Friday, September 23, 2005

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV (w/ addendum)

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Talk about a week to celebrate. First the Gators unload on UT and shut their bitch-asses down, and then we learn that there must have been a mistake, and they said that El Gran Mono passed his bar exam! I’m kidding of course, there was no mistake, he must have blown who ever was in charge. Good job duder, I’m sure with a crew like us, we’re all gonna need a good (cheap) lawyer on retainer. Much to the chagrin of most bar owners in our nation’s Capitol, Cuzzin’ Bailey didn’t go psycho at the bars. Maybe I’ve turned over a new leaf of sobriety (as I type with a hangover). Maybe not, but who needs to blackout during a Gator game and wake up in strange unfamiliar place anyways?? Not me that’s who! This week the Best Team/School in the country travels to the land of blond hotties and redneck losers…Kentucky. Let’s hope we didn’t just scrap it out against UT just to lose to these fuckers on goon patrol…

Malt Licker

As my brother said after the big Gator W, “All is right in the Universe.” That’s right, Phat Phil and the Gay Vol Navy are looking up at the Gators, Georgia, and even Vandy. Yours truly was able to get in for 2$ over face. It was extra sweet witnessing the defensive domination from my vantage point in the Tennessee section, especially with two smoking hot blondes in front of me. This week’s slate of games is rather underwhelming, especially since Rita has displaced the only good game to Monday night.

El Gran Mono

Holy shit there were some good games last week. Miami almost choked, neither Catholic team could pull it off (that’s good for three years of purgatory per player), and THE GATORS RECLAIMED THE SWAMP! The games this week are very lackluster except for the LSU-UT lost tooth festival in Red Stick and Vandy possibly going 4-0…

Arkansas at Alabama


Arkansas got the shit kicked out of them last week. USC scored and scored to the tune of 70 to like 13 or whatever. I hate it when an SEC team gets bitched like that, but you had to see it coming when the Razorbacks lost to Vandy. Bamer made me look stupid last weekend and now I hate them. I was going to use that hatred to fuel an exciting fun filled trip to the hillbilly state, but if work fucks me again, I may have to miss the trip next week. This should be a no-brainer since one team sucks, and the other team has the ability to beat teams that suck…

Arkansawr 14

Flowers for Algernon…. Huh? 34


Nutt’s boys were totally whitewashed by SC. I told all bettors to lay the lumber against Houston as USC can practically name whatever score they want when playing at home. Bama is feeling frisky after castrating the Cocks last week. Maybe Baby Shula has finally figured out how to coach. We’ll find out in 2 weeks, cuz the Hawgs are god- awful.

Skewered Pork 10

Looking ahead??? 20


Arkansas got pushed around like Paula Jones in a hotel room last week and now they have to face up against an upstart Bamer team. Even Houston Nutt is having problems getting this team to beat non-D-II opponents. In the old days he would have banded together these ragtag Ozarkians and rolled up a couple top 25 teams before fading away late in the season but now he decided to start that fade much earlier. Bamer is on the opposite end of the equation, riding high off an assthrottling of Spurdog. Brodie ACL is still playing, but its usually this time of year that his prayer candles get blown out. Luckily Arkansas sucks and couldn’t win if Bama’s starting lineup was injured.

Pork Sammich 10

No cement boots for Shula 35

Western Kentucky at Auburn


The Hilltoppers or whatever come to the home of the Plainsmen. What the hell is that anyway, just another word for Frattie? Lord knows they have a shit load of them there. This is fucking gay. Western Kentucky, great, grand wonderful, I hope they cash their check in 10s and 20s…

W2K 3

Haw-burn 50


Nice game….Just because you schedule a moderate team like Ga Tech early, doesn’t mean you should play Bumfuck U with your other games. Tuberville should be ashamed of himself. However, I thank him very much for my new Cadillac.

Hilltoppers 6

Plainsdwellers 31


In the hills, the Hilltoppers drink bourbon, play banjos and make the NCAA Tourney every other year. On the plain, the Plainsmen have temperance vigils, exchange Eddie Bauer catalogs and toilet paper defenseless trees.

Shitty drunk 7

Shitty pompoms 35

Florida at Kentucky


After UK got trounced last week, I don’t think there is a soul in the world that is talking upset here. If this were a Ron Zook coached team, there would always be that chance, but I don’t think that the team that actually held on to beat Tennessee last week will let the mildcats get anywhere near the lead here. Urban Fucking Meyer’s first road SEC game, should be interesting … in that respect it will be fun to watch UF dismantle this shitbomb group of shitheads…


Kensucky 10


It was a painful victory against the Vols, as we lost Bubba and Ray-Ray. I feel better about replacing Bubba than I do Ray-Ray, as Joe Cohen has gone his whole Gator career without making a play. Hopefully that will change this week against Kensucky and their mongoloid coach Rich Brooks. I wouldn’t hire this guy to coach women’s flag football. Hopefully, the spread offense will start to look like an actual offense, but until it does, I’ll take Kentucky plus 3 TDs.

