Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V

Malt Licker

Well the Gator offense was in high gear against lowly Kentucky, but after the second half, we are all praying that injuries will not be a factor the rest of the year. The second team looked horrendous as Kentucky outscored them 21-0 in the second half. In the only big game of the week the balding Cro-Magnon Pickle Man brought the Vols back from an atrocious first half against Ron Zook’s, I mean Les Miles’ Bayou Bengals. This is a huge week for Urban as the Gators face their first big road test of our Renaissance as we head into Tuscaloosa to take on Baby Shula and Probation U.

El Gran Mono

I thought last week’s games were bad until I started typing out this week’s schedule. At least there was LSU-UT last week to add some competitiveness. I’m sure every Bama fan just winced at the preceding two sentences, wondering “how UF-Bama isn’t a big game.” It’s big in Tuscaloosa because everyone there thinks they have a chance at winning, and that my friends is the sad state of affairs in Bear Bryant Country. In other news, I’m tired of hearing about USF-Louisville and how the Bulls are going to be good soon because I’ve heard that shit for years and I’m still not buying it.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

This is an exciting time for Gator fans. Not only did Urban have his first road VIC with Florida, but now we have a chance to win one that will actually mean something…not to say that Kentucky sucks, but kicking the shit out of a team that got manhandled by Indiana doesn’t mean exactly what it used to mean. Anyways, enough bad mouthing…LSU lost this week to Tennessee which raises cause for concern because it means that, as Phat Phil so eloquently stated in between post-win bites last night, UT is back in the hunt for the SEC East, …after the game they showed he and his wife hugging and this and that all over Tiger Stadium…she was pretty alright looking…bizarre…anyways. This week its time for the Gators to get a little payback on the Alabama Crimzin (sic) Tide….Last time we played them resulted in a tandem of losses in ONE DAMN YEAR (1999) and you know that old proverb…Revenge is a dish best served cold…I’m not going to tell you which Star Trek that is from …oh damn….anyways, lets get it on….(by the way, props to Chris DiMarco…way to represent the Orange and Blue!)….

Middle Tennessee at Vanderbilt

ML

The Vanderbilt Apocalyptic Undefeated Tour continues this week as the hapless Blue Raiders and their huge band goes just up the road to Nashville. Cutler’s passes will slice through the secondary leading Vandy to an inexplicable 5-0 record.

Our band can tour some cool clubs in Nashville 7

Vandy’s your Daddy 31

EGM

This intrastate rivalry is much fiercer than you think…the quiz bowl teams had an all out brawl last year when Vandy brought an illegal calculator into the competition. As for the football game, who fucking cares…

Sun Belt walkovers 12

Jay Cutler for Heisman 28

CB

This is just another warm up game for Vandy before they play actual teams with talent. Being that both teams are from Tennessee, one may find it odd to know that they have only played 14 times in their history. And this being such a special, rare occasion, I decided to do a little research into those games. From 1915 to 1956 they played 12 times with Vandie winning all 12. Needless to say, MTSU was sick of getting the shit kicked out of them so that the scenario, that was all-important to the National Title picture, ended and went on a 49-year hiatus. Vandy has since lost 2 straight and is looking for reciprocity…I can’t believe the bullshit that I am writing here…WHO GIVES A SHIT!!… When Vandee beats a good team, you can make a believer out of me… but until then, they are just the nerds that can’t be kicked out b/c of some charter member BS…. this game is going to suck, like your mom… sorry that was a bit offsides…

Middle Eastern Tennessee 14

Rear Admiral Colon Hunter 33

Florida at Alabama

ML

This game will come down to pass protection, as neither team will have much of a running game. Will the Cryppled Savior stay healthy enough to lead his team to their first victory against a top 10 team since 1999? Or will the Gator O-Line give Leak enough time to stake his claim as the best QB in the conference? This game will be a war, but Alabama native Chad Jackson will be the playmaking difference.

Also, as a side note, I neglected to mention the latest casualty of the Malt Licker wrath. Remember Trev “the Part” Alberts? Yea, he used to be on ESPN until he felt too big for his britches and asked for more cash or something. Anyway, I specifically targeted him as a douchebag and down the shitter he went. Mark May is one more asinine comment away from officially incurring the Malt Licker’s wrath.

