Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IX

El Gran Mono

If you are looking for someone to rip off numerous 50+% weeks in a row, I’m your guy. Last weekend was probably the best weekend of college football so far. The Plainsmen-LSU game was unbelievable. If you are one of those people that thinks Les Miles is “crazy” then you need to watch the end of the game all over again. There was no chance that clock was going to run out so why not take a shot at the endzone. Imagine the media blowing something out of proportion, that never happens! As for this week’s games, there are two feature matchups in the SEC and a PAC-10 showdown as game of the week. Let’s get it on…

Malt Licker

An ill and tired Malt Licker is slowly falling further behind El Gran Mono. Can he rally from his death bed and reverse the losing trend? There are some decent games in the SEC this week, but nothing like last week. The headliner again involves our beloved Gators, this time at the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail party. My boss is a Dawg, and he has adorned the walls of the office with various Dawg shit. Some of the more prominent displays are scorecards from UGA’s victories over UF from the past 20 years. Yea….all two of them. It was really impressive, until I thought that a) you could have framed posters of UF’s national titles in the last two years, and have more; and b) if you put all the winning scorecards of UF v. UGA over the same time span, you’d run out of wall space. But hey, at least UGA fans NEEEEEVEEEER wear jean shorts.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

I probably should have started this before I started drinking, that would have made more sense I believe. Anyways, this weekend we have the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, or as UF Prez Bernie Machen would prefer, the World’s Largest Outdoor Fucking Lame-Ass get together with little d-bag hors d’oeuvres and everyone being nice and shit. Fuck, BC just scored, man I hate hearing some of these loser schools getting their knobs slobbed by pussy-ass commentators like Chris Fowler. He is such a loser. Did I ever tell yall how I saw him in Hot-lanta last year after the Gators lost at Auburn? He was returning his rental to Enterprise, and I had my Gator shirt on, dejected, and he looked right at me, after being there for God’s sake and didn’t even acknowledge the shirt, what a dick. Man, maybe I should lay off the Jack for a few paragraphs…

Saturday October 27, 2007

Mississippi State @ Kentucky (-13.5), 12:30

EGM

Miss State let down the SEC last week in Morgantown. They were absolutely shellacked in the first half by the Mountaineers and did not recover in the 2^nd. I have not heard anyone talking about Sly Croom getting fired but even talking about something like that is probably a federal hate crime so forget I ever said anything about it. Miss State is better than last year but they still have a terrible offense and every time that I have seen them play they abandon the run (the strength of their “offense”). After watching Andre Woodson perform two weeks in a row against top quality competition, I have decided he’s the best pure passer in the nation. There is no chance of Miss State taking advantage of KY’s porous defense and keeping this game under 13.5. Did anyone check out that under bite on Dicky Lyons?

Bad offense 17

Good offense 41

ML

The Cats gave UF a major scare in Lexington, and proved they can avoid a let-down after a big game. Last week, Sly’s crew dug themselves a huge hole in the first quarter, and never dug themselves out. Kentucky was able to contain UF’s run game, which is good for them because MSU can’t throw. I look for some more Dickie Lyons explosions in the face of the Starkvegas Scumbags

Cotton pickin’ dawgs 14

Dickie Cats 31

CB

Kentucky’s gonna be out for blood this weekend. They were humiliated in their own house last weekend by the Gators. It was great. Every time UK scored, UF went marching or bombing down the field making the Cats play catch up the entire day, it was great. Oh yea, MSU played like total assclowns last weekend, making me look, even more so, like a jerk. I think Kensucky is gonna roll this weekend, its pretty clear that the Dogs suck.

MSU 13

UK 35

Miami, Ohio @ Vanderbilt (-13.5), 2

EGM

The Redhawks have lost to some mediocre competition on the road by big numbers. Nothing changes in Nashville.

MACdaddies 10

SECstuds 28

ML

Ugh…what a dog of a matchup. Miami will lose because they changed their name from the Redskins to the RedHawks. I’m a firm believer in sticking to your guns, which is why I applaud Vandy for embracing their robber baron heritage.

Ooooga boooga peace pipe 10

Build that railroad injun’ 30

CB

After a total stud move, going into Columbia and coming out victorious, I think the ‘Dores have new found life. Now whether or not they can “blow out” (by Vandy standards) a shitty MAC team, that’s up for debate. But not be me. I really don’t even care about the game. How bizarre, they lost at home in a really demoralizing way to UGA two weeks ago, but then shrugged it off and went and beat the Cocks on the road. I suppose losing that much in your history makes you numb. I guess it’s plausible they don’t cover this weekend, since they clearly don’t care. I’m confused.

Not-Meee-ami 10

Vandee 25

Florida International @ Arkansas (-39), 2

EGM

The Panthers are just bad. No part of their team is even average. They have been beaten by 39 points three times this year. Make it four.

