Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week X

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well we beat Georgia and per usual, I should have listened to my dad. The Gators couldn’t add to their 3 touchdown lead in the 2^nd half and basically played like they wanted to lose…that’s great. But this week, UF has a chance to clinch the SEC East with a win AT Vandy, and a Volunteer loss at home to LSU…You know what I was just thinking about? See, if Ohio State and Michigan keep these huge leads in the BCS to the end of the year and when they play each other it’s a close game, there is a good chance that they won’t move much considering most folks behind them (the good ones) will have one loss. Therefore,hat we will have here is my fourth worst nightmare in College Football … an all Big 10 National Championship game … Can you fucking imagine?

Malt Licker

Wow…. it’s the home stretch already. It seems like just yesterday that FSU had a winning record…oh wait…have they even had one this year? I’m currently watching the Big Least showdown on Thursday night. That’s when you know you are a second rate conference. Thursday nights are for teams that need to work some angle to get national exposure. I know we have some military folks who may be reading, so per John F. Kerry’s request, I’m gonna “keep it grade school.” Actually, Fuck that Douchebag…the essence of elitist condescension.

I’m the Malt Licker, and I approve of this message.

PS – RIP Red Auerbach – the greatest ever!

El Gran Mono

The first week of November brings us exactly two decent games and two teams from the state of Florida on a massive downward spiral. The best part is I will be drinking my ass off at the USF-Pitt game with a portable TV, watching the Gators and enjoying every bit of it. Go Bulls…or more like it…GO GETTIN’ DRUNK!

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Mississippi State at Alabama (-14), 12:30

CB

Well I mean it IS Mississippi State right? … Bama may suck, but they at least know what it feels like to win an SEC game this year. Sure the Bulldogs have lost their last two games by a combined 6 points, but let’s be honest (for the first time): they played at UGA and got 5 turnovers, and still lost, oh yea Georgia sucks; and then they just got beat by Kentucky … I mean that should say it all … they were worked last week, and Kentucky sucks too … I like Bama taking the points … I’m not going to suspect for a second that the Tide would commit stupid turnovers and keep MSU in the game, cause seriously, they play way too conservatively…

Shitdogs 13

Tide 30

ML

Sly invades his alma mater and the school that spurned him for Baby Shula. The losers from Starkville bring in their customarily terrible record. The Pachys seem to be angling for a trip to the Weedeater bowl. The offense in this game will set football back 40,000 years.

Bulldogs BC 4

Wooly Mammoths 11

EGM

According to ESPN, Sly Croom has no time restrictions on when Miss State should be good again. It appears Sly is aware of that and he’s taking the scenic route. No viable skills players. Home dogs against KY. You would think Bama would destroy a team like that. Well, you would be wrong. Bama plays to their competition on a weekly basis because their running game sucks and Mike Shula sucks. Miss State actually has a chance of winning this game and that is a sad state of affairs.

West Coast Shitty Style 17

Mike Shula Shitty Style 20

Florida at Vanderbilt (+14), 12:30

CB

Wow, another 14 point spread against an equally inferior opponent for the Gators. However, Vandy actually beat UGA in Athens, so is a two TD spread warranted? Of course it is…Vanderbilt is fucking terrible … and they don’t have their savior Jay Cutler, that’s bad news for the ‘Dores. Point being: The Gators need to cut down on the mistakes that kept the Bulldogs in the game last week. They need to run the ball with a running back. And stop dropping passes and play Tebow and let Tebow pass, and run reverses with Percy … and … well shit even if they don’t do any of those things, I’ll bet we win…

Gators! 33

Vandi 14

ML

We need some Vandy dorks to explain to Lizard boy, Chris Weak, that it is not wise to try and play football with a concussion. That can cause some serious brain bramage. I don’t know if I should feel better about our offensive performance (double entendre) because our “leader” was concussed, or feel bad because our coaches couldn’t detect that said leader was concussed.

Does Chris know where he is? 24

Vandy…not scary 14

EGM

The Gator offense is its own worst enemy. Kinda like a hot chick with herpes sores. Leak looks great one second and the offense is running smoothly but then Mattison decides its double-reverse, three yard curl route funtime. The Gators are usually good for about 21-28 points with one of the TD’s being of the defensive nature. This scoring total should rise on account of Vanderbilt’s like of size, speed and late-night library habits. Slamming no-dose in order to understand wave-particle theory usually doesn’t translate to upsets. Vandy’s QB is getting better but they are still a one-dimensional, running-only attack and that should play to the Gators strengths. I’m laying the points with Vandy at home and library shenanigans at an all time high.

