Cuzzin Bailey
Well…last weekend was case lesson in duality. On one hand, my guest Bourbon Girl and I had a great time in G-Ville tailgating with friends, drinking some beers, eating some bbq and getting hooked up with some cool-down time in the Letterman Club in the Swamp (thank you DinnerCruise Gambler!) That was the outstanding hand. On the other side, the Gators looked pretty pedestrian with their ball control/turnover game plan; the late TO by T-BOW made this game look closer than it actually was, (never did I actually think we would lose). However, we did win, Urb and Timmy are now undefeated against UT, the Gators are 3-0 and somehow Lane Kiffin is celebrating as if they won! HAHA Sorry, my affection for “moral victories” went the way of the Zooker. No such thing Laney. Yall lost, we won, more to come of both…
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Malt Licker
I’d like to thank Jimmy Carter for subbing in for me last week. I feel like a grenade went off inside my sinuses, so I wish he was here this week. Unfortunately, he is on a pilgrimage to the burial sites of Ho Chi Minh, Pol Pot and Chairman Mao. Speaking of pilgrimages, I made mine to Gainesville last week to watch Lil’ Lane and his boys “win” 13-23. Seriously, give me a break. Was Knoxville’s case of Phat Phil Fatigue so serious that they have no problem swallowing a 4-8 season? I must admit that the game revealed some chinks in the Gator armor. All we need is one of the young wide receivers to step up.
El Gran Mono
Given that I'm only miles from the home of Stonewall Jackson in my Shenandoah refuge, I'll keep things plain and simple just like Thomas Jackson himself.
Did all Gator fans want to win by 600 points last Saturday? Did Tennessee only want to compete? The answer to both questions is definitely "yes". However, despite the respective anger and happiness one truth remains, UF plays for titles and the Vols for bowl eligibility. Let the quests continue and the words diminish.
Thu 09/24
Mississippi at South Carolina (+3), 7:30
EGM
The Cocks are the first test for the overrated Rebs. Since when do SEC games of this magnitude get played on Thursday night? I thought that was reserved for the ACC Games of the Century.
The Cocks lost a heartbreaker two weeks ago but that game saw the emergence of Drunky Garcia. Spurdog can really do some damage with a talented QB who's not scared of the blitz.
Ole Miss has a good offense. And will put up some points but I doubt their untested and average defense will hold up. I'll take the cocks in a straight up W.
Rebs 24
Cocks 27
CB
Fever 34
Stever (that’s a stretch) 23
ML
Ole Piss 20
South Cackalacky 21
Sat 09/26
LSU at Mississippi State (+12.5), 12:20
EGM
After Miss State put down lowly Vandy last week, people are talking rejuvenation under Dan Mullen. What really needs rejuvenation is the Starkville bar scene. Perhaps CUzzin' Bailey could consult on such an operation.
I'm not sold on LSU as a great team and I'm not sold on Miss State as an average team. Jordan Jefferson is extremely raw and often goes with the tomato can approach to the passing game. This shadiness will keep the Dawgs in the game and cover quite easily.
Tigers 24
Dawgs 17
CB
Dirty Cajuns 35
Dirty Dogs 14
ML
Tigers 28
Piss St 14
Arkansas at Alabama (-17), 3:30
ML
So far this year, Ryan Mallett has been the Pinball Wizard to coach Petrino’s high scoring offense. ‘Bama may look the best out of SEC teams thus far. They roll into SEC play 3-0 and look to make an opening statement in the race for the Western division title. The Hogs have the 2nd ranked offense in the country and will put some points on the board, but they face the 3rd ranked defense in the nation. Bama will need to put up 20+ to win, and they need a healthy Julio Jones to make that happen.
Sooey 17
Tiiiiiiiiiide 38
CB
Razah Backs 13
Crimson Tiiide 40
EGM
Hawgs 20
Bamer 34
Florida at Kentucky (+21.5), 6
CB
Some genius sportswriter from the Gainesville Sun said it best, this is a great time for the Gators to hit the road, and if history is a teacher at all, this is a great opponent too. UF really needs to get out into the wild this weekend for a backyard brawl (in which they are heavily favored). I see that all my jokes about Ole Miss’ team coming down with the flu have come back and bit me on the buttocks. Fine, I apologize to the flu Gods! (except for that previous joke). Look, this is simple, either UF plays up to their potential, or they don’t. Either way its gonna take more than just two mistakes by Tebow to cost the Gators the game, but the real question (as it was last week) is whether or not UF is gonna put the Big Blue to bed early, or let them stay up to watch Carson. I say make it apparent early that the visitors are NOT in Lexington to ogle the blonde beyatches, but to get down to (football) business…
GO GATORS 42
Cowardly Cats 14
ML
Gatorzzzzzzz 44
Kats 9
EGM
Gators 60
Cats 10
Ohio at Tennessee (-21.5), 7
CB
First off, cheers to Kiffin Jr. It takes a REAL man to make fun of players with the flu. I mean I guess if you really are in charge of a team that sucks as bad as the Vuls, you pick your battles. Watch out all you senior citizens in Knoxville, seems like Lane is smelling blood in the water! My prediction is he goes after the blind next…Speaking of which, what do you think J. Crompton’s eyesight is like? Is he NOT the worst QB you have ever seen??? Anyways, word is, the Bobcats are actually coming to play this weekend (unlike the Vols offensive play callers last week, zing!). Tough Defense, marginal offense…haha which team am I talking about?? Frankly, UT’s RB Hardesty is pretty narsty and I think that even a poor day by Crompton won’t keep the Orange out of the W column…
BobCats 12
Pussies 30
ML
Bobcats 10
Douchebags 24
EGM
Bobcats 7
Vols. 24
Ball State at Auburn (-33)
ML
Letterman U visits the plains to take on the rejuvenated Tigers. Gene Chizik is riding the backs of his backs, Ben Tate and Onterio McCalebb, and is generating a buzz in Auburn. The Cardinals are one of the worst teams in Division I and are winless thus far. I could not be less interested in a game…
Gap Tooth U 3
War Eagle 45
CB
Ball Scraight 7
Opelika 50
EGM
Douche Hats 10
Plainsmen 49
Arizona State at Georgia (-12.5)
CB
I feel like I’m on Candid Camera or something. Why is UGA favored by 13 points here? I mean I understand that they have been in some shootouts lately, but one of them was against a pathetic South Carolina team! They have no defense, and ASU is ranked #1 in the nation in Defense. I’m looking for UGA to resort to actually playing some defense (if possible) and AT THE SAME TIME mind you, keep up their offensive tear. Only then will they be able to win comfortably and stop the damage they have already done to the Bulldog fans’ livers…
Sun Devil Went Down to …yea you get it 23
Devil Water Drinking Dawgs 30
ML
Sunny D’s 20
Cox’ Army 38
EGM
Sun devils 17
Dawgs 34
Vanderbilt at Rice (+7.5), 8
EGM
The battle of the small private schools masquerading in big football conferences. Wait a second, Rice isn't in the Big 12 like many of their former SWC mates. Vandy is in the SEC.
Honestly, that's about all the analysis I can give on this game.
Hooters 10
Vandy 21
CB
Schmandy 37
Lice 10
ML
Smart SEC 21
Smart Big 12 10
GAME OF THE WEEK
UM at VT (+3), 3:30
ML
Alright Canes fans, let’s put down the coke and settle down. You have beat two fellow ACC teams with more than a week to prepare before each game. I know you are excited to have your first decent quarterback since Ken Dorsey. But you really need to relax. Blacksburg is a town where undefeated seasons go to die. The Hokies edged out the Huskers last week, and need their traditional bread and butter, defense and special teams, to carry them if they want to take down the Canes. I’m looking for Jacory Harris to fall back to earth and turn the ball over a couple times. The Hokies will take advantage and cause South Florida to jump back off the bandwagon
scUM 17
Hokie Hokie Hokie!!! 21
CB
“Big Wins?” 23
Home Dog Hokies 21
EGM
Back to reality 13
Hokies 20
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week III
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week III
Saturday, September 19, 2009
El Gran Mono
First things first, congrats to Malt Lick on his engagement. Now the fun begins...
This week marks the real beginning of the SEC season. UT-FLA, let's crank it up. Can Kiffin cash the checks his mouth has been writing? Can Tebow go 4-0 against the hated Volunteers? Will Urban Meyer rub it in? I'm guessing it will be a lot of column B and C.
