Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V – Saturday Edition

Malt Licker

Ok, I’m really getting pissed off at all these bullshit non-conference games. They take up waaaay too much time and are waaaay too uninteresting. Temple, Central Michigan, Memphis, et al have no business playing SEC Teams in late September. As it stands now, we have 9 games to cover. Can you tell I’m writing this after a day at work and only 4 hours of sleep the night before? It’s a good thing my lack of sleep has do to fun stuff.

El Gran Mono

With remnants of Hand Grenades® still exploding in my head, I shall attempt to prognosticate some weight bench locks. It’s revenge week folks, so if you aren’t pumped up this morning then you are crazy. Congrats to the Big Dumb Animal on his impending nuptials (aptly administered by the Big Dawg).

Cuzzin’ Bailey

I am still trying to get over the Nawlins trip from last weekend. I think our crew set some records on the number of Hand Grenades bought and consumed … (HGs are a really deceptively strong drink). Deceptively, not for a lack of advertising as the “strongest drink on Bourbon Street,” but because its tastes like fruit juice. Anyways, time for Revenge Week number 1…last year I was in Bama for that atrocious loss the Tide handed down to the Gators … this year I expect UF to right the ship … the ghost of Prothro still haunts little Shula, so hopefully when the Gators are up by 30 points he will be smart enough to take out the starters so they don’t get hurt … actually fuck ‘em … leave them in …

Mississippi State at LSU, (-32), 12:30

ML

One word…..BLOODBATH! I know that might confuse some of the “graduates” from each respective “university,” but BLOODBATH is a compound word. Nice OT win for Sly’s crew v. UAB. I hope they enjoy it, it will be the last one for a while. Oh wait! I just realized they play something called Jackyl State. Miss St’s only chance to cover is if LSU plays very vanilla, which they will.

Mr. Hyde State 10

Hiding Some Plays 34

EGM

I can just see the douchebags piling into the Marriot Riverside bar to suck down peanuts, drink ONE ABITA and demand every fucking TV be on the LSU game. That’s right folks, one 50” plasma that is less than 2 inches from the next one, ALL ON THE SAME GAME. It’s official, I now hate LSU and when the wrath of my hatred finally destroys you’re “Chocalate City”, I’ll be moving on to Red Stick for some more. Concerning the game, LSU resorted to a gimmick offense in order to “look good” against Tulane while Miss St actually covered against UAB. JarJar will have his way, but not to the tune of minus 32.

At least Starkvegas doesn’t have refineries 7

# of reverses 38

CB

I guess the oddsmakers have officially deemed Miss State a joke ass team. 32 fucking points??? I mean, I think North Florida would get more respect than that. Well, there might be a chance that LSU is looking forward to next week’s showdown in the Swamp when they go for two in a row against my Gators (I’ll be there). Anyways, one will have to decide whether this will just be a sleepwalk-game to next week or if LSU really wants to make a statement before their second road game. Shit I don’t know …

Dead Dawgs 3

Tigahs 30

Tennessee at Memphis (+13.5), 1

ML

I remember the fun joke back when Tennessee lost to Memphis, when they couldn’t even be called State Champs. They were declared Knox County champs. Funny stuff. I don’t think we’ll get to bring it out this year, because Phat Phil and the Vols will feast on the Tigers (real original nickname there) like he’s at Golden Corral.

Smokey’s Shitty Vols 34

Shady U 10

EGM

Is this a rivalry game? Do people in Memphis know that Knoxville is in Tennessee? Do people in Memphis know that Memphis is in Tennessee? Do people in Memphis realize that their town is a shithole? Why did they stop calling it Memphis State? Are all the schools that are getting rid of “State” gonna want it back some day?

Knoxville State 28

Memphis Tech 14

CB

UT is UF’s Bitch for the rest of the year …. And probably for a long time after that … Anyways, this is the Vols first road game of the year, but it probably won’t be TOO much of a test. The only problem they may face, and apparently this is a reoccurring theme this week, is that next week is going be much bigger for them, as they only have conference games after this. And they start at UGA. I think that Memphrica is going to keep this close…but lose…

Gators Bitch 32

Memphis St. 25

Alabama at Florida (-13.5), 3:30

ML

Revenge…it shall be sweet. JP Wilson has never encountered what lies ahead of him; the patrons of the swamp will be in a feeding frenzy. They will chew up and spit out Jimmy Johns and his cohorts like the Malt Licker eating the crappy sandwiches that franchise sells. I really feel like this is the time Urban puts the nation on notice. The Gators need a dominating performance against a serviceable opponent to put itself back on the map.

Putrid Red Tide 10

Orange Wave of Pain 34

EGM

Revenge is best served cold. Cold like a defensive end pounding you’re sorry ass, redneck QB into the turf. Cold like going to college for seven years and having the choice between managerial positions at Waffle House and Huddle House. Cold like watching your head coach play your best player late in a game only to watch that player snap his leg like a toothpick.

Alabama MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN 3

Vengeful Gators 31

CB

There has been a lot of shit talking going on this week in anticipation of the rematch of last year’s debacle. But for some reason, one thing keeps slipping the Bama fans’ minds when they insist the Gators are in line for another asskicking…These are not the same teams that played last year by any means. Leak is on a tear, and we have the running threat of Tebow to complement him … (fuck you fans who booed Chris by the way)…Bama has been gutted, and they almost lost to Vandy, then did screw the pooch at Arkansas…oh yea … two words … Percy Harvin … ballgame…okay, three words…

Rammer Jammer 12

GATORS! 30

Central Michigan at Kentucky (-7.5), 6

ML

I wonder if UK will miss Mike Patrick and Todd Blackledge’s tag-team knob polishing from last week. OH WOW!!!! They hung tough when their QB played out of his gourd for one half. That first half encapsulates Sucktucky’s entire football history. Playing as well as possible, until 3 minutes are left and then playing prevent and losing the lead. I didn’t think the PC police were going to allow Indian nicknames anymore. I guess I was wrong.

Flesh Eating Savages 14

Paw licking pussycats 31

EGM

Kentucky sucks. Central Michigan sucks. Kentucky is in the SEC. Central Michigan is in the MAC. I’m resorting to mascots. I’m betting a Wildcat could take a Chippewa down.