Leak 4 Heisman 27

Crucified Saviors 13

EGM

Ah the memories of Tuscaloosa. Last time I was there I tried to set a world record for Gatorade/Vodka consumption before an 11:00 AM kickoff. I vaguely remember trying to insult Bama fans for losing to Arkansas the week before, petting a stone duck and almost fighting some kids in front of me. I’ll try to avoid that this time but any game where two Bourbon Brothers can party together is usually a very volatile situation. As for the game, Bama is extremely overrated after beating a bunch of shitty teams, Mike Shula is a terrible coach and Brodie Croyle will have his career ended most likely in the mid-2^nd quarter. Tide fans will be wishing they had Andrew Zow or superhick Tyler Watts after this game.

Gator nation 31

OVER-RATED…clap-clap-clapclapclap 7

CB

Holy Guacamole! This is going to be one exciting ass game. I am jacked about going to the Redneck State, and I’m prepared for whatever craziness awaits me. Road games like this really test the confidence of a team. Urban has sure shown that that is one thing that cannot elude this squad. Don’t be arrogant, just play the game like you know how, and how they have been taught and I believe that will be the difference this week. The Tide, seem to think they are “due” this victory, as if someone owes it to them. They act like they have played with some of the best teams in the country (see: Arkansas and South Carolina) and that makes them worthy of being called number one. Sorry to break it to you fucks, but this isn’t some B-team with a jack hole at the reins. These are the studs of the conference and soon to be SEC Champs. Come on Gators! I have a Saturday night’s bar tab riding on this game…don’t let me down

The Orange and Blue Victorious 31

Wish we still played at Legion Field 17

South Carolina at Auburn

ML

The flaccid cocks are changing the captain of their offense as they descend on the Plains in Auburn. The War Eagle Tiger Plainsmen have quietly whipped up on patsy’s after their opening loss to Tech, and their QB Cox, not Cocks, has not thrown an INT since his 2^nd half meltdown in Week 1. The Riverboat gambler’s team may be the dark horse in the west, as LSU has coaching issues, and the Crypple will be rendered useless after facing the Gator defense. The Ol’ Ballcoach is due for a minor upset victory, but I just don’t see it happening this week. Toomer’s Corner will be dripping with white material, and no it wont be from a Cocks celebration.

Finger Lickin’ Back 12

Drink avoiding Fags 31

EGM

The last time Spurdog went to Awwwwwwwwwwwwburn he took it right up the ass. An average Plainsmen team led by 7 year starter Daniel Cobb managed a last second win. TT can’t afford a loss at this moment and that’s when Spurdog usually strikes. AU struggled with Reggie Ball’s passing ability so I’m betting Spurdog is licking his chops. His revenge is just to easy to predict.

Cocktastic 29

Is Daniel Cobb still on the roster? 13

CB

Spur-dawg gets to revisit the site of his last SEC Road loss while he was still worthy of being called a hero of mine. Now I could give a shit what happens to him. Sure, go to Jerden-Hare Stadium with a subpar group of cracktastics…I’m certain you’ll do fine. Can’t pass, you say? No problem…Running game non-existent? Pimp tight. Way to head to a team with so much potential Stevie….USC has no chance here, and I couldn’t be happier…hit’em up Plainsmen….

Sorth Carolina 14

Gonna Beat them Cocks 24

LSU at Mississippi State

ML

Question…who has a lower IQ? The illiterate and ultra quiet Cajuns from Baton Rouge, JarJar “its fun to scramble and get tackled inbounds with only 10 seconds left in the half and no timeouts” Russell, the cowbell toting imbeciles at Scott Field, Ron Zook, or Les Miles (Ron Zook Part Deux)? I’d have to go with Miles. The man tried to call a timeout with 30 seconds left after a change of possession. You’d think if a schlep like me intuitively knows that the clock stops after a change of possession, the head coach of a top 10 program would. All I can say is I’m glad Satan is out of the SEC.

The Next Dinardo? 16

Huge Upset 19

EGM

LSU comes off a heartbreaking lost and now they get kicked in the nuts by having to visit the worst college town in America. How those drunk ass Cajuns survive in the shitty Starkville is beyond me. I guess that’s why they make the Jim Beam “Traveler”…Addai would take this game over if Les Miles didn’t sit him most of the game. JarJar may be terrible but he’ll look like Unitas against this shitty team.

