Cuzzin Bailey
Well…last weekend was case lesson in duality. On one hand, my guest Bourbon Girl and I had a great time in G-Ville tailgating with friends, drinking some beers, eating some bbq and getting hooked up with some cool-down time in the Letterman Club in the Swamp (thank you DinnerCruise Gambler!) That was the outstanding hand. On the other side, the Gators looked pretty pedestrian with their ball control/turnover game plan; the late TO by T-BOW made this game look closer than it actually was, (never did I actually think we would lose). However, we did win, Urb and Timmy are now undefeated against UT, the Gators are 3-0 and somehow Lane Kiffin is celebrating as if they won! HAHA Sorry, my affection for “moral victories” went the way of the Zooker. No such thing Laney. Yall lost, we won, more to come of both…
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Malt Licker
I’d like to thank Jimmy Carter for subbing in for me last week. I feel like a grenade went off inside my sinuses, so I wish he was here this week. Unfortunately, he is on a pilgrimage to the burial sites of Ho Chi Minh, Pol Pot and Chairman Mao. Speaking of pilgrimages, I made mine to Gainesville last week to watch Lil’ Lane and his boys “win” 13-23. Seriously, give me a break. Was Knoxville’s case of Phat Phil Fatigue so serious that they have no problem swallowing a 4-8 season? I must admit that the game revealed some chinks in the Gator armor. All we need is one of the young wide receivers to step up.
El Gran Mono
Given that I'm only miles from the home of Stonewall Jackson in my Shenandoah refuge, I'll keep things plain and simple just like Thomas Jackson himself.
Did all Gator fans want to win by 600 points last Saturday? Did Tennessee only want to compete? The answer to both questions is definitely "yes". However, despite the respective anger and happiness one truth remains, UF plays for titles and the Vols for bowl eligibility. Let the quests continue and the words diminish.
Thu 09/24
Mississippi at South Carolina (+3), 7:30
EGM
The Cocks are the first test for the overrated Rebs. Since when do SEC games of this magnitude get played on Thursday night? I thought that was reserved for the ACC Games of the Century.
The Cocks lost a heartbreaker two weeks ago but that game saw the emergence of Drunky Garcia. Spurdog can really do some damage with a talented QB who's not scared of the blitz.
Ole Miss has a good offense. And will put up some points but I doubt their untested and average defense will hold up. I'll take the cocks in a straight up W.
Rebs 24
Cocks 27
CB
Fever 34
Stever (that’s a stretch) 23
ML
Ole Piss 20
South Cackalacky 21
Sat 09/26
LSU at Mississippi State (+12.5), 12:20
EGM
After Miss State put down lowly Vandy last week, people are talking rejuvenation under Dan Mullen. What really needs rejuvenation is the Starkville bar scene. Perhaps CUzzin' Bailey could consult on such an operation.
I'm not sold on LSU as a great team and I'm not sold on Miss State as an average team. Jordan Jefferson is extremely raw and often goes with the tomato can approach to the passing game. This shadiness will keep the Dawgs in the game and cover quite easily.
Tigers 24
Dawgs 17
CB
Dirty Cajuns 35
Dirty Dogs 14
ML
Tigers 28
Piss St 14
Arkansas at Alabama (-17), 3:30
ML
So far this year, Ryan Mallett has been the Pinball Wizard to coach Petrino’s high scoring offense. ‘Bama may look the best out of SEC teams thus far. They roll into SEC play 3-0 and look to make an opening statement in the race for the Western division title. The Hogs have the 2nd ranked offense in the country and will put some points on the board, but they face the 3rd ranked defense in the nation. Bama will need to put up 20+ to win, and they need a healthy Julio Jones to make that happen.