Going down like an injun with smallpox 14

RICH BROOKS RULES (according to ESPN) 28

CB

The Chippewas are going to Lex-Luthor-ington this weekend for a nice game of Hillbillies and Indians … (all sorts of stereotypes rolling around here)…anyways … maybe I should just stop there … that Lex Luthor comment was so fucking lame … anways, game: CMU got beat by the Gators 82-6 in 1997 … that was awesome …

Chips 16

Dukes of Hazzard 24

Temple at Vanderbilt (-34), 7

ML

Man…Temple’s national trail of tears continues with a visit to Nashville. Has Vandy ever been this highly favored in anything other than ugly co-ed contests and quiz bowl tournaments?

Hooters who lost to $#$%*@#! Buffalo 5

We should never be favored by more than 2 TDs 25

EGM

Temple is probably the worst team in D-IA. The question is whether Vandy is that much better than them. I mean the same Vandy who stuck it out with Arkansas, Michigan and Alabama. I just can’t see Vandy beating anyone by 34…not even if they hacked into the scoreboard.

Saggy hooters 14

Blowing the fucking foghorn 45

CB

The difference between the Gators or other good teams playing POS teams as their extra games, and shitty teams like Kentucky and Vander-douche playing losers is that the game offers nothing to the average viewer … the day that Vandy is favored for 34 points is the day their opponent should pack it in …

Cosby’s Team 10

Vander-losers 42

Georgia at Ole Miss (+18), 9

ML

Eddie O’s pathetic Rebels should be just what Mark pRicht would order up for his fledgling offense. UGA almost lost to a team that lost to a 1-AA team at home. Of course, the Zooker lost to a team that lost to Maine, but that event was the greatest day of the 21^st century for the Gators. Last weeks game was the luckiest day of the 21^st century for the Dawgs

Neutered Bulldogs 30

Suppressed Rebels 7

EGM

Ole Miss was beaten by Wake Forest by 24 points. Why the fuck is this line so low? Personally, I think if Joe “Fire Crotch” Cox would have played the entire game last week the Dawgs would have won by a strong margin. I’m sure that statement offends all the jerks who cut their hair like Matt Stafford. I wonder if Ole Miss fans are pissed they fired Cutcliffe? Naw, they are too worried about the Matt Stafford looking fucks moving in on their territory this weekend. Let the battle of dumb begin!

Red Cox 31

And your lost your girlfriend 10

CB

Ole Piss lost to the lower-level ACC team Wake Forest last week (as predicted) … and UGA struggled and almost lost to Colorado who is terrible (not predicted) … that means this might actually be a pretty good game which is bad news for Dawgs fans…I have been waiting for Brent Schaeffer (sp) to have a break out game this year .. and this just might be it … of course Mississippi’s defense is terrible so UGA should find a way to score some points…

UGA 30

Miss 15

Arkansas – OFF

ML

Cumstain pulled one out of his ass to earn the Nutt a big W.

EGM

Do you think Nutt paid Shula to lose that game? That’s the only plausible explanation. PARTY LIKE THERE’S NO GAME TOMORROW! LET THE BUSCH FLOW!!!!

CB

Nice “no-cover” Win last week … fucking rednecks

Houston at Miami (-16), 6

ML

I heard on ESPN that some UM “fans” have rented 4 planes that will drag banners over the Orange Bowl calling for Coker’s dismissal. So basically that means there will be a fan to plane ratio of 5-1.

Cougs 3

Fans + Planes 24

EGM

You KNOW the Cokeheads are gonna come out of the tunnel like they have been on a weeklong yeyofest since that asswhipping at Louisville. In the days of old, the Cokeheads would have demolished a shite team like Houston, but this is not the same team. Houston has the newest version of Andrilly Klinglare and I’m sure he’ll rack up yards through the air.

Cougar Nation 17

Fans in the stands 31

CB

For “some reason” I have heard that criminal activity in Houston has sky-rocketed in the past year … Miami is known for its rampant drug use … these two teams go together like peas and cocaine … I don’t really know how bad Houston is .. but the folks in Vegas must have lost mucho respect for Miami to only have them giving 16 to a shitbox non-competitor … I’m not very good at picking games and to prove it, I’m gonna go crazy and let Houston beat that spread … all 500 fans that show up to the game get a free 8-ball…

“Ware’s” Andre? 17

Meee-ami 32

FSU – OFF

ML

Talk about a strategic use of the bye week by Dave Hart. The Criminoles really need a breather after that tough one against Rice; especially since the NC State-Duke-BC gauntlet looms on the horizon.

EGM

Try not to get dumber this week. If that’s possible…

CB

Whupped up on Rice last week … fucking badass!! … Douchebags.

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V – Thursday Night Game Edition

Auburn at South Carolina (+14), 7:30

Malt Licker

Well the Spurdog is getting 14 points at home, something I never thought I'd see or type. The Cocks haven't taken down a top 5 team since Ronnie Reagan's first year in office. Meanwhile, Auburn is on a roll and their defense will be the ones providing the most penetration. Everything in my head tells me to take Auburn to cover, but I feel like the Visor will come up with some good play calls to keep this game relatively close.

Plainzzzzmen 24

USC 14

El Gran Mono

Spurdog hasn’t been fazed by Awwwwbuuunnnn’s hatred of drinking or spectacularly under/overachieving teams while coaching in the SEC (9-3 record). Unfortunately, all of those nine wins took place while he was coaching a stud team rather than blackout reliant cockmasters. The Plainsmen will win this game unless they decide to hit Group Therapy for some pre-game jager bombs…hmmm, not very likely. However, BranDONE Cox will keep the game close with his lack of touch and skill against good teams.

We have Irons 21

We used to have Irons 17

Cuzzin’ Bailey

I guess it looks like USC has pretty much bagged this year …well at least they should. The Cocks have played one decent team in the last four weeks …and got smoked. Anyways, Auburn is way better than UGA and therefore I like the Tigers, I like the points, and I like Hand Grenades .. oh wait…where did that come from?...

