Friday, November 18, 2005

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XII

El Gran Mono

It has been a long time since I have been this apathetic about college football. The Gators have a bye week and the league championship game is all but set. UGA-LSU, who would have guessed. I figured Erik Ainge would have 40 TD’s by now but that’s just the Sporting News talking.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well I can’t say that I’m not disappointed after last weeks “game.” It felt pretty weird to see Spur-dawg on the other side of the field as the Gators, but his quote after the game that “They don’t own our asses anymore,” certainly gave me some closure. Anyways, I have had enough of the “Spurrier” discussion… its getting a bit old. The Gators are off this week, which is good. Its time they got remotely healthy and this and that. Oh yea, I almost forgot to talk about Columbia. Man that was fun! Jager Bombs galore, couple of good buddies there, including the occasional guest Bourbon Boys the Dinner Cruise Gambler and Mud Hen. We “found” a “new” part of Columbia that is chock full of cougars, not that I had any game. In fact it was your typical away game for the Cuzz…drank a lot, smoked some Cee-gars, talked some smack, horsed around, scraped my face up ….wait that a was new accomplishment! Woo Hoo!, we gained a new slang word, “Red” as in Redneck…like “Billy-Bob’s new John Deer tattoo is REAL RED!” Anyways, not to bore yall with details, but well I’m gonna anyways, I would say that Columbia is the best road trip to go on…(esp. since I have a winning record there as a fan). The fans are relatively cool (that’ll change after a year or so with Steve), the nightlife is cool, (except I heard there were fights in the other part of town), we usually win (of course that’s over), and …come to think of it… I hate Columbia

Malt Licker

This week, depression had seriously set in as the Ol’ Ball Coach dashed any chances the Gators had at an SEC Title. Then, of course, Auburn wins, sinking my spirits even more. The idea of another Outback or Peach Bowl bid is nauseating, and the realization that there is only one more Gator Saturday had me on suicide watch. However, watching the Baby Gator Hoops team play Wake tough in the first half has uplifted my spirits. Dukey V has just said that Urban is a winner, and that we shouldn’t despair. While I agree with Dukey, his praising of a coach is not a novel occurrence. Anyway, I’m taking a break from paper research to compose this week’s picks.

Famous Amos

It’s my third year as a guest bourbon boy and this has by far been my favorite. Bama finally had a good season and if it wasn’t for stupid LSU they would be playing for the national championship. Well, they should be playing for the National Championship, but once again the BCS will screw the SEC. The SEC is by far the best conference on this green planet, but they just can’t seem to recognize that. Auburn got screwed last year and LSU or BAMA were both a score away from being screwed this year. Enough about that, how bad is Tennessee? Seriously – too bad they don’t automatically get a lottery draft pick next year or something. I love every second of it.

This has been another good year of SEC football with tons of games going down to the wire. I would like to give props to Cuzzin Bailey for leading the Bourbon Boys on the wave of several unpopular Bama picks.

Alabama at Auburn


Why do they still call this game the Iron Bowl (it’s not played in Birmingham anymore)? They should call it the Dixie Classic or something. That would really piss some people off, every scumsucking race pimp would be head over heels mock-offended. Bama is on a slide ever since the UF game, Brodie ACL and krew can’t score. AwwwwwBERN is on a roll…

Lovers of Coors Cutter 24

Lovers of Dead Coaches 12


The Iron Bowl…..I would first like to welcome our guest BBoy of the week…whats his name…that kid from Ala-fucking-bama….who I lost 20 bones to earlier this year when the Crimzin Tide rolled (pardon the pun) over the Gators. Come to think of it, I was there too! Maybe I am bad luck…oh that’s rubbish…anyways, I stupidly picked Bama to win last week against the Tigers …and I don’t think I can make that mistake twice in a row. Auburn looked pretty awesome against UGA and Brodie “God I miss Prothro” Croyle, has pretty much done the best disappearing act since David Copperfield’s career after Claudia Schiffer dumped him. I wonder if Brodie was recently dissed by some broad. That would certainly explain him playing like a total beyatch. The ‘Burn is on the rise and if it weren’t for their stumble against LSU they wouldn’t need to pray for a miracle in one or both of the Bayou Bengals next two games. I think that, while this is a huge rivalry, the Tide just don’t have the magic they had earlier this season and Aubarn will take advantage of the lack of offense on the other side….sorry to our guest…

Bamer 16

Plain front Khakis 24


Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn Bowl. Whooooooooooooo hooooooooooooo…..Yall can’t come into jerrdon hare stadium with dat floppy haaared boy playin’ QB and no dadgum receivuhs tah ‘fro too. We gonna get buck willlllld and have lahk two o’ three beerz and fuck yo’ sheeeet up.

