Thursday, October 12, 2006

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC – Week VII

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well in my return to the Swamp ’06, we celebrated another fan-fucking-tastic time. It made me remember the good ol’ days of college … sometimes I wish I were back, most of the time I realize, however, that I doubt I could handle it these days haha … Anyways, another realization that occurred to me was why we generally stayed away from the Salty Dog on the Friday nights before games…that place was like a zoo…a fucking claustrophobic’s nightmare….anyways…the game was phenomenal, and now I’m rolling the dice and heading to Aww-burn this weekend to see if the Gators can continue the trend…GO GATORS!!!

Malt Licker

The Malt Licker would love to make an appearance on the Plains. However, he is starting a new career on Monday and feels it would be unwise to start it off after a bender-weekend. I am worried that the karma effect could hinder the accuracy of my picks. I am really only worried about one pick though….I think you all know what I’m talking about.

El Gran Mono

I’ll never forget walking out of JEEERDAN Hare in the driving rain and that stupid fuck in the camo vest putting his arm around me and saying: “Boy, I guess you better sell dem tickets to the Fiesta Bowl”.

EGM: “We are going to win the rest of our games and go to the national title”

Hick Plainsdouche: “Wha?”

EGM: “You heard me”

Well, we didn’t win all our games, dammit Travis Stephens. But I got one thing to say…PAYBACK IS A BITCH!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Vanderbilt at Georgia (-13.5), 12:30

CB

What is up with UGA??? Barely beat two dogshit teams and then got totally smoked last week! I don’t like the fact that Vegas seems to think this is a new Bulldog team…are they fucking stupid? … Anyways, Vandy lost to Ole Miss last week so I’m not saying they are going to upset Georgia IN Athens, but I do think they will be in this game longer than they should …

Dorks 17

Stoners 27

ML

Wow…so much for that vaunted UGA defense. Nice 51 bomb…I wonder if it harkens back memories to Spur-Dog dropping the hammer on them and Ray Goff. Had the pRicht not been the benefit of 2 kick returns, it would have been as ugly as that time. As it stands now, I think the Dawgs might be supremely pissed off, and they’ll take it out on the Doremats.

Vandy Sucks 14

UGA Blows 30

EGM

I had a sneaky suspicion that the Vols were a lot better than people thought and that UGA was really overrated. The only thing worse than the Dawgs passing game is Richt’s haircut. Please tell me how Floppy Stafford is better than TEBOW (must be spelled in all caps, lest ye anger the TEBOW). JT III is absolutely terrible and Firecrotch isn’t any better. Good thing the Dawgs have some stud tailbacks or else they probably would have lost a couple games before the UT debacle. As for Vandy, they pretty much have nothing going for them except a decent tailback with a hyphenated name. UGA will force the issue with their defense, special teams and all around bad haircuts in order to cover up the points.

But dude, its GRE season 3

Lumpkin & Brown 21

SE Missouri State at Arkansas (NL), 2

CB

Hmmmm, I’m not sure if I like the fact that the ‘Backs upset Auburn last weekend…I mean I like seeing hated teams lose, but I don’t like seeing our schedule weaken in the process … anyways, Arkansas ran all over a supposedly “good” defense…so how do you think they are going to do against a shitty one? … I say really well …REALLY well…

Souf East Mizzou 3

South East Kansas 53

ML

The Big Nutt burst Auburn’s bubble, and no doubt disappointed Cuzzin’ Bailey. Although, his irrational hatred for Nutt has provided much fodder for his ire on this blog, so maybe he’s glad Houston is sticking around. I’m a big fan of guys with first names of cities. Houston Nutt, Dallas Winston, ummmm…I can’t think of any others.

Show Me at least 1 pt 3

Nutts about being 1st in the West 38

EGM

I never expected Arkansas to beat AWWBUNNN. I figured the Plainsmen had a decent defense but I guess I was wrong. Toe McFadden and his boys took down the Plainsmen like speakeasy keepers picking off members of the Women’s Temperance Movement. This game won’t be close…EVER.

Redhawk pride 0

1st in the West 42

Jacksonville State at Mississippi State (NL), 2:30

CB

Wow another “No Line” game … I’m real jacked up about this one … I am going to predict that this is the last game that the shitty Bulldogs win ALL season … sorry I’m mailing this game in yall … its just so GD boooring…

JSU 14

MSU 37

ML

I’m sure we’ve all played the wow…how bad do you have to be to earn a “no line” mark against Mississippi State? So I advise you to scroll down…..

