El Gran Mono
After a whirlwind voyage to Columbia last weekend, things have gone on high alert for both the Gator offense and the world of civil litigation. To say the least, neither of them is very fun to watch. To make things worse, this week in football completely blows. It was nice of the NCAA to add a 12th game so all of the big name teams could tune up against the Sun WAC Belt.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
I know you all have been waiting for the Mississippi State/Arkansas game all year, but try and keep it down. This weekend’s highlight game is in Oxford, MS. The Rebs are favored as the mighty Bayou Bengals come into town and I know its gonna be electric. Its definitely football weather up there, and hopefully the chandeliers in the Grove will be rattling from all the noise after the Rebels pound the Tigers. On a completely different subject, I hope you all have been diligently watching the WWII documentary series on History Channel this week. A good friend of mine recommended it on Facebook and I haven’t been able to turn it off since. Anyways the top teams in the SEC have virtual bye weeks before their end of the year rivalries, and even those two games next week aren’t nearly as important as the one the week after that! Still lots to accomplish and take care of before the SEC Championship Game, starting with these scrimmages…
Malt Licker
It’s mid November, and that means its time for a visit to Cupcake City for the Gators. Maybe we’ll actually score more than 30 this week. All bitterness aside, I think the Gator Nation needs to calm down. Urban and his boys have won 20 in a row, and this senior class is on the cusp of a 3rd SEC and National Title. With that said, it would be nice to see Tebow look at someone other than his roommate on a streak and A-Hern on a shovel. Anyway, I loved the reunion with EGM and others in Columbia. After 96 hours, I have finally enjoyed a solid bowel movement….
Chattanooga at Alabama (NL), 12:20pm
EGM
TO went to Chattanooga. He no longer plays there. If you are interested in anything remotely related to “Chattanooga” this weekend, then I suggest you read a book about the battle.
University of Tennessee AT Chattanooga 0
Bamer 45
CB
Nooooooooooga 3.2
Bama! 51
ML
Mocs 2
Tide 41
Mississippi State at Arkansas (-10.5), 12:21pm
ML
Speaking of Bowel Movements, MSU heads up the road to Arky-saw in the battle to stay out of the SEC West cellar. The Bulldogs may be looking ahead toward the battle of the Golden Egg, and the state of Arkansas may be looking ahead toward a 50% literacy rate! It seems like the Hawgs have a ton more talent. They should roll….
Doggies 14
Hoggies 34
EGM
Dawgs 13
Hawgs 31
CB
Ugh, Starkville 17
Ugh, Fayetteville 28
FIU at Florida (-43.5), 12:30pm
CB
I was going to talk about this game metaphorically by referencing some of the Battles I saw on TV this week, but I don’t think that would be appropriate or accurate as this game, by football game standards, won’t have any real intensity or challenge. There is one thing I can mention that has been on my mind since I saw (or should I say acknowledged) that FIU was on our schedule, and that is the infamous brawl that occurred a three years ago. If you don’t remember, look it up on Wikipedia…yea, its there. These FIU players with the help of the scUMbag Canes guys had it out on the field in Braveheart fashion. Some of the images that stick out in my head are: the Canes player that swung his helmet and the “stomper” (UM dude who was literally stomping and FIU player). Now I know that Randy Shannon is a no-nonsense kind of ….wait what am I talking about?…Anyways, this game is clearly bothering me because I haven’t said one damn word about it. All I know is, FIU has supplanted USF as the “red-headed stepchild” of the State, and all it takes is a little of that insecurity to show through and we could be looking at an ugly game on their part. I know we have too much discipline to fall into an all out fight, and our eye-gouging strategy has been exposed, so I guess we’ll just have to whoop some ass letting Johnny Brantley come in, in the 2nd quarter with Carte Blanche to toss the rock all over the Panthers’ secondary. The spread is a big number, and the way the Gators have been playing lately only a fool would pick them to cover, but I like UF big regardless…
I’m Sorry I had a Fight in the Middle of your Black Panther Party 9
Focused Gators 45
EGM
Golden Panteros 3
Caimanes 56
ML
Panteros de Oro 3
Gators de Pantano 49
LSU at Ole Miss (-3.5), 3:30pm
EGM
The Rebs are almost impossible to decipher. But since they have decided to go with the 100% McCluster based offense they have started to move the ball consistently. It’s a good thing they found that direction because Snead is terrible. I’d avoid whatever “meat market” was serving up cutlets of Jevan. The Tigers really have nothing to stand on when it comes to offense these days. Chuck Scott is out and Jarrett Lee could be behind center. Regardless of how fast LSU’s defense may be, I just can’t get behind the Cajuns woeful offense. This game’s status as “SEC Game of the week makes me want to vomit up used syringes.
