Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2008 Week I

El Gran Mono

Football is upon us. Life is good. If you bet with me, then you made money. Damn close to 60% on the picks. That’s why I’m the champ!

Last year, the SEC embarrassed Ohio State AGAIN in the BCS Championship game to once again show that the Big Ten is weak. The SEC looks to be tough again this year with UGA, UF, LSU and Auburn capable of winning it all. Should be fun!

In other news, the fun loving Cuzzin’ Bailey has taken it upon himself to become the third steward of the courts among our jacked and tan SEC prognostication trifecta. Can he balance his schedule of copious Coors Lights drinking with Torts, Contracts and Property? Let the games begin in more than one way.

Malt Licker

Wow….is it finally here? Time flies when you’re living in the richest, oldest, whitest town on the west coast of Florida. That’s right, the Malt Licker is further from Gainesville, and shouldering more responsibility than ever. As such, my free time is limited, which makes me glad the Bourbon Boys decided on a new format. It was a disappointing year for the Gators, despite St. Tebow the Skin Snipper’s Heisman heroics. But a new season is upon us, and I am focused on one thing, revenge!!! Revenge against the Bayou Bengals, revenge against Auburn, and finally…revenege against UGA and its scumbag coach.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well another season of College Football is almost upon us! This year, while I am beyond excited about the Gators and closer to Gaines-burg than I’ve been since I graduated, I will also, ironically, be busier than I guess I have ever been. (Between you and me, I think I’ve studied more in the past week than I ever did at UF). Anyways, as I said I’m so jacked about the Gators this year. Everything this offseason has appeared to fall into place with the exception of losing Cornelius Ingram to a serious ca-nee injury. Meyer is excited about the secondary which is probably just coach-speak, but right now I’m ready to run on a little faith. As I said, exciting season coming up, and with a new format to the picks column, I welcome you all to be a part of it with the ‘Boys…

Thursday, August 28^th, 2008

Vanderbilt @ Miami (OH) (-4), 7:30

CB

I plan on making it a habit of picking the ‘Doremats’ games this year, b/c I don’t think either one of the other Bourbon Boys has anywhere near the distain for this football team. They are perennially horrible (unless they have a diabetes stricken first rounder), and they aren’t even the best school in the conference academically. I say exile these posers and bring in a team that will at least care about winning and losing football games! Hell I’ll bet USF would love to show us what they got week in and week out. Come on Miami (OH), don’t make me eat my words!

Vandy 17

Fmr. Indian Name 22

EGM

Dores 24

Redskins 23

ML

Vandy 20

Miami 24

NC State @ South Carolina (-13), 8

EGM

Is there any bad blood between these "Carolina" neighbors? You'd think wolves and roosters wouldn't mix well outside of Aesopville.

NC State is an awful team. They used to be fairly competitive but Boobs Amato destroyed any semblance of prosperity.

Spurdog had the Cocks out to a good start last year but the SEC grinded them down to .500 after being ranked briefly in the Top 10. This season they should get better QB play from either Smelley and/or drunk-all-the-time Stephen Garcia. The real strength of the South Carolina is their secondary that was at or near the top of best units in the country last year. They should shutdown whatever passing game NC State brings to the table. The Cocks struggled stopping the run last year; however, NC State doesn't have the running game to exploit this weakness.

This game should show the contrast between the mid-to-bottom level of the SEC versus the ACC.

Pack 10

Cocks 31

ML

SC 24

NC State 14

CB

Pack 14

Cock 28

Saturday, August 30^th, 2008

Georgia Southern at Georgia (NL), 12:30

ML

My only hope for this game is that the senior partner from my old firm attends it live and dies of a stroke, just like UGA. Another hope is that Mark “the Prick” Richt and his born-again persona is exposed for the sham it really is. One final hope is for injuries, lots of injuries.

Ga Sowf 6

Die Dawgs die! 44

EGM

Eagles 14

Dawgs 56

CB

GA SOUTH 20

UGly 60

Hawaii @ Florida (-35), 12:30

ML

This game had some sex appeal before June Jones left Honolulu. The trash-talking sex predator left Paradise for SMU, and he’ll escape the wrath of some sweaty, hungover, whited-out Gator fans. This game will most likely be a showcase for Chris Rainey and Emmanuel Moody, as it looks more and more like Percy will be gimpy for the opener. This should get ugly early. I’ll be watching from an Air Conditioned home.

Gay-bows 13

Gators 45

EGM

Rainbow Warriors 17

Gators 66

CB

I didn’t get to pick this game but I just wanted to say GO GATORS. Man I wish June Jones was still at UH.

Rainbows 14

UF 45

Appalachian State at LSU (NL), 5

CB

I know what everyone is going to say before this game. They are going to bring up “the upset.” They are going to expect me to bring it up too! Well I will not dignify this column with a ridiculous statement like that. I mean sure, App St., upset Michigan at Michigan last year. Can they do it again this year at a team with more disarray than the Dinner Cruise Gambler’s (a guest Bourbon Boy) room senior year at UF? As I said, that whole issue will not be brought up around here. So just forget it.