Plainsmen 35

Cocks 14

Week V Slate of Games

Below is this week's slate of games with Wednesday's current lines. The standings have also been updated (YIKES!).

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Auburn @ South Carolina (+14), 7:30

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Mississippi State @ LSU (-32), 12:30

Tennessee @ Memphis (+13.5), 12

Alabama @ Florida (-13.5), 3:30

Central Michigan @ Kentucky (-7), 6

Temple @ Vanderbilt (-34), 7

Georgia @ Ole Miss (+18), 9

Arkansas - OFF

Houston @ Miami (-16), 6

Florida State - OFF

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV

Cuzzin’ Bailey

God this week is such a fucking let down after last weeks heroics…The Gators beat the douchebag Volunteers IN Neyland Stadium, FSU AND Miami lost which is always a good thing for me … and the Auburn/LSU game did not disappoint, unless of course you were rooting for the Bayou Bengals…Speaking of LSU, I will be traveling to the Pelican State this weekend for a bachelor party … let the insanity begin…did I mention the games this week suck? (Props to the Malt Licker on passing the bar … great news)…

Malt Licker

Wow…huge win for our Gators. Separation Saturday proved to be just that, as the Tigers of Auburn took control of the West, and our Gators took control of the East. Not only that, they also have positioned themselves to be THE dominant team in the state, given the pathetic/anemic/bogus performances of F$U and The “U”. Rumor has it Phat Phil is looking for a big block of cheese that was swiped from his kitchen….Another fucking bogus full slate of non-conference games

El Gran Mono

This week sucks after last week’s stud lineup of games. But since I will be traveling to Katrinaville and doing some no-holds-barred drinking I don’t give two shits. I really wish SEC teams would start scheduling some bigger non-conference games during the middle of the season but its doubtful that will happen. So, for now, bring on NSWE Timbuktu Tech State University-Mombasa! Congrats to Malt Licker on his bar passage! Coming soon, 1-800-Bourbon Boys, defending all your post-game criminal defense needs!

Saturday September 23, 2006

Colorado at Georgia (-26.5), 12:30

CB

One of the great things about this week is that the lines are going to be astronomical; therefore, its sooo easy to pick games … oh wait … damnit!! Anyways, Colorado is the worst fucking team in the world, so you would think that would make this one a no-brainer …UGA came through in a big way last week and shut down UAB … you know I just looked at the Dawgs schedule and with the exception of UT they don’t have a real test until the Cocktail party … look for them to get in a lull before that game … but anyways, this contest is going to bah-low…

We hate women 13

Welcome to Club Athens 45

ML

I have learned 2 things this year, the ACC and Big 12 suck my balls. Colorado’s best player is their god-damned kicker, and UGA seems to have a pretty good defense. This spread seems like it is larger than the UAB spread last week, but I don’t have the energy to see if that actually is the case. All I know is CU likes to rape chicks, and UGA likes to wear J Crew

Buffalo dem hoes 3

Jawja 35

EGM

The Buffs lost to D-IAA Montana State to start the season. The Dawgs handled D-IAA Western Kentucky to start the season. I would much rather write about a possible Montana State-WKU matchup than this piece of shit game. Let’s just say Jawja will have this game in hand before the southern haired, mongoloids in the stands lose the crease in their uber-pressed Tommy Bahama khakis.

Are they still taking stickers off helmets? 0

Masters of shutouts and shitty hair 31

Buffalo at Auburn (-41.5), 2:30

CB

This 12 team schedule really sucks sometimes … the Gators have to play Western Carolina later this year ... Anyways, it might interest me to see whether or not Auburn suffers a bit of a let down after playing their hearts out last week and barely scratching out a win … doubtful.

Buff 0

Aww-bun 42

ML

Wow…way to follow up the showdown with LSU against the worst team in Division 1. The fact that this team is on their schedule is a joke, much like their alcohol tolerance.

Sabres? 6

Plainzmen 34

EGM

Colorado…Buffalo…spooky coincidence or just shitty teams? I’m going with the latter. Auburn is going to destroy Buffalo after getting shutdown offensively by LSU. Look for the Riverboat Gambler to let BranDONE Cox throw the ball in order to mask his shitty stats against teams with a pulse. 41.5 is a huge number, but the Plainsteatotalers will cover that up in the first half almost.

SUNY-Buffalo 7

The Power of Prohibition 49

Alabama at Arkansas (-2), 3:30

CB

Wow, an actual contest amongst all this crap. I really don’t like the Razorbacks after barely beating Vandy, but it serves me right for falling for one of the classic blunders … I didn’t take Vandy against the spread…I KNOW they always play SEC teams tough … but why didn’t I take that into account? … Anyways Bama hasn’t had a real test yet …even though the aforementioned Commodores gave them a real scare…now they have the Hogs and the Gators in back to back road games … this isn’t the same Crimzin Tide team that we saw last year BP (Before Prothro’s disgusting injury) …look for this week to start a two game skid for the boys from Tuscaloosa…

Bamer 20

Ark 24

ML

Nice…..an actual SEC showdown. John Parker Wilson takes on Mitch Cum-stain and Nutt’s big hogs. These teams have a common opponent, mighty Vandy. Vandy lost to ‘Bama by 3 in Tuscaloosa, and lost to the Hawgs in Nashville by 2ish. Looking at it rationally, one would think Arkansas has the edge, because they had an equally tough time beating Vandy, but it was on the road, and they will be playing Bama at home. However, to think this way, one must overlook the Vandy Home Game Corollary, in which Vandy always plays worse at home than on the road, thereby diminishing the quality of Arkansas’ victory last week. Therefore, I’m taking the Yellow Hammer.

Rammer Jammer 20

Hog Hammered 12

EGM

These teams are eerily similar, their offenses are lethargic, tailbacks are good, QB situations are shaky, colors are similar, and they can’t cover against Vanderhateathletique. Bama ramped up their offense against dreadful La-Monroe but look for a return to reality against a moderately good Hawg defense. This game hinges on QB play and Mustain is starting to look good. Nutt needs this game badly and Shula will help him out by using his horrendous playbook.

