El Gran Mono

As I sit down on this Thursday night, I am discovering that my football knowledge is lacking when it comes to the ACC. How can Clemson look so good and be down at the half to Va Tech. Oh well, they’ll put it together. The Hammer of Thor lock is at stake. As for the SEC games, UF-UGA should be a sleeper but Spurrier against Fulmer is always classic. And uh, Tubs plays his old team, that should be…uh…“great”…

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Hmm…how do I do a recap on a weekend after an off week? Well I guess I could talk about how awesome it was to see everyone (including the other Bourbon Boys) at our buddy’s wedding. Also I could mention that I went 6-2 last week picking games … now if I only gambled for real I probably would have made a shit load of money … oh well…oh yea … we all drank a lot this weekend, Texas dodged a bullet, Bama lost a heartbreaker, and oh yea this weekend is The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party!!! I understand that the UF and the UGA Presidents have asked ESPN and CBS to NOT refer to the game as such…what a bunch of FUCKING LOSERS! If everyone there is like me and most of my cronies, they don’t like being told what to do, and should react appropriately and drink more … What the hell does Machen (UF’s Prez) think he is doing? Doesn’t he realize that back in the early 90s we were throwing cups of piss on the UT fans? The school has curbed that behavior, and now he just wants to 86 drinking all together … I hate him with a passion… but I love the Gators!!!

Malt Licker

This will be ultra-brief. I enjoyed meeting up with my Bboys cohorts at the Big Dumb Animal’s wedding. I don’t remember saying goodbye…hope you forgive me…

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Auburn at Ole Miss (+17), 12:30

EGM

Its tough not to mention the sick amounts of southern, craptastic hair that will be flowing around Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. Additionally, the annual “Best Damn Tall Wallet” Competition will be held all weekend long. As for the game, Ole Piss sucks and the Plainsmen are shooting for a BCS birth. Tubs run up the score? No, no, never…

Better football team 28

Better wallongs and shitty hair 7

Speaking of cups of piss, Ole Miss is just fucking terrible … They were (as predicted) just smoked last week by Pseudo-Kansas and show no signs of progress. Furthermore, what is confusing me more and more each week is why did the Rebels fired David Cutcliffe? Did they think they could possibly do better than him with some hickfaced douchebag? I’m curious to see which Auburn team shows up this week. There is no doubt that the Tigers are going to win, but is this spread too much for those fucking morons from south east Alabama to comprehend? While that maybe a big yes, I think the spread is just right ...

Multiple Mascot Hicks 34

Zero Mascot Hicks 10

The Hair/Hot Southern Belle Bowl…I’d rather be on some picnic blanket with Wendy Sue from Huntsville, Madison from Vicksburg, some roofies, and my whiskey dick. I’d give them the best 45 minutes of their life. Seriously, what must it be like to be an unattractive girl at one of these schools?

Lost virginity in the Aw-Barn 27

Lost virginity in their uncle’s barn…with the uncle 3

Vanderbilt at Duke (+10), 1

EGM

Battle of the dorks. No other way to put it. I’m sure everyone will be partying at the expansive Duke library with coffee and crumpets in order to get that in that extra hour of studying time change allows. Puke almost beat Thug U last week but the Doremats bring another element to the table: ridiculous ability to cover on the road. No home library to fuck up your heads for the game but the temptation of the Duke extra hour studyfest does linger. I’m betting that the Doremat players will be too scared of perjurious strippers on the Durham streets to go abroad.

Love of home studying 21

Love of studying anywhere 10

Well lookie what we have here…the two biggest nerd-fest schools in the south and, aw how cute, they get to pway each other. This should be quite the battle. Both schools are fighting the calls of their invalidity in their respected conferences, in some capacity, by either coming up with big wins this year or playing (former) powerhouses really tough. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the Commodores are favored in this contest. They beat Georgia AT Georgia and Duke is fucking Duke…I say “go landlocked sailors”…

Commodores of the Mississip 27

Puke 10

I saw “The Departed” last night so I’ve got Matt Damon on the mind. Do you think players at these schools dress down kids who don’t memorize the playbook right away like Will Hunting did that Swedish douche mathematician for not knowing how to reduce that uber-equation from hell? Yea…me too.

Vandy got her number 31

Duke hates ‘dem apples 13

Kentucky at Mississippi State (+2), 2:30

EGM

Its hard to believe that Rich Brooks & Co are favored against anyone. But Miss State sucks that much. Ol’ Sly Croom has really done a number on the Western Dawgs, leading them further down the spiral that pig castrating specialist, Jackie Sherrill, started. Andre Woodson is actually a half ass QB and Miss State doesn’t have any half ass players on their entire offense. Somebody must score to win and I’m going with KY.

