Thursday, September 29, 2005

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V

Malt Licker

Well the Gator offense was in high gear against lowly Kentucky, but after the second half, we are all praying that injuries will not be a factor the rest of the year. The second team looked horrendous as Kentucky outscored them 21-0 in the second half. In the only big game of the week the balding Cro-Magnon Pickle Man brought the Vols back from an atrocious first half against Ron Zook’s, I mean Les Miles’ Bayou Bengals. This is a huge week for Urban as the Gators face their first big road test of our Renaissance as we head into Tuscaloosa to take on Baby Shula and Probation U.

El Gran Mono

I thought last week’s games were bad until I started typing out this week’s schedule. At least there was LSU-UT last week to add some competitiveness. I’m sure every Bama fan just winced at the preceding two sentences, wondering “how UF-Bama isn’t a big game.” It’s big in Tuscaloosa because everyone there thinks they have a chance at winning, and that my friends is the sad state of affairs in Bear Bryant Country. In other news, I’m tired of hearing about USF-Louisville and how the Bulls are going to be good soon because I’ve heard that shit for years and I’m still not buying it.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

This is an exciting time for Gator fans. Not only did Urban have his first road VIC with Florida, but now we have a chance to win one that will actually mean something…not to say that Kentucky sucks, but kicking the shit out of a team that got manhandled by Indiana doesn’t mean exactly what it used to mean. Anyways, enough bad mouthing…LSU lost this week to Tennessee which raises cause for concern because it means that, as Phat Phil so eloquently stated in between post-win bites last night, UT is back in the hunt for the SEC East, …after the game they showed he and his wife hugging and this and that all over Tiger Stadium…she was pretty alright looking…bizarre…anyways. This week its time for the Gators to get a little payback on the Alabama Crimzin (sic) Tide….Last time we played them resulted in a tandem of losses in ONE DAMN YEAR (1999) and you know that old proverb…Revenge is a dish best served cold…I’m not going to tell you which Star Trek that is from …oh damn….anyways, lets get it on….(by the way, props to Chris DiMarco…way to represent the Orange and Blue!)….

Middle Tennessee at Vanderbilt

ML

The Vanderbilt Apocalyptic Undefeated Tour continues this week as the hapless Blue Raiders and their huge band goes just up the road to Nashville. Cutler’s passes will slice through the secondary leading Vandy to an inexplicable 5-0 record.

Our band can tour some cool clubs in Nashville 7

Vandy’s your Daddy 31

EGM

This intrastate rivalry is much fiercer than you think…the quiz bowl teams had an all out brawl last year when Vandy brought an illegal calculator into the competition. As for the football game, who fucking cares…

Sun Belt walkovers 12

Jay Cutler for Heisman 28

CB

This is just another warm up game for Vandy before they play actual teams with talent. Being that both teams are from Tennessee, one may find it odd to know that they have only played 14 times in their history. And this being such a special, rare occasion, I decided to do a little research into those games. From 1915 to 1956 they played 12 times with Vandie winning all 12. Needless to say, MTSU was sick of getting the shit kicked out of them so that the scenario, that was all-important to the National Title picture, ended and went on a 49-year hiatus. Vandy has since lost 2 straight and is looking for reciprocity…I can’t believe the bullshit that I am writing here…WHO GIVES A SHIT!!… When Vandee beats a good team, you can make a believer out of me… but until then, they are just the nerds that can’t be kicked out b/c of some charter member BS…. this game is going to suck, like your mom… sorry that was a bit offsides…

Middle Eastern Tennessee 14

Rear Admiral Colon Hunter 33

Florida at Alabama

ML

This game will come down to pass protection, as neither team will have much of a running game. Will the Cryppled Savior stay healthy enough to lead his team to their first victory against a top 10 team since 1999? Or will the Gator O-Line give Leak enough time to stake his claim as the best QB in the conference? This game will be a war, but Alabama native Chad Jackson will be the playmaking difference.

