Cuzzin’ Bailey

WOW, a huge win for the big boys! But, can someone explain why only scoring two touchdowns in the entire game gave me any sort of confidence. I guess we have all heard that coaches plan out the first 20 plays or whatever it takes to get through the first drive or two, and I guess that’s what worked early on…. Well why don’t we plan out the first 70 plays of this game coming up …. I mean its still shitty old Vandy right?? They have the SECs leading QB and a 4 game losing streak. I think it just goes to show you that just because you have the best quarterback on your squad doesn’t mean your team as a whole can’t suck ass… for instance…good ol’ Tim Couch was the SEC leading passer for Kentucky after Bill Curry was fired and someone with a coaching brain stopped running the option, yet the Wildcats still blew. So let’s all just take a deep breath, forget about the UGA win (no matter how awesome it was) and “worry” (chuckle) about the (snicker) Commodores….

Malt Licker

What do hurricanes and Georgia have in common?

They both suck

El Gran Mono

A new era has begun. The Urban Meyer “Modified Spread Option” era. The modified spread option boasts one important statistic, 1 victory, zero losses. That win made me want to gamble my first official legal paycheck away on an all night Suncruz casino binge. But unfortunately the boat left right before the game ended, DAMMIT. Oh yeah, the Vols retired Manning’s jersey last week and Spurdog showed up to ruin the whole occasion. If I would have known Manning was going to be there I would have picked the Cocks. The rest of the games last week sucked and aren’t worth talking about.

Tennessee at Notre Dame

Um I love these games that are just formalities....UT has totally given up and hell, wouldn’t you?? If I were their OC and lost the best back in the league, so then I turn around and see Erik FUCKING Ainge, and Douchebag Ricky Clausen, I would fucking shoot myself. Instead, Randy Sanders has done something that Bobby Bowden’s illegitimate child should have done a long time ago … relinquish his spot. Anyways, according to the newswire, Notre Dame is racist, and I can’t believe that bunch of white, Irish Catholics would have an “ill-will” bone in their bodies…

Tennessee the birthplace of the KKK 16

ND the rebirthplace of modern “racism” 20

Mark May has company on the Malt Licker’s shit list in ESPN.com’s Jason Whitlock. After this fatass’s bogus take that ND’s contract extension for Charlie Weis was “racist.” Sure Ty started 8-0 at ND, but he also did so without scoring an offensive touchdown in the first 3 games, and by virtue of a preponderance of flukey plays. Jason has been enshrined with Kanye West in the Jesse Jackson Race Hustling Hall of Fame. The last thing people like this want is for racism to end, because if it did, they wouldn’t have anything to write about. He also didn’t walk in with 3 Super Bowl Rings and was not pursued by several NFL teams. I’d like to see Whitlock and Fulmer be locked in a steel cage and forced to pig out on ribs and biscuits until one their stomach’s explode like that dude in “Seven.”

Still owned by Spur-Dog 14

BCS bound???? 27

EGM

I am going to say something that will make every Catholic on the planet cringe. Notre Dame is overrated. This is my only chance to say that in the column because the SEC and the Golden Domers don’t match up frequently. The good news is that Notre Dame’s DI-AA defense matches up well with UT’s DI-AA offense. The more intriguing matchup will take place at the local pizza parlor between Charlie “Angina” Weis and Phil “Hypertension” Fulmer.

Chest pains on defense 10

Racing pulse on offense 21

Appalachian State at LSU

I’m sure its just cause they had their schedule all screwed, but doesn’t it seem like LSU is playing a lot of craptacular teams this year? I could be a sport and look up their actual opponents, and probably realize I am making a mistake, but how much fun would that be?? APP State huh? I have a friend who went there, it sure seems like a stellar academic institution…for some reason I just can’t picture a lot of real work getting done in a town like Boone, NC… anyways back to the game … oh wait I was never talking about it …

crAP State 11

Baton Rouge is a big city compared to Boone 45

Good lord…App. St? LSU has transplanted a September schedule into November

Just picking up a check 3

Just picking up another W 42

EGM

There is one thing I know about ASU, its across the street from my favorite restaurant on the planet: The Dan’l Boone Inn. Family Style cooking – plates of fresh fried chicken, mashed potatoes, biscuits, green beans, grits, the whole fucking works. This game reeks of monkey shit.