BCS Bound last week, Comp USA Bowl bound this week 10

Plainzmen 21


Roll Tide! With a bunch of no-name players and one frat-mop-haired QB, the Tide barely squeezed by everyone (almost) in good ole Alabama fashion. I wish Prothro would have stayed healthy, but some things can’t be helped. I’ve been writing this column for the past two years as I looked back on awful seasons, but this one actually feels good. I think the Bear is looking down happy, but he is really pissed about that damn game last week.

Aside from totally manhandling Florida in Tuscaloosa, the Tide keeps all their games close, so I anticipate this one will be close as well.

Aw-brin - 8

Ala-fucking-bama - 13

Mississippi State at Arkansas (Little Rock)


Any game played in Little Rock should be called the Paula Jones Classic and all the guys in the stadium should be allowed to get “all hands” with the chicks around them. This game isn’t worth talking about.

Blackadocious 7

Nutt in your eye 19


Why is it that every Arkansas game seems like the worst game of the week…even beating out Wyoming State v. Berkeley? Okay I made that last game up….but doesn’t that sound more appealing? Watching some hicks from Wyoming kicking the crap out of the hippies? In this game here, all we have is stupid redneck vs. stupider redneck…huh….I guess stupider is a word cause spell check didn’t yell at me (like usual)…man I’m ausome. Damn it! Anyways, the dirtier of the Mississippi schools against a team with Kansas envy in Fucking Little Rock, hahaha can you think of a worse scenario to be in??? I can’t … I am going to pick the Razorbacks just so I can end this pick with dignity…(side note, this game isn’t even on PPV… I told you bitches)

The Red-est Team in the South 20

God I love Kansas 24


Arkansas picked up a W over Ole Miss, and now they look to stake full claim over the Magnolia State. What an honor that would be….reigning supreme over the great state of Mississippi in football.

Dawg Awful 13

Hawg Not as Awful 21


Who really wins in this match-up? There are no winners here. None. Not Arkansaw or it’s flailing education program. Not Missississippippi or its flailing education program. Nobody watching wins this game. Nobody wins here except the long haired frat guys taking the southern gals to the game.

MSU- 20

Arkansaw - 17

Kentucky at Georgia


The Shocker just couldn’t dig deep enough last week. Luckily he gets another shot at the title this week against an eternally rebuilding KY squad.

Takin it up the butt 10

Shocker’s last game at home 28


Well Georgia is now given another chance to blow its shot at the SEC championship game. Albeit their previous test was probably 1000x harder than this one, I wouldn’t put anything past this team from Athens. Lately they seem to always know when to lose. When something huge is on the line, its seems, they would rather just sit around a smoke a bowl or iron their khakis for the 30th time or tell me how good their 1980 team was or repeat to me verbatim the Buck Belue/Lindsay Scott call rather than come up with a big-time win. That being the case, and contrary to pretty much every thing I just said, I think that UGA is going to get over the losing show last week and smoke the Cats. Wow I just got chills thinking about how many hotties might be at this game. Blondies from Lexington (if they travel) and the clubbin’ broads in Athens (tight black pants and stiletto heels are perfect game attire) should be in full force for this SEC East clash … I guess if I get stuck watching this game, I will hope the JP Sports cameraman pans the fan sections a lot…of course this being on JP (most likely) I’m sure we’ll get a full dose of Camera angle fuck ups cause God knows they never follow the ball…

Just another fire hydrant in UGA’s way 15

These dawgs are gonna hump these cats’ leg 35


I wonder if Georgia fans talked shit to Auburn last week after losing. That seems to be their M.O. “We’re goin’ to Atlanta and ya’ll aren’t.” I have never been around a group of fans so obnoxious after a loss. You’d think it would cause some introspection and meditation, REM style. Kentucky fans, you’ll probably appreciate my basketball reference more than anyone. Its now your time…enjoy.

Hoops Springs Eternal 6

Classless Canines 24


What’s happening down in Gawgia? Bubba Sparxx is singing pop music? Is the Shocker back? If he isn’t will the networks blow his back-up for two hours before the game? Unless a basketball game breaks out at halftime, I think UGA and the dawgs have this one locked down.