Also, as a side note, I neglected to mention the latest casualty of the Malt Licker wrath. Remember Trev “the Part” Alberts? Yea, he used to be on ESPN until he felt too big for his britches and asked for more cash or something. Anyway, I specifically targeted him as a douchebag and down the shitter he went. Mark May is one more asinine comment away from officially incurring the Malt Licker’s wrath.

Leak 4 Heisman 27

Crucified Saviors 13

EGM

Ah the memories of Tuscaloosa. Last time I was there I tried to set a world record for Gatorade/Vodka consumption before an 11:00 AM kickoff. I vaguely remember trying to insult Bama fans for losing to Arkansas the week before, petting a stone duck and almost fighting some kids in front of me. I’ll try to avoid that this time but any game where two Bourbon Brothers can party together is usually a very volatile situation. As for the game, Bama is extremely overrated after beating a bunch of shitty teams, Mike Shula is a terrible coach and Brodie Croyle will have his career ended most likely in the mid-2nd quarter. Tide fans will be wishing they had Andrew Zow or superhick Tyler Watts after this game.

Gator nation 31

OVER-RATED…clap-clap-clapclapclap 7

CB

Holy Guacamole! This is going to be one exciting ass game. I am jacked about going to the Redneck State, and I’m prepared for whatever craziness awaits me. Road games like this really test the confidence of a team. Urban has sure shown that that is one thing that cannot elude this squad. Don’t be arrogant, just play the game like you know how, and how they have been taught and I believe that will be the difference this week. The Tide, seem to think they are “due” this victory, as if someone owes it to them. They act like they have played with some of the best teams in the country (see: Arkansas and South Carolina) and that makes them worthy of being called number one. Sorry to break it to you fucks, but this isn’t some B-team with a jack hole at the reins. These are the studs of the conference and soon to be SEC Champs. Come on Gators! I have a Saturday night’s bar tab riding on this game…don’t let me down

The Orange and Blue Victorious 31

Wish we still played at Legion Field 17

South Carolina at Auburn

ML

The flaccid cocks are changing the captain of their offense as they descend on the Plains in Auburn. The War Eagle Tiger Plainsmen have quietly whipped up on patsy’s after their opening loss to Tech, and their QB Cox, not Cocks, has not thrown an INT since his 2nd half meltdown in Week 1. The Riverboat gambler’s team may be the dark horse in the west, as LSU has coaching issues, and the Crypple will be rendered useless after facing the Gator defense. The Ol’ Ballcoach is due for a minor upset victory, but I just don’t see it happening this week. Toomer’s Corner will be dripping with white material, and no it wont be from a Cocks celebration.

Finger Lickin’ Back 12

Drink avoiding Fags 31

EGM

The last time Spurdog went to Awwwwwwwwwwwwburn he took it right up the ass. An average Plainsmen team led by 7 year starter Daniel Cobb managed a last second win. TT can’t afford a loss at this moment and that’s when Spurdog usually strikes. AU struggled with Reggie Ball’s passing ability so I’m betting Spurdog is licking his chops. His revenge is just to easy to predict.

Cocktastic 29

Is Daniel Cobb still on the roster? 13

CB

Spur-dawg gets to revisit the site of his last SEC Road loss while he was still worthy of being called a hero of mine. Now I could give a shit what happens to him. Sure, go to Jerden-Hare Stadium with a subpar group of cracktastics…I’m certain you’ll do fine. Can’t pass, you say? No problem…Running game non-existent? Pimp tight. Way to head to a team with so much potential Stevie….USC has no chance here, and I couldn’t be happier…hit’em up Plainsmen….

