Thursday, November 24, 2005

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XIII

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Here we are at the end of Meyer’s inaugural season. I can't say its exactly what I expected, but I can formulate a few conclusions I have come to at the conclusion of the year. 1) Spurrier showed that his own ego means more to him than the Gators. I have heard that he was willing to come back but the UF prez insisted that he interview. That pissed Steve off so much he went to the USC Gamecocks. "Don't worry about it" said friends of the Cuzz, "South Carolina sucks too bad to be a threat." Well guess what? So Spur-dawg has spurned me for the last time. 2) while I'm hopeful, I am still pretty confused about Urbans offense! 3) I may not have needed numbers for this list. The Gators will come back, Urban probably has a bright future and FSU is on the decline as long as Jeff Bowden holds onto that blackmail tape that's keeping his ass in business...

Malt Licker

For those of you that keep up with the blog, you have been informed that I am totally out of the picks race. So I have decided to stop being rational, and pick these games from the perspective of a radical liberal environmentalist. This should be fun.

Happy Avian Mass Murder day!!!! I hope all you capitalist bastards enjoy your time stuffing yourselves with the charred remains of your fellow members of the animal world. I have always been offended by a holiday that celebrates the gluttonous side of humanity. How can you possibly enjoy stuffing your faces with turkey, mashed potatoes, and cranberries, when children all over the world are starving? Holidays like these are why we deserve to be attacked. Don’t even get me started on Christmas……

El Gran Mono

Well, we are almost finished with the college football regular season and four out of preseason top five are still there. THE U found out that beating an overrated Va Tech team didn’t make their offense any better than it has been all season. All I can hope for on this Thankgiving week is another victory over the despised Noles and a Bourbon Boys Picks Championship.

Arkansas at LSU

CB

This is LSU’s chance to seal the deal. I really have to hand it to them. They may not have looked like the best team around, and to be honest they played like total shitheads most times, but they managed to totally rebound from the psychotic Tennessee nightmare and beat three pretty quality teams in UF, Auburn and Bama. Like I said with this win they can clinch the West and probably lose to UGA next week...

Kansas loving bitches 15
West Champs 33

ML

See addendum

EGM

This is one of the biggest mismatches of the year. LSU is on fire of late and Addai is still only getting 15 carries a game. Les Miles is taking full advantage of the incredible talent that Saban amassed. As for the game…

Ozark hicks 10

Bayou hicks 27

Florida State at Florida

CB

Its incredible how 5 minutes of smack talk can rejuvenate this rivalry in me. I was pretty much just on auto pilot this week, biding time until Thanksgiving, not worrying about this game coming off the numbing experience of Columbia, SC. Then I had a nice normal conversation with a friend of mine who supports the Noles and his jackass attitude towards his shithead QB and their cheaterrific behavior (see Bowden's infamous quote about teaching his kids to hit through the echo of the whistle). This has gotten me all sorts of fired up. I have had a rekindling of my hatred to the Criminoles and I can't wait to get up there and witness a huge win! Go Gators!

Fucking Shitty University 19
THE University of Florida 28

ML

Now if this were a battle of nature, I’d easily pick the Seminoles. For the Indians were one with nature, and every decision they made enhanced the natural world to a degree unfathomable to the scandalous white man. However, this proud nation has been hijacked with corporate dollars to acquiesce and allow a state institution to mock their heritage. What an outrage! Meanwhile, the gators are an indigenous predator to the Sunshine State, who have made a miraculous comeback after almost being wiped out by the evil humans.

Bastardizing Native Americans won’t get you far with me 13

CHOMP! Those politically incorrect peons 24

EGM

This is the week the Gators invite the scumbags from Tally to enjoy a real college town. We allow them to drink in our bars and step foot on our campus. All we ask in return is a victory and the ability to stare at their hot, idiotic coeds. The Gators have underachieved all season long much like the Noles. The advantage for the Gators is the Swamp. The offense seems to click a little better in college football’s best venue. Drew Weatherford is absolutely terrible and the Noles defense is beat up. Chris Leak begins his Alex Smith impersonation starting on Saturday…

Too dumb to get in UF 10

Smarter enough to take advantage of your women 31

Georgia at Georgia Tech

CB

Look, this game is in the south, one of the contenders is from the SEC, but still this seems about as important as the "Civil War" (Oregon/Oregon St.) I really have no feelings for it. I must say in the past year I have met some decent UGA fans and have had a horrible trip to Atlanta, so I guess I may have to break ranks and support the Dawgs. Or I could just not give a shit. Yea, I'll go with that...

