Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XIII

We had a email SNAFU but FAMOUS AMOS! has been added.

Malt Licker

It’s rivalry week football fans! Which also means it’s turkey day. My chances at victory hinge on this weekend. I need something like a 7-2 to have a chance to retake the league. Lord knows I’m due. Kudos to Famous Amos for stepping up as the first guest Bourbon Boy in quite some time, especially in light of the fact that his team just lost to La-Mo. I expect much bitterness about how Tebow turned down Shula and Bama for Urban and the Gator Nation.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well last week was bitter sweet. We got to see some badass records get broken by some stud Gators, but UGA also beat UK in a somewhat close game that ended the Gators hopes for a repeat at the SEC Championship Title. Oh well, things don’t always work out the way you want them to, you have to move on, I was trying not to end this sentence with a preposition, oh well, oh wait, there you go… damnit! Now the only question is who should we root for from the SEC East and why. Well we could root for UT since we beat them and that would be cool to be able to say we beat the East rep, but then that would fuck our (slim) chances of getting a BCS at-large bid, you know what, this is too depressing to talk about. FSU is this week, I hope we humiliate the Noles, they act like Tebow is garbage; I just don’t understand how that is possible. I mean are we all not seeing the same games?? Anyways, happy Thanksgiving, please don’t call it Turkey Day, that is so gay…

El Gran Mono

Mmmm turkey. I love eating turkey and watching some football. But who doesn’t? I bet Tim Tebow eats two turkeys for Thanksgiving and washes it does with three gallons of milk. As for the games this week, its rivalry time. Mucho personal fouls and big hits. Hatred and discontent. Drinking and debauchery. Extending two game leads…let’s get it on.

Famous Amos!

Gentlemen, thank you for allowing me to be a guest Bourbon Boy again this year. I’ve been fortunate enough to be a guest several times over the past five years, but unfortunately I’ve missed every Iron Bowl pick. I was hoping with this year’s new Alabama coach, Jesus Paul “Bear” Saban, that it would be different. But after last weekend’s loss to a Division 5 school, I fear the worst on Saturday. Before we get to the picks, let’s look at the BCS standings as they currently sit. Could Kansas, Missouri, or West Virginia last two weeks in the SEC? Not a chance. Lastly, here’s a name that will probably show up in next year’s post: Julio Jones. Write it down. Remember it.

We’ve had another GREAT season of SEC football, now on to the picks!

Friday, November 23, 2007

Ole Miss @ Mississippi State (-7), 12:30

ML

Ahhh…my favorite rivalry game this side of Oregon’s “Civil War,” the Battle for the Golden Egg. This game used to be played exclusively at Jackson’s Veteran’s Memorial Stadium, because the two campus stadiums had capacities below 42,000. Sly’s krewe finds themselves already bowl eligible, favored, and at home. Anything less than a victory will be a disappointment. There is a big difference between 7-5 and 6-6. Meanwhile, Orgeron must feel like he’s being led to the top of a Mayan pyramid going into this game. A loss and he may find himself heartless as well as jobless.

Beep…beep…beep…beep………………. 17

A winning record????? 20

CB

Golden Egg bowl. Until about four weeks ago, I honestly thought that the Rebels were at least going to have a chance at winning this game. The only thing they have going for them is the fact that is a big rivalry. If this were just another douchebag game, then the Dawgs would be favored by double digits.

Rebs 10

Dawgs 20

EGM

Ahh, the Egg Bowl. I like my eggs slightly scrambled, slightly fried and sprinkled with Cajun seasoning. I bet Ed Orgeron eats eggs for pre-breakfast. Speaking of shitty Ed, how the hell is he not getting fired? Apparently the Ole Miss powers-that-be love this guy. Maybe they are just giving up and focusing their efforts on trying to understand one sentence written by William Faulkner. Miss State has the more impressive record but I don’t think they are that much better than the Rebs. I really doubt that Sly’s bowl bound krew should be favored by seven against anyone outside of the Big Ten. I’m actually gonna say this…sigh…Brent Schaeffer keeps this close.

