First order of business: The Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC will no longer be emailed to individual accounts. Yeah, its sounds bad, but in reality it’s a great thing. We’ve got so many readers now that it’s a serious pain in the ass to break up the emails in order to avoid spamfilters. Thanks to all the readers and keep passing our name along. www.bourbonboys.blogspot.com. We’ll be up every week either Wednesday or Thursday night depending on when everyone is playing that week and what time you call it a night.
El Gran Mono
Yeah, I’m leading it off for one reason, I’m the fucking champ! But when you are as dominant a champ as myself you have to adapt and this year the Bourbon Boys will be going Against The Spread (ATS) every week, should be a great time.
After the trip to
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Another football season is right around the corner. I hope to God that you aren’t looking to me as the key to your salvation….wow, from what I gather, it would appear that Awww-burn is the favorite … but hell … who really cares about preseason shite??.... WOW, its only apropos, that I am watching Total Recall tonight…I consider myself to be the Ahhh-nold character of College Football Picks. You know, lost confused, but possibly headed in the right direction … what am I talking about???
Malt Licker
Well sports fans, it is that time again. Our journey through the desert is about over, and we are on the cusp of the Promised Land. Football widows around the nation, especially in the Southeast, are preparing to watch their husbands vanish like the Pharaoh’s army beneath the
Western Division (Predicted Order of Finish)
EGM (4)
Wow,
The Tide faithful now place all their hopes on Jefferson Pilot Wilson, Kenneth Darby and a new variety of Skoal that doesn’t burn after your fourth dip that day. While Darby and the O-Line are strong, JP Wilson and Prothro’s leg are not. Everyone in the league is going to stack it 8/9 deep around the line until
CB (3)
So, I hope yall are cool after what’s his face broke his leg...man...I was there … I hope it was worth it … Shula pulled another D-bag move … lets just say that in line with Total Recall, I would say that you have the Michael Ironside character from this scenario … You sound like a badass, but in the end, you pretty much get your arms ripped off… maybe that doesn’t make sense to everyone….
ML (4)
The Haircut leaves, rumor has it he was just sacked by
EGM (3)
Cuzzin’ Bailey’s favorite Coach is on the brink of getting canned. Good thing he got the #1 QB recruit in all of the land to replace the Dick they had last year. I’m still not buying into some of the hype surrounding
CB (4)
Oooooo AR-KANSAS….break out the moonshine …. Matt Jones’ can’t help you, you fucking rednecks (of course he has been gone for a few years now drunkie)… its really a shame that this school will be forever known as the most redneck school in the conference…. I mean hell, we have the entire State of
ML (3)
It might be do-or-die time for my favorite SEC WEST Coach. Nutt has presided over a controversy at QB, where Johnson beat out Dick. Highly touted quarterback prospect Mitch Mustache followed his HS coach to
AUBURN TIGERS
EGM (2)
The Plainsmen have really been hitting the radio and TV circuit hard trying to convince everyone how awesome they have been the last two seasons. However, nobody has mentioned they have glided through the SEC both of those years without having to play UF because they bitched out and picked douchetastic UGA as their annual butt buddy. Guess what, paybacks are a bitch even if you have some stud named Irons on your team who can run through concrete walls. AWWWWWWWWWBUNNNN may good but pretty boy Brandon Cox has looked shaky in situations where they were counting on him. Trust me, with LSU and UF stacking against the run, BrandONE will definitely have to show up. Unfortunately, the prohibitionist nature of the Plainsmen results in a lesser nature of loudness and their EIGHT HOME GAMES will only go so far.
CB (1)
Wow, I get to pick Awwwwww-burn’s season???....I’ll be honest, this is like Arnold running up an escalator in Total Recall … he (WarEagle) is running with full steam, throwing everyone else out of the way, … but eventually you have to face your destiny … someone’s gonna get you man … sucks to have a price on your head….
ML (1)
TT’s boys have won 16-17 SEC games, an impressive feat. However, they drop KY and host UF, which should make things a bit tougher. Brandon Cox is back, and by the end of the year he was solid, if not spectacular. He enjoys the company of Kenny Irons in the backfield, who is a bona fide beast. This is a good thing when you consider that Cox lost all of his receiving targets, and we all know that Cox need willing and capable receivers.
EGM (1)
Crazy eh?
CB (2)
I feel bad ripping on folks who are just getting back from hurricane Katrina, but should we really be hampered by such obstacles??? …. I think NOT… it is terrible what they went through, but it is worse to know that we (regular college football fans) should act like they are given’ such a leeway…. When LSU comes to the Swamp…they had better bring their contraceptives … cause they are gonna get FUCKED…
ML (2)
When I see Les Miles, I can’t help but think of the Zooker. They both have that clueless look about them. Even though he smacked the feeder bands out of the Hurricanes in the Peach Bowl, it was a senior-laden squad and I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. JarJarMarcus will be the starter on opening day, but Whitey Flynn and the Black Cajun are waiting in the wings. They have a slew of running backs to help out, and an experienced receiving corps. The Tigers defense lost a lot of talent to the NFL, and they are hoping their reinforcements are stronger than
EGM (6)
Yikes, the Bulldogs are terrible. Why did Croom come here again? I know he’s black and he’s a black coach in the SEC, but seriously, was winning or recruiting ever factored into this deal? There is nothing good to say about this team.
