Thursday, September 18, 2008

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV

El Gran Mono
Ohio State sucks. Is that huge news? Last year, LSU had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. The year before, UF had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. When are people going to realize that the Big Ten is terrible and that’s why Ohio State sucks every year? Gary Danielson summed it up today on the best radio show going, The Herd. He said, how do we not have a playoff, because everyone wants to see USC play whomever makes it out of the SEC. And Big Gary (sorry, about the bad memories CB) is completely right, the winner of the SEC deserves to play for the title even with TWO losses! Am I preaching to the choir here? No doubt, but at the same time it is logistically true. Its not just hope and more hope, it’s a fucking fact.

This week we welcome “Ben Hill Bootlegger.” What can I say about this guy? A typical day for him: drinking to excess, talking a lot of shit, “hanging out” at notorious homosexual public sex venues, and finishing things off with a Baconater. One of my best friends! Welcome, welcome…

I will personally be enjoying this weekend in beautiful Knoxvegas at my cousin’s spacious lair, drinking copious amounts of libations and enjoying glorious camaraderie. It really doesn’t get any better. Let’s get to the football, SON!

Malt Licker
Whoaaaaaa Diggity!!!! It’s the first full slate of SEC Games this year. With the exception of something called Wofford, all the games are pretty good. Monkey boy is heading to Knoxville, where he will drink himself silly at O’Charley’s. Two key matchups, one in the East and one in the West, should bring some clarity to the SEC race. I need my own plane so I could fly into the Smokeys and join the Monkey on Cumberland Avenue.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Last week’s bye week was boring as hell. I mean I had fun, but the games were absolutely miserable. SC/OSU was a yawn fest, UGA looked about as vulnerable as possible and Auburn Miss State was quite literally ALL ABOUT DEFENSE. Former guest Bourbon Boy, The Mud Hen, was actually in attendance in Stark-Vegas last week and apparently received glares from Bulldog fans when he stood up and pleaded to the MSU sidelines to kick a long field goal on 4th and long. Apparently at Mississippi State, they are ALL about offense and get angry when they have to settle for field goals. Well, last week they “settled” for ONE safety and lost. Freaking idiots. Speaking of former guest Bourbon Boys, the Dinner Cruise Gambler had a story he asked me to pass along. Its rather long so I’ll just get to the point. A stock Meee-ami fan was acting a fool at the UM/UF game a few weeks ago, when out of the sky came a Lemonade bomb. Long story short, Senor Cane took cover for the rest of the game in an undisclosed location. Don’t mess with our students, he was lucky it was actually lemonade!

Ben Hill Bootlegger
Let me started by thanking EGM, CB, and ML for the opportunity to write with them. Now, I want you to understand that I respect the many years of service and the difficulty of the job that these men have endured to entertain all of us in this blog. However, I feel that so far this year all of us have been cheated. How are we ‘the people’ suppose to determine what we think will happen in these games with only one person doing the commentating for every game - come on! Because the two lawyas and their little lawya in training have continued on this grievous course, I am stepping forward to help ‘the people’. I care about you, and if they want to continue on this path, it is time for a change. A vote for BHB is a vote for CHANGE. What they fuck just happened - I blacked out. As an additional treat this week, I will be going old school and picking the over/under in each game.

Alabama at Arkansas (+9.5), 3:30
ML
I guess this could be dubbed the Back-Stabbing Liars Bowl. The Traitor Tussle. Betrayers R ‘Us. Squinty-eyed Petrino is in the midst of rebuilding, while the Tide delusionists think “they’re back.” Surprisingly this series is relatively close, as ‘Bama has a narrow 10-8 edge. I am not too impressed with either team. I think the Hawgs home field will do nothing to help them out, and the Tide will Rollllllllll to victory

Judas 26
Benedict Arnold 9

BHB
Welcome to Fayetteville, Arkansas where the only thing worth noting is that John “Double Down” Daly went to college here. Nick Satan brings his all-time 4-2 record against the Razorbacks into Fayetteville for the first time as the Lord Almighty of Tuscaloosa. He brings with him his three-name QB and a pretty good group of WRs. The Razorbacks may have lost their Houston NUTTs, but don't worry, they still have their Casey DICK. For this game, Bobby Petrino might drive up to Leavenworth Federal Prison and pickup a new recruit that he has coached before, but the Razorbacks will not lay down for this one. The Tide won this game last year with :08 to go. This one will be closer than the experts say. Take the over at 46.5.

