Friday, September 08, 2006

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week II

Malt Licker

Week 1 proved a few things. The C-Cliffe factor is in full effect in Knoxville. The Gators still can’t run the football. The Canes and Noles couldn’t find offensive action in a gay bathhouse. USC is good, and the rest of the PAC 10 sucks. Your beloved Bourbon Boys started the year with a bang, picking games ATS at a clip over 70%. We will never steer you folks wrong. Whether it involves road trip suggestions, bourbon suggestions, or risking your life savings betting on 20-year-old kids. This is the site you need.

El Gran Mono

The first week of the year did not include many “good” games but it did show everyone that FSU still doesn’t have a running game and Kyle Wright totally sucks. As for the lines, I hope the geniuses in Vegas continue to overestimate the PAC-10. With a bottle of bourbon in hand I shall continue the magic…

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well, it would appear that I should trust my own Bourbon Boy picks when it comes to gambling. If I had followed my gut feeling about the SC/Arkansas game I would be rolling in a couple hundos … as it were, I bet with my SEC heart and that left me with 46 cents in my fucking account. (Breaking News: a certain site that is the permanent home to some of my moneys past just dropped a 20 spot as there appreciation to my habit, I’m back Baby!!) This week is home to a couple of real jacked up games and one or two actual contests … I’m not going to be as hypocritical as some might expect …the Gators are playing a sub-par team this week just like last week…Georgia at the Cocks is probably the game of week bitches…

Saturday, September 9, 2006

Auburn at Mississippi State (+20), 12:30


Speaking of offensive action, MSU has none. Add to it that they run an offense that looks like it would be big in 17th century Pennsylvania, I am lobbying they change their nickname to the Quakers. Luckily for MSU, they seem to have a pretty solid defense. I see the Riverboat Gambler playing it safe.

Don’t call me Double Down 21

We managed to score, sort of 3


Last Thursday night we found out how much Mississippi State sucks. Last Saturday night we found out that AWWWBUN doesn’t appear to have lost a step and Kenny Irons is a badass. There is no possible way the Western Dawgs could cover a spread under four touchdowns.

Plainstemperence 31

Bad team, black coach 3


Well last week Auburn proved once and for all that the SEC is sooo much better than the Pac-10 that it isn’t even close…huh? What’s that? … Ark did what? … oh shit … well the Tigers still looked good, and guess what…hold on to your hats, but MSU played like total shit! I know this news is probably just too shocking for most of you and I am sorry. Anyways, I’m down with this spread. I wouldn’t give the Plainsmen much more than this cause I am a cautious fellow, but given that this isn’t even a treacherous “Night Game in Starkville,” I’m gonna take the points and maybe gamble with this…

Auburn 35

Miss State 3

Ole Miss at Missouri (+7), 12:30


Big O’s Ole Piss crew rode the coattails of a trick play to beat out their “rivals” from Memphis. I don’t know whether to respect or pity teams like Ole Miss who call games against teams like Memphis a “rivalry.” Actually, I do know, I pity them. This is a weird game though. I know absolutely nothing about Mizzou, other than they used to have a really fast quarterback. Now Ole Piss is the team with the fast QB. It won’t make a lick of difference.

Baby Vicks 24

Show Me the Cover 35


Pinellas County Player of the Year Dexter McCluster showed Memphis who was boss last week as he scatbacked his way to a sick amount of yardage. Some dude named BenJarvus (I’m a huge fan of intraname capitalization) racked up some sick rushing yardage as well. You would have thought they scored a lot of points…but they didn’t. Mizzou rolled up super-creampuff Murray State last week and somehow people are saying they will “easily” replace Brad Smith who owns every record in Mizzou football history. I’m not buying some dude named “Chase” replacing a guy like Brad Smith. After all, Chase on 24 only lasted so long…

Cool names, shitty hair 18

Chasing down a lot of DB’s 17


I really have no idea what the deal was last week for Ole Miss. I even tried to read reviews but by the sound of them the Rebs did pretty well with trick plays and desperation 4th and 1s … I am even less certain about the Tigers (Mizzou). Well I am back from my lesson. Uh yea…Missouri is going to smoke Ole Miss. Thank God too … I am hoping for mass suicides in Oxford. I’m sorry to say, but this is going to send the Gap and Sperry into financial turmoil …

