Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week III

El Gran Mono

This could be the biggest week of college football for the entire year. Glorious Gators-Eaters of Poo, LSU-Plainstemperance, Thug Nation-Papa Johns Lovers, Criminole$-Lords of the Grass, Catholics-Affirmative Action Lovers, 90210-Cornholers, Cocks-Terriers…let the games begin!

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well last week was fun huh? I’m starting to get good at this line picking thing… but don’t worry, It hasn’t gone to my head. This is just the beginning of the tough games and I sense a serious drop off in my picks in the near future. There are a couple of really awesome games this week. The Gators are traveling to Ka-noxville and hopefully they are licking their chops … whatever the hell that means of course … the Vols struggled against Air Force and lost a couple of players in the process, I hope that doesn’t give those hicks any sort of spark to win one for the “Gumper” … haha get it .. like Forrest Gump…screw you … that was funny…

Malt Licker

The Football Apocalypse, Showdown Saturday, Uber-Football Day, any number of monikers have been used to define this weekend of college football, and they are all apropos. This Saturday will be BIG….huge….It is so big Phulmer’s Orange Parka pales in comparison. Two season defining games in the SEC East and West, as well as a host of other inter-sectional matchups around the world. This week has dragged on for the Malt Licker, but at long last, Saturday is close at hand.

Arkansas at Vanderbilt (+5.5), 12:30

EGM

It’s really hard to tell how good either team is at this point. Vandy has yet to win but has covered the number twice and kept both games pretty close (tied with Bama until the final minutes). Nutt’s boys got back on track with a craptacular performance against a WAC non-heavyweight. Super speedy McFadden got his full share of carries last week and something tells me that Nutt has something to prove after losing to Vandy last year. I expect Mustain to have the freshman handcuffs taken off and veteran O-Line to plow over Vandy in the second half.

McFadden for Heisman 24

Does Jay Cutler have a brother? 13

CB

Vander-dork did what I thought they were going to do and played Bamer real tough last week…and Pseudo-Kansas took care of Utawr State…the game is being played in Nashville so that automatically puts the Commodores at a disadvantage. The 75 fans that show up will be too busy in their Russian Literature books to worry about the score…I think the ‘Backs have what it takes this week…

Not quite Kansas 21

Dostoyevsky RULEZ 15

ML

This great week starts out with a bit of a stink-bomb, although it is somewhat compelling as Nutt trots out heralded frosh Mitch Mustache for his first start. Vandy has covered two games in a row on the road, and USC just rolled the Hawgs at home, so everything points towards a Vanderbilt cover. However, I have a theory. Vandy is more apt to cover on the road because they will actually be playing in front of people who care. Raucous crowds take the ‘Dores minds off their studies. However, games in Nashville are much more tranquil, permitting thoughts of finance, anthropology and chemistry to enter their minds.

Mustache Riders 24

Distracted Dores 14

UAB at Georgia (-18), 1

EGM

Wow, that Matthew Stafford was impressive last week – three picks and the worst southern hair outside a Tuscaloosa/Oxford Huddle House. But Georgia fans got what they wanted, a true frosh QB at the helm through the meat of the SEC schedule. I’m sure he’ll be super composed at Auburn and the Cocktail party. UAB sucks at running and passing and that makes it really hard to score, especially against a defense like Georgia’s. 18 is a lot of points, but since UAB isn’t going to score at all, it really isn’t that big a number.

UNIVERSITY OF ALA-BAMA! …Birmingham 0

Let’s grow our hair like Matty, the chicks will love it! 27

CB

So what’s the deal here? UGA loses Tereshinski or whatever and the rumor is that the frosh they have playing QB is better? That’s perverse! Anyways, UAB is a bunch of saps … their coach can’t decide on a starting quarterback…so he chose a guy cause he is “from Georgia”…that makes a lot of sense…but since we are picking spreads this year…I may have to actually think about this …their last meeting in ’03 was a squeaker for UGA … that may come in to play again since this Dawg’s freshman tossed tres picks again the hapless Gamecocks … that could mean a closer game than eighteen…right?

Blue Blazers 16

UGA 30

ML

Dawg fans got their wish as Southern-Haired Stafford takes over for Joe Ankle-shinski. Someone wise once said, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. UAB comes to Athens after playing Oklahoma to the brink in week 1 and taking care of East Carolina in Week 2. The last time these two teams played UGA barely edged out the Blazers 16-13. Look for another scary game this week.