Rednecks who fuck their sister while she wears a Bear Bryant hat 27
Rednecks who fuck their sister 21

EGM
Bama 28
Hawgs 7

CB
Bama 23
Hogs 14

LSU at Auburn (+2.5). 3:30
CB
This is always a great rivalry game. One that sticks out in my mind is the 1994 affair. I remember it so clearly cause Auburn was on their 10+ game winning streak and was on probation by the NCAA. LSU took a 14 point lead into the 4th quarter when the Bengal Tiger QB tossed like 5 picks in ONE QUARTER, 3 of which were returned for touchdowns. The Jefferson Pilot (aka Raycom) shitbox camera work couldn’t take away from the excitement that day. Of course while I generally wish the host stadium would implode during this game, this game generally provides some serious craziness. Anyways, I guess its time for my yearly joke about this game, “I believe the Tigers will win this one”…terrible.

LSU 20
Other Tigers 13

BHB
You might as well call this one the SEC West title game, because the winner of this game has also won the West 6 out of the last 8 years. This game, being in Jordan-Hare Stadium, does not sit well for the real Tigers of Louisiana. This game is going to be won on the ground. Going in, both teams are ranked in the top 25 for rushing yards. Auburn struggled last week against the Croomster in the biggest offensive shoot out since the gun fight scene at the end of HEAT (That was for you CB). The Plaintigerwareagles and the Croomster's Dawgs racked up a massive 5 total points last week. They might be without the starting RB Brad Lester, who nearly Prothroed his neck last week. My only hope in this game, is that Auburn's Kicker, Wes Byrum gets killed by Mike the Tiger, who mistakenly is let out of his cage. Camera pans to a shocked Tommy Tuberville and then pans to Les Miles as he raises his right hand and waves it back and forth several times across his face. Fade out. END SCENE. Go under at 37.5.


Whooo dodged Ike 14
Someone in the East, please beat the Gators 17

EGM
Tigers 7
Plainsmen 6

ML
Drunk Tigers 2
Preppy-hick Tigers 3

Florida at Tennessee (+7), 8
ML
I’m so confident about this game, it makes me nervous. From what I’ve seen out of Crompton and the rest of the Vols, I feel like unless we pull a ’98 and turn the ball over a bunch, we should cruise. The Vols strength on offense is their running game, and our defensive front looks pretty tough. Percy will get loose, thrust himself into the Heisman picture, and lead the Gators to a big victory.
GATORS!!! 33
Fulmer death watch? 10

BHB
SEC football is here. Look for this one to get ugly, and get ugly quick. Look for the Vols to pick their poison and the Gators to exploit it. The Vols secondary appeared shakey against a weak UCLA, allowing 259 passing yards. Look for Tebow to punish Fat Phil's Team with a barrage of smash mouth running and deep bombs to Louis and Percy. Phil already has his comforting Sunday loser's brunch ordered at Calhoun's on the River. Tennessee has not been able to run the ball for the last two years, averaging just 13 yds on the ground, and they won't improve this year with their steady diet of Sprint Draws. Smokey will need a massive order of shit and grass to help deal with his upset stomach after this game. Sorry Auburn, this train is a rolling. Toughest line of the week, take the over at 51.5.

Florida 38
On the edge of a Rocky Top season (step back from the ledge sir) 21

EGM
Tebow 31
Crapton 17

CB
GATORS 27
VULS 13

Georgia at Arizona State (+6.5), 8
EGM
Georgia is #1! Wait, no they aren’t. Has anyone ever looked at Stafford’s completion percentage? Or even the fact that UGA’s defense isn’t that good? I think after they lose their second game, people will start to ask questions like that. However, do I think Arizona State has what it takes to win or possibly even cover? Absolutely not, Dennis Erickson may beat up on the West Coast with his band on JUCO’s but he hasn’t seen the likes of NotShawn Moreno. Richt won’t even need premeditated enthusiasm for this one.