It’s gettin ugly - your dreams of being a Dawg and gets slaughtered on nat’l TV – 15

Is it Basketball Season Yet? - 8

LSU at Ole Miss


Yikes. LSU could possibly score 70 in this game.

Bayou trash 55

Rebel trash 7


What do I think about this game? What am I, some dude who picks college football games for a semi-pro news letter? Oh right… I’ll get right on it… This game has history…you know what, I actually did some research about this game, haha can you believe it? I will actually know what I’m talking about for the first time in 4 years … And you know what I’m doing with said knowledge? Out the fucking window kids….LSU is a pretty good team …in the driver’s seat to win the West cause all they have to do is knock off two totally pathetic losers in the next two weeks … the average point differential in the past 3 meetings between these two schools has been 2.3 points … I guess Ole Miss played Bama hard, and it was a tight game for LSU, but I just have a feeling that the Tigers are too much for the Rebels … I wonder if those Racists are prejudiced against animals … probably …

Atlanta we come… after Oxford and Fayetteville 25

We’re staying in Oxford …joy 13


Do you think Ole Miss wishes they hadn’t canned Cutciffe? Several Rebels boosters have been seen trying to get clumps of hair and blood samples from the Manning’s in an attempt to clone another QB. Meanwhile LSU ended the Bama dream with a stunning completion from Jar Jar in OT. I think this was a competitive/classic game back in 1959 or something, I remember it from a “Great Games” on EA Sports. I wasn’t interested enough to play that “great game,” and I’m not interested enough to watch this “shit game.” Cheers!

Bengals sans Carson 27

R Kelly’s favorite school – Ole Piss 2


Too bad Katrina didn’t go far enough West. Stupid LSU and some obnoxious LSU sorostitutes at the bar last week almost ruined my weekend. LSU totally choked against Tennessee earlier this year or they could have earned another half of a National Championship. I know Ole Miss was close to Bama this year, but that is how SEC football goes. BTW - Hey Eli – throw the ball to your teammates this week!

LS f*ck U – 14

Old Piss – 8

Clemson at South Carolina


Best game of the week. Spurdog gets a shot at a Bowden and Tommy doesn’t need to win anymore after Daddy secured him another contract last week. I just can’t imagine Spurdog getting outcoached in this one.

You know Spurdog can Cockwalk with the best of them 31

Another average season for Tommy 17


The gamblers have Clemzin as favorites as I write this. Personally, until these Tigers beat FSU last week, I had totally forgotten about them. The way they played hard against Miami seemed like a distant memory. USC on the other hand was a team I was following closely and I had marked out meeting date on my calendar for a year… I have thrown away that calendar … which pained me cause there were some real beauties on it…. Anyways… I think Spurrier is pretty fired up after he beat his former team…and Tommy Bowden is secretly getting off knowing that he probably has his daddy’s number now…so with Clemson knowing that hey have no shot at the ACC title I think this cracktastic team is probably just gonna fold up and light up a J …

Puff Puff lose 18

Benedict Arnold Couldn’t have planned last week any better 20


Yea…the Ol’ Ball Coach is back, and it will be scary when he has a quarterback who can actually throw. I heard some jackass say that Charlie Whitehurst might be the best NFL prospect at QB. That might be true…if he weren’t a complete idiot. Can Spurrier break the Bowden curse???

You wish I were Jeff 23

“Didn’t coach ‘em up enough” 17


Tommy Bowden quickly realizes that beating your senile father does NOT make you a good football coach. I wonder if they will go all Bloods and Crips again this year before the game.

CRIPS – 10

S.C. Bloods - 24

Vanderbilt at Tennessee


Does Vandy finally beat UT? The answer is most certainly YES! The butt sniffing Vols have no secondary and Jay Cutler finna sop them up like a biscut.