Need to kick offense into gear 31

Tubby porks his wife in the rear 13


Lexington is a town where you can’t buy a brew after 11, people think a twelve pack is enough beer for eight people, and cycling is a popular thing to do instead of watching football. And that my friends is why their football program sucks ass. The Urbanator showed The Fat One who was boss last week and now everything is right in the universe. KY has no defense and no offense…not a good situation for them…but they can go cycling instead.

Urban Fucking Meyer 45

Tour de shit 7

Wyoming at Ole Miss


It’s clear that Wyoming likes to dabble with the big dogs. Of course by beating up on the hapless Racist Rebels you really aren’t proving anything. I think that Wyoming is gonna hand it to Ole’ Piss. Show the kids from Oxford that they can take their grove-loving, longhaired, suit wearing preppies and go fuck themselves. Wyoming is for Cowboys, and they don’t take too kindly to any fancy boys in Ole Miss…

Wyoming 24

Old man River 22


Wyoming leaves a tour of the east looking for greener pastures in the West. The Cowboys looked like a decent team against my Gators, and Ole Piss lost to Vandy. I’m trying to figure out what race Ed Orgeron is, he looks like a hybrid of all races, like the goobacks on South Park, but perhaps with more angry injun’ in him than anything else.

They took our Lassos 17

They took our Jobs 27


The Cowboys wrangled the Rebs last year in Laramie. But Oxford is no Laramie, its much much worse. Tons of dudes wearing formal attire with ten year old shitty Birkenstocks and even shittier hair. It certainly scared the shit out Ron Zook but last time I checked Wyoming isn’t coached by him…yet.

Pretty good 28

Pretty bad 17

Troy at South Carolina


I saw Troy the movie the other day…it was interesting. It seemed to me like it was made by a Turk. It took a great story about the Greeks kicking the shit out of the Trojans cause they kidnapped some broad, but what I saw on screen was propaganda to portray the Ancient Greeks as psycho and pussies like Paris as heroes. This has a direct correlation to the USC Gamecocks…They look like a football team, and they have a coach on the sidelines that is pretty good, but what you see on screen is something totally unexpected, as if it were a mistake. Spur-dawg likes to play pitch and catch but on the field, his players always forget one portion of that two part equation…still Troy is in for another sacking…beware of South Carolinians bearing gifts….

Susceptible to a Huge Wooden Cock 13

Don’t worry baby, it’s not as big as it seems 23


Is this Troy State? Are they trying to play the Memphis State card and switch identities? It doesn’t really work. Spurrier has not fared well with the Cocks, as Bama soundly dispatched them last week. An easy way to rebound is with a crappy school like Troy. What…is Brad Pitt gonna be there QB?

I’d take Angelina 6

Where’s Demetric Summers? 24


Somebody must have a sense of humor. Trojans vs. Cocks. Even a grandmother could snicker at that. Both teams are 1-2 but one of them doesn’t have Spurdog, even if he doesn’t have any talent.

Defective Trojans 17

Happy Cocks 35

Richmond at Vanderbilt


Well unfortunately I was right about last week. Vandie did come through and beat Ole’ Miss and now they go on a two week tear of total craptacular teams. My Gaad, Vandee has a (good) chance of going 5 and 0. I recently purchased a bombshelter fearing that this is a sign of the end of the world, and I placed a lifetimes supply of booze in it…so that should last at least a few days. Richmond Spiders huh? … I knew some skank that went there, I love her…

Spider-sluts 12

Vandi 30


Man o’ man, maybe it is Armageddon. Not only is Vandy 3-0, they are also favored to go 4-0. Jay Cutler actually looks like the real deal, and may in fact be the best quarterback in the conference. Meanwhile, the Spiders will always be remembered for a first round upset over Syracuse during March Madness. If they were to pull off this upset against Vandy, it would probably be the next greatest moment in their athletic programs history. That tells you all you need to know.

Spiders 6

Who you callin’ Doremat? 28


Vandy just can’t be stopped. The world must be quaking after seeing their incredible wins against Wake Forest, Arkansas and Ole Miss. The pocket protecting geeks are all fired up and there is no way the Spiders are going to stop them.

