Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week III

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week III

Saturday, September 19, 2009

El Gran Mono
First things first, congrats to Malt Lick on his engagement. Now the fun begins...

This week marks the real beginning of the SEC season. UT-FLA, let's crank it up. Can Kiffin cash the checks his mouth has been writing? Can Tebow go 4-0 against the hated Volunteers? Will Urban Meyer rub it in? I'm guessing it will be a lot of column B and C.

I'll shall be watching all of this and next weekend's awesomeness from the beautiful Shenandoah Mountains. Cuzzin' Bailey will be handling all of the technical details these next few weeks so aim all queries and gestures of love in his direction

Cuzzin Bailey
First off, how about some props to the Licker for popping the question, and to future Mrs. Licker for accepting said proposal! Cheers! Hopefully the Gators can win big to help yall celebrate this weekend. Speaking of this weekend, this is the first Gator game Cuzzin Bailey will be attending, should be a great time, especially with my guest Bourbon Girl. After watching UT laying a total egg last week, I am feeling way too confident about the game. Some may say its “over-confidence” but the Vols play calling against UCLA removed any fears I had. Also I don’t think the Gators have to worry about UT sneaking up on them (ala Ole Miss last year)…this game has been on the calendar since February…

President James Earl Carter (subbing in for the Malt Licker):
I must say it is difficult to type with splinters in your fingertips. Saving the world one sanctimonious house at a time is hard work. My arthritis is also acting up and I refuse to see a doctor until everyone in this country is assured of their fundamental right to health care. Therefore, I am dictating everything to my lovely wife Rosalynn. Speaking of dictators, I love cozying up to them, especially those that actively criticize the United States. Luckily, splinters and arthritis do not prevent me from visiting Fidel, Hugo and Moammar. I find it curious that Mr. Licker chose me to replace him this week, I hate college football. Especially college football in the south. It does nothing more than allow white elites to make money on the backs of poor African-American young men. Nevertheless, it is my Christian duty to help those in need, and Mr. Licker tells me he is too worked up to string together a coherent thought. He tells me he favors limited government, so I find it difficult to believe he could ever string together a coherent thought. Even though I do not know anything about college football and am in way over my head, if you disagree with any of my picks, you are a racist to be pitied…


Louisville @ Kentucky (-13), 12
EGM
KY creamed Louisville last year 27-2. KY wasn’t very good last year. This leaves the impression that Louisville is not a very good team. In fact, since Bobby Petrino left, they’ve been terrible. KY does know how to play a little defense and I imagine they will force a few turnovers and score on the short fields. Its doubtful, they could drive 80 yards on anyone with Mike Hartline at the helm. The real question on everyone’s mind: Which basketball coach will be convicted of murder first?

Cards 5
Kats 21

CB
Cheating Basketball Coach (personal) 20
Cheating Basketball Coach (business) 34

JC for ML
Red Kentucky 14
Blue Kentucky 31


North Tejas @ Alabama (NL), 12:20
JC for ML
I won both these states during my glorious ascendance to the presidency in 1976. However, their overall racist attitudes blinded them to the wisdom of my policies, which led them to vote for that fascist moron Reagan. Alabama is known as the Crimson Tide, which makes me think of the tragic government response to Hurricane Katrina. This country’s failure to eliminate all use of fossil fuels caused Katrina and will lead to 30 Category 15 hurricanes within the next 4 years. North Texas is known as the Mean Green. This makes me think of the immorality of capitalism and the greediness of everyone involved with college football.

Kapitalism bad Komrade 0
Crimson tide of blood and tears 44

EGM
Mean Green 9
Bamer 31

CB
Team from Necessary Roughness? 6
It doesn’t Matter 50


Tennessee @ Florida (-28.5), 3:30
EGM
I can feel it in the air. Its Tennessee week. The grass is greener. The wind a little cooler. Light orange is just a little more annoying than it already is. All the talk about this game relates to Baby Face Kiffin’s stupid remarks over the off season. ESPN tells me every hour on the hour that Gator fans might be a little t’d off about the situation. Perhaps they will float this into a Coors Light Rocky Mountain Quiz Question – “If given a choice would you draw and quarter Lane Kiffin?” Maybe Kornheiser could come on and say something like: “I don’t understand why these idiots like college football, haven’t they heard in the South about the NFL?” Sorry, my ESPN hate got wrapped in Tennessee hate. As for the game, the Gators had some trouble moving the ball against UT in Knoxvegas last year. They went pretty run heavy after they got the score where they wanted it and realized that Crapton was exactly that. This year, I imagine the Gators will have a fairly difficult time moving the ball early against an even better Vol defense. Fortunately, much like Va Tech v. Bama, UT’s inability to avoid excessive three and outs will kill them. Tebow shall enjoy feasting on the tired Vol defense and perhaps enjoy feasting on Kiffin’s sautéed brain after the game. I wonder if Nu’Keese Richardson will pull a Fred Rouse after the game and tell Meyer he should have came to UF. I enjoy the name Nu’Keese a great deal.
Crapton picks 6
Gators 35

CB
Kiffin’s Folly 24
Revenge, a Dish Best Served Over and Over Again 54

JC for ML
Volunteers for a racist cause 9
Mean reptiles 44


Louisiana-Lafayette @ LSU (-26), 7:00
EGM
A good ol’ Bayou slugfest. Well, not really. LSU will do most of the scoring and most of the defending. Charles Scott is a stud and should run wild in this game. Perhaps that will negate the awfulness that is Jordan Jefferson.

