Friday, November 04, 2011

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week X

Cuzzin Bailey
Look, I was right to have a good feeling last week, regardless of the outcome. In every way, it seemed as though the gods wanted us to win, yet somehow the Gators pulled a Jawga and came up lame. I get that we only score one offensive TD and gave up 3, but other than two perfectly placed 4th down touchdown passes…alright, I’ll stop. Basically we suck this year, and here is my plea: If you are at all close to jumping off the bandwagon, complete the jump. As I saw on twitter this week, this will be a good year to “trim the fat” of the folks that jumped on during our heyday (06-09). As frustrated with Gators as I have been, I’m still positive about the future and the direction that Muschamp is planning on taking us; those who are ‘done’ with UF aren’t welcome anyways. Look, if the football team isn’t one of the top 2 reasons you are applying to or want your kid to go to Florida, do us all a favor and send him/her to Harvard (they will accept our scraps). This made sense when I started writing it a few days ago. Anyways, this weekend the Bourbon wife and I are heading up to Gainesville for the Vandy game thanks to some friends of ours who recently got engaged (in Jacksonville last weekend, hardcore Gators), and Gator Growl courtesy of past BBOYS contributor the Dinner Cruise Gambler. Heed my warnings, if you only peripherally care about the Gators do yourself and everyone here a favor get a haircut and dust off your FSU shirt you wore in the 90s. For more nonsense:

Malt Licker
I must say I am quite envious of El Gran Mono. Not only is he currently basking in the overcast skies of the Emerald Isle, he is virtually assured of missing this week’s throttling of his alma mater by the Vanderbilt Commodores. It should be considered an act of war to allow broadcasts featuring this pathetic Gators football team to cross into foreign airwaves. This year’s team makes last year’s team look semi-competent . I’d rather spend three hours watching Kirstie Alley and Roseanne Barr try to shoehorn themselves into Charlie Weis’ coaching gear, than witness another illegal-procedure-riddled debacle. Did you know we lead the country in penalties per game? Does John Brantley know that letting the play clock run own to “0” equals a five yard penalty? Unfortunately, because I’m a fan, I will be forced to subject myself to the torture scheduled for 12:20. There are only two interesting SEC matchups this week, one of them being the latest game of the century. Remember when we played in those? Naturally, the other interesting game, USC/Arky is on at just about the same time. At least the dial will be clear for the thrilling matchup between Ole Miss and Kentucky!

El Gran Mono
Greetings from Dublin! If you guessed that I am writing this at my hotel bar that overlooks a medieval cathedral then you are right. I might be the only college football fan in the universe that probably won’t be watching the game of the century tomorrow. However, chances are I will still be awake at midnight and taking down a pint with the Antrim Coast in the background so maybe it will be on. My take on the game, Nick Saban runs a more disciplined ship than Les Miles. In a game of equals, I’ll take the team that doesn’t try something stupid. Advantage Bama. As for the Gators, losing to a bad Georgia team is strike two for Will Muschamp and you only get three strikes in my world.

Brew of the week: Kilkenny Irish Ale. Goes down great with nice piece of roasted lamb. Cheers!


Vanderbilt at Florida (-13.5)
I hope Gator Growl is fun and the weather is nice, everything else that weekend will suck. For those of you who haven’t been to Gville in a while (ahem CB) you might notice that the quality of our co-eds is beginning to look positively Duke-ian. Some in the media are wondering why our student section is not filling up like in year’s past. The answer is simple. More and more of our students are named Mei, Li, Ting and Monsoor and would rather spend a Saturday afternoon at Chem Lab than getting drunk and watching sub-par football. Job well done Bernie! You used to be able to differentiate between Vanderdorks and UF students. Now they are one and the same. Can you believe we are almost a two touchdown favorite? Has anyone watched this team play? We’re a joke. We have no identity on offense and no one that can catch the football on either side of the ball. Let’s continue to play 5th year seniors with no talent instead of our young guys. That is quite a recipe for success and improvement. I’d like to thank Urban Meyer for recruiting a bunch of no-talent ass clowns on offense. Is there anyone on that side of the ball, other than a healthy Demps, who would see regular playing time on a top 10 team? What a disgrace. Why would Urban recruit a lead footed drop back QB for his spread offense anyway? Vanderbilt is actually sort of not terrible this year. I wouldn’t bet on these Gators if we were getting two TDs. Take the Commodores to the bank!