Arachnids 7

Inland Boat Captains 28

Tennessee at LSU


Wow, LSU gets to play a game at home. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the first to play them at Baton Rouge this year after all the shit that has gone on. The team, the fans and Mike the Tiger are going to be so fucking fired up its gonna be sick…UT requested an afternoon game so their fans could drive home before dark…REQUEST DENIED… Tiger Stadium under the lights, Saturday night… shit dawg… the Vols better bring their A game…of course this is the first test for LSU so who the hell knows whats gonna happen, but I’m sure its gonna be tight…

We lost last week cause our coach is a big fatass 17

We lost our home field for a week 22


Rita is moving this game back to Monday night, and we all know what that means…more grubbing time for Phat Phil!!! I hear he loves Crawdads. Although the Vol offense was totally shut down by our Gators, Phil seems to have chosen the Mormon over Balding Cro-Magnon Junior. We’ll see how that works out against a Tiger defense that didn’t fare well against ASU’s passing attack. Jar Jar came of age, but I was troubled by Miles refusal to feature Joseph Addai. If he does so, the Bayou Bengals will come out on top.

Tennessee – Ancient Cherokee word for “Loser” 13

LSU – Modern American word for “Shithole” 27


The Vols are suddenly lacking hype after getting Urbanated last week. Luckily they are heading into a place where the home team doesn’t win as much as advertised. JarJar may have turned the corner towards non-crappiness against ASU but they are a PAC-10 team and play no defense. I really like the Vols chances if they can force LSU to pass but the problem is they have to stop Joseph Addai first. My guess is Les Miles will want to distribute the carries rather than give the ball to the best back in the SEC.

Smoky eats shit 28

Red Stick blues 24

Georgia at Mississippi State


It’s the Dawg’s with the pressed khakis versus those without. UGA appears to be pretty decent this year, which is more than I can say about Miss State. Sly Croom could really use this win to be sure that he isn’t the canned after this year. Last year he was a first year coach and solidified his position for 12 or so months after beating Florida now he is looking for a similar vic to keep his ass in that office for another 12. This ain’t that game. Shocker.. I mean Shockley will see to it that MSU is chasing their tails right off the bat and will be “dog tired” by the 4th. If the 13,000 fans in attendance can fire up their side, this might be interesting to watch .. otherwise, I expect this game to be nothing more than an excuse for a nice ‘cat nap’ .. what the hell am I talking about…

Jawja 35

Mess Stizzle 12


Wow…the battle of the bulldogs. If I were in charge of this rivalry I’d make sure the losing dog was raped by the winning dog. Now that would be fun. When will UGA have to play a real team? That is the question. The Shocker is just bad enough to make this a potentially close game. Unfortunately Ron Zook is coaching in the Big 10, so it won’t be.

Uggggh-A Eat Shiiiite 31

Get the corn hole ready “Bully” 13


I would rather watch the two bulldawg mascots fight than watch this game. I’m sure the Shocker will be orgasmic against another shitty defense. Sly Croom is black coach in the SEC.

Chino Wearing Dawgs 38

Flannel Wearing Dawgs 10

Colorado at Miami


Miami coeds beware! Colorado’s players are known for their not-so-stellar treatment of the ladies. Wow this is a battle of epic proportions. The Sex offenders against the Drug Dealers…both sides detestable in their own way. But we all know what happens to pederasts in prison right? They get stuck with a shiv in the shower or worse… Yipes, that’s the way the Colombians deal with that problem…they might be on to something….

No means yes?? 14

Just say NO, I mean YES 20


It should be a capacity crowd on hand at this game…oh wait….it isn’t being played at a high school, well then, it might be half full. Colorado was the illustrious Big 12 North Champ last year…whatever that’s worth, and Miami is lucky Charlie “Dumbass Hick” Whitehurst can’t hit a wide-open receiver. If the Buffs can quit raping women long enough to use their stout run defense to shut down Tyrone Moss then they might have a chance to win. Either way, Coker’s play calling will keep this close, angering the 15,000 that will be on hand.

Buffs like girls in the Buff 17

Cocaaaaaaaaaaaaaanes 21


I’m sure the local idiots will be lined up for the home opener. Come to think of it, they’ve already given up and put the shirts in dry storage. Kyle Wright looked a little shakier than expected against a very average Clemson defense but if the Cokehead offense line doesn’t step up he won’t be playing at all very soon. Colorado is just another crappy team from the shitty Big 12. I’m sure they’ll crank up the boom box and generally reprehensible fan behavior for this one…

Gary Barnett hates women 9

“I think its your cocaine man…” 27



Thank God we don’t have to suffer the pain of watching FSUs offense this year… its just too disturbing to take 3 weeks in a row.


No doubt Drew Weatherford will be allowed extra leeway from the law now that he looks like a quarterback.


I’m sure the local authorities will have their hands full with Fagg & Co.

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 23 7 77

Malt Licker 22 8 73

El Gran Mono 22 8 73


Nico said...

I don't think Bama is looking past Arkansas (at least I hope not.) This is a team that's experienced little success in the last year or two. If they're getting big heads already after wins over two crappy teams a decent one, they should be shot. Plus, we owe Arkansas payback for last year.

Anyway, I enjoy the blog. Keep up the good work guys.

TK said...

Quality as always.

I shall have to clear some time to do a guest spot one of these weeks.

C-Nuke, Congrats man.