Jaguars St 6

Piss St 41

EGM

Miss State looks to fare better against these Gamecocks. Oh yeah, Miss State blows.

Not so cocky 3

Shitty Dawgs 38

Ole Miss at Alabama (-14.5), 3:30

CB

Let’s see, Bama blew it in their only two tests of the year, however they beat “Duke” last week. Now as a reward, they get a visit from the Conference shit fairy … Ole Miss is on a tear after beating Vandy for their only SEC win this year…Lets see if the football game rivals the contest of which school has the southern most fratastic mops … well, that will hands down go to the Mississippi … so they have that going for them …

A School without a Mascot 13

A School with a Shitty Mascot 20

ML

Big Ed Orgeron comes off his first SEC win of the year to face an ass-kicking at the hands of the yellow hammer. I don’t think this will be a huge ass-kicking, just a Shula-esque ass-kicking.

Ole Piss 10

Crimson Tide 24

EGM

Bama is an enigma wrapped in a riddle rapped in an enigma. They can look absolutely fantastic for two seconds and then almost lose to Vanderbilt the next. Ole Miss has bookended victories around four terrible losses. For some reason, the Crimson Slack Tide can’t seem to put anyone away and the running game has gone nonexistent. All of those things spell no cover.

Don’t give me any of that Ole´ bullshit 14

John Parker Average 28

Florida at Auburn (-1), 7:45

CB

Florida’s schedule from hell makes a stop in the land that education forgot: Auburn, AL. Last night I was thinking to myself, you know, how many times in my life will I be able to just drop everything, and spontaneously get a plane ticket, rental car, and a “ducket” to the game? … So, I’m flying to ATL to hit up the SEC game of the week!! Do I think this is a good idea considering my road record isn’t exactly stellar…probably not. This whole scenario is like finding a TV in the checkout line at Publix and saying “eh, why not?” …Lets just hope the TV actually works when you get home right? … Am I right or what? Anyways, the game looks to be one for the ages. Auburn is coming off a loss to Arkansas at home … and the Gators have avenged two mid-season losses from last year. Both teams have A LOT riding on this … with the resurgence of UT’s offense, its clear that UF must continue to win and one more loss for these Tigers could spell disaster with Arkansas only having two more tests with both at home … I like that (at the time this was set up) the Gators are underdogs … this is the way I like it …

Plainsbitches 16

GATORS BABY!!! 27

ML

Can the impossible trip through the gauntlet continue???? The Plainsmen are coming off a major beating at home, and the beloved Gators are coming off a huge and emotional victory against a “more talented” team at home. Seems like the set-up game of all set-up games. However, the Gators have an extremely solid defense that trumps all. I honestly don’t believe that Auburn is as good as conventional wisdom says. I see a trick by the Riverboat Gambler backfiring, leading to another huge Gator victory.

GATORS!!!!! 27

Kitty-cats 12

EGM

I must admit, I really wish the Plainsmen were undefeated. But instead they decided not to play any defense for an entire game and somehow expect to win. So here’s how this game goes, The Plainsmen can’t throw and want to run the ball real bad, Florida can stop anyone from running the ball, the Plainsmen defense is weak, Leak-TEBOW-Wynn-Baker-Caldwell-Pastor Cornelius-PERCY! and the most important matchup, 2/3 of the Bourbon Boys with the Gator krew in tow versus the pussy ass, tall walleted, alcohol hating town that is AWBUUUUNN. I can’t wait to take my seat in JERDAN-Hare Stadium, stare down the Bobby Lowder wannabes and destroy their season. Pray for a 30 knot wind bitches.

Revenge of the Gator 31

Um, we’ll play UGA every year 13

Kentucky at LSU (-26), 8

CB

Kensucky, Kensucky, Kensucky ….this just isn’t your year … it pains me to see how pathetic this team is … the only silver lining in your future is that with Miss. St., Vandy, and Louisiana Monroe, on your schedule, you have a chance of becoming bowl eligible…What can I say about LSU? You got beat bitch!! … I was there it was extra sweet hearing all the shit talk we were getting before the game and knowing how “great’ you must have felt when the game was pretty much put away in the 3rd quarter … oh yea, tell your jackass cracktastic QB to stop leaving his keys in his car HAHA…

Mildcats 14

LSU 37

ML

The pseudo-southern/Midwestern kitties will take on the angry psuedo-southern/Cajun hurricane refugee kitties at “death” valley. I love how these teams have two of the most generic nicknames possible. I guarantee there are over 15,000 different Tigers/Wildcat nicknames for sports teams across the country. LSU can’t even come up with an original name for their stadium, as they share Death Valley with Clemzon. Meanwhile, I just don’t think UK is 26 points worse than LSWho?