And we live in Miami 10

The McFadden Show 56

ML

Man…I’ve driven by FIU. It looks like an outdoor mall that was built from Construx. I’ve never been to Arkansas’ campus, but it has to be better. I think Nutt will try to run up McFadden’s stats for a Heisman push.

F – eye – you 2

Arky 44

CB

Damn, the, uh, Internationales are getting a lot of points this weekend. I suppose that means they suck. Arkansas has really played me for a fool these past two weeks by not showing up for the Auburn game offensively, and just ripping Ole Miss a new one in Oxford. Man, 40 points is a lot but they almost did that to the Rebs last weekend. Shit, I’m gonna do it. Give the points, that is all.

FIU 3

ARK 45

Florida vs. Georgia (+8.5) at Jacksonville, 3:30

EGM

UGA has struggled offensively in both of their losses and their defense has been very inconsistent. That said, this game should make Gator fans very nervous because the Dawgs can get hot with the playaction passing game and Major Wright will not likely play. And his backup is…drumroll…Kyle Jackson. Not good if you like tackling and good coverage. Lucky for the mighty Gators, they have Tim Tebow who is the best player in the country. If you disagree then you should watch last week’s game against KY. The guy is not only a good runner but an excellent passer. There is no way that UGA’s defense can stop the Gators offense so the real question is whether the Gators defense can step up. They are very young and inconsistent just like the Dawgs. Good thing they aren’t playing against Tim Tebow but rather mentalist-shitbag (Facebook Picture) Matthew Stafford.

#3 Prospect (TT) 37

#2 Prospect (MS) 24

ML

Speaking of staying true to your heritage, can we go back in time and kill each Machen and Adams, who are both responsible for stripping the Cocktail party language from this rivalry’s moniker? I’d love to chug a bottle of bourbon and break it over each of these clown’s heads, then vomit on their wives, and piss in their kid’s corn flakes. This game makes me nervous, Kyle Jackson is starting and is guaranteed to miss 3 tackles on Knowshon Moreno, but super Timmy is returning to his home town, and will dominate.

Silver Bitches 20

Nerves still equal W 27

CB

Well thanks to some heroics by the typical anti-heroes, aka the Crimzin Tide, the Gators are back in control of the SEC EAST. Sure that may sound arrogant but what do you expect when we are facing a UGA team that we have beaten, well I don’t have the numbers in front of me but I’m sure its huge, as well as a Vandie team that blows, and a USC team that just got beat by said blowish team. For the Dawgs, Knowshon Moreno, the 20 year old freshman (interesting), is finna make another start this weekend due to standard UGA injuries. I swear is there ever a year where they don’t have a major injury(ies) to a skill position? Anyways, Matt Stafford and the Bulldog bunch (sounds like the whitest gang in history by the way) are claiming they don’t care/know about the history of this rivalry. That’s wild man, (sorry, trying to appeal to the hippies from Athens), but they should, like, watch out bro, I mean those who aren’t AWARE of history, are like, doomed to like, you know, like, experience it again and stuff man. Wow, that was so deep bro. Fuck the Dawgs, they ain’t gonna be able to stop Tebow. Try and make a game plan for him, I dare you. Stop the run, he’ll pass, stop the pass, he’ll run. Shit I’ll bet if you stopped the passing and running, he would show you how to fly mother fucka!

UF 34

UGA 20

Ole Miss @ Auburn (-17), 6

EGM

Ole Miss was destroyed by Arkansas last week to the tune of 44-6 and QB Seth Adams was replaced for Brent “Baby Vick” Schaeffer after tossing four picks. Hmm, is he called Baby Vick because he likes puppy fights? The Plainsmen have been playing some tough football of late but they are heavily leaning on their defense. They are not going to blow anyone out with their average offense. Thus, the 17 points is unwarranted even if Schaeffer is back in the fold.

Shoulder length Southern Hair 10

Over the ears Southern Hair 24

ML

The clichéd and refined Southerners Classic, that should be the nickname for this game. Either that or the Hair/Morning After Pill Bowl. Ole Miss looked horrible against Arkansas. Auburn should have beat LSU. I honestly have no idea what to expect in this game. Auburn could be pissed off and play well and mop the field with the Rebs, or they could have a hangover and do their typical Auburn-shit and play down to the competition. When in doubt….take the points

Rebz 14

Tigz 24

CB

This may sound like blasphemy, but I actually feel for the Tigers. I mean I was at the Swamp when they were mocking the Gator chomp and hatin’ on everything I find sacred, but after they way that that shit head Les Miles won again, I had nothing but sympathy for the Plainsmen. That’s not to say I would go fishing with them, but I still felt a little bit bad. Anyways, the Rebs, made me look like such a punk. I totally saw them playing tough aginst Arkansawr in a way to rekindle their year, but I was wrong, in a big way. So let’s do a little logical reasoning here to try and figure out the outcome of this game. Auburn played Arkansas away two weeks ago and beat them 9-7. Ole Miss played the Razorbacks and lost to them 44-8 at home. So the Tigers must be able to cover a 17 point spread this weekend. The author must clearly be making the assumption that, even though both outcomes showed an impressive defensive presence by Arkansas, the fact that Auburn’s D played so much better versus a similar opponent played so closely in the schedule, Auburn will have many more chances to score and therefore be able to cover the spread. Huh, what, I just blacked out there for a moment.