Tigers 13
Pississippi 20
CB
LSU Bleauxs 20
Hotty Toddy 22
ML
LSU 34
Ole Piss 33
Vanderbilt at Tennessee (-17), 7:00pm
EGM
The battle for State of Tennessee has never looked worse. Vandy is atrocious on both sides of the ball and really has no chance of scoring against the Vols defense or stopping their running attack. Perhaps we could just lessen the two teams’ carbon footprint and call this one at 17-3 Vols. Or maybe in the guise of all things Copenhagen Accord, UT could give some of their talented players to Vandy and drop the final score to 17-14. Sounds equitable, right? Equitable like prison rape.
Commodes 3
Vols 24
CB
Von Vandersbilt 10
Lane’s Thugs 30
ML
Tennessee Dorks 13
Tennessee Armed Robbers 23
Kentucky at Georgia -8, 7:45
CB
Maybe its just the fact that I know that Calipari is a total scumbag when it comes to recruiting but I just don’t trust the kids he’s got on the court now. Sorry, I was just watching a little of the Cats on the hardwood and that thought came over me and I started to suspect even the kids that were already on scholarship of being dirty. And we all know that Billy Gillespie wasn’t cheating because if he was, he probably wouldn’t have gotten fired! Speaking of Football, how unimpressed with Richt are you? He’s had plenty of talent over the years and this year with arguably the best receiver in the SEC and a senior Quarterback, the Dawgs are just God awful. Now the question is, are they bad enough to lose to the football Kats? I say no, I mean come on, who’s that bad?
Krappy Kensucky Kats 16
Dawgs are Better, just a little bit 32
EGM
Kats 13
Dawgs 28
ML
‘Sucky 13
Jawja 31
Oregon at Zona (+6), 8
ML
Both these teams control their destiny. If Oregon wins out, they earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl since Rich Brooks faced Joe-Pa in 1995. If the Desert Cats can win out, they will earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl…Ever. That’s right, they are the only Pac-10 team to have never played in the Rose Bowl. If they wish to break that trend, they need to slow down OU’s 6th ranked rushing offense and Jeremiah Masoli, the Stocky Samoan. The Cats have a pretty good QB of their own in Nick Foles, who sports a 70% completion percentage. Can Mike Stoops pull off the upset and save his job? Does Jim Leavitt mind that he stole his hairdo? Does anyone care?
Fighting Quacks 27
Fighting Lutes 17
EGM
Ducks 45
Zona 41
CB
Punchy 42
Zoner 23
Auburn - OFF
CB
OH MAN do I hate Auburn! Have you ever been there as an opposing fan? They aren’t like “get in your face” assholes, but they do that whole thing where they come up to you and slap you in your face with their bangs and act like they team ain’t gotta prayer; their faux-humility is disgusting. Sorry, we aren’t even playing them this year, and I can’t control my contempt.
South Carolina - OFF
ML
Man, I love Columbia. I guarantee that town has the lowest church to bar ratio of any city in the Southeast. Can’t wait to go back to the Stayhard Suites in 2011.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week XI
Malt Licker
HIGH OCTANE WEEKEND!!!! Two thirds of Mono, Licker & Bailey will be reuniting in the Palmetto State, to witness the Gators ascension to 10-0 and corresponding victimization of the Ol’ Ball Coach and his drunken Quarterback. I’m not sure what CB’s excuse is, but I’m sure it is lame. I just heard New Keys is among 3 Vol Freshmen arrested for armed robbery. I have tomorrow off and it’s been a while, so forgive me for my giddiness, this week’s edition has stream of consciousness written all over it. Call me Kerouac…..
El Gran Mono
Its late Thursday evening and I have Carolina (and shitty Alex Smith) on my mind. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to join the Licker in Five Points until late tomorrow due to deposition obligations. Why would anyone schedule a deposition on a roady day? Not everyone has SEC football priorities I guess. Perhaps we can incorporate football travel into the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure in order to accommodate the litigators of the south. However, they should probably work on getting some decent officials before moving the Supreme Court for Rules amendments…
Cuzzin’ Bailey
As I watch USF do its best to keep itself out of this Thursday night game, I am happy to report that the time for the Gators 10th win of the season is almost upon us. Its graciously fitting that we go for this victory against the man that made 10-win seasons at UF a conceivable goal. Last week UF took it easy on a hapless Vanderbilt team, hopefully saving their best for last (or at least the last few weeks). Sorry this is so bland, but watching the Tampa Bulls v. the New Jersey Rutgers is really bringing me down. Maybe a rerun of NCIS will get me in the mood for writing about football? I don’t know what I’m talking about. Btw, I think the World Series of Poker is over, THANK GOD… On an unrelated note (if you can believe it), I’m watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure now, I think the guy that played Napoleon did a great job, but I don’t understand why Lincoln even went to the costume picture place or why Beethoven was arrested for playing music…anyways while you contemplate that shit, on to the picks!!