I'll shall be watching all of this and next weekend's awesomeness from the beautiful Shenandoah Mountains. Cuzzin' Bailey will be handling all of the technical details these next few weeks so aim all queries and gestures of love in his direction
Cuzzin Bailey
First off, how about some props to the Licker for popping the question, and to future Mrs. Licker for accepting said proposal! Cheers! Hopefully the Gators can win big to help yall celebrate this weekend. Speaking of this weekend, this is the first Gator game Cuzzin Bailey will be attending, should be a great time, especially with my guest Bourbon Girl. After watching UT laying a total egg last week, I am feeling way too confident about the game. Some may say its “over-confidence” but the Vols play calling against UCLA removed any fears I had. Also I don’t think the Gators have to worry about UT sneaking up on them (ala Ole Miss last year)…this game has been on the calendar since February…
President James Earl Carter (subbing in for the Malt Licker):
I must say it is difficult to type with splinters in your fingertips. Saving the world one sanctimonious house at a time is hard work. My arthritis is also acting up and I refuse to see a doctor until everyone in this country is assured of their fundamental right to health care. Therefore, I am dictating everything to my lovely wife Rosalynn. Speaking of dictators, I love cozying up to them, especially those that actively criticize the United States. Luckily, splinters and arthritis do not prevent me from visiting Fidel, Hugo and Moammar. I find it curious that Mr. Licker chose me to replace him this week, I hate college football. Especially college football in the south. It does nothing more than allow white elites to make money on the backs of poor African-American young men. Nevertheless, it is my Christian duty to help those in need, and Mr. Licker tells me he is too worked up to string together a coherent thought. He tells me he favors limited government, so I find it difficult to believe he could ever string together a coherent thought. Even though I do not know anything about college football and am in way over my head, if you disagree with any of my picks, you are a racist to be pitied…
Louisville @ Kentucky (-13), 12
EGM
KY creamed Louisville last year 27-2. KY wasn’t very good last year. This leaves the impression that Louisville is not a very good team. In fact, since Bobby Petrino left, they’ve been terrible. KY does know how to play a little defense and I imagine they will force a few turnovers and score on the short fields. Its doubtful, they could drive 80 yards on anyone with Mike Hartline at the helm. The real question on everyone’s mind: Which basketball coach will be convicted of murder first?
Cards 5
Kats 21
CB
Cheating Basketball Coach (personal) 20
Cheating Basketball Coach (business) 34
JC for ML
Red Kentucky 14
Blue Kentucky 31
North Tejas @ Alabama (NL), 12:20
JC for ML
I won both these states during my glorious ascendance to the presidency in 1976. However, their overall racist attitudes blinded them to the wisdom of my policies, which led them to vote for that fascist moron Reagan. Alabama is known as the Crimson Tide, which makes me think of the tragic government response to Hurricane Katrina. This country’s failure to eliminate all use of fossil fuels caused Katrina and will lead to 30 Category 15 hurricanes within the next 4 years. North Texas is known as the Mean Green. This makes me think of the immorality of capitalism and the greediness of everyone involved with college football.
Kapitalism bad Komrade 0
Crimson tide of blood and tears 44
EGM
Mean Green 9
Bamer 31
CB
Team from Necessary Roughness? 6
It doesn’t Matter 50
Tennessee @ Florida (-28.5), 3:30
EGM
I can feel it in the air. Its Tennessee week. The grass is greener. The wind a little cooler. Light orange is just a little more annoying than it already is. All the talk about this game relates to Baby Face Kiffin’s stupid remarks over the off season. ESPN tells me every hour on the hour that Gator fans might be a little t’d off about the situation. Perhaps they will float this into a Coors Light Rocky Mountain Quiz Question – “If given a choice would you draw and quarter Lane Kiffin?” Maybe Kornheiser could come on and say something like: “I don’t understand why these idiots like college football, haven’t they heard in the South about the NFL?” Sorry, my ESPN hate got wrapped in Tennessee hate. As for the game, the Gators had some trouble moving the ball against UT in Knoxvegas last year. They went pretty run heavy after they got the score where they wanted it and realized that Crapton was exactly that. This year, I imagine the Gators will have a fairly difficult time moving the ball early against an even better Vol defense. Fortunately, much like Va Tech v. Bama, UT’s inability to avoid excessive three and outs will kill them. Tebow shall enjoy feasting on the tired Vol defense and perhaps enjoy feasting on Kiffin’s sautéed brain after the game. I wonder if Nu’Keese Richardson will pull a Fred Rouse after the game and tell Meyer he should have came to UF. I enjoy the name Nu’Keese a great deal.
Crapton picks 6
Gators 35
CB
Kiffin’s Folly 24
Revenge, a Dish Best Served Over and Over Again 54
JC for ML
Volunteers for a racist cause 9
Mean reptiles 44
Louisiana-Lafayette @ LSU (-26), 7:00
EGM
A good ol’ Bayou slugfest. Well, not really. LSU will do most of the scoring and most of the defending. Charles Scott is a stud and should run wild in this game. Perhaps that will negate the awfulness that is Jordan Jefferson.
Rajun Cajuns 10
Just Cajuns 31
CB
Lou-LA 13
LSooo 45
JC for ML
I love the French 3
Coonasses 34
Florida Atlantic @ South Carolina (-21), 7
JC for ML
Steve Spurrier is South Carolina’s coach and has been rumored to be linked with Augusta National, that evil den of sexism in my state of birth. However, he agrees with Barack Obama about the need for a playoff in college football. While I do not believe in competition, I admire Mr. Spurrier’s ability to avoid racism and agree with our embattled President. I am definitely conflicted. FAU is the underdog, so normally I’d favor them, but Spurrier’s young quarterback reminds me of my brother Billy.
Owls 10
Ohhh billyyy 35
EGM
Owls 13
Cocks 33
CB
FAU 14
USCe 34
Mississippi State at Vanderbilt (-9), 7
EGM
Sure, Vandy played tough against LSU last week but -9. Really? That seems a lot of points for the Commodes to cover even if Joe Montana was playing QB for them. Miss State has defensive issues but Vandy should be the cure to those woes. The Dawgs even scored a few points against a normally stingy Plainsmen defense. The biggest problem for the Miss State players will be avoiding the solid bar scene in Nashville. However, this is a constant road problem for the Dawgs given the prohibitionist approach in Starkville. After typing those thoughts, I suddenly like the Dores chances.
Drunk Dawgs 13
Vandy 24
CB
MSU 21
Vandy 25
JC for ML
Hicks, even by Georgia standards 9
Robber Barons 26
SE Louisiana at Ole Miss (NL), 7:30
CB
And now we will see what damage, if any, the “flu-like symptoms” has caused to the Rebels locker-room. 20-plus players were ill last week, good time for a bye-week, this week is a good time to play a division I-AA school, and I’m not talking smack b/c the Gators first two games were total gimmes. The Rebs got off to a slow start against Memphis two weeks ago, but slow start or not, this game is gonna be in the bag before the chandeliers are set up in the Grove. With the SEC schedule on the horizon, excitement is building for Ole Miss’ run at their first ever SEC West title, one could say the fans have a “fever” for big season…too soon?
SE-LA Paycheck 13
I’m so cold, I mean hot, I mean cold 56
EGM
Lions 6
Rebs 45
JC for ML
Ragin’Need for Public Option 2
Nutts! 44
Georgia at Arkansas (Pk), 7:45
CB
Huge game for both teams. Not that its necessarily make or break at this point, but let’s just run down both teams situations. First off, Georgia: they already have one loss under their belt and another one will most certainly knock them out of the NC hunt (if any still believes they are in it, haha), but another SEC WIN will get them off to a strong start and a big road SEC West win! Arkansas is another one of those clever teams that scheduled an off week the second week of the season. So basically them whooping up on Mizzou St in week one means jack squat. Apparently the Razorbacks like to throw the ball around this year which is something apparently isn’t going to be hard to do against the Bulldogs, but considering the ‘Backs have lost 8 of their last 10 at home against ranked SEC opponents, not knowing that feeling could hurt them. I guess what it will come down to is whether or not Joe Cox can get over whatever injury/illness they are shoveling at us this week and “sack” up. I’m not convinced he can…
Ugh, My Shoulder 25
‘Back in the Mix? 27
EGM
Dawgs 21
Hawgs 23
JC for ML
My State 21
Slick Willy’s 17
West Virginia at Auburn (-7), 7:45
CB
Auburn has actually looked decent this year. They handled La Tech and then beat first year Miss. St. coach Dan Mullen and the West Dogs last week. I’m not saying that I’m locking in the Tigers for the big DUB here, I’m just saying. I’m gonna do a Joe Maddon special and just look at the numbers cause I haven’t seen either team play so far. With the exception of last year in recent memory, “Jerdin”-Hare Stadium has been a very intimidating spot to play especially at night. And considering that The Mountaineers have played pretty much no one so far, I think this would be a great chance for 1st year Tiger coach Gene Chizik to show off his skillz. Speaking of old Geno, I’m still not convinced that a guy that went 5-19 at Iowa State was the right call for this team, but maybe he just needed the right talent. Who knows? The Tiger offense appears to be wide-open right now, which is the way the winds are blowing these days, so I don’t think WVa’s defense is gonna be able to hang in this game too long.