Rebs 17

Dawgs 23

FA

Does anyone care? Well, besides the entire state of Mississississippi? If you’re kidnapped and forced to watch this game, be sure to catch #74 on the Ole Miss O-line – Michael Oher. I recently finished the book, The Blind Side, by Michael Lewis. Great book that follows this 6-6, 322 lb. kid from homeless in Tennessee to a guaranteed first-round NFL pick. BUT, despite being recruited from all the major power houses, he goes to Ole Miss?! I hope you can find him on the field, because he’ll be the only interesting thing in Shaggy Hair Bowl 07.

Michael Oher – 17

Piss State - 14

Arkansas @ Louisiana State (-12), 2:30

ML

Whoo hoo the “Battle for the Golden Boot” pits Nutt, McFadden & Co. vs. the number 1 team in all the land. This is a relatively new rivalry, the Golden boot was only introduced in 1996. This is an awesome trophy: Golden Boot. It weighs 175 pounds and is believed to be the heaviest trophy in college football, and quite possibly the universe. (No trophy wife would ever weigh more than this). For those geographically It is the outline of Louisiana and Arkansas, so it does look like a boot. Just awesome. It has been rumored that one of my favorite coaches…nay people, in all the land is leaving Fayetteville. It’s interesting how this surfaced weeks before primary season. Dare to dream.

Keeping it close for Nutt in ’08 31

Escaping again 34

CB

The only thing riding on this game for me is that the Tigers just need to keep winning to make sure the Buckeyes don’t back door their way into the National Title game. In re: to the game, I could see this one being a little closer than the 12 point spread. Not that Arkansas has really done anything to warrant my faith in the past few weeks. Sure they beat up on the recently surprising MSU Bulldogs last week, but they really got lucky covering that spread at all. I don’t know I just find it very difficult to say that Darren McFadden is through. I have this ridiculous feeling that the Razorbacks are gonna play their fucking hearts out on Friday. I am totally giving away any ground I have made up in the past few weeks, aren’t I, eh screw that, Rage on Cajuns…

Ark 18
LSUsers 31

EGM

One maxim taken from this year: Arkansas is bad on the road. Well, at least 2/3 times because they only play four road games this year. What a waste. LSU had a better defense last year and Arkansas kept the game close with some huge McFadden runs and a kickoff return. After the Vols shut down Arkansas, I have less faith in them. Especially since Jones is hurt. As good as McFadden is, Jones allows him to absorb less carries. Casey Dick is just terrible and so is the Arkansas secondary. Matt Flynn should pick them apart as he is much healthier. This game is almost a steal. Houston Nutt is finished in the SEC as of c. 5:00 PM CST. Run for prez Houston!

Possible POUS 17

Possible Nat’l Champs 31

FA

SEC football at its finest! Auburn had their foot on LSU’s throat, Alabama had a chance to beat them, but LSU has escaped the SEC this year and have a #1 spot in the country as a reward. I don’t anticipate Arkansas can do anything to stop this train, but it’s always fun to watch McFadden. Speaking of McFadden, have you seen his car? He looks like a really BIG Kanye West, but even with the Good Life on his side, they won’t have enough to stop LSU.

Nat’l Champs – 35

Gimme that Nutt -- 21

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Tennessee @ Kentucky (-2.5), 1:30

ML

PC alert!!!! I could be talking about the Beer Barrel right now. Unfortunately this moniker was stripped away after some schlub from UK died in an “alcohol related incident.” Shit happens, people die. It’s no reason to take away the joy of seeing 75 football players dance around a beer barrel. Kentucky blew it against UGA last week, and UT saved their season with a dramatic comeback over Vandy. Can they save Phat Phil’s job with a win in Lexington????