Vander-dork 24
Gators 4

Florida 21
Vandy 17

Nerds 13


New Mexico State at Georgia (-32.5)
Oh wow we’re Georgia!!! Congratulations!!! Tremendous victory! You beat the worst UF football team since Galen Hall, barely. If we had cornerbacks who could find and knock down a football, Mark pRicht would have “For Sale” signs on his front lawn. This may end up working out. Hopefully, Machen’s cohort in temperance, Mike Adams, will lock him in for another five years, which will allow the coach who replaces Muschamp a chance to get a couple easy wins.

Fuck GA 50

UGA 51

Old Mehico 13
Cheaters 44


Ole Miss at Kentucky (+1.5)
Just read that one of these teams has the worst defense in the SEC and the other has the worst offense in the league. It would probably help to know which was which huh? Well let’s just use some logic here. Kentucky can’t score, therefore they lose a lot. Ole Miss can’t stop anyone, therefore they lose a lot. But the rebs CAN put points on the board. This is a no-brainer…ish

Ole Miss 22
Ol’ Kats 13

Ole Piss 14
Ole Bluegrass 17

Black Bears 17
KY 10


Middle Tennessee State at Tennessee (-20.5)
I really enjoy the name “Blue Raiders”. With a name like that MTSU needs a better mascot. Maybe a crazy alien or something. Their team sucks so they should probably think outside the box.

UT took the redshirt off their stud recruit last week and the result was 3 points. I’d say that’s a disappointing start but as a Gator fan I don’t have any room to talk. This game breaks down as a bad team against a worse team. Watch at gunpoint only.

Vols 34

UT 35

UT 40


South Carolina at Arkansas (-5)
This game is getting no coverage despite both teams sporting high rankings. However, I think everyone knows both teams are a little overrated and are due for a loss at any moment. Arkansas continues to play catchup constantly and the Cocks don’t have a capable QB or RB on their roster. Sounds like a clash of two top ten teams right?

I like the Arkansas offense a lot more than the Cock defense so I’ll take the Hawgs to cover and win.

Cocks 20
Hawgs 27

Cawks 17
Hawgs 27

Cocks 20
Hawgs 30


UT-Martin at Mississippi State (OFF)
This is curse of having the first pick during a week with an uneven amount of games. This game not only means a little to me as possible, but it also has zero implications on anything. If I were an MSU Dawg alum, I would prefer my “Homecoming game” was played away.

Dirty West Dogs 40

UT-M 6
MSU 50

UT Martin 3
Miss State 49


LSU at Alabama (-4.5)
I’m not going to bore you as to why this is the game of the week, because this is more like the game of the year. Both teams: are highly ranked in offensive and defensive categories nationally; both coaches have won a national championship in the last 4 years; both coaches have won national championships AT LSU; the game will definitively decide who is Number 1 come Monday. The only thing we as humble SEC second class citizens can hope is that whoever wins this game is the true team b/c a loss down the road by the winner could send the South into a tailspin of pain having to watch another conference hold up the BCS trophy. LSU’s defense is great they are only matched by Alabama. Alabama’s offense (especially late, when it matters) is matched by the Tigers. If we’re talking QBs, LSU’s two headed monster of Jefferson and Lee (sounds like some snooty college up in the Sorth (sic)), would probably have the advantage, but the thing about Nick Saban’s offenses aren’t that he has some superstar quarterback running the show, but that he has a capable dude back there who doesn’t screw up. That’s what Bama has in AJ McCarron, and aside from that ‘God’-awful tattoo he has on his chest, he displays pretty good judgment. (Now speaking as a Gator fan, I certainly didn’t enjoy his crowd-mocking gestures at the swamp all those weeks ago, but shit, we have bigger things to worry about). But this is all beating around the bush now. The big deal is whether or not Bama can unleash Trent “For Real Man” Richardson. Behind that huge offensive line, the Tide’s leading rusher has put up Heisman like numbers and he big question is whether or not he can continue the trend against the crawfish-fed coonasses of LSU. I think a combination of Bama’s defense and the fact that TR will be able to find holes Saturday night with enough frequency to pull (slightly) away late in the game. Look, LSU hasn’t had to rely on any of its tricks/luck of the past, I call for that to change, Les is gonna get crazy for some reason but watch for it NOT be the difference. After the game I predict a full on meltdown by the Grasseater. Get him OUTTA HERE!

L-Es-U 19
Bama 24

Katrina Refugees 16
Tornado Refugees 14

LSU 13
Bama 14

Auburn – BYE WEEK

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