Les Miles = Ron Zook Jr 34

Black Coach in the SEC 12

CB

What the hell happened in Baton Rouge Monday night?!? A 20-something point lead against a team that is playing like it has the crack crawlies, and JaMarcus Aurelius basically gives UT the game. In my humble opinion, he is the Plaxico Burress of the college QBs, in other words, the dumbest person alive. He makes ridiculous decisions and it totally cost all of those players/fans a win. That is not to let the Head coach off the hook. Not exactly an impressive SEC debut pal…way to win over your home crowd…I heard more booing in the fourth quarter last night than at a Linda Ronstadt concert at the local VFW…(what a bitch)…Right well, other than that, the Tigers fans can rest assured that their SEC record will get a much needed W this week…

LeS sUcks 34

Great Team/Sacrificial Lamb 10

Ole Miss at Tennessee

ML

I’m sure there will be tons of references to the Manning family in this game. It is the only thing that could be conceived as being remotely compelling. However, I despise all contrived references targeted to engender a false interest in a bogus game. Seriously, does Ole Miss matter at anything? Meanwhile Phat Phil was probably ticked that there weren’t any hotel rooms in Baton Rouge, forcing he and his team to fly down the day of the game. Phil’s diet needs variety. After 50 tons of Spare Ribs a guy has a hankering for some Crawdads and Oysters.

Hey…we beat Zook twice 14

Will Phil try to Eat Claussen’s Pickle? 26

EGM

Ole Piss got roadhoused by the Cowboys last week and now they get to play Smokey and his shiteating pals. The Vols roll easily here. I wonder if idiot Reb fan is still talking shit about David Cutcliffe…I think not.

Institute of Shitty Southern Hair 6

Rick “Balding like Eric Zeier” Clausen 41

CB

I have to ask, who is Rick Clowson? Bob Davie is such an idiot as a color commentator and I never thought I would say this but I miss Mike Gottfried. He and Ron Franklin were like peas and carrots….anyways. I was taking mental notes while I was watching the game the other night, and I could not believe the crap I was seeing. Overthrown passes, dropped passes, and just a plain look of shittiness come over Erik Ainge. (Nice toss to the D-line from the endzone idiot.) Anyway, Rick Clowson (sic) came in and that’s when LSU, apparently, got really scared. He took his pussy ass arm and led UT to 5 scores, showing that he had no fear in Death Valley and that the Tigers are far from the total badass group they have been in recent years. Ole Miss isn’t worth talking about. Phat Phil got rewarded with a hefty serving of pig slop after Monday’s win. I just came up with a great name for a restaurant if he opened one…how does “Fulmer’s Feedbag” grab you? I know I’m hungry….

Cash in the Season 6

DON’T CASH IN THE FOOD STAMPS 40

Arkansas – OFF

ML

Are we sure Matt Jones doesn’t have another year of eligibility?

EGM

Even an off week can’t wash the shit off this team.

CB

This is one of the badass teams that proves that Alabama is good right? I’m going with OFF this week by 20.

Georgia – OFF

ML

Whoa man….the clubs are gonna be like…so stacked this week….I’m stoked

EGM

I’m sure The Shocker is using the off week to hit the books…

CB

Thank God America gets a short reprieve from the Shocker…

Kentucky – OFF

ML

During their 2^nd half “comeback” Kentucky may have found their best QB since Pookie Jones

EGM

Rich Brooks is the king of rebuilding.

CB

Hahahahahahahahahaha…. nice come back … fuckers.

South Florida at Miami

ML

Can I petition USF to get them to change their name to something like SUFL-Tampa. I don’t appreciate my home area being linked to North Cuba in any way. However, there are some striking similarities between these two institutions. All the students were rejected from UF, they typically fill up half their stadiums, the only difference is the Canes don’t ruin the field for the NFL team in the same town. The Marleeeeeeeeeens take care of that for the Dolphins. The CoCanes had their typical solid errrrrr boring victory against the Rocky Mountain Rapists and now await this brand of upstarts looking to build on their stunning upset and make their way in the state that rules college football. That would be a good title to their recruiting video. Unfortunately for USF, Louisville is still a basketball school, and Miami is not.

BULLShit 9

Ese’s 31

EGM

Miami should destroy USF. That’s my initial thought and apparently looking at the line it is also everyone else’s thought. USF played the perfect game against Louisville but the Cokehead defense is much stronger. I don’t think USF will be able to handle the relentless defensive pressure and nonstop bass music.

