Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2008 Week II

Malt Licker
Well we learned a few things last week, namely, that Clemzzzon and the ACC are overrated. Although, can I really say I learned something, especially when it was something I already knew? The Gators looked pretty good, but Hawaii’s QB played the 2nd and 3rd quarter with diarrhea running down his leg. I must say I am pretty pumped about this week’s game against “da U.” I can’t wait to send all 500 of their fans back home to dee majeeek seetee of meeeahhhhhmeeee crying in their mojitos.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Day-um! Already some very nice games in the mix in College Football in general, let alone the SEC! I really don’t consider the Bama Clemzin game an upset though, to be for real. Clemson is always hyped up b/c I think they are like the “feel good” team of the ACC, the team that everyone (outside of Columbia, SC) just wants to do well. Well, once again, the sympathetic media’s hopes have been dashed as Alabama gave these kitties an SEC pounding. On the other side of upsets was Tennessee, maybe they will learn to stop trying to show off by traveling to the Left Coast and getting their asses kicked. It loses its coolness when you keep losing to teams you should beat btw…

El Gran Mono
Last week was a tough start for both Tim Tebow and yours truly. I’m expecting a big comeback this week for the both of us. Strangely enough, Miami-UF appears to be the biggest game of the week. But with Norfolk State and Southeastern LA gracing the picks column this week that’s not really a crazy thing. When does this SEC season start?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

South Carolina @ Vanderbilt (+10), 8:30
EGM
Who the hell was that guy starting for South Carolina last week? You’ll be asking yourself that same question after this game. Smelley was a very talented player coming out of high school and I think NC State was his coming out party. The Cocks’ defense looked tough against NC State but believe it or not, Vandy is more talented than NC State. Wolfpack fans have Chuck Amato to thank for that.

Vandy destroyed Miami like a smallpox outbreak. Chris Nickson is back in the fold so I like Vandy’s chances at making it to a bowl game. They’ll keep this one under 10 no problem.

Cocks 21
No Longer Doremats 17

ML
Cizzocks 34
Duh-dores 17

CB
USC 21
Vandy 14

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Tulane at Alabama (-30), 2
ML
I see ‘Bama is on the cover of SI. I can smell the cock-eyed optimism emanating from Tuscaloosa, or maybe it is just the stench of their urine/beer soaked houndstooth garments that are so popular there these days. Seriously though, was this unexpected? Saban v. Tommy Bowden is like Cortez v. the Aztecs, especially with all summer to prepare. I don’t know a thing about Tulane, except that Tommy Bowden used to coach there. If he were still there I’d take ‘Bama to cover, but he’s not, so I see a letdown.

Surf’s Up 10
Tide Ebbing 33

EGM
Green Wave 10
Tide 49

CB
Tulane 10
YellaHamma 43


Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas (-12.5), 7
CB
Hey Razorbacks, this isn’t the NCAA tourney, it is NOT okay to barely beat a shitbox team like Western Illinois. I guess Bobby Petrino just hasn’t found his niche as the top dog of yet another team (in what 3 years?). If they continue to have close games like this, and then enter the SEC schedule playing like a bunch of monkeys don’t be surprised if good ol’ Bobby cuts ands runs to a better job. (Well ANOTHER job anyways). The La.-Monroe Warhawks, (formerly the Northeastern Louisiana Indians, formerly the Louisiana Monroe Indians), got thumped last weekend by an Auburn team still trying to get its feet wet, so that might help to squash any thought of an upset here, but after the Hogs showed NO sign of a running game last week and actually had to rally late to beat an awful Missouri Valley team, anything is possible.

Chickenhawks 14
Razorbacks 26

ML
LaMo 14
Hawg Shit 24

EGM
Monroe 17
Pigs 28

Southern Miss at Auburn (-17.5), 12:30
CB
I would be more interested in this game if Brett Favre could un-retire from being a pro and come back to college. On paper I give USM less than zero chance heading into Jordan-Hare Stdm to face the number 10 team in the country, but it sounds like Auburn is having trouble with their new spread offense (like every other school that’s new to it). Auburn had to go “old school” (see: SEC Pre-Spurrier) and run the shit out of the ball last week, so I would look for more of that until their current QB can get a handle on the new system.

