The Champ

After dishing out an asskicking to FSU this weekend, the only better thing imaginable was adding up the picks records to realize that I AM THE CHAMPION. All is right in the world!

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XIII

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Here we are at the end of Meyer’s inaugural season. I can't say its exactly what I expected, but I can formulate a few conclusions I have come to at the conclusion of the year. 1) Spurrier showed that his own ego means more to him than the Gators. I have heard that he was willing to come back but the UF prez insisted that he interview. That pissed Steve off so much he went to the USC Gamecocks. "Don't worry about it" said friends of the Cuzz, "South Carolina sucks too bad to be a threat." Well guess what? So Spur-dawg has spurned me for the last time. 2) while I'm hopeful, I am still pretty confused about Urbans offense! 3) I may not have needed numbers for this list. The Gators will come back, Urban probably has a bright future and FSU is on the decline as long as Jeff Bowden holds onto that blackmail tape that's keeping his ass in business...

Malt Licker

For those of you that keep up with the blog, you have been informed that I am totally out of the picks race. So I have decided to stop being rational, and pick these games from the perspective of a radical liberal environmentalist. This should be fun.

Happy Avian Mass Murder day!!!! I hope all you capitalist bastards enjoy your time stuffing yourselves with the charred remains of your fellow members of the animal world. I have always been offended by a holiday that celebrates the gluttonous side of humanity. How can you possibly enjoy stuffing your faces with turkey, mashed potatoes, and cranberries, when children all over the world are starving? Holidays like these are why we deserve to be attacked. Don’t even get me started on Christmas……

El Gran Mono

Well, we are almost finished with the college football regular season and four out of preseason top five are still there. THE U found out that beating an overrated Va Tech team didn’t make their offense any better than it has been all season. All I can hope for on this Thankgiving week is another victory over the despised Noles and a Bourbon Boys Picks Championship.

Arkansas at LSU

CB

This is LSU’s chance to seal the deal. I really have to hand it to them. They may not have looked like the best team around, and to be honest they played like total shitheads most times, but they managed to totally rebound from the psychotic Tennessee nightmare and beat three pretty quality teams in UF, Auburn and Bama. Like I said with this win they can clinch the West and probably lose to UGA next week...

Kansas loving bitches 15
West Champs 33

ML

See addendum

EGM

This is one of the biggest mismatches of the year. LSU is on fire of late and Addai is still only getting 15 carries a game. Les Miles is taking full advantage of the incredible talent that Saban amassed. As for the game…

Ozark hicks 10

Bayou hicks 27

Florida State at Florida

CB

Its incredible how 5 minutes of smack talk can rejuvenate this rivalry in me. I was pretty much just on auto pilot this week, biding time until Thanksgiving, not worrying about this game coming off the numbing experience of Columbia, SC. Then I had a nice normal conversation with a friend of mine who supports the Noles and his jackass attitude towards his shithead QB and their cheaterrific behavior (see Bowden's infamous quote about teaching his kids to hit through the echo of the whistle). This has gotten me all sorts of fired up. I have had a rekindling of my hatred to the Criminoles and I can't wait to get up there and witness a huge win! Go Gators!

Fucking Shitty University 19
THE University of Florida 28

ML

Now if this were a battle of nature, I’d easily pick the Seminoles. For the Indians were one with nature, and every decision they made enhanced the natural world to a degree unfathomable to the scandalous white man. However, this proud nation has been hijacked with corporate dollars to acquiesce and allow a state institution to mock their heritage. What an outrage! Meanwhile, the gators are an indigenous predator to the Sunshine State, who have made a miraculous comeback after almost being wiped out by the evil humans.

Bastardizing Native Americans won’t get you far with me 13

CHOMP! Those politically incorrect peons 24

EGM

This is the week the Gators invite the scumbags from Tally to enjoy a real college town. We allow them to drink in our bars and step foot on our campus. All we ask in return is a victory and the ability to stare at their hot, idiotic coeds. The Gators have underachieved all season long much like the Noles. The advantage for the Gators is the Swamp. The offense seems to click a little better in college football’s best venue. Drew Weatherford is absolutely terrible and the Noles defense is beat up. Chris Leak begins his Alex Smith impersonation starting on Saturday…

Too dumb to get in UF 10

Smarter enough to take advantage of your women 31

Georgia at Georgia Tech

CB

Look, this game is in the south, one of the contenders is from the SEC, but still this seems about as important as the "Civil War" (Oregon/Oregon St.) I really have no feelings for it. I must say in the past year I have met some decent UGA fans and have had a horrible trip to Atlanta, so I guess I may have to break ranks and support the Dawgs. Or I could just not give a shit. Yea, I'll go with that...

Bitches 23
Crackheads 20

ML

The Bulldogs v. the Evil Engineers. People might think the Yellow Jackets are named after the insect, but those engineers are clever. The Yellow Jackets are code name for the radiation suits that everyone will have to wear once all of our nuclear power plants meltdown. Of course only the very rich will be able to afford these suits. Even though the Bulldog seems like a harmless creature, it has been adopted by the English as a symbol, and the English Empire could be as bad or worse than the Amerikan Empire today. They spread their “culture” and “civilized” all they came in contact with. The fact that they used their mighty Navy to help shut down the slave trade is another example of ethnocentric hypocrisy. This is a tough choice, but I’m going with the Bulldogs and their “blacker” quarterback.