Calculator toting jerks 30

Fulmer buyout? 18


HAHA I heard this joke a few weeks ago… this is called the Networking bowl … cause the students from Vandy are always anxious to meet the kids that will be working for them in the future .. isn’t that hilarious? …. Actually its quite sad, Vandy kids are such dorks… Fulmer avoided a loss-induced heart attack last week against Memphis….but that’s not to say that he is in the clear….he does weigh 400 pounds and his pencils are made of beef jerky … Vandy got hammered by Kentucky of all teams last week … I don’t know what to say… I’m in shock …

Heartless douchebags 25

25 lb Heart 27


I was so distraught about the UF loss that I pretty much ignored college football all week, and it wasn’t until today that I looked up the UT score that I realized how close their game was against Memphis. Wow…they blow. And then there’s Vandy, who predictably laid an egg against Kentucky after playing the game of their lives against the Gators. Tennessee needs this win to have a chance to stay bowl eligible and stake a unanimous claim to the Volunteer State Championship. Phat Phil wouldn’t dream of missing out on all the free meals that come with “Bowl Week.”

Doremats 22

What’s the local cuisine in Shreveport? 24


The storyline of the day will be that Tennessee can accomplish something historic this day…a victory over their biggest rival (this year, at least). I am actually pulling for Vandy in this one for two reasons 1) I hate Tennesee, Rocky Top and bald QBs 2) Vandy deserves it after the officials GAVE Florida a win with that horrible call.

We’re smarter than you – 24


Florida – OFF


Urban Meyer meet Steve Spurrier…


Wow. Is this how it feels when your best friend sleeps with your girlfriend?


Good thing we are playing a game this week to take our mind off losing to Spurrier – oh wait….nevermind.


This week, Urban Meyer's vaunted offense clicks on all cylinders and they will lose again. I read a lot of awful garbage from the Bourbon Boys the week of the Alabama- Florida game; I also heard some comments about Prothro after the game. WAY TO TAKE BACK THE SWAMP! There hasn’t been this much online bitching in the GatorZone since Bama beat you twice in one season.

Florida – 3

Off - 14

Georgia Tech at Miami


If Miami was forced to play defense on every possession they would win this game by more than playing traditionally. The Yellow Jackets don’t have the offense to play with the Cane D. They may bring more fans then the home team but that wouldn’t be a new thing.

Is Ball graduating? 10

Nasty fucking D 20


Certainly Miami didn’t expect to face any real competition in the ACC…Doesn’t it seem like they are playing a home game every week with all of these hurricanes? I wonder if they are going to blame the poor attendance on the storms. I started to say this the first time I was fixing to write about this game, it seems that with Jawga Tech being located in shit town Atlanta, all of the mystique of the psychotic drug use wouldn’t really phase them all that much … but that just really isn’t funny the second time around … Anyways, unlike FSU, Miami can’t just lollygag in to the Championship game… they have two contests left and neither are walks in the park, if by that you mean midnight drunken stupors through Central Park where killers and molesters lurk around every corner… instead these two games are more like jogs through well-lit areas in Anytown, USA. I don’t expect Miami to stumble, but then again, what do I know….

Atl-SUCKS 16

Mee-ami pendejo 28


As Kyle Munzenrieder, Miami student and author of the blog describes on his Web site, "It was recorded by team members who lived on the 7th floor of the Mahoney Residential College [campus housing at the University of Miami] and is about their shared All-American past-time of gang bangin' bizzatches." Or, as one member of the 7th Floor Crew so delicately put it, "We 'bout to run a seven-man train all up in you." This musical masterpiece came courtesy of Thug U. Some people might find this shocking. Parents of daughters who live in Mahoney Residential College might be having a collective heart attack. But let me tell you, this is not news. College coeds performing mad sex acts on athletes…whodathunkit? Anyway, Tech will lose.

Ugly Engineering Girls sleeping with athletes Pi

Latinas and Skanks sleeping with athletes 34


I hope Ga. Tech can pull some sort of miracle here. I really hate Miami. If I have to listen to more NFL announcers blow each other and talk about the U, I might drive down there and take some matters into my own hands. Actually, a weekend in Miami doesn’t sound that bad right now because it’s fucking cold in D.C., but they always have more snow down there regardless.

Gawgia Tech – 21

The U - 17



Good thing most of the players are to hurt to commit crimes.


I’m drawing a blank here… I mean this team just lost to Clemson…I’ll bet there were record sales of Weed in both cities.


Again….What does Jeff Bowden have to do to get canned?


Wow – what a horrible season for FSU. After single handedly shutting down Miami’s Championship hopes early in the year – they start losing to everybody.

FSU – 6

OFF – 13

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 69 22 76

El Gran Mono 69 22 76

Malt Licker 64 27 70

1 comment:

Dinnercruise Gambler said...

Love the new setup