Ole Mess 17

Tiggers 36

Vanderbilt at Alabama (-15.5), 3:30


Am I missing something? Why is Bama favored by so much? They struggled against the Gay Pride Warriors and Vanderbilt went to Michigan and hung with them for a while. Darby struggled and Bama’s leading rusher shares the name with the sub-par sub-place Jimmy John’s. How can an offense only put up 25 points against a team like Hawaii at home? They are easier to score on than an Eastern European hooker hopped up on Stoli.

Cover-dores 10

Low Tide 21


Bama managed to keep the Rainbow Warriors in the game last week by using vintage Mike Shula playbook tactics. I swear there are plays in that book that are designed for negative yardage and interceptions. Vandy, on the other hand, hung with a Big Ten “powerhouse” and covered easily. I fully expect this game to be very low scoring on account of Vandy’s lack of an athletic department and the pure stupidity of Bama that runs from the toothless fuck on row 75 straight to the head fucking coach.

Smarts still don’t win games 13

Morons can only waste so much talent 19


“Vandy always plays us tough” is a quote I heard earlier today. Well that could probably be said every week by a fan of any SEC school…This time it was a Tide fan’s turn. Both teams lost beloved senior QBs after last year and only one has found someone to fill the proverbial shoes … well I guess I could mean that literally too…huh? … Anyways, the Tide should be able to handle the ‘Dores this week, but 15 and a half? … I don’t know if Vandy’s gonna bend over like that …

Nerds 15

Jocks 28

UCF at Florida (-23), 6


Man…I wish I could say I wasn’t disappointed, but I am. Not only did I miss the pre-game festivities, but I was also sitting in a row that had 15 more bodies than it was designed to hold. I should shut up though; the tickets were cheap (Thanks Killbilly). I wonder if Cuzzin’ Bailey were in attendance if he’d be the lone idiot booing the man who is responsible for the prominence of the program he claims to support. The lack of a run game also added to my displeasure. Nevertheless, we won, and I’ll take it. We also saw the dawn of the East Coast Reggie Bush, Percy Mutha-fuckin’ Harvin. Homeboy looks like he glides on ice. The 4th best public school in the state gallops into town lead by George O’Liary, and you can guarantee this job seeker won’t be asking him for resume writing tips.

A school no one would lie about attending to impress 6

THE University of Florida 34


When UCF went D-IA about ten-some-odd years ago, people said things like “we are going to be as good as [insert UF, FSU, Miami] in a few years.” Yeah, that really worked out didn’t it. The sad thing is USF started up the same kinda talk. The only cure for that kinda talk is a bitchslap. Back to reality my Golden Knight friends…

We lost AND we live in Shitlando 7

The Elite Florida Institution in all facets of life 41


George “I lie about my dick size” O’Leary is trying to make it back into the land of respectability by bringing a shit-box team from the brink of the edge to sit with the cool kids at lunch. This reminds me of that movie Can’t Buy Me Love. UCF has spent all sorts of money on coaches and facilities much like Ronald bought that blonde bitch’s attention. And this and that … yea, I turned it off too, but you see my point. O’Leary is a douchebag and so are all the University of Orlando players…

UCF 14

Gators 45

Texas State at Kentucky (NL), 6


Are these the Armadillos? Is the dude from Quantum Leap playing QB? You must be a team from some sort of two-bit Hollywood set to not even merit a line against Kensucky. The only noteworthy thing Kentucky will have done this year has already happened, when they snapped Michael Bush’s leg like a Prothro.

Where’s Kathy Ireland? 6

I’m allergic to Cats 31


Week II – Shit Bowl Part I – Starring: The Texas State Bobcats.

Surprisingly, “Necessary Roughness” was a factually incorrect movie in that Texas State was the Armadillos and Texas was the “Colts”. I have nothing else to say about this game.

