Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week I - Full Opening Week Edition

Malt Licker

The long scandal-filled offseason is finally over, and by the time you read this you may have already watched your first college football game. Days like today make me wish I were still in college. Actually, any day of the week that ends in “-day” make me wish I were still in college. However, all is not lost, as in approximately 33 hours I will be pretending I’m in college while getting housed in Gainesville, or as one friend has dubbed it, “the Hollywood of the East Coast.” This season begins with many questions. Will the Gators defend their SEC and National titles? Will the Malt Licker defend his Bourbon Boys Picks title? Will Cuzzin’ Bailey get a job? All this will be answered in the next several months. Until then, enjoy my clever anecdotes and insightful picks.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Good lord … has it seemed like forever to yall? … I have been itching to be back in the realm of College Football. I can’t lie to my loyal readers … I have been drinking so please ignore my ramblings … but it brings a damn tear to my eye when I realize that the Gators and the rest of the teams are fixing to start the new season off in a few shorts days (hours) … WE did in fact win The National Championship last year and that can do nothing but make life sweeter … sure we’re not the same team … sure our defense is depleted … but that isn’t on my mind … my legs are shakin’ my pulse is racin’ … it is time to get up off your feet and thank God that He has blessed us with other glorious season … I’m gonna talk extemporaneously for a few seconds if you don’t mind … Now that I no longer find myself burdened with the need to appease an outside presence, I feel that this clarity will provide me with the ability to regain the picks title …

El Gran Mono

It’s finally September and the weeks of no football are over. Crack open the Maker’s Mark and Busch Light because its time for SEC football. Last year, I did not defend my picks crown with honor. I feel that my angst concerning the Internet Gambling ban affected my attitude towards ATS picks. Well, that’s all over now and the gloves are officially off. My fellow pickers beware. I lack permanent employment and do not have limitless golf haunting my spare time. And if you didn’t hear, THE FLORIDA GATORS kicked some Ohio State ass for the National Championship…TWICE. Despite not being picked as our game of week, I’d like to welcome in the non-Reggie Ball era of Georgia Tech football by predicting the blitzing, non-cracktastic QB having Yellow Jackets to beat up on the Domers – 28-10. I dedicate my picks to The Phil Ace Show and his bachelor party weekend – bring on the games and the picks!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Western Kentucky @ Florida (NL), 12:30

ML

Thank you Lincoln Financial! I’ve always wanted to die while at a football game. Given my custom on trips to Gville. Death via heat stroke is certainly possible. I will be drinking heavily Friday, sleeping little, and then waking up early to drink some more. Mix in a heat index of 110 degrees and my sweat hog tendencies, and this could be the last time you all get to read me. Dry your tears though, it’s TEBOW TIME!

Hilltoppers 3

Millhoppers 60

CB

I love Florida … I’m just gonna say it so there isn’t any misunderstanding … I’m not gonna write about this game cause frankly I don’t know anything abut the Hilltoppers … I mean I assume they have gorgeous blonde honeys …But that’s where my so-called knowledge ends … I do know this … Meyer is still worried about the Gators D … that is def a cause for concern for the season, but certainly not in this game … No need to worry about this one … But while we’re not on the subject, as my esteemed colleague aka El Gran Mono believes, we have no business playing these craptastic teams anymore … I am inclined to agree … now that we have the 12^th game, and at least 6 home games, that its time to get some real competition in at least one of these slots … as long as its later in the year as far as I’m concerned …

Hilltoppahs 9

God’s Team 55

EGM

There is no better way to open a National Championship defense then with a Sun Belt foe. Well, actually there is, but we NEED seven home games. I remember when we only needed six. I’m not buying it. This game is going to get ugly very quick.