Tased and confused 3

I’ll do ANYTHING for a line 41

CB

Well, well…USF isn’t as shitty as everyone thought… or maybe Louisville is worse. The Bulls beat a top 10 team last week, which is more than Mee-ami can say, so now the question is, will the Cubans from Tampa be susceptible to the Cocaine lifestyle that is so rampant to their brethren in the true “South Florida”? This will be a nice battle between the Hispanic populations in the FL for control of all of the drug trafficking in the state…The Bulls better be careful…those Miamians know how to use a chainsaw…

How ‘bout a nice cee-gar 17

How ‘bout a Columbian necktie 22

Syracuse at Florida State

ML

Syracuse returns to FSU for the first time since that monsoon game when they smashed Marvin Graves and Qadry Ismail. Is Paul Pasqualoni still their coach, or did they finally send that ginny off to sleep with the fishes? If so, I’m sad, his last name was most enjoyable to pronounce, especially with an exaggerated Sicilian accent. Anyway, I see Drew Weatherford handing the ball off enough to make Da Cuse wish they stayed in the Big East.

Can Hakim Warrick play football? 6

Criminole$ 28

EGM

Amazingly no Criminole players were arrested last week. But I figure its just a matter of time with this group. Syracuse is terrible and have no chance of scoring against this defense but at least they don’t have a miserable winter to look forward …

What kind of oranges grow in NY? 6

Jeff Bowden still suXXX 29

CB

The ‘Cuse is looking to get bitch slapped by the ACC this year…and pretty much everyone else. Too bad this isn’t in the Carrier Dome where we could at least look forward to a chance that Leon Washington or Lo Booker would tear their knees up … now all we’ve got is a possibility of seeing Xavier Lee crying on the sideline … well I think you would cry too if you were riding the pine behind Drew Weatherford….

Da Cuse 3

FSU 30

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 31 8 79

El Gran Mono 31 8 79

Malt Licker 29 10 74

Bamer Jokes galore

There was an ex Alabama cheerleader who got tired of everyone making fun of her so one night she decided to memorize every capitol of every state. The next day when she was at work, some Auburn grads were making fun of her. She march right up to them and said, "I resent being made fun of so I did something that no one would do. I memorized every capitol of every state. One of the Auburn grads did not believe her so she said, "Try me." "OK," said the Auburn grad, "what is the capitol of Wyoming?" She smiled and said, "W."

Two Alabama grads go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Alabama grad turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"The other Alabama grad says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

There were three Alabama grads on a island. They find a magic lamp and are each granted 1 one wish. One Alabama grad says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie grants his wish, the Alabama grad builds a rowboat and rows to shore. The second Alabama grad says "I wish I was 100 times smarter." The genie grants his wish, he builds a motor boat and gets to shore. The third Alabama grad says "I wish I was a million times smarter." The genie grants his wish, *POOF*, he turns into a Florida grad and he walks across the bridge.

Addai

Take a look at how many carries Addai had last night and you will see why LSU lost.

Even the announcers were wondering why he was not getting the ball. I guess Les Miles is prioritizing JarJarMarcus forcing the ball downfield 20 times a game.

Bama joke

Courtesy of Cuzzin' Bailey

What do a pound of maggots and a Bama fan have in common?

Both can live off a dead Bear for years.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV (w/ addendum)

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Talk about a week to celebrate. First the Gators unload on UT and shut their bitch-asses down, and then we learn that there must have been a mistake, and they said that El Gran Mono passed his bar exam! I’m kidding of course, there was no mistake, he must have blown who ever was in charge. Good job duder, I’m sure with a crew like us, we’re all gonna need a good (cheap) lawyer on retainer. Much to the chagrin of most bar owners in our nation’s Capitol, Cuzzin’ Bailey didn’t go psycho at the bars. Maybe I’ve turned over a new leaf of sobriety (as I type with a hangover). Maybe not, but who needs to blackout during a Gator game and wake up in strange unfamiliar place anyways?? Not me that’s who! This week the Best Team/School in the country travels to the land of blond hotties and redneck losers…Kentucky. Let’s hope we didn’t just scrap it out against UT just to lose to these fuckers on goon patrol…

Malt Licker

As my brother said after the big Gator W, “All is right in the Universe.” That’s right, Phat Phil and the Gay Vol Navy are looking up at the Gators, Georgia, and even Vandy. Yours truly was able to get in for 2$ over face. It was extra sweet witnessing the defensive domination from my vantage point in the Tennessee section, especially with two smoking hot blondes in front of me. This week’s slate of games is rather underwhelming, especially since Rita has displaced the only good game to Monday night.

