El Gran Mono
As I sit down on this Thursday night, I am discovering that my football knowledge is lacking when it comes to the ACC. How can Clemson look so good and be down at the half to Va Tech. Oh well, they’ll put it together. The Hammer of Thor lock is at stake. As for the SEC games, UF-UGA should be a sleeper but Spurrier against Fulmer is always classic. And uh, Tubs plays his old team, that should be…uh…“great”…
Hmm…how do I do a recap on a weekend after an off week? Well I guess I could talk about how awesome it was to see everyone (including the other Bourbon Boys) at our buddy’s wedding. Also I could mention that I went 6-2 last week picking games … now if I only gambled for real I probably would have made a shit load of money … oh well…oh yea … we all drank a lot this weekend, Texas dodged a bullet, Bama lost a heartbreaker, and oh yea this weekend is The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party!!! I understand that the UF and the UGA Presidents have asked ESPN and CBS to NOT refer to the game as such…what a bunch of FUCKING LOSERS! If everyone there is like me and most of my cronies, they don’t like being told what to do, and should react appropriately and drink more … What the hell does Machen (UF’s Prez) think he is doing? Doesn’t he realize that back in the early 90s we were throwing cups of piss on the UT fans? The school has curbed that behavior, and now he just wants to 86 drinking all together … I hate him with a passion… but I love the Gators!!!
This will be ultra-brief. I enjoyed meeting up with my Bboys cohorts at the Big Dumb Animal’s wedding. I don’t remember saying goodbye…hope you forgive me…
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Auburn at Ole Miss (+17), 12:30
Its tough not to mention the sick amounts of southern, craptastic hair that will be flowing around Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. Additionally, the annual “Best Damn Tall Wallet” Competition will be held all weekend long. As for the game, Ole Piss sucks and the Plainsmen are shooting for a BCS birth. Tubs run up the score? No, no, never…
Better football team 28
Better wallongs and shitty hair 7
Speaking of cups of piss, Ole Miss is just fucking terrible … They were (as predicted) just smoked last week by Pseudo-Kansas and show no signs of progress. Furthermore, what is confusing me more and more each week is why did the Rebels fired David Cutcliffe? Did they think they could possibly do better than him with some hickfaced douchebag? I’m curious to see which
Multiple Mascot Hicks 34
Zero Mascot Hicks 10
The Hair/Hot Southern Belle Bowl…I’d rather be on some picnic blanket with Wendy Sue from
Lost virginity in the Aw-Barn 27
Lost virginity in their uncle’s barn…with the uncle 3
Vanderbilt at Duke (+10), 1
Battle of the dorks. No other way to put it. I’m sure everyone will be partying at the expansive Duke library with coffee and crumpets in order to get that in that extra hour of studying time change allows. Puke almost beat Thug U last week but the Doremats bring another element to the table: ridiculous ability to cover on the road. No home library to fuck up your heads for the game but the temptation of the Duke extra hour studyfest does linger. I’m betting that the Doremat players will be too scared of perjurious strippers on the
Love of home studying 21
Love of studying anywhere 10
Well lookie what we have here…the two biggest nerd-fest schools in the south and, aw how cute, they get to pway each other. This should be quite the battle. Both schools are fighting the calls of their invalidity in their respected conferences, in some capacity, by either coming up with big wins this year or playing (former) powerhouses really tough. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the Commodores are favored in this contest. They beat Georgia AT Georgia and Duke is fucking Duke…I say “go landlocked sailors”…
Commodores of the Mississip 27
I saw “The Departed” last night so I’ve got Matt Damon on the mind. Do you think players at these schools dress down kids who don’t memorize the playbook right away like Will Hunting did that Swedish douche mathematician for not knowing how to reduce that uber-equation from hell? Yea…me too.
Vandy got her number 31
Duke hates ‘dem apples 13
Its hard to believe that Rich Brooks & Co are favored against anyone. But
Rebuilding BABY! 17
Tearing down BABY! 14
An SEC team is a homedog to Kensucky … the Apocalypse is on … I wonder, if the Bulldogs win this game it will warrant a goal-posting? … I know I haven’t brought it up in a while, but these nimrods that I’m on a Yahoo! College Football Pick’em league with are total losers … I wish they knew about the Bourbon Boys so they could read it and realize what douchebags they are … of course in this day and age they will probably get A’s in Southern Hair 101 and become legislators in the Magnolia State … go to Washington and fuck their smoking hot staffers … hmmm…doesn’t sound that bad … I’m gonna go crazy here and do something that will seem very stupid at first ….
UPSET ST? 21
The game to determine which cellar dweller is better….wow…that is almost a tongue twister. The cellar dweller with the black feller will lose to the cellar dweller that wears blue sweaters.
Mess St 20
Does FIU have any players that haven’t been suspended? Speak English? Play football well? Probably not. I’m still not taking Bama -35.5 against anyone.
So, two weeks after THE Brawl, and FIU gets to face
The only permissible way Bama can cover 30+ points is if they match up against a shit team, from a shit town, who lost half their squad to suspension for being as thuggish as the thuggish-ruggish brothers from Bone Bone Bone Bone Bone Bone Boneeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Wutcha gon’ do 6
When judgment comes fo youuuuuuuuuuu 44
THE WORLD’S LARGEST COCKTAIL PARTY! UGA has nothing going for them these days. No QB’s, dropsie receivers, injured tailbacks, and a defense on the decline doesn’t equal a Dawg victory. In fact, they will take any win they can get down the stretch. The Mighty Gators aren’t so mighty on offense but with UGA’s shit QB’s they should take at least two to the house.
