Friday, November 11, 2011

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week XI

Malt Licker
So there are football programs out there with more reason to be embarrassed than the Gators? I like to think of myself as a contrarian. I make light of devastating tornados, hurricanes, tsunamis, black holes, gamma ray bursts and other catastrophes in this crazy universe. But sexual abuse of little boys is something that even I will not joke about. However, I am always interested in the reaction of the Facebook/Twitter-verse. Especially folks calling for everyone’s head, including those, like Joe-Pa, who are not subject to a criminal indictment. None of us know how McQueary framed the alleged incident to Paterno, yet the vast majority of people are unwilling to extend Joe-Pa the benefit of the doubt. I’ve seen some people even suggest that Penn State should cancel this week’s game, or the rest of the season. What would that accomplish? Do we need to take drastic measures to prove that we all think raping little boys is bad? I get the impression that some people will not be satisfied unless PSU revokes every football scholarship Paterno granted and tears down Beaver Stadium brick-by-brick. However, I would like to congratulate the OWS crowd for no longer being considered the stupidest protesters of the year.

Cuzzin Bailey
Look, I know what’s going on, I’m watching that movie “Devil” right now and it has inspired me to take responsibility for what I’m doing. I SUCK at picking games. I am the reason they invented the phrase “for entertainment purposes only.” No one should ever take my advice (not that yall did in the first place). In the spirit of Tommy Boy, let me give you the reasons why I suck as a handicapper: 1) I don’t do any research: everything I say is off the cuff and all of my facts are made up, butchered from another source, or half observed, which leads to my next point; 2) I watch most games in a drunken stupor: These facts or tidbits are just things I have heard Gary Daniels, Verne Lundquist, or (gasp) Andre Ware say and should be taken with a grain of salt; 3) I am a huge homer: not only do I blindly root for the Gators, but I have other teams in my arsenal that would like to do well. I have an agenda ladies and gentlemen and that clouds my judgment, a lot. 4) I usually write this thing while neck deep in a movie or a TV show. I think one year I actually picked a few teams to “push.” While this is entirely possible, it can be a long shot when you're picking against the spread like us.

Anyways, I went to Gainesville last weekend with my wife and we had a great time watching the Gators snap that losing streak, but were disappointed by the LSU victory.  Homer statement.

Oh yea, I got through this entire opening without talking about Penn State. Annnnnnd since I just ruined that, I might as well say my piece: Kid’s getting “abused” like that is horrific; JoePa had very little to do with it, but b/c he didn’t do absolutely everything he could and the fact that the Board of Trustees had it out for him, the decision to fire him in the season was easy for them; finally, if guilty, Jerry Sandusky will rot in hell, and if prison justice is an actual thing, we’ll be hearing about it. That’s about it, I actually don’t have an agenda here, it’s a tragedy and I hope those students who “rioted” don’t get jobs b/c they are sheep-lemmings looking for attention. Oh, shit! I almost forgot to plug my twitter account:

El Gran Mono
Hello, from the Southwest Coast of Ireland. I managed to see 1Q of the “game of the century” and it was exactly as expected. Two shite offenses getting shut downs by dominant defenses. I was glad to see the Gators didn’t lose to Vandy. I’m also glad I didn’t see it.

Brew of the Week: Steinlager Pure, enjoyed a number of these at a Kiwi restaurant on the Antrim Coast. It needs to come back to the US soon, if only for me to enjoy.


Florida at South Carolina (-3.5)
In sticking with the fine tradition of famous homers, I would like to tell you how the Gators are gonna kick some serious ass this weekend! We haven’t won back to back games since Tennessee and Kentucky. Don’t let their 1-9 combined SEC records fool you, those were tough teams with a lot to prove (of course they failed at that whole-heartedly). South Cackalacky needs to win this weekend and hope that the trashbag Georgia Bulldogs can at least split their last two SEC games. If the Gators win this week, USC will have 3 conference losses and the Cocks will need Jawja to lose both. So in true homer fashion, let me explain that while we have touched bottom this year, having Johnny Brantley back is such a breath of fresh air. Our defense has been playing poorly late (perfect, I know), but without a QB that’s 100% and their best RB USCe is very vulnerable. Oh yea, I would like to say “Thank you” and “Screw you” to Spurrier. If you know me at all, you’ll know why. Huge Gators win here, lock it up!