El Gran Mono

Holy shit there were some good games last week. Miami almost choked, neither Catholic team could pull it off (that’s good for three years of purgatory per player), and THE GATORS RECLAIMED THE SWAMP! The games this week are very lackluster except for the LSU-UT lost tooth festival in Red Stick and Vandy possibly going 4-0…

Arkansas at Alabama

CB

Arkansas got the shit kicked out of them last week. USC scored and scored to the tune of 70 to like 13 or whatever. I hate it when an SEC team gets bitched like that, but you had to see it coming when the Razorbacks lost to Vandy. Bamer made me look stupid last weekend and now I hate them. I was going to use that hatred to fuel an exciting fun filled trip to the hillbilly state, but if work fucks me again, I may have to miss the trip next week. This should be a no-brainer since one team sucks, and the other team has the ability to beat teams that suck…

Arkansawr 14

Flowers for Algernon…. Huh? 34

ML

Nutt’s boys were totally whitewashed by SC. I told all bettors to lay the lumber against Houston as USC can practically name whatever score they want when playing at home. Bama is feeling frisky after castrating the Cocks last week. Maybe Baby Shula has finally figured out how to coach. We’ll find out in 2 weeks, cuz the Hawgs are god- awful.

Skewered Pork 10

Looking ahead??? 20

EGM

Arkansas got pushed around like Paula Jones in a hotel room last week and now they have to face up against an upstart Bamer team. Even Houston Nutt is having problems getting this team to beat non-D-II opponents. In the old days he would have banded together these ragtag Ozarkians and rolled up a couple top 25 teams before fading away late in the season but now he decided to start that fade much earlier. Bamer is on the opposite end of the equation, riding high off an assthrottling of Spurdog. Brodie ACL is still playing, but its usually this time of year that his prayer candles get blown out. Luckily Arkansas sucks and couldn’t win if Bama’s starting lineup was injured.

Pork Sammich 10

No cement boots for Shula 35

Western Kentucky at Auburn

CB

The Hilltoppers or whatever come to the home of the Plainsmen. What the hell is that anyway, just another word for Frattie? Lord knows they have a shit load of them there. This is fucking gay. Western Kentucky, great, grand wonderful, I hope they cash their check in 10s and 20s…

W2K 3

Haw-burn 50

ML

Nice game….Just because you schedule a moderate team like Ga Tech early, doesn’t mean you should play Bumfuck U with your other games. Tuberville should be ashamed of himself. However, I thank him very much for my new Cadillac.

Hilltoppers 6

Plainsdwellers 31

EGM

In the hills, the Hilltoppers drink bourbon, play banjos and make the NCAA Tourney every other year. On the plain, the Plainsmen have temperance vigils, exchange Eddie Bauer catalogs and toilet paper defenseless trees.

Shitty drunk 7

Shitty pompoms 35

Florida at Kentucky

CB

After UK got trounced last week, I don’t think there is a soul in the world that is talking upset here. If this were a Ron Zook coached team, there would always be that chance, but I don’t think that the team that actually held on to beat Tennessee last week will let the mildcats get anywhere near the lead here. Urban Fucking Meyer’s first road SEC game, should be interesting … in that respect it will be fun to watch UF dismantle this shitbomb group of shitheads…

UF BABY! 45

Kensucky 10

ML

It was a painful victory against the Vols, as we lost Bubba and Ray-Ray. I feel better about replacing Bubba than I do Ray-Ray, as Joe Cohen has gone his whole Gator career without making a play. Hopefully that will change this week against Kensucky and their mongoloid coach Rich Brooks. I wouldn’t hire this guy to coach women’s flag football. Hopefully, the spread offense will start to look like an actual offense, but until it does, I’ll take Kentucky plus 3 TDs.

Need to kick offense into gear 31

Tubby porks his wife in the rear 13

EGM

Lexington is a town where you can’t buy a brew after 11, people think a twelve pack is enough beer for eight people, and cycling is a popular thing to do instead of watching football. And that my friends is why their football program sucks ass. The Urbanator showed The Fat One who was boss last week and now everything is right in the universe. KY has no defense and no offense…not a good situation for them…but they can go cycling instead.