Bitches 23
Crackheads 20

ML

The Bulldogs v. the Evil Engineers. People might think the Yellow Jackets are named after the insect, but those engineers are clever. The Yellow Jackets are code name for the radiation suits that everyone will have to wear once all of our nuclear power plants meltdown. Of course only the very rich will be able to afford these suits. Even though the Bulldog seems like a harmless creature, it has been adopted by the English as a symbol, and the English Empire could be as bad or worse than the Amerikan Empire today. They spread their “culture” and “civilized” all they came in contact with. The fact that they used their mighty Navy to help shut down the slave trade is another example of ethnocentric hypocrisy. This is a tough choice, but I’m going with the Bulldogs and their “blacker” quarterback.

Limey Canines 13

Poisoning the world 10

EGM

The most cracktastic QB matchup in college football history. Reggie Ball and The Shocker can run and throw picks with the best of the them but luckily they have the defenses behind them to keep the game close. Tech’s defense made the Cokeheads look terrible but UGA has a much better offensive line and a more effective running game. The real question is whether the Tech players will be openly selling grass to the UGA students during the game…

I love khakis and blunts 21

I love Calculus and slanging sacks 17

Tennessee at Kentucky

CB

Phat Phil and the Vols have screwed me for the last time. I am fully under the impression that they have given up and they have zero heart. That being said, they should have more talent but when has that stopped them from sucking before? Would it be totally ridiculous to pick UK in this scenario? I hope not cause I'm just crazy enough to do it!

In need of Volunteers 24
Let's hope for a basketball score 25

ML

This is easy. Volunteers? What exactly were they volunteering for? An army that sought to maintain slavery, that’s what. Slam dunk!

Fat Racist Army Recruits 10

Pretty little kitties 12

EGM

The Battle for the Beer Barrel. You really need to drink a lot of beer to watch this shit.

No bowl smorgasbord for Fulmer 21

Already lost in basketball? 17

Ole Miss at Mississippi State

CB

Look, contrary to popular belief, I fucking hate this game. I don't care about the Golden Egg.

"Classy" Racists 17
"Dirty" Racists 9

ML

Another easy choice.... Confederate flag waving Rebels who want to see a return to antebellum society v. the harmless bulldog. Even though it represents the English, it is still not as bad as representing the oppressive hateful South. Plus, they have a black head coach.

Robert E. Lee was worse than Hitler 13

I’ll get over the ringing of cow bells 23

EGM

How the fuck did they ever dream up calling this game the Golden Egg Bowl? Did some Mississippi redneck trip over an empty dip can and smack his head on a magnolia tree and suddenly start seeing golden eggs? I’m betting that is a lot closer to reality than it should be. As for the game, these are the two worst teams in the league and they are showing no signs of getting any better.

Mulatto coach 17

Black coach 18

Virginia at Miami

CB

The Virgins are heading to the land of sin and debauchery. One would think that after losing to Tech that Miami would turn up the tempo this week and unfortunately for the Cavs, I subscribe to that theory. I hate to say it, but the Cokeheads are just too darn strong. I guess...

Virgin Territory 17
Not a Virgin nose in sight 33

ML

I love hurricanes. They show humanity that they are nothing more than little fleas on the back of the Earth. The egotistical pigs burn their fossil fuels while driving their SUVs contributing to global warming. I know people say the sun is getting hotter, but I personally believe that 200 years of evil human activity can do more to effect the global climate than this “Sun” people keep talking about. Stupid humans used to worship the sun, so I refuse to believe anyone that claims the sun is the reason temperatures are rising. These capitalist pigs deserve every hurricane that comes their way. I dream of the day when hurricanes wipe out the industrial capacity of the US, then we can go back to living like the peace loving Native Americans. The fact that they are taking on the Cavaliers, who were swashbuckling criminals, makes the choice even easier. Although I do like the homo-erotic overtones of Virginia’s mascot…..

Pirates are bad….mmmmkay 14

Hurricanes are awesome 31

EGM

I am sending out an APB for Cokehead fans…suddenly their numbers are depleted and the world is a better place. If there are 30,000 in the Powder Blue Bowl I’ll be amazed.

Why do they call themselves Wahoos? 7

Why do we even have home games? 19

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

El Gran Mono 74 24 76

Cuzzin Bailey 73 25 74

Malt Licker 69 29 70

Famous Amos 4 3 57

1 comment:

Malt Licker said...

My addendum.....

LSU 27
Ark. 17