Thursday, November 12, 2009

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week XI

Malt Licker
HIGH OCTANE WEEKEND!!!! Two thirds of Mono, Licker & Bailey will be reuniting in the Palmetto State, to witness the Gators ascension to 10-0 and corresponding victimization of the Ol’ Ball Coach and his drunken Quarterback. I’m not sure what CB’s excuse is, but I’m sure it is lame. I just heard New Keys is among 3 Vol Freshmen arrested for armed robbery. I have tomorrow off and it’s been a while, so forgive me for my giddiness, this week’s edition has stream of consciousness written all over it. Call me Kerouac…..

El Gran Mono
Its late Thursday evening and I have Carolina (and shitty Alex Smith) on my mind. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to join the Licker in Five Points until late tomorrow due to deposition obligations. Why would anyone schedule a deposition on a roady day? Not everyone has SEC football priorities I guess. Perhaps we can incorporate football travel into the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure in order to accommodate the litigators of the south. However, they should probably work on getting some decent officials before moving the Supreme Court for Rules amendments…

Cuzzin’ Bailey
As I watch USF do its best to keep itself out of this Thursday night game, I am happy to report that the time for the Gators 10th win of the season is almost upon us. Its graciously fitting that we go for this victory against the man that made 10-win seasons at UF a conceivable goal. Last week UF took it easy on a hapless Vanderbilt team, hopefully saving their best for last (or at least the last few weeks). Sorry this is so bland, but watching the Tampa Bulls v. the New Jersey Rutgers is really bringing me down. Maybe a rerun of NCIS will get me in the mood for writing about football? I don’t know what I’m talking about. Btw, I think the World Series of Poker is over, THANK GOD… On an unrelated note (if you can believe it), I’m watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure now, I think the guy that played Napoleon did a great job, but I don’t understand why Lincoln even went to the costume picture place or why Beethoven was arrested for playing music…anyways while you contemplate that shit, on to the picks!!

Tennessee at Ole Miss (-5), 12:00pm EGM
There is no way Ole Miss should be favored against any team other than Vanderbilt or Kentucky. I understand that people think Lane Kiffin is stupid but has anyone ever considered it’s a charade? The Vols actually have things moving in the right direction these days (I never thought I’d write that this year). They run the ball well and only put their QB in “Bama situations”, i.e PA passes and bootlegs. Of course, this limits their offense and makes it very difficult to come back in games. That said, Ole Miss is a bigger farce than man-made climate change. They play half-ass defense but they can’t score against any team with a pulse. The Vols may have a decimated krewe of LBs but the rest of their unit is very solid. This could be an instant replay of the Ole Piss-Cocks matchup.

Armed Robbers 17
Easily Stolen Wallets 10

Stick ‘em up 9
Rebz 21

Trying to Score some “New Keys” 23
Capitalize on some opposing distraction? 26

Kentucky at Vanderbilt (+3), 12:20
Easily the least interesting matchup in the SEC from year to year with the possible exception of Piss State-Vandy. It appears Rich Brooks is once again “rebuilding” from his self-inflicted poor coaching/recruiting disaster. He’s also incorporating a heavy amount of wildcat into their offensive schemes. Meanwhile, coach-in-waiting Joker Phillips is dreading the reconstruction of the rebuilding effort. Confusing isn’t it? What’s not confusing is the fact that Vandy completely sucks.

Kats 31
Commodes 9

‘Tucky 24
‘Bilt 20

Don’t be so Kensucky 24
Fine School, Awful Football 17

Florida at South Carolina (+15), 3:30
Yea daddy!!! Staying downtown….drunk at 3pm….Group Therapy…reunited…five points….qb dive…..Ball coach throwin’ visors….Garcia sweatin’ Gin….Tebow praisin’ the lord…turnovers galore. It seems like we’ve been playing better on the road than at home. I see this trend continuing and a big victory in cock-land. I think SC is trying some sort of camo-uniforms in honor of Vet’s day. None of that matters, I’ll be trying the limits of my liver in honor of Vet’s day.