Tennessee at Ole Miss (-5), 12:00pm EGM
EGM
There is no way Ole Miss should be favored against any team other than Vanderbilt or Kentucky. I understand that people think Lane Kiffin is stupid but has anyone ever considered it’s a charade? The Vols actually have things moving in the right direction these days (I never thought I’d write that this year). They run the ball well and only put their QB in “Bama situations”, i.e PA passes and bootlegs. Of course, this limits their offense and makes it very difficult to come back in games. That said, Ole Miss is a bigger farce than man-made climate change. They play half-ass defense but they can’t score against any team with a pulse. The Vols may have a decimated krewe of LBs but the rest of their unit is very solid. This could be an instant replay of the Ole Piss-Cocks matchup.
Armed Robbers 17
Easily Stolen Wallets 10
ML
Stick ‘em up 9
Rebz 21
CB
Trying to Score some “New Keys” 23
Capitalize on some opposing distraction? 26
Kentucky at Vanderbilt (+3), 12:20
EGM
Easily the least interesting matchup in the SEC from year to year with the possible exception of Piss State-Vandy. It appears Rich Brooks is once again “rebuilding” from his self-inflicted poor coaching/recruiting disaster. He’s also incorporating a heavy amount of wildcat into their offensive schemes. Meanwhile, coach-in-waiting Joker Phillips is dreading the reconstruction of the rebuilding effort. Confusing isn’t it? What’s not confusing is the fact that Vandy completely sucks.
Kats 31
Commodes 9
ML
‘Tucky 24
‘Bilt 20
CB
Don’t be so Kensucky 24
Fine School, Awful Football 17
Florida at South Carolina (+15), 3:30
ML
Yea daddy!!! Staying downtown….drunk at 3pm….Group Therapy…reunited…five points….qb dive…..Ball coach throwin’ visors….Garcia sweatin’ Gin….Tebow praisin’ the lord…turnovers galore. It seems like we’ve been playing better on the road than at home. I see this trend continuing and a big victory in cock-land. I think SC is trying some sort of camo-uniforms in honor of Vet’s day. None of that matters, I’ll be trying the limits of my liver in honor of Vet’s day.
UF 38
SC 10
EGM
The Gators offense drives a man to drink even the crappiest of whiskey. So much talent, such poor playcalling and execution. Their defense is awesome and keeps them in every game. I’m just glad Houston, Cincy, or FSU w/ Christian Ponder is not on the schedule. Those high scoring teams would have a great shot of winning. I really can’t wait to be in Columbia and sitting in Group Therapy with a Knob Creek in my hand talking football with the Licker and other fellow studs. Spurdog makes me nervous, but Stephen Garcia does not. His penchant for frustration will lead to at least one pick six. The Cocks defense is good but they won’t be able to withstand several turnovers and long weathering drives. Another Columbia notch in the belt…
Gators 31
Cocks 10
CB
Spurrier “announced” that he would probably be a Cock until 2011. HAHA, I just read that, I’ll bet there are plenty of UT and UGA fans out there saying, “its about time!” Anyways, presuming he was referring to his coaching tenure at USC, I think its great that he was pressured by the media into making such an announcement and hopefully he will retire with dignity and plenty of wins against everyone but us. I was looking at this game, and I was trying to figure out which of Meyer’s two trips to Columbia did this remind me of…2005 (I was there, sort of) and we lost by not blocking and allowing the Cocks to pressure us way too much; or 2007 Tebow accounted for 7 touchdowns on his way to winning the Heisman. After that thoughtful, in-depth analysis, I think I’m gonna go wild-card on yall and claim that our DEFENSE will be the main factor. I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Cuzzin, how can you go on such crazy limb like that??!” But it’s true, the Gators have a really really really good defense this year. Look for Garcia (USC’s QB) to feel the heat early on and for Spurrier’s stubbornness continue sending in pass plays that will set us up for a multi-pick game…
Cawks 10
GATORS! 30
Auburn at Georgia (-4.5), 7:00pm
ML
Man…what an anti-climax. I remember, during the era of Zook, when this game had SEC Title game implications. The winner of this game has the inside track on the Peach Bowl. I’d rather eat head cheese than watch these two teams play.
War Eagle 17
UGA 23
EGM
Plainsmen 20
UGA 17
CB
I want to win less 28
No, I do 27
Louisiana Tech at LSU (-24), 7:00 pm
ML
The Cajuns got jobbed in Tuscaloose, as Peterson’s clear INT of the worst SEC QB was, for some reason, not seen in the replay booth. The Heart of Dixie is known for being a bit, behind the times, so maybe an 8 inch black and white Zenith is all that was available. It may not have mattered, it’s not like Jarrett Lee was going to suddenly realize how not to suck. Anyway, this is LSU’s November cupcake, the Lady Techsters, and they cannot call on Teresa Weatherspoon to run the show.