The beginning of FireMikeShula.com 17

Nuttin up 21

Marshall at Tennessee (-21.5), 4

CB

Wow, UT really fucked up last week huh? Hahaha I love it!! The Big Orange ran out of luck in the fourth quarter as the Gators came up huge with two TDs to erase a 10 point deficit … What in the world should make me think that they are this “solid team” that’s gonna give 21 points to the Thundering Herd and STILL cover?? Oh right … Marshall sucks … Of course after looking like a bunch of saps last week at home … this team may not have any confidence left … oh I hope that’s the case …

Marshall 17

UT 30

ML

I’m sorry Tony Joiner came into Neyland and stole your cheese. However, I haven’t heard much by way of complaints. After all, the better team did win. Even Phat Phil must have realized this, although he was probably upset to notice that a huge block of sharp cheddar was missing from his fridge. I don’t know a god-damn thing about the Thundering Herd, but I feel like they are comfortable in mountain settings, and I see them covering

Hundering Terds 13

Despondent Vols 27

EGM

The Vols are a much better team than I thought. I figured Ainge was doing it with smoke and mirrors but it appears he is actually following typical Cutcliffe-AJ Suggsian Protocol by throwing passes no longer than five yards, letting your receivers do all the work and trying to beat people with trick plays. Against a very shitty Marshall team, that’s good enough to cover at least 4 TD’s. This could be the beginning of another one loss Citrus Bowl trip for Fat Fillip.

Big Green 10

Big Orange 35

Wake Forest at Ole Miss (-2.5), 6

CB

This is great … I was speaking to a friend of mine who is … well, as big a Wake Forest fan as one could be …and apparently the Deacons are on a “dredge of the NCAA” tour … they have played (and beaten) such juggernauts as UConn, Syracuse, and Duke … and if they get past this week they have a great chance of being 5-0 before they get stomped by Clemson in week 6. Ole Miss did what they were destined to do last week and lost to Kentucky … Wake will probably be stuck with their Freshman QB the rest of the year and when they actually play a competitive team that might be an issue…for now the Deacs will have to deal with Crackhead Brent Schaeffer. A doable task…

Wake 20

Mithuthippi 19

ML

Jesus…another shitty game. Ole Miss was spanked by UK and Wake Forest is a crap team in the ACC. It’s like picking between chlamydia and syphillus.

Syphillus ridden Deacons 28

Chlamydic Rebels 21

EGM

Ole Miss has proven to be absolutely atrocious on the road this season after getting handled easily by Rich Brooks excuse for a team last weekend. The real question is whether Brent “Stupid Fuck” Schaeffer throws for more than 100 yards in a game. Wake Forest is an awesome underdog against ACC teams but even the shittiest of the SEC crop will handle them at home. Ole Miss is like Samson, they need to be surrounded by hair in order to harness their strength.

Billy Pack-it-in-the-ass University 17

House That Hair Built 20

Mississippi State at UAB (-10), 7

CB

Finally Miss State can take a break from that awful home stand they have been on. Starting out 0-3, averaging less than 10 points a game, and losing to fucking TULANE, this has to be one of the most embarrassing stretches in recent memory for the Bulldogs. UAB is actually pretty shitty too come to think of it … they got shut out last week sure, but two weeks ago they barely beat East Carolina, so you know their good. I don’t like the 10 point spread, just cause both of these teams suck ass…I think it might be more of a shoot out than anything …

Bulldogs 23

Blazahs 27

ML

After Sly’s boys lost to goddamn Katrina-Lane, I will never pick them until they win. I see the Angry Dragons knocking them off. Especially since Mess St. has to travel to B’ham.

These Bulldogs eat Shit 14

Blaze up fools 28

EGM

Whomever Miss St plays, I’m picking them to cover.

Shitty town, shitty school, shitty team 8

Blazin’ up like Scoop Thomas 20

Florida Atlantic at South Carolina (-29), 7

CB

It has to be the fact that FAU is just God awful that the spread is so high. The Gamecocks haven’t shown anything to anyone this year even when they “shutout” Miss State…that one shouldn’t even count. They barely beat Wofford last weekend, a team that I had never even heard of, and are in for a real asskicking next week when Auburn comes to town…I know they will probably win on Saturday, but I doubt they have the offense these days to make it a real whoopin’…

Failed to get Accepted U 12

U Suck Cock 34

ML

USC could barely beat something called Wofford. So I definitely don’t see them covering the spread against FAU. I’m pretty sure this is the squad led by Howard Schnellenberger, but that might be FIU. Again, I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Owls? 35

Cizzocks 14

EGM

The man who started “the U” takes on the man who made the Gators great. Owls and Cocks…catch the fever. You know Cuzzin’ Bailey will just talk shit about Spurdog when analyzing this game so why should I add anything productive about it. Well, because I’m just a better person than him, that’s why. I can’t imagine Spurdog will allow this to be as close as the Wofford game but with their offense that point spread is insane.

Hooters 10

Need a blackout to cover 38

Tennessee State at Vanderbilt (NL), 7

CB

Two SEC losses by 5 total points, and hanging in with Meee-chigan til the end during the first week, this ‘Dore team may not be the worst ever, but the one they are playing must be very close … if Vandy is getting the No Line call against you, that’s pretty fucking embarrassing…God I hate Vandy…

Tenn State 14

Vand 37

ML

Jesus…the Tenn. St Tigers. You’d think they’d be able to be a little more original than this, especially since it is a black school. After all, this is the race that can figure out 14 different ways to spell Sean, as well as various ways to interject more than one capital letter in a first name. Vandy is the team that can figure out multiple ways to lose in heartbreaking fashion.

LaTigers 6

Dores 27

EGM

Vandy has added diversity into their scheduling by adding all-black Tennessee State. Machenijad will soon follow this lead.

Good band 7

Bring on Temple! 35

Kentucky at Florida (-22.5), 7:45

CB

Coming off a huge win in a crazy hostile place like Neyland Stadium in front of a national audience, and coming from behind, you might expect the Gators to come out flat this week … but I don’t think that Meyer is going to let that happen…I am not suggesting that Florida is going to win every game this year, but trust me, they can handle the Mildcats this week. I even like the spread … I just have a feeling that this team is going to be on a mission to embarrass UK and get all sorts of crazy jacked up before revenge game Numero Uno…looking ahead you say? … Perchance early on…but I predict by the third quarter, the Kentucky sluts are going to be drowning in their Rye … Go Gators!

