Thursday, October 19, 2006

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII

Malt Licker

So much for getting through the gauntlet unscathed…Luckily I didn’t make the trip, facing that drive Sunday knowing what happened the day before and knowing that it was the last day of lazy Malt Licker, I may have killed myself. That’s right Ol’ ML is now a…gasp…professional. No more going to class when I feel like it, no more boozing it up on the weekends. In a nutshell, my life is over. I hope it doesn’t affect my musings on this blog. On second thought, given my recent performances, that may be a good thing. I see I’m tied with Cuzzin’ Bailey. However, I settle for nothing less than 60%.

El Gran Mono

Public Service Message: DON’T EVER STAY AT A RED CARPET INN. Ok, I just had to say that after my stay in craptacular Opelika. And you thought the game was bad…yikes. This weekend is full of shit games but fun times at the Big Animal’s wedding should cover up their shittiness. Let the libation flow and the shit fly. And uh…SCREW THE SEC OFFICALS! Revenge awaits…

Cuzzin’ Bailey

So according to the SEC, Chris Leak fumbled right? … I mean is that what they are saying? … Cause if so, they are fucking morons … anyways, that’s all I wanted to say about that … The atmosphere was intense in Auburn, the game sucked total ass … but whatever … SO, the Gators have an off week to prepare to protect their SEC East lead starting with Georgia …but this week, we have a few games that could be very interesting despite the double digit spreads … Bama/UT for instance is an establishment in the SEC so hopefully the Tide (who have apparently given up on the season) can come to play … anyways … prepare yourself for a lackluster version of “The Bourbon Boys”…

Ole Miss at Arkansas (-17), 12:30

ML

Mr. McFadden will have a big ass hog of a day. Nutt’s boys average over 230 yards on the ground, and the O’s Rebs give up more on the ground than the Polish army in 1940. The Rebs narrowly lost to Shula’s Tide, but that is not a huge surprise. Schaeffer is quickly taking the crown as most crack-tastic QB in all the land.

Got any Rocks? 10

Noe, butt we havve plentee of elliterates 25

EGM

Here are two teams going in vastly different directions. After the USC game, I figured Arkansas would be lucky to make the MPC Computers Bowl. It turns out that they control their own destiny in the SEC Wild West and Houston Nutt may still be coaching this team next year. Ole Miss started the season with a HUGE win at Memphis State and has drove directly into a shitstorm ever since. Assuredly, the trip will end with Brent Schaeffer behind bars and Orgeron beginning his serial killer career. The Hawgs will have no problem running the ball for over 200 yards against the lowly Ole Piss defense. Ben-Jarvus may poke one in the endzone but that will be the full extent of the vaunted “We Hate to Pass” Ole Piss offense. Lay the 17 and sleep like you just got off an acid trip.

No points for shitty hair 7

Running Hawg wild 35

CB

How many weeks in a row can we talk shit about the same teams? … Should I even count playing hard against Bama as a positive sign? I really believe that this game is going to be a total blow out … I sort of like the 17 point spread, but I think that the Razorbacks, a team that went to Auburn and turned the Tigers into little bitches, are just going to unload their running game right on top and around and through this pathetic Rebel defense just like Sherman’s scorched earth policies …

RETREAT! 7

Burn Baby Burn 35

Mississippi State at Georgia (-18.5), 1

ML

Does a team that loses to Vandy at home deserve to be 18.5-point favorites? Well, all you have to do is bring in Sly’s crew. They are fresh off a big W over Jackyl State. I suspect the pRicht will be as mad as the coach of the Yankee’s in the Bad News Bears. However, I don’t see him punching Tereshinski or whatever douche they have playing QB. Therefore, any comparison of Sly’s Dawgs to those misfits from California doesn’t wash.

Bad News Dogs 6

Good News Cuz We Might Win 31

EGM

UGA is absolutely pitiful on offense. They shouldn’t be favored by more than 10 against any team in the SEC. It’s hard to score with a QB that has southern hair in his face 24/7, a QB who should be playing fullback or a QB in love with his red pubic hair. You can see Richt’s dilemma. Miss State is 2-2 in its last four games with huge wins over superpower UAB and D-IAA Jacksonville State (in Alabama). Good Ol’ Sly Croom wanted to go out with a bang so he’s moved supershitty Omarr Connor back to the QB position. The extra “R” really adds something that just plain “Omar” doesn’t have. I mean, Omar Sharif may have done OK but Omarr Connor could win at least ten AVN awards.

Sly’s Farewell Tour 10

QB Trifecta from hell 27

CB

Call me crazy, of course this may prove to be an accurate spread, but who the fuck are the d-bags making these lines? … Is Georgia really that impressive whereas they warrant a total asskicking line against another SEC school? … Okay, okay, I know this is Mississippi State we are talking about but still, the Dawgs just lost to fucking Vandy at home, also, considering the line, it begs the question, if Vandy’s sole purpose in the league is to keep the academic scores up and they are “better” than Miss State, then why the fuck are the MSU bulldogs in the conference? … What’s up run-on sentence?