4 year school 35
JC 17

ML
Prick’s Dawgs 25
Sun Devils 15

CB
UGA 25
Zona St 10

BHB
Over Celebrating Assholes 21
PAC 10 Pyros 17

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
CB
This is actually going to be a pretty good game, and not for the typical reason (that being that they both suck). No, this time its gonna be a good one cause these teams are actually decent. Well, the scale of “decentness” is rather subjective. Vandy is decent cause they aren’t the fucking worst team ever this time around, and Ole Miss is decent b/c they are actually on an upward swing, contending against good programs and such. Its actually making me nervous about the Gators playing the Rebs next week. Well maybe just a bit. In this game I’m really liking Ole Miss. I understand that Vandy doesn’t blow per usual but I am really impressed with Snead’s pocket presence and elusiveness.

Vandie 17
Ole Miss 27

EGM
Dores 17
Jevan Snead 24

ML
Vandyfeated 23
Rebz 21

BHB
Get out your calculators - 35
Put away that beer and get out your tall wallets - 27

Mississippi State at Georgia Tech (-7.5), 1
EGM
This game will likely resemble something from about 1940. A team running the wing T and a team that…well, they don’t score. Ga Tech really shouldn’t be favored over anyone by seven plus with their disgusting offense. They were beaten by lowly Va Tech last week in the ACC battle of engineers. I’m going to go directly against my weekend host and say uber-awesome head man, Sly Croom somehow pulls this out or at least covers. Watch this game after only after 12 beers, if you are hanging with BHB, he’ll already have 18 under his belt and working on his second nap.

Miss St 10
Jackets 9

ML
Miss St 13
Tech 19

CB
Miss St 7
GT 13

BHB
Dawgs version 2.0 - 10
Shooter McGavain's Coats - 17

Wofford at South Carolina (NL)
ML
Do these teams play every year? It sure seems like it. The Terriers are a lovely little lib arts college in Spartanburg, and the Cocks are a disappointing state school in a town that loves to drink. Maybe Spurrier should start the drunk kid from Tampa and stop messing around with Smelley. I know the Cocks are going to score one upset this year, I just hope they get it out of their system before we play them in November. Oh yea, Mike Davis sucks.
Rat Dogs 13
Limp Cocks 40
EGM
Quintessential Liberal Arts Education 7
Getting Me a Job Education 31

CB
Wofford? 12
USC 143

BHB
Waiting to see the new Chihuahua movie - 14
Trying to get to .500 - 24

OPEN: Kentucky
CB
Man, how happy am I that I landed on Kentucky during their bye week? UK football, Catch it! I am embarrassed to say this but I have absolutely no idea what the Cats are up to right now. Let me look it up on the internet. (time elapsed). We’re back…Oh here was my problem, UK has played 3 games, two of which were against Norfolk St, and MTSU. Next week’s challenge is the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, and that is it for cupcakes. An ALL SEC schedule after that with one more bye week at the end of the season. HAHA! Maybe I’ll select this team for that bye week as well as a little “State of the Union” recap. Right now the future looks grim for the Blue and White and I can’t see them taking more than 3 from their conference foes.

Wake Forest at Florida State (-4), 7
EGM
This is a tough game to pick. Wake lacks talent and has great coaching. Florida State is the exact opposite. If the Nole$ get rolling, then Wake is done for. They just don’t have the horses other than super accurate Riley Skinner. I think I’ll use this game to predict my blockbuster ACC finale. F$U vs. Miami. That’s right, craptacular ACC, you waited too long, they are back. Maybe not great, but getting back to where they should be. Clemson, fire Tommy B and you might have a shot. My guess, Tommy B gets a lifetime extension after a Peach Bowl loss. The ACC sucks.

Deacs 14
Noles$ 20

ML
Weak Wake 13
Unconquered and un-sold out 24

CB
Wake Skanks (no respect btw) 29
Regular Skanks 27

BHB
Boil me up some points 24
Is are coach dead yet 14

If you would like to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, then shoot us a line at bourbonboyspick@yahoo.com.

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