Techy 9
CoonAssy 41
EGM
Lady Techsters 0
Tigers 38
CB
LaTeck 6
LSU 42
Alabama at Mississippi State (+12.5), 7:00pm
CB
Nice little tune up for the Tide Saturday night before next week’s Iron Bowl. I don’t mean that MSU is a ginormous pushover that can’t exploit mistakes (and let’s face it, McElroy is just the kind of guy who can make ‘em), but I don’t think Saban is going to have to rely on the Bama QB too much in this one. I fully expect Mark Ingram to maintain his strong case for the Heisman with a big game, and the Tide Defense to hold these Bulldogs to under 250 yards of total offense. This will be a nice introduction into the spread offense as Bama gets ready for the SEC champ game, but I think the caliber of talent may be just a bit off haha…Tide Rolls
Bama 34
Westside Dawgs 12
ML
C-Tide 20
B-Dogs 10
EGM
Bamer 24
Miss State 9
Troy at Arkansas (-14), 7:30
CB
Didn’t even remember I landed on this game, and I almost left it blank. Whatever would we have done??!?! The Bourbon Boys would have been discredited and the laughing stock of the Blogosphere…I swear to God that is the first time I’ve ever used that word. I feel dirty. I’ll be honest with yall for a minute. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in this game. Please do NOT place a bet by using my score as an indicator. I am literally going to write two scores down on a piece of paper and flip a coin. Wait, that sounds like way to much work. I’m just gonna go with the Razorbacks cause I think they can probably put 40 points up on the Trojans defense and the talent level has to be skewed just enough in Arky’s favor to cover the spread. Wow, that was more analysis than I’ve done all year…pretty pathetic
Trojans 17
‘ZorBacks 40
ML
Trojans Cover 24
Your Hawgs 35
EGM
Trojans 13
Hawgs 28
HIGH OCTANE WEEKEND!!!! Two thirds of Mono, Licker & Bailey will be reuniting in the Palmetto State, to witness the Gators ascension to 10-0 and corresponding victimization of the Ol’ Ball Coach and his drunken Quarterback. I’m not sure what CB’s excuse is, but I’m sure it is lame. I just heard New Keys is among 3 Vol Freshmen arrested for armed robbery. I have tomorrow off and it’s been a while, so forgive me for my giddiness, this week’s edition has stream of consciousness written all over it. Call me Kerouac…..
El Gran Mono
Its late Thursday evening and I have Carolina (and shitty Alex Smith) on my mind. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to join the Licker in Five Points until late tomorrow due to deposition obligations. Why would anyone schedule a deposition on a roady day? Not everyone has SEC football priorities I guess. Perhaps we can incorporate football travel into the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure in order to accommodate the litigators of the south. However, they should probably work on getting some decent officials before moving the Supreme Court for Rules amendments…
Cuzzin’ Bailey
As I watch USF do its best to keep itself out of this Thursday night game, I am happy to report that the time for the Gators 10th win of the season is almost upon us. Its graciously fitting that we go for this victory against the man that made 10-win seasons at UF a conceivable goal. Last week UF took it easy on a hapless Vanderbilt team, hopefully saving their best for last (or at least the last few weeks). Sorry this is so bland, but watching the Tampa Bulls v. the New Jersey Rutgers is really bringing me down. Maybe a rerun of NCIS will get me in the mood for writing about football? I don’t know what I’m talking about. Btw, I think the World Series of Poker is over, THANK GOD… On an unrelated note (if you can believe it), I’m watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure now, I think the guy that played Napoleon did a great job, but I don’t understand why Lincoln even went to the costume picture place or why Beethoven was arrested for playing music…anyways while you contemplate that shit, on to the picks!!
Tennessee at Ole Miss (-5), 12:00pm EGM
EGM
There is no way Ole Miss should be favored against any team other than Vanderbilt or Kentucky. I understand that people think Lane Kiffin is stupid but has anyone ever considered it’s a charade? The Vols actually have things moving in the right direction these days (I never thought I’d write that this year). They run the ball well and only put their QB in “Bama situations”, i.e PA passes and bootlegs. Of course, this limits their offense and makes it very difficult to come back in games. That said, Ole Miss is a bigger farce than man-made climate change. They play half-ass defense but they can’t score against any team with a pulse. The Vols may have a decimated krewe of LBs but the rest of their unit is very solid. This could be an instant replay of the Ole Piss-Cocks matchup.
Armed Robbers 17
Easily Stolen Wallets 10
ML
Stick ‘em up 9
Rebz 21
CB
Trying to Score some “New Keys” 23
Capitalize on some opposing distraction? 26
Kentucky at Vanderbilt (+3), 12:20
EGM
Easily the least interesting matchup in the SEC from year to year with the possible exception of Piss State-Vandy. It appears Rich Brooks is once again “rebuilding” from his self-inflicted poor coaching/recruiting disaster. He’s also incorporating a heavy amount of wildcat into their offensive schemes. Meanwhile, coach-in-waiting Joker Phillips is dreading the reconstruction of the rebuilding effort. Confusing isn’t it? What’s not confusing is the fact that Vandy completely sucks.