Angry Dragons 14

Ugh-A 20

LSU at Auburn (-3), 3:30

EGM

Huge fucking game. Last year Kenny Irons ran all over the Tigers and the Plainsmen still lost. JarJar has played excellent the past few weeks keeping the roto-QB types at bay. Unfortunately for the Gungan, the Plainsmen have a defense full of droids that are willing to drive him back to his water lair. Believe it or not, LSU has more talent then AWWWWBUN and that will come through on Saturday afternoon. LSU’s young, stud D-Line is going to force Brandon “Smooth as Sandpaper” Cox to win this game through the air. That’s not a good thing, considering he’s never embraced this type of game before. Having 8 home games is a great thing but you still have to win them.

Cajuns love the sauce 21

Plainsmen love the temperance 17

CB

Quite possibly the game of the week … yet ESPN has decided to bypass this stellar match up as well as the UF/UT game for Gameday … that makes sense… I mean, I am so much more interested in the SC/uh…somebody else game … anyways, Tigers v. Tigers/Plainsman/WarEagles…a game of epic proportions … notice how I’m not talking about the game … I really have no idea what’s going to happen but I have a sneaky suspicion that Aww-burn is going to win … so I think I’m just going to go with the line here … cause I mean… nothing unexpected ever happens in the SEC right? I just got a reliable tip that the Tigers are going to pull it out, looks like I’m going with the upset…

El-es-ooo 24

Yaw-burn 23

ML

I can give two guarantees with respect to this game: 1) It will be hard hitting 2) The winner will be in Atlanta in December. Vegas makes this game –3, which basically means the bookies think they are even, with the Plainsmen getting 3 points for being at home, and I must say, I couldn’t agree more. Both these teams look to be loaded and have looked very impressive thus far. I feel like the home crowd and a heated up Kenny Irons will brand the Bayou Tigers with an L.

Geaux Home Losers 13

Hitting Toomer’s Corner (Stone Cold Sober Of Course) 17

Ole Miss at Kentucky (-3.5), 6

EGM

“The Battle of the Blondes” - This could be the first time in 45 years that this game is not televised by JP (I refuse to acknowledge their new moniker). Ole Miss got throttled last week by Mizzou on both offense and defense. Mr. Moron himself, Brent Schaeffer, had three picks and a grand total of 90 yards passing. Stats like that are likely to start his sanitation career a little sooner than expected. The real question is how Ole Miss is going to stop Dicky Lyons, Jr. Yes, that’s a real name. What self-respecting biped would call himself “Dicky”? Well, some moron wide receiver for Kentucky, that’s who!

Ole piss in a boot 17

Dicky scores again 24

CB

Eli Manning is rolling over in his grave right now … what a sad day it is when you are underdogs to Kensucky and your name isn’t Idaho Junior College … hell I think Vandy will beat the Cats this year … Ole Miss is really paying for not having a mascot. This indecision is really costing them on the field…I predict that once they get a mascot and especially one that isn’t totally gay, they will go on a tear. For now the team formerly known as the Rebels will get beat …

Mascot U 13

Kenlucky 17

ML

This game is similar to LSU/Auburn in one respect. Both teams are even, evenly shitty, that is. Apparently, Rich Brooks is sick and tired of hearing how big this game is for UK. I wasn’t aware that was the case. I guess if UK wins this game they’ll be 4-8 instead of 3-9. Talk about HUGE! Meanwhile, Baby Vick is finding out that Ole Miss is not playing JUCOs. He has lead them to the 114^th ranked passing offense in the country, which no doubt makes many in Oxford long for the days when C-Cliffe was running things at Ole Miss

Ole Piss 20

2^nd of 4 wins 31

Louisiana-Monroe at Alabama (-25), 7

EGM

Why is Alabama favored by 25 points over anyone? Shit, I bet they would only be giving a couple touchdowns to that Hoover team. Bama officially sucks this year, write it down.

Warhawks bitch 17

John Parker Redneck 41

CB

Seems to me that Bamer is going to be looking to kick the snot out of a team after getting super lucky last week against Vanderbilt. This is the perfect opponent for them. However, it’s a little difficult to decide whether or not the Tide have it in them to beat this team by such a large amount.