Country Road 17
One Road 35
EGM
Mountaineers 22
Plainsmen 29
JC for ML
Coal Miners 20
Plainsmen 26
Tejas Tech @ Tejas (-17.5), 5
JC for ML
Someday I dream of a Texas without a “Texas” and a “Texas Tech.” A country without states. I despise federalism. A world without countries. A solar system without planets. A football game without offense and defense. A game where no one loses and everyone wins. But alas, I must try to analyze this “Game of the Week.” The Longhorns will have revenge on their mind, and the Red Raiders have a lot to replace. Young Michael Crabtree, should be allowed to play. Unfortunately he is being held hostage by the pigs in the NFL. Unlike the Iranians, these guys have no justification for their actions.
Tech 20
Horns 41
EGM
Red Raiders 24
Longhorns 35
CB
Mex Tech 20
Keep Austin Weird (aka. Liberal) 45
Saturday, September 19, 2009
El Gran Mono
First things first, congrats to Malt Lick on his engagement. Now the fun begins...
This week marks the real beginning of the SEC season. UT-FLA, let's crank it up. Can Kiffin cash the checks his mouth has been writing? Can Tebow go 4-0 against the hated Volunteers? Will Urban Meyer rub it in? I'm guessing it will be a lot of column B and C.
I'll shall be watching all of this and next weekend's awesomeness from the beautiful Shenandoah Mountains. Cuzzin' Bailey will be handling all of the technical details these next few weeks so aim all queries and gestures of love in his direction
Cuzzin Bailey
First off, how about some props to the Licker for popping the question, and to future Mrs. Licker for accepting said proposal! Cheers! Hopefully the Gators can win big to help yall celebrate this weekend. Speaking of this weekend, this is the first Gator game Cuzzin Bailey will be attending, should be a great time, especially with my guest Bourbon Girl. After watching UT laying a total egg last week, I am feeling way too confident about the game. Some may say its “over-confidence” but the Vols play calling against UCLA removed any fears I had. Also I don’t think the Gators have to worry about UT sneaking up on them (ala Ole Miss last year)…this game has been on the calendar since February…
President James Earl Carter (subbing in for the Malt Licker):
I must say it is difficult to type with splinters in your fingertips. Saving the world one sanctimonious house at a time is hard work. My arthritis is also acting up and I refuse to see a doctor until everyone in this country is assured of their fundamental right to health care. Therefore, I am dictating everything to my lovely wife Rosalynn. Speaking of dictators, I love cozying up to them, especially those that actively criticize the United States. Luckily, splinters and arthritis do not prevent me from visiting Fidel, Hugo and Moammar. I find it curious that Mr. Licker chose me to replace him this week, I hate college football. Especially college football in the south. It does nothing more than allow white elites to make money on the backs of poor African-American young men. Nevertheless, it is my Christian duty to help those in need, and Mr. Licker tells me he is too worked up to string together a coherent thought. He tells me he favors limited government, so I find it difficult to believe he could ever string together a coherent thought. Even though I do not know anything about college football and am in way over my head, if you disagree with any of my picks, you are a racist to be pitied…
Louisville @ Kentucky (-13), 12
EGM
KY creamed Louisville last year 27-2. KY wasn’t very good last year. This leaves the impression that Louisville is not a very good team. In fact, since Bobby Petrino left, they’ve been terrible. KY does know how to play a little defense and I imagine they will force a few turnovers and score on the short fields. Its doubtful, they could drive 80 yards on anyone with Mike Hartline at the helm. The real question on everyone’s mind: Which basketball coach will be convicted of murder first?
Cards 5
Kats 21
CB
Cheating Basketball Coach (personal) 20
Cheating Basketball Coach (business) 34
JC for ML
Red Kentucky 14
Blue Kentucky 31
North Tejas @ Alabama (NL), 12:20
JC for ML
I won both these states during my glorious ascendance to the presidency in 1976. However, their overall racist attitudes blinded them to the wisdom of my policies, which led them to vote for that fascist moron Reagan. Alabama is known as the Crimson Tide, which makes me think of the tragic government response to Hurricane Katrina. This country’s failure to eliminate all use of fossil fuels caused Katrina and will lead to 30 Category 15 hurricanes within the next 4 years. North Texas is known as the Mean Green. This makes me think of the immorality of capitalism and the greediness of everyone involved with college football.
Kapitalism bad Komrade 0
Crimson tide of blood and tears 44
EGM
Mean Green 9
Bamer 31
CB
Team from Necessary Roughness? 6
It doesn’t Matter 50
Tennessee @ Florida (-28.5), 3:30
EGM
I can feel it in the air. Its Tennessee week. The grass is greener. The wind a little cooler. Light orange is just a little more annoying than it already is. All the talk about this game relates to Baby Face Kiffin’s stupid remarks over the off season. ESPN tells me every hour on the hour that Gator fans might be a little t’d off about the situation. Perhaps they will float this into a Coors Light Rocky Mountain Quiz Question – “If given a choice would you draw and quarter Lane Kiffin?” Maybe Kornheiser could come on and say something like: “I don’t understand why these idiots like college football, haven’t they heard in the South about the NFL?” Sorry, my ESPN hate got wrapped in Tennessee hate. As for the game, the Gators had some trouble moving the ball against UT in Knoxvegas last year. They went pretty run heavy after they got the score where they wanted it and realized that Crapton was exactly that. This year, I imagine the Gators will have a fairly difficult time moving the ball early against an even better Vol defense. Fortunately, much like Va Tech v. Bama, UT’s inability to avoid excessive three and outs will kill them. Tebow shall enjoy feasting on the tired Vol defense and perhaps enjoy feasting on Kiffin’s sautéed brain after the game. I wonder if Nu’Keese Richardson will pull a Fred Rouse after the game and tell Meyer he should have came to UF. I enjoy the name Nu’Keese a great deal.
Crapton picks 6
Gators 35
CB
Kiffin’s Folly 24
Revenge, a Dish Best Served Over and Over Again 54
JC for ML
Volunteers for a racist cause 9
Mean reptiles 44
Louisiana-Lafayette @ LSU (-26), 7:00
EGM
A good ol’ Bayou slugfest. Well, not really. LSU will do most of the scoring and most of the defending. Charles Scott is a stud and should run wild in this game. Perhaps that will negate the awfulness that is Jordan Jefferson.
Rajun Cajuns 10
Just Cajuns 31
CB
Lou-LA 13
LSooo 45
JC for ML
I love the French 3
Coonasses 34
Florida Atlantic @ South Carolina (-21), 7
JC for ML
Steve Spurrier is South Carolina’s coach and has been rumored to be linked with Augusta National, that evil den of sexism in my state of birth. However, he agrees with Barack Obama about the need for a playoff in college football. While I do not believe in competition, I admire Mr. Spurrier’s ability to avoid racism and agree with our embattled President. I am definitely conflicted. FAU is the underdog, so normally I’d favor them, but Spurrier’s young quarterback reminds me of my brother Billy.
Owls 10
Ohhh billyyy 35
EGM
Owls 13
Cocks 33
CB
FAU 14
USCe 34
Mississippi State at Vanderbilt (-9), 7
EGM
Sure, Vandy played tough against LSU last week but -9. Really? That seems a lot of points for the Commodes to cover even if Joe Montana was playing QB for them. Miss State has defensive issues but Vandy should be the cure to those woes. The Dawgs even scored a few points against a normally stingy Plainsmen defense. The biggest problem for the Miss State players will be avoiding the solid bar scene in Nashville. However, this is a constant road problem for the Dawgs given the prohibitionist approach in Starkville. After typing those thoughts, I suddenly like the Dores chances.
Drunk Dawgs 13
Vandy 24
CB
MSU 21
Vandy 25
JC for ML
Hicks, even by Georgia standards 9
Robber Barons 26
SE Louisiana at Ole Miss (NL), 7:30
CB
And now we will see what damage, if any, the “flu-like symptoms” has caused to the Rebels locker-room. 20-plus players were ill last week, good time for a bye-week, this week is a good time to play a division I-AA school, and I’m not talking smack b/c the Gators first two games were total gimmes. The Rebs got off to a slow start against Memphis two weeks ago, but slow start or not, this game is gonna be in the bag before the chandeliers are set up in the Grove. With the SEC schedule on the horizon, excitement is building for Ole Miss’ run at their first ever SEC West title, one could say the fans have a “fever” for big season…too soon?