Urban Fucking Meyer 45

Tour de shit 7

Wyoming at Ole Miss

CB

It’s clear that Wyoming likes to dabble with the big dogs. Of course by beating up on the hapless Racist Rebels you really aren’t proving anything. I think that Wyoming is gonna hand it to Ole’ Piss. Show the kids from Oxford that they can take their grove-loving, longhaired, suit wearing preppies and go fuck themselves. Wyoming is for Cowboys, and they don’t take too kindly to any fancy boys in Ole Miss…

Wyoming 24

Old man River 22

ML

Wyoming leaves a tour of the east looking for greener pastures in the West. The Cowboys looked like a decent team against my Gators, and Ole Piss lost to Vandy. I’m trying to figure out what race Ed Orgeron is, he looks like a hybrid of all races, like the goobacks on South Park, but perhaps with more angry injun’ in him than anything else.

They took our Lassos 17

They took our Jobs 27

EGM

The Cowboys wrangled the Rebs last year in Laramie. But Oxford is no Laramie, its much much worse. Tons of dudes wearing formal attire with ten year old shitty Birkenstocks and even shittier hair. It certainly scared the shit out Ron Zook but last time I checked Wyoming isn’t coached by him…yet.

Pretty good 28

Pretty bad 17

Troy at South Carolina

CB

I saw Troy the movie the other day…it was interesting. It seemed to me like it was made by a Turk. It took a great story about the Greeks kicking the shit out of the Trojans cause they kidnapped some broad, but what I saw on screen was propaganda to portray the Ancient Greeks as psycho and pussies like Paris as heroes. This has a direct correlation to the USC Gamecocks…They look like a football team, and they have a coach on the sidelines that is pretty good, but what you see on screen is something totally unexpected, as if it were a mistake. Spur-dawg likes to play pitch and catch but on the field, his players always forget one portion of that two part equation…still Troy is in for another sacking…beware of South Carolinians bearing gifts….

Susceptible to a Huge Wooden Cock 13

Don’t worry baby, it’s not as big as it seems 23

ML

Is this Troy State? Are they trying to play the Memphis State card and switch identities? It doesn’t really work. Spurrier has not fared well with the Cocks, as Bama soundly dispatched them last week. An easy way to rebound is with a crappy school like Troy. What…is Brad Pitt gonna be there QB?

I’d take Angelina 6

Where’s Demetric Summers? 24

EGM

Somebody must have a sense of humor. Trojans vs. Cocks. Even a grandmother could snicker at that. Both teams are 1-2 but one of them doesn’t have Spurdog, even if he doesn’t have any talent.

Defective Trojans 17

Happy Cocks 35

Richmond at Vanderbilt

CB

Well unfortunately I was right about last week. Vandie did come through and beat Ole’ Miss and now they go on a two week tear of total craptacular teams. My Gaad, Vandee has a (good) chance of going 5 and 0. I recently purchased a bombshelter fearing that this is a sign of the end of the world, and I placed a lifetimes supply of booze in it…so that should last at least a few days. Richmond Spiders huh? … I knew some skank that went there, I love her…

Spider-sluts 12

Vandi 30

ML

Man o’ man, maybe it is Armageddon. Not only is Vandy 3-0, they are also favored to go 4-0. Jay Cutler actually looks like the real deal, and may in fact be the best quarterback in the conference. Meanwhile, the Spiders will always be remembered for a first round upset over Syracuse during March Madness. If they were to pull off this upset against Vandy, it would probably be the next greatest moment in their athletic programs history. That tells you all you need to know.

Spiders 6

Who you callin’ Doremat? 28

EGM

Vandy just can’t be stopped. The world must be quaking after seeing their incredible wins against Wake Forest, Arkansas and Ole Miss. The pocket protecting geeks are all fired up and there is no way the Spiders are going to stop them.

Arachnids 7

Inland Boat Captains 28

Tennessee at LSU

CB

Wow, LSU gets to play a game at home. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the first to play them at Baton Rouge this year after all the shit that has gone on. The team, the fans and Mike the Tiger are going to be so fucking fired up its gonna be sick…UT requested an afternoon game so their fans could drive home before dark…REQUEST DENIED… Tiger Stadium under the lights, Saturday night… shit dawg… the Vols better bring their A game…of course this is the first test for LSU so who the hell knows whats gonna happen, but I’m sure its gonna be tight…

We lost last week cause our coach is a big fatass 17

We lost our home field for a week 22

ML

Rita is moving this game back to Monday night, and we all know what that means…more grubbing time for Phat Phil!!! I hear he loves Crawdads. Although the Vol offense was totally shut down by our Gators, Phil seems to have chosen the Mormon over Balding Cro-Magnon Junior. We’ll see how that works out against a Tiger defense that didn’t fare well against ASU’s passing attack. Jar Jar came of age, but I was troubled by Miles refusal to feature Joseph Addai. If he does so, the Bayou Bengals will come out on top.