Blonde Bombshells 6

Mighty Reptiles 55

ML

Wow…this is the first time UK has started 1-0 in SEC pay since 1986. Truly pathetic. This day must be doubly painful for UK fans. Not only will they get to watch their team get rolled like a joint in Spicoli’s van, they know they will be dominated in hoops as well.

Tubby worse than Billy 7

Urban better than Rich 41

EGM

Kentucky has serious problems on defense and Florida is looking to prove they are still a high profile attack after sputtering a little against the Vols. This game is going to be very ugly…in the 1^st quarter. I’d like to take a minute to thank Scoop Thomas for chiefing on some ganja and getting suspended during the toughest stretch of games of the season.

Rich Brooks is rebuilding 10 years after the fact 13

Smokin’ in more than one way 56

Tulane at LSU (-36), 8

CB

LSU really let me down last week…but I did notice a couple of things that caught my attention. 1) JaMarcus Russell is the biggest spaz I have ever seen. He seems like a fucking toddler trapped in a gargantuan body. I mean picture it, the pocket has just formed and he FREAKS OUT, runs around, and fucks up …I think that it was a bad idea for people to tell him how good a throwing-while-scrambling QB he is cause it seems that that is all that he does ... I can’t remember what the second thing I noticed was but I’m sure it was something about the LSU defense … they were great and I would be surprised, considering they play remotely as well as they did last week, if Tulane even crosses the LSU 40 … would it be improper to make a joke about a “Wave rushing into Baton Rouge”? … One would think so …

2-lane 3

LSU 40

ML

Katrina Bowl!!!!! I wonder if EGM will be attending this…methinks not. I don’t blame him. I can already see the cheesy ESPN Gameday montage of flooded streets and destroyed homes. Pardon me while I shed a tear…..

Green Wave of pity 6

Bengal Wave of defensive force and anger 44

EGM

Maybe all the players can exchange building tips before the game and cry on each other shoulders. Or maybe they can share experiences on how they spent 1000 bones of taxpayers dollars on transvestite hookers. Any of that would be more exciting than this game.

GREEN, like waves coming through a levy 10

JarJar actually throws some passes in the endzone 48

Rice at Florida State (-28.5), 3:30

CB

I don’t want to come across like a total Clemzin mark, but I was really glad when those Tigers beat the Criminoles last week. Let’s break down FSU’s season so far. They barely beat Miami (who sucks), they barely beat Troy (who sucks), and the lost to Clemson who is AIGHT at best. I like Rice to play “tough” in this one … I want to see them beat the spread, and since I have admitted to knowing nothing about betting, I am going to go on a limb and say that Rice covers … FSU is a bunch of total losers and their coach is a senile goon who’s inbred son is ruining their program …. I say “Jeff Bowden for Head Coach!!”….

Grain 17

Injuns 40

ML

What a pathetic excuse for a schedule. With the way the Noles are playing, if they had a serviceable schedule they’d be looking at 6 wins tops. As it stands they can look forward to a 3 TD defeat at the hands of the mighty Gators.

Owls 9

Nole$$$$$ 29

EGM

I would bet that 0% of the Crimonole team actually knows where Rice is located. I would also bet that 0% of people attending FSU would be accepted to Rice. I’m sure this game will be LoBook’s coming out party…and by coming out party I mean 25 yds rushing.

Smart Hooters 7

Idiots 35

Miami – OFF

CB

HAHAHAHA…what a great day!! 10 bucks to the first person that sees 5 people with ‘Canes gear on in one week…

ML

Coker death clock…officially passed it’s deadline

EGM

Dear “Cane Fan”:

The “search” for a new coach begins…its too bad you have very little fan base or alumni support to pay for a real one. After all, why do you think you ended up with COKEr in the first place? Snort some yeyo, hit South Beach in your tightest black shirt and buy a $25 mojito because the downward spiral has begun.

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Week IV Slate of Games

Here is this week's slate of games (Caesar's Tuesday Lines as of 10:30 EST - for entertainment purposes only). The ATS Standings have also been updated.

TWO MORE THINGS: 1) Congrats to Malt Licker for passing the bar!
2) GO GATORS!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 23, 2006


Colorado @ Georgia (-26.5), 12:30

Buffalo @ Auburn (-41.5), 2:30

Alabama @ Arkansas (-2), 3:30

Marshall @ Tennessee (-21.5), 4

Wake Forest @ Ole Miss (-2.5), 6

Mississippi State @ UAB (-10), 7

Florida Atlantic @ South Carolina (-29), 7

Tennesse State @ Vanderbilt (NL), 7

Kentucky @ Florida (-22.5), 7:45

Tulane @ LSU (-36), 8

Rice @ Florida State (-28.5), 3:30

Miami - OFF

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week III

El Gran Mono

This could be the biggest week of college football for the entire year. Glorious Gators-Eaters of Poo, LSU-Plainstemperance, Thug Nation-Papa Johns Lovers, Criminole$-Lords of the Grass, Catholics-Affirmative Action Lovers, 90210-Cornholers, Cocks-Terriers…let the games begin!

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well last week was fun huh? I’m starting to get good at this line picking thing… but don’t worry, It hasn’t gone to my head. This is just the beginning of the tough games and I sense a serious drop off in my picks in the near future. There are a couple of really awesome games this week. The Gators are traveling to Ka-noxville and hopefully they are licking their chops … whatever the hell that means of course … the Vols struggled against Air Force and lost a couple of players in the process, I hope that doesn’t give those hicks any sort of spark to win one for the “Gumper” … haha get it .. like Forrest Gump…screw you … that was funny…

Malt Licker

The Football Apocalypse, Showdown Saturday, Uber-Football Day, any number of monikers have been used to define this weekend of college football, and they are all apropos. This Saturday will be BIG….huge….It is so big Phulmer’s Orange Parka pales in comparison. Two season defining games in the SEC East and West, as well as a host of other inter-sectional matchups around the world. This week has dragged on for the Malt Licker, but at long last, Saturday is close at hand.