Rebuilding BABY! 17

Tearing down BABY! 14

An SEC team is a homedog to Kensucky … the Apocalypse is on … I wonder, if the Bulldogs win this game it will warrant a goal-posting? … I know I haven’t brought it up in a while, but these nimrods that I’m on a Yahoo! College Football Pick’em league with are total losers … I wish they knew about the Bourbon Boys so they could read it and realize what douchebags they are … of course in this day and age they will probably get A’s in Southern Hair 101 and become legislators in the Magnolia State … go to Washington and fuck their smoking hot staffers … hmmm…doesn’t sound that bad … I’m gonna go crazy here and do something that will seem very stupid at first ….

RiledCats 20

UPSET ST? 21

The game to determine which cellar dweller is better….wow…that is almost a tongue twister. The cellar dweller with the black feller will lose to the cellar dweller that wears blue sweaters.

sUK 23

Mess St 20

Florida International at Alabama (-35.5), 3

EGM

Does FIU have any players that haven’t been suspended? Speak English? Play football well? Probably not. I’m still not taking Bama -35.5 against anyone.

West Miami ese 7

Bammer 42

So, two weeks after THE Brawl, and FIU gets to face Alabama in Sucksaloosa. I guess after the heartbreak in Knoxville, this will be a nice change and hopefully make the boosters happy. Personally, I wouldn’t want to take the field with some jokers who are A) too stupid to get into Miami, and B) very ANGRY about it … I think the real bet should be whether or not there will be another knock down drag out …

FIU 10

Bama 40

The only permissible way Bama can cover 30+ points is if they match up against a shit team, from a shit town, who lost half their squad to suspension for being as thuggish as the thuggish-ruggish brothers from Bone Bone Bone Bone Bone Bone Boneeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Wutcha gon’ do 6

When judgment comes fo youuuuuuuuuuu 44

Florida vs. Georgia (+14), @ Jacksonville, 3:30

EGM

THE WORLD’S LARGEST COCKTAIL PARTY! UGA has nothing going for them these days. No QB’s, dropsie receivers, injured tailbacks, and a defense on the decline doesn’t equal a Dawg victory. In fact, they will take any win they can get down the stretch. The Mighty Gators aren’t so mighty on offense but with UGA’s shit QB’s they should take at least two to the house.

Fuck Bernie Machenijad 28

Fuck Michael Adams 10

UF has been spanking UGA for like 16 years now (minus the Jamie Richardson incident and the Zooker firing year) … but as my dad always told me, you can never underestimate the Bulldogs. He was watching since the 60s and shit, basically when it was a real rivalry, and he’s always tries to keep me grounded when it comes to being over confident. So while I’m looking at the Vegasites and loving to see that 14 point spread, I’m also cautious cause I don’t want to get “Auburned” this weekend … of course I won’t be there, so it’s a guaranteed WIN!! … Sorry pop … I’m taking the points and I hope we make the UGA fans so upset they will be too pissed to light up their joints …

GATORS BABY, YEA! 34

UGH-A 10

World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party

My oh my, what damage a douchebag university president can do in such a small amount of time. Seriously, is a nickname for a college football game that big of a deal? Talk about wasted energy. Machenijad must really love Adams at UGA, he ALMOST makes Machenijad not look like a total douche. I’d feel really good about covering the spread if Leak wasn’t such a bitch.

Bullgs (UGA has no “D” or “O”) 13

Leak is Weak 24

Louisiana-Monroe vs. Arkansas (-37), @ Little Rock, 7

EGM

Houston Nutt and the Hawgs are rolling. I figured this line would be over 40. Toe & Krew are gonna get their run game on.

LA-NSEW 3

Woooo Pig Steamroller 58

Another ULM barn burner … Faux-Kansas gets a breather before they travel to Columbia next week. They will certainly win this game, but that isn’t the question posed by our new system. Would I take that 37 point spread and run with it, or should I recognize that that’s a shit load of points and how many teams are that bad? Well you know what … I just realized that I am spending way too much time here … I mean its fucking Louie-ana-MON-roe…they blow and Ark has a sick running game. Still, that’s too many points…

ULM 13

Pretend-Kansas 47

Lousiana-Monroe….the most inconsequential thing to come to Little Rock since the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library. With teams like this coming to town, no wonder the Hawgs have only lost 1 out of 20 at War Memorial Stadium.

Lame-O 6

Hillary has Hog-like feet 41

Tennessee @ South Carolina (+5), 7:45

EGM

South Carolina has managed to win a few games lately against the dregs of the SEC. UT is coming off a big scare from a very average Bama team. Can Spur Dog work his magic against the Vols two years in a row? I don’t think so. I just don’t think the cocks have what it takes to penetrate the Vol defense. Roboaingecutcliffe should also manage a few big plays throwing to his thoroughbred wideouts. There just isn’t enough dirt to stop the shiteating Vols.