Sorth Carolina 14

Gonna Beat them Cocks 24

LSU at Mississippi State

ML

Question…who has a lower IQ? The illiterate and ultra quiet Cajuns from Baton Rouge, JarJar “its fun to scramble and get tackled inbounds with only 10 seconds left in the half and no timeouts” Russell, the cowbell toting imbeciles at Scott Field, Ron Zook, or Les Miles (Ron Zook Part Deux)? I’d have to go with Miles. The man tried to call a timeout with 30 seconds left after a change of possession. You’d think if a schlep like me intuitively knows that the clock stops after a change of possession, the head coach of a top 10 program would. All I can say is I’m glad Satan is out of the SEC.

The Next Dinardo? 16

Huge Upset 19

EGM

LSU comes off a heartbreaking lost and now they get kicked in the nuts by having to visit the worst college town in America. How those drunk ass Cajuns survive in the shitty Starkville is beyond me. I guess that’s why they make the Jim Beam “Traveler”…Addai would take this game over if Les Miles didn’t sit him most of the game. JarJar may be terrible but he’ll look like Unitas against this shitty team.

Les Miles = Ron Zook Jr 34

Black Coach in the SEC 12

CB

What the hell happened in Baton Rouge Monday night?!? A 20-something point lead against a team that is playing like it has the crack crawlies, and JaMarcus Aurelius basically gives UT the game. In my humble opinion, he is the Plaxico Burress of the college QBs, in other words, the dumbest person alive. He makes ridiculous decisions and it totally cost all of those players/fans a win. That is not to let the Head coach off the hook. Not exactly an impressive SEC debut pal…way to win over your home crowd…I heard more booing in the fourth quarter last night than at a Linda Ronstadt concert at the local VFW…(what a bitch)…Right well, other than that, the Tigers fans can rest assured that their SEC record will get a much needed W this week…

LeS sUcks 34

Great Team/Sacrificial Lamb 10

Ole Miss at Tennessee

ML

I’m sure there will be tons of references to the Manning family in this game. It is the only thing that could be conceived as being remotely compelling. However, I despise all contrived references targeted to engender a false interest in a bogus game. Seriously, does Ole Miss matter at anything? Meanwhile Phat Phil was probably ticked that there weren’t any hotel rooms in Baton Rouge, forcing he and his team to fly down the day of the game. Phil’s diet needs variety. After 50 tons of Spare Ribs a guy has a hankering for some Crawdads and Oysters.

Hey…we beat Zook twice 14

Will Phil try to Eat Claussen’s Pickle? 26

EGM

Ole Piss got roadhoused by the Cowboys last week and now they get to play Smokey and his shiteating pals. The Vols roll easily here. I wonder if idiot Reb fan is still talking shit about David Cutcliffe…I think not.

Institute of Shitty Southern Hair 6

Rick “Balding like Eric Zeier” Clausen 41

CB

I have to ask, who is Rick Clowson? Bob Davie is such an idiot as a color commentator and I never thought I would say this but I miss Mike Gottfried. He and Ron Franklin were like peas and carrots….anyways. I was taking mental notes while I was watching the game the other night, and I could not believe the crap I was seeing. Overthrown passes, dropped passes, and just a plain look of shittiness come over Erik Ainge. (Nice toss to the D-line from the endzone idiot.) Anyway, Rick Clowson (sic) came in and that’s when LSU, apparently, got really scared. He took his pussy ass arm and led UT to 5 scores, showing that he had no fear in Death Valley and that the Tigers are far from the total badass group they have been in recent years. Ole Miss isn’t worth talking about. Phat Phil got rewarded with a hefty serving of pig slop after Monday’s win. I just came up with a great name for a restaurant if he opened one…how does “Fulmer’s Feedbag” grab you? I know I’m hungry….

Cash in the Season 6

DON’T CASH IN THE FOOD STAMPS 40

Arkansas – OFF

ML

Are we sure Matt Jones doesn’t have another year of eligibility?

EGM

Even an off week can’t wash the shit off this team.

CB

This is one of the badass teams that proves that Alabama is good right? I’m going with OFF this week by 20.

