Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV

Cuzzin’ Bailey

God this week is such a fucking let down after last weeks heroics…The Gators beat the douchebag Volunteers IN Neyland Stadium, FSU AND Miami lost which is always a good thing for me … and the Auburn/LSU game did not disappoint, unless of course you were rooting for the Bayou Bengals…Speaking of LSU, I will be traveling to the Pelican State this weekend for a bachelor party … let the insanity begin…did I mention the games this week suck? (Props to the Malt Licker on passing the bar … great news)…

Malt Licker

Wow…huge win for our Gators. Separation Saturday proved to be just that, as the Tigers of Auburn took control of the West, and our Gators took control of the East. Not only that, they also have positioned themselves to be THE dominant team in the state, given the pathetic/anemic/bogus performances of F$U and The “U”. Rumor has it Phat Phil is looking for a big block of cheese that was swiped from his kitchen….Another fucking bogus full slate of non-conference games

El Gran Mono

This week sucks after last week’s stud lineup of games. But since I will be traveling to Katrinaville and doing some no-holds-barred drinking I don’t give two shits. I really wish SEC teams would start scheduling some bigger non-conference games during the middle of the season but its doubtful that will happen. So, for now, bring on NSWE Timbuktu Tech State University-Mombasa! Congrats to Malt Licker on his bar passage! Coming soon, 1-800-Bourbon Boys, defending all your post-game criminal defense needs!

Saturday September 23, 2006

Colorado at Georgia (-26.5), 12:30

CB

One of the great things about this week is that the lines are going to be astronomical; therefore, its sooo easy to pick games … oh wait … damnit!! Anyways, Colorado is the worst fucking team in the world, so you would think that would make this one a no-brainer …UGA came through in a big way last week and shut down UAB … you know I just looked at the Dawgs schedule and with the exception of UT they don’t have a real test until the Cocktail party … look for them to get in a lull before that game … but anyways, this contest is going to bah-low…

We hate women 13

Welcome to Club Athens 45

ML

I have learned 2 things this year, the ACC and Big 12 suck my balls. Colorado’s best player is their god-damned kicker, and UGA seems to have a pretty good defense. This spread seems like it is larger than the UAB spread last week, but I don’t have the energy to see if that actually is the case. All I know is CU likes to rape chicks, and UGA likes to wear J Crew

Buffalo dem hoes 3

Jawja 35

EGM

The Buffs lost to D-IAA Montana State to start the season. The Dawgs handled D-IAA Western Kentucky to start the season. I would much rather write about a possible Montana State-WKU matchup than this piece of shit game. Let’s just say Jawja will have this game in hand before the southern haired, mongoloids in the stands lose the crease in their uber-pressed Tommy Bahama khakis.

Are they still taking stickers off helmets? 0

Masters of shutouts and shitty hair 31

Buffalo at Auburn (-41.5), 2:30

CB

This 12 team schedule really sucks sometimes … the Gators have to play Western Carolina later this year ... Anyways, it might interest me to see whether or not Auburn suffers a bit of a let down after playing their hearts out last week and barely scratching out a win … doubtful.

Buff 0

Aww-bun 42

ML

Wow…way to follow up the showdown with LSU against the worst team in Division 1. The fact that this team is on their schedule is a joke, much like their alcohol tolerance.

Sabres? 6

Plainzmen 34

EGM

ColoradoBuffalo…spooky coincidence or just shitty teams? I’m going with the latter. Auburn is going to destroy Buffalo after getting shutdown offensively by LSU. Look for the Riverboat Gambler to let BranDONE Cox throw the ball in order to mask his shitty stats against teams with a pulse. 41.5 is a huge number, but the Plainsteatotalers will cover that up in the first half almost.