L-MON-roe 13

Ramma Jamma 40

ML

I had faith in the bookmakers this week until I saw this line. I don’t care if Lou-Mon is playing their All-Amputee team, they’d be able to keep Bama from scoring 30 points. All they need to do is find a way to get in the end zone once and it is an instant cover.

Lou-Mon would be a great first name 6

Someday we’ll score 30+ 27

Wofford at South Carolina (NL), 7

EGM

After are heartbreaking loss to the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers, the Wofford Terriers find themselves on the road against instate mega-rival South Carolina. I just wanted to use the word Chanticleer in a sentence. South Carolina sucks and they have a new QB named Smelley from Alabama. Hmmm, someone from Alabama with the name Smelley. Coincidence, I think not…look, its even spelled wrong! Side note: I’m betting Jungle Jims is where Phil Petty Blake Mitchell ended his career by punching out asshole some Georgia fans who hang out there. Don’t ask me why…

Short trip back to Spartanburg 0

Hoping Five Points doesn’t claim another QB 33

CB

The Traitor said that they are going to revamp the offense … just in the nick of time huh? … Wofford? Never heard of them … no line…that’s a tough bet to make right? (This just in…Blake Mitchell suspended from the team) … I should probably raise the Cocks score…

Woof 14

USC 34

ML

It was a historic and hectic week for the Cocks. Spurrier was shut out and Blake “Right Hook” Mitchell dotted some fat bouncer at 5 points. So now Spurrier has handed the reins of his “offense” to a running quarterback. This is like Han Solo allowing Princess Leia to pilot the Millennium Falcon. Nevertheless, the Cocks will make Wofford look like a bunch of Ewoks in this battle.

Terriers 6

Chickadees 38

Tulane at Mississippi State (-11), 8

EGM

Tulane got absolutely trounced against Houston last week. Miss State got absolutely trounced against Auburn last week. The difference, Auburn is good and Houston is average. Miss State’s defense should be the difference in this one.

No homes 0

No bars 18

CB

Fucking shit! Tulane must suck total ass to be 11 point underdogs. I mean Mississippi State has scored dick this entire year. And now they are predicted to score at least 11 points???? I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then. Nice 0-2 SEC record you losers…MSU’s season is over…

Tulane 10

Mississippi St 28

ML

Sly’s boys apparently forgot how to score. Last time I checked it was hard to win if you can’t do that. I guess Sly doesn’t like hearing about how he can’t score. He’s like that kid in the 80’s cult classic, “The Last American Virgin,” who couldn’t get laid by a hooker. He also saw his buddy bed the girl of his dreams and get her pregnant. Being an idiotic douchebag he paid for the abortion, only to see this whore get back with the guy who wouldn’t pony up the cash for the abortion. The only way this scenario would be worse is if it occurred in Starkville, Mississippi.

Are they still underwater? 6

Cherry popped 21

Florida at Tennessee (+3.5), 8

EGM

Huge fucking game part deux. The Vols got steamrolled by the flyboys last week but still managed to come away with the win. What would have happened if Air Force managed to punch in that two point conversion? My guess is that John Chavis would be defensive coordinator for his kid’s pee wee team this Saturday instead of the Vols. Losing Harrell and Inky Dinky Doo really hurts, especially since the Vol defense was already super thin. The Gators blitzkreiged UCF last week and Chris Leak looks like he’s starting to get it. Leak looked great his last trip to Knoxville when the Gators were fucked out of victory by some homer Vol ref. This time it won’t come down to a field goal. The Vols won’t be able to run, so this one will be up to Erik Ainge. And considering this guy’s past, that should send Vol fans to OCharley’s with tears in their eyes. Sadly, I’m missing this game for the first time in 10 years. I’ll miss celebrating victory at my cousin’s palatial estate. Pour one out for me…

Starting to look dominant 31

Shit eating dogs 10

CB

Like I said before, UT lost two big dawg players last week, but they are still stacked on offense. The Gator D must realize that this is going to be a much bigger deal than UCF and USM. The Volunteer defense, no matter how many players they’ve lost, will still be totally pumped for this game. They have a solid run game and gi-normous receivers that are really going to test us…er I mean the Gators…I should probably be as unbiased as possible…anyways, I’m thinking this game will either be very, very, uncomfortably close, or the Gators will run away with it …. Let’s hope for the latter, but anticipate the former…

