Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week I

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Ohhhhhh man I cannot wait for this season to start … I have been reading up on one team in particular, and I must say … I drank the Kool-aid ... I mean I have finished off the bowl yall … Now, I may be totally off the fucking wall, but I think UF’s offense is going to be sick as fuck … fast mother effing receivers, solid defense, and of course four year starter Chris Leak…I just really hope the coaches molded the schemes around his capabilities like they said they would. Anyways, enough about the Gators…I think I should mention a couple other pretty important games and teams this week…the Cocks are opening up their SEC schedule immediately by playing both bulldog teams in the first two weeks and that’s pretty admirable … I hope they lose both … Vandy is Michigan’s bitch team this week, Go Blue; and Cal is in for a culture shock when they travel to the hills of Tennessee ... gosh I love this time of year … the expectations are high for everyone, this is the time when all is well in Sportsland. Tennessee hasn’t lost yet so they have nothing to bitch about, the folks in Stark-Vegas seem to forget for just a second that they are no-brained redneck losers who have more illegitimate children than they do teeth…the boys from Ole Miss are getting their hair just right, and the khakis being pressed as we speak…yes, this is College Football season …

Malt Licker

It is a bittersweet time. Football is upon us, and that is grand, however it means more work for the overworked Malt Licker. Between working and looking for a career, football blurbs aren’t a high priority. Especially pre-SEC, when I have to write a dozen goddamn entries. I will now stop bitching and start picking.

El Gran Mono

Finally its time for some football and there are actually some decent matchups here in Week I. However, picking against the spread without any previous games to judge from may prove be a serious task. How will the SEC fair against the incredibly offensive Pac-10? How will Georgia make it through the first game without uttering JT III for Heisman? These are the questions that I ask myself in the middle of the night. If anyone is looking for a douchebag convention to attend, it is being held at the Orange Bowl in Miami, Florida and starting at about 8 PM on Monday night. Shitty people, shitty stadium, shitty town…sounds like a…SHITTY TIME! Let’s get it on…

Thursday, August 31, 2006

South Carolina at Mississippi State (+6.5)

CB

We are picking against the spread this year, so be prepared for a long year of me screwing up … I might as well start with a pretty tough game right? USC had a phenomenal season last year … capped off with an all time choke job by my ex-favorite head coach…Spur-dick gets to travel to land of nightmare losses past...Starkvull. He lost there twice in his tenure as UF’s coach so hopefully for those of us who hate him now, he will continue the trend. The Cocks’ QB is as big a redneck as Spurrier so I’m sure they get along just fine … I can’t imagine that Coach Croom has done anything to bring MSU from the depths of the SEC hell … this one shouldn’t be close, but then again it’s the first game of the year … Still, I like Spurrier’s offense … and when I say “like” I mean I think they are good, I actually hate them…

USC 32

MSU 20

ML

The Ol’ Ball Coach has never won in Stark-Vegas, and I hope that trend continues. I seriously wonder the point of a night game in Starkville. They have no bars. I didn’t even see a package store within 30 miles of that cow town. I wonder if the toothless hick I dubbed “Chompers” who worked at the Waffle House in Irondale is still alive, and if so, if he has managed to score some falsies. If not, he’ll definitely need some subtitles. Unfortunately for Croom, Spur-Dawg could be deaf and blind and still out coach Sly.

Chickens 28

Losers 11

EGM

Miss State is terrible, even if their coach is black, and a black coach in the SEC. As I read more about their team, the worse they look. Specifically, the Bulldogs have no offense whatsoever and the people who live in Starkville and the surrounding area have no place to drink their offensive sorrows away. Sounds like a fucked up situation to me. The MSU defense isn’t great and isn’t terrible, which is kinda like being a bisexual dude. You kinda like chicks, but you still like dicks. The Cocks have Sidney Rice and Spurdog. This fact should add about 21 points to the scoreboard alone.