Hilltoppin’ our asses back to KY 6

Tebow like cupcakes 56

Ole Miss @ Memphis (+2.5), 3:30

ML

This is quite a tradition. Ole Piss v. Memphis State. Yes, they will always be Memphis State. Best known as the school Bill Walton shot 21-23 against in the NCAA final. Ole Piss is best known as the school that had a shit-fit when James Meredith tried to integrate, and the home of Archie and Eli Manning. Unfortunately, those are the only two respectable QBs in the history of this “institution.”

Orgerons 16

Memfrikaners 19

CB

Hooray … the old Ole Mess/Memphrica match up … I am so glad this game is in the mix every year at this time … I mean I sit at home waiting for this game every off season … I’m kidding of course … Seriously … Pick any two other teams in the college football world and I guaran-damn-tee that I would be more interested in that match-up … oh well … shit .. I’m just gonna guess on this one as I do every time …

Rebs 23

Anti-Rebs 20

EGM

An actual competitive game on Week One. Crazy. The Orgeron takes his Visigoths into Memphis well knowing if he does not sack the already downtrodden city that his coaching career at William Faulkner U could be finished. The Rebs don’t appear to be any better this year but “Baby Vick” Schaeffer won’t be starting so that’s a plus. They also feature a guy named BenJarvus. I like Ben…I like Jarvus…why not BENJARVUS!

No Schaeffer = Win 24

Memphis State U 20

Eastern Kentucky @ Kentucky (NL), 6

ML

Man, you must really suck if you can’t get a line against Ky. I can’t believe I’m forced to predict scores in a blog involving three teams from Kentucky. Pass the Bourbon.

Redneck Moonshine 10

Real Bourbon 31

CB

Kentucky in a No Line game … the Apocalypse is on … I’m gonna go on a limb here cause that’s what I do …

We’re Worse than Western 12

Better than Both 40

EGM

I wonder if the Eastern KY Colonels are named after Colonel Sanders!

“Where students and learning come FIRST” 13

“Where basketball comes FIRST!” 55

Oklahoma State @ Georgia (-6.5), 6:45

ML

I must admit, I know next to nothing about Oklahoma State. Is Rashaun Woods still playing for them? I know everyone loves this dude Stafford, and he seems to have a good arm. Unfortunately, to be a successful passer, you need to have an offensive line and receivers who can actually catch. It’s science.

Not the Dallas Cowboys 17

Not the Miss. St. Bulldogs 31

CB

A real game … the first of three this week … however … I still can’t muster up a care in this world … I’m real proud of UGA to be playin’ a pseudo real team … esp one that warrants such a close spread … but for me to pick this properly I would have to know something about the Cowboys … and alas I do not … The Dawgs are favored … I’m a huge fan of early season spreads cause the nerds that put those together probably read up on something … by the way, I still hate jawga … but not as much as the jack ass Seminoles … one bad thing about living in FL …

Okie State 22

We Wear Jean Shorts TOO 27

EGM

Georgia also opens with a respectable opponent in Week One. The Cowboys are quite talented offensively and should put up some points. However, their defense is quite crappy and gives up yards through the air and on the ground. Georgia should be able to score at will if their receivers stop playing hot potato. Stafford really progressed at the end of last season and will no doubt have a head full of Southern hair dangling into his eyes. Once Oklahoma State is forced to pass, I expect the Dawgs to jump all over them like they were a hot Savannah blonde in black stretch pants.

Above average Big 12 team 24

Above average SEC team 34

Western Carolina @ Alabama (NL), 7

ML

The Chanticleers...actually...its not the Chanticleers, that is Coastal Carolina. I really wanted this to be the Chanticleers. This tells you all you need to know about West Carolina....On the front page of the school’s website is another school’s football coach. Paul Johnson, head coach of Navy and Physical Education degree holder from this esteemed school in Cullowhee, North Carolina.

