Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week XII

El Gran Mono
After a whirlwind voyage to Columbia last weekend, things have gone on high alert for both the Gator offense and the world of civil litigation. To say the least, neither of them is very fun to watch. To make things worse, this week in football completely blows. It was nice of the NCAA to add a 12th game so all of the big name teams could tune up against the Sun WAC Belt.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
I know you all have been waiting for the Mississippi State/Arkansas game all year, but try and keep it down. This weekend’s highlight game is in Oxford, MS. The Rebs are favored as the mighty Bayou Bengals come into town and I know its gonna be electric. Its definitely football weather up there, and hopefully the chandeliers in the Grove will be rattling from all the noise after the Rebels pound the Tigers. On a completely different subject, I hope you all have been diligently watching the WWII documentary series on History Channel this week. A good friend of mine recommended it on Facebook and I haven’t been able to turn it off since. Anyways the top teams in the SEC have virtual bye weeks before their end of the year rivalries, and even those two games next week aren’t nearly as important as the one the week after that! Still lots to accomplish and take care of before the SEC Championship Game, starting with these scrimmages…

Malt Licker
It’s mid November, and that means its time for a visit to Cupcake City for the Gators. Maybe we’ll actually score more than 30 this week. All bitterness aside, I think the Gator Nation needs to calm down. Urban and his boys have won 20 in a row, and this senior class is on the cusp of a 3rd SEC and National Title. With that said, it would be nice to see Tebow look at someone other than his roommate on a streak and A-Hern on a shovel. Anyway, I loved the reunion with EGM and others in Columbia. After 96 hours, I have finally enjoyed a solid bowel movement….

Chattanooga at Alabama (NL), 12:20pm
EGM
TO went to Chattanooga. He no longer plays there. If you are interested in anything remotely related to “Chattanooga” this weekend, then I suggest you read a book about the battle.

University of Tennessee AT Chattanooga 0
Bamer 45

CB
Nooooooooooga 3.2
Bama! 51

ML
Mocs 2
Tide 41

Mississippi State at Arkansas (-10.5), 12:21pm
ML
Speaking of Bowel Movements, MSU heads up the road to Arky-saw in the battle to stay out of the SEC West cellar. The Bulldogs may be looking ahead toward the battle of the Golden Egg, and the state of Arkansas may be looking ahead toward a 50% literacy rate! It seems like the Hawgs have a ton more talent. They should roll….

Doggies 14
Hoggies 34

EGM
Dawgs 13
Hawgs 31

CB
Ugh, Starkville 17
Ugh, Fayetteville 28

FIU at Florida (-43.5), 12:30pm
CB
I was going to talk about this game metaphorically by referencing some of the Battles I saw on TV this week, but I don’t think that would be appropriate or accurate as this game, by football game standards, won’t have any real intensity or challenge. There is one thing I can mention that has been on my mind since I saw (or should I say acknowledged) that FIU was on our schedule, and that is the infamous brawl that occurred a three years ago. If you don’t remember, look it up on Wikipedia…yea, its there. These FIU players with the help of the scUMbag Canes guys had it out on the field in Braveheart fashion. Some of the images that stick out in my head are: the Canes player that swung his helmet and the “stomper” (UM dude who was literally stomping and FIU player). Now I know that Randy Shannon is a no-nonsense kind of ….wait what am I talking about?…Anyways, this game is clearly bothering me because I haven’t said one damn word about it. All I know is, FIU has supplanted USF as the “red-headed stepchild” of the State, and all it takes is a little of that insecurity to show through and we could be looking at an ugly game on their part. I know we have too much discipline to fall into an all out fight, and our eye-gouging strategy has been exposed, so I guess we’ll just have to whoop some ass letting Johnny Brantley come in, in the 2nd quarter with Carte Blanche to toss the rock all over the Panthers’ secondary. The spread is a big number, and the way the Gators have been playing lately only a fool would pick them to cover, but I like UF big regardless…