Cockmasters 28

Worse than last year? 13

Saturday, September 2, 2006

Vanderbilt at Michigan (-25.5)

CB

This is the time when huge lines are going to effect how one would pick this game. Vandy theoretically should get the shit kicked out of them. Therefore I will go with the line … but that is a pretty big line so maybe Michigan’s defense won’t be able to stop the Commodo….haha I couldn’t even finish that sentence … Vander-smart is without their personal Jesus, Jay Cutler … that guy was an anomaly so their days of them being competitive are totally over … the Wolverines are going to mirror the Wolverines from that movie Red Dawn…you know kicking the shit out of Russians and Cubans with Guerilla like tactics … wait …

Vandy 10

Mee-chigan 42

ML

Oh wow!!!!!!!!! Look at us, we’re Vandy!!!!!! We play really tough non-conference games!!!!! Not like anyone will care, we all know how important it is to get a “good start” in undergrad. We wouldn’t want to fall behind in Organic Chem. I wonder if the University of Michigan will give Vandy “extra points” because of their intellectual diversity. Lord knows they’ll need it

Down with the Dores! 10

Down with Grutter! 31

EGM

The Doremats essentially lost their entire offense when Jay “My Dad Got His Ass Kicked at Florida Field” Cutler graduated. Other than having six starters back on both sides of the ball and having the highest GPA in the SEC I don’t know what to say about Vandy. Michigan brought a terrible defense and a spastic running game to the table last year and essentially don’t look much different this year outside the fact Mike “Small, Fast Dude” Hart looks healthy. I have no doubt that Michigan will win this game but giving 25+ points to a major conference team is like trying to paddle up a waterfall.

Doremats of the Average Big Ten 20

Lloyd Carr’s Last Season 42

Western Kentucky at Georgia (No Line)

CB

So UGA is playing the Hilltoppers as their opening joke game … the fact that there is no line just reiterates that this one won’t be competitive and is not really worth talking about. I’m sure if this were being played on the hard-court it would be more interesting … well not to me … but to some people … I guess…anyways its time for all yall classy rednecks to get on your best church-going outfits (for the guys) and clubbin’ clothes for the ladies and hightail it over to Sanford Stadium for this year’s inaugural asskicking…

WKrp 13

Jawga 50

ML

Umm…no line, what do we do? I guess we just have to pick who will win. Gee, I fucking wonder. The object of Verne Lundquist’s man-crush is at the helm for the Dawgs this week. I hope he plays well enough to stay in, but not well enough to allow for a blowout, thus allowing Southern Haired Stafford to hone his skills.

Hillfloppers 6

We have a Polish General 34

EGM

The Hilltoppers have a cool name but that still doesn’t make them D-IA caliber. Georgia has a bunch of students who where preppy clothes but that doesn’t make them not rednecks.

Paycheck U 3

We hate gold chains and class 56

California at Tennessee (-2)

CB

As I mentioned before, its going to be really funny to see how the hippies from California react to the backwoods bumpkins at this game. But aside from the shear comedy of the clashing cultures, there might actually be a good game here somewhere…I mean while UT may be going through a transitional phase right now, they are still studs from the SEC and while Cal may be the flavor of the month for some, they are still PAC-10 pussies. I am happy to see two of our conferences featherweights taking on the supposed badasses of the Left coast this week….now I just hope they don’t blow it …

Golden shower Bears 22

UT 25

ML

I’m sorry, but I’m not buying Cal going into Neyland and whipping up on the Vols. I see the Vols coming out strong this week, setting up a huge matchup 3 weeks from now. Do you think any douchebags from Berkeley would even lower themselves to travel to Tennessee? It wouldn’t matter because there will be 110,000 orange-clad red-staters rooting like hell for their beloved Vols.

Berkeley/Pyongyang Bears 10

Red State Vols 24

EGM

The Vols look to change their luck after having an abortion of a season last year, including a loss to Vanderbilt. While Fulmer usually wastes some of the best talent in America by suggesting they eat their way to the top, Cutcliffe is back and he usually regards practice and playing your best players as a key to winning. It’s always hard to judge the PAC-10 because they usually start their games at about 2 AM eastern time and have a treaty amongst their teams that prohibit them from playing defense against each other. Cal features a power running attack and some surprising defensive line talent but they will match up against one of the most talented teams in the country at stopping the run and running the football in UT. I just see the redneckishness of Rocky Top intimidating the Berkeley Bluestaters to the point where they fall apart.

