereby giving The Hat another shot at redemption. These two jokers are a combined 0-5 in conference and the only thing that’s gonna matter after Saturday is that one won’t look like so shitty on paper. Clearly the addition of AJ Green to Team UGA wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and that’s why I have no idea why this line is so high. I mean I saw that Jawga hung in with the Hawgs earlier in the season, but they just lost to Colorado, how many times must this be said before it sinks in??? I don’t know which crappy team I like better here, but while I’m rooting for UT b/c we have the tie-breaker on them, I think I might as well at least follow Vegas’ lead in deciding who wins…
Vuls Suck 23
So do da Dawgs 24
EGM
Vols 14
Dawgs 24
ML
Smokey 11+2 = Loss
UGA 20
3:30pm
ML
Alabama at South Carolina (+6.5)
Kind of a set-up game for the Tide here as they go on the road to face their third straight ranked opponent. The Cocks are coming off a bye week, which gave them a chance to lick their wounds after blowing a lead to Auburn and focus on the defending champs. Unfortunately for Spurrier, his alma mater did not make Alabama work one iota last week. Bama opened up such an early lead they were able to play their milquetoast/TBS baseball announcer offense and take the air out of the ball while the Gators continued to run dives off the read option for 4 yard losses. Julio Jones is banged up so if the ‘Cocks can actually, you know, score Touchdowns while inside the five, they might just shock the world. The good news is they have a stud RB who can actually break tackles and a coach with no patience for bad snaps and fumbles.
‘Bama 26
‘Lina 20
CB
BAMA 30
Sorth Carolina 20
EGM
Tide 31
Cocks 13
EGM
Arkansas at Texas A&M (+7)
When I first saw the line as arky +7 I almost booked a flight to Vegas. Turns out the line is -7 but I'm still thinking about the flight. Damn work getting in the way though. Tejas A&M is your standard USFL team, lots of tossing it around and big scoring. Unfortunately for them, they are not playing in that league this week and must face real competition. Arky is still a little pissed about he Bammer game and they will take it out on the Aggs this Saturday.
Aggs 17
Hawgs 38
ML
Hawgies 35
Aggies 20
CB
Arky 34
Another Crappy Texas Team 13
ML
Michigan State at Michigan (-5)
The Big House will be packed this Saturday, and the scoreboard might break, as both schools ride in undefeated with high-scoring offenses and porous defenses. I just checked out the over/under and it is coming in at a relatively low 64. Am I missing something? Is there an early blizzard scheduled for the Lower Peninsula? If I were a betting man, I’d be all over that line. As for the game, there are a bunch of interesting subplots. Can Denard Robinson continue to single-handedly account for 99.9999% of Michigan’s offense? Will MSU coach Mark Dantonio call another crazy fake and almost croak? Will Sparty take home the Paul Bunyan Trophy for the third consecutive year? Since both of these teams played and beat Notre Dame, and both have defensive vulnerabilities similar to the Irish, does it strain credulity to think this game will be similar to when they each played Notre Dame? This game will be similar to the BC/Miami game of 1984, with one team trying to take as much time off the clock before the winning score. The only questions are a) who will be that team? And b) does the other team have some Flutie magic?
Sparty 38
Black Flutie 41
CB
Shoelace 27
HeartAttack 26
EGM
Sparty 28
Denard 24
7:00pm
CB
Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt (-25)
I have some nice things to say about Michigan, they had lovely Florida-fall weather in mid-September and everyone was great. Now that I’ve said that, I have absolutely no idea what to expect from the Eagles. Wait, just looked at their record, now I know what to expect. Remember that scene in Starship Troopers when the infantry first went to the Bug Planet and got owned? This is gonna be close, just less deaths. Sounds like EMU is God awful, and Vandy seems be able to rush the ball decently enough. The line might be a Vegas attempt to sucker people into betting on the Commodores, but honestly, when the hell was the last time that happened??
Emus 6
I’d Rather be Studyin’ 36
EGM
East Hades 10
Dores 28
ML
Eagles 2
‘Dores 35
7:30pm
EGM
LSU at Florida (-7)
The last time the gators got pasted by Alabama they reacted pretty well. Granted they had weeks to recover and were playing a team with a DI-AA defense but they still played well. In fact, they even opened up the the offense a little and got great results.
Last week against bammer, people were open and even got the ball in the open field. It just so happened that the gators couldn't make that final effort and punch it in. After being pissed for 48 hours, I'm actually quite optimistic about this gator team.
As for lsu, they have a strong defense, no offense, and a clown for head coach. Only one of those things helps in the swamp at night. And even that will wear down.
Tigers 7
Gator 32
ML
Tiguhz 6
Gatuhz 14
CB
LSU Bleauxs! 10
FLORIDA! 24
CB
Auburn at Kentucky (+7.5)
I like how the line is almost like a backhanded compliment to the ‘Cats…they haven’t been able to stop ANYONE this year! And it ain’t like Aw-Barn is struggin on offense. As much as I hate to admit it, Cam Newton is unbelievable and while I’m glad we don’t have his stolen-laptop-buying ass on our team, I sure as hell wish we had a player like him. He is going to run/pass/blast through and over and by Kensucky and its not going to be close. God my stomach hurts just slightly singing the Tigers/Plainsmen/War Eagle praises. I hate them, but I’m not too stubborn (this week) to follow my gut.
Big Cats 42
Lil’ Catz 20
EGM
Plainsmen 27
KY 14
ML
Plainsmen 20
Horsemen 24
8:00pm
EGM
Mississippi State at Houston (+5)
Houston lost their stud qb earlier this year. Without him they will have serious trouble with average Miss State. Mullen has this team on the right track but giving points on the road? I don't think so
Dogs 31
Cougs 28
ML
Bulldogs 28
Cougars 21
CB
Mullen’s Dawgs 34
Phi Slamma Crappa 17
ML
Florida State at Miami (-7)
Remember when this game was relevant? I do, the first college football game I ever attended was between FSU and Miami at the Doak back in 1987. It was a classic, with Michael Irvin leading the Canes back. It seems like a long time ago, both for me and for these two programs, who have not been relevant on the national stage in years. ESPNABC is trying to hype this game up, but much like the two starting quarterbacks, it won’t pan out. Sure, it will probably be a close game, but it will be a game riddled with penalties, dropped passes, and interceptions. I can’t believe the Canes are a 7 point favorite. With Jacory “jam it into triple coverage” Harris under center, that number is way too high. People keep telling me Christian Ponder is good too, but every time I watch him play he either sucks, gets hurt, or both. He’s like a hooker with an abusive pimp. The good news is hookers with abusive pimps are careful, so Ponder will make less mistakes than Harris, which should secure a cover for the Criminole$
F$U 20
$cum 24
CB
Seminoli Means Runaway (in Creek) 23
Angry Weather! 28
EGM
Semis 28
Canes 24
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