Limey Canines 13

Poisoning the world 10

EGM

The most cracktastic QB matchup in college football history. Reggie Ball and The Shocker can run and throw picks with the best of the them but luckily they have the defenses behind them to keep the game close. Tech’s defense made the Cokeheads look terrible but UGA has a much better offensive line and a more effective running game. The real question is whether the Tech players will be openly selling grass to the UGA students during the game…

I love khakis and blunts 21

I love Calculus and slanging sacks 17

Tennessee at Kentucky

CB

Phat Phil and the Vols have screwed me for the last time. I am fully under the impression that they have given up and they have zero heart. That being said, they should have more talent but when has that stopped them from sucking before? Would it be totally ridiculous to pick UK in this scenario? I hope not cause I'm just crazy enough to do it!

In need of Volunteers 24
Let's hope for a basketball score 25

ML

This is easy. Volunteers? What exactly were they volunteering for? An army that sought to maintain slavery, that’s what. Slam dunk!

Fat Racist Army Recruits 10

Pretty little kitties 12

EGM

The Battle for the Beer Barrel. You really need to drink a lot of beer to watch this shit.

No bowl smorgasbord for Fulmer 21

Already lost in basketball? 17

Ole Miss at Mississippi State

CB

Look, contrary to popular belief, I fucking hate this game. I don't care about the Golden Egg.

"Classy" Racists 17
"Dirty" Racists 9

ML

Another easy choice.... Confederate flag waving Rebels who want to see a return to antebellum society v. the harmless bulldog. Even though it represents the English, it is still not as bad as representing the oppressive hateful South. Plus, they have a black head coach.

Robert E. Lee was worse than Hitler 13

I’ll get over the ringing of cow bells 23

EGM

How the fuck did they ever dream up calling this game the Golden Egg Bowl? Did some Mississippi redneck trip over an empty dip can and smack his head on a magnolia tree and suddenly start seeing golden eggs? I’m betting that is a lot closer to reality than it should be. As for the game, these are the two worst teams in the league and they are showing no signs of getting any better.

Mulatto coach 17

Black coach 18

Virginia at Miami

CB

The Virgins are heading to the land of sin and debauchery. One would think that after losing to Tech that Miami would turn up the tempo this week and unfortunately for the Cavs, I subscribe to that theory. I hate to say it, but the Cokeheads are just too darn strong. I guess...

Virgin Territory 17
Not a Virgin nose in sight 33

ML

I love hurricanes. They show humanity that they are nothing more than little fleas on the back of the Earth. The egotistical pigs burn their fossil fuels while driving their SUVs contributing to global warming. I know people say the sun is getting hotter, but I personally believe that 200 years of evil human activity can do more to effect the global climate than this “Sun” people keep talking about. Stupid humans used to worship the sun, so I refuse to believe anyone that claims the sun is the reason temperatures are rising. These capitalist pigs deserve every hurricane that comes their way. I dream of the day when hurricanes wipe out the industrial capacity of the US, then we can go back to living like the peace loving Native Americans. The fact that they are taking on the Cavaliers, who were swashbuckling criminals, makes the choice even easier. Although I do like the homo-erotic overtones of Virginia’s mascot…..

Pirates are bad….mmmmkay 14

Hurricanes are awesome 31

EGM

I am sending out an APB for Cokehead fans…suddenly their numbers are depleted and the world is a better place. If there are 30,000 in the Powder Blue Bowl I’ll be amazed.

Why do they call themselves Wahoos? 7

Why do we even have home games? 19

If you wish to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, make a comment or be added to the mailing list, please send an email to bourbonboys1865@hotmail.com. Have a look at our daily thoughts at http://bourbonboys.blogspot.com.

2005 Records:

Standings W L %

El Gran Mono 74 24 76

Cuzzin Bailey 73 25 74

Malt Licker 69 29 70

Famous Amos 4 3 57

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XII

El Gran Mono

It has been a long time since I have been this apathetic about college football. The Gators have a bye week and the league championship game is all but set. UGA-LSU, who would have guessed. I figured Erik Ainge would have 40 TD’s by now but that’s just the Sporting News talking.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well I can’t say that I’m not disappointed after last weeks “game.” It felt pretty weird to see Spur-dawg on the other side of the field as the Gators, but his quote after the game that “They don’t own our asses anymore,” certainly gave me some closure. Anyways, I have had enough of the “Spurrier” discussion… its getting a bit old. The Gators are off this week, which is good. Its time they got remotely healthy and this and that. Oh yea, I almost forgot to talk about Columbia. Man that was fun! Jager Bombs galore, couple of good buddies there, including the occasional guest Bourbon Boys the Dinner Cruise Gambler and Mud Hen. We “found” a “new” part of Columbia that is chock full of cougars, not that I had any game. In fact it was your typical away game for the Cuzz…drank a lot, smoked some Cee-gars, talked some smack, horsed around, scraped my face up ….wait that a was new accomplishment! Woo Hoo!, we gained a new slang word, “Red” as in Redneck…like “Billy-Bob’s new John Deer tattoo is REAL RED!” Anyways, not to bore yall with details, but well I’m gonna anyways, I would say that Columbia is the best road trip to go on…(esp. since I have a winning record there as a fan). The fans are relatively cool (that’ll change after a year or so with Steve), the nightlife is cool, (except I heard there were fights in the other part of town), we usually win (of course that’s over), and …come to think of it… I hate Columbia…