D-IAA Douche 10

Rich Brooks rebuilding experiment continues 41


I have been struggling with this all day. Is there no line cause its so obvious that UK is going to get stomped or the other way around? I don’t know shit about Texas State but if they are as good as say a Texas State High School, I would at least put down a line when they play the Mildcats. Kensucky got smoked last week but they are apparently playing some joke of the week team this time around. You know what, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I think Kentucky will regroup and win the game, but closer than “No Line”…

Tejas Estado 15

UK 42

Arizona at LSU (-15), 6:30


I really feel like this is supposed to be Arizona St., since these two teams played last year, but I don’t care. Jar Jar had a hell of an opening game for Less Miles, and Arizona has an insane blonde dude with a terrible haircut for a coach. The Pac-10 is 1-2 against the SEC this year…make that 1-3.

PussyKats 6

Tiggers 28


Zona got their ASS KICKED last time they faced up against the Bayou Bengals. Why would this game be any different? LSU has a juggernaut running game and a track team masquerading as wide receivers. Zona has no chance of stopping LSU. Hey, at least USC found an SEC team they could beat, unlike the rest of the PAC-10.

Mike Bell U 13

Another SEC domination 35


I like that we haven’t had to hear anything about how we should all feel sorry for LSU this year and we can just focus on football. Zona is playing good defense (here’s a shock their coach’s last name is Stoops). But these days, decent defense don’t win you championships when playing a much more talented team. LSU is off to hot start this year after kicking the snot out of UL-Lafayette. I like the Tigers in this one … but closer than, eh who am I kidding…I like LSU BIG…

Wildcats 10

Tigers 30

Utah State at Arkansas (-28.5), 7


The pretty boys from Southern Cal castrated my boy Nutt. If I were the father of that hottie from SC’s broads’ hoops team I’d have castrated Matt Leinart already. Jesus….Utah State lost by 31 to Wyoming. Although I did see that Merlin Olson, member of the famed Fearsome Foursome of the LA Rams and star of hit drama Little House on the Prairie attended this fine institution. This is a matchup between schools whose alumni either marry a bunch of sisters, or marry their own sisters.

Big Love 6

Incest is best…. 38


Week II Shit Bowl Part II – Starring: The Utah State Aggies

I was really wrong about the Hawgs’ chances against USC. I will not be wrong about their chances against WAC underachiever Utah State, everyone “second-favorite Aggies”. Nutt will run the ball mercilessly in this game.

What the fuck is an Aggie? 12

The Mitch Mustain Era Begins 51


Arkansas redemption…yada, yada…Gonna come out strong this and that…Very hungry…right … Here a cliché, there a cliché, that shit still doesn’t give me the 300 bucks I would have pseudo-deserved last week…I’m so glad they get a chance to feel what victory is like this week. I hate Houston Nutt…and if the Malt Licker won’t wake up to him sucking, I’m gonna hate him too … well maybe not…


Arkcan-lose-Cuzzin’s-Money 50

Air Force at Tennessee (-20), 7


It is a classic look ahead game for the Vols, quite analogous to Phat Phil at the dinner table the day before Thanksgiving. He really doesn’t bring his A game, and only polishes off two racks of ribs, one cherry pie, and a pitcher of gravy.

Boz’ Boyz 9

Looking ahead 24


If the Vols can stop a decent running oriented team (Cal). I’m pretty sure they can stop a shitty run oriented team. In one week, the rubber really meets the road. Start eating Vol fans, it helps dull the pain…well, it does for Fat Phil.

Good at flying planes, bad at football 7

Good at football, bad at life 41


Go Air Force Academy! Rape more Cadets! Speaking of rape, name one thing that Academy folks have in common with UT players? Anyways, UT didn’t disappoint last week which makes me believe they may be up for a let down this week. But if they were playing UF or some team that didn’t blow dog that might be the case…however AF is sucking this year and I have no doubt about the winner and the line … well some doubt…oh well …looks like I’m picking most of the favorites this week … talk about living on the edge..

