El Gran Mono
Last week a ton of undefeated teams went down to underdogs. That’s life in the SEC where teams rarely go undefeated these days. The games this week are still interesting if you love college football despite what the media tells you. LSU is not unbeatable as shown by Tulane last week and USC looked pretty bad against a Washington team that is very average. I doubt anyone will be going undefeated except Hawaii. On to the picks, where the Malt Licker’s lead is down to one game…
Malt Licker
Wow….quite a crash. Major return to earth for both the Gator and Malt Licker nation. Don’t despair loyal scribes. For if last year showed us anything, it is that these Gators and yours truly are tenacious. By the time you read this, this Bourbon Boy will be on Rue Bourbon, several drinks deep and chomping at the bit for a big Gator W and a return to the top of the SEC.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Well, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was on Saturday night. I guess we aren’t the Gods I thought we were, able to move the ball at any time especially important times, etc. Also, its interesting to note that Auburn was Spurrier’s first SEC home loss as well. Take that for what you will. Anyways, this weekend I will not be joining my compatriots in Baton Rouge and New Orleans for some drunken gambling (always a lucrative combo), and some Cajun ass kicking. We have a tough road ahead of us this year and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let one loss (to a school that specializes in producing total assclowns) bring me down…
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Kentucky @ South Carolina (-3), 7:30
EGM
The worst part about this game will be listening to Flutie and James as color commentators. Those guys are trainwrecks. In the game, Spur-Dog matches up against a high-flying KY offense that can put up points and a defense that has problems stopping any team with a pulse. After watching South Carolina dismantle a fairly decent Miss State team I think they are back on track. Woodson and krew will put up at least 24 but Smelley has the Cocks offense humming. Arkansas couldn’t beat KY because they are one dimensional, Spur-Dog doesn’t have that problem.
Rich Brooks back to reality 24
Ball (run & pass) plays drawn in the dirt 31
ML
Click Clack, Click Clack, what the fuck is Kentucky doing in the top 10? This has to stop. With each UK win I await the Rapture. Is this the first time these two teams have met with SEC East supremacy on the line? Smelley is the new leader of the “Cock-n-Fire” attack. Man...that sounds like a scorching case of something that can be picked up on Bourbon Street. Good thing Cuzzin’ Bailey has “friends” who schedule weddings on SEC weekends.
Click-Cats 21
Click-Clap 26
CB
I read somewhere that Stevie is 14-0 against Kentucky and by golly, that’s gonna change tonight! Kentucky’s offense is really freaking good, and while USC’s defense played well last week, I am looking for a shootout and anytime you put a rook QB against a stud like Woodson you have to go with experience. And believe it or not, this win for Kentucky will affirm their place at the top of the SEC East, well at least for one more week.
Kantuckee 35
Sorth Carolina 32
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Vanderbilt @ Auburn (-7), 12:30
EGM
Who was that Plainsmen team last week? It certainly wasn’t the team that lost to USF and Miss State. Tubs totally outcoached the Urbanator and he still has a chance in the West if they continue to play defense like last week. I have hard time believing Vandy can win in Jordan Hare if the Plainsmen continue to play well. If Chris Nickson and Bennett get hot then they could possibly cover but I just don’t see that happening. Vandy’s defense just doesn’t have what it takes to keep this close in the 4th Quarter.
Pocket Protectors 14
Tall wallets 28
ML
Man…Fuck Auburn. They always seem to have our number. I hate them. I hate their long wallets. I hate all three mascots. I hate that they toilet papered a tree on University Avenue. I hate their coach and his Dumbo ears. I hate that they will follow up an upset of the Gators with a lackluster effort against Vandy.
VanderCover 14
I hate you 20
CB
Ahem, I don’t think Auburn is getting enough respect in this game. I mean assuming that Vandy plays the worst game of their lives and the Tigers pull some more heroics out of their ass, this will be a blowout. As it were, (and this will probably sound like sour grapes) I don’t believe that Auburn is that good. I believe the Gators played like shit and probably played down to a lesser team, its happened before (see: Mississippi State game: 1992, 2000, 2004). Regardless, this is about this game and I find Auburn to be on par with Ole Miss and Vandy handled the Rebels pretty solidly. But playing on an emotional high (which every team feels if they ever beat the Gators), might prove to be the edge here that the Tigers need to maintain.
Vandy 23
Awbarn 27
Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss (-13), 2:00
EGM
I was going to comment on another SEC-Sun Belt matchup but the Lady Techsters are in the WAC. I guess Louisiana was once thought of as “the West” in the days of Lewis and Clark but I think we are past that now. JOIN THE SUN BELT OR DIE!
WAC 13
SEC 31
ML
I don’t spend more than one sentence on games like this when a trip to New Orleans is imminent.