Malt Licker

This week, depression had seriously set in as the Ol’ Ball Coach dashed any chances the Gators had at an SEC Title. Then, of course, Auburn wins, sinking my spirits even more. The idea of another Outback or Peach Bowl bid is nauseating, and the realization that there is only one more Gator Saturday had me on suicide watch. However, watching the Baby Gator Hoops team play Wake tough in the first half has uplifted my spirits. Dukey V has just said that Urban is a winner, and that we shouldn’t despair. While I agree with Dukey, his praising of a coach is not a novel occurrence. Anyway, I’m taking a break from paper research to compose this week’s picks.

Famous Amos

It’s my third year as a guest bourbon boy and this has by far been my favorite. Bama finally had a good season and if it wasn’t for stupid LSU they would be playing for the national championship. Well, they should be playing for the National Championship, but once again the BCS will screw the SEC. The SEC is by far the best conference on this green planet, but they just can’t seem to recognize that. Auburn got screwed last year and LSU or BAMA were both a score away from being screwed this year. Enough about that, how bad is Tennessee? Seriously – too bad they don’t automatically get a lottery draft pick next year or something. I love every second of it.

This has been another good year of SEC football with tons of games going down to the wire. I would like to give props to Cuzzin Bailey for leading the Bourbon Boys on the wave of several unpopular Bama picks.

Alabama at Auburn

EGM

Why do they still call this game the Iron Bowl (it’s not played in Birmingham anymore)? They should call it the Dixie Classic or something. That would really piss some people off, every scumsucking race pimp would be head over heels mock-offended. Bama is on a slide ever since the UF game, Brodie ACL and krew can’t score. AwwwwwBERN is on a roll…

Lovers of Coors Cutter 24

Lovers of Dead Coaches 12

CB

The Iron Bowl…..I would first like to welcome our guest BBoy of the week…whats his name…that kid from Ala-fucking-bama….who I lost 20 bones to earlier this year when the Crimzin Tide rolled (pardon the pun) over the Gators. Come to think of it, I was there too! Maybe I am bad luck…oh that’s rubbish…anyways, I stupidly picked Bama to win last week against the Tigers …and I don’t think I can make that mistake twice in a row. Auburn looked pretty awesome against UGA and Brodie “God I miss Prothro” Croyle, has pretty much done the best disappearing act since David Copperfield’s career after Claudia Schiffer dumped him. I wonder if Brodie was recently dissed by some broad. That would certainly explain him playing like a total beyatch. The ‘Burn is on the rise and if it weren’t for their stumble against LSU they wouldn’t need to pray for a miracle in one or both of the Bayou Bengals next two games. I think that, while this is a huge rivalry, the Tide just don’t have the magic they had earlier this season and Aubarn will take advantage of the lack of offense on the other side….sorry to our guest…

Bamer 16

Plain front Khakis 24

ML

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn Bowl. Whooooooooooooo hooooooooooooo…..Yall can’t come into jerrdon hare stadium with dat floppy haaared boy playin’ QB and no dadgum receivuhs tah ‘fro too. We gonna get buck willlllld and have lahk two o’ three beerz and fuck yo’ sheeeet up.

BCS Bound last week, Comp USA Bowl bound this week 10

Plainzmen 21

FA

Roll Tide! With a bunch of no-name players and one frat-mop-haired QB, the Tide barely squeezed by everyone (almost) in good ole Alabama fashion. I wish Prothro would have stayed healthy, but some things can’t be helped. I’ve been writing this column for the past two years as I looked back on awful seasons, but this one actually feels good. I think the Bear is looking down happy, but he is really pissed about that damn game last week.

Aside from totally manhandling Florida in Tuscaloosa, the Tide keeps all their games close, so I anticipate this one will be close as well.

Aw-brin - 8

Ala-fucking-bama - 13

Mississippi State at Arkansas (Little Rock)

EGM

Any game played in Little Rock should be called the Paula Jones Classic and all the guys in the stadium should be allowed to get “all hands” with the chicks around them. This game isn’t worth talking about.

Blackadocious 7

Nutt in your eye 19

CB

Why is it that every Arkansas game seems like the worst game of the week…even beating out Wyoming State v. Berkeley? Okay I made that last game up….but doesn’t that sound more appealing? Watching some hicks from Wyoming kicking the crap out of the hippies? In this game here, all we have is stupid redneck vs. stupider redneck…huh….I guess stupider is a word cause spell check didn’t yell at me (like usual)…man I’m ausome. Damn it! Anyways, the dirtier of the Mississippi schools against a team with Kansas envy in Fucking Little Rock, hahaha can you think of a worse scenario to be in??? I can’t … I am going to pick the Razorbacks just so I can end this pick with dignity…(side note, this game isn’t even on PPV… I told you bitches)

The Red-est Team in the South 20

God I love Kansas 24

ML

Arkansas picked up a W over Ole Miss, and now they look to stake full claim over the Magnolia State. What an honor that would be….reigning supreme over the great state of Mississippi in football.