Triple-D Redheads on Valtrex 31

Atomic # of Nitrogen 7

Georgia at Kentucky (+6.5), 1

CB

You know what? I have a strange feeling that this is going to be a decent game. I know that is kind of a crack on Georgia and I guess a compliment to UK, but I can’t help it. UGA has been struggling and (albeit with the help of the turnover fairy) could have lost to Mississippi State, where as only a late surge by MSU kept the Western Dogs from getting the shit kicked out of them by the Mildcats. But you know what is more exciting than the game itself … The fact that this is the annual smoking-hot-coed-gathering. Slutty looking Georgia girls, and sweet, gorgeous Kentucky skanks … Hey camera guys I’ve got two words for you ZOOM IN!

Where the clubs at? 25

We don’t have clubs 23

ML

The Dawgs may actually get a win this week. Kentucky is excited about basketball, but not super-excited. It’s not like they have the preseason #1 on campus.

Gator Football Envy 31

Gator Hoops Envy 10

EGM

Last week, KY managed to surrender 31 points and 384 points to Sly Croom’s vaunted West Coast attack. They did score 34 points themselves and smack a cool, cover hammer down but they still have major issues on defense. UGA surprised me last week a little. Richt is smart to stick with Matthew “Gotta Pseudo-Sensible Haircut” Stafford because he’s got a hose and will shine when UGA’s receivers start to catch. KY just doesn’t have the horses to stay in this game…

Back on track for the Music City Bowl 31

Too worried about the Breeders Cup 14

Northwestern State at Ole Miss (NL), 2

CB

Ole Miss seems to be putting it together as of late, (and by late I mean last week)…and with the arrival of NWS, this will be a perfect weekend for them to hone their skills before getting trounced by LSU …

Shittier than Northwestern? 10

Calm before the storm 40

ML

No line…no commentary

Is this a school for kids not smart enough to get into Northwestern? 6

Hah-vuhd of the South 34

EGM

What do you do when the Demons come to town? Hmmm, let me guess…put on a tie and look like an unkempt redneck in a tie. Bingo

Exorcised 10

Classy like Waffle House 42

Arkansas State at Auburn (-30.5), 2:30

CB

Well at least Auburn will be able to beat one team from Arkansas this year. You know, its interesting…all of these folks are just assuming that UF is going to be playing Auburn in the SEC championship game … but no one seems to mention how they don’t even control their own destiny. Shit…30 and a half … I’ll take that line … I guess…

Sawr State 7

Plainsmen 42

ML

I remember when Ray Perkins coached Ark. St after the Buccaneers canned them. That is as close as Ark St will ever be to winning at Jerrrdan-Hare Stadium. Although when Ray was there they might have played all their games at Legion Field…next to Vulcan

Gasp! Offensive Mascot 6

Multiple mascots 41

EGM

Yes folks, this game has a line. The Indians are a powerhouse Sun Belt team coming off a devastating loss to Florida Atlantic in the pit known as Boca Raton. The Plainsmen looked lethargic against supercrappy Ole Miss last week and their running game is starting to take a back seat to Brandon “Don’t Ever Put the Game on My Shoulders” Cox. Luckily, everything will be back to normal in Plainsmen country this week: 1) great night of sober sleep; 2) shined up tall wallet; 3) tight, orange slacks perfectly ironed; 4) shitty haircut perfectly uncombed; and 4) petition for countywide prohibition of alcohol signed by every local resident. Sounds like an easy cover to me…

Got any fire water? 3

You mean Tabasco spiked water? 45

LSU at Tennessee (+2), 3:30

CB

I suppose this is the game of the week … I mean the game that is actually a contest betwixt two teams that people can agree are not shitty… UT loses and they are pretty much out of the SEC race for all intents and purposes, LSU is already done and probably looking forward to playing spoiler. Last year was one of the freakiest games I have ever seen in my life. LSU jumped out to a 21 point lead very early with Eriq Ainge throwing a pick while he was backed inside his own endzone as well as other miscues on the UT side…the Vols came storming back and forced overtime in which Tennessee was victorious. I guess this could mean that the Tigers are jacked about getting some revenge right? I don’t know why I’m asking you … I don’t see you writing your personal thoughts down on a blog for the world to see …. Sorry about that … I just read an article about how Vandy is better than they used to be … maybe I should go back and change my mind about the score … naw … oh yea … this game … should be great ... UT needs a win desperately … that’s usually when the ground falls out from beneath you.

Tigres 24

Vuls 23

ML

I just saw John Goodman on a preview for that show nobody watches…Studio 60. Good lord he’s a fat shit. He makes Phil look like Iggy Pop. Apparently Eric Ainge is hurting and might not play with a gimpy ankle. I really want to pick LSU, but if they win that would make things easy on UF. I really feel like we are going to have to clinch our first SEC East Title post-Spurrier against Spurrier.