Kats 31
Commodes 9
ML
‘Tucky 24
‘Bilt 20
CB
Don’t be so Kensucky 24
Fine School, Awful Football 17
Florida at South Carolina (+15), 3:30
ML
Yea daddy!!! Staying downtown….drunk at 3pm….Group Therapy…reunited…five points….qb dive…..Ball coach throwin’ visors….Garcia sweatin’ Gin….Tebow praisin’ the lord…turnovers galore. It seems like we’ve been playing better on the road than at home. I see this trend continuing and a big victory in cock-land. I think SC is trying some sort of camo-uniforms in honor of Vet’s day. None of that matters, I’ll be trying the limits of my liver in honor of Vet’s day.
UF 38
SC 10
EGM
The Gators offense drives a man to drink even the crappiest of whiskey. So much talent, such poor playcalling and execution. Their defense is awesome and keeps them in every game. I’m just glad Houston, Cincy, or FSU w/ Christian Ponder is not on the schedule. Those high scoring teams would have a great shot of winning. I really can’t wait to be in Columbia and sitting in Group Therapy with a Knob Creek in my hand talking football with the Licker and other fellow studs. Spurdog makes me nervous, but Stephen Garcia does not. His penchant for frustration will lead to at least one pick six. The Cocks defense is good but they won’t be able to withstand several turnovers and long weathering drives. Another Columbia notch in the belt…
Gators 31
Cocks 10
CB
Spurrier “announced” that he would probably be a Cock until 2011. HAHA, I just read that, I’ll bet there are plenty of UT and UGA fans out there saying, “its about time!” Anyways, presuming he was referring to his coaching tenure at USC, I think its great that he was pressured by the media into making such an announcement and hopefully he will retire with dignity and plenty of wins against everyone but us. I was looking at this game, and I was trying to figure out which of Meyer’s two trips to Columbia did this remind me of…2005 (I was there, sort of) and we lost by not blocking and allowing the Cocks to pressure us way too much; or 2007 Tebow accounted for 7 touchdowns on his way to winning the Heisman. After that thoughtful, in-depth analysis, I think I’m gonna go wild-card on yall and claim that our DEFENSE will be the main factor. I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Cuzzin, how can you go on such crazy limb like that??!” But it’s true, the Gators have a really really really good defense this year. Look for Garcia (USC’s QB) to feel the heat early on and for Spurrier’s stubbornness continue sending in pass plays that will set us up for a multi-pick game…
Cawks 10
GATORS! 30
Auburn at Georgia (-4.5), 7:00pm
ML
Man…what an anti-climax. I remember, during the era of Zook, when this game had SEC Title game implications. The winner of this game has the inside track on the Peach Bowl. I’d rather eat head cheese than watch these two teams play.
War Eagle 17
UGA 23
EGM
Plainsmen 20
UGA 17
CB
I want to win less 28
No, I do 27
Louisiana Tech at LSU (-24), 7:00 pm
ML
The Cajuns got jobbed in Tuscaloose, as Peterson’s clear INT of the worst SEC QB was, for some reason, not seen in the replay booth. The Heart of Dixie is known for being a bit, behind the times, so maybe an 8 inch black and white Zenith is all that was available. It may not have mattered, it’s not like Jarrett Lee was going to suddenly realize how not to suck. Anyway, this is LSU’s November cupcake, the Lady Techsters, and they cannot call on Teresa Weatherspoon to run the show.
Techy 9
CoonAssy 41
EGM
Lady Techsters 0
Tigers 38
CB
LaTeck 6
LSU 42
Alabama at Mississippi State (+12.5), 7:00pm
CB
Nice little tune up for the Tide Saturday night before next week’s Iron Bowl. I don’t mean that MSU is a ginormous pushover that can’t exploit mistakes (and let’s face it, McElroy is just the kind of guy who can make ‘em), but I don’t think Saban is going to have to rely on the Bama QB too much in this one. I fully expect Mark Ingram to maintain his strong case for the Heisman with a big game, and the Tide Defense to hold these Bulldogs to under 250 yards of total offense. This will be a nice introduction into the spread offense as Bama gets ready for the SEC champ game, but I think the caliber of talent may be just a bit off haha…Tide Rolls
Bama 34
Westside Dawgs 12
ML
C-Tide 20
B-Dogs 10
EGM
Bamer 24
Miss State 9
Troy at Arkansas (-14), 7:30
CB
Didn’t even remember I landed on this game, and I almost left it blank. Whatever would we have done??!?! The Bourbon Boys would have been discredited and the laughing stock of the Blogosphere…I swear to God that is the first time I’ve ever used that word. I feel dirty. I’ll be honest with yall for a minute. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in this game. Please do NOT place a bet by using my score as an indicator. I am literally going to write two scores down on a piece of paper and flip a coin. Wait, that sounds like way to much work. I’m just gonna go with the Razorbacks cause I think they can probably put 40 points up on the Trojans defense and the talent level has to be skewed just enough in Arky’s favor to cover the spread. Wow, that was more analysis than I’ve done all year…pretty pathetic
Trojans 17
‘ZorBacks 40
ML
Trojans Cover 24
Your Hawgs 35
EGM
Trojans 13
Hawgs 28
Friday, November 06, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week X
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Man, I am still recovering from the FL/GA weekend. Great freaking time tailgating and a great game; my bourbon girl and I snuck in a large size travel flask of (guess), and I was successful at “having a great time.” Anyways, another thing that was great about the game was how submissive the UGA fans were; I love it when the opposing fans are more certain of your team’s victory than you are…And I’m not talking about the fake bullshit they pull in Auburn either. These Georgia fans were insisting the Gators were going to cover, and I should have listened to them. This week the bigtime game is in Tuscaloosa, the Gators wrapped up the SEC East last week, now the next goal is to remain undefeated!