Dawg Awful 13

Hawg Not as Awful 21

FA

Who really wins in this match-up? There are no winners here. None. Not Arkansaw or it’s flailing education program. Not Missississippippi or its flailing education program. Nobody watching wins this game. Nobody wins here except the long haired frat guys taking the southern gals to the game.

MSU- 20

Arkansaw - 17

Kentucky at Georgia

EGM

The Shocker just couldn’t dig deep enough last week. Luckily he gets another shot at the title this week against an eternally rebuilding KY squad.

Takin it up the butt 10

Shocker’s last game at home 28

CB

Well Georgia is now given another chance to blow its shot at the SEC championship game. Albeit their previous test was probably 1000x harder than this one, I wouldn’t put anything past this team from Athens. Lately they seem to always know when to lose. When something huge is on the line, its seems, they would rather just sit around a smoke a bowl or iron their khakis for the 30^th time or tell me how good their 1980 team was or repeat to me verbatim the Buck Belue/Lindsay Scott call rather than come up with a big-time win. That being the case, and contrary to pretty much every thing I just said, I think that UGA is going to get over the losing show last week and smoke the Cats. Wow I just got chills thinking about how many hotties might be at this game. Blondies from Lexington (if they travel) and the clubbin’ broads in Athens (tight black pants and stiletto heels are perfect game attire) should be in full force for this SEC East clash … I guess if I get stuck watching this game, I will hope the JP Sports cameraman pans the fan sections a lot…of course this being on JP (most likely) I’m sure we’ll get a full dose of Camera angle fuck ups cause God knows they never follow the ball…

Just another fire hydrant in UGA’s way 15

These dawgs are gonna hump these cats’ leg 35

ML

I wonder if Georgia fans talked shit to Auburn last week after losing. That seems to be their M.O. “We’re goin’ to Atlanta and ya’ll aren’t.” I have never been around a group of fans so obnoxious after a loss. You’d think it would cause some introspection and meditation, REM style. Kentucky fans, you’ll probably appreciate my basketball reference more than anyone. Its now your time…enjoy.

Hoops Springs Eternal 6

Classless Canines 24

FA

What’s happening down in Gawgia? Bubba Sparxx is singing pop music? Is the Shocker back? If he isn’t will the networks blow his back-up for two hours before the game? Unless a basketball game breaks out at halftime, I think UGA and the dawgs have this one locked down.

It’s gettin ugly - your dreams of being a Dawg and gets slaughtered on nat’l TV – 15

Is it Basketball Season Yet? - 8

LSU at Ole Miss

EGM

Yikes. LSU could possibly score 70 in this game.

Bayou trash 55

Rebel trash 7

CB

What do I think about this game? What am I, some dude who picks college football games for a semi-pro news letter? Oh right… I’ll get right on it… This game has history…you know what, I actually did some research about this game, haha can you believe it? I will actually know what I’m talking about for the first time in 4 years … And you know what I’m doing with said knowledge? Out the fucking window kids….LSU is a pretty good team …in the driver’s seat to win the West cause all they have to do is knock off two totally pathetic losers in the next two weeks … the average point differential in the past 3 meetings between these two schools has been 2.3 points … I guess Ole Miss played Bama hard, and it was a tight game for LSU, but I just have a feeling that the Tigers are too much for the Rebels … I wonder if those Racists are prejudiced against animals … probably …

Atlanta ...here we come… after Oxford and Fayetteville 25

We’re staying in Oxford …joy 13

ML

Do you think Ole Miss wishes they hadn’t canned Cutciffe? Several Rebels boosters have been seen trying to get clumps of hair and blood samples from the Manning’s in an attempt to clone another QB. Meanwhile LSU ended the Bama dream with a stunning completion from Jar Jar in OT. I think this was a competitive/classic game back in 1959 or something, I remember it from a “Great Games” on EA Sports. I wasn’t interested enough to play that “great game,” and I’m not interested enough to watch this “shit game.” Cheers!

Bengals sans Carson 27

R Kelly’s favorite school – Ole Piss 2

FA

Too bad Katrina didn’t go far enough West. Stupid LSU and some obnoxious LSU sorostitutes at the bar last week almost ruined my weekend. LSU totally choked against Tennessee earlier this year or they could have earned another half of a National Championship. I know Ole Miss was close to Bama this year, but that is how SEC football goes. BTW - Hey Eli – throw the ball to your teammates this week!

LS f*ck U – 14

Old Piss – 8

Clemson at South Carolina

EGM

Best game of the week. Spurdog gets a shot at a Bowden and Tommy doesn’t need to win anymore after Daddy secured him another contract last week. I just can’t imagine Spurdog getting outcoached in this one.