Sun never shines on Louisiana Tech 13
Olé Miss Ese 31
CB
Its funny, well its not that funny, but after we’ve played and beaten a team that isn’t a huge rival makes me hate them a little less during the year and actually happy when they win. Also, considering that LaTech isn’t in the SEC makes me feel loyal to the Rebels on a conference level. However, that doesn’t exactly pay the bills. Both of these teams aren’t that great. And it certainly seems like they are both ready to pack it in and who would blame them. That being the case, I would generally point to the home field advantage to give one team a boost, but then again, the Rebs didn’t even pack the house when the Gators came to town. I guess there was too much “being seen” going on in the Grove. That’ll probably be the case this weekend 10 fold. But regardless, I have to go with the team that I have actually seen this year, so in front of a solid 40,000 get ready for the BenJarvus Green-Ellis show. I’m predicting he runs all over the Bulldogs defense with 4 TDs, one for each of his names.
LA-Tech 12
Ole Mess 35
UAB @ Mississippi State (-19), 2:30
EGM
UAB has one win and it was against Steve McNair U. The only intriguing question about this game is which city is worse: Birmingham or Starkville?
Bars 10
No bars 31
ML
When will all these dog-shit matchups come to an end? UAB has one of the cooler nicknames, whereas MSU has a completely unoriginal one. This is the only advantage UAB enjoys.
Fire-breathers 10
Shit-eaters 31
CB
UAB always tends to play good teams well for a while; thankfully Miss State isn’t that good. I would venture to say that they are barely decent, which could make the game go either way. I think its gonna be closer then this ridicockulous spread suggests. Oh and when is the SEC gonna sack up and remove the cowbells from this shitbox of a stadium? Why don’t they try creating a fight song that isn’t played to the tune of “Dueling Banjos?” Oh yea, my hatred runs deep for this Mississippi school.
Is that like “Blue Blazers?” 17
Miss St 27
Houston @ Alabama (-11), 3
EGM
Bama looked awful against FSU last week. Something is wrong with John Park Wilson and Saban better figure out what it is before a cinder block gets tossed through his window. The Tide defense is still pretty stout despite giving up 21 points to Xavier Lee. The only thing I know about Houston is that their mascot got his ass kicked by a duck.
Shasta 7
Big Al 28
ML
Things would be so much easier if Ole Miss was playing Bama right now. Well…the Saban-atics were humbled by the Tallahassee Bumpkin. When will www.firenicksaban.com get a buyer? I know next to nothing about Houston. It looks like they may be working a two-headed QB scheme as they have two ranked in the top 40 of QB efficiency, and they are ranked in the top 20 in total yards. Well that’s enough for me, if F$U and Predator, Jr. can put 21 points on the board, the Cougs can do it too.
Grrrrr 24
Whatever sound an elephant makes 28
CB
I’m gonna continue my hatin’ on Conference USA. By the way, this spread is pretty freaking whacky. Why not 11.5? Bizarre, anyways, Bama has two straight losses coming into this game after getting humiliated by FSU last week (and making me look like a jerk). How could I have any faith in them now? Well maybe I’m just a sucker, but I feel they are going to use Houston as a whipping boy this week. And if it doesn’t happen this week, well they’ll have another chance next week in Oxford, meanwhile I like the insane asylum spread and Nick the dick to A) run up the score if they can; and B) make some asshole comments about Houston’s players ala what he said about USF this week. Oh yea, I would like to say congrats to Famous Amos, a former guest Bourbon Boy, for tying the knot this weekend.
Sub par players. Right Nick? 13
Bammer 35
Georgia @ Tennessee (-2.5), 3:30
EGM
I wonder how many Georgia fans will wear hobnailed boots to this game. My guess is 50. Apparently they are good for stepping on people’s faces. Tennessee is still smarting from an asskicking in the Swamp but Ainge should be healthier for this game and they will have the home crowd behind them. I still have no faith in UGA’s receivers after watching them continue to drop balls. The Vol defense will be looking for the typical Mark Richt run at all costs, conservative gameplan so its really a matter of how Stafford and the passing game perform. It’s hard to pick against the road team in this series but I’m bettin’ Mo Massaquoi will drop enough balls to make the 2.5 stick.
Dawgs 21
Vols 24
ML
Oh look! It’s the Prick v. Phatty. The Prick is 23-3 on the road against SEC teams. Good thing Jax isn’t considered a “road” game, or that winning percentage would take a precipitous dive. I really want UT to win this game. I hate Georgia, and I think if UT loses to them again Phat Phil might get canned. I would like for his Ass to remain in the SEC.
Jawja 24
Big head on Chopping block 20
CB
Big, huge, ginormous game in the SEC East here ladies and gents. The Vols, who have no wins in the SEC yet, (b/c they have only played one game so far) are looking to get out of the cellar in the division, while the Bulldogs are just one heartless loss away from the outright lead. Another loss for either team could spell Peach Bowl if they aren’t careful. UT failed the Florida litmus test early on but then rebounded against Arkansas …STATE by 3 TDs. Meanwhile, UGA has actually played a few decent teams, since losing at home to the Cocks, which is a good thing. No one is saying that the Vols SHOULD win this game and if it were on a neutral site, I like the Dawgs to be favored by 7. Sometimes folks just put too much into the crowd’s effect on a teams play. Bark Bark bitches.
UGA 19
UT 18
Tennessee-Chattanooga @ Arkansas (NL), 7
EGM
The wrath of the D-IAA game continues.