Nice Football Team 13

Nice Levees 33

EGM

The Tigers slammed the switch into self destruct mode after the fumbled snap on the goal line last week. Their defense is ridiculously aggressive and will destroy anything the Rich Brooks rebuilding effort has to offer. Andre “Of Ambiguous Race” Woodson has put some nice games together against shit teams but LSU will own him like a gimp.

Wild Kitties 7

JaFumbles 38

South Carolina – OFF

CB

Guy Fawkes is leading his team into a world of hurt in the second half of this season … UT, Ark, UF, Clemzin???... sucks to be a cock

ML

Nice Strategeric bye before Vandy. Although the Cocks are inconsistent and may need it….

EGM

Can you have a blackout without an actual game?

Tennessee – OFF

CB

Big win against UGA … it must be nice to waste all that momentum on a bye week HAHA

ML

Big Phat Phil will be grubbing on some ribs with reckless abandon

EGM

I smell an All-You-Can-Eat Weekend.

Florida State at Duke (+23), 3:30

CB

Could this be the year that FSU finally collapses and loses to the worst team this side of the Mississip? Duke is getting no respect at home against a bunch of total psychopaths and that is probably accurate … this year we have seen the Criminoles flounder against teams like Troy, Miami and Clemzin … and NC STATE!! I forgot about that hahaha … I know youre thinking, “how did you forget about that?...it was just a week ago?” well, news flash….I was in GAINESVILLE this weekend! I can barely remember my name haha … anyways game … Duke sucks … 23 is a lot of points … I say take the line … I have no idea.

FSU 34

Puke 10

ML

Duke 2 times in a row on the Bourbon Boys Blog. Unfortunately, Coach K’s last name is much more complex than Jeff Bowden’s “playbook.”

Criminole$ 34

Puke 10

EGM

The Nole$ are putting together another midseason losing streak and wasting all kinds of talent. What’s the problem? Ugly Kid Bowden? Check. Papa Bowden? Check. Idiotic Fans? Check. Duke sucks.

Got any strippers to rape? 35

Midnight madness hangover 7

Florida International at Miami (-28.5), 7

CB

So El Gran Mono introduced me to this phenomenal Hispanic broad from Univision this week named Mayra Veronica … I’m thinking she probably resides in Miami and shit … Anyways, for a second I took my eyes off her “gallery” and I saw in her bio she went to Florida International … so now we know she is hot and stupid too … anyways, this is another test for Miami …is it just me or have they played like 5 total crap teams this year? Where do they get off?

FIU 3

UM 48

ML

This spread should be the over/under…..I’ll take the over….barely

Golden Panthers 3

Slurricanes 26

EGM

El Panteros de Oro contra El Huracan de Mierda. Prediction: There will be more Pantero fans then Huracan fans. I didn’t think Miami could cover any spread but they managed to beat the shitbox Tarheels by 20 last week. I have no idea what to think about this game other than I’m glad I’m going to be 500 milos away from it.

THE U – International style 14

THE U – Wasting talent style 27

Comments, morning hate, general newspeak. Direct that shit to bourbonboyspicks@yahoo.com.

2 comments:

jramirez1968@yahoo.com said...

Great job on the website. Sorry Cuzzin Bailey for not making it but what a fucking game!! Go Gators!
José

TNGator said...

Cuzzin Bailey:"So, I’m flying to ATL to hit up the SEC game of the week!! Do I think this is a good idea considering my road record isn’t exactly stellar…probably not."

Cuzzin...You're killing me!!!! I'm living up here in Knoxville supporting the mighty Orange and Blue, and you go and attend an away game against the second best team in the SEC!!! It's obvious that the football gods have decided to punish you for not attending the UT game for the past 4 time in Tennessee (even though you have free room and board). Suck it up and go the UT game in 2008, so you can finally attend an away game without jeapordizing a national championship.

P.S. I now hope UF plays Georgia Tech in a BCS game, so the Yellow Jackets can kick the gator's ass!!!!

ML...contrats on passing the BAR

El Gran Mono...I missed you in Sept. Hope to see you in Dec. in Atlanta..(assuming CB doesn't go to any more away games.)