Phat head on the chopping block 24

Peach Bowl bound 31

CB

Where were you KY? Thanks for totally fucking laying down like a bunch of little bitches. I hope Andre Woodson’s draft status has dropped dramatically. I mean all I wanted from the Wildcats was one (and then another) measly victory against and smoking hot UGA team, and what did they do, totally blow it. Screw Kentucky. Oh yea, I guess I’m gonna root for them though. If UT goes to the SEC Championship game, then the only other SEC team that would have an outside shot at a BCS bowl game would be UGA and I really hate the Bulldogs.

UT 22

UK 21

EGM

It’s official. I hate Georgia more than any other team. For a team that lost two games they are the cockiest bunch of douchebags on earth. Back to this game, I’m openly rooting for the Vols to win the East. I’d much rather see them play LSU than watch UGA play another game and watch there players celebrate 2 yard gains. As for KY, I’ve given Woodson too much credit. The guy holds on to the ball WAY too long and takes sacks like they are a positive stat. He will get his yards against the shaky but improved UT defense. However, in the end its doubtful that the Mildcats will stop the Vols on more than two possessions. The Beer Barrel will be property of the Vols.

Hello ATL 21

Hello Music City Bowl 17

FA

This should be a good after lunch Saturday football game: with a win, Rocky Top has a shot in the SEC title game and Kentucky is trying to get their mojo back after dropping 4 of the last 6 games. Does everyone remember the Tide ROLLLING all over Rocky Top earlier this year? Ha-Ha! Suck it Fat Phil! The almost lost last weekend to Vandy, so I’m going with Kentucky. I just hope the football team isn’t already waiting for March Madness like the rest of the school and state.

Al Gore’s home state -- 17

Are we playing basketball yet? – 35

Wake Forest @ Vanderbilt (+1.5), 2

ML

None of these teams have a rivalry with anyone in football. How depressing. Can Vanderbilt get over their blown W in Neyland and win one for SEC pride?

Pissed off Preachers 20

Dorks 22

CB

Under normal circumstances I would probably root for an SEC team against an ACC opponent, but this week I must follow my allegiance for the disdain I feel for Vandie. Wake has never really done anything offensive to me, whereas Vanderbilt’s simple existence is enough to boil my blood. Dang, Wake had a very nice winning streak going on this year, maybe my favoritism isn’t the only reason I should pull for the Deacs. On a side note, how less impressive does that win over Nebraska look in retrospect, I guess its better that Wake lost that game so they wouldn’t have looked back on the game and thought, “man look at how great we were” and then have to realize they were wrong cause the Huskers suck. Did that make sense? Anyways, that was bizarre, let’s go

Wake!

Wake Skanks 23

Vandy ‘Doremats 19

EGM

Mac Adams and the Commodes gave the Vols all they can handle. Wake Forest is not the team of destiny that they were last year. They count on the short pass and a controlled running game. Vandy eats that kind of shit for breakfast….especially when they have library access on a Friday night.

ACC Demons 17

13^th Bowl Eligible SEC team 24

FA

WOW! – Why isn’t this game on TV? Kidding…kidding. Vandy almost kicked Fat Phil’s team last weekend and I bet they’ll rebound this weekend. Wake has turned out to have a decent season, but Vandy will be fired up to play in front of the dozens and dozens of fans in Vanderbilt Stadium.

Shake and Wake! – 20

Dandy Vandy -- 27

Georgia @ Georgia Tech (+3.5), 3:30

ML

Man…I never knew this game was dubbed “Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate.” Which is incredibly fitting because it describes my feelings toward Mark “The Prick” Richt and just about every UGA fan around. Maybe he was on to something with his ongoing manufactured intensity fest, because with it absent last week, the puppies got off to a sluggish start. Richt must have painted his wife as a UK co-ed and had Knowshon, Stafford, Massaquoi and company queue up some bukkake. He may have even joined in. I can’t believe UGA is only a 3.5 point favorite. I thought Tech sucked? Let me confirm this…oh yea they do….UGA rolls to their 7^th straight win in this rivalry.