Malt Licker
Good times last week in Jacksonville with Cuzzin’ Bailey, who was a most gracious host. A beautiful Saturday, a tremendous tailgate and a beatdown of Jawja almost made me forget I was in Jacksonville. Then the drive home….leaving that downtown is like trying to escape some black hole of hell. It’s a wonder ESPN.com is questioning the viability of an NFL franchise there. Other than Bama/LSU, it’s a shitty slate of games. It almost makes one want to talk about baseball…..GO YANKS!!!!
El Gran Mono
Its certainly been a whirlwind week and I find myself leading off Friday morning with a shot of Knob Creek, an Aleve, and copious amounts of Chipotleaway. Given my track record, I highly doubt this will affect my picks. Looking at the lineup, I think the BBoys should have rallied around the SEC West Championship game and taken an off week of their own. What about Week X speaks to an AD that they should schedule a DI-AA opponent?
South Carolina at Arkansas (-7), 12:21pm
EGM
The Cocks are experimenting with how many huge hits a QB can take before he voluntarily quits and heads to a life of alcohol and opiates. However, the Cocks did not pick an adequate subject to test because Steve Garcia was already living that life. Arkansas is a complete enigma. They have a pretty decent D-Line and a QB who throws p-rods. Yet they have lost to both UGA and Ole Miss. I’ll ride the home Hawgs in this game and lay the points. The Cocks looked lethargic in Neyland last week and Fayetteville isn’t the kind of place to get back on a roll.
Cocks 9
Hawgs 24
CB
Cocks 23
Backs 25
ML
SoCar 28
Sooey 33
Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky (NL), 1:00pm
ML
Known as “the Maroons” until 1960, EKU became the Colonels and went on to dominate the Ohio Valley Conference. Lee “Six Million Dollar Man” Majors attended EKU before he started banging Farrah Fawcett. Ironically, John Calipari is also known as the “Six Million Dollar Man.” It may have something to do with his recruiting budget. You’d think he’d divert some of that cash to poor Rich Brooks.
Colonel Steve Austin 6
sUK 29
CB
East 2
Pussies (You know, like cats) 34
EGM
Colonels 7
Kats 41
Tennessee Tech at Georgia (NL), 1:00pm
CB
This game, like most this week, is pretty meh-able. Other than USC/Ark, and LSU/Bama, every other game is either NL or a huge spread. I know that UGA has played a great (hard/difficult/full of losses) schedule, but at least this weekend we can finally get their douchebag fans to shut up. Joe Cox and the rest of the Bulldogs played like complete idiots last weekend. I can’t believe how marginal they still are…I mean I can believe it, but I’m surprised, oh and happy.
(the other) TTech 14
UGA 33
ML
Golden Eagles 6
Urban’s Bitches 37
EGM
Evil Eagles 10
Evil Joe Cox 48
Furman at Auburn (NL), 1:30pm
EGM
Huge matchup in Jerdin Hair this week. The Purple Paladins bring their chivalrous DI-AA style into the den of bad haircuts. I think they should joust instead of play football.