Worse than Navy 6

Satan’s a liar 27

CB

What do you want me to say? I’m happy that Saban proved he is no better than Spurrier by moving onto a rival of his old team? … Not really … I actually hate him … not cause of this move per say … but just cause folks think (esp the 90,000+ who went to the Bama Spring game) that this will automatically legitimize them … I mean as a future recruit of the Tide, aren’t you concerned that Nick is gonna bolt for the next big contract that is shoved down his throat? … I mean the guy couldn’t win with a hurt Dante Culpepper … how good could he possibly be? …

Where is West Carolina? In Georgia? 0

Prothro’s Sugar Daddy 37

EGM

Western Carolina - “A whole new world of opportunities, adventure, and friendship”… and unprotected sex with people who didn’t get into UNC.

Catamounts 0

Satan is back 52

Troy @ Arkansas (-23.5), 7

ML

Can the trojans give this Nutt a scare? Is there any doubt all 3 prognosticators will reference testicles and prophylactics?

Queers of Troy 6

Hawgs 17

CB

Gators are playing them next week? … Oh … As I was saying … Kudos to Some what-Kansas to schedule such a titan … The Men of Troy gave FSU a “run” for their money last year … funny all the Razorbacks do is “run” … should be fun … and by fun I mean shitty

Trojans were gay 13

McFadden isn’t just a bar 35

EGM

Arkansas also went outside the box by scheduling a Week One opponent who is neither D-IAA nor emerging from D-IAA. I’m betting on McFadden, Jones and Hillis running over Troy like Achilles running over Hector. Very little throwing…

Back to Asia Minor 10

Nuttin’ some Trojans 41

Richmond @ Vanderbilt (NL), 7

ML

Bad news for the Spiders. It’s way too early in the academic calendar to even have a quiz. Maybe some of the Vanderdorks have Chem lab or something.

Itsy Bitsy Score 6

High Marks 41

CB

Excuse me what? … Vandy is graced with a no liner? … fuck this noise … I don’t hate the Spiders, just certain folks who went there … like this intern that blew me off … what? … Wait, was that out loud? …

Sneaky Spider Bastards 13

Vandee 20 x pi

EGM

After going to the University of Richmond website and searching the “Experience Richmond” section, I’ve decided that everybody is actually trying to get the fuck OUT of Richmond. The top three featured “experiences” are as follows: 1) Easter Island Research Project; 2) Extreme learning – learn “outside” the classroom; and 3) China Study Abroad. It’s too bad this D-IAA school won’t count as a bowl eligible win…so sorry, another year without a bowl game for the Doremats.

Spidermen 6

Chris Nickson TDs 7

Louisiana-Lafayette @ South Carolina (NL), 7

ML

Steve v. Lou-La….Click Clack Click Clack!!!! SpurDog needs to worry about his boozehound QB and his penchant for drunken shenanigans. Maybe he should have his wife talk to Blakey. I hear she’s had to deal with a drunken QB a time or two in her day.

Make les marquis proud 2

Cock clack Cock Clack 33

CB

Jesus!!! … another shit box SEC team with an NL? … Spur-dawg has another suspended player … was this another shithead that he promised a scholarship if he could tie his shoes? …

L-LAY 17

USC 39

EGM

What will South Carolina do without Phil Petty? Oops, I mean Blake Mitchell.

My guess: Win.

Ragin’ does not mean good 10

Drawin’ up ballplays 56

Kansas State @ Auburn (-13.5), 7:45

ML

When is K-State going to get back to the days of openly cheating, recruiting steroid-bred freaks from the 13 JUCOs that populate the state, constantly whining about respect, and then getting killed in Bowl Games. I hope Awbarn rips the shit out of them…and I hate Auburn. I should quit my job and tour all the college towns in a select conference each year for a gameday weekend. I wonder what Manhattan Kansas is like.

Awbarn 34

K-State 17

CB

I like the juevos on Auburn to bring in an actual opponent this week … but regardless of the game, I have absolutely no doubt that the referees will make sure that this one goes in favor of WAR DAMN EAGLE … God I hate that….