Fuck group therapy 20

Not enough cock 13

Big win last week for both teams … one played an over achiever, they other played a former dynasty program. Spurrier did what he so often accomplished at UF and whupped up on the ‘Dores in Nashville, beat the spread and showed to some folks that his new team may have turned the corner for the year. Now comes a true test. The Cocks beat the Vols in Knox last time but, that was an off year for the orange hicks. This has suddenly become an ON year for UT … I like that USC is coming around, but I think Phatty McPhatterson’s team is gonna be too much for Spur-dawg…

McRib x10 33

Golf is more importantly than loyalty 17

Can Phat Phil get revenge on his arch-nemesis? Can Spur Dog help out his alma mater and give them a 2 game lead? Will the Cock-A-Boose be allowed to have Booze? All these questions will be answered. However, the answer to this game lies with which stud WR will have the bigger game.

Maybe Meachem? 16

No, go with Rice 17

LSU – OFF

EGM

Hey Les, drinking whiskey and wearing a cowboy hat doesn’t make your QB any smarter.

Man, its nice to have an off week after that grueling match up with Fresno St. Of course I shouldn’t talk too much shit, the meat of their schedule is coming in full force starting next week against the Vols…

Geaux bleaux a geauxt….c’est vou plais

Florida State @ Maryland (+4.5), 7

EGM

Fire Bowden? Lovable Bobby! No way man. He brought you to the promised land and he wants to lose to UF ten times in a row before self imposing a death penalty on the program. Now that’s what I’m talking about! Maryland is really bad but so is NC State and half the other ACC teams. FYI: I now hate Clemson because they are currently screwing my Hammer of Thor lock against Va Tech…DAMMIT! As I was saying, I really like the Noles with their backs to the wall. NO, I really DO!

Still fast Noles 28

Still slow turtles 20

I totally called FSU blowing it at home in their awesome, black, injun honoring uniforms … I find myself in a dilemma, I totally hate FSU, and that will never change, but I cannot, for the life of me, stand any team in the DC/Maryland area. The Redskins, the Ravens, the Orioles, and ESPECIALLY the Terrapins. I heard their fans rival the Noles fans for “classiness.” The angst is intense, and they fuck your cars up too during games… but the chicks aren’t nearly as hot as FSU’s … that’s not a good thing. As much as I hate Bobby and his pedophile family, I have a feeling that the Criminoles will come up with a win this week, just to confuse the boosters even more …

“Unconquered” HAHA 25

Terps 20

De’Cody Fagg “sprained” his “ankle” and will be out against the Turtles. Speaking of Turtles…remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Of course you do. Well F$U lately reminds me of that bad guy Krang…the brain looking dude. They remind me of the times when his voice fell off and was all distorted. So yea…that’s my theory…F$U right now is a voice distortion.

KrrAANNgaaa 20

Nothing to fear about these turtles 14

Miami @ Georgia Tech (-6), 3:30

EGM

I would rather put my money on a chimpanzee knife fight than bet on cracktastic Reggie Ball. Believe it or not, the Cokeheads still have a shot in the putrid ACC and this is somewhat of a “big” game. The question is whether the Cokeheads can put together a couple of quality hours in between yeyo benders to play some football. I really don’t think the Cokeheads will win but I just don’t see the Techsters laying six on anyone with reasonable talent. Especially after getting rolled by a Clemson team that SUCKS. I HATE CLEMSON! HAMMER OF THOR DESTROYED! Sorry about that outburst. Its really hard to type when you are this angry. Now that I’m thinking about it. Tech blitzes like crazy…Kyle Wright no likey blitzes.

Kyle Wright for Heisman 13

Two picks for scores 21

Shit, this goes back to my Bama/FIU pick … I’m sure the Canes players will feel right at home in fucking downtown Atlanta. I’ve been there (drunk) … it ain’t pretty. Ga Tech is looking to parlay their one loss conference record into a trip to the ACC championship. I mean this game is serious … UM also only has one loss in the conference and barring some crazy turn of events, the winner here will most likely face off against Clemson … or BC or Maryland or even the DEMON DEACONS….Vegas is totally “dissin” the hoodrats from Coral Gables … and I like it … Coker has no control over his team and any school whose president is that fucking ugly looking should lose their accreditation … sorry I don’t know where that came from … but let’s be honest, she looks like an ape…

UM MUTHER FUCKER!! 22

Jackets 30

There will be a coke shortage in Hot-Lanta, especially near all the MARTA stops.

UM 14

Tech 24