El Gran Mono
I will use my intro to make one statement. Tim Tebow is the best player in the country. If you have not seen him play, then you are missing out. Yes, I’m a homer, but I’m not a Cuzzin’ Bailey homer. The guy is not just an incredible runner but possibly the best passer in the country. Watch him, every throw is on the money. There are only two players that I could deal with beating him out for the Heisman: Dennis Dixon and Darren McFadden. They are incredible, much like Tebow. The Gators weren’t robbed when Eric Crouch beat Grossman, they were raped. If the award isn’t for sophomores and freshman then they should add that to the criteria. If anyone other than Dixon, Tebow or McFadden wins the award, then I vow to never talk about it again. On to the picks…
Malt Licker
Memo to Mike Patrick and Todd Blackledge, the reason UF kept handing the ball to Tebow is because everyone else we hand it to likes to fumble the ball. Kestahn, B-James, and Fayson have demonstrated that fumbling comes as natural to them as scoring Touchdowns does to Tebow. Therefore, the reason we keep giving the ball to Tebow is because we don’t want to lose. We were up 13 with 5 minutes left, which is not insurmountable, especially if you fumble the ball. Maybe you should stop talking about Todd’s “Taste of the Town” and instead focus on the real story, mainly, why UF doesn’t have another serviceable running back. I see Chevon Walker has transferred, and we have moved Manson back to RB. I’m still trying to figure out why CJ Spiller and/or Antone Smith decided to languish in ACC mediocrity instead of coming to God’s Country. In other games, the Gators are again counting on help to make it to Atlanta. This time it is from Kentucky and Vanderbilt. I’m really glad Auburn decided to suck and not come through for us (yet again). Have they ever beaten UGA when we truly needed it?
Cuzzin’ Bailey
It feels so great that we went into Williams-Bryce last Saturday night and humiliated the coach formerly known as the “Ol’ Ball Coach.” (he now prefers the “Head Ball Coach”). Anyways, thanks to Arkansas and Auburn playing like JV squads last week, all the Gators hopes of making it to Hot-lanta are riding on Kentucky for the most part. Its kind of disappointing to be honest. Oh yea, speaking of something other than this, Hershel Walker called out Spurrier to “get in the ring” after Steve’s comments about sending 3rd stringers into start a fight and get all of the UGA team ejected if they tried a bush league play on him. First of all, what fucking rock has HW been hiding under and, and secondly, who gives a shit that some has-been RB is trying to get his name in the paper by threatening a dude 20 years his senior. HAHA class is just spewing out of the Dawg camp from all angles….
Florida Atlantic @ Florida (-34), 12
EGM
Is it possible that Florida Atlantic will score more points than FSU next week? Quite. The only really interesting thing about this game is how long Meyer will let Sir Tebow pad his stats.
Hooters 17
Gators 50
ML
This should be a game where people question if Tebow is running counters with 5 minutes left. Hopefully, he won’t have to play at all in the second half and we can see what Cameron Newton can do. Percy is still ailing with some sort of strange illness. You’d think the Shands medical team would have a diagnosis by now. Do we have to call Dr. Gregory House? The potential lack of Harvin and the fact that FAU isn’t awful spell a cover for the Owls.
Stuffed Owls 20
Timmy the Taxidermist 49
CB
Huge win last week to finish out our SEC regular season. This week, it’s a bit of a different story. Sure its another Sun-Belt opponent (because USF bailed out of their commitment this year), but its not your typical shitty school coach. This week Howard Schnellenberger returns to Florida Field. The former Miami head coach was the original “run up the score because of spite” guy. Everyone talks about Spur-dawg for dropping 50 on UGA in Athens in 1995, but no one seems to remember Schnelly popping a field goal as time was winding down against the Gators in 1980, when all he had to do was run the clock out. He claims the Gator students were throwing Oranges at his players, boo-fucking-hoo, they were wearing pads!! Oh and so what if a few cheerleaders took some citrus in the mug, they were probably too coked up to feel it. This was the ‘80s people! This was MIAMI for God’s sake! Anyways, I know zero about the Owls and the only thing I ever want to know about them is how they got so embarrassed by the UF team in 2007 that they decided to disband their football squad.
FAU 10
UF 50
Kentucky @ Georgia (-7.5), 12:30
EGM
KY holds the key to the destiny of the SEC East. If they can beat up on UGA and the Vols then the Mighty Gators win the East and will seek their revenge over the Cardiac Cajuns. KY is tough, but I don’t think they can stop the Dawgs fierce running game. Moreno and Brown should tear the KY defense apart while Woodson should match them score for score until the end. Underbite King, Dicky Lyons should also run wild. There won’t be many stops all around but I usually take a strong running game over a strong passing game. As for the cover…
Rich Brooks, rebuilder extraordinaire 28
Mark Pricht, supertanned asshole 35
ML
What will The Prick do this week to manufacture some enthusiasm in Athens? Sacrifice a cougar at mid-field and roll around naked in its blood with his whore wife? Unfortunately, he doesn’t have to manufacture anything to hand the ball off to Knowshon Moreno, who is facing off against one of the conferences worst run defenses. The only thing we can hope for is a blown out knee from Knowshon and a Herculean effort from Woodson. Kentucky needs to score 35 to win this game.