SUNY-Buffalo 7

The Power of Prohibition 49

Alabama at Arkansas (-2), 3:30

CB

Wow, an actual contest amongst all this crap. I really don’t like the Razorbacks after barely beating Vandy, but it serves me right for falling for one of the classic blunders … I didn’t take Vandy against the spread…I KNOW they always play SEC teams tough … but why didn’t I take that into account? … Anyways Bama hasn’t had a real test yet …even though the aforementioned Commodores gave them a real scare…now they have the Hogs and the Gators in back to back road games … this isn’t the same Crimzin Tide team that we saw last year BP (Before Prothro’s disgusting injury) …look for this week to start a two game skid for the boys from Tuscaloosa…

Bamer 20

Ark 24

ML

Nice…..an actual SEC showdown. John Parker Wilson takes on Mitch Cum-stain and Nutt’s big hogs. These teams have a common opponent, mighty Vandy. Vandy lost to ‘Bama by 3 in Tuscaloosa, and lost to the Hawgs in Nashville by 2ish. Looking at it rationally, one would think Arkansas has the edge, because they had an equally tough time beating Vandy, but it was on the road, and they will be playing Bama at home. However, to think this way, one must overlook the Vandy Home Game Corollary, in which Vandy always plays worse at home than on the road, thereby diminishing the quality of Arkansas’ victory last week. Therefore, I’m taking the Yellow Hammer.

Rammer Jammer 20

Hog Hammered 12

EGM

These teams are eerily similar, their offenses are lethargic, tailbacks are good, QB situations are shaky, colors are similar, and they can’t cover against Vanderhateathletique. Bama ramped up their offense against dreadful La-Monroe but look for a return to reality against a moderately good Hawg defense. This game hinges on QB play and Mustain is starting to look good. Nutt needs this game badly and Shula will help him out by using his horrendous playbook.

The beginning of FireMikeShula.com 17

Nuttin up 21

Marshall at Tennessee (-21.5), 4

CB

Wow, UT really fucked up last week huh? Hahaha I love it!! The Big Orange ran out of luck in the fourth quarter as the Gators came up huge with two TDs to erase a 10 point deficit … What in the world should make me think that they are this “solid team” that’s gonna give 21 points to the Thundering Herd and STILL cover?? Oh right … Marshall sucks … Of course after looking like a bunch of saps last week at home … this team may not have any confidence left … oh I hope that’s the case …

Marshall 17

UT 30

ML

I’m sorry Tony Joiner came into Neyland and stole your cheese. However, I haven’t heard much by way of complaints. After all, the better team did win. Even Phat Phil must have realized this, although he was probably upset to notice that a huge block of sharp cheddar was missing from his fridge. I don’t know a god-damn thing about the Thundering Herd, but I feel like they are comfortable in mountain settings, and I see them covering

Hundering Terds 13

Despondent Vols 27

EGM

The Vols are a much better team than I thought. I figured Ainge was doing it with smoke and mirrors but it appears he is actually following typical Cutcliffe-AJ Suggsian Protocol by throwing passes no longer than five yards, letting your receivers do all the work and trying to beat people with trick plays. Against a very shitty Marshall team, that’s good enough to cover at least 4 TD’s. This could be the beginning of another one loss Citrus Bowl trip for Fat Fillip.

Big Green 10

Big Orange 35

Wake Forest at Ole Miss (-2.5), 6

CB

This is great … I was speaking to a friend of mine who is … well, as big a Wake Forest fan as one could be …and apparently the Deacons are on a “dredge of the NCAA” tour … they have played (and beaten) such juggernauts as UConn, Syracuse, and Duke … and if they get past this week they have a great chance of being 5-0 before they get stomped by Clemson in week 6. Ole Miss did what they were destined to do last week and lost to Kentucky … Wake will probably be stuck with their Freshman QB the rest of the year and when they actually play a competitive team that might be an issue…for now the Deacs will have to deal with Crackhead Brent Schaeffer. A doable task…

Wake 20

Mithuthippi 19

ML

Jesus…another shitty game. Ole Miss was spanked by UK and Wake Forest is a crap team in the ACC. It’s like picking between chlamydia and syphillus.

