El Gran Mono
Well last week certainly taught us a few things about the SEC. It confirmed once again, that Les Miles is a moron and Nick Saban is an assassin. It also showed that Uga is really awful and not jut the victim of the sec. And finally, it displayed what happens to a young, uncoached team without an identity...I'll let you decide who that was.
Malt Licker
So I went to Tuscaloosa last weekend and some of my cohorts had the opportunity to hang out with Addazio’s sister, they reported that she said the same 4 or 5 phrases over and over all evening. I’m sorry I missed it. However, despite the outcome, I’m not sorry I decided to head to Tuscaloosa for the game. It truly is a one-of-a-kind scene. We were all taken aback by the friendliness of the ‘Bama faithful, its like they knew they were going to bitch-slap us. It was good meeting up with Cuzzin Bailey and mega-thanks to the soon-to-be Mrs. CB for putting together a fabulous spread Saturday afternoon. If not for that sustenance my liver would have exploded. If anyone plans to head to Tuscaloosa and tailgate on the quad, take my advice, it is not necessary to endure the fiasco of trying to reserve space the night before the game. If you show up early enough there will be plenty of space to party.
Cuzzin Bailey
Well the Rays are certainly not piquing my interest which is a good thing for Gator football. But first things first, last weekend, aside from the game, was outstanding. My Bourbon Girl set up a phenomenal party for my family, friends and me! It was stocked with phenomenal BBQ, fried chicken and all the Knob Creeks I could “handle,” (get it, we got a handle of it…actually it didn’t have a handle but it was the size of…alright forget it). And of course I tried my standard routine of trying to drink all the bourbon and beer that they made, but you know booze companies…they keep making more. Anyways, its clear it would have been a different game had we actually scored touchdowns on our trips inside the redzone, but give Bama credit. They survived our advances and kept Bryant-Denny rocking til the end. Btw, to all those concerned, the secret pocket I sewed into my boxers helped me sneak in at least 8 minis of Jim Beam, (truth be told I can’t remember how many I brought in). Anyways, I’m kinda busy watching Navy Seals right now, if you could just come back later for my picks, that would be greaaaat…Oh yea, and if you want to continue reading the hilarious/angry comments: http://twitter.com/CuzzinBailey
(Ole Miss – OFF) – Last week we decided to stop writing about teams with bye weeks…it just makes sense.
12:21pm
CB
Tennessee at Georgia (-13)
Not sure if you can tell, but I drew the short end of the damn stick this week! This is the best you’re gonna get from me. Both these teams lost last week. In fact, the only reason the SEC East wasn’t swept last weekend is cause the Cocks were off. The Dawgs lost at freaking Colorado, and UT played the Bayou Bengals admirably but, lost after they won? The Vols had too many men on the field when LSU blew their clock management AGAIN thereby giving The Hat another shot at redemption. These two jokers are a combined 0-5 in conference and the only thing that’s gonna matter after Saturday is that one won’t look like so shitty on paper. Clearly the addition of AJ Green to Team UGA wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and that’s why I have no idea why this line is so high. I mean I saw that Jawga hung in with the Hawgs earlier in the season, but they just lost to Colorado, how many times must this be said before it sinks in??? I don’t know which crappy team I like better here, but while I’m rooting for UT b/c we have the tie-breaker on them, I think I might as well at least follow Vegas’ lead in deciding who wins…
Vuls Suck 23
So do da Dawgs 24
EGM
Vols 14
Dawgs 24
ML
Smokey 11+2 = Loss
UGA 20
3:30pm
ML
Alabama at South Carolina (+6.5)
Kind of a set-up game for the Tide here as they go on the road to face their third straight ranked opponent. The Cocks are coming off a bye week, which gave them a chance to lick their wounds after blowing a lead to Auburn and focus on the defending champs. Unfortunately for Spurrier, his alma mater did not make Alabama work one iota last week. Bama opened up such an early lead they were able to play their milquetoast/TBS baseball announcer offense and take the air out of the ball while the Gators continued to run dives off the read option for 4 yard losses. Julio Jones is banged up so if the ‘Cocks can actually, you know, score Touchdowns while inside the five, they might just shock the world. The good news is they have a stud RB who can actually break tackles and a coach with no patience for bad snaps and fumbles.
‘Bama 26
‘Lina 20
CB
BAMA 30
Sorth Carolina 20
EGM
Tide 31
Cocks 13
EGM
Arkansas at Texas A&M (+7)
When I first saw the line as arky +7 I almost booked a flight to Vegas. Turns out the line is -7 but I'm still thinking about the flight. Damn work getting in the way though. Tejas A&M is your standard USFL team, lots of tossing it around and big scoring. Unfortunately for them, they are not playing in that league this week and must face real competition. Arky is still a little pissed about he Bammer game and they will take it out on the Aggs this Saturday.