PPs 14
Plainsmen 52
CB
Dumb 4
Dumb and EVIL 32
ML
Purple Paladins 6
Navy Blue Plainsmen 27
LSU at Alabama (-7.5), 3:30
CB
This is the game of the week, and I finally got a good one. LSU is coming off two big wins (big in the sense that the margin of victory was large), since the loss to the Gators. This game has a shit load on the line, a Ramma Jamma win locks up the SEC West and a date with the Gators in the SEC Championship, an LSU win puts them in the driver’s seat. Basically what you are looking for in this game is whether or not LSU can make plays on Bama’s defense. We all know about how “great” LSU’s athletes are, but if they don’t get Charles Scott going on the ground and have to rely on Jefferson to pass the ball all over the Tide, then this could be a long game for the Tigers. Bama has had a week off since the dramatics of the UT-block-field-goal-game, and so hopefully for their sake they’ve gotten over the high. I think that the Tide will follow the Gators lead in shutting down LSU’s offense, but their real question is whether or not Saban’s pistol formation will be hard-nosed enough to run against a tough Tiger D. I like Bama to win, but I’m not sure about the points…
QB is skittish 13
RB likes to Run 20
ML
Tigers 13
Tide 20
EGM
Tigers 21
Bamer 20
Memphis at Tennessee (-26.5), 7:00pm
ML
Kiffykins is coming off his first win over a ranked team and looking to pile on against Memphis State. Monte’s defense has remained stout all year, to have any chance the Tigers need to conger up some additional eligibility for DeAngelo Williams. With that said, there is no way UT should be laying more than 3 touchdowns to anyone. Crompton still sucks. Whoever Memphis’ coach is should lay money on his team to cover and play it as close to the vest as possible.
Memphis 10
Knoxville 30
CB
Gangland 10
Crapland 38
EGM
Memphass 0
Vols 38
Vanderbilt at Florida (-34.5), 7:15pm
ML
Oooooh its Eye Gauge-Gate!!!! I just heard Craig “the drunken preacher” James demand a 3 game suspension for Spikes. Is he serious? A pre-pubescent Malt Licker hated this clown back when he was the lead analyst on Gameday. That was before he pulled a David Caruso, leaving ESPN to join CBS. Unfortunately, like a bad case of herpes, he is back to spoil things. As you can tell, I’m sick of his act. Our Gators dispensed of UGA and have a bye week before their final road test of the season. What’s that you say? We have a game? I don’t count Vandy.
Avoiding Wins 6
Avoiding Letdowns 44
CB
Dores and Dorks 13
Studs and Gators 49
EGM
Doremats 3
Gators 58
Northern Arizona at Ole Miss (NL), 7:30pm
CB
It’s a good thing that the Rebs are playing Nalthun Zona this week. The real excitement is to come in the next few weeks. Ole Miss hosts Tennessee and LSU and still (remarkably) has a psychotically outside shot at the SEC West Title. I know, I know its ridiculous, but if they win out, and others lose late, it could possibly happen, I think. Anyways, it would be very beneficial if the Rebs could maybe actually possibly create and maintain some momentum that apparently was obliterated last week when they lost to Orburn, if they are to have any shot at the title. Anyways, look for Snead to light up the …uh whoever they are, bigtime.
Who Are YOU? 5
Ole Miss by Damn 45
ML
Lumberjacks 11
Rebs 51
EGM
Lumberjacks 6
Rebs 45
Mississippi State - OFF
EGM
Muddin’ and coonhunts.
Man, I am still recovering from the FL/GA weekend. Great freaking time tailgating and a great game; my bourbon girl and I snuck in a large size travel flask of (guess), and I was successful at “having a great time.” Anyways, another thing that was great about the game was how submissive the UGA fans were; I love it when the opposing fans are more certain of your team’s victory than you are…And I’m not talking about the fake bullshit they pull in Auburn either. These Georgia fans were insisting the Gators were going to cover, and I should have listened to them. This week the bigtime game is in Tuscaloosa, the Gators wrapped up the SEC East last week, now the next goal is to remain undefeated!
Malt Licker
Good times last week in Jacksonville with Cuzzin’ Bailey, who was a most gracious host. A beautiful Saturday, a tremendous tailgate and a beatdown of Jawja almost made me forget I was in Jacksonville. Then the drive home….leaving that downtown is like trying to escape some black hole of hell. It’s a wonder ESPN.com is questioning the viability of an NFL franchise there. Other than Bama/LSU, it’s a shitty slate of games. It almost makes one want to talk about baseball…..GO YANKS!!!!
El Gran Mono
Its certainly been a whirlwind week and I find myself leading off Friday morning with a shot of Knob Creek, an Aleve, and copious amounts of Chipotleaway. Given my track record, I highly doubt this will affect my picks. Looking at the lineup, I think the BBoys should have rallied around the SEC West Championship game and taken an off week of their own. What about Week X speaks to an AD that they should schedule a DI-AA opponent?
South Carolina at Arkansas (-7), 12:21pm
EGM
The Cocks are experimenting with how many huge hits a QB can take before he voluntarily quits and heads to a life of alcohol and opiates. However, the Cocks did not pick an adequate subject to test because Steve Garcia was already living that life. Arkansas is a complete enigma. They have a pretty decent D-Line and a QB who throws p-rods. Yet they have lost to both UGA and Ole Miss. I’ll ride the home Hawgs in this game and lay the points. The Cocks looked lethargic in Neyland last week and Fayetteville isn’t the kind of place to get back on a roll.