Not enough run stoppers 28
Blowing it open late 42
CB
GO CATS! I don’t think I can make that any clearer. I mean at least if UGA loses and UT wins out, the asshole Bulldogs will be left at home licking themselves. However as much as I am rooting for an upset here, I have to be smart. After the way Jawga manhandled the Gators and took Auburn behind the proverbial woodshed (to do God knows what to them), I think this Dog/Cat match-up is gonna wind up like one would expect in the wild, with a very dead feline. Oh yea, props to Mark Richt for becoming one of the most gimmicky coaches in recent major college memory.
UK 19
UGA 28
Mississippi State @ Arkansas (-11), 2
EGM
Sly Croom, what a fucking coach eh? By the way, Miss State went to a bowl pretty much every year for quite a long time. Then Jackie Sherrill gave up at the end of his career, stopped recruiting and Sly Croom thought it would be a grand idea to run the West Coast offense in the SEC with converted wide receiver QBs. What a comeback! That guy deserves a raise or maybe ten shots to the head with a tackhammer. But guess what folks, get ready for the ESPN barrage of Black Coach in the SEC in a bowl game hype. Maybe Croom will even get a spot on the Budwesier “Not So Hot” Seat. Seriously, how hard is it to answer questions from metrosexual, 130 lbs Mike Greenberg. Houston Nutt is history and likely will end up coaching at Baylor, West Texas State or Gardner-Webb. I made a big mistake in picking Arkansas to beat Tennessee last week as they have not defeated any half ass teams on the road all year. Guess what, they are at home.
West Coast Offense 14
McFadden Right, Jones Left 31
ML
Arkansas really laid an egg last week as well. They were never in the game against UT and proved that decent teams can stop 1 dimensional teams. Especially if said decent team can score. Sly’s boys upset his alma mater and took some of the gloss off the “Saban is God” take in Tuscaloosa. Can the cowbells avoid a letdown and cement the demise of Houston Nutt? Once again this game will come down to stopping the run. This game is being played at War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock. If I ever own some sort of franchise, you can bet my stadium will incorporate the word War into it. I believe Arkansas has a ridiculous record while playing in Little Rock. Felix Jones might be out, but Arkansas usually covers as a favorite.
You’ll still be bowl eligible 17
McFadden Heisman push 33
CB
After last weeks total meltdown by the Razorbacks, I dare you to show me an all SEC game that I could care less about. I can’t tell you how pissed I am at Arkansas. D-Mac runs for a buck and change and had a shitty game, haha. I hope they fire Houston Nutt faster than he can ask for seconds at Thanksgiving. Props to MSU last week though. I swear I didn’t see that coming at all; maybe having a bye week after a huge win is a good thing for them. It also appears that they currently own Alabama, beat ‘em two years in a row, they’re pretty much responsible for Mike Shula getting canned, and now they beat Satan, is there anything they can’t do? I would say beat the Hogs this week. Maybe they’ll cover though.
MSU 13
ARK 23
Vanderbilt @ Tennessee (-11.5), 2
EGM
Vandy played KY quite tough last week. They encounter a slightly less dynamic offense from UT but on the road, away from their library. Arkansas lacks any defense whatsoever and Vandy should put up a much bigger fight against the Vols. After watching, JPW and TT tear apart the greenhorn Vol secondary, I’m betting Mackenzi Adams should toss for a few yards himself. However, the Vandy defense is much too far away from their cherished leather bound copy of Principia Mathematica and they will get torched.
More like Commodes 21
One more, and Phil keeps his job 33
ML
Now the nightmare scenario would be for UT to lose a game and for UGA to beat UK. As much as I hate the great pumpkin and Vol fans, it pales in comparison to my disdain for Richt and UGA. Vandy hung tough with Kentucky, but are still looking for one more win to become the 11th Bowl eligible team in the conference. It won’t come this week, as Phat Phil will move to 14-1 overall against Vander-dork.
Better beat Wake 14
Atlanta bound???? 28
CB
At least this game has some meaning involved. The Vols seriously need this victory if/when UGA wins their game. UT totally shut down the Razorbacks one dimensional offense last week and now its time to stop another one. Vandy can’t run, they can sort of pass, but if they aren’t staring down Bennett, then they are throwing short shit that only works when the QB gets “hit” out of bounds. And when I say hit, I mean not hit. UTs got a lot to play for, and Vandy really needs a win to become Bowl eligible. They have the Wake Skanks next week so that will be a better match up. I like UT big in this one.
Vandy 12
Big Orange 31
Louisiana-Monroe @ Alabama (-25), 2:30
EGM
The battle for the Sun Belt crown continues throughout the SEC.