UPSET? 21

NEAUX 50

EGM

Mountaineers 10

Bayou Bengals 42

ML

App State 6

LSU 30

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech (+7.5), 6:45

EGM

The Dogs of the West return a ton of starters on defense and at the skill positions. Considering they couldn’t stop the run and had a deplorable offense, this might not be a good thing. However, Croom has proven himself as a good coach after last season’s 8-5 record. After watching them in the first game against LSU, I wasn’t sure if they would score all year long. But LSU was Nat’l Championship caliber and they can make you look pretty bad when they are on.

The Lady Techsters somehow drew a home affair against an SEC team. I guess one bowl season doesn’t prevent opening your season in Ruston, LA. Watch out for Gustav the mad German hurricane.

Road Dogs 20

La Tech 10

ML

MSU 24

La Tech 13

CB

Slime of the ST 24

LA Tech 21

Louisiana-Monroe at Auburn (-26.5), 7

CB

I seem to have picked at least three of my least favorite teams in the conference this week. I definitely hate Aubarn like any normal person outside of the Auburn, Opelika, Columbus tri-city area, but I think I have grown up a lot in the past few years. Last year, Auburn set the Gators back at home (that was 2 in row vs. these Tigers and I was at both), but the difference between last year and other losses was that last year I wasn’t psychotically inconsolable. Anyways, I’m probably gonna pick Auburn to cover this game, I mean I have heard they are fixing to settle on this one QB during this game that will take over for the year, so this will be some good practice for when the season starts.

La-MON-roe 13

AWBURN 42

EGM

Warhawks 13

Plainsmen 35

ML

LaMo 3

Auburn 31

Western Illinois at Arkansas (NL), 7

ML

Man…If were a Hog I’d be pissed, but then again, I am not a toothless redneck. These are the same toothless rednecks that ran out the greatest coach named after a city in Texas in the history of Sports (Sorry Dallas Green) and brought in that rat-fink from the Falcons. The Hogs lost 7 players to the NFL draft, including their dynamic duo at RB and underrated FB. It gets worse; Casey Dick is among their 10 returning starters. They should savor this win in Fayetteville, as they will be few and far between this year.

Leathernecks 9

Redderneck 31

EGM

Fighting Leathernecks 10

Hawgs 38

CB

Weastern Illinoiss a little (3)

Arkansawr a lot (49)

Memphis at Ole Miss (-7.5), 7

ML

Fayetteville’s loss is Oxford’s gain, as my man Nutt finds another home in the West.
Big Ed left the cupboard stocked with loads of talent, and former Gator commit Jevon “no really I’m white” Sneed could be the Rebs first competent QB since Eli. Memfrica has 15 returning starters and needs a decent year to help their fans forget they choked away the title in Hoops. Do they really have fans? I don’t know. I sort of get a USF vibe from them. This game is always close, and it will be this year.

Ghetto Tigazzz 20

“Classy” Rebs 27

EGM

Tigers 17

Rebs 21

CB

Memphrika 17

REBs 31

Alabama vs. Clemson (-5), at Atlanta, 8

EGM

Expectations are a bitch. Tommy Bowden knows this and has NEVER lived up to any of them. Please tell me how he is still coaching at Clemzon after blowing that game against BC last year. I understand that Matt “really overrated” Ryan was playing but seriously BC was terrible. The rest of the ACC wasn’t much better and they still couldn’t even make it to the championship game.

Bama wasn’t much better last year. They were loaded at the skill positions yet lost to some truly pathetic teams. Saban needs to flush some of Mike Shula’s shit out, including JPW, otherwise they aren’t going anywhere this year. I look for Bama to attempt to run the ball heavily; however, Tommy doesn’t coach defense so they are actually decent and should stop them.

Can JPW make the magic happen? I sincerely doubt it. Clemzon fans, get ready for the expectations to double and prepare yeself for a loss to a team like. . .Maryland. Yeah, that just sounds right.

Bamer 17

Clemzon 21

ML

Bama 24

Clemson 27

CB

Yellow Hamma 23

Clemzin 21

Sunday, August 31^st, 2008

Kentucky at Louisville (-3.5), 3:30

CB

Nice way to represent the Conference Wildcats. Start out as road dogs to your in state rival? Ridiculous. I guess losing Andre “Rattled” Woodson is enough for the entire country to fall off the UK bandwagon. Well never say I can’t toe the line.

Back to Kensucky 18

Louahvuhl 22

EGM

Cats 20

Cards 24

ML

UK 32

Louisville 28

September 1^st, 2008

Tennessee at UCLA (+7.5), 8

EGM

UCLA looks awful on paper. Their defense is atrocious and they couldn’t even rack up yards in the Pac-10. I’m not a Pac-10 hater like some people, but the conference is not known for wicked defense.

What I do know, Tennessee is LOADED on the offensive line and Jonathan Crompton will be handing the ball off a lot. My guess is that he will be 60% playaction pass and with UCLA’s terrible defense this game should get out of hand quickly.

Tennessee is not scared of road games to start the season and they have always been good out of conference. I just don’t see UCLA and Bracketologist Rick Neuheisel putting up much of a fight. The 7.5 is a sucker bet, but I’ll lay the points anyways because I’m the champ SON!

Vols 31

Bruins 17

ML

UT 24

UCLA 20

CB

Nasty Orange 30

NewCla 25