You know Spurdog can Cockwalk with the best of them 31

Another average season for Tommy 17

CB

The gamblers have Clemzin as favorites as I write this. Personally, until these Tigers beat FSU last week, I had totally forgotten about them. The way they played hard against Miami seemed like a distant memory. USC on the other hand was a team I was following closely and I had marked out meeting date on my calendar for a year… I have thrown away that calendar … which pained me cause there were some real beauties on it…. Anyways… I think Spurrier is pretty fired up after he beat his former team…and Tommy Bowden is secretly getting off knowing that he probably has his daddy’s number now…so with Clemson knowing that hey have no shot at the ACC title I think this cracktastic team is probably just gonna fold up and light up a J …

Puff Puff lose 18

Benedict Arnold Couldn’t have planned last week any better 20

ML

Yea…the Ol’ Ball Coach is back, and it will be scary when he has a quarterback who can actually throw. I heard some jackass say that Charlie Whitehurst might be the best NFL prospect at QB. That might be true…if he weren’t a complete idiot. Can Spurrier break the Bowden curse???

You wish I were Jeff 23

“Didn’t coach ‘em up enough” 17

FA

Tommy Bowden quickly realizes that beating your senile father does NOT make you a good football coach. I wonder if they will go all Bloods and Crips again this year before the game.

CRIPS – 10

S.C. Bloods - 24

Vanderbilt at Tennessee

EGM

Does Vandy finally beat UT? The answer is most certainly YES! The butt sniffing Vols have no secondary and Jay Cutler finna sop them up like a biscut.

Calculator toting jerks 30

Fulmer buyout? 18

CB

HAHA I heard this joke a few weeks ago… this is called the Networking bowl … cause the students from Vandy are always anxious to meet the kids that will be working for them in the future .. isn’t that hilarious? …. Actually its quite sad, Vandy kids are such dorks… Fulmer avoided a loss-induced heart attack last week against Memphis….but that’s not to say that he is in the clear….he does weigh 400 pounds and his pencils are made of beef jerky … Vandy got hammered by Kentucky of all teams last week … I don’t know what to say… I’m in shock …

Heartless douchebags 25

25 lb Heart 27

ML

I was so distraught about the UF loss that I pretty much ignored college football all week, and it wasn’t until today that I looked up the UT score that I realized how close their game was against Memphis. Wow…they blow. And then there’s Vandy, who predictably laid an egg against Kentucky after playing the game of their lives against the Gators. Tennessee needs this win to have a chance to stay bowl eligible and stake a unanimous claim to the Volunteer State Championship. Phat Phil wouldn’t dream of missing out on all the free meals that come with “Bowl Week.”

Doremats 22

What’s the local cuisine in Shreveport? 24

FA

The storyline of the day will be that Tennessee can accomplish something historic this day…a victory over their biggest rival (this year, at least). I am actually pulling for Vandy in this one for two reasons 1) I hate Tennesee, Rocky Top and bald QBs 2) Vandy deserves it after the officials GAVE Florida a win with that horrible call.

We’re smarter than you – 24

SUCK IT FAT PHIL YOU FAT BASTARD! - 13

Florida – OFF

EGM

Urban Meyer meet Steve Spurrier…

CB

Wow. Is this how it feels when your best friend sleeps with your girlfriend?

ML

Good thing we are playing a game this week to take our mind off losing to Spurrier – oh wait….nevermind.

FA

This week, Urban Meyer's vaunted offense clicks on all cylinders and they will lose again. I read a lot of awful garbage from the Bourbon Boys the week of the Alabama- Florida game; I also heard some comments about Prothro after the game. WAY TO TAKE BACK THE SWAMP! There hasn’t been this much online bitching in the GatorZone since Bama beat you twice in one season.

Florida – 3

Off - 14

Georgia Tech at Miami

EGM

If Miami was forced to play defense on every possession they would win this game by more than playing traditionally. The Yellow Jackets don’t have the offense to play with the Cane D. They may bring more fans then the home team but that wouldn’t be a new thing.

Is Ball graduating? 10

Nasty fucking D 20

CB

Certainly Miami didn’t expect to face any real competition in the ACC…Doesn’t it seem like they are playing a home game every week with all of these hurricanes? I wonder if they are going to blame the poor attendance on the storms. I started to say this the first time I was fixing to write about this game, it seems that with Jawga Tech being located in shit town Atlanta, all of the mystique of the psychotic drug use wouldn’t really phase them all that much … but that just really isn’t funny the second time around … Anyways, unlike FSU, Miami can’t just lollygag in to the Championship game… they have two contests left and neither are walks in the park, if by that you mean midnight drunken stupors through Central Park where killers and molesters lurk around every corner… instead these two games are more like jogs through well-lit areas in Anytown, USA. I don’t expect Miami to stumble, but then again, what do I know….

Atl-SUCKS 16

Mee-ami pendejo 28

ML

As Kyle Munzenrieder, Miami student and author of the blog Miamity.com describes on his Web site, "It was recorded by team members who lived on the 7th floor of the Mahoney Residential College [campus housing at the University of Miami] and is about their shared All-American past-time of gang bangin' bizzatches." Or, as one member of the 7th Floor Crew so delicately put it, "We 'bout to run a seven-man train all up in you." This musical masterpiece came courtesy of Thug U. Some people might find this shocking. Parents of daughters who live in Mahoney Residential College might be having a collective heart attack. But let me tell you, this is not news. College coeds performing mad sex acts on athletes…whodathunkit? Anyway, Tech will lose.