Syphillus ridden Deacons 28

Chlamydic Rebels 21

EGM

Ole Miss has proven to be absolutely atrocious on the road this season after getting handled easily by Rich Brooks excuse for a team last weekend. The real question is whether Brent “Stupid Fuck” Schaeffer throws for more than 100 yards in a game. Wake Forest is an awesome underdog against ACC teams but even the shittiest of the SEC crop will handle them at home. Ole Miss is like Samson, they need to be surrounded by hair in order to harness their strength.

Billy Pack-it-in-the-ass University 17

House That Hair Built 20

Mississippi State at UAB (-10), 7

CB

Finally Miss State can take a break from that awful home stand they have been on. Starting out 0-3, averaging less than 10 points a game, and losing to fucking TULANE, this has to be one of the most embarrassing stretches in recent memory for the Bulldogs. UAB is actually pretty shitty too come to think of it … they got shut out last week sure, but two weeks ago they barely beat East Carolina, so you know their good. I don’t like the 10 point spread, just cause both of these teams suck ass…I think it might be more of a shoot out than anything …

Bulldogs 23

Blazahs 27

ML

After Sly’s boys lost to goddamn Katrina-Lane, I will never pick them until they win. I see the Angry Dragons knocking them off. Especially since Mess St. has to travel to B’ham.

These Bulldogs eat Shit 14

Blaze up fools 28

EGM

Whomever Miss St plays, I’m picking them to cover.

Shitty town, shitty school, shitty team 8

Blazin’ up like Scoop Thomas 20

Florida Atlantic at South Carolina (-29), 7

CB

It has to be the fact that FAU is just God awful that the spread is so high. The Gamecocks haven’t shown anything to anyone this year even when they “shutout” Miss State…that one shouldn’t even count. They barely beat Wofford last weekend, a team that I had never even heard of, and are in for a real asskicking next week when Auburn comes to town…I know they will probably win on Saturday, but I doubt they have the offense these days to make it a real whoopin’…

Failed to get Accepted U 12

U Suck Cock 34

ML

USC could barely beat something called Wofford. So I definitely don’t see them covering the spread against FAU. I’m pretty sure this is the squad led by Howard Schnellenberger, but that might be FIU. Again, I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Owls? 35

Cizzocks 14

EGM

The man who started “the U” takes on the man who made the Gators great. Owls and Cocks…catch the fever. You know Cuzzin’ Bailey will just talk shit about Spurdog when analyzing this game so why should I add anything productive about it. Well, because I’m just a better person than him, that’s why. I can’t imagine Spurdog will allow this to be as close as the Wofford game but with their offense that point spread is insane.

Hooters 10

Need a blackout to cover 38

Tennessee State at Vanderbilt (NL), 7

CB

Two SEC losses by 5 total points, and hanging in with Meee-chigan til the end during the first week, this ‘Dore team may not be the worst ever, but the one they are playing must be very close … if Vandy is getting the No Line call against you, that’s pretty fucking embarrassing…God I hate Vandy…

Tenn State 14

Vand 37

ML

Jesus…the Tenn. St Tigers. You’d think they’d be able to be a little more original than this, especially since it is a black school. After all, this is the race that can figure out 14 different ways to spell Sean, as well as various ways to interject more than one capital letter in a first name. Vandy is the team that can figure out multiple ways to lose in heartbreaking fashion.

LaTigers 6

Dores 27

EGM

Vandy has added diversity into their scheduling by adding all-black Tennessee State. Machenijad will soon follow this lead.

Good band 7

Bring on Temple! 35

Kentucky at Florida (-22.5), 7:45

CB

Coming off a huge win in a crazy hostile place like Neyland Stadium in front of a national audience, and coming from behind, you might expect the Gators to come out flat this week … but I don’t think that Meyer is going to let that happen…I am not suggesting that Florida is going to win every game this year, but trust me, they can handle the Mildcats this week. I even like the spread … I just have a feeling that this team is going to be on a mission to embarrass UK and get all sorts of crazy jacked up before revenge game Numero Uno…looking ahead you say? … Perchance early on…but I predict by the third quarter, the Kentucky sluts are going to be drowning in their Rye … Go Gators!