Arkansas at Vanderbilt (+5.5), 12:30

EGM

It’s really hard to tell how good either team is at this point. Vandy has yet to win but has covered the number twice and kept both games pretty close (tied with Bama until the final minutes). Nutt’s boys got back on track with a craptacular performance against a WAC non-heavyweight. Super speedy McFadden got his full share of carries last week and something tells me that Nutt has something to prove after losing to Vandy last year. I expect Mustain to have the freshman handcuffs taken off and veteran O-Line to plow over Vandy in the second half.

McFadden for Heisman 24

Does Jay Cutler have a brother? 13

CB

Vander-dork did what I thought they were going to do and played Bamer real tough last week…and Pseudo-Kansas took care of Utawr State…the game is being played in Nashville so that automatically puts the Commodores at a disadvantage. The 75 fans that show up will be too busy in their Russian Literature books to worry about the score…I think the ‘Backs have what it takes this week…

Not quite Kansas 21

Dostoyevsky RULEZ 15

ML

This great week starts out with a bit of a stink-bomb, although it is somewhat compelling as Nutt trots out heralded frosh Mitch Mustache for his first start. Vandy has covered two games in a row on the road, and USC just rolled the Hawgs at home, so everything points towards a Vanderbilt cover. However, I have a theory. Vandy is more apt to cover on the road because they will actually be playing in front of people who care. Raucous crowds take the ‘Dores minds off their studies. However, games in Nashville are much more tranquil, permitting thoughts of finance, anthropology and chemistry to enter their minds.

Mustache Riders 24

Distracted Dores 14

UAB at Georgia (-18), 1

EGM

Wow, that Matthew Stafford was impressive last week – three picks and the worst southern hair outside a Tuscaloosa/Oxford Huddle House. But Georgia fans got what they wanted, a true frosh QB at the helm through the meat of the SEC schedule. I’m sure he’ll be super composed at Auburn and the Cocktail party. UAB sucks at running and passing and that makes it really hard to score, especially against a defense like Georgia’s. 18 is a lot of points, but since UAB isn’t going to score at all, it really isn’t that big a number.

UNIVERSITY OF ALA-BAMA! …Birmingham 0

Let’s grow our hair like Matty, the chicks will love it! 27

CB

So what’s the deal here? UGA loses Tereshinski or whatever and the rumor is that the frosh they have playing QB is better? That’s perverse! Anyways, UAB is a bunch of saps … their coach can’t decide on a starting quarterback…so he chose a guy cause he is “from Georgia”…that makes a lot of sense…but since we are picking spreads this year…I may have to actually think about this …their last meeting in ’03 was a squeaker for UGA … that may come in to play again since this Dawg’s freshman tossed tres picks again the hapless Gamecocks … that could mean a closer game than eighteen…right?

Blue Blazers 16

UGA 30

ML

Dawg fans got their wish as Southern-Haired Stafford takes over for Joe Ankle-shinski. Someone wise once said, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. UAB comes to Athens after playing Oklahoma to the brink in week 1 and taking care of East Carolina in Week 2. The last time these two teams played UGA barely edged out the Blazers 16-13. Look for another scary game this week.

Angry Dragons 14

Ugh-A 20

LSU at Auburn (-3), 3:30

EGM

Huge fucking game. Last year Kenny Irons ran all over the Tigers and the Plainsmen still lost. JarJar has played excellent the past few weeks keeping the roto-QB types at bay. Unfortunately for the Gungan, the Plainsmen have a defense full of droids that are willing to drive him back to his water lair. Believe it or not, LSU has more talent then AWWWWBUN and that will come through on Saturday afternoon. LSU’s young, stud D-Line is going to force Brandon “Smooth as Sandpaper” Cox to win this game through the air. That’s not a good thing, considering he’s never embraced this type of game before. Having 8 home games is a great thing but you still have to win them.

Cajuns love the sauce 21

Plainsmen love the temperance 17

CB

Quite possibly the game of the week … yet ESPN has decided to bypass this stellar match up as well as the UF/UT game for Gameday … that makes sense… I mean, I am so much more interested in the SC/uh…somebody else game … anyways, Tigers v. Tigers/Plainsman/WarEagles…a game of epic proportions … notice how I’m not talking about the game … I really have no idea what’s going to happen but I have a sneaky suspicion that Aww-burn is going to win … so I think I’m just going to go with the line here … cause I mean… nothing unexpected ever happens in the SEC right? I just got a reliable tip that the Tigers are going to pull it out, looks like I’m going with the upset…

El-es-ooo 24

Yaw-burn 23

ML

I can give two guarantees with respect to this game: 1) It will be hard hitting 2) The winner will be in Atlanta in December. Vegas makes this game –3, which basically means the bookies think they are even, with the Plainsmen getting 3 points for being at home, and I must say, I couldn’t agree more. Both these teams look to be loaded and have looked very impressive thus far. I feel like the home crowd and a heated up Kenny Irons will brand the Bayou Tigers with an L.

Geaux Home Losers 13

Hitting Toomer’s Corner (Stone Cold Sober Of Course) 17

Ole Miss at Kentucky (-3.5), 6

EGM

“The Battle of the Blondes” - This could be the first time in 45 years that this game is not televised by JP (I refuse to acknowledge their new moniker). Ole Miss got throttled last week by Mizzou on both offense and defense. Mr. Moron himself, Brent Schaeffer, had three picks and a grand total of 90 yards passing. Stats like that are likely to start his sanitation career a little sooner than expected. The real question is how Ole Miss is going to stop Dicky Lyons, Jr. Yes, that’s a real name. What self-respecting biped would call himself “Dicky”? Well, some moron wide receiver for Kentucky, that’s who!