CB (5)
Wow, this is getting to the point where we are supposed to suggest how the second biggest redenecks in the conference are going to perform?.... something tells me its going to consist of lots of inter-family sex … I have to tell you, I am uncomfortable… weirdos..
ML (6)
Ok….I had to start drinking to write about this team. They ooze shittiness. The town is shitty, the school is shitty, the fans are shitty, and the team is shitty. I don’t think there are any bars within 45 miles of campus. There is just something fundamentally wrong with that. They do have a good mascot, but even Uga overshadows it. They just can’t buy a break. Supposedly, their defense is a strength, but that is not saying much since their offense was shut out twice in SEC competition and under 10 points four other times. They did manage to win the Golden Egg, I guess that’s a plus.
OLE MISS REBELS
EGM (5)
Equally as bad as MSU but at least they have ONE good player: Patrick Willis. That guy will knock your fucking head off man! Other than that, they just have an angry coach and a reprobate, scat-QB.
CB (6)
What can I say?...you beat UF two years in a row, and still made nothing of yourself…I’m totally embarrassed. Where’s Eli? … Probably on my NFL fantasy team… Good luck D-bags….
ML (5)
I found out that Ole Piss has retired Colonel Reb to appease the PC gods, which makes me hate them even more. I like 3 things about this team, their Uniforms, their female students, and watching Lou Ferrigno, I mean Al Orgeron stomp around on the sidelines. Other than that, I hate them. I hate their J Crew wearing, Harvuhd of the South, the Grove is beautiful, phony friendliness. Oh yea, their team sucks too
Eastern Division
EGM (1)
I don’t know why I’m picking UF #1. Maybe it’s a hunch. Maybe it’s the fact we have the best defense in the league and top 5 in the country. Maybe it’s a four year starter at QB and a number one recruiting class chock full of skill guys. What makes me nervous: 1) sketch O-Line (35 sacks last year); 2) no RB’s; and 3) Meyer’s determination to MAKE the spread offense work.
The honeymoon is over folks, its time for Meyer and the gang to put up or shut up. The whole situation revolves around UF’s success against the West. Look at Spurdog’s record against those characters, its ridiculous, his win percentage is over .850! It’s all about beating the West. You could almost call it a….JIHAD!
CB (1)
So here we are…. You are going to expect me to suck UF’s crank right? … We’ll, you’re right … WE have the QB …. WE have the coach … he WILL adjust his OFFENSE … if I were an opposing defensive coordinator, I would be shitting my pants… good luck Spur-dawg…whom I hate now….
ML (1)
Everyone is saying that the second year is the year Urban takes it to the next level, and I hope they are right, but if you look at his prior stops, his first year was pretty damn good, too. I expect the Gators to be better, although it might not translate into a better record. Urban continues to have a hair up his ass about our run game, and I am unsold on Chris Leak. I just don’t see him stepping up in the pocket to take a big hit and deliver a 3rd down completion. Furthermore, he looks like a freaking lizard with those weird eyes. I don’t trust anyone who could easily star in a re-release of the Sci-Fi series “V”. If I were gay enough to have a pet canary, I know I wouldn’t leave Mr. Leak alone with it. The obvious strength is the defense, especially the front 7, where we are 2-deep on the front line. Unfortunately, at LB, that depth ends after Siler and Everett. I still don’t know what to think about the Secondary, as we lost a lot to graduation (Vernell Brown) and crack-headedness (Atkins & Webb). 4/5ths of the O-line is gone, but with the way they played last year, that might not be a bad thing. Hopefully a running back not named Latsko will emerge.
EGM (3)
What will Cuz Bailey do? The Shocker is no longer. We now move to the JT III era. Sounds scary doesn’t it…or maybe not. If anyone watched this jerkwater play last year they know he sucks and has no ability to throw the ball downfield. Good thing Richt is a good coach and will hand the ball off 45 times a game to avoid any thoughts of QB controversy…that is until they lose to UT and UF. Then simultaneously we start the Matt Stafford Era and the “Matt
CB (2)
Aright, alright…I understand UGA is a big deal, well… I hope yall have some hick or hillbilly to tell …wow I am still watching Total Recall…. Man … I’m looking at deformed broads with this show … Makes sense since I’m talking about UGA.