Brett come home 10
Aw-barn 38

ML
Honorary SEC non-conf opponent 9
Plainsmen 31

EGM
Eagles 10
Plainsmen 21

Miami at Florida (-21.5), 8
ML
Wow…it seems like yesterday……I was a young One L walking into the Orange Bowl for the first time. I was a student of dah U’s School of Law and donning full Gator regalia. I will never forget the angriest person I’ve ever seen in my life, a 90 pound Cuban girl/UM student, pass out after finding out she was not getting into the game, although not before directing the full force of her ire at yourself and El Gran Mono. I went in fully expecting to lose, but the Zooker raised my hopes, only to see them dashed by his calling card, the 4th quarter collapse. The Orange Bowl is gone, and I would bet my life that the 90 pounder now has 3 kids and has nearly doubled her weight. Former Plant High star and son of former Buccaneer linebacker, Robert Marve is making his first collegiate start in the Swamp against the heavily favored Gators. Part of me feels like I should be a bit worried, but then I realized how much Urban appreciates history. He knows how long it has been since UF beat the Canes, and he will put the hammer down.

Cocaine sniffing thugs 13
Streak Breakers 44

CB
Co‘Canes 12
UF 30

EGM
CoCanes 13
Gators 42

Central Michigan at Georgia (-23), 3:30
EGM
Did you know that Knowshon is hurt? Maybe the pregame kegger with Rat Haired Stafford was put in place of stretches. I wouldn’t be surprised because Georgia is the greatest team of all time. So good they lost two games last year where they couldn’t move the ball whatsoever.

I’m sure Richt will run the score up here in order to show the country that his team is ok. He’s not fooling me and he’s still got a couple ass kickings coming.

Chipps 17
Dawgs 52

ML
Chippewas 10
Barking Rednecks 35

CB
CMU 13
UGA 44

Norfolk State at Kentucky (NL),
EGM
It appears that I underestimated the Wildcats. Perhaps the Cards are just bad but I think that the Cats might be pretty good despite losing Andre “Take A Sack, Don’t Hurt the Rating” Woodson. Their defense is much improved and they have a pretty decent running game. More importantly, I think they won’t have too much of a problem with Norfolk State, even if the Spartans are “achieving with excellence.” Is it possible to achieve without being excellent? Maybe in Barak Obamaville…

Spartans 7
KY 45

ML
Black Spartans 2
Blue & White Kitties 44

CB
NSU 10
UK 11

Troy at Louisiana State (-24), PPD
ML
As a reward for being so awesome these two teams decided to postpone the game and spare me the obligation to write a preview. I know you all feel cheated, but I do not.

CB
PPD

EGM
PPD

Southeast Louisiana at Mississippi State (NL), PPD
CB
Those dirty Dawgs tried it the classy way, but that blew up in their faces last week. Starting the season AT a D-1A school? That was very stupid, esp for a team that is just one season away from being the laughing stock of the conference. Sure last year they swept the state of Alabama, but I have to believe that it was a weird one for those schools (well except for Alabama-Birmingham, they just generally suck). Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that this week, against a cupcake, is the way to do it at MSU. Next time up, start the year by staying at home in the pastures, cow-tipping, embarrassing the rest of the State and playing an awful team.

SE LA 13
Mess St. 34

ML
The Lions 13
Croom’s Crew 44

CB
Directional 10
Miss State 31

Ole Miss at Wake Forest (-8)
CB
No respect for the Rebels even after they took down Memphis last week with a very balanced attack!! I really think that Houston Nutt has brought a much needed spark to Oxford, and with some of the talent they have, that may be just what the doctor ordered. However, Wake Forest is definitely the class of the ACC this year, and while that normally would make one laugh until they cried, recently that has become more than a joke (a hilarious joke at that). The Rebels are bringing their Southern Hair and crokies to Winston-Salem Saturday with the hopes of keeping their new found success flowing like their golden locks, however that may not be enough this weekend. The smart money is on a nice Deacon win, but I gotta go with the Rebs to at least cover.

Ole Miss 21
Deacs 24

ML
Ole Piss 24
Weak Forest 28

EGM
Rebs 24
Deacs 28

Tennessee – OPEN
ML
Leave it to Phat Phil to lose again. I know, let’s not give the ball to Hardesty and Foster, but instead pitch it around 40 times with Jonathan “Straight Outta Crompton.” I hope the Vols bring this attitude to the UF game in 2 weeks. It would be nice for UCLA to become relevant, if only to prevent USC from landing every high school stud in Southern California.

USF at UCF (+14)
EGM
14 point dogs at home. That can’t feel good. I wonder how George O’Leary will fudge that on his resume. Maybe he’ll just eat fudge instead. USF absolutely hammered UCF last year and this game might even get “Matt Grothe For Heisman” talk going. Of course, anyone who brings that subject up should immediately be branded a moron, much like Grothe himself.

Golden Nights 13
Bullz 45

ML
USF 40
UCF 20

CB
USF 38
UCF 20