MISS 13

Auburn 29

South Carolina @ Tennessee (-3), 7:45

EGM

This is another huge game. Whoever wins is still in the SEC East race.The Cocks looked pitiful on offense last week and were killed by turnovers. They have two shitty quarterbacks and a lackluster running game. However, the Vols have a terrible defense that could get the Cocks back on track. The Cock defense has been giving up some serious yards on the ground but have been excellent against the pass. The Vols do both fairly well but if they can take advantage of easy ground yards they should be victorious and possibly save Phat Phil’s job. The Vols just have too much offense for Team Under Armor.

Click Clack – Welcome to Shreveport! 21

Too much Ainge 28

ML

Talk about another game where I don’t know what the hell to expect. Spurrier lost to frickin’ Vandy at home, and Philbert was squadooched in Tuscaloosa, all but cementing his demise from Pumpkin-land. If he loses at home to Spur-Dog this week, the Great Pumpkin may not make it to Halloween. Spurrier has been doing some Holth-like poor-mouthing of his Cocks. I know there is some sort of pornographic metaphor here, but it’s just not cumming to me…

Impotent 17

Staving off termination 21

CB

While I always consider the Gator game to be the SEC game of the week, I must say that this is gonna be a close second. BOTH of these teams still have a shot at the SEC East (crown?). UT would need an eventual loss by the Gators at some point, and to be honest so will the Cocks (specifically when they play in mid-November). But for now, its win or swim, (sorry I just made that up). Regardless, UT got embarrassed by their long time rival last weekend in Tuscaloosa and since I just used the word embarrassed, let me think of another way to describe USC’s loss at home to Vandy. Hmm, I would say that the Gamecock loss, to Vandy was actually more than embarrassing, it was humiliating. They were denied one of the Head (don’t call me Ol’) Ball Coach’s favorite things, a touchdown. I guess giving up 17 straight points to the Commodores is an insurmountable situation…just ask Georgia, oh wait, don’t, they actually beat Wandie (testing out my Latin to impress the Vanderbilt admissions team haha). Anyways, let’s get this over with, Tennessee’s defense is a lot better than advertised and after last week they’ll be playing for respect (most of which they don’t deserve). Give the 3, I feel weird that its this low.

USC 17

UT 21

LSU – OFF

EGM

Les Miles will be doing chores at the devil’s house.

ML

Ohhhh less miles you have such big ballllllllllllllllls the size of your balls is surpassed only by the stupidity of Mike Patrick and Verne Lundquist

CB

Fuck Les Miles

Alabama - OFF

EGM

I guess Nick Saban was smart enough to realize the Vols have no pass defense. Now that’s coaching!

ML

So I guess now Satan is the second coming of Bear. Wow…you blew out UT at home. Something 2 other schools have already done.

CB

Thanks for beating the Vols last weekend, now go back to your Satanic chambers for recharging.

Non-SEC GOTW

Southern California @ Oregon (-2.5), 3

EGM

As good as USC’s defense may be, Oregon has the offense to score on it. They have two complete studs in Jonathan Stewart and Dennis Dixon. USC seems lethargic at times on offense and relies on a lot of power running plays inside. I thought they were just doing that against Nebraska but it seems they are trying to pull that shit against everyone. Oregon doesn’t have a great defense but they will be motivated at home and will get just enough stops to pull it out. All my spare moments will be watching this game because it should be fun.

Trojans 24

Ducks 28

ML

This is a very big game, and one I would like to see. Unfortunately it goes head-to-head with the Cocktail party and ABC will probably decide to show Maryland v. UVA or some shit. The Trojans have studs all across the board, and the fastest LBs on the planet, which should help them contain Dennis Dixon & Co. USC must shut down the spread option to keep the crowd out of the game and help out their young QB.

OJ-U 24

Prefontaine U 25

CB

Glad we picked this game cause it’s a big one, but sad cause I realized I know dick about either one of them. Pete “the Cheat” Carroll says that John David Booty will be ready to go, but is that really a good thing? I think that Oregon is gonna be backed in a corner trying to stop the Trojan’s offense that was rolling against, the albeit down, ND defense last weekend. USC doesn’t suck on D and the Ducks have a pretty decent offense, so if I actually gave two shits about Pac-10 ball, I would be DVR’ing this game and turning down the sound and commentating it myself, but alas, I don’t care who wins, just as long as PC gets caught on camera doing blow off a USC cheerleaders chest. That would make this game worth watching. Oh yea, Charlie from Scent of a Woman is from Oregon, Who-ah!

USC 26

Oregon 25