AFA 16

UT 39

Georgia at South Carolina (+3), 7:45


The Dawgs didn’t look that great, aside from Super Southern Hair Stafford, who looked pretty good late. I still think it’s too early for him to start. USC looked like chickenshit, too. Blake Mitchell was on his back more than Jenna Jameson. Spurdog sprinkled in a trick play to put the game out of reach and vanquish MSU. I honestly have no idea what to expect from this game. I am betting on Spurrier’s undying hatred of UGA and the sluggish Dawg offense will lead to the biggest upset at Williams-Brice since…well… never mind.

Humble Dogs 14

The OBC of the AKC 20


I saw a stupid stat that said Richt was like 9-5-1 against Spurrier. Unfortunatley, EIGHT of those wins were as an assistant coach. That’s like saying Chuck “Squeaky” Amato has a winning record against any ACC team. Spurdog’s Cocks looked pretty shaky on offense last week and its impossible to judge the performance of any defense who play against Miss St (they all look great). UGA needed two punt returns to make their beating of the Hilltoppers look serviceable. This game is going to be very low scoring and I think UGA’s power run game will come out victorious in the end.

JT III has a job for another week 17

Not enough crow in the cocks 13


This is by far the game of the week like I said earlier. Last year’s heroics by the refs saved UGA in the game AT Sanford Stadium. This year the Dawgs have to travel to Williams-Brice in Columbia, SC. That is a tough place to play with Benedict Arnold leading the team. I hope for the Cocks fans’ that Spurrier doesn’t do anything stupid like a “Blackout” that worked so horribly about 5 years ago. I wasn’t impressed with the way the Cockheads opened the season against the other Bulldog team last week; that could be bad for Julius Rosenberg and Co…

UGA 21

Guy Fawkes 20

FAMU at Miami (NL), 7


Only half of UM’s 200 fans are still loyal following that display in the Orange Bowl Monday night. FAMU has a cool band.

Band Camp Champs 3

Dade County Champs 31


Week II – Shit Bowl III – Starring: FAMU Rattlers

PSAàThere will be drop boxes at the corner of Red Rd/Miller Dr and LeJeune/Bird for all of your Miami gear you can’t be seen wearing after a loss.

In other news, FAMU has the coolest band on earth…

Bands can’t score touchdowns 0

Even Kyle Wright look good in this one 45


Well I must say, I am very impressed with Miami’s defense this year … they had that dadgum number 7 or whoever was all over FSU’s running game on Monday and their corners were flying around the field like the crackheads of Hurricane teams gone by. Anyways, A&M has a great band, Drumline is a fucking great movie, and there is no line…let me stop wasting yall’s time…

Rattlahs 10

Meeeee-ami 45

Troy at Florida State (-30), 6


Man….Drew Weatherford didn’t look so hot Monday night. I actually thought he’d be better. I had a total wack-job middle school English teacher who went to Troy State. Only now it’s called Troy. Is this a new trend? Is F$U suddenly going to refer to itself as the University of FloridaTallahassee? That would be comical. Almost as comical as Jeff Bowden’s “gameplan.”

Helen’s land 3

Satan’s land 45


Week II – Shit Bowl IV – Starring: Troy Trojans

Despite their win last week, FSU still looks like shit and has no running game whatsoever. But so what man, LoBook is a great guy!

Trojans are from Troy 7

Criminals are from Tallahassee 41


The Trojans haha, like any of the players on FSU have ever used condoms … anyways, Troy should beware dickheads bearing gifts…FSU is probably ready to put all the naysayers to bed and whip up on some weakass opponent and show off new tricks that Jeff Bowden has up his sleeve. I hate FSU. Also, so Weatherford is related to William Wallace, I just lost a lot of respect for Mel Gibson…

Troy 0

FSU 42


Cuzzin' Bailey said...

For the record, I am all about Spurrier the former Florida Head Coach ... not the same feeling when he is beating the "program I claim to support"...

Mercy is for the weak. When a man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy...

Malt Licker said...

So would you boo him at an event honoring the only national championship in UF history?

Anonymous said...

No dude. I would cheer him for that. But unlike you, I won't be lining up to suck his crank in November.

Malt Licker said...

Oh I forgot i was wearing Cocks gear last year when we played them in Columbia....

Cuzzin' Bailey said...

Oh, i forgot ... most of that game haha