Thursday, November 16, 2006

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XII

El Gran Mono

First things first, I must apologize to our Georgia Tech readers (most notably my studhorse cousin in the land of the heathens aka Knoxvile) for my insinuation that Wake and Maryland would be meeting for the ACC Championship. I should have said one of them would be playing in the Championship game against the mighty, unbelievable Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech. OK, that’s enough ACC horseshit. This weekend should be packed full of fun with Mr. Speed’s bachelor party and the Bourbon Boys assembled together with friends. And uh, oh yeah, I think there is some Big Ten game this week. Take Michigan +7 if you choose. On to the conference picks that matter…

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well here we are, week two of the Cuz knowing he’s finna get fired … things are looking up though … I have stopped caring as much and I’m trying to figure out if that is directly correlated to my increase in drinking…haha just kidding of course…I’ve always drank this much…anyways, last weekend was phenomenal! I flew down to the game and it was thrilling. The Gators pulled another win out of their asses and kept their national championship hopes alive. Speaking of which, I have already booked my flight to Phoenix for our trip to the Fiesta Bowl … this week is slightly below average for games …. I hope the Iron Bowl doesn’t suck …

Malt Licker

Well…after the orgasmic cheer following Jarvis “toke Daddy” Moss’ 2nd block, you could hear a collective sigh of relief from the Gator Nation. It’s like when the son first beats the Dad in one on one. However, I don’t ever want to play Spurrier again. He needs to retire. That was one of the most emotional sporting events I’ve ever attended. Apparently OSU & Meeeeeshigan shouldn’t even play because even if they lose the all-knowing media feels there should be a rematch. So ESPN, just what are you “Counting Down” for?

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Western Carolina at Florida (NL), 12

EGM

Spur-Dog almost killed another SEC Championship appearance and the Gators are starting to look average on defense. Good thing they can play all of their backups this week and still shut out the lowly Catamounts.

Kitties 7

Home of Smokin’ D-Lineman 41

CB

Absolutely incredible how this team finds a way to win (most) every week … that is something special and I’m not just saying that cause I am extremely biased … 3 blocked kicks including one that allowed the Gators to take the lead late and one that would have killed the electricity in the Swamp that night with a Gamecock win…This week is going to be garbage, and the proof is that I’m going to do something I have only done twice in like 15 years: miss the game in all capacities…I can actually name the ones I missed but its not that important … like the game … Big win for UF … I’m happy about that .. chalk it up

WCU 10

UF 50

ML

I think we definitely need this breather. We can suspend all our dope smoking D Lineman and still win. We can get our LBs healthy. We can relax. Especially since, according to Bob Ryan, we “might as well have lost” to SC. The day I listen to a New Englander’s takes on college football is the day I listen to a Parisian hooker talk about class.

Cata-mounted 6

We can cover No Line 42

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (+8), 12:30

EGM

Last year Fulmer was embarrassed by Vandy and their pumpkin pie haircutted freak QB. Once again, the Vols find themselves sliding at this time of year with consecutive losses to Arkansas and LSU. Ainge may have made a difference but according to some no-nothing douchebag I met in Gainesville last weekend: “Crompton izzz awwwsooommee, fivvvveee staahhh recrooooot.” Hopefully, he checked the score the next morning after he detached his face from the rest stop floor. The Vols have much more talent than Vandy but they had huge problems stopping the McFadden at QB offense. I’m really wondering if Nickson is going to give them problems after pulling an all-nighter at the library.

Death to the land pirates!!! 34

No-doze daze 24

CB

Let the battle for the State of Tennessee begin! I could care less about this fucking game … the East has been decided, first of all and second of all one of the teams in this game is Vandy. Now you know me, normally I give the utmost respect to Vandy … I love them like a child, but I am afraid my patience is running … they are turning into that spoiled teenager who thinks that just cause I won’t “buy them a new car,” I am the “worst parent ever” … well I show you … No TV tonight Mister! Wait, what the fuck am I talking about … oh right Vandy … I hate them … always have … but do they deserve to be 8 point home dogs? Probably not.

UT 23

Vandy 17

ML

The battle for Volunteer State pride…the Vols got trounced by the charter school of McRib-land last week. While Vandy had to ensure they’d be last in the East. Ainge is supposed to be going, so I’m taking the creamsicles.