Home of Southern Fried Goodness 3

Home of pansy scheduling fuckboys 45

Alabama at Mississippi State

Wouldn’t it just be awesome if Alabama picked this week to play another shithead game, like if they didn’t use MSU as a chance to tweak their offense and pick on a bunch of Sucky McSucks? To be honest I am beyond caring about what happens in the SEC West, The Gators proved that against real competition in that division, we really have room for improvement, and we also showed that even though MSU exposed Ron Zook for a no talent ass clown last year, this year they are beyond awful … It would be a bit funny to see Bama lose so they could know what it feels like, but please, these Bulldogs probably get more enthused about smelling each other than playing ball … unless its their balls … nevermind … Roll (over) Tide …

Crimzin’ Tizzide 30

Fido 13

Will Sly Croom be able to pull off a shocking upset over his alma mater? The same alma mater that spurned him for Baby Shula? I doubt it. Alabama better not win by too much, or else risk of being labeled “racist.”

We ain’t Bull Connor 27

We can’t score 0

EGM

Sly Croom is Black and if the media wants a real story they can look into why he didn’t get hired at Bama. Its not because Mike Shula is a good coach, its actually because Sly Croom is black. For once I’m not being sarcastic. I believe in fate….

No Prothro, No Undefeated Season 6

Paint it BLACK mothafukkas 13

South Carolina at Arkansas

Yes, yes, we have all heard. Arkansas is going to play a quarterback named Dick against the Cocks… how clever! I can only guess how many signs are going to be in the stands in Fayetteville…. Oh shit! Arkansas’ coach is named Houston Nutt … Jesus! This has to be the double entendre game of the year, anyways… I just hope that SC gets the shit kicked out of them so they are in terrible shape when the Gators come to town next week... I’ll be there… and we’ll be looking to set the record on Jager Bomb consumption…

Cock Clichés 16

Led by Dick 14

QB Dick is replacing Johnson for his battle against the Cocks, and yes, the coach replacing Johnson with Dick is named Nutt.

Spurrier’s schlongs 17

Nutt’s dongs 23

EGM

Arkansas doesn’t have a QB who could hit the broad sign of a barn. Spurdog could coach up a fucking chimpanzee that could throw 25 TD’s. That’s the difference in these teams.

Getting Cocky about next week 25

More depressing than Whitewater 10

Auburn at Kentucky

I don’t want to come across as though I am overlooking this game, but I have to be honest… I couldn’t care less if this game was just up and cancelled and nothing came of it…Auburn has one duty to accomplish for me this year and that is (assuming the Gators can beat Vandy and USC), to beat UGA in any way, shape, or form next week. Three years ago I put that game in my forefront and the Tigers let me down in a big way… now is their chance to make it up to me … The blond hotties in Lexington are still gonna wake up on Saturday morning wishing two things: 1) I were there next to them, and 2) it were basketball season… only one of those has any real chance of happening anytime soon, and something tells me everyone at UK is going to be overlooking this game for the start of roundball….

Aw-barn it! Beat UGA! (next week) 34

Student section maybe empty as they are waiting for basketball tix 17

The fact that this is in Lexington means that UK will only lose by 20, and that Auburn fans will be relieved to find out the bars close at 12.

Teetotaling winners 34

Teetotaling loser 14

EGM

Rich Brooks is rebuilding….still. TT was rebuilding the first two games of the season. And that is why Auburn is good at football and KY takes it up the ass every Saturday.

We still hate alcohol 34

We still hate winning 3

Vanderbilt at Florida

Believe it or not, I am actually a bit concerned about this game … I have seen a few of those games in which Vandie was in it til the end…I was there for the infamous Doug Johnson “they know our plays” debacle, and we were at Vandy in ’00 when the loudest cheer I heard all day was booing when the refs made a close call in favor of the Gators turning the momentum for the game...HAHA I just remembered this … those dorks were booing right, and everytime the PA dude would speak, they would stop booing, and then when he would stop, they would boo again .. HAHA how polite of them!!! Man I want to go back to Nashville next year …

Booooo! Stop Booooo! Stop 16

Goooo GATORS! 27

I don’t know why I picked against Florida. I should have turned in my picks on Saturday, because by Friday night I had great vibes about the game. We own Georgia, plain and simple. Urban simplified the attack, used Tate Casey and my boy Latsko, and we were able to move the ball a bit. I’m still worried about our wideouts, as Dallas Baker and Jemalle Cornelius are gimpy, and Chad Jackson can’t play against anyone that hits him. Vandy can make this competitive if their paper cuts heal.