Poor White Trash Dogs 14

Rich White Trash Dogs 32

Tulane at Auburn (-31.5), 2:30

ML

Fuck Auburn!

Greeeeeen Wave 6

FUCK AUBURN!!!!!!!! 40

EGM

3 ½ bars. That’s how many the Plainsmen have. While some Plainsmen dipshits may disagree, a couple Gators confronted a dimwitted Plainsman at Wal-Mart last Friday night at around 3 AM CST. Here’s how it went:

Q: How many bars do you have and name them?

A: We got lots.

Q: How many?

A: We got...uhhhh….Sky Bar….Bodega…Bourbon Street….and uhhhhh…Suppah Cluuub.

Q: Supper Club only counts as half because it’s not close to anything.

A: Well we gots….uhhh….uhhh….we got lots…

Q: Names.

A: (silence)

Yes, the Plainsmen did beat the Mighty Gators and I’m not going to make any excuses. But can the Plaismen continue to refuse to throw the ball downfield and expect to win the SEC? I doubt it. I expect a very lackluster effort against Tulane after expending every inch of backflipping energy last week.

Hurricane Refugees 10

Iced tea anyone? 41

CB

Go Green Wave!!! (Not a chance) Anyways, you know what? I am not going to do what everyone thinks I’m gonna do, and FLIP OUT!!!! I understand that bullshit calls by officials whose children attend Auburn, are part of the game. I understand that. So you really must give the Tigers their props … I mean they beat the number 2 team in the country and the crowd was really pumped … well to be honest the crowd was sitting on their thumbs until, over the loud speaker, EYE OF THE TIGER and other shitty songs were being pumped in louder than anything I have ever heard in my life … the SEC has issued a warning to the school about artificial noise … a rule that has been in effect since the mid 90s … I fucking hate them they knew it was against the rules and they broke them anyways … talk about class … Like I said before, Go Tulane …

SEC Whipping Boy 13

Cheaters 40

South Carolina at Vanderbilt (+3.5), 3

ML

How will Vandy follow-up their biggest win of the century? By getting smacked around by a bunch of Cocks.

Wangs 24

Mushroom Tattoos 14

EGM

I have officially bought into the theory that Vandy players are completely wrapped up in academics when they play home games. Their library has so many books to read and their calculators have so many functions to master. How could anyone concentrate? Spur-Dog spent his entire week drawing up plays in his 1 acre field of dirt. How can Vandy possibly compete with that?

Vanderdork √196

No like calculators 20

CB

I don’t know … I mean Vandy just went to Sanford Stadium and beat UGA for the first time in like 12 years when Gerry DiNardeaux was the head coach, you’d think they would get a little bit more respect at home against an average team. Well maybe USC isn’t just average. This game is probably going to be one of the better ones this week. And as much as I respect Vandy after their past two seasons, I just have a feeling they are going to have a let down after last week’s heroics …

Cocks 24

‘Dores 17

Alabama at Tennessee (-11), 3:30

ML

I know this game is in Tennessee, but is Phat Phil still avoiding going to the Heart of Dixie. Outside of ‘Bama/Auburn, this might be the most vitriolic rivalry in the SEC. I guess this is because Tennessee thinks they’d be the most tradition-rich team in the conference if not for the Tide. However, it might be because Alabama edges out Tenn in pork intake, klansmen, and 400 lb female residents.

Low Tide 17

Smokey Eats Elephant 31

EGM

The Third Saturday in October. Great name for a rivalry. It really shows the originality that the typical Bama/Vol fan brings to the table. I have some great quotes regarding the Tide that I received from Plainmen’ fans last week but I’m going to wait until Iron Bowl week to release them. As for the Vols, they gobbled up UGA two weeks ago much like Fulmer takes down boneless chicken wings. Ainge is red hot and the running game appears to be better with Foster back in the lineup. No one wants to play UT right now, no one. John Parker Average seems to be the only option in big games for the Tide these days because Ken Darby fell into a black hole. The Vols will give up some points but there is no stopping their stud tandem of wideouts. Is it bad if Shula’s plays are written in crayon?

More of a Magenta Tide 17

Ainge for Heisman? 30

CB

You know something stupid? (wow I’m not calling YOU stupid, I meant, do you want to “hear something stupid”….wow again, I mean I’m, never mind).. I was totally about tp write about how this is such a huge rivalry, but since 1994, Alabama is like 3-9 against the Vols. Even the Bear lost in his last year (1982) to UT … Sure I’m leaving out that from 86 to 92 it was all Tide and if it weren’t for Antonio Langham Bama wouldn’t have had to forfeit the 93 “tie” for a loss … but since SEC football became what it is today with the era of Spurrier bringing, God forbid, passing to the Conference, the archaic offense of the Crimson Tide has faltered left and right … Considering this and the fact that UT is on a resurging tear, I wouldn’t expect this one to be in contention in the fourth quarter, but since it’s a rivalry game, shit I don’t know, I guess I’ll go against the spread…

Rammer Jammer 20

Vols are for real? 28

Fresno State at LSU (-32.5), 9

ML

Man…Fresno a 30+-point underdog. Is Trent Dilfer’s dead son playing QB????? I thought that Pat Hill dude had a decent team. Apparently I was wrong. YIKES!!! They are 1-5 and lost to Utah State. Maybe old Pat should look into bringing in Jackyl St.

