El Gran Mono
HATE WEEK! Big games all around. Given my 7-1 record ATS last week, I’m rolling into the situation red hot. The Noles and Vols also claim to be hitting this week at their peak, but I doubt it. The Noles have been barking all week about how one year makes a difference and last year’s game was the result of being “unprepared.” However, the “lack of preparation” excuse seems to be at odds with the media’s obsession with Jimbo Fisher. The guy has lost a ton of games the last few years and we are suddenly supposed to believe they are new dynasty. I’m not buying it. Sure, Bobby Stoops hasn’t exactly been the best big game coach, but Ryan Broyles and Landry Jones are still on his team and they both torched the same FSU players last year. I’d say another Sooner blowout is all but a foregone conclusion.
Now for the games that really matter…
(Brew of the week: Two hearted ale. Truly a one of a kind taste. )
12-2 against the spread thus far! Actually, make that 13-2. LSU just covered. If you have not been using my picks to make illegal wagers, I consider it an insult, nay an attack, and plan to commission my allies to start collecting names. Additionally, anyone who deigns to question or ignore my picks will be recorded on my new website www.slapinmaltlickersface.com. Bet on my picks! Don’t even think about it! Just bet! In fact, you should bet now even though you have not had the chance to read my picks. Just bet on them! Trust me! Also, I just heard about a great investment in mud energy, manufactured from the sediment that flows down the Mississippi River. It’s totally green and totally awesome. I promise you, no snail darters will be harmed. Invest in it!!!! Trust me!
Even though you all have had time to make your wagers, some of you wish to put partisan politics ahead of what’s good for your wallet and actually expect an explanation for the basis of my picks. Since, I am a Uniter, I will attempt to placate the rubes. There are three big games in the Sunshine State this week, the Parole Bowl, OU/FSU, and of course our Gators against the hated Vols. It should be an action packed Saturday. Don’t forget to follow me on twitter @joequizza
As we sit here, I think its an appropriate time for us to reflect to our favorite UF/UT memories. Reflecting: Remember in 2000 when Jabar Gaffney “caught” that ball and we beat UT? Remember 4 years later when the ref forgot to start the clock and the Vuls had just enough time to kick a game winning FG? That was a total joke. How about happier moments…the 2006 Tebow 4th down run that saved our season; 2007 When we “blue” out UT; 2010 when I was keeping up with the game during a wedding ceremony! Anyways, Tennessee and the terrorists teamed up for a Gators loss in 2001 and that remains as the worst one I had to sit through b/c it was my last home game as a student. Weak sauce. Okay gotta end this on a happier note: picture it, 1995, Tennessee took the lead 30-14 into the locker-room and it poured at halftime after which Danny Wuerffel and the rest of the team proved that Gators really are amphibious. We scored 48 straight points in the rain to take and maintain the lead. It was also the game that I thought we had all witnessed someone die. Joey Kent was crushed by Lawrence Wright and fumbled on the play. It was so wonderful. I’m sure this kind of stream of consciousness ranting is exactly what some of you are looking for, and for more follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/cuzzinbailey
Thursday, September 15, 2011
LSU at Mississippi State (+3.5)
As this is only game in town, so to speak, we will just be posting this item for immediate consumption and repost the rest manana. So I just read on espn that the Bulldogs are leading the SEC in total offense through the first two games. 1) that makes me feel better knowing that Tennessee isn’t the best offense; 2) it shows how good Dan Mullen is, to be able to make a team like Miss St a force to be reckoned with; and 3) I never thought I’d see a MSU team play better offense than it did against the Gators in 2000 when Dicenzo Miller and Dontae Walker ran for probably 700 yards against UF. Look I was in the “LSU is screwed” camp at the beginning of the season with the suspension of Jefferson and that WR, but now its as though the Tigers are the real deal and possibly the most legit NC contender in the SEC. See what I’m doing now? If I compliment them, I am hoping to jinx their Cajun asses. Its called “faux-humility” just a theory that I developed in Auburn (2001 & 2006) after I observed the worst offenders. MSU messed up their season last weekend by running a 2010 Florida red zone gimmick at the end of the game against the faux humilitarians. I’m gonna steal this thought from something I saw on the internet, but to be honest, its not exactly groundbreaking information: if MSU wants to stop being the almost-was team in the West, they’d better get their act together, ring some freaking cowbells and beat LSU tonight!!! Meh, I just don’t see it happening…
Dirty Cajuns 30
Dirty Dawgs 24
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Auburn at Clemson (-3.5)
It’s the Mirror Image Bowl!!! I’ve heard that the Plainzmen and Clemzon patterned their campuses after each other, and Clemson is known as “Auburn with a Lake.” Both of them are named the Tigers. Both are public land-grant institutions. Both are named after the town in which they are located. Both cheat. Speaking of cheating, Auburn needed a Cam Newton-led comeback to erase a 17 point deficit in this matchup last year. The War Eagle looks ripe for a let down on the road after eking out close victories in their first two games. They’ve had trouble stopping the run, which appears to be Clemson’s strength on offense. However, mighty Wofford took Clemson to the brink last week, so it is highly possible they suck. This seems like a tight match-up, so I am going with the points, the SEC, and against a coach named Dabo.