Sooey 17
Tiiiiiiiiiide 38
CB
Razah Backs 13
Crimson Tiiide 40
EGM
Hawgs 20
Bamer 34
Florida at Kentucky (+21.5), 6
CB
Some genius sportswriter from the Gainesville Sun said it best, this is a great time for the Gators to hit the road, and if history is a teacher at all, this is a great opponent too. UF really needs to get out into the wild this weekend for a backyard brawl (in which they are heavily favored). I see that all my jokes about Ole Miss’ team coming down with the flu have come back and bit me on the buttocks. Fine, I apologize to the flu Gods! (except for that previous joke). Look, this is simple, either UF plays up to their potential, or they don’t. Either way its gonna take more than just two mistakes by Tebow to cost the Gators the game, but the real question (as it was last week) is whether or not UF is gonna put the Big Blue to bed early, or let them stay up to watch Carson. I say make it apparent early that the visitors are NOT in Lexington to ogle the blonde beyatches, but to get down to (football) business…
GO GATORS 42
Cowardly Cats 14
ML
Gatorzzzzzzz 44
Kats 9
EGM
Gators 60
Cats 10
Ohio at Tennessee (-21.5), 7
CB
First off, cheers to Kiffin Jr. It takes a REAL man to make fun of players with the flu. I mean I guess if you really are in charge of a team that sucks as bad as the Vuls, you pick your battles. Watch out all you senior citizens in Knoxville, seems like Lane is smelling blood in the water! My prediction is he goes after the blind next…Speaking of which, what do you think J. Crompton’s eyesight is like? Is he NOT the worst QB you have ever seen??? Anyways, word is, the Bobcats are actually coming to play this weekend (unlike the Vols offensive play callers last week, zing!). Tough Defense, marginal offense…haha which team am I talking about?? Frankly, UT’s RB Hardesty is pretty narsty and I think that even a poor day by Crompton won’t keep the Orange out of the W column…
BobCats 12
Pussies 30
ML
Bobcats 10
Douchebags 24
EGM
Bobcats 7
Vols. 24
Ball State at Auburn (-33)
ML
Letterman U visits the plains to take on the rejuvenated Tigers. Gene Chizik is riding the backs of his backs, Ben Tate and Onterio McCalebb, and is generating a buzz in Auburn. The Cardinals are one of the worst teams in Division I and are winless thus far. I could not be less interested in a game…
Gap Tooth U 3
War Eagle 45
CB
Ball Scraight 7
Opelika 50
EGM
Douche Hats 10
Plainsmen 49
Arizona State at Georgia (-12.5)
CB
I feel like I’m on Candid Camera or something. Why is UGA favored by 13 points here? I mean I understand that they have been in some shootouts lately, but one of them was against a pathetic South Carolina team! They have no defense, and ASU is ranked #1 in the nation in Defense. I’m looking for UGA to resort to actually playing some defense (if possible) and AT THE SAME TIME mind you, keep up their offensive tear. Only then will they be able to win comfortably and stop the damage they have already done to the Bulldog fans’ livers…
Sun Devil Went Down to …yea you get it 23
Devil Water Drinking Dawgs 30
ML
Sunny D’s 20
Cox’ Army 38
EGM
Sun devils 17
Dawgs 34
Vanderbilt at Rice (+7.5), 8
EGM
The battle of the small private schools masquerading in big football conferences. Wait a second, Rice isn't in the Big 12 like many of their former SWC mates. Vandy is in the SEC.
Honestly, that's about all the analysis I can give on this game.
Hooters 10
Vandy 21
CB
Schmandy 37
Lice 10
ML
Smart SEC 21
Smart Big 12 10
GAME OF THE WEEK
UM at VT (+3), 3:30
ML
Alright Canes fans, let’s put down the coke and settle down. You have beat two fellow ACC teams with more than a week to prepare before each game. I know you are excited to have your first decent quarterback since Ken Dorsey. But you really need to relax. Blacksburg is a town where undefeated seasons go to die. The Hokies edged out the Huskers last week, and need their traditional bread and butter, defense and special teams, to carry them if they want to take down the Canes. I’m looking for Jacory Harris to fall back to earth and turn the ball over a couple times. The Hokies will take advantage and cause South Florida to jump back off the bandwagon
scUM 17
Hokie Hokie Hokie!!! 21
CB
“Big Wins?” 23
Home Dog Hokies 21
EGM
Back to reality 13
Hokies 20
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