The other Manhattan 17

Our Wallets are Bigger than Your Population 29

EGM

If Oklahoma State is an above average Big 12 team then Kansas State is average. Additionally, they are absolutely terrible on the road where they lost to Baylor 17-3 last year. I expect Auburn’s defense to totally dominate this game with their stud defensive ends hammering KState QBs on every play. Despite Auburn breaking in a greenish OLine they should be able to run the ball against a soft KState front four. However, if the Plainsmen rely on Brandon Cox, then this one could be a nail-biter.

No more Bill Snyder patsies 9

Very little Cox 23

Tennessee @ California (-6), 8

ML

Game of the week! Can the Bears get revenge against Ainge and a slimmed down Phat Phil? Who cares…the big story here is the clash of cultures about to take place in Berkeley. The dope-smoking, flannel wearing douches will no doubt be horrified at the visions of orange-clad, barbecue stained hicks invading their town. I can already see the condescension emanating from the Bay Area. Tedford and Co. need to win this game if they ever want to make “the leap” to major-program status.

Vawwwlz 22

Bearzzz 20

CB

If all goes according to plan, I will be in the arms of a gorgeous Asian stripper by the time this game kicks off … sorry wrong blog … oh right … here’s an actual game to discuss … too bad I’m spent and I hate the Volunteers … did I ever tell yall that I saw Phat Phil speak one time … he made a crack on the Gators … what a dick … I think he was just pissed that St Pete didn’t supply enough McRibwiches … man that does sound good come to think of it … nevertheless … I can’t wait til the UF UT match up in a few weeks … oh yea … Cal is in California … sweet

Mmmm-McRibwich 23

Left-Coast 21

EGM

The Vols were +3 in this game last year and totally smoked the Berkely libs. I don’t see the result being much different this year. Cal still can’t play defense and UT is better on defense than people think. DeSean Williams and Cal’s offense did jack squat last year with Marshawn Lynch, why would they do any better this year? The PAC-10 is USC and a bunch of all-offense peons. The Vols will invade Berkely and paint it red with blood of Cal’s DBs.

Ainge for Heisman? 31

Pussy ass Bears 17

Non-SEC Game of the Week

Monday, September 3, 2007

Florida State @ Clemson (+3.5), 8

ML

Bowden Bowl. Insert obligatory Bowden inbred joke, rinse, repeat. We’ll see how well F$U’s new offensive staff has fared with this early test. The real key is the Nole$ run defense and how it will fare against CJ Spiller and James Davis. If they can contain those two, they’ll get a nice head start in their quest to unseat…haha….Wake…haha…Forest… as ACC champion. Man, that never gets old.

$cuminole$ 22

Still the worst bowden 16

CB

I am so glad we stopped picking the FSU and Miami games … wait … what the hell is this?? … looks like clash of the Bowdens part fiddy … This actually should be an entertaining game … its in Clemson so that’ll mean that Daddy Bowden will have to pull out all the stops like A) his (patent-pending) “what the hell just happened” look; and B) his put on the headphones “lets act like I’m part of the coaching staff and not brain dead” move … he revamped his offense by sucking off, I mean hiring Joe-Jack Fisher from LSoo … they still have to deal with jabrones like Duh-rew Weatherford and Xavier Lee … Oh yea … I hear Clemzin should be good … they have that running back who’s name escapes me right now … CJ .. something … all I know is that when they were trying to talk him up on TV last week they kept showing the same three runs from last year … two of which were against Army … now I’m not a scientician … but last time I checked Army sucked …

WE Won…No we lost 23

No Dad, We’ll Lose This Time 14

EGM

Bowden Bowl, how exciting? Do you think they’ll show Ann and her dementia created sweater? I just threw up in my mouth. F$U’s defense looks pretty nasty and will be able to stop the run. Clemson’s inexperienced QBs will have to throw to win and they will be facing some serious pressure. It would seem like an F$U ass kicking unless you forget about the lethargy of the Nole$ running game and spastic QB play. I can see Jimbo Fisher having a big improvement in the future but you won’t see the results in one game.

The Curse of Jeff Bowden 10

Death Valley difference 13