Oeauxtback Beauxl 17

CiTrUs Bowl 23

EGM

Game of the week. LSU needs a win to remain the best two-loss team in the country. They have blown out every team other than the Plainsmen and Gators. They have a stud defense but they insist on putting all of the offensive weight on the broad, idiotic shoulders of JarJar. The Vols will have no problem stopping the lethargic running game of the Cajun dirt mongers and UT’s secondary is becoming their strength so this game should be very low scoring. Eric Ainge is supposedly “hurt” and that could be the only reason that LSU is favored. This game is a total coin flip but after Ainge’s struggles against the Bama and Gator defense, I’ll take the best defense in the SEC laying the points.

No way to fit “eaux” in DEFENSE 17

Smoky would like an extra side of feces, please 13

Arkansas at South Carolina (+2), 7:45

CB

Looks like the SEC is really cracking down on artificial noise during games these days …. The two biggest offenders of using the PA system to pump up the crowd during opponents drives, Auburn and South Carolina, have received verbal warnings from the league … apparently the Gamecock “crow” is going to be limited to: when they score, halftime, pre/post game, and timeouts … basically the SEC is telling those two piece of shit schools that we do not want this to turn into the NBA … and that is fine with me … anyways, Arkansas is looking to hold onto its 2 game lead over Auburn and LSU starting this weekend with four SEC games in a row … one of them is against Miss. State, so its really only 3 games…depending on which Razorback team shows up, this could get ugly real quick for USC. Seeing as how they have struggled against pseudo-decent teams this year, I say that the coach formerly known as the Gators coach will have his hands full … not to the tune of like a blow out, but, I think the ‘Backs are gonna run all over the Cocks.

Ark 27

Cok 20

ML

To make UF’s season even more storybook, we’re gonna get to play Auburn for revenge. For that to happen, the Hawgs have to lose sometime. Why not at Williams Brice?

Cumstain chokes on…. 14

Big Bad Cocks 20

EGM

Huge game for both teams. USC just didn’t have the talent to the stay with UT last week. Arkansas has a lot of talent, but not seasoned talent. Spur-dog will show the team that wants out of the SEC the proverbial “door”. Syvelle Newton will tear up the blitz-at-all-costs Hawg defense and the Cocks will tear up the run-at-all costs Arkansas offense. I like the Cocks fairly big in this game and they are getting TWO POINTS. Hammer of Thor bitch!

Nutts 13

Cocks 27

Virginia at Florida State (-11), 3:30

CB

I hate to say this, but things don’t look too good for UVA right now … sure they have a winning conference record but in these next three weeks they will have to play the Criminoles, the Criminals (UM), and the Thugs (Va Tech) … wow, I wasn’t even thinking of their safety when I started this run-on sentence…Anyways, three teams that once were good and now are just AIGHT … and the Cav’s are still 11 point underdogs … I know FSU sucks these days, but I also think that UVA is terrible and won’t be able to take advantage of the Noles miscues … sorry guys … at least I don’t like the spread…

Cavaliers 18

Noles 27

ML

The Noles…ha ha…need…ha ha….this….ha ha….win…haha….to try to become….ha ha ha…..bowl eligible. Good thing Al Groh blows.

Gay Pirates 13

Loser Injuns 28

EGM

Let the XLEE show begin. Bowden reached into his “maybe this guy will be Charlie Ward” bag of tricks last week and came out with a three point loss to a shitty Maryland team. Bravo Senor Bowden. What happened to the Nole$ running game and defense? Well, it doesn’t really matter against the “Wahoos” who are absolutely terrible. XLEE should have a huge game and FSU should creep one game above .500.

I hate guys who wear “Wahoo” hats 10

XLEE & “Tone” $mith 27

Virginia Tech at Miami (+2.5), 8

CB

This reminds me of a high school party … two groups of people who hate each other … or maybe they don’t hate each other, but they are so fucked up in the head that they will snap at any moment, just ready to rumble … cocaine everywhere, chicks so fucked up they can barely stand … selling booze in the stands … hmmm actually that doesn’t sound like high school to me … that sounds like fun … haha anyways, Tech is favored and the way they handled Clemson last weekend, I really like that spread …

Tech 35

Miami 28

ML

Good lord…Miami getting points at home against the Hokies. Miami has given up a shat-load of sacks this year, and the Gobblers have sacked the QBs a lot. I’ve grown tired of the coke/thug/hispaniola/shithole town jokes. So I’m going to just reiterate that one A. Michael Froomkin from UM Law sucks donkey balls.

HokieHokieHokieHokie 24

Sebastian is Sick 13

EGM

The Cokeheads should be getting at least a touchdown in this game. VaTech has magically turned around their season much like they did two years ago. That year, they beat a much better Cokehead team for the ACC Title in the Powder Blue Bowl. I almost wish I could be at this game to see the idiotic Cokehead fans have their puny egos crushed by Branden Ore and krew. The Cokeheads have no chance in hell to win this game and Coker will still be the coach next year. Sad but true. So Cokehead fan, slam that extra xanny bar, sniff that extra line, put on that extra tight black shirt and go find you a scorching case of gonorrhea.

Definition of how to rebound 27

Definition of asshole 10

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