Ole piss in a boot 17

Dicky scores again 24

CB

Eli Manning is rolling over in his grave right now … what a sad day it is when you are underdogs to Kensucky and your name isn’t Idaho Junior College … hell I think Vandy will beat the Cats this year … Ole Miss is really paying for not having a mascot. This indecision is really costing them on the field…I predict that once they get a mascot and especially one that isn’t totally gay, they will go on a tear. For now the team formerly known as the Rebels will get beat …

Mascot U 13

Kenlucky 17

ML

This game is similar to LSU/Auburn in one respect. Both teams are even, evenly shitty, that is. Apparently, Rich Brooks is sick and tired of hearing how big this game is for UK. I wasn’t aware that was the case. I guess if UK wins this game they’ll be 4-8 instead of 3-9. Talk about HUGE! Meanwhile, Baby Vick is finding out that Ole Miss is not playing JUCOs. He has lead them to the 114^th ranked passing offense in the country, which no doubt makes many in Oxford long for the days when C-Cliffe was running things at Ole Miss

Ole Piss 20

2^nd of 4 wins 31

Louisiana-Monroe at Alabama (-25), 7

EGM

Why is Alabama favored by 25 points over anyone? Shit, I bet they would only be giving a couple touchdowns to that Hoover team. Bama officially sucks this year, write it down.

Warhawks bitch 17

John Parker Redneck 41

CB

Seems to me that Bamer is going to be looking to kick the snot out of a team after getting super lucky last week against Vanderbilt. This is the perfect opponent for them. However, it’s a little difficult to decide whether or not the Tide have it in them to beat this team by such a large amount.

L-MON-roe 13

Ramma Jamma 40

ML

I had faith in the bookmakers this week until I saw this line. I don’t care if Lou-Mon is playing their All-Amputee team, they’d be able to keep Bama from scoring 30 points. All they need to do is find a way to get in the end zone once and it is an instant cover.

Lou-Mon would be a great first name 6

Someday we’ll score 30+ 27

Wofford at South Carolina (NL), 7

EGM

After are heartbreaking loss to the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers, the Wofford Terriers find themselves on the road against instate mega-rival South Carolina. I just wanted to use the word Chanticleer in a sentence. South Carolina sucks and they have a new QB named Smelley from Alabama. Hmmm, someone from Alabama with the name Smelley. Coincidence, I think not…look, its even spelled wrong! Side note: I’m betting Jungle Jims is where Phil Petty Blake Mitchell ended his career by punching out asshole some Georgia fans who hang out there. Don’t ask me why…

Short trip back to Spartanburg 0

Hoping Five Points doesn’t claim another QB 33

CB

The Traitor said that they are going to revamp the offense … just in the nick of time huh? … Wofford? Never heard of them … no line…that’s a tough bet to make right? (This just in…Blake Mitchell suspended from the team) … I should probably raise the Cocks score…

Woof 14

USC 34

ML

It was a historic and hectic week for the Cocks. Spurrier was shut out and Blake “Right Hook” Mitchell dotted some fat bouncer at 5 points. So now Spurrier has handed the reins of his “offense” to a running quarterback. This is like Han Solo allowing Princess Leia to pilot the Millennium Falcon. Nevertheless, the Cocks will make Wofford look like a bunch of Ewoks in this battle.

Terriers 6

Chickadees 38

Tulane at Mississippi State (-11), 8

EGM

Tulane got absolutely trounced against Houston last week. Miss State got absolutely trounced against Auburn last week. The difference, Auburn is good and Houston is average. Miss State’s defense should be the difference in this one.

No homes 0

No bars 18

CB

Fucking shit! Tulane must suck total ass to be 11 point underdogs. I mean Mississippi State has scored dick this entire year. And now they are predicted to score at least 11 points???? I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then. Nice 0-2 SEC record you losers…MSU’s season is over…

Tulane 10

Mississippi St 28

ML

Sly’s boys apparently forgot how to score. Last time I checked it was hard to win if you can’t do that. I guess Sly doesn’t like hearing about how he can’t score. He’s like that kid in the 80’s cult classic, “The Last American Virgin,” who couldn’t get laid by a hooker. He also saw his buddy bed the girl of his dreams and get her pregnant. Being an idiotic douchebag he paid for the abortion, only to see this whore get back with the guy who wouldn’t pony up the cash for the abortion. The only way this scenario would be worse is if it occurred in Starkville, Mississippi.

Are they still underwater? 6

Cherry popped 21

Florida at Tennessee (+3.5), 8

EGM

Huge fucking game part deux. The Vols got steamrolled by the flyboys last week but still managed to come away with the win. What would have happened if Air Force managed to punch in that two point conversion? My guess is that John Chavis would be defensive coordinator for his kid’s pee wee team this Saturday instead of the Vols. Losing Harrell and Inky Dinky Doo really hurts, especially since the Vol defense was already super thin. The Gators blitzkreiged UCF last week and Chris Leak looks like he’s starting to get it. Leak looked great his last trip to Knoxville when the Gators were fucked out of victory by some homer Vol ref. This time it won’t come down to a field goal. The Vols won’t be able to run, so this one will be up to Erik Ainge. And considering this guy’s past, that should send Vol fans to OCharley’s with tears in their eyes. Sadly, I’m missing this game for the first time in 10 years. I’ll miss celebrating victory at my cousin’s palatial estate. Pour one out for me…

Starting to look dominant 31

Shit eating dogs 10

CB

Like I said before, UT lost two big dawg players last week, but they are still stacked on offense. The Gator D must realize that this is going to be a much bigger deal than UCF and USM. The Volunteer defense, no matter how many players they’ve lost, will still be totally pumped for this game. They have a solid run game and gi-normous receivers that are really going to test us…er I mean the Gators…I should probably be as unbiased as possible…anyways, I’m thinking this game will either be very, very, uncomfortably close, or the Gators will run away with it …. Let’s hope for the latter, but anticipate the former…

UF 23

UT 17

ML

I don’t know about you, but I’m inspired. I’m inspired by the fact that UT is using cheap tactics in suiting up Justin Harrell for a “lift.” It seems like these are the tactics used by someone scared. That someone, is phat phuckin’ Phil Phulmer. He knows his team is outclassed, and feels he must resort to these tactics to distract from his depleted secondary. I really feel like Urban will have our boys ready. The spread/Leak/Hybrid offense has taken root and Chris is working on all cylinders. A victory this week and I’ll never call him lizard boy again. Another thing making me feel good is that we are actually talking shit again. In the late 90s we knew we’d beat UT, and they knew it, and we weren’t afraid to say it. Look for Percy Mutha-Fuckin’ Harvin to get more touches and rip off 2 long TDs.