Warhawks 10
Tide 38
ML
LaMo could be walking into a buzzsaw, what with the Tide having lost its 2nd in a row to lowly MSU. The key to the Tide this year has been JP Wilson “aka Mr. Magnolia 2005” and his mercurial accuracy. In Bama’s 4 losses JP has completed 48.6, 52.8, 47.1 and 35% of his passes. In their W’s, his average completion percentage is over 60. None of this matters, since Bama will be pissed off and shall take out its aggression on lowly LaMo.
Im sorry LaMont!!! 3
Bring on Awbarn 38
CB
HAHA after I gave props to Miss. St. for the big win, now I get to slam Bama for losing to such a joke of a team last week. JPW should rest assured that he pretty much lost the game for the Tide last week. Now they have a cupcake to beat up on, but something, I don’t know what it is, tells me they aren’t gonna exactly come out with any fire after being humiliated by the West Dawgs. Still, what if they decide to take out their frustrations from last week, shit I said that last time, didn’t I? Shit, I’m sure Bama will win, but even closer than Lee Corso believes.
LA-Mon 17
Bammer 35
Louisiana State @ Ole Miss (+19), 3:30
EGM
Ed Orgeron is history. He ruined what respect David Cutcliffe maintained post-Tuberville. Ole Miss will likely go through the SEC winless after Sly Croom pushes their shit in. Lay the 19, LOCK IT UP!
Good 41
Not Good 10
ML
Jesus, this is the CBS game of the week? Are they kidding me? Verne and Gary must be thrilled to be able to spend 4+ hours schlobbing Hester’s knob. Whatever you do, don’t dance. Ole Miss is winless in the conference and coming off a bye week. The real contest is to whether or not the point Ole Miss scores will eclipse the number of “hot-chick references” in Cuzzin’ Bailey’s picks.
Michigan Bound 34
Cutcliffe anyone? 10
CB
Conversation overheard in the Grove: Hey did y’all hear there’s another game this weekend. Oh yea, who alls playin’? Ole Miss and LSU, I think. Eh, let’s just stay here and drink. – I mean can you blame them? The Rebs are 0-6 with nothing, absolutely nothing to play for, I think the Tigers are gonna stomp the hell out of Mississippi. I really like these points.
LSU 30
Ole Miss 10
Auburn – OFF
EGM
Very little drinking.
ML
Lick your wounds and prepare to sack JP Wilson 15 times next week. Thanks for nothing!
CB
I have nothing to say to the team that helped ruin our SEC season and then didn’t try and make amends by beating UGA.
South Carolina – OFF
EGM
Spurrier licking some serious wounds.
ML
I hear the weather in Augusta is gorgeous this time of year.
CB
I hate Spurrier.
Non-SEC GOTW
Ohio State at Michigan (+4.5), 12
EGM
I need to get this off my chest. THE BIG TEN SUCKS! They may not suck every year BUT THEY SUCK THIS YEAR. Watching Ohio State’s juggernaut team get screwed by a Ron Zook team was incredible. I’m so glad I don’t have to watch an overrated Buckeyes team lose again in the National Championship. Sucks to be a Buckeye fan, sucks even more to live in the shithole commonly referred to as “Columbus”. As for the game, Michigan is terrible yet they have only lost one Big Ten game. What does that mean? Hmmmm, THE BIG TEN SUCKS. Ohio State is much better than Michigan and this game will reduce Lloyd Carr to tears. This could be this easiest pick of the year.
Buckeyes 38
Wolverines 14
ML
Man, that Big Ten is so rough and tough. It took the Zooker 3 years to place himself in the top third of the conference. He has proven that all you need to be effective in this league is to realize it’s the 21st century. Recruit speed, spread people out and take some chances and you have a 10 point advantage before the game starts against the Iowa and Wisconsins of the world. Lloyd Carr granted 90% of Wolverines fans’ wishes and is retiring at the end of the year. This opens the door for Les Miles, who will be another coach bringing the SEC style to cornfield land. Michigan’s seniors have never beaten Capt. Sweatervest and are dying to do so. Is it possible Carr sacrificed the game against Wisco to rest up Henne and Hart? After all, this is the greatest rivalry in the history of this or any other universe, so I would not put it past him. Will it pay off?
SuckEyes 20
Big Blue 21
CB
Hooray for Ron Zook. Actually I’m kidding, while I’m glad that his Illini beat the Buckeyes last week, I hate how everyone is praising him for “taking the high road” when he didn’t talk smack about UF firing him after this upset. I mean Illinois beat a somewhat overrated team like many people at least believed they could do. Then he doesn’t talk shit about being fired by UF after bringing that program down a few pegs, so he is commended? Since when are you congratulated for not talking shit about a situation you have no right to talk shit about? Fucking Big 10. I hate it so. This game was selected this week purely by default. Although according to Kirk Herbstreit it’s the best rivalry in College Football and possibly Sports in general. That is laughable. This game now has zero national implications which puts the conference in the same league as such titans as the Big (L)East, and the ACC!!! What company!! Remember the days when Michigan owned OSU? I say let’s revert back to those good ol’ days just one more time. Go Blue, well sort of.
OSU 23
MICH 21
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