Vegetarian Bears 13

Shit Eating Dogs 20

Southern Miss at Florida (-20)

CB
Is this not what you all have been waiting for? I can’t express how excited I am right now… just think I a few short days, the Gators will be unleashing their new offense right in the mugs of the Brett Favre’s. I hope Suthun’ Miss follows the example of their Golden boy and gets all hopped up on pills and rifles 3 or 5 picks at 500 MPH a pop… Anyways, Meyer has been spinning this years team to the media and the fans as a unified group that is all on the same page, and ready for challenges that lay ahead…I probably should have used a better word than “spin” … that has kind of a negative connotation nowadays … damnit … anyways, speedy receivers, pimp tight defense … oh yea .. we had to 86 two DBs … two studs too … I hope that was the right decision … I mean I guess it was if they were thugtastic …anyways, opening day in G-ville … I wish I were there, I would probably stay sober too… right … I like the line … I mean USM hasn’t been called the Giant Killers in a long time …

Suthern Favre’s 14 (obligatory…shitty teams always drop a few TDs on us in the first week)

Mighty Gators 48

ML

Brett Fahv-ruh doesn’t play in Hattiesburg anymore. I’ve never been to Hattiesburg, but it sounds like a place that could have used a leveling from a hurricane. If only Starkville were closer to the coast. Meanwhile, the Gators need to find some backup linebackers, or else exclusively implement the Floyd Peters’ 1994 4-2-5 Buccaneers defensive scheme. Every time Brandon Siler and Earl Everett are at the bottom of the pile, I wiw be vewy vewwwwy nervous.

Golden Rain..ahem Eagles 7

Swamp Stampede 38

EGM

The Gators are truly an enigma when it comes to opening games because they usually win easily but still play like shit. Southern Miss doesn’t really have a lot going for them other than a lot of road games and they like to play on Tuesday (what the fuck is that!). Chris Leak must really have a sore wrist because he claimed he wasn’t going to have a girlfriend until the Gators win the SEC. Urban must now prove he is worthy to coach the Orange and Blue…

Road Warriors 7

Home Studs 31

Hawaii at Alabama (-16.5)

CB

I fucking hate Alabama right now … dropping a 40 bomb on us last year still stings .. and being there and getting taunted by little kids and this hickass motherfucker is burned into my memory … oh how I wish we had beaten his ass … I mean if I weren’t concerned with dealing with some backwoods southern sherriff/judge/fry cook at the local Waffle Inn, I’m sure that kid would have been drinking his MoonPies through a straw for the rest of his life … oh yea … I got nuthin against Hawaii … solid move on dropping the “rainbows” from your mascot … yall are twice as manly now …

Hawahu 18

Bamer 32

ML

Jeez, talk about a long ass flight. I’ve never been to Hawaii, and I probably need to find a job or I never will, but I imagine the flight TO Hawaii is a lot more exciting than the flight FROM Hawaii. Imagine being a Hawaii player, you have to be excited about flying to Tuscaloosa to get your ass kicked, and then you won’t be unable to be excited flying back because you did get your ass kicked. To top it all off, your coach is named June.

We have the Gayest nickname…ever 6

We Finally have 85 Scholarship players 27

EGM

Honolulu to Tuscaloosa…talk about culture shock. Bama has the most redneck QB, stud offensive skill players, stud O-Line, and absolutely no defense. Hawaii gives up a lot on the ground and tries to make it up through the air. The losses on Bama’s defense will not result in many stops of the prolific Havaaaeeee passing game.

Rainbow Warriors take it in the ass 28

Bama doesn’t take kindly to guys who take it in the ass 42

Washington State at Auburn (-15)

CB

Another “Used to be Good” opponent this week…I mean I wonder if Wazzou was ever really that decent with Douchebag McGee as their QB … Ryan something … anyways, whatever … Auburn is projected by many to win the SEC this year and with one tough road game at the end of the season, we could be seeing an undefeated War Eagle in the Iron Bowl … but that is a long ways away … they have their first (snicker) “test” this week against this shitbox team…another PAC-10 beauty … I’m not sure if 15 is too big of a line, but I think I’m gonna go with it … and I recommend all of you do the same …

Wash out ST 14

Auburn 42

ML

The Cougars are a mediocre team from the PAC 10. The Tigers/plainsmen/war eagle/teetotalers are one of the top teams in the SEC. The PAC 10 sucks, the SEC Rules. The SEC team will win. This is your brain on drugs, any questions?