Vawwwwls 31

Vanderdork 17

Middle Tennessee at South Carolina (-15.5), 12:30

EGM

The Cocks need this win to become bowl eligible. The question is how much do they win by? Middle Tennessee has been blown out by two-thirds of the decent teams they have played and could be looking to put the icing on their undefeated Sun Belt season. Spur-Dog has been known to overlook an opponent but after last week’s letdown and the rebirth of Phil Petty Blake Mitchell they should roll up the Blue Raiders quite easily.

Middle Tennessee STATE! 14

All Cocked up about a bowl game 31

CB

Man, it must suck to be a Gamecock fan this week … to lose like that in the Swamp has be heartbreaking … hahahaahahhahahahahahah GOOD … this is for all you asshole USC fans who were yelling at me throughout the game (Cuzzin Bailey sticks up both Middle fingers!)…not sure why a stage direction deserved an exclamation point … oh well … Can they rebound from such a gut-wrenching loss? One would think they would falter a bit, but maybe Spur-dog had some positive words to tell his team … haha unlikely …

MTSU 15

USC 29

ML

The best way to get over a cock-block is to beat the blue balls of the raiders and become bowl eligible.

Pride of Murfreesboro 16

Succup can’t get it up 24

Louisiana-Monroe at Kentucky (-19.5), 1

EGM

It’s really hard to believe that Kentucky is already bowl eligible. It’s also hard to believe that they are laying 19+ points against anyone. La-Directional is absolutely terrible and was rolled earlier this season by a pathetic bunch of shitbags otherwise known as the Alabama Crimson Tide. That alone leads me to believe Andre Woodson will have his way with La-Monroe and keep tossing touchdowns like a Dusty Bonner clone.

Masters of falconry 21

Masters of rebuilding 41

CB

Kentucky beat Vandy last week in what could only be compared to a fight between two broads … except not as hot … in fact that was a bad analogy … this week looks to be a chance for UK to get some rest. I have to think that they are playing well enough to cover such a huge spread … and hell, ULM isn’t impressing anyone these days … or any days for that matter

MON-roe 10

KEN-tuck 30

ML

Did you know Kentucky is 2nd in the East? Holy shit! Has this ever happened? Probably not even in September. Who would have thought the football team could finish higher than the basketball team this year. That’s right Tubby…your boys will be 3rd!!!

No MoLa Mo 13

Krazy Kats 31

Arkansas at Mississippi State (+14.5), 2:30

EGM

This is a trap game. TRAP, TRAP, TRAP. Just keep saying it. The Hawgs have been all over the headlines and McFadden is deservedly a Heisman candidate. However, Miss State has played the last three SEC teams tough and I fully expect them to come out fired up looking to upset Arkansas. I don’t think that will happen but 14.5 is just too many points to be giving at Starkville.

Good but not great 28

Gearing up for the Egg Bowl 14

CB

Now I normally don’t do this, but I am going to make a guarantee this week … this is it .. Arkansas is going to clinch the west Saturday by being the snot out of Mississippi State … 14.5 seems like a lot but uh, have you fucking seen Arkansas? … They are really good … I think they win …big

Razorback 35

Dirty Dawgs 10

ML

Do these two schools even have indoor plumbing? Arkansas doesn’t need indoor plumbing. They have Mr. McFadden. I’m not even sure whether its Dick or Cumstain playing QB. Their QB could have a clitoris and they’d still beat MSU.

Clit Commander 34

Run Over 10

Auburn at Alabama (+3), 3:30

EGM

Iron Bowl. I will summarize the hatred between the two schools by providing three quotes from a young, redneck I met at Moes in Plainstemperance, AL.

Describing Bars in Tuscaloosa: “If you don’t have a gun or a knife, then they will give you one at the door.”

Describing Laziness of Bama fans: “They are so lazy they will marry a pregnant girl.”

Describing his parents love of Bama: “I’m just fucking lucky I’m not named ‘Paul’ or ‘Bear’ or some shit like that.”

Great stuff. Bama is pitiful, but so are the Plainsmen lately. There are rumors of TT leaving for Miami and Mikey getting shitcanned. This is a tossup but I’m betting on the home team somehow pulling it out against Brandon “Don’t EVER Count On Me” Cox.