War Eagle 30
War Dumb Eagle 27
Clemzin Tigres 28
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt (+1.5)
This game likely displays the two worst teams the SEC. Currently, the only thing worse than the shitty hair and dingy baseball caps of Reb mongoloids is the play of their football team. As an excuse for the bad play, Houston Nutt has claimed that he is recreating William Faulkner’s syntax in the form of a football team. Without a doubt, Vandy appreciates this blend of academia and athletics. However, that won’t stop them from handing Ole Miss the first of their eight SEC losses.
Ole Piss 24
Ole Miss 21
Nerd Alert 19
Coastal Carolina at Georgia (OFF)
Look, everyone knows what a great guy Mark Richt is supposed to be, but how does one throw away such a great opportunities and still remain as head coach. I mean I get they don’t have the arrest record that UF has, but they also don’t have the championships or the Cocktail Party wins. Coastal Carolina is 2-0 and UGA is 0-2, and after this weekend those zeros will be replaced by ones. But that’s not why we’re here. Maybe its unfair to place all the blame on Richt, perhaps the moron in charge of scheduling should take some of the blame. Who on earth doesn’t believe that a team from the SEC with a decent preseason ranking can’t ascend to the pinnacle of college football without being as foolhardy as this and just play your normal schedule? Why add teams like Oklahoma State and Boise State to start your season off on the wrong foot? No one doubted UF when we played our stock schedule (with the addition of a down UM school) in ’08 and road it all the way to the BCS championship. Anyways, if UGA has yet another disappointing season, I think Mr. Nice Guy is on his way out.
Roosters Actin’ like Dawgs 10
Georgia Dawgs 50
Tennessee at Florida (-9.5)
Both of these teams have rolled up two creampuffs and are now ready for the main course. This year, the Gators are featuring a pro style attack with Rainey and Demps as the centerpieces. Unfortunately for Gator fans, the man getting the ball to Rainey and Demps is still John Brantley. Things have been vanilla the first few weeks but JBIII still looks hesitant about every throw. Someone needs to tell this kid to grow a pair.
The Vols are quite the opposite. Their QB Tyler Bray has been ripping off 300 yard games ever since becoming the starter last year. Also, the Vols young WRs can make plays against anyone.
Easy Vol win? I think not. The Gator defense is loaded in the front seven and will pressure Bray throughout the day. The young Vol line will not be able stop the front four which will allow the young Gator secondary to mix up their coverages and not expose their young CBs. Also, much like last year, Johnny B should give the Gators enough on offense to win the game.
On a side note, my dog thinks Smokey is a pussy for wearing that gay orange faux blanket.
Hate the Vols 20
Love the Gators, but don’t trust Brantley 24
Navy at South Carolina (-17)
Normally I would, and possibly still will, err on the side of SEC speed, but there is something to be said for this Navy triple option. Personally I like my favorite team to run a pro-style offense, or the spread in certain circumstances, but when it comes to strictly entertainment purposes only, the triple option is quite enjoyable to watch. But how long before Navy must resort to passing too much and go completely away from their gameplan? Eh, call it the mid-day beer in me or whatever, but I’m gonna go out on a crazy limb today and call for the Midshipmen to cover this rather large spread. The Cocks will probably win, but I like Navy to put some points on the board and keep it marginally close…
Louisville at Kentucky (-6)
It’s the battle for the Governer’s Cup!!! Chuck Strong v. the Joker!!! Shitty offense vs. Shittier defense! The Wildcats have eked out two victories against shite opponents, while the Cards dropped one to the mighty Panthers of FIU. This game will set football back 150 years, or, if you watch these teams regularly, look like nothing new.
Crappy Cards 17
Crappy Cats 25
Coach/Team Joke 23
North Texas at Alabama (-46)
If the entire Bama team catches a case of the “Mean Green” they might only be favored by three touchdowns.
Tejas Norte 0
Norte Tejas 3
Troy at Arkansas (-23)
When thinking about picking against the spread, especially when it involves high double digits, always think of the coach for the big favorite. If he seems like a nice guy, it is probably best to take the points. However, if he seems like a colossal prick devoid of a soul, lay the points and go with the favorite. Especially if the soulless prick is an offensive guru. According to Petrino, Tyler Wilson was suffering “concussion-like symptoms” in last week’s game. Even with a punch drunk QB, the Hawgs ran up 373 passing yards last week, and their backup lit it up for more than 100r. They easily covered and will look to do the same at home against the Trojans, who were whipped at Clemson in week 1. If Clemson can beat the Trojans by 24, I have no doubt the Razorbacks will.