Chompin’ and Rompin 31

Pissin’ and Moanin’ 10

Miami at Louisville (-4.5), 3:30

EGM

I watched this game two years ago at the world’s shittiest stadium. It was one of the best games I’ve ever seen. Louisville completely blew the game by dropping an interception on the Cokehead’s go ahead drive. This year, the Cokehead’s have their backs against the wall and find themselves needing a win to stay in the Top 20. Louisville will look to throw to their huge wideouts much the way FSU did in the second half against the Cokeheads. The game changer will be how well Petrino and his sick offense runs the ball. Last time they met, they had absolutely no problems against a better UM defense. In a return to the old COKEr playbook, the Cokeheads will try to run the trap play at least 20 times but they will have to pass to win. I know The Cokeheads are good with their backs to the wall but I just smell an overdose…

Too much yeyo 17

Revenge of the Cardinals 28

CB

I wonder how Miami feels being road underdogs this week. They played crazy good last weekend and Louisville is missing their stud RB … and Miami is still the underdog. Unbelievable. Anyways, seeing as how Louisville didn’t seem to miss a beat last game and the fact that the U played like shit against the only “decent” team they played this year, I am thinking the Cardinals … but close…

Meeee-ami 27

Lou-eee-ville 30

ML

If Louisville had Michael Bush this would be a slam-dunk. As it stands now, they have the highest scoring offense in the country and revenge on their mind after blowing the game 2 years ago in the Orange Bowl. Miami has an idiot at QB, Gollum for a coach, and a bunch of studs playing defense. It is the prototypical case of irresistible force v. immovable object. However, I am worried about betting against UM in this scenario. This seems like the type of game they win, only to go on and lose to someone like Wake Forest. If I had any respect for Kyle Wright I’d take them in this game, but I don’t, so I won’t.

Empty bandwagon 21

BIG EAST 28

Clemson at FSU (-4), 7:45

EGM

Bowden Bowl XXXLMMMICI. What a crock of shit! Ann Bowden…blabla…split sweater…blabla…Tommy really wants to beat his dad…blabla…Pa Bowden really wants to beat his good lookin’ kid…blabla…Jeff Bowden is an idiot…blabla…Tommy doesn’t need a win to save his job…blabla...Pa doesn’t roll over for Tommy this time…blabla…Clemson can’t stop the pass…blabla…all FSU can do is pass…blabla…

Season up in smoke 17

Yds Rushing 28

CB

HAHAHAHAHA Black Uniforms for the Criminoles….this is going to be hilarious… on one leg… haha sorry… on one leg of the uniform its going to say “Unconquered” in honor of the Seminole Indians in FL … this has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard of in my life … oh yea .. Clemzin has lost three starting defensive players … they’re gonna lose…

Clem 23

Blackfeet 30

ML

Bowden Bowl, or as I like to call it, “The Gag Me With a Spoon” Bowl takes place for the 8^th time. Clemzzzon lost a heartbreaker in OT to BC, while FSU eked one out against the men of Troy. No, not USC, Troy. The Nole$ have no running game to speak of, and Clemzzzon seems to be able to move the ball. However, Clemzzzon has not won at Doak in 17 years, and I don’t see it happening this time. I think F$U semi-straightens out their offense to hold off the Tigers.

Least objectionable Bowden 14

Most objectionable Bowden(s) 24

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Week III Slate of Games

Here is this weeks lineup of games and gambling lines courtesy of Caesar's.

Saturday, September 12, 2006

Arkansas @ Vanderbilt (+5.5), 12:30

UAB @ Georgia (-18), 1

LSU @ Auburn (-3), 3:30

Ole Miss @ Kentucky (-3.5), 6

Louisiana-Monroe @ Alabama (-25), 7

Wofford @ South Carolina (NL), 7

Tulane @ Mississippi State (-11), 8

Florida @ Tennessee (+3.5), 8

Miami @ Louisville (-4.5), 3:30

Clemson @ FSU (-4), 7:45

Week II Gameday Pick Summary

Auburn @ Miss State (+20), 12:30
ML: Auburn 21 Miss St 3
EGM: Auburn 31 Miss St 3
CB: Auburn 35 Miss St 3

Ole Miss @ Missouri (-7), 12:30
ML: Missouri 35 Ole Miss 24
EGM: Ole Miss 18 Missouri 17
CB: Missouri 36 Ole Miss 17

Vanderbilt @ Alabama (-15.5), 3:30
ML: Bama 21 Vandy 10
EGM: Bama 19 Vandy 13
CB: Vandy 28 Vandy 15

UCF @ UF (-23), 6
ML: UF 34 UCF 6
EGM: UF 41 UCF 7
CB: UF 45 UCF 14

Texas State @ Kentucky (NL), 6
ML: Kentucky 31 TSU 6
EGM: Kentucky 41 TSU 10
CB: Kentucky 42 TSU 15

Arizona @ LSU (-15), 6:30
ML: LSU 28 Zona 6
EGM: LSU 41 Zona 10
CB: LSU 42 Zona 15

Utah State @ Arkansas (-28.5), 7
ML: Arkansas 38 USU 6
EGM: Arkansas 51 USU 12
CB: Arkansas 50 USU 3

Air Force @ Tennessee (-20), 7
ML: UT 24 Air Force 9
EGM: UT 41 Air Force 7
CB: UT 39 Air Force 16

Georgia @ South Carolina (+3), 7:45
ML: South Carolina 20 UGA 14
EGM: Georgia 17 South Carolina 13
CB: Georgia 21 South Carolina 20

FAMU @ Miami (NL), 7
ML: Miami 31 FAMU 3
EGM: Miami 45 FAMU 0
CB: Miami 45 Famu 10

Troy @ FSU (-30), 6
ML: FSU 45 Troy 3
EGM: FSU 41 Troy 7
CB: FSU 42 Troy 0