Aggs 17
Hawgs 38
ML
Hawgies 35
Aggies 20
CB
Arky 34
Another Crappy Texas Team 13
ML
Michigan State at Michigan (-5)
The Big House will be packed this Saturday, and the scoreboard might break, as both schools ride in undefeated with high-scoring offenses and porous defenses. I just checked out the over/under and it is coming in at a relatively low 64. Am I missing something? Is there an early blizzard scheduled for the Lower Peninsula? If I were a betting man, I’d be all over that line. As for the game, there are a bunch of interesting subplots. Can Denard Robinson continue to single-handedly account for 99.9999% of Michigan’s offense? Will MSU coach Mark Dantonio call another crazy fake and almost croak? Will Sparty take home the Paul Bunyan Trophy for the third consecutive year? Since both of these teams played and beat Notre Dame, and both have defensive vulnerabilities similar to the Irish, does it strain credulity to think this game will be similar to when they each played Notre Dame? This game will be similar to the BC/Miami game of 1984, with one team trying to take as much time off the clock before the winning score. The only questions are a) who will be that team? And b) does the other team have some Flutie magic?
Sparty 38
Black Flutie 41
CB
Shoelace 27
HeartAttack 26
EGM
Sparty 28
Denard 24
7:00pm
CB
Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt (-25)
I have some nice things to say about Michigan, they had lovely Florida-fall weather in mid-September and everyone was great. Now that I’ve said that, I have absolutely no idea what to expect from the Eagles. Wait, just looked at their record, now I know what to expect. Remember that scene in Starship Troopers when the infantry first went to the Bug Planet and got owned? This is gonna be close, just less deaths. Sounds like EMU is God awful, and Vandy seems be able to rush the ball decently enough. The line might be a Vegas attempt to sucker people into betting on the Commodores, but honestly, when the hell was the last time that happened??
Emus 6
I’d Rather be Studyin’ 36
EGM
East Hades 10
Dores 28
ML
Eagles 2
‘Dores 35
7:30pm
EGM
LSU at Florida (-7)
The last time the gators got pasted by Alabama they reacted pretty well. Granted they had weeks to recover and were playing a team with a DI-AA defense but they still played well. In fact, they even opened up the the offense a little and got great results.
Last week against bammer, people were open and even got the ball in the open field. It just so happened that the gators couldn't make that final effort and punch it in. After being pissed for 48 hours, I'm actually quite optimistic about this gator team.
As for lsu, they have a strong defense, no offense, and a clown for head coach. Only one of those things helps in the swamp at night. And even that will wear down.
Tigers 7
Gator 32
ML
Tiguhz 6
Gatuhz 14
CB
LSU Bleauxs! 10
FLORIDA! 24
CB
Auburn at Kentucky (+7.5)
I like how the line is almost like a backhanded compliment to the ‘Cats…they haven’t been able to stop ANYONE this year! And it ain’t like Aw-Barn is struggin on offense. As much as I hate to admit it, Cam Newton is unbelievable and while I’m glad we don’t have his stolen-laptop-buying ass on our team, I sure as hell wish we had a player like him. He is going to run/pass/blast through and over and by Kensucky and its not going to be close. God my stomach hurts just slightly singing the Tigers/Plainsmen/War Eagle praises. I hate them, but I’m not too stubborn (this week) to follow my gut.
Big Cats 42
Lil’ Catz 20
EGM
Plainsmen 27
KY 14
ML
Plainsmen 20
Horsemen 24
8:00pm
EGM
Mississippi State at Houston (+5)
Houston lost their stud qb earlier this year. Without him they will have serious trouble with average Miss State. Mullen has this team on the right track but giving points on the road? I don't think so
Dogs 31
Cougs 28
ML
Bulldogs 28
Cougars 21
CB
Mullen’s Dawgs 34
Phi Slamma Crappa 17
ML
Florida State at Miami (-7)
Remember when this game was relevant? I do, the first college football game I ever attended was between FSU and Miami at the Doak back in 1987. It was a classic, with Michael Irvin leading the Canes back. It seems like a long time ago, both for me and for these two programs, who have not been relevant on the national stage in years. ESPNABC is trying to hype this game up, but much like the two starting quarterbacks, it won’t pan out. Sure, it will probably be a close game, but it will be a game riddled with penalties, dropped passes, and interceptions. I can’t believe the Canes are a 7 point favorite. With Jacory “jam it into triple coverage” Harris under center, that number is way too high. People keep telling me Christian Ponder is good too, but every time I watch him play he either sucks, gets hurt, or both. He’s like a hooker with an abusive pimp. The good news is hookers with abusive pimps are careful, so Ponder will make less mistakes than Harris, which should secure a cover for the Criminole$
F$U 20
$cum 24
CB
Seminoli Means Runaway (in Creek) 23
Angry Weather! 28
EGM
Semis 28
Canes 24
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