Ugly Engineering Girls sleeping with athletes Pi

Latinas and Skanks sleeping with athletes 34

FA

I hope Ga. Tech can pull some sort of miracle here. I really hate Miami. If I have to listen to more NFL announcers blow each other and talk about the U, I might drive down there and take some matters into my own hands. Actually, a weekend in Miami doesn’t sound that bad right now because it’s fucking cold in D.C., but they always have more snow down there regardless.

Gawgia Tech – 21

The U - 17

FSU – OFF

EGM

Good thing most of the players are to hurt to commit crimes.

CB

I’m drawing a blank here… I mean this team just lost to Clemson…I’ll bet there were record sales of Weed in both cities.

ML

Again….What does Jeff Bowden have to do to get canned?

FA

Wow – what a horrible season for FSU. After single handedly shutting down Miami’s Championship hopes early in the year – they start losing to everybody.

FSU – 6

OFF – 13

If you wish to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, make a comment or be added to the mailing list, please send an email to bourbonboys1865@hotmail.com. Have a look at our daily thoughts at http://bourbonboys.blogspot.com.

2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 69 22 76

El Gran Mono 69 22 76

Malt Licker 64 27 70

The exact opposite of how I think

Rod Gilmore is not only a terrible college football commentator. Apparently he loves litigation. Comparing this to Brown v. Board of Education is hilarious. His comment about tobacco is the best part. He must really love lawyers because that's who won in the tobacco case...
I love football not political hacks talking about shit they have no idea about.
This article reminds me of Kornheiser's "unconstitutional restraint on trade". Yeah, show me that part of the Constitution assface.
Talk sports, not stupid.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XI

Malt Licker

Well ladies and gentlemen, after a month of subpar SEC matchups, we embark on what may be the biggest of the year. Intriguing matchups abound this weekend as the Tide have their first major test against the Bayou Bengals, War Damn Eagle takes on Georgia and the Shocker, and Spur-dog welcomes his beloved alma mater to Cock-land. I’m sure much of the Gator Nation is suffering through a major league meltdown. One need look no further than Cuzzin’ Bailey’s takes in this column

El Gran Mono

This Saturday is like moving day at a golf tourney. You have either taken yourself out of contention or are putting yourself in the thick of things. Then there are the fucking idiots who didn’t make the cut.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Holy Guacamole! I knew it was a stupid idea to make fun of Vandie last week. I felt a little nervous, before the game, because they have a sick passing offense and Cutler is the best QB ever etc etc, etc … Look ... they lost, we won, its over, and even though, in the past, I used to not hate him, Shepherd Smith from Fox News showed his pussy colors the other day when he said he wished that UF had lost on live TV. Well Shep, you’re on my shit list. This week we’re playing some old coach who used to be the HC somewhere familiar. I’m not sure if I have heard enough of this bullshit drama…I think if the Gators can get past the mystique of Spur-dawg this game realistically shouldn’t be close. They’re offense sucks and if we have a shred of talent we should be able to shut them down so lets all hope so …

LSU at Alabama

ML

Big time game with not only SEC West title implications, but National title implications as well. LSU could win out and count on some upsets to SC, Miami, or Texas and possibly slip into the BCS title game. Alabama can earn some respect with a victory over the Tigers. Is it just me or are all of Bama’s big games at home this year? They haven’t been the same offensively since Prothro’s ankle splintered like a South Florida utility pole, and LSU has quietly moved back into the top 5 after their choke job against Tennessee. The key for LSU is to play a solid first quarter and try to get ahead by a touchdown, and force the Savior to lead Shula’s anemic offense from behind.

Rattled in the first quarter, will cost us the game 14

On borrowed time 16

EGM

Huge fucking game. LSU would be undefeated if their QB wasn’t an idiot and Alabama should have three losses right now. Everyone on Bama’s team is hurt and LSU doesn’t have any injuries whatsoever unless you count Les Miles’ injured brain. Shula is a shitty coach and has no business being undefeated.

Addai 21

Number of straws Protho uses daily 7

CB

Wow this game could very well determine the winner of the SEC West. Assuming my calculations are correct, if Bama wins, and Aw-burn loses, the Crimzin Elephants will mathematically be the winners b/c that will give both sets of Tigers two losses with the Tide only having one conference game left …but as always, there is a wrench in these plans. Bama hasn’t scored an offensive touchdown since God knows when, and LSU isn’t the worst team ever so for all I know these Tigers may in fact kick the shit out of Bamer….Man I’m so confused … in one hand we have a cracktastic QB in Jamarcus Ru….Ra…something, and in the other we have Bama who couldn’t find the endzone with a ..well shit, an endzone finder. I guess it would be prudent to go with Bama having a resurgence of offense just in the nick of time, but perhaps the Bayou bitches will have their way with the ‘alternate version of Red’ team. I think that its hard to go against the team that ruined my Gators … wait, both of them beat us…FUCK!