Intellectuals 12

Ministers of Defense 24

EGM

Vandy has spent the last two weeks looking for the missing link, discovering a unified theory of physics and not using any curse words doing it. I have one thing to say about that: FUCK YOUR TEAM, FUCK YOUR COACH, FUCK YOUR SCHOOL, LEAVE THE FUCKING SEC NOW SO WE CAN GET A REAL FUCKING TEAM IN YOUR FUCKING SLOT. What do you think about that Bobby Johnson? If I was Urban Meyer I would use the word fuck more times than the Southpark movie in my pregame conference at midfield. The UF D will totally shut down Jay Cutler and his band of mathematicians.

Freaking Losers 10

Fucking Winners 31

Ole Miss – OFF

I wonder if the boys down in Oxfud are tipping their hats to the Notre Dame officials.

This must be cotillion weekend since there is no football….Ironically, the participants may actually dress down for this occasion as opposed to a home game.

EGM

Message to Reb fan: Use this week to reevaluate your life starting with your haircut and your wearing of ties to football games with hats and sandals from the Civil War era.

Georgia – OFF

I have made a voodoo doll to represent UGA’s season …. Dare me!

Keep licking those wounds

EGM

Despite pressing your chinos/red print dress eight times before the game, you just can’t beat karma assfaces…

Miami at Virginia Tech

I guess its just me, but with the SEC race heating up and the Gators actually having a chance (albeit remote) of going to the Championship game, these gay-ass ACC games just don’t have the same luster they used to (I guess. I have always hated them). This game was, at least until recently, the game that decided the Big East Champ, and now its just another speed bump in the road to another basketball conference’s title. Now the ACC has 12 teams and they have a conference champ. game. La-di-freaking-da. This might be a good game, but I can guran-damn-tee you that the only reason I have heard that it’s playing this week, is cause I live in the worst place ever, ACC country…

Cocaine U 16

Undefeated, but we still live in Blacksburg 17

The only thing bad about not being in Miami this weekend is I wont be at the Sandbar to root on Va Tech. I’m sure the “fans” will be calling for Kyle Wright and Larry Coker’s head after the throttling they will see from the Hokies.

Not enough O 6

Marcus Vick…he’s pretty good 27

EGM

Miami has played absolutely no one since opening up with FSU. VA Tech hasn’t played anyone all season. The advantage lies in playing this game in Blacksburg where the Hokies are always good for a blocked kick and a special teams touchdown. Kyle Wright is going to melt down like he just saw the Angel of Death coming out the Ark of the Covenant.

Cocaine shortage in Blacksburg 6

Don’t mess with dudes who castrate roosters 17

North Carolina State at Florida State

I am finding it little tedious to constantly have to use this as a forum to crack on the Criminoles … in fact just today, I saw these photos online of some broads “party” that goes to FSU…Mother of God! These were some really ridiculous pics … you know what? I probably shouldn’t continue this conversation .. anyways, yada yada NC State, going to Tally, “I hope they watch out for their wallets, and their daughters’ virginity” … etc, etc. This F$U team just doesn’t seem as good as they usually are and therefore I guess I’m just not as afraid of them as I used to be … I think with our team this year ….never mind … too early for that talk

NCzzzzz 18

Hot Brainless bitches 27

The scumbags from Tally escaped against Fat Friedgen last week. It won’t be as tough this week.

EGM

Amato owns FSU. He always works them over like Bobby Bowden works over a jar of mayonnaise. Despite FSU having ten times the talent of NC State, they half the coaching. The Wolfpack defense will completely shutdown Jeff Bowden’s “Streak It or Swing It” offense. I would like someone to please tell me the last game FSU lost when Leon Washington got 20 carries because I would be very interested in knowing. Its like the guy has the plague or something the way they don’t use him.

We can make our hands look like little wolves 21

We can chop our arms like we are masturbating 10

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 59 16 79

El Gran Mono 57 18 76

Malt Licker 56 19 75