Cawks 21

Cocks 28
Gators 17

Spurrier 24
Muschamp 14


Kentucky at Vanderbilt (-13)
With El Gran Mono doing the bare minimum, we are getting stuck with this gutter trash. I love both towns these teams come from so I can’t be a total hater this week. The Wildcats are going to lose this game. That’s a fact, but by how much is what you’re really wondering. I think Aaron Rodgers lil’ brother is going to completely decimate this Kentucky team. Book it.

Kensuck 13
Vander 49

KY 10
Vandy 31

Wildcats 10
Commodores 28


Auburn at Georgia (-13)
I saw the ESPN documentary Roll Tide/War Eagle this week. Is there a bigger loser than Harvey Updyke? (Any questions like this implicitly contain the preface “other than Jerry Sandusky”). Way to go with that tree poisoning redneck. Anyway, I did not know that Auburn and ‘Bama refused to play for decades due to some petty grievance. It is nice to know that some things never change. Speaking of things never changing, Georgia still sucks, but could still be the Eastern sacrificial lamb in Atlanta this December. It’s difficult to believe that both of these teams are ranked. Is it me or is the level of play in college football this year a lot worse than in year’s past? Maybe I should start watching more games that don’t involve the Gators. It is clouding my judgment. I know Auburn stinks, but should they really be a 13 point underdog? I feel like they will pick off a couple Murray passes to keep this game close.

Kittys 19
Puppys 27

Aubarn 14
Georgah 24

Plainsmen 10
UGA 21


Tennessee at Arkansas (-14)
Speaking of child molesters, Bobby Petrino has his Hawgs stealthily in the hunt for a BCS bid. The matchup against LSU looms large as Arkansas makes its way through the underporkbelly of their schedule. Without Tyler Bray, Tennessee has no chance.

Vols 13
Hawgs 34

Vuls 16
Arkansas 33

Vols 13
Arky 34


Western Kentucky at LSU (-41.5)
Team of the Century with Jarrett Lee and JJeff at the helm? The pundits might want to think that through.

LSU 58

Hilltoppers 0
Tigers 38

LSU 48


Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss (+2)
When you are a home underdog against Louisiana Tech and it is not against the Lady Techsters, it might be time to fire your coach. Ole Miss took care of this last week and will send Nutt packing at the end of the year. It’s hard to believe that such a dynamic personality and handsome southern gent is not a better recruiter. If Ole Miss could fuse Ed Orgeron and Houston Nutt into one coach named Edston Nuteron, they would be unstoppable! At least they have a lame mascot.

Techsters 10
Nutters 11

La-Tech 14
Ole Miss 17

Lady Techsters 10
Ole Miss 13


Alabama at Mississippi State (+18)
Ugh, what an awful way/place to come back after such a devastating loss. I really over estimated Bama’s ability to move the ball on LSU last week. In fact that pick of mine has sent me in a tailspin of emotional trauma. The freaking final was 9-6 in OVERTIME and while it was the Tide’s game to lose (they missed 4 FGs), it wasn’t like they were going to kill the Tigers. I guess the only cure for such heart break is playing a team like Mississippi State. But like I said, the environment is going to be tough to get up for here. Most of the kids in the SEC have only seen stadiums smaller in high school, and that can be a real shock. Hopefully for Bama’s sake this won’t keep them down for too long, I’m sure they just want to get back on the field and regroup.

Bama 38
Miss Stizzle 10

Bama 41
Miss State 7

‘Bama 30
MSU 10

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