Dey got sum fried elephan’ down by da port-o-let! 10

Hey Tigers, We gonna kick the hell outta you! sorta 13

Arkansas at Ole Miss

ML

Man…what a snoozer. I read that the Hawgs are still looking for their first SEC win. Will my boy Houston be wishing he took the Nebraska job if he gets canned after this year? Probably. But if I were Arkansas, I’d give this stud one more year. Teams like these need to be satisfied with finishing a game or two above .500 every year, with an occasional 9 win season, and be able to tolerate the occasional 4 win season. Especially if your fans are either hellacious rednecks (Arkansas), or hellacious rednecks that think they aren’t by wearing ties and never cutting their hair.

R-Backs 7

Rebs 13

EGM

If someone knocked me out and dropped me off at this game. When I awoke I would think “I’ve died and I’m in hell”

Just plain bad 17

Really bad 12

CB

Its hard to find the inspiration to discuss this game but I will persevere. Earlier this week, I was trying to compare two things (I forget what) and someone tried to associate one of the items as being “like Arkansas” where the other one was like “Hawaii” … My response was that “nothing is as bad as Arkansas.” That being said, I apologize for taking up too much of your time, but Ole Miss v. Arkansas? This sounds God-awful…

The worst place ever? 17

Racist hippies? 14

Auburn at Georgia

ML

So will Georgia use the “Shockley not 100% excuse” after they choke it away against the Riverboat Gambler???? I’d bet the house on it. UGA-phile Trev Alberts will be tearing the hair out of his lovely part after this one.

WAR MOTHER FUCKIN’ EAGLE 24

Enjoy the Peach Bowl 13

EGM

The Eddie Bauer Bowl. I bet half the cars in the parking lot at this game have kayaks on them. I’m sure there will be some pregame idiocy involving stupid fiftysomethings talking about how refined and classy these two fan bases are because they wear khaki pants and dresses. Unfortunately, it takes more than a garment and a shiteating grin to be classy. As for the teams, both teams have shit QBs and solid defenses. A solid recipe for a low scoring game. Hopefully the Plainsmen have what it takes…

We use our Cox 21

We use the Shocker 17

CB

This is the point in the story when I turn into a part-time fan of another school just for a day. I can’t express this enough but we really really really really really need two things to happen on Saturday. If one of them doesn’t happen then the other doesn’t mean shit. THEY BOTH HAVE TO HAPPEN. Get this straight you fucking War Eagle, Tiger, Plainsmen….you have no choice but to beat the shit out of Jawga. I mean assuming the Gators don’t screw the pooch this weekend, it is absolutely imperative that you win. Still, just cause I want something happen doesn’t always mean that it will. If that were the case then the Gators wouldn’t even have to worry about needing help and what not…but something that the Gators have going for them in this game is that Auburn still has a lot to play for … with an LSU loss and a win in the Iron Bowl next week means that they are in the SEC Champ game … I think with that thought in their minds (if it works out in the afternoon) the Tigers will be just fired up enough to take care of the lazy loser bitch ass doggies….

Playin’ for the Gators (I hope) 24

Gonna get screwed by another bunch dressed in Orange and Blue 20

Florida at South Carolina

ML

Many Gator fans might be hearing the John Williams’ jaws theme and picturing Spurrier diagramming plays aimed at our ultimate doom. I, however, will hear the theme and know that we are still the University of Florida, and SC is still South Carolina, and we still have superior talent, even with the injuries, and South Carolina has never won a game like this throughout their history, and I don’t see it happening this week.

Gators 27

Gamecocks 17

EGM

The Ol’ Ball coach gets a shot at his alma mater. I am very fucking scared. Luckily he has no talent whatsoever on either side of the ball and has yet to beat a good team all year. In two years this game will be much scarier. Hopefully Cuzzin’ Bailey, the Big Dawg, Mean Gene, the Mick and other members of the Motley Crew can bring home the victory. I can see Jager bomb records being destroyed.

Kings of Jager 31

Dragging their Cocks on the ground 14

CB

What could the prevailing theme be here? As I alluded earlier, there is going to be a former Gator coach on the sidelines this weekend ... and that is none other than Ray Graves!!!!!!! Oh wait…. No, its that other guy who won a bunch and this and that … great …. We must point out these miraculous phenomenal wins were to the likes of Arkansas and Tennessee this year… nothing TOO spectacular …. Averaging two TDs lately and shit … garbage … as long as we don’t get fooled by Spur-dawgs trickeration, I think the Gators should make the afternoon bearable in Columbia for our fans….

Maybe the Champs of the EAST? 31

What happens when Spurrier takes Viagra? He gets taller 22

Kentucky at Vanderbilt

ML

Jay Cutler is for real, that kid is mobile as shit with a cannon for an arm. However, he has a total jackass for a father. Did you see that clown taunting the student section? There are 2 types of people. People who know they are outnumbered and anything they do to antagonize an unruly crowd will just escalate the situation and try to keep a low profile, and those who know all of this and reciprocate. The first group of people never get jumped and beaten to death, and the second group end up broken and bleeding in an alley somewhere.

Hoop Hysteria 10

Prominent parent sipping liquid lunch through a straw 24

EGM

KY is keeping Rich Brooks for another year of rebuilding. Solid move, at least I don’t have to worry about KY being good for at least another year. FUCK VANDY. FUCK YOUR WHINING ABOUT THE CALLS. FUCK YOUR GPA. And most notable…FUCK YOUR COACH.