SE-LA Paycheck 13
I’m so cold, I mean hot, I mean cold 56
EGM
Lions 6
Rebs 45
JC for ML
Ragin’Need for Public Option 2
Nutts! 44
Georgia at Arkansas (Pk), 7:45
CB
Huge game for both teams. Not that its necessarily make or break at this point, but let’s just run down both teams situations. First off, Georgia: they already have one loss under their belt and another one will most certainly knock them out of the NC hunt (if any still believes they are in it, haha), but another SEC WIN will get them off to a strong start and a big road SEC West win! Arkansas is another one of those clever teams that scheduled an off week the second week of the season. So basically them whooping up on Mizzou St in week one means jack squat. Apparently the Razorbacks like to throw the ball around this year which is something apparently isn’t going to be hard to do against the Bulldogs, but considering the ‘Backs have lost 8 of their last 10 at home against ranked SEC opponents, not knowing that feeling could hurt them. I guess what it will come down to is whether or not Joe Cox can get over whatever injury/illness they are shoveling at us this week and “sack” up. I’m not convinced he can…
Ugh, My Shoulder 25
‘Back in the Mix? 27
EGM
Dawgs 21
Hawgs 23
JC for ML
My State 21
Slick Willy’s 17
West Virginia at Auburn (-7), 7:45
CB
Auburn has actually looked decent this year. They handled La Tech and then beat first year Miss. St. coach Dan Mullen and the West Dogs last week. I’m not saying that I’m locking in the Tigers for the big DUB here, I’m just saying. I’m gonna do a Joe Maddon special and just look at the numbers cause I haven’t seen either team play so far. With the exception of last year in recent memory, “Jerdin”-Hare Stadium has been a very intimidating spot to play especially at night. And considering that The Mountaineers have played pretty much no one so far, I think this would be a great chance for 1st year Tiger coach Gene Chizik to show off his skillz. Speaking of old Geno, I’m still not convinced that a guy that went 5-19 at Iowa State was the right call for this team, but maybe he just needed the right talent. Who knows? The Tiger offense appears to be wide-open right now, which is the way the winds are blowing these days, so I don’t think WVa’s defense is gonna be able to hang in this game too long.
Country Road 17
One Road 35
EGM
Mountaineers 22
Plainsmen 29
JC for ML
Coal Miners 20
Plainsmen 26
Tejas Tech @ Tejas (-17.5), 5
JC for ML
Someday I dream of a Texas without a “Texas” and a “Texas Tech.” A country without states. I despise federalism. A world without countries. A solar system without planets. A football game without offense and defense. A game where no one loses and everyone wins. But alas, I must try to analyze this “Game of the Week.” The Longhorns will have revenge on their mind, and the Red Raiders have a lot to replace. Young Michael Crabtree, should be allowed to play. Unfortunately he is being held hostage by the pigs in the NFL. Unlike the Iranians, these guys have no justification for their actions.
Tech 20
Horns 41
EGM
Red Raiders 24
Longhorns 35
CB
Mex Tech 20
Keep Austin Weird (aka. Liberal) 45
Friday, September 11, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week II
Malt Licker
One week in the books, this week’s slate of games is much better. We even have a pair of SEC matchups. Can Kiffin add to the excitement in Vol-town with a victory of Neuheisel? Will Spur-dog send UGA into an early hole? Can the Buckeyes trip up the Trojans and their rookie QB? The summer build-up seemed interminable, now that Football is here, time will fly. Savor the moments folks, for they are fleeting, especially those with a player named Tebow.
El Gran Mono
I suppose last week was a little wilder than most expected…at least for the games outside the SEC. While it is certainly cowardly to play I-AA squads, at least you don’t lose in the opening week (unless you are in the ACC). Further, if you schedule a service academy on opening week, then you might want to prepare for the option.
The Dawgs certainly laid an egg in Stillwater but that’s all that prevented the SEC from being prima facie dominant. League games start up this week and we will now see where the rubber meets the road. Is South Carolina for real? Does Auburn really have an offense? I can’t wait to find out.
Cuzzin Bailey
As I’m sitting here watching this junk that’s called ACC football, it reminds me how often I get on my friends of other conferences about how shitty they are and how great the SEC is…Well yes my Conference won all but one game last week, that was huge, but that one game is what is bothering me. How can I look at my friends from Big 12 country and give them that arrogant smirk I’m known for, knowing full well that UGA got their asses handed to them last week? Oh yea, WE (UF) beat Oklahoma in the BCS National Championship game last year, holding the Sooners to 14 points (over 40 points less than they averaged all year), and won our 2nd Title in 3 years, that’s how. Btw, for the record, I was concerned that my off season analysis of Georgia was mistaken and that I was going to be eating crow this week. Well, I was right, and I’m not eating crow, Go Gators.
Troy at UF (-36), 12:21
CB
Now we are getting into the games where the spreads are huge, but not enough to be “No Liners.” The Gators looked pretty decent last week in that they disposed of the high school...er... FCS school with relative ease in the second quarter. Now its time for the “big boys,” The Men of TROY!! The spread aside, I know for a fact the Gators are going to rip these Trojans like a High School nightmare. Its not gonna be close, we all know that. The real question lies in whether or not UF is 36 points better. Paper says yes, nerves say that’s a lot of points, heart says DO IT! Troy lost a very unimpressive game at Bowling Green last week with their marginal running game. They may rack up a few passing yards late in this one as they’ll be playing catch up from the time they get off the bus, but don’t expect to see too much from Troy, and very little variety from our defense, that’s fucking coming next week baby!!!
Oops, it ripped! 10
Its okay baby! 55
ML
Hey…We’re Division 1! 6
Hey…We’re Number 1! 55
EGM
Trojans from Troy 6
Gators from Gainesville 56
UCLA at Tennessee (-9), 4:00
EGM
I’m a little hesitant to say “the Vols are back” just because the hammered the Hilltoppers. There really isn’t much of a distinction between the lower tier I-A and I-AA teams and WKY might honestly be among the lower tier I-AA teams. That said, I’m sure Jon Straight out of Crompton is suddenly incredible. His decision making is flawless and Montario Hardesty is the next Travis Henry (complete with cocaine and steroid problems). However, I doubt those things are entirely true. While Kiffin is surely a fulltime douche, he isn’t a bad offensive coach and I’m sure his presence has rubbed off on Crompton (hopefully, in a mental sense only).
The reason I discuss Crompton so much is because he was positively shit against UCLA last year. The defense could only weather so many three and outs and they finally ended up breaking.
UCLA still looks pretty god awful despite the addition of some talented freshman. Neuhesial isn’t a terrible coach but I don’t see him elevating the talent level of his team. I’m betting the Bruins wilt in Knoxvegas much like their Berkeley brethren a few years ago.
Bad Bruins 13
Better Vols 27
ML
Upset UCLA 20
Lane’s Reality Check 17
CB
Soon to be on Probation 23
Soon to be Decimated 30
FIU at Alabama (-34), 7:00
ML
FIU/BAMA, I don’t know that I can imagine a greater contrast in student bodies. FIU, where 85% of the student body cannot speak English, versus Alabama, where 85% of the student body cannot read English. It’s Guayabera shirts and frosted tips vs. Houndstooth skirts and Bama bangs. I would wager that less than 100 FIU fans make the trek to Tuscaloosa, and that includes the actual team. Anyway, FIU will not face a defense like this until they play UF in November. Both Bama and UF play Troy and FIU. The Panthers actually return a bunch of starters and could make a push for a bowl this year, which the Motor City Bowl must be real excited about.
Team Immigrant 3
Team Saban 34
EGM
Panteros 3
Yellow Hammer 38
CB
We Love Riots! 10
Droppin’ the HAMMER 45
Mississippi State at Auburn (-14), 7:00
EGM
This game was pretty terrible last year and I’m predicting that nothing will change. Both teams are well below average offensively and their defenses are decent. Perhaps a battle of field goals again? Maybe not, considering Auburn has bagged the Kodi Burns experiment and gone with mildly shitty Chris Todd who doubles as an Obama worshiper on Pravda TV (i.e., MSNBC).
Its really hard to tell if Miss State is any better given they have the same offensive players and they opened up with a complete walkover. Despite the National Titles at UF, I was always a Mullen critic, given his penchant for predictableness. I will literally never forgive him for the Tim Tebow QB drawfest that was the Auburn game two years ago. Without Tebow, I can’t imagine him becoming more imaginative. Miss State might not score in the hostile confines of Jerdin Hare.