Georgia – OFF

ML

Whoa man….the clubs are gonna be like…so stacked this week….I’m stoked

EGM

I’m sure The Shocker is using the off week to hit the books…

CB

Thank God America gets a short reprieve from the Shocker…

Kentucky – OFF

ML

During their 2nd half “comeback” Kentucky may have found their best QB since Pookie Jones

EGM

Rich Brooks is the king of rebuilding.

CB

Hahahahahahahahahaha…. nice come back … fuckers.

South Florida at Miami

ML

Can I petition USF to get them to change their name to something like SUFL-Tampa. I don’t appreciate my home area being linked to North Cuba in any way. However, there are some striking similarities between these two institutions. All the students were rejected from UF, they typically fill up half their stadiums, the only difference is the Canes don’t ruin the field for the NFL team in the same town. The Marleeeeeeeeeens take care of that for the Dolphins. The CoCanes had their typical solid errrrrr boring victory against the Rocky Mountain Rapists and now await this brand of upstarts looking to build on their stunning upset and make their way in the state that rules college football. That would be a good title to their recruiting video. Unfortunately for USF, Louisville is still a basketball school, and Miami is not.

BULLShit 9

Ese’s 31

EGM

Miami should destroy USF. That’s my initial thought and apparently looking at the line it is also everyone else’s thought. USF played the perfect game against Louisville but the Cokehead defense is much stronger. I don’t think USF will be able to handle the relentless defensive pressure and nonstop bass music.

Tased and confused 3

I’ll do ANYTHING for a line 41

CB

Well, well…USF isn’t as shitty as everyone thought… or maybe Louisville is worse. The Bulls beat a top 10 team last week, which is more than Mee-ami can say, so now the question is, will the Cubans from Tampa be susceptible to the Cocaine lifestyle that is so rampant to their brethren in the true “South Florida”? This will be a nice battle between the Hispanic populations in the FL for control of all of the drug trafficking in the state…The Bulls better be careful…those Miamians know how to use a chainsaw…

How ‘bout a nice cee-gar 17

How ‘bout a Columbian necktie 22

Syracuse at Florida State

ML

Syracuse returns to FSU for the first time since that monsoon game when they smashed Marvin Graves and Qadry Ismail. Is Paul Pasqualoni still their coach, or did they finally send that ginny off to sleep with the fishes? If so, I’m sad, his last name was most enjoyable to pronounce, especially with an exaggerated Sicilian accent. Anyway, I see Drew Weatherford handing the ball off enough to make Da Cuse wish they stayed in the Big East.

Can Hakim Warrick play football? 6

Criminole$ 28

EGM

Amazingly no Criminole players were arrested last week. But I figure its just a matter of time with this group. Syracuse is terrible and have no chance of scoring against this defense but at least they don’t have a miserable winter to look forward …

What kind of oranges grow in NY? 6

Jeff Bowden still suXXX 29

CB

The ‘Cuse is looking to get bitch slapped by the ACC this year…and pretty much everyone else. Too bad this isn’t in the Carrier Dome where we could at least look forward to a chance that Leon Washington or Lo Booker would tear their knees up … now all we’ve got is a possibility of seeing Xavier Lee crying on the sideline … well I think you would cry too if you were riding the pine behind Drew Weatherford….

Da Cuse 3

FSU 30

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 31 8 79

El Gran Mono 31 8 79

Malt Licker 29 10 74

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

ML - What's taking so long for M. May to get your wrath? That guy's horrible! When he and Trev were on the same show, I threw up a little each time I accidentally turned it on.

Also, what's up with some of CB's comments showing up with dark text on dark background?

-Louis

Nico said...

Hope y'all are enjoying that crow you're eating. ROLL TIDE!

Malt Licker said...

I gave him a pass because he destroyed KW2 for his "soldier" comment in '03. My main issue with Mark May was his prediction saying that Bama would win...i guess i have to give him some slack now. I'd still like to see Lou Holtz kick his ass

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