Cocks 9
Hawgs 24
CB
Cocks 23
Backs 25
ML
SoCar 28
Sooey 33
Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky (NL), 1:00pm
ML
Known as “the Maroons” until 1960, EKU became the Colonels and went on to dominate the Ohio Valley Conference. Lee “Six Million Dollar Man” Majors attended EKU before he started banging Farrah Fawcett. Ironically, John Calipari is also known as the “Six Million Dollar Man.” It may have something to do with his recruiting budget. You’d think he’d divert some of that cash to poor Rich Brooks.
Colonel Steve Austin 6
sUK 29
CB
East 2
Pussies (You know, like cats) 34
EGM
Colonels 7
Kats 41
Tennessee Tech at Georgia (NL), 1:00pm
CB
This game, like most this week, is pretty meh-able. Other than USC/Ark, and LSU/Bama, every other game is either NL or a huge spread. I know that UGA has played a great (hard/difficult/full of losses) schedule, but at least this weekend we can finally get their douchebag fans to shut up. Joe Cox and the rest of the Bulldogs played like complete idiots last weekend. I can’t believe how marginal they still are…I mean I can believe it, but I’m surprised, oh and happy.
(the other) TTech 14
UGA 33
ML
Golden Eagles 6
Urban’s Bitches 37
EGM
Evil Eagles 10
Evil Joe Cox 48
Furman at Auburn (NL), 1:30pm
EGM
Huge matchup in Jerdin Hair this week. The Purple Paladins bring their chivalrous DI-AA style into the den of bad haircuts. I think they should joust instead of play football.
PPs 14
Plainsmen 52
CB
Dumb 4
Dumb and EVIL 32
ML
Purple Paladins 6
Navy Blue Plainsmen 27
LSU at Alabama (-7.5), 3:30
CB
This is the game of the week, and I finally got a good one. LSU is coming off two big wins (big in the sense that the margin of victory was large), since the loss to the Gators. This game has a shit load on the line, a Ramma Jamma win locks up the SEC West and a date with the Gators in the SEC Championship, an LSU win puts them in the driver’s seat. Basically what you are looking for in this game is whether or not LSU can make plays on Bama’s defense. We all know about how “great” LSU’s athletes are, but if they don’t get Charles Scott going on the ground and have to rely on Jefferson to pass the ball all over the Tide, then this could be a long game for the Tigers. Bama has had a week off since the dramatics of the UT-block-field-goal-game, and so hopefully for their sake they’ve gotten over the high. I think that the Tide will follow the Gators lead in shutting down LSU’s offense, but their real question is whether or not Saban’s pistol formation will be hard-nosed enough to run against a tough Tiger D. I like Bama to win, but I’m not sure about the points…
QB is skittish 13
RB likes to Run 20
ML
Tigers 13
Tide 20
EGM
Tigers 21
Bamer 20
Memphis at Tennessee (-26.5), 7:00pm
ML
Kiffykins is coming off his first win over a ranked team and looking to pile on against Memphis State. Monte’s defense has remained stout all year, to have any chance the Tigers need to conger up some additional eligibility for DeAngelo Williams. With that said, there is no way UT should be laying more than 3 touchdowns to anyone. Crompton still sucks. Whoever Memphis’ coach is should lay money on his team to cover and play it as close to the vest as possible.
Memphis 10
Knoxville 30
CB
Gangland 10
Crapland 38
EGM
Memphass 0
Vols 38
Vanderbilt at Florida (-34.5), 7:15pm
ML
Oooooh its Eye Gauge-Gate!!!! I just heard Craig “the drunken preacher” James demand a 3 game suspension for Spikes. Is he serious? A pre-pubescent Malt Licker hated this clown back when he was the lead analyst on Gameday. That was before he pulled a David Caruso, leaving ESPN to join CBS. Unfortunately, like a bad case of herpes, he is back to spoil things. As you can tell, I’m sick of his act. Our Gators dispensed of UGA and have a bye week before their final road test of the season. What’s that you say? We have a game? I don’t count Vandy.
Avoiding Wins 6
Avoiding Letdowns 44
CB
Dores and Dorks 13
Studs and Gators 49
EGM
Doremats 3
Gators 58
Northern Arizona at Ole Miss (NL), 7:30pm
CB
It’s a good thing that the Rebs are playing Nalthun Zona this week. The real excitement is to come in the next few weeks. Ole Miss hosts Tennessee and LSU and still (remarkably) has a psychotically outside shot at the SEC West Title. I know, I know its ridiculous, but if they win out, and others lose late, it could possibly happen, I think. Anyways, it would be very beneficial if the Rebs could maybe actually possibly create and maintain some momentum that apparently was obliterated last week when they lost to Orburn, if they are to have any shot at the title. Anyways, look for Snead to light up the …uh whoever they are, bigtime.
Who Are YOU? 5
Ole Miss by Damn 45
ML
Lumberjacks 11
Rebs 51
EGM
Lumberjacks 6
Rebs 45
Mississippi State - OFF
EGM
Muddin’ and coonhunts.
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