ML (3)
UGA, and their teetotaling president, Michael Adams have teamed up with Bernie Machenininajad to drive booze into the sea. Apparently, being known as a “party” school is looked down among those who “summer” at the
EGM (5)
KY is about to get lubed up…AGAIN. Thank god basketball season is on the way…oh wait, they aren’t that good anymore. Thank god they have the master of the ten year rebuilding operation Rich Brooks. Great guy…hell of guy…
CB (5)
Wow, why would I ever care about
ML (5)
Jeez, talk about a bogus team, on just about every level. It’s sad when the only known personality in your football program is Rich Brooks. Not only does it mean he’s your coach; it means you have a heaping pile of shit playing on the field. Shitty coach + no talent = looking forward to Hoops.
EGM (4)
Watching Spurdog put UF out of the SEC Championship game was like a nightmare where your mom kills everyone in the house one-by-one, starting with dog, then finally when she gets to you, she asks you to fire up the grill and you know what’s for dinner. Yeah, that sick, really. The Cocks didn’t get much better in the offseason but they still have ultra-slithery Sidney Rice to tear apart defenses and the easiest road schedule outside of Plainsville. This team could contend or win three games…I haven’t decided yet, that’s why I put them ahead of the two shitheads and behind teams with superior talent. Do you think a membership to Augusta National is worth back to back Independence Bowl performances?
CB (3)
So how am I suppose to feel? “Happy that Spurrier did well”? … “Content that we didn’t defeat OUR savior?” … I’ll tell you how I feel…I hate Spurrier …he won us so many Championships … etc … Wins and so forth …. But once you become a coach of the enemy … you become THE ENEMY …
ML (4)
Well, at least the Gators got losing to Spur-Dawg out of the way early. Hopefully, the Cocks will revert back to form and shrink at the sight of the swamp like George Costanza post-swim. Only 10 starters return. However, one of them is man-child Sidney Rice, who made Dee Webb his bitch last year. The key is finding someone who can get him the ball. Blake Mitchell is trying to hold off Cade Thompson, who is trying to follow in Cade “I stole Tim Couch’s GF” McNown’s footsteps. Maybe it was the other way around. Anyway, they are both out of the NFL, and Cade Thompson will never be there. However, Thompson is from the same hometown as UF’s 3-point gunslinger Lee Humphrey, so he has that going for him.
EGM (2)
This team is downright scary despite their scary bad record last year. Cutcliffe brings his 230lbs of Iso/Sprint-Draw/WR Screen calling madness into the mix this year and that is truly what should scare everyone else. I mean this guy made AJ fucking Suggs look good. He should be the one doing TV Ads for Crones diseases pills and shit. UT is mega light on the D-Line and O-Line and that combined with the complete insanity of Eric Ainge will have Vol fans calling for Fulmer’s head.
CB (4)
Smokey, while a nice dog, eats his own shit … I hate UT with a passion … I just wish that every fan could feel the way that Joey Kent felt after he got bitch slapped in 95 … I hope he had an insurance policy…
ML (2)
I have good news for Vols fans; David Cutcliffe is back! He has recovered from his heart exploding a few years ago, and left Chubby Charlie Weis for Phat Phil Phulmer. However, his return must be bittersweet for the Vol Navy. C-cliffe can coach QBs, and he might make Danny Ainge’s nephew a player, he will even have some fitness tips for Phil. I think most cardiologists frown on the 12-egg breakfast, 3 bacon cheeseburger lunch, 15 pulled-pork sandwich for dinner regimen that Phil is currently on. If Cutcliffe successfully convinces him to cut that intake in half, it means at least 10 more years of the Great Pumpkin on the sideline. The key to the Vols is for Ainge to improve upon his 45% (Yikes!) completion percentage. Ainge is saying he thinks the team has confidence in him, which means of course, that they don’t. All-Freshman RB Arian Foster returns and should prove his supremacy on the field this year.
VANDERBILT COMMODORES
EGM (6)
Well, they lost their best player who threw it to their two other best players. That probably isn’t good. They should probably have an athletic department too. What a trainwreck that these fucks are in the SEC.
CB (6)
Without Jay Cutler, we are talking about another smart guy situation … I can’t believe that Jay fooled us … He pretended to be smart (not scary), but he ended up almost screwing us (scary) … I hate him …trust me, it would take 10 Cutler’s for Vandy to be good this year…
ML (6)
I remember all the talk about how Vandy was going to make a bowl last year behind their top QB Cutler. Unfortunately, he has come and gone, and their chances for making a bowl in my lifetime evaporated when JC and his Beatles haircut left town. At least you guys are “smart.” However, I have never met a girl who went to Vandy that I would classify as remotely good-looking.
Predicted Standings
East
Cuzzin Bailey Malt Licker El Gran Mono
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6. Vanderbilt 6. Vanderbilt 6. Vanderbilt
West
1. Auburn 1. Auburn 1. LSU
2. LSU 2. LSU 2.
3.
4.
5.
6. Ole Miss 6.
If you wish to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, make a comment or be added to the mailing list, please send an email to bourbonboyspicks@yahoo.com.
2005 Records:
Standings W L %
El Gran Mono 80 24 77
Cuzzin’ Bailey 78 26 75
Malt Licker 74 30 71
Guest Total 4 3 57
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