Bulldogs 2
Plainsmen 17
ML
Mississippi’s Dregs 10
Alabama’s Dregs 20
CB
The Spread-Option Only Works with Good Players 20
This Ain’t the MAC 24
South Carolina at Georgia (-7), 7:00
CB
Uggghhh-ah, this may be a rather boring game. Where am I getting this from? History man, history. Okay maybe if you are thinking tight games this may not be “boring” per se, but if you are looking for hot offensive games with lots of excitement, you may want to see if there’s a rerun of Friends you missed, (maybe the one where Ross has a chance with a hot girl and blows it!). However, if you are into junk offense, decent defense, and a lot of whining on both sides, then by all means DVR this one. Personally I would kill to see the thugtastics from USC dive into the famed “Hedges,” trashing that tradition…I have no respect they say…
We Don’t Need No Stinking Hedges 9
Joe Cox had the flu ALRIGHT!! GOSH! 17
ML
Cocks can score 10
Cox will score more….barely 14
EGM
Cocks 13
Dawgs 21
Vandy at LSU (-14.5), 7:00
ML
The Dores are coming off their first bowl victory since the Eisenhower administration and return 17 starters. They roll into Baton Rouge after shutting out the Catamounts. This roll could end quickly, as the Tigers are no doubt angry after a sloppy performance in the shadow of Mt. Rainier. Charles Scott and Brandon LaFell will need to get loose for the coonasses to cover. I’m not sold that this will happen, so I am taking the points.
EGM
Commodes 13
Tigers 31
CB
Vandie 13
LSeaux 27
Game of the Week
USC at Ohio State (+6.5)
ML
The Trojans are starting a freshman quarterback, but are still favorites on the road at the Horseshoe. I look for them to use their stable of running backs and the best O-line in the country to protect their young passer. The Buckeyes eked out a W against Navy in a game that should not have been as close. Pryor convinced Sweatervest to go for it on 4th down instead of kicking a game clinching field goal with minutes left. You know what that means? Sweatervest will go in full-fledge conservative Big 10 mode, which will play right into the hands of SC and their inexperienced defense.
Trojans 24
Buckeyes 13
EGM
Trojans from LA 27
Buckeyes 3
CB
UCSw 35
OSU 20
Kentucky – OFF
ML
Gearing up for a game against Louisville, both these football coaches must love the fact that, short of committing homicide, they’ll have a better image than their school’s basketball coach.
Ole Miss – OFF
CB
The Rebs got off to a slow start last weekend, that is, before thrashing Memphis State. I love how Memphis State changed its name to Memphis to sound less thugariffic, whatever will FSU do? Okay I have no idea if that’s why the Change was made, but I Hope! Back to Ole Miss, a dozen players came down with flu like symptoms including everyone’s favorite backup at Texas, JEVAN SNEAD! (Yes I know he beat us last year, have I thanked yall yet?) Anyways, as strange as it seems, this is a good time for a bye. Normally when you need that extra week for a team to “get healthy” you’re talking sprains, strains and automobiles…now we’re talking possible serious illnesses…what is this Mexico? Maybe if the government was in charge…ba dum CHING! I’ll be here all season, tip your waitresses.
Arkansas – OFF
EGM
Scene – (Bobby Petrino sitting at his desk with a constipated, Jonathan Papelbon look on his face. He simultaneously considers how to utilize Ryan Mallet with shitty receivers and how he can take over the Auburn job next year)
One week in the books, this week’s slate of games is much better. We even have a pair of SEC matchups. Can Kiffin add to the excitement in Vol-town with a victory of Neuheisel? Will Spur-dog send UGA into an early hole? Can the Buckeyes trip up the Trojans and their rookie QB? The summer build-up seemed interminable, now that Football is here, time will fly. Savor the moments folks, for they are fleeting, especially those with a player named Tebow.
El Gran Mono
I suppose last week was a little wilder than most expected…at least for the games outside the SEC. While it is certainly cowardly to play I-AA squads, at least you don’t lose in the opening week (unless you are in the ACC). Further, if you schedule a service academy on opening week, then you might want to prepare for the option.
The Dawgs certainly laid an egg in Stillwater but that’s all that prevented the SEC from being prima facie dominant. League games start up this week and we will now see where the rubber meets the road. Is South Carolina for real? Does Auburn really have an offense? I can’t wait to find out.
Cuzzin Bailey
As I’m sitting here watching this junk that’s called ACC football, it reminds me how often I get on my friends of other conferences about how shitty they are and how great the SEC is…Well yes my Conference won all but one game last week, that was huge, but that one game is what is bothering me. How can I look at my friends from Big 12 country and give them that arrogant smirk I’m known for, knowing full well that UGA got their asses handed to them last week? Oh yea, WE (UF) beat Oklahoma in the BCS National Championship game last year, holding the Sooners to 14 points (over 40 points less than they averaged all year), and won our 2nd Title in 3 years, that’s how. Btw, for the record, I was concerned that my off season analysis of Georgia was mistaken and that I was going to be eating crow this week. Well, I was right, and I’m not eating crow, Go Gators.
Troy at UF (-36), 12:21
CB
Now we are getting into the games where the spreads are huge, but not enough to be “No Liners.” The Gators looked pretty decent last week in that they disposed of the high school...er... FCS school with relative ease in the second quarter. Now its time for the “big boys,” The Men of TROY!! The spread aside, I know for a fact the Gators are going to rip these Trojans like a High School nightmare. Its not gonna be close, we all know that. The real question lies in whether or not UF is 36 points better. Paper says yes, nerves say that’s a lot of points, heart says DO IT! Troy lost a very unimpressive game at Bowling Green last week with their marginal running game. They may rack up a few passing yards late in this one as they’ll be playing catch up from the time they get off the bus, but don’t expect to see too much from Troy, and very little variety from our defense, that’s fucking coming next week baby!!!
Oops, it ripped! 10
Its okay baby! 55
ML
Hey…We’re Division 1! 6
Hey…We’re Number 1! 55
EGM
Trojans from Troy 6
Gators from Gainesville 56
UCLA at Tennessee (-9), 4:00
EGM
I’m a little hesitant to say “the Vols are back” just because the hammered the Hilltoppers. There really isn’t much of a distinction between the lower tier I-A and I-AA teams and WKY might honestly be among the lower tier I-AA teams. That said, I’m sure Jon Straight out of Crompton is suddenly incredible. His decision making is flawless and Montario Hardesty is the next Travis Henry (complete with cocaine and steroid problems). However, I doubt those things are entirely true. While Kiffin is surely a fulltime douche, he isn’t a bad offensive coach and I’m sure his presence has rubbed off on Crompton (hopefully, in a mental sense only).
The reason I discuss Crompton so much is because he was positively shit against UCLA last year. The defense could only weather so many three and outs and they finally ended up breaking.
UCLA still looks pretty god awful despite the addition of some talented freshman. Neuhesial isn’t a terrible coach but I don’t see him elevating the talent level of his team. I’m betting the Bruins wilt in Knoxvegas much like their Berkeley brethren a few years ago.
Bad Bruins 13
Better Vols 27
ML
Upset UCLA 20
Lane’s Reality Check 17
CB
Soon to be on Probation 23
Soon to be Decimated 30
FIU at Alabama (-34), 7:00
ML
FIU/BAMA, I don’t know that I can imagine a greater contrast in student bodies. FIU, where 85% of the student body cannot speak English, versus Alabama, where 85% of the student body cannot read English. It’s Guayabera shirts and frosted tips vs. Houndstooth skirts and Bama bangs. I would wager that less than 100 FIU fans make the trek to Tuscaloosa, and that includes the actual team. Anyway, FIU will not face a defense like this until they play UF in November. Both Bama and UF play Troy and FIU. The Panthers actually return a bunch of starters and could make a push for a bowl this year, which the Motor City Bowl must be real excited about.
Team Immigrant 3
Team Saban 34
EGM
Panteros 3
Yellow Hammer 38
CB
We Love Riots! 10
Droppin’ the HAMMER 45
Mississippi State at Auburn (-14), 7:00
EGM
This game was pretty terrible last year and I’m predicting that nothing will change. Both teams are well below average offensively and their defenses are decent. Perhaps a battle of field goals again? Maybe not, considering Auburn has bagged the Kodi Burns experiment and gone with mildly shitty Chris Todd who doubles as an Obama worshiper on Pravda TV (i.e., MSNBC).