Katharyn Richt = Walking STD culture 31

Chan Gailey = Dead Man Walking 17

CB

HAHA so some total jerkwater Dawg fan was at the bar last weekend watching the UK game with his prissy girlfriend and no shit he was wearing the UGA uniform. Red shirt, red had, khaki pants (highwaters too, what a fag), croakies for his sunglasses and the absolute kicker was one of those puffy vest type things that looks like sleeveless ski jacket!!! It was classic, oh yea, and not only was he total douche, but he got all upset with us making fun of him, he “didn’t have time for this.” It was priceless. If my team was winning and some mega-sore losers were bashing what I was wearing, I would have made a special point to stay there and celebrate in front of them. I mean he “didn’t have time for this,” he might as well have told us to “hush” or to “quit sassing him.” HAHA it made my day to seem him act like such a puss. Oh yea, I’m taking Jawga in this one, I mean just cause their fans are either total hicks or total pricks doesn’t mean their boys don’t know how to play ball!

UGA 28

GA TECH 20

EGM

This line is a joke. I really don’t like UGA but this is a joke. Georgia Tech is a gimmick blitzing team and they are playing a power run / playaction pass team. I smell mismatch. Additionally, GaTech’s offense is pathetic (sorry E) and the sad ass UGA defense will stop them easily.

Jackasses 24

Ramblin’ Wreck 7

FA

I like what Richt is doing at UGA this year. The black jerseys against AW-burn helped the Dawgs bring their A-game. I know it won’t gain me any friends among this group, but the entire team celebrating the TD against Florida looked like an Under Armour commercial:

Will you dance in the endzone? I will! I will!

Tech hasn’t been same since without Calvin Johnson and they’ve lost 6 straight to dem Dawgs. I’m going with UGA and the endzone dancers.

Ramblin Wreck – 13

How bout dem Dawgs? – 27

Florida State @ Florida (-14), 5

ML

Apparantly this is called the Sunshine Showdown. I’ve never heard this before. Perhaps I have been blinded by my hatred for F$U. Perhaps I was drunk. Perhaps no one else on Earth knew this either. None of it matters. What matters is that Tebow has his full complement of weapons for the first time this year. Geno Hayes provided bulletin board material for Timmy and the Gators this week with his declaration that “Tebow is going down.” None of this matters either. Timmy is so self-motivated that he doesn’t need bulletin board material. When I first saw this line, I thought F$U’s tough D might make this a close game. Despite being terrified by the loss of Joe Haden and the prospect of Jacques Rickerson seeing the field, I think the emotion of the Swamp will rattle F$U’s shit-bag offense and the Gators will roll.

You ain’t playing Bama 17

HE15MAN 44

CB

Good lord this game opened at 14?? After Geno Hayes said that they were basically gonna do their best to hurt Tebow, I’m sure the spread has dropped significantly. I mean they are gonna stop Tebow by any means necessary so that must mean its gonna work cause when the Nole set out to injure an opposing player, history has shown us that they mean it. I have to wonder though. Was it really the smartest thing to come out and say that they were gonna do it? I mean what if by some chance Hayes takes a cheap shot on TT and it actually hurts him? Will they just let it go because good ol’ Bobby is a saint? Anyways, enough of that, I just saw William Floyd (former FSU FB) on SunSports and he basically just said that, sure Florida has Tebow and he’s great, and Bubba Caldwell and he’s great, and other great players, but that doesn’t make them great. Basically he just said that the Gators have great players but they aren’t great. I love that guy! I guess I’ll take the great Gators over the shitty Noles any day of the week…Esp this Saturday.

FSU 13

FLORIDA 29

EGM

Good guys versus the bad guys. What else is there to say? I truly believe that FSU has the most talent in the ACC but is constantly wasting it. Drew Weatherford actually looks half ass these days. Unfortunately, they are playing Tebow and he is the best. That sounds biased. And it most certainly is, but the guy is fucking crazy good. Not just the running, but the passing. He’s spot fucking on. Gators…easy, like an FSU chick.