Calif Dogs 10

Bayou Bitches 45

EGM

Hmmm…night game in Death Valley…LSU destroying everyone not named Auburn or Florida…I’d lay 40 points.

Cali man 7

Teuxchdeuxwn 48

CB

Another “barn burner” in Baton Rouge … I swear it seems these Tigers have played more craptastic teams so far than anyone … I hope JarJarQuarterback can keep his head on for this game …

The other FSU 10

LSU 45

Florida – OFF

ML

I’m too angry to say anything else, but I hope whoever sat next to Lizard Boy Leak and Wilbur didn’t smell the shit in their pants or step in the piss streaming down their legs

EGM

Regroup and let the five game reign of terror begin. BREAK

CB

Well, its time to regroup and win out … the SEC East is still ours … Next on the radar: The Georgia Bulldogs … I can’t wait til Lindsay Scott and Buck Belue DIE!

Kentucky – OFF

ML

This makes me think of the old proverb. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise????

EGM

Rich Brooks gets a week off to fine tune his ten year rebuilding effort.

CB

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this season was over before it began … (p.s. I didn’t mean for that to rhyme so shut the hell up!)

Boston College at Florida State (-4.5), 3:30

ML

I recall a time when you’d have to make some off-color joke about Doug Flutie coming back for BC to have a chance against FSU. Now they are less than a touchdown underdog. Part of me thinks this is sad. I mean, you have this college in the uncaring Northeast with a chance against a former power from THE state of college football. I compare FSU to the Ottoman Empire on the eve of WW1. A once great power that is finally coming to grips with the fact that they are no longer a power. One can only hope that they will split up into tribes like the Arabs and languish in squalor for a century.

Hail Maryyyyyyy 24

Please though, no suicide bombings 17

EGM

Props go to Malt Licker for hitting www.dannysheridan.com for the line. Why he was checking out that site, I do not know. Maybe that’s why he’s in the lead? Maybe he’s a degenerate gamble? Whatever…oh yeah, FSU-BC. The Nole$ suck ass in all facets of the game and another loss would put them out of ACC Coastal Division contention. Circle the wagons? I don’t think so. BC isn’t terrible. FSU is having trouble against any team that isn’t terrible. Book em Dano.

Golden Showers for the FSU Sluts 24

The wrath of the Ugly Bowden continues 17

CB

I’m surprised that the Noles are favored over anyone these days … All I really care about is their match up at the end of the season, but it looks to me that one more loss out of the Criminoles, and they are pretty much done for the ACC championship … I say it happens this week …

Bahston Cahllage 22

FSU 21

Miami at Duke (+17.5), 1

ML

I don’t know what is more idiotic: the brawl; people being surprised and disgusted by the brawl; Lamar Thomas’ comments from the booth; People being surprised that Lamar Thomas would make such comments; or the fact that Puke is making an appearance on this blog for the 3rd time in a row.

Thug U 31

Can’t Spell Douckhe without Duke 10

EGM

Cokehead players got into a fight during last week’s game. Surprised? I think not. What else would you expect from a bunch of dudes fresh off 72 hour yeyo benders? They can only hold it together for so long. I expect the Cokehead players to look even more worn out this week given their Friday night matchup with the Durham strippers. I’d set the over/under on crack pipe burns at 23. The Dookies suck ass. Suspensions or not, I’d take the shitty Cokeheads every time in this game.

“That’s just chalk on my nose, Coach” 31

Coach “Special” K lovers 13

CB

I have two words for Miami, Class-Y. What’s that? One word? … Oh well whatever…Hey nice suspensions … one fucking guy gets the brunt of it? Was it the stomper or the tomahawk guy? This morning I heard the UM prez, Donna Shalala get caught in a lie and got totally called out by the sports radio hosts … well she got called out after the conversation was over, but still it was funny. Man, I feel bad for the ACC. Their nice, safe, passive football seasons are over and done with. No more subpar games with minimal attendance, you know, a big love fest … Now UM has brought in anger and violence to the land of happiness and tranquility … I hope the ACC implodes. Speaking of imploding … Lamar Thomas has just solidified himself in the douchebag hall of fame … oh yea, if I thought that Duke had a chance of winning this game, I would have mentioned it…

Brawl U 45

Puke 20

Comments, anger, free love – bring that shit to bourbonboyspicks@yahoo.com.

4 comments:

Malt Licker said...

Not that I ever want to see it happen again, but something about the Gators seems to bring out the best in all of us....I loved the Cajun spelling of Touchdown EGM, and CB, nice work calling us stupid...classic stuff

Tomas said...

Working man stiff....

Welcome to the club.

Malt Licker said...

CB....per your query at 3 am on my phone via text message...check your own entry regarding the Bama/UT game....dumbass

Cuzzin' Bailey said...

I get it now. The 3am text was a product of many, many, many drinks. Mostly by myself...