Its really hard to tell if Miss State is any better given they have the same offensive players and they opened up with a complete walkover. Despite the National Titles at UF, I was always a Mullen critic, given his penchant for predictableness. I will literally never forgive him for the Tim Tebow QB drawfest that was the Auburn game two years ago. Without Tebow, I can’t imagine him becoming more imaginative. Miss State might not score in the hostile confines of Jerdin Hare.
Bulldogs 2
Plainsmen 17
ML
Mississippi’s Dregs 10
Alabama’s Dregs 20
CB
The Spread-Option Only Works with Good Players 20
This Ain’t the MAC 24
South Carolina at Georgia (-7), 7:00
CB
Uggghhh-ah, this may be a rather boring game. Where am I getting this from? History man, history. Okay maybe if you are thinking tight games this may not be “boring” per se, but if you are looking for hot offensive games with lots of excitement, you may want to see if there’s a rerun of Friends you missed, (maybe the one where Ross has a chance with a hot girl and blows it!). However, if you are into junk offense, decent defense, and a lot of whining on both sides, then by all means DVR this one. Personally I would kill to see the thugtastics from USC dive into the famed “Hedges,” trashing that tradition…I have no respect they say…
We Don’t Need No Stinking Hedges 9
Joe Cox had the flu ALRIGHT!! GOSH! 17
ML
Cocks can score 10
Cox will score more….barely 14
EGM
Cocks 13
Dawgs 21
Vandy at LSU (-14.5), 7:00
ML
The Dores are coming off their first bowl victory since the Eisenhower administration and return 17 starters. They roll into Baton Rouge after shutting out the Catamounts. This roll could end quickly, as the Tigers are no doubt angry after a sloppy performance in the shadow of Mt. Rainier. Charles Scott and Brandon LaFell will need to get loose for the coonasses to cover. I’m not sold that this will happen, so I am taking the points.
EGM
Commodes 13
Tigers 31
CB
Vandie 13
LSeaux 27
Game of the Week
USC at Ohio State (+6.5)
ML
The Trojans are starting a freshman quarterback, but are still favorites on the road at the Horseshoe. I look for them to use their stable of running backs and the best O-line in the country to protect their young passer. The Buckeyes eked out a W against Navy in a game that should not have been as close. Pryor convinced Sweatervest to go for it on 4th down instead of kicking a game clinching field goal with minutes left. You know what that means? Sweatervest will go in full-fledge conservative Big 10 mode, which will play right into the hands of SC and their inexperienced defense.
Trojans 24
Buckeyes 13
EGM
Trojans from LA 27
Buckeyes 3
CB
UCSw 35
OSU 20
Kentucky – OFF
ML
Gearing up for a game against Louisville, both these football coaches must love the fact that, short of committing homicide, they’ll have a better image than their school’s basketball coach.
Ole Miss – OFF
CB
The Rebs got off to a slow start last weekend, that is, before thrashing Memphis State. I love how Memphis State changed its name to Memphis to sound less thugariffic, whatever will FSU do? Okay I have no idea if that’s why the Change was made, but I Hope! Back to Ole Miss, a dozen players came down with flu like symptoms including everyone’s favorite backup at Texas, JEVAN SNEAD! (Yes I know he beat us last year, have I thanked yall yet?) Anyways, as strange as it seems, this is a good time for a bye. Normally when you need that extra week for a team to “get healthy” you’re talking sprains, strains and automobiles…now we’re talking possible serious illnesses…what is this Mexico? Maybe if the government was in charge…ba dum CHING! I’ll be here all season, tip your waitresses.
Arkansas – OFF
EGM
Scene – (Bobby Petrino sitting at his desk with a constipated, Jonathan Papelbon look on his face. He simultaneously considers how to utilize Ryan Mallet with shitty receivers and how he can take over the Auburn job next year)
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week I
Cuzzin’ Bailey
So, I owned the Picks last year and I was rewarded with having the first selection to open the 2009 season! Not exactly a huge prize, but let’s just say it was like getting a moral victory along with an actual victory, whatever the fuck that means. But in all seriousness, after last year, I have nothing to complain about. The Gators won the SEC and National Titles and are totally prepared to repeat, looking for 3 in 4 years. I’m looking to repeat as the Bourbon Boy champ, and the Rays are looking to repeat as the AL Champs! Alright maybe that’s a lot to hope for, but my track record has been pretty good lately, so I hold high hopes. Anyways, I’m expecting a good clean season of picks, and some serious ass-kickings of UT, UGA, LSU…hell, all of ‘em. Let’s do it!
Malt Licker
I’d like to thank the Imperial Federal Government for moving the deadline for filing tax returns after an extension up a month to the middle of September. While work has been a living hell the last two weeks, at least there aren’t any good games until 9/19. What a list of excrement, if I weren’t starved for football, I’d watch maybe 2 of these games…
El Gran Mono
The offseason sure did fly by this year. Working non-stop to pay for socialist ideas leaves little time to contemplate the awesomeness that was college football last year. Of course, everything is more enjoyable for yours truly because the Gators were victorious. I leave it to ultra homer Cuzzin Bailey to detail the ins and outs of what a privilege it is to be a Gator fan and I’ll get down to the business of serious SEC football analysis. Sit down and buckle up because I guarantee that this season won’t be as simple as the pundits claim.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
South Carolina at NC State (-5), 7
ML
Doesn’t it seem like Spur-dog’s Cocks have opened up the college football season on Thursday night every year? I guess he figures Stephen Garcia is less likely to get tanked on Wednesday night so he won’t be hungover. I’m sure he’ll be missing 5-points as he dodges Willie Young and Nate Irving. These teams ended ’08 differently; the Pack won their last 4 and the Cock’s limped their way to 3 straight blowout losses. If SC does not come through with an upset, I will no longer pick the Ol’ Ball Coach in an upset.
Cluckers 20
Howlers 17
CB
USC 22
NCST 21
EGM
Cocks 22
Pack 21
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Kentucky at Miami (OH) (+15), 12:00
ML
The Cats vs. the Redskins….it just doesn’t get any better than this! Miami gave up 30+ points per game last year and have lost their top 4 tacklers. Rich Brooks thinks last year was bullshit, too many injuries and not enough Ws. He’ll need to accrue as many wins as he can before Conference play begins. Maybe Calipari will give him some lesson$ on “recruiting” $tud athlete$
Wildpussys 38
Midwestern meeeaaahhhhmeee ese 10
CB
UK 40
Miami (OH) 15
EGM
Soon to be basketball cheaters 31
Redskins 10
Western Kentucky at Tennessee (-30), 12:21
ML
Oooooooh Kiffy-kins!!!! Normally I’d hope for a Hilltopper to collide with your fat head on the sideline, rendering you a quadriplegic, but I’d rather the Gators break your soul on the 19th. WKU is in their second year since joining I-A, they finished 2-10 last year but have an awesome mascot. The Vols still have Jonathan “Straight Outta Crompton.” I think an AIDS-ridden Eazy E would be a more effective passer.
Red Grimace 9
Orange Douche 33
CB
Western KY 17
UT 40
EGM
Hilltoppers 3
Vols 38
Georgia at Oklahoma State (-5.5), 3:30
CB
As much as this hurts to say, I respect UGA for scheduling this opponent, the only problem is, they will be leaving Stillwater with a loss, basically killing what was going to be a marginal season anyways. I’m not saying that UGA’s defense won’t keep them in the game, but the Dawgs have nothing to speak of on offense; I would definitely not want to be in their situation after losing a coupla first rounders in Stafford and Moreno. You know come to think of it, Georgia’s defense wasn’t all that great last year. They got blown out twice, and Ga Tech (with their 1st grader offense) dropped 40+ and won. This could actually get ugly if Okie State’s upperclassmen offense is firing. Regardless, I’m sure we’re all gonna hear about how tough UGAs schedule is the rest of the fucking year, I feel sorry for us (the SEC community). I mean they can go 6-6 this year, but always rest on their poor-me-schedule laurels.
Go To Hell Georgia! 20
Cowboys 29
ML
Silver Breeches 20
Cowboys??? We’re COW MEN, We’re 40 YEARS OLD!!! 23
EGM
UGA 24
Cowboys 17
Jackson St at Mississippi State (NL), 3:30
ML
Jackson State (Hee hee!) is not even listed in Phil Steele’s football bible. Perhaps that is why Vegas can’t conger up a line versus lowly Mississippi State. Sly was bounced from Starkville so the SEC is once again racist. Did you know MSU has an all-time winning record in bowl games? Me either. They are 7-6, Dan Mullen will have to work some serious magic for that record to have any chance of changing.