Sluts 20

Classy 38

FA

Who would have thought a home-schooled kid QB would carry a team to a National Championship, through the SEC, and have his sights on the Heisman? Well, Tim Tebow is the REAL deal. The Gators have a deadly combination this weekend: the chosen one at QB and playing in The Swamp. I expect the Gators to put on an offense show for the millions watching on CBS Saturday evening. Hopefully after this game we won’t have to hear the words “South Florida” again….ever.

Home-schoolers – 42

Criminoles - 31

Clemson @ South Carolina (+2.5), 7

ML

No trophy for this game either. One would think the Battle for the Palmetto State would offer up Stonewall Jackson’s decapitated arm as a trophy for being the best team in the Secession State. The Cocks have completely fallen off after a promising start and much preseason hype. The only time I watched Clemzzzon was when they ran all over F$U. That was like 200 days ago. This is a pretty even matchup, and I anticipate that El Gran Mono will take South Carolina to tweak his in-laws, I shall choose the opposite

Purple Tigers 27

Beaten Cocks 21

CB

You know how I said I would typically not root for an ACC school over an SEC school? Well I guess you can forget all about that. I really, really, really dislike Sorth Carolina, and I have a general sense of indifference toward Clemzin. I really enjoyed their campus and always had fun visiting up there, but I really don’t care if they win or lose. The same can’t be said for the Gamecocks. They are always so fucking, forgive me, cocky, generally without warrant and it just drives me nuts. It drove me to drink the few times I have been there (yea that was it). Anyways, I have no faith in their ability to stop anything or anyone, and that is why I am going with Clemzin’s dual running attack (presumably they are both still healthy of course, see didn’t I mention indifference?), as well as their QB who seems to be doing quite well, as…well. The Cocks have showed me nothing.

Tigers 19

Cocks 16

EGM

Battle for the Palmetto State. Spurdog versus Bowden. That last statement says it all. Last week, against BC, Tommy “Handsome One” Bowden blew the game with shitbox playcalling. While I will admit that Spurdog has his offdays, he’s ten times the coach that Ol’ Tommy is. I’ll take the 2.5 at home even if SC can’t stop the run.

Tiggers like to bounce 13

Cocks like to… 21

FA

Unless there is another bench-clearing brawl before/during/after this game, I doubt this game will have much excitement for us. Clemson almost had BC last weekend, so expect them to come out firing for some redemption. The ‘Ol Ballcoach always has his team ready, but Clemson will be too much for them. South Carolina just doesn’t have the talent.

Hey Florida fans – now do you realize how much everyone else in the country LOVED watching Spurrier throw this visor down in disgust?

Visor boy - 17

Clemson – 24

Alabama @ Auburn (-6), 7

ML

Arrrrrrrrrrrnnnnn Bowl!!!!! Man, I have the opportunity to permanently enshrine myself in the Asshole Hall of Fame, but even yours truly can’t make late of the tragedy involving former Bama RB Siran Stacy. My heart goes out to him and his family. However, my heart does not go out to Satan and the rest of his minions. He has already cemented himself into the Asshole hall of fame. Imagine if he said losing to La-Mo was worse than the day the Bear died? Auburn has kind of owned Bama of late and I see this trend continuing. John Parker Wilson is overrated and the Plainsmen D will eat him up like Thanksgiving turkey

Crisis Mode 13

Plain faggots 27

CB

I GUESS this game could be as close as 6 points. I mean it’s the “Iron Bowl” and all. But hasn’t Bama just imploded as of late? They’ve lost three straight and the most recent was the most heinous of them all. Louisiana-Monroe for God’s sake!! I mean I picked the Tide not to cover, but I never in my wildest dreams thought they would lose. Its gotten so bad that Nick Saban has compared these recent events to 9/11 and to Pearl Harbor. I supposed its not good to lose in Tuscaloosa, but has it really gotten that bad Satan? Perhaps that was a little bit inappropriate. Anyways, I was gonna try and go this whole issue without talking about football once, but I am a little freaked out by Satans comments to say anything too funny. It looks like Bama is getting the Tigers at a good time. Bran-done Cox was trying to forget about his awful performance against Georgia last year so he had another pitiful showing this year, I guess that worked. Look if the Tide can cut their mistakes down and play tough defense against Auburn, I not only think they can cover, but I think they can win. However, I think its highly unlikely that the Alabama’s players have anything left in the old confidence locker. Let the Tigers get ahead too early and it could be a long night for the Elephants.