Wazzooooooo 10

Au-barn 34

EGM

AWWWWWBUUUUN is everybody’s favorite to go the BCS Championship game this year just because they got ripped off two years ago. That really doesn’t make much since to me. Their team is excellent, I just don’t think playing in the SEC will result in another undefeated season, especially dropping Kentucky for a matchup against the Gators. Their team is loaded on both offense and defense but they still have yet to beat someone when they didn’t run the ball effectively and relied on Brandon Cox (see last year vs. Ga Tech). Wash State always has a stud offense with a stud JUCO tailback and a couple of second round draft choices playing receiver. The problem is that they can’t stop anyone and when you are playing against Kenny Irons at JERDAN HARE STADIUM its tough to win when you can’t stop the Plainsmen.

Pac-10 Defense 21

SEC Offense 42

Louisiana-Lafayette at LSU (-30.5)

CB

How inappropriate would it be to make a hurricane joke right now? … I’m thinking very, but I mean, its not fair damnit!! Florida has ‘canes all the time ... anyways, I will try and avoid such a sensitive subject and return the important discussion on how this is going to be a good game and its very noble of both of these teams to comeback from such a devastating year blah blah blah blah … This game sucks … and frankly so do all the fans …

Louie-anna Laf 7

LSU 45

ML

Wow…what a bitter inter-state rivalry. A closer competition would be how many players had their homes wiped out by hurricanes last year.

Ragin Cajuns? 9

LSUUUUUUUUUUU 38

EGM

It appears as though La-Directional hasn’t scored on LSU in a very long time and they play quite frequently. Even a Gungan can’t fuck up a situation like that. I predict three tailbacks over 100 yds, two qb’s over 150 yds and a LaRon (a cool jived up version of just plain “Ron”) Landry caused death. Oh, did you hear Katrina was a year ago? Boo hoo, buck up, its time for some football, put down your hammer and nails…

Rajun Shitty Cajuns 3

Talented Shitty Cajuns 56

Southern California at Arkansas (+9)

CB

I am overly impressed with Arkansas’ scheduling of this team…I still hate their d-bag coach whose crank everyone seems love sucking … anyways, … part of me is under the impression that the SEC is super strong and there is no way the Razorbacks could lose to a team that was gutted from last year’s “second best team”…the other part of me believes that Pete Carroll must have anticipated his stars leaving and therefore prepared by stocking up on 700 SAT fuckers … anyways, I’m sure the Razorbacks will blow it, like the Malt Licker wants to blow Houston Nutt… <

SC 31

Arkansawr 20

ML

John David Booty is playing football in the wrong conference. He definitely needs to transfer. USC lost 68 combined TDs from Bush, Leinart, and White. That is almost twice as many TDs as all of Arkansas’ top players combined. No wonder they won 70-17 last year. It would be nice for my man Nutt if McFadden didn’t think he was auditioning for a role in Road House 2 this summer.

Patrick Swayze is a small fish in LA 34

Don Swayze would be big time in Fayetteville 13

EGM

Phil Steele loves Arkansas just a little too much for me but I do think they are going to be a lot better than last year. Something tells me the Nutt doesn’t want to get booted out of conference that is Taylor Made for him. Arkansas returns a sick amount of starters, the #1 QB recruit and a stud RB who likes to kick people even though being restrained. It looks like McFadden is definitely going to play but what this game really revolves around is Arkansas ability to pass against a very green USC secondary. USC is fucking loaded with talent especially at LB and WR. The problem is that they also lost a ton of experienced talent including two of the most prolific players in NCAA history. I just don’t see a USC team that is incredibly green on both sides of the football marching into Fayetteville and getting a W. I’m taking Arkansas straight up! WOOO PIG SUEY

Dude, I hate flyover country 21

Welcome to the SEC bitch! 24

Sunday, September 3. 2006

Memphis at Ole Miss (-3)