Propofol-treated Tigers 2
White Bulldogs 34
CB
Jackson Stizzle 19
Mess State 31
EGM
Walter Payton U 3
Miss State 22
Charleston Southern at UF (NL), 7
CB
I’ll get to the schedule in a minute, let me first just say that its an honor to be the first Bourbon Boy to comment on the Gators this year. There are some insanely high hopes in the “Gator Nation” with good cause. I guess we’re missing 2 playmakers, but we retained, lets see, the 2007 Heisman Trophy and all around stud Tim Tebow, and OUR ENTIRE DEFENSE. With a crazy defense like that, games could be in the bag by half time. And I’m not just talking about this one. But speaking of this game, its clearly a joke, but what do you want from us? We’re the only team in the league whose main rival is a team that is perennially GOOD. Georgia HAS to load up their schedule, because their two decent rivals are in the Conference and Georgia Tech is generally not great. Also, another reason is, screw off! Go Gators!
Charleston Southern 0
UF 69
ML
We sent hot chicks to Key West Spring Break 99! 0
None of the Bourbon Boys banged them 59
EGM
Not College of Charleston 0
Repeat Nat’l Champs 63
Louisiana Tech at Auburn (-13), 7
EGM
The Plainsmen had a pretty rough year in '08. Losing TT and keeping Kodi Burns won't make '09 any better. I used to think Brandon Cox sucked but then I saw what was behind him. Is it possible to be that bad at the QB position and still maintain I-A status?
The Chizik hire won't turn things around. In fact, this looks exactly like the “fire Cutcliffe, hire Orgeron move.” Does that mean Auburn will be hiring Bobby Petrino in 3 years?
The Plainsmen are surrounded by questions and have very few answers. However, I'm sure they'll have the answer for the Lady Techsters, but not by 13.
La Tech 10
Tigers 21
CB
LA Tech 20
Auburn 34
ML
Louisiana WAC 14
Plainsmen 23
Missouri State at Arkansas (NL), 7
EGM
I fully expect Bobby Petrino to show off his offensive prowess in this game. The Hawgs replace tenth year starter Casey Dick with Ryan Mallet. To rate that upgrade is to do injustice to the term "infinitely better." The Mallet/Michael Smith combination in the backfield will prove one of the nation's best by season's end.
I refuse to analyze Mizzou State.
No Name 6
Hawgs 52
CB
Mizzou St 4
Arkansas 54
ML
Bears 10
Petrino’s Porkers 41
Western Carolina at Vanderbilt (NL), 7
CB
The fact that this game has no line, says things about both teams. 1) Vandy is on its way “up,” I suppose; and 2) Western Carolina must suck worse than most directional schools. Its great that as improved and “good” as Vandy was last year, but they’re still a very average team. I think Vandy will be treating this as an audition for their new starting QB and get some quality playing time as they easily dispose of the Catamounts and turn their attention to LSU next week.
Weastern Carolina 17
Vandahbelt 40
ML
Check out the Catamount Prof on http://www.wcu.edu/ 6
Robber Barons 41
EGM
Catamounts 6
Vanderbilt 28
Alabama at Virginia Tech (+6.5), 8
EGM
One of the two "Games of the Week" in the SEC. I'll likely be watching this game in tandem with the Gator beatdown of Charleston Nalthern. Sadly, I don't expect either game to be much of contest.
Va Tech has no ability to pass and will attempt to run the ball down Bama's throat. Bama's stud front 7 will not allow that to happen. The loss of Rashad Johnson will definitely show itself against teams with a modicum of passing ability but Tyrod Taylor is not much of a thrower and will certainly fail to exploit this weakness.
I expect Bama's young offensive line to be shaky for awhile against Va Tech's defensive line but eventually their defense will wear down after the three and outs keep piling up. Mark Ingram will easily run through a weakened defense and provide playaction opportunities for Julio Jones and krew. To say the least, things will get ugly in the second half. Think along the lines of LSU-Va Tech a few years ago....
Castrated Turkeys 6
Bamer 31
CB
Yellow Hammer 25
Alumni Uses Hammers on Dogs 16
ML
Saban’s Smirk 21
Beamer’s Bells 17
LSU at Washington (+17.5), 10:30
CB
Another SEC team traveling out West to prove they aren’t a total group of pussies. Too bad the Tigers picked one of the worst “good” teams out there. By that I mean I understand this is not like they are traveling to Moscow, Idaho to humiliate the home team Vandals, they are going to a historically alright PAC-10 team. But still the Huskies are incredibly terrible. But then again, theoretically, how was LSU supposed to know that Washington was going to be this bad when they signed on for this series? Anyways, that’s enough excuses, in regards to the actual game at hand, LSU was kind of a mirage last year. They were coming off a National Championship season, and up until UF decimated them, they were a “favorite” or at least a contender for the title game. Even after struggling against Miss St and beating a below average Auburn team…come to think of it, they were maintaining their high ranking last year simply because of the preseason polls, in fact, they lost 5 of their last 9. They sucked. Sure they’ll be better this year, with some starts under their QBs’ belts, and an always threatening defense. Washington lost every game last year. They do not deserve my comments.
Geaux Eff Yourself 35
Wash of the Stench 15
ML
LeSU 30
Call Tyrone 10
EGM
Reauxd Tigers 45
Suicidal in Seattle 10
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Ole Miss at Memphis (+16.5), 3:30
EGM
Its been a long time since there were expectations at Ole Miss. Certainly it was before I was football conscious and that was a long time ago.
Jevan Snead will be one of the better QBs in the country but he may struggle with the loss of a few offensive pieces from last year. With Nutt at the helm, I'm sure the "Wild Rebel" will still be in full effect with Largo High’s finest, Dexter McCluster, taking most of the snaps in those situations. It will be interesting to see how Nutt strikes a balance between the Wild Rebel and the Snead pro style formations.
On defense, the Rebs will be fairly average by SEC standards and will give up some points to better offenses. That will likely be their demise against the likes of Bama, Arkansas and other good SEC offenses. I'm not drinking the Kool Aid. Ole Miss looks like a two loss team at best.
One of those losses will not be to lowly Memphis.
Basketball cheaters 13
Overrated Rebs 38
CB
No Longer Content with Just Winning Tailgate Parties 50
Memphrica 20
ML
Nutters 34
Memphrica State 19
So, I owned the Picks last year and I was rewarded with having the first selection to open the 2009 season! Not exactly a huge prize, but let’s just say it was like getting a moral victory along with an actual victory, whatever the fuck that means. But in all seriousness, after last year, I have nothing to complain about. The Gators won the SEC and National Titles and are totally prepared to repeat, looking for 3 in 4 years. I’m looking to repeat as the Bourbon Boy champ, and the Rays are looking to repeat as the AL Champs! Alright maybe that’s a lot to hope for, but my track record has been pretty good lately, so I hold high hopes. Anyways, I’m expecting a good clean season of picks, and some serious ass-kickings of UT, UGA, LSU…hell, all of ‘em. Let’s do it!
Malt Licker
I’d like to thank the Imperial Federal Government for moving the deadline for filing tax returns after an extension up a month to the middle of September. While work has been a living hell the last two weeks, at least there aren’t any good games until 9/19. What a list of excrement, if I weren’t starved for football, I’d watch maybe 2 of these games…
El Gran Mono
The offseason sure did fly by this year. Working non-stop to pay for socialist ideas leaves little time to contemplate the awesomeness that was college football last year. Of course, everything is more enjoyable for yours truly because the Gators were victorious. I leave it to ultra homer Cuzzin Bailey to detail the ins and outs of what a privilege it is to be a Gator fan and I’ll get down to the business of serious SEC football analysis. Sit down and buckle up because I guarantee that this season won’t be as simple as the pundits claim.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
South Carolina at NC State (-5), 7
ML
Doesn’t it seem like Spur-dog’s Cocks have opened up the college football season on Thursday night every year? I guess he figures Stephen Garcia is less likely to get tanked on Wednesday night so he won’t be hungover. I’m sure he’ll be missing 5-points as he dodges Willie Young and Nate Irving. These teams ended ’08 differently; the Pack won their last 4 and the Cock’s limped their way to 3 straight blowout losses. If SC does not come through with an upset, I will no longer pick the Ol’ Ball Coach in an upset.