TT’s last game? 14

One more season of Shulaball 17

CB

Well it’s the Iron Bowl…yippie … I really don’t have much to say since both of these teams are out of contention for the SEC championship but I do have some breaking news!! This just in … apparently Auburn’s head coach Tommy Tuberville is going to be the new top dog at Miami at the end of the season … not only that, but wind of this has gotten to the players and apparently they have given up on the year … Now I’m not saying that Bama has what it takes to take advantage, but you have to like their chances now … don’t you?

Burned 23

Bammer 21

ML

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn Bowl!!!!!! Auburn looking to go 6-0 at Bryant-Denny and win their fifth in a row over their hated rivals. One of my uncles played for the Tide, and they’d visit every thanksgiving and the Arrrrn Bowl would always be on. We had a parakeet and my dad dubbed him the War Eagle, and he’d fly around and swoop on his head. It was fun.

WarKeets 23

FireMikeShula.com 17

Ole Miss at Louisiana State (-27.5), 8

EGM

Ole Miss is 100% terrible. LSU annihilates terrible teams. Take this line to the bank.

Missin’ Colonel Reb 0

A Perrilloux sighting 42

CB

I sincerely doubt that LSU is going to drop a 25+ bomb on the Rebels-ish. To quote a fellow Bourbon Boy, “ask Auburn how ‘shitty’ Ole Miss is.” And they played Auburn before the word go out that Tommy T is jumping ship…Now I have no delusions that LSU will falter here, but I think the Rebs will keep this closer than a blowout.

Ole’ 17

LSU 30

ML

I just saw the Gators make 18 consecutive FGs. No…not in football, in basketball. We’re good. Meanwhile, LSU dusted the Tide and look to take on the shittiest QB in the league, Baby Vick. Jar Jar could eat up Schaeeffer with his morning oatmeal.

Tasty Brent 9

Man-eating tigers 31

Georgia – OFF

EGM

Prepping for annual showdown against the smart kids from Georgia and possibly buying some tight black pants for the significant other.

CB

What the fuck happened last week? Who were those chaps wearing Red and Black? I’m glad we didn’t play THAT team.

ML

Gee UGA, thanks for finally showing up this year. Now beat Ga Tech….

Miami at Virginia (+3), 12

EGM

Miami is not a very good team but they are a talented team. Every game that Kyle “At Least Phil Steele Loves Me” Wright doesn’t start is a chance to actually win and possibly win big. The Canes had heavy hearts last week against the turtles and I’m sure some of that will carry over into the rest of the season if not next. However, the Canes have too much talent to be getting points against a terrible WAHOO! team.

Miami 21

Flaming Pirates 17

CB

Its pretty clear that Miami has given up on this season … I feel bad for what they have gone through even though I don’t make that clear too often. I have a friend who went to UVA … so that should mean something right? I guess there’s a “chance” that the Cavs could pull this out ... but unlikely

UM 14

UVA 10

ML

Canes…still trying to become bowl eligible, good thing they brought that thug back from suspension. Now they might be able to win. I know the Wahoos suck, but I see Coker going down like a blaze of glory.

No Bowl…ese 14

Wahoooooooooooooo 17

Western Michigan at Florida State (-16), 2

EGM

Blown out by 30 points AT HOME!

+ Buyout of Mr. Scapegoat for lump sum + years of $100k salary

+ Needing a win to be bowl eligible

+ QB controversy

+ Zero running game

+ Above average mid-major opponent

= Easy cover

Buckin’ Fuckin’ Bronco 10

BOWL ELIGIBLE! 31

CB

Both FSU and UF are playing weaklings to gear up for next weeks intra-state rivalry. However, I am pretty sure that WMU isn’t that God awful so that might spell trouble for the Noles who got totally bitch-slapped by Wake last week. They were shut out at home for God’s sake…that was so embarrassing … they may want to look at this as a way to redeem themselves…but that is too late … the Seminoles fucking blow

Broncos 17

FSU 27

ML

Do you think if Jeff Bowden applied for the vacancy at F$U for offensive coordinator Bobby would remember that he was the one just fired?

WMU 6

F$U 31

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