Tennessee – Ancient Cherokee word for “Loser” 13

LSU – Modern American word for “Shithole” 27

EGM

The Vols are suddenly lacking hype after getting Urbanated last week. Luckily they are heading into a place where the home team doesn’t win as much as advertised. JarJar may have turned the corner towards non-crappiness against ASU but they are a PAC-10 team and play no defense. I really like the Vols chances if they can force LSU to pass but the problem is they have to stop Joseph Addai first. My guess is Les Miles will want to distribute the carries rather than give the ball to the best back in the SEC.

Smoky eats shit 28

Red Stick blues 24

Georgia at Mississippi State

CB

It’s the Dawg’s with the pressed khakis versus those without. UGA appears to be pretty decent this year, which is more than I can say about Miss State. Sly Croom could really use this win to be sure that he isn’t the canned after this year. Last year he was a first year coach and solidified his position for 12 or so months after beating Florida now he is looking for a similar vic to keep his ass in that office for another 12. This ain’t that game. Shocker.. I mean Shockley will see to it that MSU is chasing their tails right off the bat and will be “dog tired” by the 4^th. If the 13,000 fans in attendance can fire up their side, this might be interesting to watch .. otherwise, I expect this game to be nothing more than an excuse for a nice ‘cat nap’ .. what the hell am I talking about…

Jawja 35

Mess Stizzle 12

ML

Wow…the battle of the bulldogs. If I were in charge of this rivalry I’d make sure the losing dog was raped by the winning dog. Now that would be fun. When will UGA have to play a real team? That is the question. The Shocker is just bad enough to make this a potentially close game. Unfortunately Ron Zook is coaching in the Big 10, so it won’t be.

Uggggh-A Eat Shiiiite 31

Get the corn hole ready “Bully” 13

EGM

I would rather watch the two bulldawg mascots fight than watch this game. I’m sure the Shocker will be orgasmic against another shitty defense. Sly Croom is black coach in the SEC.

Chino Wearing Dawgs 38

Flannel Wearing Dawgs 10

Colorado at Miami

CB

Miami coeds beware! Colorado’s players are known for their not-so-stellar treatment of the ladies. Wow this is a battle of epic proportions. The Sex offenders against the Drug Dealers…both sides detestable in their own way. But we all know what happens to pederasts in prison right? They get stuck with a shiv in the shower or worse… Yipes, that’s the way the Colombians deal with that problem…they might be on to something….

No means yes?? 14

Just say NO, I mean YES 20

ML

It should be a capacity crowd on hand at this game…oh wait….it isn’t being played at a high school, well then, it might be half full. Colorado was the illustrious Big 12 North Champ last year…whatever that’s worth, and Miami is lucky Charlie “Dumbass Hick” Whitehurst can’t hit a wide-open receiver. If the Buffs can quit raping women long enough to use their stout run defense to shut down Tyrone Moss then they might have a chance to win. Either way, Coker’s play calling will keep this close, angering the 15,000 that will be on hand.

Buffs like girls in the Buff 17

Cocaaaaaaaaaaaaaanes 21

EGM

I’m sure the local idiots will be lined up for the home opener. Come to think of it, they’ve already given up and put the shirts in dry storage. Kyle Wright looked a little shakier than expected against a very average Clemson defense but if the Cokehead offense line doesn’t step up he won’t be playing at all very soon. Colorado is just another crappy team from the shitty Big 12. I’m sure they’ll crank up the boom box and generally reprehensible fan behavior for this one…

Gary Barnett hates women 9

“I think its your cocaine man…” 27

FSU – OFF

CB

Thank God we don’t have to suffer the pain of watching FSUs offense this year… its just too disturbing to take 3 weeks in a row.

ML

No doubt Drew Weatherford will be allowed extra leeway from the law now that he looks like a quarterback.

EGM

I’m sure the local authorities will have their hands full with Fagg & Co.

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 23 7 77

Malt Licker 22 8 73

El Gran Mono 22 8 73