Bummer 17

Aw-barn 24

EGM

I’rn Bowl. My dip spit is biggr’nyurs. Saban is gonna find out what happens when you lose to Auburn. JPW is crap and is regressing as you read this. The Plainsmen can stop the run and that leaves no option for Bamer. It’s like Pearl Harbor…

Because we suck 10

Because we are like Japs 21

FA

The Tide started off the season with HIGH hopes and then the UGA OT loss and the close LSU loss sucked the life out of the team. Last Saturday was a low point for all Crimson Tide fans: the team the Bear built lost to LA-Monroe. Y’all might have seen Saban’s recent comments got him a little bit of hot water. Well, I agree with him 100%. That was a loss that can’t happen and can’t be tolerated. It’s time we all get together, cowboy up and go run over the AW-Bern Tigers. We can’t let them get six in a row!

My last five Iron Bowl predictions have been wrong, so maybe this year the reverse Guest Bourbon Boy prediction will help out BAMA.

This hurts to write this. I hate Auburn, but the Tide is on a tough skid.

Saban’s Tide – 18

Udder Armour -- 27

Non-SEC GOTW

Missouri @ Kansas (-2), 12

ML

The Border Showdown has not meant this much since the 1860s. Chase Daniel will have Brody Jenner and the rest of the Laguna Beach crew rooting him on fervently. Kansas has a stud QB of their own in Reesing. But let’s be honest, the real star of the show is morbidly obese Mark Mangino. Can this fat fuck do the impossible and lead Kansas to an undefeated season? The entire nation will be watching. Not only that, the series is tied at 53 between these two mediocre programs. So much at stake!!!!

Mizzou 31

What curse of #2? 37

CB

Damn, both of these schools have been tearing shit up this year. Mizzou’s only loss this year was to Oklahoma, a team that Kansas hasn’t had to play (yet) this year. With KU and Sooner wins this weekend then that will be case. The Tigers and the Jayhawks have had incredible years, and this game is really as close as the spread implies. A mistake here or there could spell disaster for either team because that is all that will be needed. The curse of the number 2 slot in the polls this year is still in play as KU has to win this game and then go to the Big 12 Championship to make it to New Orleans for the National Championship game, but if they look ahead, they may even get fucked (however unlikely) out of a BCS at-large berth. I say its hard to pick against a team that is as red hot as Kansas right now. They are undefeated, they can still look forward to next week to losing they chance at glory. Rock, Chalk beyatch!

Tigers 30

Jayhawks 33

EGM

Huge game for Nat’l Title implication. Mizzou has to win to stay in the mix and Kansas is trying to prove everyone wrong. Except Vegas apparently, who has the Jayhawks favored by 2. I like the slave state a bit more than Vegas. Chase Daniel is fucking stud. If he or Reesing wins the Heisman, I’ll be cool. Yes, despite naming either player last week, I’m good with either of them. Watch this game, lots of offense and the Confederacy wins this time. I bet Mangino will have a full service buffet on the sidelines to satisfy his hunger pangs.

Jhonny Reb 31

John Browns 28

FA

Wow, two teams that wouldn’t last a month in the SEC are playing for a shot at the National Championship? Doesn’t this happen about this time every year?

This should be a good match-up, but can anyone believe Game Day is in Kansas City, Mo. at the end of November? What a crazy football season!

We’ve watched the #2 CURSE take down teams all season, so I don’t expect this weekend to be any different. Mizzou over the Jayhawks.

#2 Cursed Jayhawks – 28

Mizzou -- 31