UF 38
SC 10

The Gators offense drives a man to drink even the crappiest of whiskey. So much talent, such poor playcalling and execution. Their defense is awesome and keeps them in every game. I’m just glad Houston, Cincy, or FSU w/ Christian Ponder is not on the schedule. Those high scoring teams would have a great shot of winning. I really can’t wait to be in Columbia and sitting in Group Therapy with a Knob Creek in my hand talking football with the Licker and other fellow studs. Spurdog makes me nervous, but Stephen Garcia does not. His penchant for frustration will lead to at least one pick six. The Cocks defense is good but they won’t be able to withstand several turnovers and long weathering drives. Another Columbia notch in the belt…

Gators 31
Cocks 10

Spurrier “announced” that he would probably be a Cock until 2011. HAHA, I just read that, I’ll bet there are plenty of UT and UGA fans out there saying, “its about time!” Anyways, presuming he was referring to his coaching tenure at USC, I think its great that he was pressured by the media into making such an announcement and hopefully he will retire with dignity and plenty of wins against everyone but us. I was looking at this game, and I was trying to figure out which of Meyer’s two trips to Columbia did this remind me of…2005 (I was there, sort of) and we lost by not blocking and allowing the Cocks to pressure us way too much; or 2007 Tebow accounted for 7 touchdowns on his way to winning the Heisman. After that thoughtful, in-depth analysis, I think I’m gonna go wild-card on yall and claim that our DEFENSE will be the main factor. I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Cuzzin, how can you go on such crazy limb like that??!” But it’s true, the Gators have a really really really good defense this year. Look for Garcia (USC’s QB) to feel the heat early on and for Spurrier’s stubbornness continue sending in pass plays that will set us up for a multi-pick game…

Cawks 10

Auburn at Georgia (-4.5), 7:00pm
Man…what an anti-climax. I remember, during the era of Zook, when this game had SEC Title game implications. The winner of this game has the inside track on the Peach Bowl. I’d rather eat head cheese than watch these two teams play.

War Eagle 17
UGA 23

Plainsmen 20
UGA 17

I want to win less 28
No, I do 27

Louisiana Tech at LSU (-24), 7:00 pm
The Cajuns got jobbed in Tuscaloose, as Peterson’s clear INT of the worst SEC QB was, for some reason, not seen in the replay booth. The Heart of Dixie is known for being a bit, behind the times, so maybe an 8 inch black and white Zenith is all that was available. It may not have mattered, it’s not like Jarrett Lee was going to suddenly realize how not to suck. Anyway, this is LSU’s November cupcake, the Lady Techsters, and they cannot call on Teresa Weatherspoon to run the show.

Techy 9
CoonAssy 41

Lady Techsters 0
Tigers 38

LaTeck 6
LSU 42

Alabama at Mississippi State (+12.5), 7:00pm
Nice little tune up for the Tide Saturday night before next week’s Iron Bowl. I don’t mean that MSU is a ginormous pushover that can’t exploit mistakes (and let’s face it, McElroy is just the kind of guy who can make ‘em), but I don’t think Saban is going to have to rely on the Bama QB too much in this one. I fully expect Mark Ingram to maintain his strong case for the Heisman with a big game, and the Tide Defense to hold these Bulldogs to under 250 yards of total offense. This will be a nice introduction into the spread offense as Bama gets ready for the SEC champ game, but I think the caliber of talent may be just a bit off haha…Tide Rolls

Bama 34
Westside Dawgs 12

C-Tide 20
B-Dogs 10

Bamer 24
Miss State 9

Troy at Arkansas (-14), 7:30
Didn’t even remember I landed on this game, and I almost left it blank. Whatever would we have done??!?! The Bourbon Boys would have been discredited and the laughing stock of the Blogosphere…I swear to God that is the first time I’ve ever used that word. I feel dirty. I’ll be honest with yall for a minute. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in this game. Please do NOT place a bet by using my score as an indicator. I am literally going to write two scores down on a piece of paper and flip a coin. Wait, that sounds like way to much work. I’m just gonna go with the Razorbacks cause I think they can probably put 40 points up on the Trojans defense and the talent level has to be skewed just enough in Arky’s favor to cover the spread. Wow, that was more analysis than I’ve done all year…pretty pathetic

Trojans 17
‘ZorBacks 40

Trojans Cover 24
Your Hawgs 35

Trojans 13
Hawgs 28

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