Blonde Bombshells 6

Mighty Reptiles 55

ML

Wow…this is the first time UK has started 1-0 in SEC pay since 1986. Truly pathetic. This day must be doubly painful for UK fans. Not only will they get to watch their team get rolled like a joint in Spicoli’s van, they know they will be dominated in hoops as well.

Tubby worse than Billy 7

Urban better than Rich 41

EGM

Kentucky has serious problems on defense and Florida is looking to prove they are still a high profile attack after sputtering a little against the Vols. This game is going to be very ugly…in the 1st quarter. I’d like to take a minute to thank Scoop Thomas for chiefing on some ganja and getting suspended during the toughest stretch of games of the season.

Rich Brooks is rebuilding 10 years after the fact 13

Smokin’ in more than one way 56

Tulane at LSU (-36), 8

CB

LSU really let me down last week…but I did notice a couple of things that caught my attention. 1) JaMarcus Russell is the biggest spaz I have ever seen. He seems like a fucking toddler trapped in a gargantuan body. I mean picture it, the pocket has just formed and he FREAKS OUT, runs around, and fucks up …I think that it was a bad idea for people to tell him how good a throwing-while-scrambling QB he is cause it seems that that is all that he does ... I can’t remember what the second thing I noticed was but I’m sure it was something about the LSU defense … they were great and I would be surprised, considering they play remotely as well as they did last week, if Tulane even crosses the LSU 40 … would it be improper to make a joke about a “Wave rushing into Baton Rouge”? … One would think so …

2-lane 3

LSU 40

ML

Katrina Bowl!!!!! I wonder if EGM will be attending this…methinks not. I don’t blame him. I can already see the cheesy ESPN Gameday montage of flooded streets and destroyed homes. Pardon me while I shed a tear…..

Green Wave of pity 6

Bengal Wave of defensive force and anger 44

EGM

Maybe all the players can exchange building tips before the game and cry on each other shoulders. Or maybe they can share experiences on how they spent 1000 bones of taxpayers dollars on transvestite hookers. Any of that would be more exciting than this game.

GREEN, like waves coming through a levy 10

JarJar actually throws some passes in the endzone 48

Rice at Florida State (-28.5), 3:30

CB

I don’t want to come across like a total Clemzin mark, but I was really glad when those Tigers beat the Criminoles last week. Let’s break down FSU’s season so far. They barely beat Miami (who sucks), they barely beat Troy (who sucks), and the lost to Clemson who is AIGHT at best. I like Rice to play “tough” in this one … I want to see them beat the spread, and since I have admitted to knowing nothing about betting, I am going to go on a limb and say that Rice covers … FSU is a bunch of total losers and their coach is a senile goon who’s inbred son is ruining their program …. I say “Jeff Bowden for Head Coach!!”….

Grain 17

Injuns 40

ML

What a pathetic excuse for a schedule. With the way the Noles are playing, if they had a serviceable schedule they’d be looking at 6 wins tops. As it stands they can look forward to a 3 TD defeat at the hands of the mighty Gators.

Owls 9

Nole$$$$$ 29

EGM

I would bet that 0% of the Crimonole team actually knows where Rice is located. I would also bet that 0% of people attending FSU would be accepted to Rice. I’m sure this game will be LoBook’s coming out party…and by coming out party I mean 25 yds rushing.

Smart Hooters 7

Idiots 35

Miami – OFF

CB

HAHAHAHA…what a great day!! 10 bucks to the first person that sees 5 people with ‘Canes gear on in one week…

ML

Coker death clock…officially passed it’s deadline

EGM

Dear “Cane Fan”:

The “search” for a new coach begins…its too bad you have very little fan base or alumni support to pay for a real one. After all, why do you think you ended up with COKEr in the first place? Snort some yeyo, hit South Beach in your tightest black shirt and buy a $25 mojito because the downward spiral has begun.

Comments, questions, and guest earmarking – bourbonboyspicks@yahoo.com

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