Mocs 3
McFadden 49
ML
Chattanooga is famous for its choo-choo and a civil war battle. Yet their nickname is “the Mocs.” I did some research, and it seems that even schools in Tennessee feel the need to succumb to ridiculous political correctness. The water moccasin was the mascot in the 1920s, then it became the moccasin shoe, and from the 1970s until 1976 the mascot was Chief Moccanooga. I guess this “exaggerated Cherokee tribesman” was too offensive. Now their mascot is a “Scrappy” the Mockingbird. Good lord.
Scooby would be cooler 4
Hogs 44
CB
Two heart wrenching losses to SEC opponents and then two cupcakes. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and call for an Arkansas blowout!
UTC 11
ARK 40
Florida @ Louisiana State (-8.5), 8:28
EGM
If there is something more overrated in sports than Tiger Stadium at night then I don’t know what it is. LSU beat #1 UF in ’97 when a drunken Douggy J threw some picks and the Tigers barely squeaked by a downtrodden Gator squad in ’05. So what’s the big deal? Is it all hype? Will the Cajuns bring their Tim Tebow voodoo dolls and hammer the Gators? Last week both teams looked lethargic in the first half, LSU was playing Tulane and was able to recover, UF was playing Auburn and could not. Matt Flynn still looks hurt to me and Ryan Periloo still can’t throw so I’m expecting a defensive matchup with a very low score. Tebow will rebound and shock the LSU crowd much like a freshman Chris Leak in 2003.
Is Tiger Stadium still the toughest now? 13
Better play calling this week 14
ML
Man…what to expect. I actually have a feeling we’re going to play well this week, despite my less than exemplary winning percentage in Gator road games. I’m really not all that impressed by Less Miles, Death Valley, or LSU’s offense. However, I am petrified of Glenn Dorsey, his ass, and the LSU defense. If we can play to a draw in the first quarter, it will be anyone’s game. I would love to see “diversity” on offense that would make Bernie Macheninajad proud. Maybe the anesthesia from Mullen’s appendectomy has finally worn off and he’ll call a fucking decent game.
Shit…If I think we’ll cover, I may as well predict a W 24
Bleaux Me 20
CB
Yea, this is the big time. It would be nice to say that the Gators were just looking ahead to this game last week, and that the loss to Auburn was a fluke, but I don’t like making excuses. Wait a second? That is exactly what I do. The game had to be a fluke! We played flatter than, flatter than…damnit oh yea, Kiera Knightly! And the second half of that game is something that will haunt me for a long time. I don’t understand how a team can have that much momentum after tying the ball game to just flake and go 3 and out with the game on the line. Then the punt sucks and the defense lies down and then that scumbag kicker humiliates us (twice). Ridiculous. Well now we are facing another Tiger team that everyone in the country no longer thinks is ONE of the best teams, as they are ready to proceed with the coronation ceremony right now. Well before we break out the crown jewels of the NCAA Bowl Division, what’s say we actually play a few games. As shitty as we looked last week in the first half, at least we were playing a semi-decent team. If we had struggled like that against Tulane, we still probably would have won hands down. You can probably guess where this is going. I am just not convinced that this Gator team is ready to go quietly into the Bator Rouge night, after all there are some crazy psycho Cajuns running around them backwoods. No, I believe that (no thanks to Tony Joiner) this team is gonna be focused and ready to play in ONE OF the tougher environments in any sport, but they way I look at it, we are Christians in an unholy land this weekend, and we have to fight like we’re ready to take back Jerusalem.
Tigers 23
Gators 25
Non-SEC Game of the Week
Oklahoma vs. Texas (+11), 3:30 @ Dallas
EGM
The Red River Shootout certainly lost its luster last week when both of these teams lost. It was to be expected in the case of Tejas who has been playing with fire. However, Oklahoma looked like a juggernaut and was beaten by a very average Buffs team. I’m betting Oklahoma’s offense gets back on track against a weak Tejas defense.
Sam Bradford 17
Colt McCoy 31
ML
I will always refer to this as its real name. The Red River Shootout has been going on since 1900. Texas has won about 55% of the games. Both these teams lost last week, taking some of the luster off of this game. Colt McCoy has misfired for 9 INTs on the year, and going into the game it looks like Sam Bradford is the better player. As a side note, can someone explain to me why the University of Oklahoma is known as OU?
Dyslexic Victors 30
I’ve got a long horn 21
CB
Thank God for the Okies that this is played in a neutral site cause if it were played in Austin, well the spread might be higher and they’d have more to cover, just kidding I have no idea. Both teams are coming off heartbreaking losses, even though only one of them was actually kind of expected to lose (well by me anyways). There’s still a lot on the line here though. Sure they both started out Big 12 play with an L and obviously one of these teams will be 0-2 after Saturday, but I can’t help but feel that Oklahoma State is gonna melt down and Dennis Francione at A&M appears to create as much fire under his team as a chafing dish. So, on Saturday, these teams will be undefeated in the Big 12 South and that’s all that matters. It’s a rivalry game, anything can happen. Of course that “anything” is Oklahoma is gonna win, prob. not cover.
Sooners 32
Longhorns 25
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