Roundball season 12

Jay Cutler is officially FUCKING GOOD 28

CB

I’m gonna say it now, Kentucky is going to get totally destroyed this weekend. Vandy played awesome last week and assuming that they didn’t just cash in their season after the heartbreaker in Gainesville, then Kensucky doesn’t stand a damn chance in hell….The only team with a possible chance at a basketball score this weekend will be the Commodores….at least they have hotties …. Vandie’s broads.. uh … leave something to be desired … thankfully that doesn’t matter on the field…

Current Doormats 14

Former Doremats 60

Memphis at Tennessee

ML

It’s a wide-open race for the state championship, and Tennessee looks to take their first step this week against DeAngelo Williams. I actually see the Vols breaking through with a big win. The strength of their defense is against the run, and a running game is all Memphis State has to offer. Phil seemed prime for a big upset in South Bend, only to see his team fall apart in the fourth quarter like he does when McDonald’s pulls the McRib out of circulation.

EGM

Solid CUSA matchup in November. The sad part is that it will actually be a good game. Is it me, or is Erik Ainge incredibly bad?

Don’t call us Memphis state 7

Don’t call us good 20

CB

Wouldn’t it be awesome if UT couldn’t even win their own state title this year… I mean I have already locked them in for a loss to Vanderbilt, so now if Memphis (St) can pull together even a smidge of offense this weekend they have a great shot of just ruining all of those hicks homecoming party hahaha …. Wow, I just realized I’m rooting for two sets of Tigers this weekend ….

No need to be scared this year 31

Nice losing record Phatty 28

Mississippi State – OFF

ML

In honor of Boy George and George Michael, I’m going with Bi in this one

EGM

Sly Croom – Black Coach of the Year in the SEC

CB

I just don’t know what to say…I mean look at yourselves… you’ve embarrassed the state of Mississippi and let me tell you, that is a really hard thing to do. You have an awesome chance of losing every SEC game this year … I say go for it … you douchebags…

Florida State at Clemson

ML

Bowden Bowl….how exciting. FSU ran the ball 3 times in the second half last week. Jeff Bowden must have to do something really extreme, like shit down his mother’s mouth to get fired. Meanwhile Tommy is putting together another mediocre season at Clemzzzzzon. The ACC Atlantic has exactly 1 team with a record over .500 in the conference, proving yet again that the ACC still manages to suck ass as a conference.

Hey…maybe we should hand the ball off some 24

Can we bring back Danny Ford 16

EGM

I refuse to watch this game. The stupidity of Ann Bowden’s two sided sweater and Bobby and Tommy yucking it up pretending like Bobby didn’t take a dive two years ago so The Skinny One didn’t get shitcanned. I bet Clemson fans are regretting that shit every day of the year. The Noles suck and its all because of Jeff Bowden and his refusal to run the ball. Clemson is seriously banged up on the offensive side of the ball but I just don’t see Drew “Oh shit, this guy is here for three more years” Weatherford coming out of Death Valley II with a win.

Crime spree in a bottle 10

Ganja U 17

CB

FSU lost last week…. I think this just a ploy for them to fly a little under the Gators’ radar so when we play them the Saturday right after Thanksgiving (which I will be at), we won’t be expecting anything from them. Oh and speaking of off the radar, where the hell has Clemson been this year? Was it this year or last year that they almost beat Miami??? I swear I haven’t heard shit about Chuck Whitehurst since September. That dude Washington is a “wash” for this week again for FSU and without him we all saw how awesomely terrible Drew Weatherford is….which I totally called since the beginning. The game’s at Clemson, FSU’s coach touches children …. I’d be crazy NOT to pick the Tigers (eerie).

Fetishly Sicko U 20

Is fetishly a word? Right like someone who went to Clemson would know! 22

Miami at Wake Forest

ML

I think it is about time that the 20,000 real fans in Miami realize that they have a heckuva head coach in Coker. I was bought into the hype about Marcus Vick, but that defense totally destroyed him.

Waiting for revenge against FSU 34

Totally irrelevant 13

EGM

Let’s get this straight. Va Tech hadn’t played a team with a pulse before stepping up to the plate against the Cokeheads. The Cokeheads still can’t throw the ball worth a damn but those motherfuckers can sure play defense. Wake brings nothing to the table other than having one of the coolest mascots of all time.

We have no religion ese 24

Demonic yet ordained 9

CB

Wow all three good Florida schools are playing in the Carolinas this weekend. Memo to the Cane Players: I will do my best to find a hook up for you with snow in Winston-Salem. But other than that, I guess I owe an apology to all of those who I steered in the wrong direction when it came to the Va Tech game last week. As I said, I live waaaay too close to Va Tech to avoid all the homers in the area who were sucking the Hokies crank. I bought into the hype that they weren’t just a bunch of total shitheads. Typically the Deacs play one good game a year, too bad that already happened….

Too early for snow in NC? 45

Good place to start smoking.. 17

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 65 18 78

El Gran Mono 63 20 76

Malt Licker 61 22 73