I’m Sorry I had a Fight in the Middle of your Black Panther Party 9
Focused Gators 45

EGM
Golden Panteros 3
Caimanes 56

ML
Panteros de Oro 3
Gators de Pantano 49

LSU at Ole Miss (-3.5), 3:30pm
EGM
The Rebs are almost impossible to decipher. But since they have decided to go with the 100% McCluster based offense they have started to move the ball consistently. It’s a good thing they found that direction because Snead is terrible. I’d avoid whatever “meat market” was serving up cutlets of Jevan. The Tigers really have nothing to stand on when it comes to offense these days. Chuck Scott is out and Jarrett Lee could be behind center. Regardless of how fast LSU’s defense may be, I just can’t get behind the Cajuns woeful offense. This game’s status as “SEC Game of the week makes me want to vomit up used syringes.

Tigers 13
Pississippi 20

CB
LSU Bleauxs 20
Hotty Toddy 22

ML
LSU 34
Ole Piss 33

Vanderbilt at Tennessee (-17), 7:00pm
EGM
The battle for State of Tennessee has never looked worse. Vandy is atrocious on both sides of the ball and really has no chance of scoring against the Vols defense or stopping their running attack. Perhaps we could just lessen the two teams’ carbon footprint and call this one at 17-3 Vols. Or maybe in the guise of all things Copenhagen Accord, UT could give some of their talented players to Vandy and drop the final score to 17-14. Sounds equitable, right? Equitable like prison rape.

Commodes 3
Vols 24

CB
Von Vandersbilt 10
Lane’s Thugs 30

ML
Tennessee Dorks 13
Tennessee Armed Robbers 23

Kentucky at Georgia -8, 7:45
CB
Maybe its just the fact that I know that Calipari is a total scumbag when it comes to recruiting but I just don’t trust the kids he’s got on the court now. Sorry, I was just watching a little of the Cats on the hardwood and that thought came over me and I started to suspect even the kids that were already on scholarship of being dirty. And we all know that Billy Gillespie wasn’t cheating because if he was, he probably wouldn’t have gotten fired! Speaking of Football, how unimpressed with Richt are you? He’s had plenty of talent over the years and this year with arguably the best receiver in the SEC and a senior Quarterback, the Dawgs are just God awful. Now the question is, are they bad enough to lose to the football Kats? I say no, I mean come on, who’s that bad?

Krappy Kensucky Kats 16
Dawgs are Better, just a little bit 32

EGM
Kats 13
Dawgs 28

ML
‘Sucky 13
Jawja 31

Oregon at Zona (+6), 8
ML
Both these teams control their destiny. If Oregon wins out, they earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl since Rich Brooks faced Joe-Pa in 1995. If the Desert Cats can win out, they will earn their first trip to the Rose Bowl…Ever. That’s right, they are the only Pac-10 team to have never played in the Rose Bowl. If they wish to break that trend, they need to slow down OU’s 6th ranked rushing offense and Jeremiah Masoli, the Stocky Samoan. The Cats have a pretty good QB of their own in Nick Foles, who sports a 70% completion percentage. Can Mike Stoops pull off the upset and save his job? Does Jim Leavitt mind that he stole his hairdo? Does anyone care?

Fighting Quacks 27
Fighting Lutes 17

EGM
Ducks 45
Zona 41

CB
Punchy 42
Zoner 23

Auburn - OFF
CB
OH MAN do I hate Auburn! Have you ever been there as an opposing fan? They aren’t like “get in your face” assholes, but they do that whole thing where they come up to you and slap you in your face with their bangs and act like they team ain’t gotta prayer; their faux-humility is disgusting. Sorry, we aren’t even playing them this year, and I can’t control my contempt.

South Carolina - OFF
ML
Man, I love Columbia. I guarantee that town has the lowest church to bar ratio of any city in the Southeast. Can’t wait to go back to the Stayhard Suites in 2011.