Fuck Bernie Machenijad 28
Fuck Michael Adams 10
UF has been spanking UGA for like 16 years now (minus the Jamie Richardson incident and the Zooker firing year) … but as my dad always told me, you can never underestimate the Bulldogs. He was watching since the 60s and shit, basically when it was a real rivalry, and he’s always tries to keep me grounded when it comes to being over confident. So while I’m looking at the Vegasites and loving to see that 14 point spread, I’m also cautious cause I don’t want to get “Auburned” this weekend … of course I won’t be there, so it’s a guaranteed WIN!! … Sorry pop … I’m taking the points and I hope we make the UGA fans so upset they will be too pissed to light up their joints …
GATORS BABY, YEA! 34
World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party
My oh my, what damage a douchebag university president can do in such a small amount of time. Seriously, is a nickname for a college football game that big of a deal? Talk about wasted energy. Machenijad must really love
Bullgs (UGA has no “D” or “O”) 13
Leak is Weak 24
Houston Nutt and the Hawgs are rolling. I figured this line would be over 40. Toe & Krew are gonna get their run game on.
Woooo Pig Steamroller 58
Lousiana-Monroe….the most inconsequential thing to come to
Hillary has Hog-like feet 41
Fuck group therapy 20
Not enough cock 13
Big win last week for both teams … one played an over achiever, they other played a former dynasty program. Spurrier did what he so often accomplished at UF and whupped up on the ‘Dores in
McRib x10 33
Golf is more importantly than loyalty 17
Can Phat Phil get revenge on his arch-nemesis? Can Spur Dog help out his alma mater and give them a 2 game lead? Will the Cock-A-Boose be allowed to have Booze? All these questions will be answered. However, the answer to this game lies with which stud WR will have the bigger game.
Maybe Meachem? 16
No, go with Rice 17
LSU – OFF
Hey Les, drinking whiskey and wearing a cowboy hat doesn’t make your QB any smarter.
Man, its nice to have an off week after that grueling match up with Fresno St. Of course I shouldn’t talk too much shit, the meat of their schedule is coming in full force starting next week against the Vols…
Geaux bleaux a geauxt….c’est vou plais
Fire Bowden? Lovable Bobby! No way man. He brought you to the promised land and he wants to lose to UF ten times in a row before self imposing a death penalty on the program. Now that’s what I’m talking about!
Still fast Noles 28
Still slow turtles 20
I totally called FSU blowing it at home in their awesome, black, injun honoring uniforms … I find myself in a dilemma, I totally hate FSU, and that will never change, but I cannot, for the life of me, stand any team in the DC/Maryland area. The Redskins, the Ravens, the Orioles, and ESPECIALLY the Terrapins. I heard their fans rival the Noles fans for “classiness.” The angst is intense, and they fuck your cars up too during games… but the chicks aren’t nearly as hot as FSU’s … that’s not a good thing. As much as I hate Bobby and his pedophile family, I have a feeling that the Criminoles will come up with a win this week, just to confuse the boosters even more …
“Unconquered” HAHA 25
De’Cody Fagg “sprained” his “ankle” and will be out against the Turtles. Speaking of Turtles…remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Of course you do. Well F$U lately reminds me of that bad guy Krang…the brain looking dude. They remind me of the times when his voice fell off and was all distorted. So yea…that’s my theory…F$U right now is a voice distortion.
Nothing to fear about these turtles 14
I would rather put my money on a chimpanzee knife fight than bet on cracktastic Reggie Ball. Believe it or not, the Cokeheads still have a shot in the putrid ACC and this is somewhat of a “big” game. The question is whether the Cokeheads can put together a couple of quality hours in between yeyo benders to play some football. I really don’t think the Cokeheads will win but I just don’t see the Techsters laying six on anyone with reasonable talent. Especially after getting rolled by a Clemson team that SUCKS. I HATE CLEMSON! HAMMER OF THOR DESTROYED! Sorry about that outburst. Its really hard to type when you are this angry. Now that I’m thinking about it. Tech blitzes like crazy…Kyle Wright no likey blitzes.
Kyle Wright for Heisman 13
Two picks for scores 21
Shit, this goes back to my Bama/FIU pick … I’m sure the Canes players will feel right at home in fucking downtown Atlanta. I’ve been there (drunk) … it ain’t pretty. Ga Tech is looking to parlay their one loss conference record into a trip to the ACC championship. I mean this game is serious … UM also only has one loss in the conference and barring some crazy turn of events, the winner here will most likely face off against Clemson … or BC or Maryland or even the DEMON DEACONS….Vegas is totally “dissin” the hoodrats from Coral Gables … and I like it … Coker has no control over his team and any school whose president is that fucking ugly looking should lose their accreditation … sorry I don’t know where that came from … but let’s be honest, she looks like an ape…
UM MUTHER FUCKER!! 22
There will be a coke shortage in Hot-Lanta, especially near all the MARTA stops.