>Memphis State travels like an hour down to Oxford … I hope those “folks” from Memphrica realize that they are heading from the dirty south to the Uber-Preppy south…long faggot hair, pressed khakis, New Balance shoes and blazers … smoking hot skanks … man, that last part doesn’t sound too bad I guess, but there are too many southern prep kids where I live and this ain’t exactly Oxfud Missussippi…I would want to kill myself if I had to deal with that shit x10,000….anyways, Memphis blows, Ole Miss apparently still doesn’t have a mascot … this is just too shitty for me to think about…

Memphis 17

Mess 21

ML

Jesus, what a crap game this is…I can’t name one guy from Memphis. DeAngelo Williams graduated and will be drafted in Fantasy Leagues by guys that think kick returns happen a lot in the NFL. Ole Miss…well big Al will be stomping around like a maniac during this shit-fest

Memphis STATE!!! 15

Ole Piss 13

EGM

I really have no idea what to expect from either of these teams. Memphis returns a ton of starters but not DeAngelo Williams, which is sort of like the Greeks fighting a battle without Achilles. Ole Miss got their hands on run-most-of-the-time Shaeffer who should replace Michael “I only run the football” Spurlock quite well. As they say at EDSBS, “the Orgeron” is a fucking complete maniac and looked like he was about to kill someone during this game. The motivation of impending death and some dude name “BenJarvus” will result in an easy win for the Rebs.

Memfrica 10

I already miss “the Rebel” 24

Kentucky at Louisville (-22.5)

Wow, I think I am getting writers block … either that or I just don’t give a fuck about this game … Louisville is probably great, Kentucky is lining up to be as shitty as they generally are … there’s a fucking surprise … judging by the line on this game, I think it could get pretty ugly pretty quick for the Mildcats …

Kentucky 18

Louisville 35

ML

The only way this game would be remotely interesting is if Tubby Smith and Ricky Pitino had “Feats of Strength” at halftime.

MildKats 14

Louleville 28

EGM

Louisville seems like a lock to kick some serious ass in this game strictly because they are loaded on offense with Brohm and Bush. However, Kentucky is not that bad on offense either and their defense is equally as bad as Louisville. Louisville will be eager to score a ton of points as Petrino loves to destroy lines but Kentucky is gonna score enough points to keep this sucker less than 22 points. Rafael Little will return either a kickoff or a punt for a score in this game.

Shitty but not -22.5 shitty 21

Good offense, shitty defense 42

Monday, September 3, 2006

Florida State at Miami (-3)

Time for my annual story about how I hope the earth opens up and that anyone who has a stake in game gets sucked into the bowels of hell… same old story…throw the records out for this game (easy since this is their first game of the season) … the shit talking has already started from the FSU side … their perennially psychotic defense will be stacked as usual, and their QB has a (shitty) year under his belt already. Wetherford … or how ever you spell better hope that his awful ability takes a break for this game or we may be looking at another 10 to 7 barnburner… Coker suspended some players for this game … like some good players … that will probably means they will probably lose … good job coach … moron….

FSU 15

Miami 14

ML

It seems like it is a recent tradition that some sort of “hurricanic” activity threatens to delay or postpone this game. It has been a good few years for actual hurricanes, and not so great for the metaphoric Hurricanes. However, despite the recent UM slump, they always seem to come out on top against the Noles whenever talent is equal, especially at the “venerable” Orange Bowl. Talent is equal this year. Holy shit! I just read that Drew Weatherford is a descendant of William Wallace! All bets are off

FREEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! 16

NUNCAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! 14

EGM

The Cokeheads have one of the best defenses in the country and one of the most overrated QB’s in the country. The Semenholes lost a ton on defense and have an idiot for an offensive coordinator. The Orange Bowl is a shitty stadium with shitty fans and this will be the only game there this year that will be a sell out. Huh, “sell-out”, that’s how I would describe most Miami fans…very interesting. FSU is fucking snakebit STILL and I look for Miami to cover the three strictly because of that; however, if this game moves to 3.5, I would stay the fuck away from it like it was a spitting cobra.

Jeff Bowden is still wasting talent! 10

Kyle Wright still sucks! 17

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