UF 23

UT 17

ML

I don’t know about you, but I’m inspired. I’m inspired by the fact that UT is using cheap tactics in suiting up Justin Harrell for a “lift.” It seems like these are the tactics used by someone scared. That someone, is phat phuckin’ Phil Phulmer. He knows his team is outclassed, and feels he must resort to these tactics to distract from his depleted secondary. I really feel like Urban will have our boys ready. The spread/Leak/Hybrid offense has taken root and Chris is working on all cylinders. A victory this week and I’ll never call him lizard boy again. Another thing making me feel good is that we are actually talking shit again. In the late 90s we knew we’d beat UT, and they knew it, and we weren’t afraid to say it. Look for Percy Mutha-Fuckin’ Harvin to get more touches and rip off 2 long TDs.

Chompin’ and Rompin 31

Pissin’ and Moanin’ 10

Miami at Louisville (-4.5), 3:30

EGM

I watched this game two years ago at the world’s shittiest stadium. It was one of the best games I’ve ever seen. Louisville completely blew the game by dropping an interception on the Cokehead’s go ahead drive. This year, the Cokehead’s have their backs against the wall and find themselves needing a win to stay in the Top 20. Louisville will look to throw to their huge wideouts much the way FSU did in the second half against the Cokeheads. The game changer will be how well Petrino and his sick offense runs the ball. Last time they met, they had absolutely no problems against a better UM defense. In a return to the old COKEr playbook, the Cokeheads will try to run the trap play at least 20 times but they will have to pass to win. I know The Cokeheads are good with their backs to the wall but I just smell an overdose…

Too much yeyo 17

Revenge of the Cardinals 28

CB

I wonder how Miami feels being road underdogs this week. They played crazy good last weekend and Louisville is missing their stud RB … and Miami is still the underdog. Unbelievable. Anyways, seeing as how Louisville didn’t seem to miss a beat last game and the fact that the U played like shit against the only “decent” team they played this year, I am thinking the Cardinals … but close…

Meeee-ami 27

Lou-eee-ville 30

ML

If Louisville had Michael Bush this would be a slam-dunk. As it stands now, they have the highest scoring offense in the country and revenge on their mind after blowing the game 2 years ago in the Orange Bowl. Miami has an idiot at QB, Gollum for a coach, and a bunch of studs playing defense. It is the prototypical case of irresistible force v. immovable object. However, I am worried about betting against UM in this scenario. This seems like the type of game they win, only to go on and lose to someone like Wake Forest. If I had any respect for Kyle Wright I’d take them in this game, but I don’t, so I won’t.

Empty bandwagon 21

BIG EAST 28

Clemson at FSU (-4), 7:45

EGM

Bowden Bowl XXXLMMMICI. What a crock of shit! Ann Bowden…blabla…split sweater…blabla…Tommy really wants to beat his dad…blabla…Pa Bowden really wants to beat his good lookin’ kid…blabla…Jeff Bowden is an idiot…blabla…Tommy doesn’t need a win to save his job…blabla...Pa doesn’t roll over for Tommy this time…blabla…Clemson can’t stop the pass…blabla…all FSU can do is pass…blabla…

Season up in smoke 17

Yds Rushing 28

CB

HAHAHAHAHA Black Uniforms for the Criminoles….this is going to be hilarious… on one leg… haha sorry… on one leg of the uniform its going to say “Unconquered” in honor of the Seminole Indians in FL … this has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard of in my life … oh yea .. Clemzin has lost three starting defensive players … they’re gonna lose…

Clem 23

Blackfeet 30

ML

Bowden Bowl, or as I like to call it, “The Gag Me With a Spoon” Bowl takes place for the 8^th time. Clemzzzon lost a heartbreaker in OT to BC, while FSU eked one out against the men of Troy. No, not USC, Troy. The Nole$ have no running game to speak of, and Clemzzzon seems to be able to move the ball. However, Clemzzzon has not won at Doak in 17 years, and I don’t see it happening this time. I think F$U semi-straightens out their offense to hold off the Tigers.

Least objectionable Bowden 14

Most objectionable Bowden(s) 24

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