Cluckers 20
Howlers 17
CB
USC 22
NCST 21
EGM
Cocks 22
Pack 21
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Kentucky at Miami (OH) (+15), 12:00
ML
The Cats vs. the Redskins….it just doesn’t get any better than this! Miami gave up 30+ points per game last year and have lost their top 4 tacklers. Rich Brooks thinks last year was bullshit, too many injuries and not enough Ws. He’ll need to accrue as many wins as he can before Conference play begins. Maybe Calipari will give him some lesson$ on “recruiting” $tud athlete$
Wildpussys 38
Midwestern meeeaaahhhhmeee ese 10
CB
UK 40
Miami (OH) 15
EGM
Soon to be basketball cheaters 31
Redskins 10
Western Kentucky at Tennessee (-30), 12:21
ML
Oooooooh Kiffy-kins!!!! Normally I’d hope for a Hilltopper to collide with your fat head on the sideline, rendering you a quadriplegic, but I’d rather the Gators break your soul on the 19th. WKU is in their second year since joining I-A, they finished 2-10 last year but have an awesome mascot. The Vols still have Jonathan “Straight Outta Crompton.” I think an AIDS-ridden Eazy E would be a more effective passer.
Red Grimace 9
Orange Douche 33
CB
Western KY 17
UT 40
EGM
Hilltoppers 3
Vols 38
Georgia at Oklahoma State (-5.5), 3:30
CB
As much as this hurts to say, I respect UGA for scheduling this opponent, the only problem is, they will be leaving Stillwater with a loss, basically killing what was going to be a marginal season anyways. I’m not saying that UGA’s defense won’t keep them in the game, but the Dawgs have nothing to speak of on offense; I would definitely not want to be in their situation after losing a coupla first rounders in Stafford and Moreno. You know come to think of it, Georgia’s defense wasn’t all that great last year. They got blown out twice, and Ga Tech (with their 1st grader offense) dropped 40+ and won. This could actually get ugly if Okie State’s upperclassmen offense is firing. Regardless, I’m sure we’re all gonna hear about how tough UGAs schedule is the rest of the fucking year, I feel sorry for us (the SEC community). I mean they can go 6-6 this year, but always rest on their poor-me-schedule laurels.
Go To Hell Georgia! 20
Cowboys 29
ML
Silver Breeches 20
Cowboys??? We’re COW MEN, We’re 40 YEARS OLD!!! 23
EGM
UGA 24
Cowboys 17
Jackson St at Mississippi State (NL), 3:30
ML
Jackson State (Hee hee!) is not even listed in Phil Steele’s football bible. Perhaps that is why Vegas can’t conger up a line versus lowly Mississippi State. Sly was bounced from Starkville so the SEC is once again racist. Did you know MSU has an all-time winning record in bowl games? Me either. They are 7-6, Dan Mullen will have to work some serious magic for that record to have any chance of changing.
Propofol-treated Tigers 2
White Bulldogs 34
CB
Jackson Stizzle 19
Mess State 31
EGM
Walter Payton U 3
Miss State 22
Charleston Southern at UF (NL), 7
CB
I’ll get to the schedule in a minute, let me first just say that its an honor to be the first Bourbon Boy to comment on the Gators this year. There are some insanely high hopes in the “Gator Nation” with good cause. I guess we’re missing 2 playmakers, but we retained, lets see, the 2007 Heisman Trophy and all around stud Tim Tebow, and OUR ENTIRE DEFENSE. With a crazy defense like that, games could be in the bag by half time. And I’m not just talking about this one. But speaking of this game, its clearly a joke, but what do you want from us? We’re the only team in the league whose main rival is a team that is perennially GOOD. Georgia HAS to load up their schedule, because their two decent rivals are in the Conference and Georgia Tech is generally not great. Also, another reason is, screw off! Go Gators!
Charleston Southern 0
UF 69
ML
We sent hot chicks to Key West Spring Break 99! 0
None of the Bourbon Boys banged them 59
EGM
Not College of Charleston 0
Repeat Nat’l Champs 63
Louisiana Tech at Auburn (-13), 7
EGM
The Plainsmen had a pretty rough year in '08. Losing TT and keeping Kodi Burns won't make '09 any better. I used to think Brandon Cox sucked but then I saw what was behind him. Is it possible to be that bad at the QB position and still maintain I-A status?
The Chizik hire won't turn things around. In fact, this looks exactly like the “fire Cutcliffe, hire Orgeron move.” Does that mean Auburn will be hiring Bobby Petrino in 3 years?
The Plainsmen are surrounded by questions and have very few answers. However, I'm sure they'll have the answer for the Lady Techsters, but not by 13.
La Tech 10
Tigers 21
CB
LA Tech 20
Auburn 34
ML
Louisiana WAC 14
Plainsmen 23
Missouri State at Arkansas (NL), 7
EGM
I fully expect Bobby Petrino to show off his offensive prowess in this game. The Hawgs replace tenth year starter Casey Dick with Ryan Mallet. To rate that upgrade is to do injustice to the term "infinitely better." The Mallet/Michael Smith combination in the backfield will prove one of the nation's best by season's end.
I refuse to analyze Mizzou State.
No Name 6
Hawgs 52
CB
Mizzou St 4
Arkansas 54
ML
Bears 10
Petrino’s Porkers 41
Western Carolina at Vanderbilt (NL), 7
CB
The fact that this game has no line, says things about both teams. 1) Vandy is on its way “up,” I suppose; and 2) Western Carolina must suck worse than most directional schools. Its great that as improved and “good” as Vandy was last year, but they’re still a very average team. I think Vandy will be treating this as an audition for their new starting QB and get some quality playing time as they easily dispose of the Catamounts and turn their attention to LSU next week.
Weastern Carolina 17
Vandahbelt 40
ML
Check out the Catamount Prof on http://www.wcu.edu/ 6
Robber Barons 41
EGM
Catamounts 6
Vanderbilt 28
Alabama at Virginia Tech (+6.5), 8
EGM
One of the two "Games of the Week" in the SEC. I'll likely be watching this game in tandem with the Gator beatdown of Charleston Nalthern. Sadly, I don't expect either game to be much of contest.
Va Tech has no ability to pass and will attempt to run the ball down Bama's throat. Bama's stud front 7 will not allow that to happen. The loss of Rashad Johnson will definitely show itself against teams with a modicum of passing ability but Tyrod Taylor is not much of a thrower and will certainly fail to exploit this weakness.
I expect Bama's young offensive line to be shaky for awhile against Va Tech's defensive line but eventually their defense will wear down after the three and outs keep piling up. Mark Ingram will easily run through a weakened defense and provide playaction opportunities for Julio Jones and krew. To say the least, things will get ugly in the second half. Think along the lines of LSU-Va Tech a few years ago....
Castrated Turkeys 6
Bamer 31
CB
Yellow Hammer 25
Alumni Uses Hammers on Dogs 16
ML
Saban’s Smirk 21
Beamer’s Bells 17
LSU at Washington (+17.5), 10:30
CB
Another SEC team traveling out West to prove they aren’t a total group of pussies. Too bad the Tigers picked one of the worst “good” teams out there. By that I mean I understand this is not like they are traveling to Moscow, Idaho to humiliate the home team Vandals, they are going to a historically alright PAC-10 team. But still the Huskies are incredibly terrible. But then again, theoretically, how was LSU supposed to know that Washington was going to be this bad when they signed on for this series? Anyways, that’s enough excuses, in regards to the actual game at hand, LSU was kind of a mirage last year. They were coming off a National Championship season, and up until UF decimated them, they were a “favorite” or at least a contender for the title game. Even after struggling against Miss St and beating a below average Auburn team…come to think of it, they were maintaining their high ranking last year simply because of the preseason polls, in fact, they lost 5 of their last 9. They sucked. Sure they’ll be better this year, with some starts under their QBs’ belts, and an always threatening defense. Washington lost every game last year. They do not deserve my comments.
Geaux Eff Yourself 35
Wash of the Stench 15
ML
LeSU 30
Call Tyrone 10
EGM
Reauxd Tigers 45
Suicidal in Seattle 10
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Ole Miss at Memphis (+16.5), 3:30
EGM
Its been a long time since there were expectations at Ole Miss. Certainly it was before I was football conscious and that was a long time ago.
Jevan Snead will be one of the better QBs in the country but he may struggle with the loss of a few offensive pieces from last year. With Nutt at the helm, I'm sure the "Wild Rebel" will still be in full effect with Largo High’s finest, Dexter McCluster, taking most of the snaps in those situations. It will be interesting to see how Nutt strikes a balance between the Wild Rebel and the Snead pro style formations.
On defense, the Rebs will be fairly average by SEC standards and will give up some points to better offenses. That will likely be their demise against the likes of Bama, Arkansas and other good SEC offenses. I'm not drinking the Kool Aid. Ole Miss looks like a two loss team at best.
One of those losses will not be to lowly Memphis.
Basketball cheaters 13
Overrated Rebs 38
CB
No Longer Content with Just Winning Tailgate Parties 50
Memphrica 20
ML
Nutters 34
Memphrica State 19
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