Ugh…could not be less enthused about this week’s edition of the Bourbon Boys. I’m totally negative about our Gators, and fully expect to lose another 2 or 3 games this year. If only the SEC had a tie-in to the Sun Bowl in El Paso. I’ve heard that’s a great trip. Another great trip is Peyote, which I recommend if you ever have to watch the Gators play offense. The good news (for everyone) is that I only have to write about two games this week. I’m mailing this week’s edition in so much I should put a stamp on it.
In a slight change of pace, and with the mood around Bourbon Boy Central a bit grim, we decided to just stick to the slate of SEC games and give yall a shortened version of the Picks this week! Not sure why that deserved an exclamation point. Anyways, I was considering being a complete brat this week and just typing clichés and random words to express my frustration, but I think I got that out of my system on Saturday night after a few (lot) glasses of Maker’s Mark. I played a little game of “de-friend chicken” with the Gator Haters on Facebook. Like most late-night decisions, it made me feel good at the time, but the next day I regretted it, until I had the softball game of my life on Sunday! So I’m over feeling sorry for myself, over being sorry for the Gators, and no longer angry at terrible defense and not being able to recognize the most OBVIOUS fake field goal in the history of the sport. I’m ready to start anew, with new goals in mind. The Gators still hold their SEC destiny in their hands. Win the rest of our games (which aren’t against real powerhouses) and its off to Atlanta. Lose one, and it looks bad. This week we are playing the West Dawgs of Starkville. If this game were away I would cringe at the thought of cowbells and the second most intimidating high school stadium in the Country, (I’m sure the first is in West Canaan, TX). But this contest will be in the Swamp, and while that may not be an advantage against Les Miles and his Magic Hat, it should prove to be helpful against a hapless bottom feeding team in the very strong West Division.
El Gran Mono
Last week was certainly disappointing for Gator and Tide fans. Both groups thought they were head and shoulders above the rest of the SEC. OBC and Les Miles had something to say about that and Ol’ Cam Newton is proving he is more than just a laptop thief. This week brings the return of the Telestalker, Chris Rainey. Although he’s not supposed to play, it wouldn’t make a difference either way because he’s one of the Minus Two Crew (other member Emmanuel Moody). Clearly, the big game of the week is Arkansas v. Auburn but I’m also expecting a few “not so fast my friends” from the supposed elite or former elite of this great league.
(Tennessee – OFF)
Vanderbilt at Georgia (-16.5)
Last week Vandy took care of Eastern Michigan as predicted, but UGA threw a(nother) wrench in my plans. Let’s just at this point in the season, it is VERY possible that Jawga could be the Gators. They played their asses off last week and knocked Tennessee back to basketball season (which is going to be a rude awakening when they have to fire their coach). AJ Green is who we thought he was. He is big and strong and has phenomenal hands. Everytime the Dawgs get inside the 15, they should just throw that fade route, watch Green eat it up. Also, new UGA in the house. I didn’t even realize the one we’ve been seeing was a substitute. That should be the real factor here…
Arkansas at Auburn (-3)
The Auburn Tigers (enter more nicknames here) are one of two teams in the entire SEC to remain without a loss, which means that NEXT WEEK’S game against LSU will put that team in control of their destiny for the West and possibly more! That factor makes this weekend a TRAP GAME! You know, that game in which a team over looks their task at hand while looking forward to the one next on their schedule. Well this is the quintessential trap game. Last Saturday, Auburn had a hard time with Kentucky, meaning I way over estimated the Plainsmen defense. That does not bode well for this game. Arkansas can sling the ball around the field and hell, if Kentucky’s QB can throw for 83% and hit 3 receivers for 5-plus receptions each then imagine what a GOOD team will do. I’m gonna be stupid for a second. I’m gonna pick this upset cause hell, I have no idea which teams are gonna show up.
Tigers Buy Hot Items 22
South Carolina at Kentucky (+6)
Stevo finally got his big win at USC. But wait, he got that big win in his FIRST season by beating UF to prevent them from going to the SEC championship game. I think Bammer still has another conference loss in them so perhaps the BIG win will turn into just a big win. Listening to Finebaum this week, I learned that USC did not actually win the game last week so much as Bammer lost. I guess these people didn’t watch Stephen Garcia, Alshon Jefferey, and Marcus Lattimore shred the Bammer defense for four quarters.
KY almost made a crazy comeback against the hapless Auburn defense last week. Randall Cobb finds a way to score in some pretty remarkable ways. I’m betting the Cocks have the same problems with Cobb and this one goes to the wire.
Cocky Cocks 27
Snakebit Kats 22
Cocks Let Down? 30
Kats Rally? 17
Mississippi State at Florida (-8)
How can this pathetic team be favored over anyone? Our defensive backs couldn’t tackle me in the open field. Our only healthy running back is a drippy pussy who fumbles with ease. We have no pass rush. Our supposedly “great coach” was outsmarted by Les fucking Miles. I haven’t even touched on our train-wreck of an offense. Does it really take 2 months to figure out that Andre Debose might be effective on the jet sweep? Is it illegal to throw the ball to Carl Moore greater than 15 yards down the field? I know…let’s try to perfect the uber-choreographed “swing” pass to our drippy-pussy Running Back. Is it possible to pay Dan Mullen 10 million bucks a year to murder Addazio and call our plays on offense? At lease our fans aren’t entitled…
Cows? Dogs? 13
Miss State 20
McNeese at LSU (Offline)
McNeese State is located in Lake Charles, Louisiana. They appear to have an awesome statue of a cowboy riding a bucking bronco on campus. They have just welcomed their sixth President, Dr. Philip C. Williams to campus. They also host a rodeo.
Although the presence of a rodeo with 500 miles usually distracts Les Miles, the Cajuns shouldn’t have any trouble with the Cowboys.
McNeese Nuts 6
Les’ Balls 44
I hate LS-YOU 6 (last second 73 yard fake field goal)
Ole Miss at Alabama (-20)
Well good, ‘Bama lost. I’d like to think it was due to a letdown after their “big match” against the mighty Gators, but you and I both know that is bullshit. The Spur-Dog just had his team ready to play and may have the best running back in the conference. Lattimore knifed through the Bama D like Jack the Ripper. The bad news is that now UF gets to look forward to watching him put up 145 yards and 3 TDs against Duke Lemmens & Co. I’m sure Saban started thinking of ways to make Ole Miss pay for the upset in Columbia. The good news for Ole Miss is they had a week off to prepare for this beating.
Wow…I just saw that Ole Miss finally named a new mascot. Get this, its Rebel Black Bear. Are you serious??? Were Trey Parker and Matt Stone unwilling to give up Sexual Harassment Panda or the Giant Douche? Margaret Ann Morgan, a co-chairman of the student mascot selection committee, said the bear was recommended because it had a Mississippi connection, would appeal to children and would be unique to the Southeastern Conference. Yea…uniquely gay. What connections do Bears have to Mississippians? Do they both like honey? Can they both not read? What a joke…
The Bears 0
The Tide 40
New Mascot Alert! 20
Homosexual Bears 3