Rajun Cajuns 10
Just Cajuns 31

CB
Lou-LA 13
LSooo 45

JC for ML
I love the French 3
Coonasses 34


Florida Atlantic @ South Carolina (-21), 7
JC for ML
Steve Spurrier is South Carolina’s coach and has been rumored to be linked with Augusta National, that evil den of sexism in my state of birth. However, he agrees with Barack Obama about the need for a playoff in college football. While I do not believe in competition, I admire Mr. Spurrier’s ability to avoid racism and agree with our embattled President. I am definitely conflicted. FAU is the underdog, so normally I’d favor them, but Spurrier’s young quarterback reminds me of my brother Billy.

Owls 10
Ohhh billyyy 35

EGM
Owls 13
Cocks 33

CB
FAU 14
USCe 34


Mississippi State at Vanderbilt (-9), 7
EGM
Sure, Vandy played tough against LSU last week but -9. Really? That seems a lot of points for the Commodes to cover even if Joe Montana was playing QB for them. Miss State has defensive issues but Vandy should be the cure to those woes. The Dawgs even scored a few points against a normally stingy Plainsmen defense. The biggest problem for the Miss State players will be avoiding the solid bar scene in Nashville. However, this is a constant road problem for the Dawgs given the prohibitionist approach in Starkville. After typing those thoughts, I suddenly like the Dores chances.

Drunk Dawgs 13
Vandy 24

CB
MSU 21
Vandy 25

JC for ML
Hicks, even by Georgia standards 9
Robber Barons 26


SE Louisiana at Ole Miss (NL), 7:30
CB
And now we will see what damage, if any, the “flu-like symptoms” has caused to the Rebels locker-room. 20-plus players were ill last week, good time for a bye-week, this week is a good time to play a division I-AA school, and I’m not talking smack b/c the Gators first two games were total gimmes. The Rebs got off to a slow start against Memphis two weeks ago, but slow start or not, this game is gonna be in the bag before the chandeliers are set up in the Grove. With the SEC schedule on the horizon, excitement is building for Ole Miss’ run at their first ever SEC West title, one could say the fans have a “fever” for big season…too soon?

SE-LA Paycheck 13
I’m so cold, I mean hot, I mean cold 56


EGM
Lions 6
Rebs 45

JC for ML
Ragin’Need for Public Option 2
Nutts! 44


Georgia at Arkansas (Pk), 7:45
CB
Huge game for both teams. Not that its necessarily make or break at this point, but let’s just run down both teams situations. First off, Georgia: they already have one loss under their belt and another one will most certainly knock them out of the NC hunt (if any still believes they are in it, haha), but another SEC WIN will get them off to a strong start and a big road SEC West win! Arkansas is another one of those clever teams that scheduled an off week the second week of the season. So basically them whooping up on Mizzou St in week one means jack squat. Apparently the Razorbacks like to throw the ball around this year which is something apparently isn’t going to be hard to do against the Bulldogs, but considering the ‘Backs have lost 8 of their last 10 at home against ranked SEC opponents, not knowing that feeling could hurt them. I guess what it will come down to is whether or not Joe Cox can get over whatever injury/illness they are shoveling at us this week and “sack” up. I’m not convinced he can…

Ugh, My Shoulder 25
‘Back in the Mix? 27

EGM
Dawgs 21
Hawgs 23

JC for ML
My State 21
Slick Willy’s 17


West Virginia at Auburn (-7), 7:45
CB
Auburn has actually looked decent this year. They handled La Tech and then beat first year Miss. St. coach Dan Mullen and the West Dogs last week. I’m not saying that I’m locking in the Tigers for the big DUB here, I’m just saying. I’m gonna do a Joe Maddon special and just look at the numbers cause I haven’t seen either team play so far. With the exception of last year in recent memory, “Jerdin”-Hare Stadium has been a very intimidating spot to play especially at night. And considering that The Mountaineers have played pretty much no one so far, I think this would be a great chance for 1st year Tiger coach Gene Chizik to show off his skillz. Speaking of old Geno, I’m still not convinced that a guy that went 5-19 at Iowa State was the right call for this team, but maybe he just needed the right talent. Who knows? The Tiger offense appears to be wide-open right now, which is the way the winds are blowing these days, so I don’t think WVa’s defense is gonna be able to hang in this game too long.

Country Road 17
One Road 35

EGM
Mountaineers 22
Plainsmen 29

JC for ML
Coal Miners 20
Plainsmen 26


Tejas Tech @ Tejas (-17.5), 5
JC for ML
Someday I dream of a Texas without a “Texas” and a “Texas Tech.” A country without states. I despise federalism. A world without countries. A solar system without planets. A football game without offense and defense. A game where no one loses and everyone wins. But alas, I must try to analyze this “Game of the Week.” The Longhorns will have revenge on their mind, and the Red Raiders have a lot to replace. Young Michael Crabtree, should be allowed to play. Unfortunately he is being held hostage by the pigs in the NFL. Unlike the Iranians, these guys have no justification for their actions.

Tech 20
Horns 41

EGM
Red Raiders 24
Longhorns 35

CB
Mex Tech 20
Keep Austin Weird (aka. Liberal) 45